Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #332
The Great Muta vs. Ernest "The Cat" Miller
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

Okay, now New Blood Rising. A show that is not fondly remembered, shall we say. There's 11 matches on this show, and the only 2 that will be spared my Sword of Bad Wrestling Opinions are the opener (a decent ladder spotfest, albeit with silly rules) and the main event (Booker vs. Jarrett, never a disaster between those two). But that means there's nine more matches to watch from it! The second match is such an amazingly weird matchup: Muta vs. the Cat!!

Of course, since it's a Cat match on the Network, we get treated to the Generic Funk Dub Theme that he has. Why did they use some of the Jimmy Hart themes but not the others? The Cat grabs a mic, reiterates that he is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, and nails Muta in the forehead with it. I really like the way Muta bumps. He hits the Flashing Elbow then starts working the left arm. Scott Hudson on commentary talks about the "Legit Heat" between these two and I want to gag. Madden identifies an armbar (which Cat really isn't selling) as an ankle lock. Muta has a boot choke but Cat fights back, doing his flashy kicks until Muta gets a throat thrust. Madden insults Scott Hudson for naming titles Muta has won.

Out comes Tygress, and the crowd suddenly no longer cares about this match and wants puppies. Handspring back elbow by Muta denied, and Cat kicks him out, He chokes Muta with a cable, in FULL VIEW of the ref, like the babyface he is meant to be, and yet there is no complaint. Muta catches a kick and hits a dragonscrew leg whip, before stretching the leg to force a rope break. Cat has no idea how to take a backbreaker. Moonsault by Muta but Cat dodges. Muta uses the mist, which CAMERA MISSES! The ref goes to intervene to check on Cat (where was that energy when Muta was being choked with a cable, huh?), which lets Tygress hit Muta with a chair off the top rope and hand Cat the win... OH WAIT NO MUTA KICKS OUT. Cat then wins legit with a Feliner.

Apparently this was part of a quid pro quo between Cat and the Filthy Animalz. If so... HAVE IT ACTIUALLY FUCKING WORK. And also DON'T DO IT WHILE CAT'S THE BABYFACE. There's more holes in the story of this match than in Chester Cheesington.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #333
Buff Bagwell vs. Kanyon
Judy Bagwell on a Forklift Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

And now we get to one of the most infamous matches in WCW history. Buff Bagwell is fighting "Positively" Kanyon for his mother Judy. Literally, Judy is on a pole. Or, in fact, on a forklift, as it turns out. The reason, says Kanyon, is because Judy is too fat for a pole. Ignoring the fact that his promo pre-match is just a fat joke, Kanyon's fucking great. Such a heel.

We kick off with something that's positively WCW: brawling on the outside! They go right into the crowd for a while, and Bagwell dominates. Back in the ring, neckbreaker by Bagwell. Kanyon cuts off mounted punches with a low blow then hits a top rope Russian legsweep. He produces some wire cutters to strip the turnbuckle (since when do you need wire cutters for that?). Bagwell tries to float over on an Irish whip to the exposed buckle, but Kanyon counters into a double-leg powerbomb. That's one of those moves I'm shocked no one ever used aside from Kanyon. He really was an innovator. Bagwell's fighting back, but Kanyon slaps on a cobra clutch. Ref does the arm-drop routine... wait, isn't this pole rules? Why would there be a submission? And then the ref counts a pin for a Kanyon neckbreaker! What?

Kanyon Kutter teased but Bagwell pushes Kanyon into the exposed buckle, then busts his face on to it. Judy tries and fails to start a "Let's go Buff" chant. Kanyon Kutter... DAVID ARQUETTE'S MUSIC HITS??? What the actual fuck? He's out here to help Kanyon! Bagwell looks to be setting up the Blockbuster but Arquette whacks him with a hard hat! BAGWELL KICKS OUT OF THE PIN! He's now fighting 2-on-1 in the ring! Double Blockbuster by Buff! And he wins! Judy has been freed, and Kanyon betrays Arquette with another Kanyon Kutter.

The only thing that annoys me: they did not need to have Judy Bagwell on a forklift. Could have been a perfectly serviceable match, otherwise, and even spared getting on to the Bad Matches List. But no. It's still going near the top though.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #334
KroniK (c) vs. Misfits In Action (Gen. Rection/Cpl. Cajun) vs. The Perfect Event vs. Mark Jindrak/Sean O'Haire
for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

So, what was the nature of that quid pro quo between Commissioner Cat and the Filthy Animalz, earlier? Apparently, it's that the Filthy Animalz are special referees for this tag match. All of them. So weird unmasked Rey, kinda better looking unmasked Juvi, geek Disco Inferno, and Tygress are all out in black and white to take this one. Also, they've stolen the World Tag straps. Konnan isn't out in ref stripes, but he's here for commentary.

Konnan mistakes MIA's water pistols for penis pumps. Given that it's Hugh Morrus and Lash LeRoux, I wouldn't be surprised. Konnan buries Jindrak and O'Haire, and says the Animalz have "Mexican strategy". Disco has a mic, and makes our ears bleed, talks about abusing creative control to get them buried. Or something. I guess that's what it was, it's WCW.

We kick off with Brian Adams and Palumbo. He gets advice from Stasiak, which was apparently to do a headlock. Adams overpowers him, though. Konnan buries KroniK for being big guys who have nothing else. It's true, but he shouldn't say it. Palumbo gets tossed out and smashed about by the Animalz on the outside. Adams full nelson slam to Stasiak. Now it's LaRoux and Jindrak. Jindrak's got a hell of a pair of legs for a dropkick. Bryan Clark is about to hurt Jindrak but Palumbo boots him in the head. O'Haire against Clark, O'Haire does a 360 flying nothing and gets a spin kick. "COVER FASTER!" -Disco, offering advice. Disco counts INCREDIBLY slow to deny KroniK after Clark hits a reverse sidewalk slam.

Leg lariat by Morrus, Disco doesn't bother counting. Series of chops. O'Haire catches a leapfrog and hits a sick powerbomb. Morrus is cornered, Palumbo chokes him from behind, then Tygress comes in to hit a bronco buster! It's so stupid but I can't help but smile. Rey goes for one of his own but Morrus gets a boot up to hit him "right in the Junior". Stasiak in now, who gets a headbutt to the nuts from Morrus. LeRoux does a splits before a slow lariat. Disco doesn't count. Stasiak gutbuster, Disco gives another slow count. Morrus starts cleaning up until O'Haire hits a lariat. Disco ignores the New Blood members going for a beatdown, but still slow counts for Palumbo. LOUD "bullshit" chants.

Palumbo applies a chinlock. Arm drop routine, but Morrus survives. Crowd is rapidly losing its patience, chanting "We want Bret" as Stasiak puts the boots in. Stasiak flying back elbow, Disco doesn't bother counting before Adams breaks it up. LeRoux goes for a step-up crossbody but Stasiak nails him. Adams downs Stasiak. Bryan Clark is getting beaten up and takes a Seanton Bomb. Jindrak DDTs Morrus. Palumbo gives a belly-to-belly to LeRoux. He plays to the crowd with Adams behind him, to TOTAL SILENCE. Fucking hell.

High Times teased, but Vampiro and Muta show up to interfere! What the hell is going on? Roll-up by Palumbo, Adams is saved by a slow count. Clark nails Palumbo in the back, and Palumbo eats the Meltdown. Slow count, and Palumbo survives. Stasiak jumps into an Adams chokeslam. Where is the wrestling here? Where is the structure? High Times to Palumbo... Chavo Guerrero Jr. shows up! He beats up Disco and steals his ref's shirt to count KroniK's pin! I guess anyone can be a referee here?

No one was given time to show any skill they had, just buried in absolute bewildering Russo shite. I actually hated this.

 

[Rosie]

Chavo became a referee just to FUCK ON THEM!

Can't wait until you get to the Canadian Rules Match.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #335
The Franchise vs. Billy Kidman
Strap Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

Next up is this match! Shane Douglas and Billy Kidman were fighting over Torrie Wilson. It was in this feud where the Viagra on a Pole match happened. Because Douglas couldn't get it up. Vince Russo is a genius. Here's a match. It's a pinfall strap match, thankfully.

While Douglas and Torrie are entering, commentary's talking about how there's intrigue around Goldberg/Nash/Steiner tonight, as none of them wants to do business and all of them want to go over. That's the era of WCW we're in. Douglas wants to "franchise" Kidman's rear end, and trashes Canada for being Canada. "The Franchise has trouble in Pole matches, if you know what I mean" -Mark Madden.

Long staredown, pulling on the strap, as "Franchise sucks" chants ring out. Douglas gets the edge early on, with stomps and whips, until Kidman gets the strap in Douglas' crotch. He hits a leg drop, then takes it to the outside by chasing Torrie. This reminds Madden of walking the dog, and it kind of is like that. Douglas is wrapped around the ring post for a bit. Kidman threatens to whip Torrie but Douglas crotches him. Douglas is yanking the hair... and the ref administers a count? I thought strap matches were No DQ? Reverse snapmare by Douglas. He then hooks the nose and the ref counts to five again?? Crowd still wants Bret. Torrie helps with a rope choke.

Kidman's doing a decent job selling in this heat segment. Douglas is targeting the wrist a lot. Presumably so Kidman can't masturbate? Or something? That sounds like something Russo would come up with. Kidman suddenly fires up and gets a lot of fists up, then a big headscissors. Powerbomb by Kidman for two. He takes off Douglas' shirt and starts whipping away. But then he misses a corner charge... Kidman tosses Douglas off the top. He threatens Torrie again but whips away at Douglas' soft penis. Bulldog for two. Torrie's taken off one of her high heels... and hits Douglas with it! Presumably meant to be by mistake. Douglas still kicks out though.

Douglas gorilla presses Kidman on to the ropes for two. He looks to be setting up the Pittsburgh Plunge but Kidman counters with a small package that Torrie has to break up. Plunge connects but Kidman kicks out to zero reaction. He shoves Douglas into Torrie and hits the Kid Krusher for the win. Torrie's about to hit Kidman with the chair but Kidman straps Torrie up and gives her a good whipping. Douglas attacks, it's 2-on-1, the heels try to literally hang Kidman. Out comes Vito for the save... but out comes our boy RENO to battle Vito!

Anyway, this was absolutely nothing special, and not something you should bother watching.

 

[Chris]

Wasn't the commentary just the worst

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #336
Major Gunns vs. Miss Hancock
R.O.T.C. Mud Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

And now we get on to the first of two matches that are in the Bottom 50 of all time according to Cagematch, one that got minus 2 stars from Dave. It's a match featuring women who are ostensibly meant to arouse the male audience. Remember that now. Stacy Keibler and a literal porn star, in a match where there is mud. And since everything related to Misfits In Action has to have a military pun, this is an R.O.T.C. match. Not the Reserve Officers' Training Corps, the US Army's tool to poach men from universities and into war zones, but Rip Off The Camo. So it's a strip match. That is also something you should remember.

"Let's get naked, Tony" -Madden. No. "So you're pulling for Miss Hancock?" Hudson. I now understand why Schiavone grew to hate wrestling. He had to work with these dumb fucks. We go straight into full CAT FIGHT mode. Gunns is barefoot, and can barely stand. Hancock hits a handspring back elbow... or rather, handspring, walk back a bit to get into position, back elbow. "This reminds me of Thesz/O'Connor, except I didn't want to see these two naked" -Madden. Gunns applies the worst cornered stomp you'll ever see, followed by a hair-mare or two. She tries a jackknife pin... wait, why are they going for pins? This is a strip match.

Hancock yanks Gunns' top off, which earns a two-count. Hancock teases a back body drop but Gunns counters into a sitout Pedigree, one that's timed all wrong. (Somewhere a young Velvet Sky watches and learns.) Gunns tears off Hancock's camo shorts... and goes for a pin for two. Removing clothes as a potential finisher? That's something never seen since Phantasio! Gunns' impactless scoop slam gets two. Hancock does her table dance on the second rope before hitting a low crossbody. Gunns gets a boot up in the corner and Hancock clutches her midsection. Remember that, too. Gunns sunset flip for two. WHY ARE THERE PINFALLS IN A STRIP MATCH??

Hancock goes for a crossbody, lands on her face, and continues to clutch the midsection. Gunns hits a light double axe handle off the apron, then Hancock shoves her into the ring post. Gunns' shorts are gone! They brawl up the aisle, and Hancock's top is gone! This is a strip match, both women are down to their underthings, and yet it continues! They make it to a specially-made mud bunker. Gunns drags Hancock into the mudm and sweet Christ, mud wrestling is bad. Hancock has the edge as the crowd wants puppies (and already have them). Hancock does her dance again, but clutches her midsection again. This lets Gunns stack her up for the three.

Hancock's acting hurt. Not only is her boyfriend David Flair out to help her, Gunns is calling for help. It's a worked shoot, baby! Medics wheel Hancock off, and it turns out Hancock was pregnant and this was an implied miscarriage. This started a paternity angle where either Ric Flair or Russo (of course) was planned to be the father of the child, but the angle was dropped, she revealed it to be fake, and that was it.

Anyway, this match is absolutely abhorrent. When bad wrestling becomes downright distasteful.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #335
The Franchise vs. Billy Kidman
Strap Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

Next up is this match! Shane Douglas and Billy Kidman were fighting over Torrie Wilson. It was in this feud where the Viagra on a Pole match happened. Because Douglas couldn't get it up. Vince Russo is a genius. Here's a match. It's a pinfall strap match, thankfully.

While Douglas and Torrie are entering, commentary's talking about how there's intrigue around Goldberg/Nash/Steiner tonight, as none of them wants to do business and all of them want to go over. That's the era of WCW we're in. Douglas wants to "franchise" Kidman's rear end, and trashes Canada for being Canada. "The Franchise has trouble in Pole matches, if you know what I mean" -Mark Madden.

Long staredown, pulling on the strap, as "Franchise sucks" chants ring out. Douglas gets the edge early on, with stomps and whips, until Kidman gets the strap in Douglas' crotch. He hits a leg drop, then takes it to the outside by chasing Torrie. This reminds Madden of walking the dog, and it kind of is like that. Douglas is wrapped around the ring post for a bit. Kidman threatens to whip Torrie but Douglas crotches him. Douglas is yanking the hair... and the ref administers a count? I thought strap matches were No DQ? Reverse snapmare by Douglas. He then hooks the nose and the ref counts to five again?? Crowd still wants Bret. Torrie helps with a rope choke.

Kidman's doing a decent job selling in this heat segment. Douglas is targeting the wrist a lot. Presumably so Kidman can't masturbate? Or something? That sounds like something Russo would come up with. Kidman suddenly fires up and gets a lot of fists up, then a big headscissors. Powerbomb by Kidman for two. He takes off Douglas' shirt and starts whipping away. But then he misses a corner charge... Kidman tosses Douglas off the top. He threatens Torrie again but whips away at Douglas' soft penis. Bulldog for two. Torrie's taken off one of her high heels... and hits Douglas with it! Presumably meant to be by mistake. Douglas still kicks out though.

Douglas gorilla presses Kidman on to the ropes for two. He looks to be setting up the Pittsburgh Plunge but Kidman counters with a small package that Torrie has to break up. Plunge connects but Kidman kicks out to zero reaction. He shoves Douglas into Torrie and hits the Kid Krusher for the win. Torrie's about to hit Kidman with the chair but Kidman straps Torrie up and gives her a good whipping. Douglas attacks, it's 2-on-1, the heels try to literally hang Kidman. Out comes Vito for the save... but out comes our boy RENO to battle Vito!

Anyway, this was absolutely nothing special, and not something you should bother watching.

Also Kidman legit got injured thanks to the hanging spot. So 100% worth it.

Entry #336
Major Gunns vs. Miss Hancock
R.O.T.C. Mud Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

And now we get on to the first of two matches that are in the Bottom 50 of all time according to Cagematch, one that got minus 2 stars from Dave. It's a match featuring women who are ostensibly meant to arouse the male audience. Remember that now. Stacy Keibler and a literal porn star, in a match where there is mud. And since everything related to Misfits In Action has to have a military pun, this is an R.O.T.C. match. Not the Reserve Officers' Training Corps, the US Army's tool to poach men from universities and into war zones, but Rip Off The Camo. So it's a strip match. That is also something you should remember.

"Let's get naked, Tony" -Madden. No. "So you're pulling for Miss Hancock?" Hudson. I now understand why Schiavone grew to hate wrestling. He had to work with these dumb fucks. We go straight into full CAT FIGHT mode. Gunns is barefoot, and can barely stand. Hancock hits a handspring back elbow... or rather, handspring, walk back a bit to get into position, back elbow. "This reminds me of Thesz/O'Connor, except I didn't want to see these two naked" -Madden. Gunns applies the worst cornered stomp you'll ever see, followed by a hair-mare or two. She tries a jackknife pin... wait, why are they going for pins? This is a strip match.

Hancock yanks Gunns' top off, which earns a two-count. Hancock teases a back body drop but Gunns counters into a sitout Pedigree, one that's timed all wrong. (Somewhere a young Velvet Sky watches and learns.) Gunns tears off Hancock's camo shorts... and goes for a pin for two. Removing clothes as a potential finisher? That's something never seen since Phantasio! Gunns' impactless scoop slam gets two. Hancock does her table dance on the second rope before hitting a low crossbody. Gunns gets a boot up in the corner and Hancock clutches her midsection. Remember that, too. Gunns sunset flip for two. WHY ARE THERE PINFALLS IN A STRIP MATCH??

Hancock goes for a crossbody, lands on her face, and continues to clutch the midsection. Gunns hits a light double axe handle off the apron, then Hancock shoves her into the ring post. Gunns' shorts are gone! They brawl up the aisle, and Hancock's top is gone! This is a strip match, both women are down to their underthings, and yet it continues! They make it to a specially-made mud bunker. Gunns drags Hancock into the mudm and sweet Christ, mud wrestling is bad. Hancock has the edge as the crowd wants puppies (and already have them). Hancock does her dance again, but clutches her midsection again. This lets Gunns stack her up for the three.

Hancock's acting hurt. Not only is her boyfriend David Flair out to help her, Gunns is calling for help. It's a worked shoot, baby! Medics wheel Hancock off, and it turns out Hancock was pregnant and this was an implied miscarriage. This started a paternity angle where either Ric Flair or Russo (of course) was planned to be the child, but the angle was dropped, she revealed it to be fake, and that was it.

Anyway, this match is absolutely abhorrent. When bad wrestling becomes downright distasteful.

This here is just one of the terrible examples of "worked shoots" and how it leaves a bad taste in the mouth of many despite the fact that, on rare occasions, if done right, can work. Russo, you are a son of a bitch.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #337
Sting vs. The KISS Demon
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

And now that that's past us, we have to deal with this awful Sting vs. Vampiro feud. Seriously, did anything related to this match ever not suck? Demon's part of the Dark Carnival, and Vampiro's promos are better in juggalo mode than they are in Raven wannabe mode. I just had a thought... if Demon and Disco Inferno teamed up, there's only one song that could be their theme, right?



Sting rappels down from the rafters, Demon meets him on the ramp... and Sting immediately starts walk-and-brawling, getting him against the guardrails. Demon gets a few shots but Sting fights back easily. As soon as they're in the ring, Stinger Splash, Scorpion Death Drop, it's over already! Vampiro and Muta show up to attack Sting and try to hang him from the rafters, but KroniK make the save. They challenge Vampiro and Muta to a tag team title match later.

What was the point of that? Pure squash.

 

[Rosie]

What was the point of that?​

The magic of: CONTRACTS

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #338
Lance Storm (c) vs. Mike Awesome
Canadian Rules Match for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

Hey @Rosie how you doing? Here's the Canadian Rules match. Lance Storm had probably the peak run of his career around 2000, winning all the midcard titles and rebranding them as Canadian. Meanwhile, Mike Awesome had his career low as the Fat Chick Thriller.

Storm gets a full Goldberg-like entrance, clutching not only his Canadian Heavyweight Title but his 100 Kilos and Under Title and Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title. To a hero's welcome. He's a complete babyface. "US sucks" chants. He's invoking rule 32B for a special guest enforcer. Crowd wants Bret! They get Jacques Rougeau! There's a playing of O Canada, though, so the fans' support isn't gone for too long.

Starting out strong, as you'd expect. Awesome gets a strong start early, with a high elevation Pedigree and a corner clothesline. He's straight up heeling. Leg drop gets two. Storm gets a jawbreaker to reverse the fortunes, and now he's got Awesome cornered. Awesome breaks out of a waistlock and takes it to the outside. Awesome whips Storm into the guardrail then pulls out a table. E-C-Dub chants. Canadian fans love Canada and Hardcore! Storm counters an Awesome Bomb attempt, back in the ring, and missile dropkick for two. Awesome gets a belly-to-belly, and then slips on the ropes. The Canadian fans are like real sports fans, all over him for that. This is good shit so far.

Storm gets a backslide for two. Canadian Maple Leaf attempt but Awesome kicks off. Awesome Bomb, it's... was that three? Rougeau says the match must continue! This gets a pop despite being a heel tactic. Awesome gets an Alabama Slam and jackknife pins for a three-count. "Only a three" says commentary, which is a surreal line. Awesome gets on a Dragon Sleeper, and Storm taps. But Rougeau says this isn't over yet! Apparently a title match can't end by submission in Canada. The restart pop is getting quieter. Northern Lights suplex by Storm for two. Storm's jackknife pin gets three.

Awesome starts tossing his weight around. He gets a three off a splash... but Rougeau again! Now the crowd doesn't really care. It's a five-count, then a standing ten-count to win under Canadian Rules. The match, inexplicably, continues. Awesome hits a crappy looking forearm then brings the table into the ring. Storm whacks Awesome in the head with a chair, which is apparently legal in Canadian rules. Awesome kicks out at four. Both men mount the top rope, brawling... belly-to-belly through the table! Rougeau intervenes again... in the event of a double down, the first man standing wins the match. Naturally, Storm stands up first.

Post-match Bret Hart finally shows up... and hugs Storm and Rougeau. You'd think Hart was part of Team Canada, wouldn't you? Nope, he never appeared with them again, and only had a couple of appearances with WCW at all.

This started out as a really fun match, to the point of it being a contender for top of the list (it got a DUD from Meltzer so it has to at least be on the list). However... the restarts just ruined the pace, and made the local babyface look stupid. Really annoying match.

 

[Rosie]

Entry #338
Lance Storm (c) vs. Mike Awesome
Canadian Rules Match for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

Hey @Rosie how you doing? Here's the Canadian Rules match. Lance Storm had probably the peak run of his career around 2000, winning all the midcard titles and rebranding them as Canadian. Meanwhile, Mike Awesome had his career low as the Fat Chick Thriller.

Storm gets a full Goldberg-like entrance, clutching not only his Canadian Heavyweight Title but his 100 Kilos and Under Title and Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title. To a hero's welcome. He's a complete babyface. "US sucks" chants. He's invoking rule 32B for a special guest enforcer. Crowd wants Bret! They get Jacques Rougeau! There's a playing of O Canada, though, so the fans' support isn't gone for too long.

Starting out strong, as you'd expect. Awesome gets a strong start early, with a high elevation Pedigree and a corner clothesline. He's straight up heeling. Leg drop gets two. Storm gets a jawbreaker to reverse the fortunes, and now he's got Awesome cornered. Awesome breaks out of a waistlock and takes it to the outside. Awesome whips Storm into the guardrail then pulls out a table. E-C-Dub chants. Canadian fans love Canada and Hardcore! Storm counters an Awesome Bomb attempt, back in the ring, and missile dropkick for two. Awesome gets a belly-to-belly, and then slips on the ropes. The Canadian fans are like real sports fans, all over him for that. This is good shit so far.

Storm gets a backslide for two. Canadian Maple Leaf attempt but Awesome kicks off. Awesome Bomb, it's... was that three? Rougeau says the match must continue! This gets a pop despite being a heel tactic. Awesome gets an Alabama Slam and jackknife pins for a three-count. "Only a three" says commentary, which is a surreal line. Awesome gets on a Dragon Sleeper, and Storm taps. But Rougeau says this isn't over yet! Apparently a title match can't end by submission in Canada. The restart pop is getting quieter. Northern Lights suplex by Storm for two. Storm's jackknife pin gets three.

Awesome starts tossing his weight around. He gets a three off a splash... but Rougeau again! Now the crowd doesn't really care. It's a five-count, then a standing ten-count to win under Canadian Rules. The match, inexplicably, continues. Awesome hits a crappy looking forearm then brings the table into the ring. Storm whacks Awesome in the head with a chair, which is apparently legal in Canadian rules. Awesome kicks out at four. Both men mount the top rope, brawling... belly-to-belly through the table! Rougeau intervenes again... in the event of a double down, the first man standing wins the match. Naturally, Storm stands up first.

Post-match Bret Hart finally shows up... and hugs Storm and Rougeau. You'd think Hart was part of Team Canada, wouldn't you? Nope, he never appeared with them again, and only had a couple of appearances with WCW at all.

This started out as a really fun match, to the point of it being a contender for top of the list (it got a DUD from Meltzer so it has to at least be on the list). However... the restarts just ruined the pace, and made the local babyface look stupid. Really annoying match.

This match is guilty pleasure because it is like calvinball, similar to the Dutchess of Queensbury Rules, but the cheating hero who changes the rules is the the absolute babyface due to the location and the crowd plays along with it. Clapping when the ref gets a four count. This is chaotic. Plus as a Canadian, this is truly part of our heritage.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #339
KroniK (c) vs. The Dark Carnival (Vampiro/The Great Muta)
for the WCW World Tag Team Championship
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

This was supposed to be the three way dance (as evidenced by the interview with Nash talking about him "going over"), but KroniK decided they wanted to defend their straps a second time. Such is life in Russoland. The question is: what got cut for time in favour of this?

Adams kicks off by tossing Vampiro out, which leads to a lot of standing aronud as they wait for him to come back in. Vampiro gets a spin kick on Clark and does a bit of brawling before Clark tosses him down. Big powerbomb by Clark, then double back elbow from KroniK. Muta gets a cheeky kick from outside, and the heels (?) have the edge. Muta goes for his handspring back elbow but Clark catches him into a full nelson side slam, which is a really cool spot. I really like the way Muta moves, too. Vampiro tags right into a powerslam. Adams takes Vampiro outside with a big boot... at least he doesn't brawl outside for too long.

Vampiro counters a powerbomb into a facebuster. Like Billy Kidman, but dogshit. The Juggalos do a tag team leg-split. Muta starts targeting Adams' knees. Vampiro's already sweated half his face paint off. He shoves the ref during a heat segment, and Clark comes in to distract the ref so Muta can attack on the outside. Double down, hot tag to Clark who wipes both heels out. Meltdown to Vampiro, Muta's about to mist Clark, but he mists the ref instead. High Times teased but Vampiro breaks KroniK off. The fucking Harris Brothers come out! The ref's down and the Nazis give the H-Bomb to Clark. Muta hits a moonsault... new champs!

Generic match ended by Russo silliness. Also the Harris' were involved, so fuck this.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #340
Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash vs. Scott Steiner
Anything Goes Match
WCW New Blood Rising - August 13, 2000​

And here we have it. The match that's been derided as the lowest ebb of worked shoots. And I've not grown to be fond of worked shoots over the years, let me tell you that. This match had everyone in the build talking about the finish and who was going to go over. As if, you know, everything else on the card was fake. Including Booker T winning. Also they talk about Goldberg not being here. He had a motorcycle accident and he won't be showing up. So the commentators just talk about Scott Steiner's power to not go through with a pre-determined finish. Goldberg's music hits but he's not here. "Goldberg fears Gillberg" sign. Yep. Goldberg's music again. Nothing.

Guess these two will have to improvise. Lock-up, Steiner kicks Nash in the corner, while Nash kicks Steiner in the centre. Commentary considers that this might turn into a shootfight. Nash hits a Snake Eyes (a move he gave that name!) on the guardrail. Suddenly Goldberg comes out, taped ribs and chair in hand, and wrecks Nash. Steiner rolls Goldberg into the ring, getting a clothesline and elbow drop for two. Then a belly-to-belly for the same result. Goldberg gets a shoulderblock off and sends Steiner out, just in time for Nash to come into the ring. Commentary continues to talk shoot, like how Nash booked himself to go over at Starrcade '98. Stop.

Nash knees Goldberg in the ribs, and Steiner hits a second belly-to-belly on Nash. "COUNT!" -Steiner to the ref, multiple times. Goldberg gets a butterfly suplex to Steiner. Double down, Goldberg and Steiner. Nash is in the driving seat, downs both men. Side slam to Steiner, and he's out. Big boot by Nash... I'm going to take a new paragraph, just because of what happens next.

Nash sets up the Jackknife but Goldberg shoves him off. Regular counter, right? Except everyone else is acting confused. Goldberg is just walking off! Russo comes out to get into it with Goldberg, telling him to get back in the ring and do the finish, to do his job. Goldberg is refusing to follow the script! What the actual fuck?

Now Nash and Steiner have to improvise again! Which apparently means brawling on the outside. Really exposing the WCW formula. If all else fails, go to the outside and use a chair! They talk about Nash being a pro for continuing this match. Back suplex by Steiner for two. The heat in this match is dead and gone. Backbreaker (sidebreaker?) by Steiner also gets two. Steiner gets wiped out on a corner charge when Nash puts his boot up.

Out comes Midajah. Steiner bumps the ref while Midajah hits Nash right in his cock and balls. Madden calls her a slut for touching another man's crotch. Nash does something equally slutty by punching Steiner in the balls... and then Midajah elbow drops Nash in the balls! Ref wakes up, two count. Nash hits a really sloppy DDT. Delayed pin, Midajah breaks up the fall. Nash threatens Midajah but Steiner piggybacks him. This gives Nash the opening to get the big boot and Jackknife for the pin. Commentary talks a lot about how Steiner is professional for taking the fall.

Complete business-exposing nonsense. WCW deserved to die.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #341
John Cena vs. Michael Cole
WWE Monday Night RAW - June 4, 2012​

And now that that's out of the way, let's dive into one of the more intriguing Cagematch Bottom 50 matches. It's on a random RAW! And it's somehow a sequel to TWO of my bottom 10 matches. Those being Cena/Laurinaitis (Cena bullying) and Cole/Lawler (heel Cole shenanigans). So, the story. Michael Cole put his heel boots back on for Cena. Wheelchair-bound Johnny Ace came out, saying he'd let Cena fight Cole... if he could beat Tensai immediately before. Naturally, Cena Won LOL, and so this match is on. And this match is wrong. Let's try to endure this.

Cole's at the announce desk when the bell rings... and he tries to jump the guardrail and escape into the crowd. Cena catches him, and the opening gambit is Sgt. Slaughter's NOOGIE OF DOOM! In the ring, Cole has a mic and is begging for mercy. "You think this is funny! YOU ALL THINK THIS IS FUNNY!" -Cole. Pretty sure no one thinks this is funny. He talks about how Laurinaitis beat Cena (by Cena's stupidity), and Cole beat Lawler (by DQ). Cena responds by ripping Cole's clothes off. And stomping him in the cock. You know, like a babyface!

Cena puts on a sleeper while burying Cole, telling him to apologise to Lawler. Didn't he already apologise to Lawler last year? AND Jim Ross? And he also has to put over JR's barbecue sauce. Which Lawler happens to have. Cena showers Cole with the spicy stuff... then kindly puts him out with a fire extinguisher. He's finally going to finish it with the AA, but Tensai comes in with a chokebomb. I feel like I'm getting deja vu, and Cena's about to lose a match where he buried a non-wrestler AGAIN... but Cena kicks out at 2. Cole tries to nail Cena with the extinguisher, but takes the AA for the three.

It's basically the same match as Cena/Laurinaitis, which I HATED. The two things it has going for it: it's shorter, and Cena actually won. Still a really nasty match, though.