Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #1016
Francine vs. Jasmin St. Claire
NWA-TNA PPV #5 - July 17, 2002​

I'll just cover this match quickly, as it takes place right after Puppet/Meatball and features two women who have a bit of ECW in them in their own way. The Queen of Extreme vs. the Blue Meanie's then-girlfriend. Jasmin was the Bonnie Blue of her time, claiming to have had it off with 300 men in one day, when in reality it was about a dozen with camera tricks. Can she dominate this match, though? No, and it'll probably be horrible.

Jasmin's limping to the ring, because Francine attacked her in the back. Jeremy Borash damn near faints at the sight of her backside. Francine shows up and it's a catfight. Do you like hair pulling? Hope so! Jasmin tears Francine's shirt off and parades it about because that's what this is. Francine yanks Jasmin's shorts down and uses her belt to whack her opponent on the rear. Blue Meanie shows up to DDT Francine to end this match in DQ. Meanie princess carries Jasmin off while Ed Ferrara leads the medical staff to check on his favourite sex object.

30 seconds of crap and two minutes of angle.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1017
Angelina Love (c)/Velvet Sky vs. ODB/Cody Deaner
for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA Hard Justice - August 16, 2009​

Fuck it, why not. I've got nothing better to do except wait for predictions and/or my death. Here's a match rated 1.50/10 on Cagematch. It's a Russo favourite, a singles title decided in a tag team match. This is theoretically between Angelina and ODB, but Velvet and not-quite-hometown man Deaner are in the match too. Let's see what shenanigans Russo is cooking.

Tale of the Tape mentions a tag team match where ODB pinned Angelina. By this logic shouldn't she be the champ already? Would avoid this match. Velvet proudly displays an aerosol which she will inevitably use. Madison Rayne is out here, fuck it, let her tag in too. There's brawling to start but it feels like nothing Angelina does has any impact. ODB misses a corner attack and now begins the heat segment. Velvet displays her best squealing. When Deaner tags in all his moves involve smacking Velvet's ass somehow. Including a cornered-ten-punch spot but it's slaps to the ass! That's charming in the same way that it is disturbing.

ODB's got to clear off the goons but can't stop Angelina from yanking her leg from the corner. Back to heat. Camera focuses far too much on Velvet's reddened rear end (a younger me would never have said that). The BPs do some MCMG-esque tag moves but at half speed. We finally get a hot tag to Deaner who forces a few kisses on Velvet like a true babyface. He pulls it off on Angelina too. Then Madison gets draped on the ropes and sexually assauted for good measure. Velvet's bent over against the ropes but manages to get a mule kick off to prevent a rape attempt. Botox Injection, but ODB ground-and-pounds Angelina to stop the pin. Velvet holds Deaner back so Madison can use the spray but You Know This Spot! Deaner rolls up Velvet (with more ass-smacking) for the win, to hand the title to ODB.

(Then Deaner grabs the belt himself, arguing that he should be the women's champion because he got the pin. TNA actually hears him out and holds the title up for a later PPV. Hey, at least they didn't Arquette it and give Deaner an actual run.)

Anyway this match has aged awfully even not considering that finish. One to forget.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1018
The Main Event Mafia (Booker T/Scott Steiner) (c) vs. Team 3D
Falls Count Anywhere Match for the TNA World Tag Team Championship
TNA Hard Justice - August 16, 2009​

Also on this card, here's another match that just looks like it stinks. It really looks like it stinks. No doubt you saw Team 3D being way too old for this shit at Bound for Glory. Speaking of tag teams that are way too old for this: Booker T and Scott Steiner! And once again they're hiding behind a hardcore stipulation so it sucks less. It probably won't suck less though! Let's go.

Don West doesn't want Team 3D to win so he doesn't have to print a new "23 Time" shirt. Fans being impatient about tables apparently extends into 2009, who knew? After a brief brawl the MEM are thrown TO THE OUTSIDE and try to walk off and get counted out. In a Falls Count Anywhere match. They must think this is 1999 WCW! But yeah, Team 3D join them and there's a picture-in-picture. It's white vs. white and black vs. black but what unites the peoples of the world is furniture-bashing. Ray traps Steiner's arm in the guardrail whilst Booker and Devon slow-brawl in the crowd. Ray and Steiner also enter their own part of the crowd to draw a weak E-C-Dub chant. And that's how this match continues for a bit.

Steiner tries to do a flying axe handle off a rail and falls off. He uses a chair for two. Devon uses a bottle but camera misses that. Ray misses with the chair. All four men are nearly at the guardrail. Steiner jumps off a balcony for a TNA chant. As in, "only in TNA would an old man attempt something silly like that". By the time the replay has finished Steiner's advantage has gone and he takes a chair to the balls. Booker briefly gets some heat on Devon but Devon recovers and uses a bottle. Steiner does a jackknife pin which must be a challenge on the outside. It's at this point I notice there are two refs. It's a sensible choice, but it's probably in service of some bullshit.

Finally we're back in the ring and Steiner Line gets two. WAZZUP to Steiner and at last it is time to get the tables. All the pageantry lets the MEM members recover but all the stalling they do also lets 3D recover and do a Doomsday Device. Booker moves the table away rather than try and help Steiner, which is a confusing decision. Perhaps he thought it was a tables match? Book End through a table but Ray just kicks out. No save needed. MEM get some beatdown, then Devon gets some beatdown. Steiner does awful corner punches and gets powerbombed. Booker misses a scissors kick. The 3D is hit, but while Booker's being pinned Steiner rolls up Ray! Yep, thought that would happen. Double pinfall result, and perhaps the first use of VAR in wrestling confirms both refs were counting at the same time. Even despite this, the decision is MEM retain. Crowd thinks it's bullshit. Sting probably agrees.

Punchfest with a flat finish. Really poor.