Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #1031
The Vampire Warrior vs. Sonny Siaki
Hard 10 Tournament First Round Match
NWA-TNA PPV #48 - June 4, 2003​

See, I was going to do the follow-up to the above match, but there's another 2 notable stinkers on this show to be dealing with! So fuck it, here's another Hard 10 match. Featuring Siaki vs. Gangrel in our favourite kind of hardcore addition-fest! And Mike Sanders is on commentary again. God help us all.

Siaki gets on the mic and does his faux-Rock promo style about how he doesn't just want to be sexy, he wants to be hardcore. Wait, he was ever sexy?? He challenges Sandman but Sandman isn't his opponent so they have to send him away. Gangrel spits his bloody wine in Siaki's face, and gets two weapon shots in short order. He wastes a bit of time on ringside to let Siaki recover, but then uses a bin a couple of times to make it 4-0. Gangrel somehow manages to botch getting a bin lid knocked out of his hands. Siaki hits a kendo stick shot that puts Gangrel through the table, suddenly making it 6-4. They play pass-the-bin for some reason. The Impaler DDT is hit but Gangrel forgets the rules and goes for a pin. Soon they're on the apron and Siaki hits a neckbreaker to put Gangrel through the table to finish this one.

Stupid rules, but at least it was short.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1032
Ron Killings vs. David Young/Traci Brooks
Anarchy Alliance Tournament Semi-Final Handicap Match
NWA-TNA PPV #48 - June 4, 2003​

There was another tournament going on at the time: a tag team tournament. This was meant to be a full-on tag match with Don Harris on Truth's side, but he refused to participate because he doesn't vibe with "people like" Truth. Not beating the allegations, are we? 2.38/10 according to Cagematch, let's see why.

There's a rather too-long feeling-out process in this match and the crowd is just quiet. Truth shows off his armdrag collection and does a big powerslam. Off the top Truth gord with a leg drop, but Traci comes out flying with a headscissors attack (which she allegedly calls the "Pie in the Sky", ugh). David Young does David Young things which is the same old shit. "BitchSlap" chants as Traci enters and tricks Truth into running at her. Okay, back to DY. He argues with Traci a bit and gets rolled up. Truth does a wheelbarrow buster. Truth gets a scissors kick off and Traci doesn't look to care too much to help DY. Lie Detector hit, Traci flies off the ropes, but gets powerbombed. Nurse Veronica checks on Traci, which means the Consequence gets a delayed count. Front slam, no pin because the other woman in DY's life, Desire, distracts the ref. Nurse Veronica hits Truth in the cock, spinebuster by DY, done.

Oh yeah and Traci fights Desire post-match because reasons. Who cares?

 

[Sky]

Entry #1033
Jeff Jarrett (c) vs. Glenn Gilbertti
for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
NWA-TNA PPV #48 - June 4, 2003​

Kill me now. You don't need an explanation, it's Disco getting a World Title shot. It's Disco being on TV at all. It's Jeff Jarrett being a babyface. 2.30/10 according to Cagematch. I hate these Asylum era matches a little more every time they come up.

They're doing a slow build with the intros and a long feeling out process, as if this is an epic match in front of 50,000 screaming fans rather than a warehose. The first sequence ends with Disco tripping Jarrett. The International (the OVW thing) and Disco gets the hip toss. They're seriously making Jarrett put this stiff over? With armdrags? Sure, Jarrett's overpushed, but at least he's competent! Brawling until Jarrett charges Disco through the ropes TO THE OUTSIDE, and then this match becomes WCW 2000. Furniture bashing and chair shots in front of the ref's face. The genuine highlight is a Snake Eyes on the guardrail, and that's sad.

Mike Sanders comes out with a superkick, and the Harris boys are up in the rafters. Disco catapults Jarrett into the post, and falling back for that is the most athletic thing he's done. He then breaks the 10-count, as if this sort of match had any rules anyway. Back in the ring Disco does a low dropkick and targets the knee as he did Raven. So now he has delusions of being a submission wrestler? Disco does a Funk-esque spinning toe hold (I'm so sorry, Funks, for comparing you to Disco). Jarrett tries the Figure Four but Disco counters and it's ankle lock time. It's so obvious that Jarrett is within rope break range but he doesn't bother for half a year. XXX and AMW are both watching.

Jarrett stops Disco in his tracks and puts on the Figure Four, but Disco reverses. Once again Jarrett overmilks rope break jeopardy. Jarrett gets a DDT for a double down. 3LK are watching too. When both men are back to their feet Jarrett is on top and hits a DDT for two. Commentary goes wild for a Jarrett enzuigiri. Literally everyone is watching now. Crossbody but Disco rolls through for two. AJ Styles is here! How many people are going to interfere? Chartbuster hit but Jarrett's living. Two weeks in a row that finish has been buried.

Disco brings in a chair to Pillmanise the leg. Jarrett hits a stunner of his own over the chair! Then Disco steals the Stroke for two! Jarrett hits a powerbomb but can't get the pin. Jarrett accidentally shoves Disco into the referee which bumps him because oh baby. OH SHIT IT'S VINCE RUSSO who comes out to interfere, and he hits... DISCO? What a swerve! Totally out of nowhere, makes no sense anywhere outside of Vince Russo's head, it's the swerve of '03. Jarrett hits the Stroke and retains and I'm once again past caring.

So fucking boring and then so silly.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1034
Jeff Jarrett vs. Dusty Rhodes
Fans' Revenge Match
NWA-TNA PPV #73 - November 26, 2003​

Okay, this is a bit of a relief from all the pain, as it's a rare match that doesn't have a lot of followup and more bad wrestling to watch on the same show. Enjoy it while it lasts! Jarrett isn't putting his title on the line, but he's facing Dusty in a match where (plant) fans are at ringside with straps with which to batter the champ. 1.71/10 according to Cagematch.

Jimmy Hart leads out the fans to American Made, of all things. They really wanted Hogan to show up, didn't they? Jarrett wastes a bit of time by grabbing a mic and promoing on the fans with straps. Then they stare at each other. This is all within the bell time of the match. We're about a minute and a half in and all that happens is a clean break on the ropes. Dusty hits a Bionic Elbow and sends Jarrett out for a strapping. Somehow this gets TNA chants. Jarrett has brief dalliances with the outside that get him red raw from the strapping. Certainly isn't from Dusty's punches, because they look poor. Jarrett gives a cornered pounding to Dusty and tries to give him to the fans. Silly Jarrett, there's no way they'll whip Dusty! He's the babyface!

Dusty stops selling and starts brawling, sending Jarrett out again. Now Dusty's got a belt and whips and chokes Jarrett with it. Jarrett hits a mule kick to the nuts and Dusty collides with the referee because of courthe, daddeh. Time for Jarrett to steal the ref's belt and smack away. Jimmy Hart comes in for the save, Don Callis comes in, Jarrett smacks Hart. Motherfucking Erik Watts shows up and hits the chokeslam on Jarrett, and threatens Callis. Red shirt security guys beat up Watts, and now this match is just thrown out. AJ Styles does an uncharateristically shit dive on to Jarrett. We're outta time.

So much time wasting and so much nothing. Why put Dusty in the ring for this farce?

 

[Sky]

Entry #1035
The James Gang vs. The Latin-American Xchange
TNA Destination X - March 12, 2006​

Another brief little one-shot, because nothing else on this card was absolutely terrible. This is a six-man contest with the ex-New Age Outlaws (whom I will call by their WWE names) teaming up with Bullet Bob Armstrong to take on the crew of Konnan, Homicide, and... Machete? Who's Machete? Exactly. It's a 1.89/10 on Cagematch, how bad can it possibly be? Those 1.89 points had to come from somewhere!

Bob Armstrong looks so out of place. Both sides cut promos, and Road Dogg is too angry to do catchphrases because if Bob's mad, everyone's mad. Kick off with Dogg vs. Machete. Gunn is in illegally which distracts the ref. Machete can get a totally ineffective shot off that, but Homicide does more damage. Not like you can tell with how little Dogg is selling. He soon recovers but can't Shake, Rattle, or Roll because of a distraction. Time for Dogg to play Ricky Morton. Homicide hits a neckbreaker. More shenanigans happen and Homicide tries to do a Tornado DDT but Dogg overpowers him. Double down!

Hot tag to the unnaturally tall Billy Gunn, who splashes Machete but wastes too much time setting up so Homicide can get a hit in. Dogg hits Homicide with his highest spot, a double axe handle off the apron. Now finally we get Bob vs. Konnan, and Bob removes Konnan from the ring with one punch. James Gang are destroyng LAX on the announce table. Back in the ring Dogg's about to pumphandle slam Machete, Homicide is prepping a chair but Bob takes it from him. Dogg kicks the chair into Homicide's face and everyone gets cleared off. Machete gets beaten up 3-on-1 and Gunn hits the One and Only (sorry, the Missouri Boat Ride). Score one for the old white people!

All I've got for this is one big shrug. It left no impression on me, was just your standard 6-man tag with a mix of relics, no-hopers, and Homicide.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1036
Tara (c) vs. Madison Rayne
for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA Impact - October 14, 2010​

EMERGENCY BACKUP MATCH! Yeah, I covered the Flair/Lethal match apparently. And I did not need to see Flair's geriatric body being stripped for the third time. So here's a match that I know is really short. After a good 45 minutes of non-stop talking, the fallout show from Bound for Glory 2010 had this 'un. And it's a rematch from BfG.

Like all good matches, this starts as a segment with Madison Rayne walking to the ring with a ref. She's shrieking about being disappointed that her lackey Tara is the KO champion and not her. Tara's out, and Madison screams in her face about being owed a match and how she needs to do the right thing. She agrees to put the belt up, which is silly. Madison demands Tara lie down and give her the title... and Tara goes through with it. So fucking stupid. Madison celebrates, Mickie James shows up, who cares anymore? You've just buried the belt.

Sooooo fucking stupid. Like reviewing a match you've already done.