Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #993
Sami Callihan vs. Rob Van Dam
Impact Wrestling - September 22, 2020​

Well, I guess that was TNA. I'll still follow, but don't expect me to be dominating the live chats any longer. I'll instead dedicate this to my new future endeavour: speedrunning all the bad TNA matches so I can cancel my TNA+ subscription. You liked the WWE speedrun? Here it is again! We'll start with an easy one, on a random ass Impact from the pandemic. I may have been getting snacks when this match was happening live. Those who weren't said it was 1.59/10 worthy, at least those on Cagematch. The stipulation is that if RVD wins Katie Forbes gets five minutes in the ring with Sami. Either way, the result would get them kicked off Twitch again! Let's watch.

We're introduced, as with every 2020 RVD match, by Katie Forbes twerking her surgically-enhanced rear. Match kicks off on the short Skyway ramp, where Sami shoves RVD to the rail, then charges Katie before returning to the rail-bashing. RVD gets a shot in but it doesn't last. Sami divides himself evenly between threatening Katie and doing basic BOTO. Back to the ring, Katie grabs Sami's ankle so RVD can batter him off the apron. Now it's time for Sami to get smacked against the rail. RVD does a (slow, sloppy) Rolling Thunder on the outside. He manages to get a spin kick against the apron. Meanwhile, Katie Forbes means that Madison Rayne on commentary is somehow not the most annoying female voice we hear.

We're in the ring at last and NOW the bell rings. Sami gets some advantage, moving with more urgency than he ever has since. ROPE CHOKING! He does the smart thing by targeting RVD's legs, which lets the commentary call RVD too old for this shit. RVD gets a drop toe hold and distracts the ref so Katie Forbes can get a shot in. One break later, RVD is employing a boot choke. He does what he thinks is amateur mat work but is just really awkward. RVD mentions Sabu and locks in a camel clutch. Sami escapes with a bite to the hand. On goes a body scissors for RVD, Sami slowly fights out while Katie dances without a care in the world.

Sami attacks the ankle and now both men are doing punches on their knees. They get to feet and RVD goes for an eye rake. Sami responds with one of his own to stop a turnbuckle bash. He puts kicks in and spikes RVD with a DDT for two. Katie distracts the ref when Sami's trying to hit his piledriver, Sami challenges her, but Katie sprays something in his face. Bodyscissors pin for RVD takes it.

Okay, time for that five minutes from Katie. She boots Sami and hits a running hip attack. She twerks which rouses Sami. Sami teases a piledriver but RVD interferes and gets a wheel kick. RVD grabs a chair and lays it on Sami, and they do the sloppiest most heterosexual kiss there is. This lets Sami recover enough to get up and toss the chair at RVD, then piledrive Katie.

Really limited, a testament to how old RVD was, and based on a dogshit feud, but absolutely not fit to lace the boots of the all-time bad in this thread.

 

[Sky]

Entry #994
Hernandez vs. Shera
Chairly Legal Match
Impact HardCORE Justice - April 10, 2021​

Speaking of clapped-out ECW Originals, let's look at HardCORE Justice! Not the 2010 one, but the 2021 one that was in kayfabe booked by Tommy Dreamer. And he inserted three gimmick matches on to the show, and not one of them broke the 3/10 mark on Cagematch. Let's look at them in bulk! First off, a match that you can tell stinks just by looking at it! Roid monster Hernandez vs. never-good Shera in a CHAIRS match!

This is the era of pandemic TNA when they added crowd noise so taping in an empty building didn't sound so depressing. Lock-up, clash of shoulderblocks, standard big man aura spots, Hernandez hits a shitty boot and Shera uses a knee. Some very WCW stuff happens until Hernandez hits a front suplex on the ropes. In comes the first chair but Shera reclaims the edge and slams Hernandez on to it for two. Hernandez sets one chair up, smacks Shera with a second, then sets up two more. Then Shera spoils it all by booting Hernandez over his chair structure and dismantling it. What was the point? In the ring, Shera sets up chairs but Hernandez slams him on to them. Hernandez wastes a bit more time propping chairs in the corners. He then whips Shera into the corner back-first, so he barely grazes the chair. Chair face bash for two.

Hernandez props Shera's leg in the corner and shatters some dreams. D'Lo Brown on commentary has to pretend to be excited by Hernandez's clubbing blows. Shera gets a foot up and throws some lariats. Big spinebuster by Shera for two. Back to the floor we go, and Shera lays a chair (lightly) into Hernandez. He tries to charge Hernandez into the ring post but gets reversed. Hernandez uses the downtime to flood the ring with chairs. He goes up top for no reason other than to set up a Shera superplex. Only Hernandez's legs hit the pile of chairs. "Perfectly done" says Matt Striker. Maybe if it had been, it would have gotten the three. Hernandez stops selling, gets up, swings a chair, and charges Shera into the propped chairs. OUTTANOWHERE comes Rohit Raju to attack and give the win to Shera, reuniting the Desi Hit Squad team that had only just been broken up a month or so ago.

Very few wrestling moves done, so much time wasted teasing chair stuff that never happened.

 

[Sky]

Entry #995
Matt Cardona vs. Johnny Swinger
Crate American Bash Match
Impact HardCORE Justice - April 10, 2021​

Next up, a repeat of the San Francisco 49ers match. What's after that? A Blindfold match? (...oh wait.) Anyway, there's stuff in boxes, and the boxes are quite small so the weapons can't be particularly good. Also it features Johnny Swinger so it'll be comedy. Let's hope the comedy's funny! 2.50/10 on Cagematch, though, means it's unlikely.

The Swingerellas are out here! Swinger offers the special handshake, tries to dash for a crate, then gets rolled up for two. The Swingerellas back Swinger up when he says Cardona held the tights. Swinger stumbles back when Cardona aims a punch. "He tried to potato me" - god, remember when Dango tried to do this same gimmick as a serious heel? Trash. Trip by Swinger is followed by a strut. Cardona counters a full nelson by bumping Swinger in the penis. He tries to charge Swinger to the ropes but eats a mule kick to the cock. Swinger stomps the cock in full view of the ref. Fist drops follow, along with an Orndorff elbow drop.

Swinger finally goes to the first crate, and it's a PICTURE OF SCOTT HALL! As a true Bad Wrestling Fan that pops me. If you're doing a box match, reference the original bad box match. Swinger stuffs it down his tights, Cardona takes it out and does nothing with it. Swinger avoids a dropkick and does grounded chokes. He then shoves Cardona off the apron into the rail. Next is a neck snap over the ropes, and then Swinger does his fist and elbow again for two. Swinger's so slow he can't get the second box, so Cardona can hit a jawbreaker. Cardona's on the corner so Swinger can sweep the leg and open box 2. It's a mousetrap! Cardona gets a bit of shine, including a dropkick that visibly misses. Swinger does a flop and gets pinned for two.

Clash of heads causes a double down. Each man crawls to a box in the opposite corner. Cardona decides to keep what's in his box secret, but Swinger finds (eventually) brass knuckles. He swings, eats Radio Silence, and gets pinned. Cardona is taking the final box with him, not revealing his secrets.

Could have been an okay comedy match if not for the flat finish and weird pacing.

 

[Sky]

Entry #996
Jake Something vs. Brian Myers
Hardcore Blindfold Match
Impact HardCORE Justice - April 10, 2021​

During the preamble to this match, Matt Striker brings up Rick Martel vs. Jake Roberts. Don't threaten me with a good time, Striker. That's the greatest ever blindfold match and you know it. This one won't touch it. 2/10 on Cagematch, on the dot. Let's see it.

I miss Brian Myers' old theme. D'Lo points out the immediate problem with this blindfold match: a big part of the fun for the crowd is playing red light, green light, and in kayfabe that helps the wrestlers. This time there is no crowd. They stumble about, butt bump, and lose each other again. Myers attacks the ref, and the noise lets Jake bump him in the corner. Myers manages to discover a bin lid, and when Jake meets him Myers whacks him in the blindfolded face with the lid. Plastic pipe attacks follow. And face bashes! Myers holds on to Jake while fumbling for a AAA-style baking sheet, which he uses for two. ON GOES THE BLINDFOLDED CHINLOCK!

Myers hits a Flatliner but doesn't know Jake is on his front so he can't pin. He tries a suplex, there's a sunset flip scramble, then Jake can hit a powerbomb for two. They find each other again, and Jake gets a few ripcord lariats. On the fifth attempt, Myers finds the ref and brings him into the line of fire. Yep, REF BUMP! Because of course. Myers removes his blindfold and starts to lay in, during which Jake's blindfold comes off. Out comes Cardona with the box! He teases Myers and tosses it to Something. Something whacks Myers to reveal the crate's contents: action figures! Into the Void, done.

Apart from the fundamentally flawed concept, this isn't as awful as it seems. Lame, but not too lame.

 

[Sky]

Entry #997
Jay Lethal vs. Ric Flair
Street Fight
TNA Impact - August 5, 2010​

One last bad match for today, as I remember I've got to finish my entire TNA 2010-12 watchback as well before I can cancel my sub. Fucking hell. Fuck me. Speaking of 2010, here's a 2010 match I watched. It got an astonishing 0.73/10 from Cagematch. Let's see it.

Flair decides he wants to wrestle in a suit. He gets the early edge with an eye poke and starts to tear as Lethal's vest. Big ol' nutshot and hamstring kicks weaken Lethal before Flair brings out a bit of plunder. Lethal responds by hiding under the ring and catching Flair unawares with a springboard dropkick. He exposes Flair's wrinkly old man chest to make it vulnerable to chops. Kendo stick shot to the dome, and Flair blades (obviously). Lethal does cornered punches, and Flair does a really fun flop. Doug Williams is here. Lethal uses a baking sheet to make Flair flop again. He then tears away Flair's trousers, then gives him a lashing with his own belt. By this point, Flair's in his underwear and one shoe.

A bin shot makes Flair flop again. Flair does an eye poke and goes up top, but Lethal uses some more baking sheet shots (to the head, again) and nails him with a superplex. Wiliams drags Lethal out to stop the pin. Sunset flip with Flair's underwear being pulled down, because Ric Flair cannot go five seconds without exposing old man-ass. The ref distraction of making Flair more decent allows Williams to get a bet shot to hand the win to Flair. Lethal even gets his foot on the rope and Williams knocks it away. Flair wins.

Absolutely not a match that belongs among the upper echelons of bad matches. Seeing geriatric Ric Flair get stripped is an unedifying spectacle, but it served a purpose and wasn't marked by botches.

 

[Mr. PrettyGood]

Entry #996
Jake Something vs. Brian Myers
Hardcore Blindfold Match
Impact HardCORE Justice - April 10, 2021​

During the preamble to this match, Matt Striker brings up Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts. Don't threaten me with a good time, Striker. That's the greatest ever blindfold match and you know it. This one won't touch it. 2/10 on Cagematch, on the dot. Let's see it.

I miss Brian Myers' old theme. D'Lo points out the immediate problem with this blindfold match: a big part of the fun for the crowd is playing red light, green light, and in kayfabe that helps the wrestlers. This time there is no crowd. They stumble about, butt bump, and lose each other again. Myers attacks the ref, and the noise lets Jake bump him in the corner. Myers manages to discover a bin lid, and when Jake meets him Myers whacks him in the blindfolded face with the lid. Plastic pipe attacks follow. And face bashes! Myers holds on to Jake while fumbling for a AAA-style baking sheet, which he uses for two. ON GOES THE BLINDFOLDED CHINLOCK!

Myers hits a Flatliner but doesn't know Jake is on his front so he can't pin. He tries a suplex, there's a sunset flip scramble, then Jake can hit a powerbomb for two. They find each other again, and Jake gets a few ripcord lariats. On the fifth attempt, Myers finds the ref and brings him into the line of fire. Yep, REF BUMP! Because of course. Myers removes his blindfold and starts to lay in, during which Jake's blindfold comes off. Out comes Cardona with the box! He teases Myers and tosses it to Something. Something whacks Myers to reveal the crate's contents: action figures! Into the Void, done.

Apart from the fundamentally flawed concept, this isn't as awful as it seems. Lame, but not too lame.

I'm going to try to work the phrase "Blindfolded chinlock" into some of my classes this year. Did Striker reference Rick Rude or Rick Martel against the Snakeman?

 

[Emb]

Entry #992
The Bushwhackers vs. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers
SWS Osaka Fighting Party Begins - December 7, 1990​

I prayed I'd never see this matchup again. But, on a walk through a certain wrestling blog, I found out that they ran the Bushwhackers/Rougeaus match again. And someone filmed it. Granted, on a shitty handheld camera, but it was filmed. And so I get to watch yet another Bushwhackers/Rougeaus match, at a distance with a grainy camera so I can't even see what was meant to be funny. This is at what is now Edion Arena Osaka. Goto won the big one not knowing he was standing on the hallowed ground where a Bushwhacker bit a Rougeau on the ass, probably. Let's go.

Of course, one of the flaws of being a fancam is that I can even less tell the members of these two teams apart than usual. At least Osaka gets to hear All-American Boys like it deserves. The Kiwis kick off by polishing each other's heads. The balder of the Rougeaus demands whichever Bushwhacker this is take his hat off. I believe it's Jacques, because I can't see Ray's brilliant moustache on this guy's face. We're about to get a lock-up, but Jacques backs off and kips up just because he can. Oh yeah, that's a Jacques spot for sure. Crowd chants for Dynamite Kid, whom Jacques famously beat the shit out of once. It's like chanting CM Punk to Jack Perry.

Jacques offers a handshake but gets blown off repeatedly, so he kicks the Kiwi about. He does that leapfrog counter to a back body drop. He holds back the Bushwhacker so Ray can attack, but the other Bushwhacker grabs Ray! It would have been a great spot if they'd done a Rock Em Sock Em Robots sort of thing by manipulating each other's arms, but no, both heels just get beaten up. DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE to Ray and time for the Kiwis to march about and waste time. At least the crowd is having fun. Ray hits a Kiwi from behind and gets a bit of heat. The Bushwhackers counter an abdominal stretch with a bite on the ass, and that clears them out for more time-wasting.

Jacques gets a cheap shot in letting Ray get some heat. With ROPE CHOKING! Jacques does his back elbow and shoves the other Kiwi off to force a ref distraction and allow a leg-splitter. Whichever Bushwhacker this is is bumping great but badly underselling. Ref misses a hot tag. Abdominal stretch with Ray grabbing outside for assistance. Ray really kung-fus it up on a thrust kick. Eventually he gets headbutt in the cock. Jacques causes a distraction to make the ref miss the hot tag again. Quebec Crab and knee drop. The quick tag bullying continues while the other Bushwhacker runs in like an idiot as if he doesn't know that'll cause more double-teaming.

Eventually the Kiwi gets a shitty shoulderblock that enables a hot tag. Jacques and Ray bounce all around for whichever Bushwhacker this is, playing a great dazed act for a meeting of the minds. Ray does a trip from the outside and Jacques hits an elbow for two. The Rougeaus do-si-do about each other and dropkick the Kiwis. Ray holds whichever Kiwi back but You Know This Spot. Battering Ram, done.

Hm. Maybe the Bushwhackers are a lot less offensive when they're not close-up. Still, this was not good, and not even acceptable. It just... wasn't eye-gougingly painful.

There's a Bushwhackers vs Rougeaus match that took place in Boston on 2/11/89 that you might like better than their other matches.

 

[Sky]

Entry #998
Bo Dupp vs. Ed Ferrara
Dupp Cup Match
NWA-TNA PPV #8 - August 7, 2002​

I've got two slots to fill in before the Big 1-0-0-0, so here's the Dupp Cup! A bizarre hardcore stipulation instated in TNA in 2002. The Dupp Cup rules were simple. It was a point-based hardcore match, sort of. As explained on "Jive Talkin' with Glenn Gilbertti" (fucking hell, that's so bad early TNA), the scoring is:

• 10 points to a win
• If you put your foe through a table, 2.5 points (5 points if it's a burning table)
• If you put your foe's head in the toilet, 2.5 points (3.5 point if there's sheeeeeet in it)
• If you goose a woman, 2.5 points
• If you goose a man, 3.5 points
• If you hit Jeremy Borash, 2.5 points
• If you hit Sarah the ticket lady, 2.5 points
• If you use a farm animal, 2.5 points ("What do you mean by use?" -Disco. "What do you think, boy?" -Stan Dupp.)
• If you smack your opponent on the bare ass with Horsey-Poo the hobby horse, 2.5 points, but if the victim likes it, minus 2.5 points
• If you introduce your opponent to "Jai", 2.5 points
• If you cry in the ring, minus 5 points
• If you put your opponent's head in a candy floss machine and turn it for a full rotation, 10 points, instant win
• As suggested by Disco, if you use a weapon provided by a fan, 1 point

And all that to earn a spitoon that's had shit in it. Matches with Disco and Tough Enough's Paulina are shut down, but the former Oklahoma steps up, and kicks right off by decking JB and goosing Don West (Bo 0-6 Ed). Both Dupps swarm the ring but Ed makes them run into each other. He succumbs to the double assault eventually. Stan steals a chair from a fan and uses it, as does Bo (Bo 2-6 Ed). A fan's boot, drink, and walking cane are also introduced (Bo 5-6 Ed). Out comes "Jai" the blow-up doll. I hope they didn't use the literal same doll eight and a half years later, that would be sad. (Bo 7.5-6 Ed). Bo tries to attack the ticket lady to get an instant win but she batters him with a broom.

Paulina from Tough Enough hits Stan in the nuts and brings a blackboard down on him. Ed gets a spear and some shots with a fan's chair (Bo 7.5-8 Ed). Bo has the most ridiculous sell of a nut shot I've ever seen. Ed lines up a Horsey-Poo shot but Bo inexplicably likes it (Bo 7.5-5.5 Ed). Ed gets the tables, which is stupid when you've just put your opponent in winning range but not yourself. Bo slaps him around and chokeslams him to finish it (Bo 10-5.5 Ed). GG. Wait no, BG.

This is what goes on in Vince Russo's mind all the time. This shit makes sense to him. And that should scare the fuck out of you.

 

[Sky]

Entry #999
Bo Dupp vs. Teo
Dupp Cup Match
NWA-TNA PPV #9 - August 14, 2002​

The second and thankfully final appearance of the Dupp Cup took place on the next week's show, where Bo took on little-person sex offender, and co-star of a future feature, Teo! We're in maximum Russo territory here! Same rules at last time, same inane comedy attempts. Just to amuse myself, I'll muse a little on the Dupp's gimmick. All their names were puns. You've got Bo Dupp, Jack Dupp, Stan Dupp, Puck Dupp, and their incestuous love interest Fluff Dupp. I guess the censors wouldn't let them do Fuck Dupp. Anyway, let's dive in.

Stan has a weird fear of little people. Teo does a Vader Bomb headbutt into JB's nuts to start off (Bo 0-2.5 Teo). He then takes a serving tray and chair from the fans and concusses Bo, probably (Bo 0-4.5 Teo). Teo lines up Horsey-Poo but Bo clearly wants this to happen so he goes for a nut shot with the hobby horse instead. Stan screams his head off at the sight of Teo which apparently counts as crying like a pussy (Bo -5-4.5 Teo). To make up the numbers Bo grabs three bits of plunder and abuses Teo with shots to the head (Bo -2-4.5 Teo). Stan gives a board to a fan, who gives it back, and this now counts as a fan-provided weapon. The board has "no lil people" written on it. Teo doesn't quite break the thing. (Bo -1-4.5 Teo)

Stan gooses Don West (Bo 2.5-4.5 Teo) and escapes out the crowd to harass the ticket lady, but fails again and gets broomed. There's inexplicably an outhouse on the stage. Bo drags Teo to it, but it turns out PUPPET THE GODDAMNED PSYCHO DWARF IS INSIDE! Puppet whacks Bo with a kendo stick and Teo dunks him, which apparently finishes it. Um, no it doesn't. Not even if there's sheeeeet in it (Bo 2.5-7 Teo if no sheeeet, Bo 2.5-8 Teo if there is). I am not ruling out a goosing happening off-screen, but we did not see ten points. "Does this mean he has to defend it?" -Don West. Thankfully no.

And that is number 999. We're heading into quadruple figures next. And since we've run out of monumentally bad industry-ruining matches to deal with, I might as well do something that's been requested, by one person, for a long, long time.