Just gonna take a few shots and start this shit

[Chris]

Event: The Great American Bash - Join Our Party
Date: June 27, 2004
Venue: Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, Virginia
Attendance: ~6,500
Commentators: Michael Cole & Tazz

WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero
WWE United States Champion: John Cena
WWE Tag Team Champions: The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von Dudley)
WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Rey Mysterio

Pretty good video package showing the JBL/Eddie feud airs to start the show then it goes on to hype up the US title Fatal 4-Way and this dumbass concrete crypt match. It ends with the pledge of allegiance.

Torrie is in the ring wearing the same outfit only less slutty as the poster above and all she does is say its her pleasure to welcome us to the show. Time for the first Great American Bash in 4 years. Cole and Tazz hype up the concrete crypt on the stage and introduce the Spanish announce team before the first match starts.

Cena doesn’t even have his spinner belt yet but he’s wearing a Michael Vick jersey LOL. He’s the first one out and says he hasn’t rapped in awhile and gets the crowd all hyped up before doing a poem shitting on Angle bc he’s feuding with him more than any other guy in this match. He says the only thing RVD is rolling are blunts and makes a GI Bro joke for Booker before shitting on Fifi and the French Tickler which are the only two things Rene has going for him, poor guy. Glad Cena stops the rapping soon, it was great to get him over and was still over af here but IMO had already gotten old.

Fatal 4-Way Elimination Match for the WWE United States Championship: John Cena (c) vs Booker T vs Rene Dupree (w/ Fifi) vs Rob Van Dam
All four brawl to start for like a minute that’s pretty fun until they just start doing the two in, two out thing. Dupree sucks and Booker and RVD have next to no motivation so it’s up to 04 Cena to try and pull this one out Booker just starts watching from outside mostly so we literally just get two people wrestling in the ring and none of it is good. RVD/Dupree is the next pairing after Dupree takes out Cena. I forgot it was elimination so Booker’s strategy ain’t bad at all. RVD is able to hit a dive to the outside to take out Cena who just now got up and Dupree who he threw out there. Cena/RVD are in the ring now but RVD finally slides out of the ring and tells Booker to get his ass in there So it’s Cena/Booker and I’ll never know why Smackdown liked this match-up so much in 2004. Dupree/Booker start an exchange and we get a French Tickler Booker hits a spinebuster on Dupree and RVD hits a Frog Splash on him before taking out Cena on the top rope and then another Frog Splash on Booker. Cena then comes in and eliminates RVD with a roll-up. Rob Van Dam has been eliminated. Booker and Dupree double team Cena but argue over who gets to cover him even though it’s fucking elimination WHO BOOKED THIS! Cena comes back and hits a FU on Dupree but Booker hits a Scissors Kick on Cena and pins Dupree first to eliminate the Frenchman. Rene Dupree has been eliminated. Cena kicks out a couple times now so Booker starts working over Cena’s neck for a bit until Cena comes back and starts hitting his usual shit before pumping up his kicks, WOW I forgot he used to do that. They have a meh counter exchange before Cena counters a Scissors Kick and hits an F-U for the win. Alright I guess but the booking was pretty dumb.

Cena is walking backstage after the match when Charlie Haas and Jackie congratulate him so he hits on Jackie in front of Haas and walks off, then Angle wheels himself over and says he can’t believe how far Haas has fallen since the Team Angle days Angle books Haas against his new protege Luther Reigns NEXT! YAY for filler!

Sable is in a hot tub and says the Smackdown divas will be conducting interviews from here tonight and she’s interviewing the biggest start of all...her. She says tonight she has a match against Torrie and she’s gonna prove that no one looks better in red, white, and blue than her. Sable wrestling in 2004 smh

Charlie Haas (w/ Jackie Gayda) vs Luther Reigns (w/ Kurt Angle)
Haas still got the WGTT music, shit used to go so hard. I will say that Haas’s selling is amazing here and makes Reigns’s offense not look as terrible as it is. This gets 7 minutes though which is way too long for Reigns to just do basic power stuff. Angle says to hurry it up and Haas is able to make a comeback with a couple suplexes that are better than anything Reigns has done but then Haas runs shoulder first into the post allowing Reigns to hit his sweet neckbreaker finisher that I forgot about.

Backstage JBL says he guaranteed victory at Judgment Day and he did bc Eddie got himself disqualified on purpose to retain his title. But tonight there’s no DQs and it’s a bullrope match which is JBL’s match bc he’s from Texas. TODAY IS JBL’S VINDICATION! Man this gimmick was amazing. JBL not only guarantees victory tonight but that he will be the new WWE Champion.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Rey Mysterio (c) vs Chavo Guerrero
They give this 20 minutes bc they couldn’t find more filler matches but I’m thankful for it. Chavo and Rey have had a lot of matches and I feel like they’re all around this good, never amazing but always really solid and this is no different. They start with a much slower pace than usual with some pretty fun mat work. “Bring Back Chavo Classic” sign spotted It speeds up and Mysterio is on fire, all his shit is spot on and they have some really fun counter exchanges. Mysterio starts working over the arm and Guerrero sells it pretty well before hitting this awesome springboard dropkick sending Mysterio falling to the floor from the top rope. Mysterio’s knee hit hard so Guerrero instantly goes at that. This is almost some Naitch-like knee work by Guerrero, it’s not bad at all. This drags a little due to the match length but Mysterio manages enough comeback attempts to keep it from getting boring. Also I gotta say I love Mysterio’s selling and it’s a genius strategy by Guerrero but limiting his flying hurts this match a little bc he’s so good at it. Also Cole used to be so much worse at commentary he’s like a different guy now than this loser. Mysterio finally makes a real comeback after Guerrero runs into the steel post and Mysterio hits a senton to the outside bc fuck his knee. They both end up on the top rope and kinda underwhelmingly just both go face first off of it in the middle of the ring. Mysterio selling his knee while doing his offense that almost entirely uses his legs is pretty impressive and he does it enough I’ll forgive him for the few times he doesn’t. Guerrero is able to hit a Sweet Gory Bomb out of nowhere but covers slow bc of his arm from earlier so Mysterio kicks out. Mysterio comes back with an enzuguri and a 619, but Guerrero reverses the West Coast Pop into a single leg crab that they work for awhile until Mysterio gets a rope break. Guerrero goes for another Gory Bomb but Mysterio reverses into a sunset flip bomb for the win A bright spot on this terrible show for sure.

Torrie is in the interviewing hot tub with Spike Dudley, Billy Kidman and my boy Funaki. They start arguing about who’s the better cruiserweight like anyone cares so Torrie stands up and says she has to get ready for her match and Kidman stares along with the other two at his then Wife’s ass as if he isn’t hitting it Funaki says GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Billy Gunn vs Kenzo Suzuki (w/ Hiroko)
Suzuki’s entrance with the dudes carrying him was cool, too bad he sucks in the ring. This is a rematch from last Smackdown bc Hiroku threw powder in Gunn’s eyes so he won by DQ. This fucking sucks bro like it’s bad. Gunn isn’t shit in 2004 and Suzuki’s ninja offense is hilariously bad. Also this is like the 3rd time tonight I’ve noticed a ref counting when someone’s shoulders were obviously up. The crowd is so dead but anyway Suzuki just massages Gunn’s shoulders and pretends it’s a submission and mixes in some other terrible offense god why did you give this 8 minutes. Gunn has a terrible comeback but misses a Fame-asser and Suzuki completely whiffs on a Shining Wizard for a 2 count. Suzuki hits a terrible neckbreaker to win, fuck this.

Paul Heyman is backstage with Paul Bearer tied up and he says everyone thinks he’s bluffing about murdering Bearer but he’ll have no problem pulling the lever and filling Bearer’s crypt with concrete. But Bearer won’t have to worry about anything if Undertaker just does the right thing but then threatens to murder Bearer either way wow so what leverage does he really have over Taker then?

Sable vs Torrie Wilson
I’m surprised Sable is still here at this point but she is still looking better than I’d expect. This sucks as a match obviously though. They do all the usual catfight stuff which is fine but then they try to do wrestling exchanges and fuck up almost all of them Torrie makes a face comeback that’s pretty sloppy before they both run into each other head first and drop. Sable pretends to be hurt so Torrie just looks around until Sable botches a roll-up and gets the win with neither shoulder down Bruh theme of the night is pins that shouldn’t have been counted, that’s just the first one that won a match.

Undertaker is in a dark hallway backstage WALKING!

Dawn Marie is standing in front of the interview hot tub with Rene Dupree who’s pissed about the Fatal 4-Way earlier. He says he’s gonna protest for a rematch and hits on Dawn and asks if she wants to see his French Tickler The FBI come up and Nunzio says if she really wants to be impressed then to check out his FIFTEEN INCHES She leaves with Nunzio like a thot and Johnny Stamboli says Dupree is like a size 6.

Hardcore Holly vs Mordecai
This Mordecai gimmick UGH! So these two brawled last Thursday on Smackdown and that’s why I have to watch this match. If we’re comparing filler matches this is a million times better than Suzuki/Gunn but probably not as good as Reigns/Haas but why do I act like you guys care about any of these dumbass matches. Anyway, there’s some hate to this at least but Mordecai just sucks. They brawling ain’t that bad bc they’re fine with actually hitting each other but then Mordecai just does these boring rest holds until Holly makes a comeback but it doesn’t last too long until Mordecai hits a sitout spinebuster for two. They go back and forth a bit more not doing too much until Mordecai hits a Crucifix Bomb for the win. Bruh fuck this PPV.

SummerSlam live AUGUST 15! DESTINY!

Video package of the JBL/Eddie feud airs, one of the best parts of 04 Smackdown easily.

Texas Bullrope Match for the WWE Championship: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs John “Bradshaw” Layfield
Really hate the touch 4 corners rule for these matches as I’m sure you guys know by now, I just don’t understand why they can’t just have a No DQ match with them tied together bc the corner thing ruins all the heat. JBL takes advantage early using the cowbell as a weapon and as expected this is a fun brawl before they try and touch the corners. Guerrero tries to touch the corners earlier while JBL keeps using the rope as a weapon so that’s a cool story starting. JBL strips both the Spanish and English announce tables but Guerrero fights back and they have a solid brawl where Guerrero ends up with a chair and kills JBL with it to bust him open, nice call back to Judgment Day. Guerrero hits him with it again in the ring and tries to touch the corners but JBL recovers before the 4th corner and they work it really fuckin well before they start over but Guerrero just can’t pull JBL’s dead weight to the fourth corner. This is honestly the best working of the 4 corner stipulation I’ve seen in one of these matches, the size difference makes it really fun. Guerrero is able to hit the Three Amigos and a Frog Splash but JBL smartly rolls out of the ring so he can’t touch the 4th corner. Guerrero tries to pull JBL up but JBL catches him on the apron and FLINGS HIS ASS ONTO THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE THAT DOESN’T EVEN BREAK SICK BUMP Since it didn’t break JBL powerbombs Guerrero through it and Cole calls hit a spinebuster JBL has an awesome desperation attempt at the fourth corner but Guerrero hits him with a low blow to stop the momentum. They both start touching the corners now and the ref makes a judgement call to leave them both at 3 while they work it and Guerrero finally lunges over JBL to touch the fourth corner to win BUT WAIT! Luther Reigns wheels Kurt Angle out and he says he needs to do the right thing so they replay the ending that shows JBL’s back hit the corner first so JBL wins NEW CHAMPION!

JBL celebrates while pouring blood as Guerrero looks dejected af since his only title run is over Another bright spot on this show though, definitely one of the better strap matches I’ve seen that didn’t seem limited by the stipulation.

Video package of this Dudleys/Undertaker feud with the kidnapping of Paul Bearer and Heyman being an amazing b-movie horror villain. So Undertaker has been listening to Heyman the last few weeks bc they kidnapped Bearer and Heyman says if Undertaker doesn’t do the right thing then here’s what will happen and fills the crypt up to Heyman’s ankles. Bubba says prove he’s with them and lay down.

Handicap Concrete Crypt Match: The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von Dudley) (w/ Paul Heyman) vs The Undertaker
Undertaker lays down and Bubba talks shit so Undertaker attacks them but Heyman distracts him saying that’s not the right thing and we get a 2-on-1 brawl, bruh 04 Dudleys were ass at brawling and that’s all they were ever good at really. Undertaker easily wrecks the tag team champions for the most part, they just do shit after distractions. Heyman pulls the lever again to stop Undertaker as Bearer yells that Undertaker will save him and “Damn you Paul Heyman” The concrete keeps filling up as the Dudleys beat down Taker. Undertaker fights back and starts walking towards Heyman but the Dudleys attack him and Heyman pulls the lever anyway to kill Bearer. Bubba yells at Heyman to stop it and says they’ll take care of Taker first. The cement is almost to Bearer’s face now. They Dudleys continue the beatdown on Taker, it’s not bad or anything it’s just whatever. Undertaker makes his usual comeback of snake eyes and other signature stuff then takes out both Dudleys until D-Von catches him with a low blow the ref didn’t see but IDK if there’s DQs in this or not. Undertaker end sup sitting up as Heyman makes his way to ringside before hitting a Chokeslam on Bubba and a Tombstone on D-Von for the win.

Heyman says since Undertaker didn’t do the right thing it’s MURDER TIME! He goes to pull the lever but lightning strikes it and Heyman hilariously crawls away. Taker does his taunt in front of Bearer but then says he has no other choice and pulls the lever before telling Paul to REST IN PEACE! Undertaker kills his conscience in Bearer I guess was what they were going for but his character really doesn’t change any so FUCK YEAH MURDER TO END A PPV!

 

[Crippler]

Glad i wasnt the only that had to sit through this shitshow this year.

 

[Chris]

That middle stretch between the cruiserweight and bull rope match was one of the worst in history

 

[Crippler]

fuckin Mordecai and Kenzo bruh

 

[Chris]

Event: NOAH Departure
Date: July 10, 2004
Venue: Tokyo Dome in Tokyo, Japan
Attendance: ~58,000

GHC Heavyweight Champion: Kenta Kobashi
GHC Junior Heavyweight Champion: Jushin Thunder Liger
GHC Tag Team Champions: Mitsuharu Misawa & Yoshinari Ogawa
GHC Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Champions: Kenta & Naomichi Marufuji
GHC Openweight Hardcore Champion: Jun Akiyama

FINALLY THE NUMBER ONE GIFLESS REVIEW THREAD HAS RETURNED TO THE SITE! We get right to the action but the NOAH undercard is notoriously irrelevant so I’m not expecting much from the first few matches. But one of the first guys comes out to Rocky’s theme song so FUCK YEAH!

Haruka Eigen vs Mitsuo Momota
BRUH both these guys gotta be 50 but FUN FACT: Eigen has known Yakuza ties and Momota is the son of the legendary Rikidozan...who was murdered by the Yakuza Eigen has these nice pink trunks and Momota has an awesome old man mustache. This ain’t bad for what it is, little bit of comedy, a lot of old man wrasslin’ with weak strikes, nothing great by any means but nothing terrible either, crowd is super hot at least. They replay this chop spot in slow-mo where you see that Eigen sold it by spitting a gallon out of his mouth too early That shit went all over the fans though EWWW! Best spot is when Eigen does a giant swing and the crowd counts along but loses it by the time he gets to like 20 and then he keeps going until he hits like 30 They have this SLOW back and forth finishing sequence before Momota wins on what looked like may have been a fuck up on a roll-up but IDC bc MORE ROCKY MUSIC

Jun Izumida, Tamon Honda, & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs Kishin Kawabata, Masao Inoue, & Masashi Aoyagi
I don’t think I know any of these 6 guys so I’m not even trying to get names straight. I think the first team up top is the faces and the second are heels so I’m gonna refer to them by that mostly. The first guy to start for the heel team takes off and talks shit on a mic for a bit before the match starts, the crowd ooohs a lot so I guess he called them little bitches or something. This is just your average Japanese 6-man match with all the usual in-and-out spots, once again nothing special but not that bad either. Some of these strikes a few of these guys are throwing are trash, you can tell these are mostly random guys thrown together, I don’t even think any are regular teams. Heels have a solid isolation on one of the faces, like I’m talking really beating this dude down lmao It doesn’t get the hot tag it deserves bc Japan doesn’t believe in them and the faces take control with some weak triple team. The faces win after this one guy hits a sweet TKO that the heel sold by pulling up his pants right after the impact

KAOS (Donovan Morgan & Michael Modest) vs Kotaro Suzuki & Ricky Marvin
The white guys come out to “When the Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin I fucks with this, different styles such as Marvin’s lucha shit, Suzuki’s junior Japanese build, and KAOS using their heel tactics and power. Like it’s nothing great or anything again but the effort here by these 4 is way better than the openers. If you’ve ever watched any Can-Am Connection from the 90s in AJPW then you’ve seen much better versions of this match though because KAOS ain’t got nothing on my boys even though I gotta say they’re more impressive than I expected and they even bust out a 3D at one point It gets really fun towards the end when the action picks up but then Marvin botches two different counters on them to tag in Suzuki but he gets caught with this awesome reverse whiplash double team move but MARVIN COMES OFF THE TOP ROPE TO BREAK UP THE PIN Both white guys been in the ring for like half the match so who knows who’s legal but it’s whatever bc SUZUKI AND MARVIN HIT STEREO 619s ON BOTH OF THEM! They’re almost able to finish I think Morgan with some double team before I think Modest breaks it up and we keep going for a bit as the crowd has really gotten into this one. A couple more false finishes before KAOS do ALL DA GOAT double team moves from the SVR games and end up winning with this spin slam thing on. Other than the sloppiness that was fun, better than expected for sure, and some of the spots were so good they overshadowed the negative things. Some anime song plays instead of Led Zeppelin when they win

Akitoshi Saito & Makoto Hashi vs KAOS (Richard Slinger & Scorpio)
Scorpio still a thing in 04 bc he’s throwing glow sticks to the crowd. Saito comes out here with an arahk like this is Game of Thrones or FMW or some shit. This is what is is, only major complaint is the 17 fucking minutes it got. That causes them to pace themselves and take it slow so we don’t have any sloppiness like the last match but these guys wrestling safe isn’t exactly exciting entertainment. Saito & Hashi are able to isolate Slinger after beating him down outside of the ring which Scorpio doesn’t try and help stop at all. Doesn’t lead to anything bc no hot tags in Japan and Scorpio is back in taking control of Hashi after not too long. They keep up with the solid back and forth with sporadic tags so everyone gets solid ring time for awhile. Everyone’s pretty winded towards the end but that’s bc they’re all really going all out and once again I’m more impressed than I expected to be. They do some of the usual double teams and false finishes before Slinger is able to hit this sweet spinning slam for the win, I would have just cut maybe 3-4 minutes of the opening from that.

Scorpio and Slinger show respect as an ACDC song that I forgot the name of plays them out, it’s from the Back in Black album I’m 90% sure of though.

Akira Taue & Takuma Sano vs Daisuke Ikeda & Mohammad Yone
This feels like the first main card match even though the titles start being defended next. I fuck with it, Taue is obviously the star here, he’s a million times more over than the other guys and they try and double team him early to absolutely no avail. He comes in and just throws these poor guys around before tagging back in Sano and man this is really just an extended squash but it’s fucking fun. Ikeda and Yone do manage a nice comeback that the crowd is pretty hot for and Taue sells hilariously. They show Harley Race in the crowd After some back and forth Ikeda hits a muscle buster on Sano Sano makes a comeback and they all start hitting their bigger moves that are a lot of current WWE finishers curiously (MARKS!) Yano finally gets the win with...and I kid you not...a SUPER NORTHERN LIGHTS BRAINBUSTER FROM THE TOP ROPE RIP TO THAT FUCKERS NECK HOLY SHIT!

I guess the undercard is officially over now bc we go back to some old guy talking really slow. He’s probably some huge Japanese wrestling legend and I’m gonna go to wrestling hell but I don’t feel like looking up who it is and I don’t speak Japanese. We also get HIGHLIGHT VIDEOS! Once again I don’t speak Japanese but Giant Baba and a few other older guys. I can’t decipher the point though.

GHC Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship: KENTA & Naomichi Marufuji (c) vs Kendo Kashin & Takashi Sugiura
This KENTA/Marifuji team BRO I don’t know the history but Kashin wants no part of Marufuji but gives in and starts the match with him and they have an awesome junior exchange until he does the handshake fake out and the other two guys come in the match and just kill it with all these explosive strikes and throws. Kashin and Sugiura have some buddies at ringside that try to get involved but the champs take them out too. The pace of this is cool, it gets 22 minutes so they’re not going too fast but they’re still junior heavyweights so we get a ton of these short burst of exchanges that are super fun. Sugiura gets isolated for a bit until Kashin gets involved and Sugiura hits this gutwrench suplex on Marufuji off the apron onto the floor KENTA wasn’t going to make the 20 count so Kashin rolls him in and Sugiura is like “Bro why” c’mon NOAH has the same champions advantage right? Didn’t Kashin just save the match for your dumbass They do this weird ref bump that probably should have just been a DQ for the challengers but it’s whatever, he doesn’t stay down or anything bc this ain’t ‘Murica. Kashin and Sugiura just continue to look like dumbasses with miscues and start bitching at each other until Kashin just slaps him in the face So Kashin takes control but then SUGIURA BREAKS UP HIS OWN PARTNERS PIN OUT OF SPITE BRUH! Marufuji has this awesome comeback before we get an actually bonafide hot tag and KENTA starts hitting all this crazy shit he couldn’t dream of doing now. He goes for a hurricanrana at one point though and Suguira KILLS HIM WITH A POWERBOMB HELLO CONCUSSION! Kashin hits this ninja quick low blow on KENTA without the ref seeing so Marufuji comes back in and has another AMAZING exchange with Kashin. All hell breaks loose again, Marufuji hits a sunset flip powerbomb to the outside to Suguira, then they hit Poetry in Motion on him and a double super kick on Kashin but the challengers fight back and locks on a ankle lock/armbar on each champ They get out and have more back and forth action with multiple near broken necks from suplexes until Suguira REVERSES A SLICED BREAD ATTEMPT INTO A TOMBSTONE HOLY FUCK! He hits this crazy suplex combo before making the pin but KENTA breaks it up and kills himself taking out Kashin over the guardrail. He’s able to make it back in and they hit a SLICED BREAD/POWERBOMB COMBO HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! BUT THEN KASHIN JUST TAKES OUT THE REF TO STOP THE PIN WHERE’S THE DQ It takes two more Sliced Breads before Marufuji gets the win, they should have just ended after that last double team move but it’s whatever, that was a great match even with the random comedy halfway through that felt out of place.

GHC Junior Heavyweight Championship: Jushin Thunder Liger (c) vs Yoshinobu Kanemaru
This is a modern Japanese junior match done great so for 04 this shit was probably insane. It starts out crazy with them hitting their huge moves for two counts within like 2 minutes of the match starting before slowing down a bit with Kanemaru in control while Liger manages some nice technical counters, reminding me that he isn’t just a high flyer. They end up outside where Liger hits this SICK powerbomb on the floor BRUH! Kanemaru barely makes it in at a count of 19 so Liger hits another one and instead of pinning the ref starts counting like it’s a last man standing match or something. Liger kills him with a German when he gets up and pins this time but only gets two. He can’t finish with these moves so Liger then tries some painful submissions. Kanemaru makes an awesome comeback and hits a big running powerbomb of his own and we’re kinda back even with these great pinning combinations. Kanemaru isn’t selling the potential concussion he should have that well, but it’s not an arm or a leg so it’s fine. Liger hits this superplex at one point but then Kanemaru kicks at one and they keep up this back and forth of crazy big moves that I think only juniors get away with bc they look so much weaker tbh. Crazy fast exchange ensues however though and we’re starting to get some real false finishes thrown in after some of them. Liger goes for another superplex but Kanemaru reverses into this AWESOME DDT off the top followed by a moonsault for two Kanemaru then hits not one but TWO rolling brainbusters for the win NEW CHAMP! Another great match, just the usual Japanese wrestling nitpicks that are easily overlooked when the action is this great.

IWGP Tag Team Championship: Minoru Suzuki & Yoshihiro Takayama (c) vs Takeshi Morishima & Takeshi Rikio
Suzuki got a top 5 “towel on the head” entrance if we’re being real. This was when NJPW was hot garbage so they had a working relationship with NOAH but at least Suzuki is here. The champs do a lot of avoiding at first, typical heel stuff for people from another company. Takayama and Rikio have a great strike exchange that livens up the crowd. Suzuki comes in and keeps trying to bury the challengers until he gets caught with a sick right from Rikio and the Takeshi’s double team him. They try to finish him with some kind of Doomsday Device variation but Takayama saves him and Suzuki locks on an armbar that they work until Morishima breaks it up, good spot. They isolate Rikio and look like they’re finally taking the match seriously, but he’s still able to tag in Morishima who gets murked instantly by Takayama Suzuki comes in and works the arm for a bit but Rikio comes back in and the challengers make a comeback. Morishima finally gets tired of Suzuki’s shit and grabs him by the hair and slaps him We get some nice false finishes until Suzuki gets revenge on Morishima with some slaps and Takayama hits a bridging German for the win. Weaker than the Junior matches but still pretty solid.

GHC Tag Team Championship: Mitsuharu Misawa & Yoshinari Ogawa (c) vs Keiji Mutoh & Taiyo Kea
The crowd has a super loud “MISAWA” chant going during THE GOATs entrance God dammit fucking Ogawa and Kea start off instead of the legends They have a little exchange before tagging in the guys the people paid to see. BRUH this is like Rock/Hogan, this crowd is going fucking nuts. They action probably isn’t even going to be great I can tell now bc these bitches are popping for headlocks so they can afford to keep it simple. Misawa does eat a Shining Wizard early though, shit is surreal. Bro like for real fuck that this is a tag match I give no fucks about these other two. They slow it down and have a more traditional exchange and tag in the other guys in and out more as the crowd calms down. It’s pretty boring when Mutoh and Misawa aren’t in the ring, but they’re exchanges are still super fun. As much as I love Misawa, Mutoh is so on his game here dude is fucking phenomenal. He hits this sick side slam on Ogawa but Misawa comes in with a Shining Wizard before a pin can be made The two young guys have a fun exchange for a bit before the legends get hot tags and have another exchange with the crowd on fire that ends with Misawa hitting a suicide dive. They end up isolating Misawa until he just murders Kea with a rolling elbow All four men end up in the ring as we’re nearing the end. One exchange was really fucked up and IDK who’s fault it was bc someone just missed a cue but the crowd forgets about it when Mutoh goes nuts with Shining Wizards The first real false finish comes when Misawa is able to get his foot on the rope after a sick sleeper suplex by Kea. Kea hits a TKO better than Mero (not hard) and continues to hold his own against Misawa and THIS FUCKER KICKS OUT OF A ROLLING ELBLOW AT ONE! WHAT! THE SACRELIGION! Misawa hits his Emerald Driver for the win a couple minutes later smh can’t believe that fucker kicked out of the elbow. Also what a joke that this was for tag belts when no one gave a fuck about half of each team

We get a cool edit of past Kobashi/Akiyama matches before the main event, super excited to review this one again since it was MOTY for ‘04 and I loved it the first time.

GHC Heavyweight Championship: Kenta Kobashi (c) vs Jun Akiyama
Streamers were so cool back when they were only used for main events. Super evenly matches to start which I love, neither guy has a real power advantage since Akiyama finally bulked up some so they work a cool test of strength early before going into the strike and chopping battles we came for. Akiyama tries to work the leg a little but Kobashi just focuses all his shit on Akiyama’s neck which is nice bc it’s easier to sell and also sets up the BURNING HAMMER hopefully. These Kobashi chops are just lethal like fuck, like Akiyama tries to no-sell one but he just hits him with more until he’s down Akiyama is able to make a comeback when Kobashi dives at him with a shoulder block but he gets the knee up and destroys him IN THE FACE Akiyama continues outside the ring, which he tried to utilize earlier but Kobashi was smart and fresh enough to avoid it...doesn’t work this time psychology bruhz. Akiyama has the knee strikes Jinder thinks he does. Akiyama decides to work the neck as well after the high impact moves towards it and wears down Kobashi for a bit with a pretty deep guillotine attempt that I wish was worked a little better. Okay the second one gets worked way better and they even do the arm drop spot that Kobashi barely beats He fights back and works the neck more himself with a headlock on Akiyama that they actually work for awhile but it’s good shit until Akiyama starts fighting back and Kobashi hits a sleeper suplex to end that Kobashi goes a little overboard with the chops now but the crowd eats them up. They end up on the apron and after teasing a few spots, Kobashi just ends up hitting a straight vertical suplex to the floor Both men landed super hard on their backs holy fuck. Back in the ring, Kobashi commits murder with a half nelson suplex for two and LOL that the crowd though it could have ended there bc they’re in for a ride. Kobashi can’t put him away though and they end up back on the apron where they tease more murder attempts until AKIYAMA HITS AN EXPLODER SENDING KOBASHI OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO THE FLOOR Both guys barely make it back in before the 20 count and Akiyama attempts to finish with a super exploder from the top rope but Kobashi still kicks out He goes back to the submission strategy with another guillotine this time but Kobashi fights out so Akiyama hits ANOTHER exploder for two, bro he’s immune to them at this point try something different. Kobashi fights back and hits this sick brainbuster as a counter and then they have this awesome back and forth where they each hit like 3 different suplex variations on each other Kobashi tries to finish with his old school moonsault that he hit perfectly but it’s not enough so HE BUSTS OUT THE BURNING HAMMER FOR THE WIN TO A HUGE POP WHAT A FUCKIN MATCH!

Kobashi has a long celebration, like at least 10 minutes after and they replay some highlights of the show before it ends.

 

[Chris]

Event: NOAH Destiny
Date: July 18, 2005
Venue: Tokyo Dome in Tokyo, Japan
Attendance: ~62,000

GHC Heavyweight Champion: Takeshi Rikio
GHC Junior Heavyweight Championship: Yoshinobu Kanemaru
GHC Tag Team Champions: Minoru Suzuki & Naomichi Marufuji
GHC Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Champions: Takashi Sugiura & Yoshinobu Kanemaru
GHC Openweight Hardcore Champion: Mohammed Yone

Second and last NOAH show on this project. Once again the first few matches are pretty irrelevant, but a few people from the main card of Departure 04 have been bumped down.

Katsuhiko Nakajima, Mitsuo Momota, & Tsuyoshi Kikuchi vs Masashi Aoyagi, SUWA, & Takashi Suguira
Using streamers for the opening match already by 2005 Each team has an old guy, a young guy, and a guy in the middle, this is how I book openers on TEW tbh. This is your basic 6-man match so it’s pretty fun but nothing we haven’t seen a million times. None of the exchanges really stand out good or bad, but the crowd is super hot for anything Momota does. The heels are able to have a nice isolation segment on Nakajima using a lot of double teams and low blows. He hits this sick spinning heel kick to fight out of it though and makes the hot tag to Momota. It falls a little flat but everyone gets involved now and everyone starts hitting their bigger moves and Nakajima almost dies taking a flapjack. SUWA ends up hitting a lifting double underhook facebuster for the win on Kikuchi. Solid stuff.

Go Shiozaki & Tamon Honda vs Mohammed Yone & Takeshi Morishima
Shiozaki starts off with a cheap shot and we get a lot of dives in the opening minute to start. Morishima is still showing flashes of his ROH greatness but doesn't look too great here overall. Yone is alright in the ring but his afro is more over than him, but thankful Shiozaki sells amazingly for both of them. Honda comes in and basically buries both opponents bc his old ass shouldn’t be able to wash them like this with those weak ass strikes. Both guys get a German suplex in on Morishima for the pops, but can’t capitalize so Yone ends up back in with Shiozaki who almost wins with a moonsault, but both partners end up getting involved and after some nice suplexes by Morishima, Yone ends up hitting this sick Muscle Buster for the win.

Akira Taue, Haruka Eigen, Jun Izumida, & Takuma Sano vs Dark Agents (Akitoshi Saito, Kishin Kawabata, Masao Inoue, & Shiro Koshinaka)
This is pretty meh, just basic tag team stuff where they take turns doing a few moves, hit a double team and switch out. The Agents do all the heel stuff really well though so that’s a plus, they’re definitely a group that probably sucks alone but together are alright. The faces finally get tired of the Agents interfering and all get involved to take them out and I was hoping that would lead to the end but they just reset and keep going with their basic stuff. Taue is the only guy that’s even remotely stood out in this tbh. Agents end up winning with a B Team small package lol

Some guy that looks straight out of an anime cuts a promo before a guy that looks like a buff Ultimo Dragon comes out named Mushiking Terry. Another guy in an evil wizard robe then cuts a promo to bring out Black Mask who’s Ricky Marvin cosplaying as a Mario villain.

Black Mask vs Mushiking Terry
They start off with some insanely fast-paced lucha shit, this is actually a lot of fun. They do so much extra unnecessary shit like you’d expect in Mexico, but nothing comes off sloppy and the crowd is super into it. Black Mask ends up hitting this awesome diving neckbreaker from the top rope and starts hitting all these bigger moves that Terry keeps kicking out of. Terry comes back and they have another fun lucha exchange where Terry hits this absolutely brutal German that couldn’t be bridged properly bc Mask landed right on his head, he’s able to save the bridge and get the win.

GHC Junior Heavyweight Championship: Yoshinobu Kanemaru (c) vs KENTA
FUCK YEAH first real match. This fucking rules, they go at each other early with these fast-paced strikes and throw in some really nice technical exchanges as well. The pace slows down a good bit so the match can last it’s 20 minutes but nothing ever drags because they’re constantly changing stuff up, even if it’s on the mat. KENTA starts targeting the arm utilizing a lot of kicks and holds. They end up on the top rope and Kanemaru is able to reverse a suplex attempt into this sick diving DDT AND THEN HE DOES IT AGAIN OFF THE APRON WHEN KENTA ROLLED OUTSIDE He keeps control with some fun brawling on the outside before working over the head/neck more inside. Kanemaru doesn’t sell the arm much but it’s way less noticeable than a leg so I’ll allow it, plus his offense is really fun. KENTA ends up making a fun comeback with his sick ass kicks and then they have this really fun back and forth with a few near falls by each guy after some big moves. Some of these counters are so insane bro They tease a GTS at one point only for KENTA to reverse a brainbuster attempt for this sick Tiger suplex that BARELY doesn’t get the three count The crowd is going nuts by this point and KENTA ends up eating a couple brainbusters but Kanemaru still can’t finish so he goes up top for a Moonsault but KENTA STILL KICKS OUT! They end up on the top rope again where KENTA hits this crazy fisherman brainbuster that was almost botched terribly bc his foot slipped off BRUH! KENTA goes for the finish now with some powerbombs but it’s not enough so they trade a couple more near falls until KENTA hits two crazy running knees and KANEMARU KICKS OUT SO STRONG THE REF DOES A FLIP KENTA finally says fuck it and hits the GTS But this fucker kicks out one too many times and KENTA finishes with another running knee. Great fucking match though, I didn’t expect the ending to be that crazy with how they were building it up.

GHC Tag Team Championship: Minoru Suzuki & Naomichi Marufuji (c) vs Jun Akiyama & Makoto Hashi
Hashi has his head bandaged, but he still starts off with Marufuji and they have a pretty fun exchange but I can tell Hashi is about to be the weak link compared to the other three, but he’s not bad by any means and has a mean lariat. The champs try and isolate Akiyama early but he no-sells all of Marufuji’s strikes and murks him with a big boot LOL Marufuji actually attempts murder at one point where he hits this sunset flip powerbomb to the outside on Hashi who’s head lands past the mat onto the fucking concrete. They then take Akiyama onto the ramp and Suzuki hits a DDT on him to ruin his neck too. It doesn’t take Akiyama too long to make his way back but the champ shave isolated Hashi by this point with some solid double team. Suzuki probably has the best open-handed slaps in wrestling tbh. The tear off the bandage on Hashi’s head and he’s got a pretty deep cut on it that looks like it has stitches. They really just start toying with Hashi, they don’t even go for pins really they’re just torturing this dude. But he finally is able to get a fun hot tag to Akiyama who takes it to both champions and has this awesome slap fight with Suzuki. Hashi comes back in and continues to be a liability until he tags Akiyama back in. These Akiyama/Marufuji exchanges are crazy good, I wish we got more of it. Hashi takes out Suzuki with a reverse DDT on the apron as Akiyama takes control with an Exploder. He tags in Hashi to finish it with a diving headbutt, but Marufuji is able to kick out. Akiyama and Suzuki brawl outside as Hashi hits some big moves for near falls on Marufuji, a couple nice false finishes thrown in. Marufuji is able to reverse a super back suplex by LANDING ON HIS FEET! He hits Sliced Bread #2 but can’t cover bc he’s out of it so they end up on the top turnbuckle again but Akiyama catches him with a super back suplex and Hashi hits a diving headbutt but Suzuki breaks it up All four start brawling in the ring and MARUFUJI ALMOST BREAKS HIS NECK BUT HE BARELY HITS THE SLICED BREAD ON AKIYAMA USING SUZUKI INSTEAD OF THE FUCKING ROPES! Akiyama makes it back just in time to break up the pin on Hashi though, who’s now bleeding. Suzuki takes out Akiyama as Marufuji hits a super sliced bread from the top rope. Another great match but bruh that assisted sliced bread spot I can’t stop thinking about that.

GHC Heavyweight Championship: Takeshi Rikio (c) vs Hiroshi Tanahashi
New Japan still wasn’t shit in 05 but their savior Tanahashi is already decked out in young lion gear representing and he’s gonna be THE star of the next Japanese show I review I’m pretty sure. This is really good though, if Tanahashi is green at anything it’s not really his ring work but his charisma because I’ve never seen a crowd not going nuts during a Tanahashi match post 2010. Rikio ain’t all that either, no wonder the title match isn’t going on last but this is still pretty fun. They go back and forth a lot at the beginning with no one really taking control. The pace isn’t too fast, but it’s hard hitting. They progress to locking in painful holds on each other now with still no one taking an extended advantage, good shit for the most part though. Rikio’s big ass hits a diving crossbody at one point to a nice pop and this starts the high impact move floodgates opening. Tanahashi has this fire comeback but he overshoots a suicide dive and almost breaks his neck on the rail once and then a second time on the table behind it so WHAT DOES THIS FUCKER DO IF NOT PULL A BRIE BELLA AND DO ANOTHER DIVE AFTER FUCKING UP THE FIRST ONE AND HE OVERSHOOTS IT AGAIN BRUH! Back in the ring Tanahashi’s offense is his usual stuff he does today, just a bit more basic. Rikio starts fighting back but Tanahashi has this awesome desperation that keeps him in control. He goes for a second sling blade though and gets murdered by a lariat as punishment. Rikio just starts slapping the shit out of him and tries to finish with a powerbomb, another lariat before finally hitting his big uranage like finisher for the win. That was really solid, if Tanahashi would have had the charisma he gets in a few years it would have been way better though, crowd was kinda dead during parts.

Genichiro Tenryu vs Yoshinari Ogawa
This is just a showcase match for Tenryu who doesn’t look as old as I expected but like dude’s still old. This is what it is, nothing special obviously but it’s not bad either. Ogawa does a great job playing the cocky young guy and he sells for all Tenryu’s shit like he should. Ogawa starts woking over the leg for a bit, even doing the ring post figure-4 spot. Tenryu makes his comeback and they go back and forth with a decent exchange. Ogawa gets pissed and tries to use a table but Tenryu slams him into it instead and they go back to the ring to have more of the same exchange as before. Ogawa starts being super disrespectful which gets a crowd reaction and then Tenryu fights back before hitting a WOAT lariat for the win that got 0 reaction lol.

We get a video package showcasing Kensuke Sasaki and Kenta Kobashi’s careers so far. If you’re an avid reader of my reviews you’ll recognize Sasaki as one of the refs of that god awful Rick Rude/Masahiro Chono match from Halloween Havoc ‘92 and he had MOTY in ‘91 teaming with Hiroshi Hase against the Steiners.

Kensuke Sasaki vs Kenta Kobashi
Holy FUCK Sasaki has bulked up. Prime Kobashi really was something else man, this crowd is going so nuts for him. They start off with the hard hitting suplexes and strikes right off the bat, this match is gonna be painful. This is really cool, they do a test of strength and match up pretty evenly from a power stand point but Kobashi ends up taking control with his striking and mainly targets the head/neck with all his chops. This motherfucker pulls out all the stops and even hits a dive over the top rope lol but Sasaki is able to fight back and hits a SUPER FRANKENSTEINER Sasaki has pretty much the same offense as Kobashi, hard hitting strikes to the head/neck but it’s pretty fun to watch the one-upsmanship. They have this AMAZING chop battle that the crowd goes nuts for and goes on for like 5 fuckin’ minutes ngl this shit is awesome These dude’s chests are gonna be red for the next few weeks. Kobashi finally fights DIRTY and spits on his hand to nail a chop that takes them both down They don’t slow down though bc within a couple more minutes Kobashi has hit a top rope brainbuster and this sick half nelson suplex but he can’t finish Sasaki bc I’m assuming his neck is so thick that it can take a lot of pain. They end up outside where Sasaki hits this sick brainbuster on the outside FUCK! They do this awesome tease where Kobashi falls out at a count of 16 and barely gets in before 20 from that and then Sasaki gets a few really close near falls. Kobashi tries to fight back but Sasaki is able to keep control until he gets caught with chops again and they start going nuts with their big moves until both guys go down after dual lariats Kobashi is able to hit this sick sleeper suplex and lariat for two so he tries to finish with a moonsault but that also only gets a two so he hits a few more super hard spinning back hands to the leg followed by this SICK lariat for the win Bruh that was one of the hardest hitting matches I’ve ever seen.

After the match, both guys show respect to each other as Kobashi celebrate before Sasaki gets a mic and just says “Kobashi Kenta...arigato!” Well that’s not all he said but that’s what I understood.

Mitsuharu Misawa vs Toshiaki Kawada
Judging by the video package that played before I think this is a big deal bc Kawada finally left AJPW so this is his first match with Misawa in awhile. This is a lot like the last match, hard hitting and all but just a lot slower like they’re pacing themselves for longer even though this one only goes like 4 minutes more. Kawada takes control early working Misawa’s upper back mostly with some submissions. Misawa fights back and his offense is real fun, he doesn’t really target a body part or anything either other than the neck which is nice bc you don’t have to worry about selling anything much, this doesn’t last long though bc Kawada murders him with knees to send him outside. He exposes the concrete under the mat but Misawa counters into a fucking TIGER DRIVER onto it This slows down a lot now in the ring with Misawa keeping control using mostly rest holds but every now and then they’ll have an exchange that’s super fun and these strikes are connecting so fucking solid by both guys. They end up on the apron and after teasing some deadly spots, Misawa comes off with a knee but gets caught with an elbow and they brawl out in the crowd and on the ramp for a bit as the ref doesn’t even count and Kawada hits a powerbomb on it, that shit had no give whatsoever. Kawada doesn’t want to win by countout I guess since this is a respect match bc he goes and gets Misawa back in to try and win by pin. Misawa is able to fight back however and starts blasting him with these sick ass elbows and they basically just go back and forth trying to finish but neither guy will stay down. Kawada seems to be winning like if it was a point system or something but Misawa is getting his in too for sure. Kawada can’t win so he tries to COMMIT REAL MURDER BY HITTING THE MOST UNPROTECTED OF PILEDRIVERS YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO BRO HOW DID THAT NOT BREAK MISAWA’S NECK! Misawa kinda fucks up his comeback bc his tights come down a little and he’s worried about his ass being out smh Flair would never. He starts hitting Roaring Elbows so you know the end is coming soon but first Kawada kicks out of Emerald Frosion, then a couple Tiger Drivers including one that was basically a brainbuster. They have this awesome strike battle before Misawa hits a couple more Roaring Elbows for the win. Really good but it wasn’t the epic classic I think they were going for and definitely last too long at 27 minutes, but I can’t complain too much, if it wasn’t the main event I would have had nothing but good things to say. Anyway, after the match they both show respect and stuff before I hope they leave to go get checked for concussions.

 

[Chris]

Event: The Great American Bash
Date: July 25, 2005
Venue: HSBC Arena in Buffalo, New York
Attendance: ~8,000
Commentators: Michael Cole & Tazz

World Heavyweight Champion: Batista
WWE United States Champion: Orlando Jordan
WWE Tag Team Champions: MNM (Joey Mercury & Johnny Nitro)
WWE Cruiserweight Champion: Paul London

The 2 second replay of the Batista/HHH feud in the opening video might end up being the best part of this show tbh. Oh SHIT spoiler alert Eddie hasn’t told Mysterio his kid AIN’T HIS yet so that feud progresses later tonight at least.

WWE Tag Team Championship: MNM (Joey Mercury & Johnny Nitro) (c) (w/ Melina) vs The Legion of Doom (Animal & Heidenreich)
Melina’s entrance It makes me forgive them coming out first smh can’t believe this bastardized version of LOD happened. Anyways this match happens and it’s whatever. LOD sucks but MNM rule at playing cocky heels and minimize the amount of offense LOD need to do. I can’t handle Cole putting over his RAPIST MNM start working over Heidenreich’s knee, solid stuff for a few minutes. Animal gets the hot tag and channels Hawk’s ghost according to the commentators to take out MNM but he gets caught with a title belt for a pretty nice false finish. Heidenreich stops a Snapshot attempt and hits a powerslam on Mercury before Heidenreich goes up top and they hit a Doomsday Device to win.

Animal gets a mic and says this one was for Hawk. Good for him I guess.

Backstage, Josh Matthews is with emo Eddie Guerrero who announces that Rey’s “son” Dominic is going to be at ringside tonight when “Uncle” Eddie destroys Rey. And then afterwards he’s going to tell Dominic the bedtime story he promised to tell him a long, long time ago. Bro psycho Eddie promos were fucking awesome RIP in just a few months

Booker T (w/ Sharmell) vs Christian
This version of “If You Close Your Eyes” as Christian’s theme This gotta be one of the CLB’s last WWE PPV matches until like 09. Look at Cole bringing up their feud for the IC title a couple years before this. Christian stalls at the beginning until Booker catches him distracted by the crowd and keeps taking it to him when Christian tries to get away. Christian is able to use dirty tactics to swing the momentum into his favor but he doesn’t really do much, just a headlock and other rest holds to wear down Booker. Sharmell’s “shocked” face is so hilarious She tries to talk Booker back into it but Christian pulls her onto the apron like a true CLB. She slaps him and Booker is able to connect with a Book-end for two. They have a pretty fun exchange towards the end as the whole crowd is on Christian’s side at this point so they even boo the Spin-a-rooni They each counter each other’s finishers and get a couple near falls off pinning combinations before Booker goes up top with a HARLEM HEATSEEKER missile dropkick that neither guy calls smh it wasn’t that great anyway he almost broke a leg. Christian gets slammed into the ring post outside of the ring and then the steps for revenge from a couple weeks prior before hitting a Scissors Kick from the second rope Finish was cool, match was solid for an undercard between two guys that didn’t have shit to do.

Some fuck I don’t remember interviews Melina backstage who’s stressing and says that no one is going to see her in her underwear bc she’s gonna beat Torrie WIlson tonight. Crowd pops huge anytime the words “bra” or “panties” are said.

Earlier tonight on Sunday Night Heat, Benoit punked out Orlando Jordan lol

WWE United States Championship: Orlando Jordan (c) vs Chris Benoit
Champ coming out first again but like it’s Jordan so I’m fine with it. It’s kinda funny that they have a respectable match first before Benoit starts embarrassing Jordan in seconds in a few weeks. Benoit is super violent tonight and that helps bc Jordan just has to bump around and it’s entertaining. Jordan’s only defense is like a few punches lol but he is able to get a little offense in after blocking a suicide dive by Benoit and slamming him into the ring post but this is all Benoit still who catches him with suplex variations as soon as they get back in the ring. Jordan finally takes an extended advantage after some shitty strikes, but then he starts working the arm he targeted for like 2 seconds earlier so good shit. Jordan gets caught a few times with some great comeback teases, but he’s able to keep control transitioning to working on Benoit’s neck that was taped up, but then he just starts doing random holds targeting whatever bc he’s Jordan. Jordan gets caught on the top rope and Benoit hits a huge top-rope superplex before starting his regular comeback and signature moves like the rolling germans and a flying headbutt after a lot of stalling that I assumed was gonna be blocked but nah, got a super close two count from it though. They do some weird spot where Jordan’s head bounces off the turnbuckle and hits Benoit which was awkward af. Jordan then rips off the turnbuckle pad before sending Benoit into it and rolling him up for the win. Benoit probably carried Jordan to his best match ever tbh.

Benoit gets a standing ovation and they play his music after Jordan leaves LOL this match didn’t mean shit though,

Video package of the Hassan/Taker feud, which is now a #1 Contenders Match even though Taker never actually got his title match. Hassan woulda had at least 3 world title runs if they didn’t bomb London in ‘04. Surprised they showed as much of that terrorist angle as they did in the replay.

Hassan has these masked guys carry him to the ring as Cole basically says this is probably going to be his last match He says he’ll never show his face on SmackDown again if he doesn’t beat Undertaker tonight and go on to win the World Heavyweight Championship at SummerSlam...what could have been.

World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contender Match: Muhammad Hassan (w/ Daivari) vs The Undertaker
The masked guys surround the ring like lumberjacks. This sucks though, it’s just a ‘Taker showcase/Hassan burial. Brian Hebner the GOAT ref at acting scared of Taker. Anyway he gets distracted by one masked guy which allows the others to attack Undertaker so Hassan can take over but then he tries to trade hands with Taker who fucking shoot punches him. He tries to take out the masked men but one starts choking him before sending him back to Hassan. Hassan locks in the Camel Clutch but Taker fights out with an electric chair drop that Cole calls correctly. The masked men try to interfere again but Undertaker takes them all out and wins with a Chokeslam which has gotta be ultimate burial.

Taker keeps taking out the masked men which I’m not gonna lie is pretty entertaining bc it’s like beating people up on a video game. He throws Daivari THROUGH the front of the announce table Hassan tries to crawl up the ramp away but Undertaker goes after him and Chokeslams him on the ramp before removing a panel from the stage and hitting a Last Ride threw it to effectively end the man’s career. They show Hassan laying on the concrete convulsing bc he’s DYING smh RIP

Not Josh Matthews interviews Torrie Wilson who says that she’s going to give all the people fighting overseas a show tonight bc for the women she’s gonna show them girls kick ass too and for the men she’s going to strip Melina down to her underwear equality.

They’re trying to stretcher a now bloody Hassan out when the Mexicools music hits bc that’s what I get to deal with now They’ve got the Juan Deere’s revving and all the yard work tools you need. They give a rake to the Spanish announce team bWo come out on fucking tricycles BRUH I’m done with this.

The bWo (Big Stevie Cool, The Blue Meanie, & Hollywood Nova) vs The Mexicools (Juventud, Psicosis, & Super Crazy)
Nova and Juvi start off and Nova’s bandana comes off early and boy I’ll be goddamned if that ain’t Simon Dean. This only gets 5 minutes (should have been shorter) so they have to get all their shit in quick and we don’t really get any tags. Nova gets isolated for a bit until Stevie gets the hot tag if you can call it that. The ending comes when Stevie eats an almost botched springboard moonsault by Super Crazy and a diving leg drop by Psicosis. Fuck this.

Video package of this Eddie/Rey feud that has been building up for so long at this point and just now got the kid involved. Wow I forgot about Vickie making her prequel WWE appearance in this feud.

Rey prays with Dominic backstage and tells him there’s nothing to be scared of, not the worst acting from this kid but this shit still awkward af.

Eddie Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio
Guerrero forces Mysterio to shake his hand to show Dominic that they’re steal friends This is a lot of fun, doesn’t make up for the rest of this show but it’s the definite peak. Mysterio has this awesome desperation due to the stakes, but he makes sloppy mistakes because of it so Guerrero is able to take advantage of those. Guerrero’s heel selling fucking great, the crowd pops every time he gets hit. They keep cutting to Rey’s kid looking invested and that kinda blows. They do this awesome spot early on where Mysterio actually hits the 619, Guerrero just almost avoided it so he’s able to kick out and then he rolls out screaming “he almost beat me!” Guerrero grabs Dominic to use as a shield and that gives him the advantage so we can enjoy the amazing heat he generates. At one point Guerrero gets a close two count and yells “DAMMIT CHARLES” at lil Naitch I miss this man so much I swear I’m about to go fight both Cole and Tazz bc neither of them cal the Gory Special that Eddie locks on Mysterio is able to make a comeback after this awesome tornado DDT counter and hits a 619 like instantly but misses droppin’ the dime so Guerrero hits the Three Amigos then says fuck it and hits two more and a third as a Brainbuster Guerrero does this sick smile to Dominic before hitting the Frog Splash but Guerrero cocky covers Mysterio who rolls him up to win for the flash finish That finish was fine, definitely could have been better though, overall the match was easily the best of the night but that says nothing.

Guerrero is furious after the match as Mysterio’s secret is safe now...except I’m pretty sure he tells it on SmackDown this week though

Josh Matthews is back with JBL who’s DECKED out in red, white, and blue fucking MAGA amirite? He says tonight is payback for Batista interrupting some ceremony he had recently and says for the first time ever someone wearing red, white, and blue becomes champion in Buffalo bc the Bills failed four straight times He GUARANTEES that he’ll beat Batista tonight bc there is only one WRESTLING GOD!

Bra and Panties Match (w/ Special Guest Referee Candice Michelle): Melina vs Torrie Wilson
Melina is pissed that MNM lost the tag titles earlier so she doesn’t even do her entrance smh All three of these girls looking fine af though. Melina botches Torrie’s headscissors attempt early on but the crowd doesn’t care bc Torrie goes for the pants. Torrie gets Melina’s shirt off using an abdominal stretch, I fucks with it. She almost gets the pants off but Melina sends her outside. Melina then pulls Torrie’s top off as the commentary gets worse and worse. Torrie makes a comeback and does a suplex that SHE FLOATS OVER LIKE SHE’S SETH ROLLINS but Melina stops her from pulling her pants down. Torrie ends up getting hung on the rope and ko’d so Melina is able to pull her tight ass pants down...eventually. Honestly even if I was gay I’d say that was a better match than the bWo shit earlier so this is considered one of the few positives of the show along with Eddie/Rey.

After the match, Melina attacks Candice so Candice and Torrie double team her and strip her pants off too. Then Torrie gets Candice to take her clothes off as well bc THOTS gonna THOT!

Video package for this like two week Batista/JBL feud airs which shows JBL losing to The Blue Meanie JBL then gets a police escort for his limo into the building

World Heavyweight Championship: Batista (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield
This is a slow, power match-up that just kinda drags along bc they don’t do near as much dirty brawling as they should. Batista mostly has control for the beginning, as he’s able to stuff all of JBL’s offense with his power for the most part. This lasts until JBL is able to send him shoulder-first into the ring post and then we get some nice brawling on the outside with JBL slamming Batista into the announce tables and barricade. This keeps dragging along until they start working a sleeper spot to counter Batista’s comeback and they work that for awhile until Batista finally suplexes out of it. Crowd is still super hot after this terrible PPV, people in Buffalo will cheer anything. They end up outside and JBL keeps slamming Batista into the steps and they finally do the brawling I wanted for a couple minutes until Batista ends up Cactus Clotheslining them over the barricade and the ref who was making a huge deal about the count earlier just stops Back in the ring, the ref takes a bump to the outside right as Batista catches JBL with a spinebuster. The crowd goes nuts now but Orlando Jordan runs out to eat a punch but then blocks a Batista Bomb attempt by hitting Batista with a chair. JBL tries to cover but there’s no ref so Batista is able to kick at two by the time he rolls back in. JBL hits a Clothesline From Hell but Nick Patrick is back down again smh so JBL goes for another but gets caught with a Spinebuster instead. Jordan brings the chair back in before getting taken out with a sick shot from it and then JBL eats one of his own but BUM ASS NICK PATRICK JUST GOT UP SO IT’S A DQ

Batista’s ANGRY face is amazing and they just let him full force murder Jordan with the chair after the match He walks up the ramp but when Tony Chimel announces the result he comes back into the ring and hits a Batista Bomb on both guys to send the crowd home happy since they don’t give a fuck that JBL won since Batista retained. Not as bad as last year’s show at least.

 

[Deezy]

Tazz calling Eddie a friggin asshole

And Hassan would've eventually fizzled out. He had alot of heat backstage for telling Eddie to stop using the camel clutch even though his dad invented it.

Apparently that was a rib from Angle who told the nw guy to protect his finish.

 

[Chris]

Event: UFC 61: Bitter Rivals
Date: July 8, 2006
Venue: Mandalay Bay Events Center in Las Vegas, Nevada
Attendance: 11,167
Commentators: Mike Goldberg & Randy Couture

UFC Heavyweight Champion: Tim Sylvia
UFC Light Heavyweight Champion: Chuck Liddell
UFC Middleweight Champion: Rich Franklin
UFC Welterweight Champion: Matt Hughes

In loving memory of Glenn White 1937-2006

This Shamrock/Ortiz feud So this show was voted worst major show of 2006 by the observer readers and before you guys get all pissed off, December to Dismember 06 is the worst show for 07 bc of Meltzer’s year so we just get this disappointing show instead as opposed to the actual garbage I’ve reviewed for some of these. This intro is fucking awesome, it gets me hyped af.

Lightweight Bout: Joe Stevenson vs Yves Edwards
Stevenson goes for a take down early after a bit of stand-up and after a lot of fighting gets Edwards down. Edwards is able to get back up quickly and rocks Stevenson quick with a high kick and goes for some ground and pound that Stevenson is able to recover from. Edwards continues to own the stand-up but goes for a flying triangle for some reason that gives Stevenson the advantage on top up next to the cage. Edwards eats some hard elbows but is still able to get back to his feet only to get taken down by a single leg again but this time Edwards tries the triangle again and then an omoplata but Stevenson is saved by the end of the round before anything happens. Edwards has a cut on his forehead from earlier, but he comes out strong for round 2 but after about a minute and a half gets caught with another takedown. They’re basically in the same position as earlier with Stevenson raining down punches and Edwards’s cut on his forehead is bleeding like crazy now. Edwards keeps defending but they’re laying in a literal pool of blood at this point. Big John McCarthy stops it to check the cut with like 1:42 left but it’s like the top of his head and not going into his eyes or anything so they let him continue even though it looks like he got shot in the back of the head. They roll around in Edwards’s blood for the rest of the round since Stevenson can’t really finish and Edwards is avoiding enough. The doctors end up calling it bc of the cut so we don’t get a round three a shame bc this was a solid fight but that cut was crazy so it’s the right call.

Heavyweight Bout: Dan Christison vs Frank Mir
Both guys are gassed within two minutes oh shit They do this slow clinch work for a bit with some decent shots in before Mir is able to get a takedown where he hits a few good punches a one solid knee but Christison tries a lazy armbar attempt that stands both guys up and they just kinda hold each other up in a clinch and throw knees for the last minute or so of the round. Christison does land a good combination towards the end, kinda a close round since Christison did more damage but Mir had control longer. Shamrock/Ortiz HYPE between rounds. Round 2 is more slow, plodding heavyweight brawling, the announcers don’t even say shit for like a minute and a half bc nothing is happening, they’re just landing slow body shots that do look like they hurt a decent amount, and some knees that makes their guts jiggle. Mir gets a nice takedown after a leg kick attempt about halfway through the round. Mir uses his best FAT strategy of laying on Christison and Yves Lavigne won’t stand them up. He finally does with 30 seconds left as Couture makes the good point that even though Mir was on top Christison was the only active one. The round ends with them standing up gasping. They come out with more urgency for round three and it’s a little more entertaining as Christison starts bleeding from his nose and Mir hits a sweep for another takedown near the pool of blood from last fight. Mir starts raining down punches now since he knows he might lose this fight. Mir ends up in side control but he’s not really going for the finish, he’s just making sure he wins this round. Christison tries to scramble out but he exhausted at this point and can’t do much until 15 seconds left when he makes it to his feet but there’s no time left at that point. FAT Mir wins 29-28 according to all three judges.

More Shamrock/Ortiz HYPE! Ortiz just calls Shamrock old and is super cocky and Shamrock talks shit about Ortiz getting actually spanked by Randy Couture in a fight This video package easily the best part of this night, and it’s hilarious bc Couture is on commentary and he’s just like ayyy that was me

Light Heavyweight Bout: Ken Shamrock vs Tito Ortiz
No touch of the gloves Shamrock comes out swinging but Ortiz gets a huge double leg takedown early to a huge pop. Ortiz starts hitting some pretty sick elbows and fucking Herb Dean called it McCarthy let a dude almost bleed out in the first fight in the same position and they call THIS fight like this lmao Ortiz start doing the shovel burying taunt as the crowd boos like crazy

Shamrock and the entire crowd are both pissed now bc this is the whole reason they came to this fucking show the announcers defend the stoppage a little and Shamrock definitely wasn’t defending himself but he also only got like 5 seconds to try. Tito’s got a shirt that says “If you fight Tito Ortiz YOU LOSE” As of January 19, 2018, Tito Ortiz’s MMA record is 19-12-1. Oh man the heat Herb Dean has when they announce is crazy, at least the feud keeps going bc of this. Couture interviews Ortiz about the finish and Ortiz says Shamrock went limp after the first elbow so it was a good stoppage and he says if Shamrock wants to do it again then they’ll do it again he doesn’t care. The stoppage is looking better every replay but you ain’t gonna tell these fans that.

Welterweight Bout: Josh Burkman vs Josh Neer
Ugh Steve Mazashitty reffing this battle of the Joshs. So these guys are both bald white guys named Josh but thankfully Neer has a shitty tattoo on his back that just says “NEER!” so I know who’s who. Neer starts talking shit early even though neither guy has done anything but juke and throw weak punches. Burkman is able to shoot and hit a nice takedown halfway into round 1 and stays in control for a bit but he can’t get a lot done so Neer is able to hit this nice sweep to get back up but then he gets caught with this sick right that knocks him down. Neer recovers quickly and ends up on top after a Burkman armbar attempt. They get back on their feet for the last 10 seconds where Neer lands a right hand. Neer gets a takedown early on in the second round but Burkman kept swinging the whole time, solid shit. Burkman ends up back on his feet but Neer is just owning him this round. Burkman comes at him with a good exchange but Neer just taunts him more and pushes him back into the corner to knee him in the face. Neer has a cut on his eye from one of the wild punches Burkman connected with but it’s not a big deal and Burkman is looking tired now. Burkman ends up on top after Neer’s takedown attempt but the round ends with Neer attempting a triangle. Burkman gets a takedown about a minute into round 3 and lands some shots that fucks up the cut on Neer’s eye more. Neer can’t really get out but Burkman also can’t get anything done until Neer rolls through and almost gets a knee bar. Kinda boring third round but Burkman probably won it, I’d give the first two rounds to Neer and that one to Burkman. Judges score it the same way except one guy says 30-27 for some reason.

Heavyweight title fight HYPE! We get a replay of the two prior Sylvia/Arlovski fights that both had fun finishes so now it’s time for the third one.

UFC Heavyweight Championship: Tim Sylvia (c) vs Andrei Arlovski
Solid stand-up to start with but you can tell both guys are being way more conservative here so they don’t get finished early again. Arlovski hits some nice leg kicks but Sylvia rocks him about two minutes in and Arlovski somehow recovers on his feet. Sylvia backs him up to the cage in the clinch and they don’t do shit so McCarthy breaks it up pretty fast. Decent first round, not a lot happened though. They show Danny Trejo in the crowd lol. More of the same from round 2, they throw a bit more strikes this time and Arlovski has a cut on the side of his head now. Nothing really happens the rest of this round, McCarthy even yells at them to work at one point like he can do anything about stand-up game being boring Pretty boring second round. More of the same for round 3 but it picks up a bit around two minutes in or so. Arlovski is definitely in better shape but Sylvia isn’t gassed at all by any means. The crowd starts booing with like a minute left bc nothing has really happened still and that’s how the round ends. The first two fights didn’t even go 5 minutes combined and we’re in championship rounds for this one, mostly bc they’re both fighting so defensively. Arlovski’s cut is getting a little worse just from the shots every now and then that Sylvia keeps landing but McCarthy is still telling them to work while they’re standing straight up. Round 5 is more of this bullshit bc they never start doing anything and I’m getting distracted by my phone at this point bc this is so boring. Big John gotta be the most annoyed of anyone that these two aren’t knocking each other out They kinda start pushing towards the end but the whole crowd just boos when it ends. Sylvia retains and the crowd gives no fucks.

Sylvia says Arlovski must have fixed his chin bc he ate some shots this time lol bitch you landed like 3. They have him talk through this boring ass fight and he just mentions that his defensive game plan worked well. He calls out Jeff Monson as a potential challenger next. Goldberg and Couture plug a possible third fight between Ortiz and Shamrock already

 

[Deezy]

Sylvia/Arlovski 3 might be the blueprint for most of the title fights today.


Thankfully Randy Cotoure comes back and fixed everything.

 

[Chris]

Event: Glory By Honor V - Night 2
Date: September 16, 2006
Venue: Manhattan Center in New York City, New York
Attendance: ~1,200
Commentators: Dave Prazak & Jared David

ROH World Champion: Bryan Danielson
ROH World Tag Team Champions: Austin Aries & Roderick Strong

Bryan Danielson is in front of Madison Square Garden and says Bruno Sammartino will be in attendance tonight and then walks down the street to the Manhattan Center before putting over his match with KENTA tonight since that’s where it’s gonna take place LOL

Hype video plays showing KENTA/Danielson wrecking this star studded ROH roster, guys like Austin Aries, AJ Styles, Low Ki, Samoa Joe and even Christian Cage. We get a GTS montage to end it

Davey Richards is out to “Runnin’ with the Devil” and Jack Evans comes out to his idol, Eminem and does his fucking break dancing.

Davey Richards vs Jack Evans
This is your typical indy undercard where they only get like 7 minutes and they try and fit everything in. Evans is super sloppy but the crowd doesn’t care bc he’s an edgy white guy. Richards tries to make this a wrestling match but he’s still super green at this point. At one point Richards hot shots Evans over the ropes and he falls out and clips the timekeeper’s table which starts falling apart already Evans ends up hitting some kind of crazy Sasuke Special that the announcer calls a super space flying tiger driver which sounds like something Evans would name. He goes for a 630 Splash but Richards gets the knees up to make a comeback. They have a pretty fun back and forth where Evans tries to kick with Richards and they’re weak af Richards hits the Powerbomb followed by Stretch Muffler combo for the win. Solid start, the crowd had no business being that hyped for it though so it definitely did it’s job warming them up for the show.

Backstage, Nigel McGuinness talks about how life is short but there are moments where time stands still and tonight is one of those nights when he faces Naomichi Marufuji for the GHC Championship. HYPED

A lot of wrestlers and refs surround the ring and they bring out Bruno Sammartino to a huge pop. He cuts a promo about how he hasn’t been in wrestling much recently but ROH sent him some DVDs and he was impressed enough he decided to come. He says he wants ROH to succeed bc he would love for what he considers wrestling to be popular again. Loud “THANK YOU BRUNO” chants as he leaves. But WAIT as the wrestlers are leaving Samoa Joe and Takeshi Morishima start arguing so Joe jumps in the ring and they start brawling Everyone jumps into break it up pretty quick but they keep going at each other FUCK YEAH!

Now available from ROH Wrestling: Throwdown, Chi-Town Struggle, Death Before Dishonor IV, War of the Wire II, Generation Now, Jim Cornette & Bill Watts Vol. 2, Christian Cage, and Jim Cornette & JJ Dillon

Adam Pearce comes out to “Black Betty” and tells a fan to stick it up his ass so he gets the good New York heat but really they should just make fun of his robe.

Adam Pearce vs Delirious
Pearce jumps Delirious during his entrance and starts using his dirty heel tactics early but the crowd starts chanting “you fat fuck!” Delirious starts doing his comedy shit, hiding under the ring and Pearce keeps talking amazing shit to the crowd. This is a lot more fun than I thought, it’s more of a classic heel vs face matchup, feels like an old school NWA brawl. Pearce uses his strength and presses Delirious all the way outside the ring but the fans chant “you’re still fat” Delirious starts making his basic comeback and this fucker hits SIXTY STRAIGHT CORNER CLOTHESLINES that the crowd counted along for the entire time I was over it after 20 but by the time 40 hit I was loving it. Delirious goes up top but Shane Hagadorn runs down and hits him with brass knuckles so Pearce is able to hit a Jumping Piledriver for the win.

Pearce gets a mic and I can barely hear him from all the boos but he introduces Hagadorn as his new assistant or his personal manservant.

Christopher Daniels vs Colt Cabana vs Jimmy Jacobs (w/ Lacey)
HOLY SHIT HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT PUSSY WHIPPED JIMMY JACOBS Jacobs starts crying to start the match bc Lacey fucked Cabana so Cabana/Daniels start it off until Lacey is able to get Jacobs to attack Daniels. They do the spot where Daniels almost knocks Lacey off the apron so Cabana runs in late and pretends to hit heard and just grabs both her tits Daniels knocks him down so he crawls to the apron to look up her skirt now WOW! Jacobs is back in and we actually get wrestling for a bit until Cabana starts taunting Jacobs to hit him but he won’t bc Lacey says to fight Daniels. They do some surprisingly well-choreographed comedy spots but there’s too much talent in the ring (plus Cabana) for this. Cabana is dumb af for not just taking out Daniels with Jacobs while they have the chance, instead he’s taunting him the whole time, but his trolling is pretty funny. Jacobs goes and cries again in the corner as Daniels starts making a comeback on Cabana and Jacobs ends up spearing Cabana by accident. Daniels/Jacobs have a fun exchange that ends with Daniels hitting a BME that Cabana breaks up the pin for. Daniels shines against Cabana this time as Lacey yells at Jacobs outside the ring. Cabana ends up hitting an Asai Moonsault to the outside and goes for the Colt .45 back inside but Jacobs comes in and punts him in the dick He hits Contra Code (which is basically the Shiranui that Naomichi Marufuji made way more popular and he's in a match later) using Daniels’s chest to win. Waste of Daniels but it had its moments.

Jacobs is jumping up and down with excitement bc he actually won but Lacey is pissed bc he hurt her new toy (Cabana’s dick) so Jacobs tells Cabana to use his balls now and tells Lacey to come home to a winner

Jim Cornette is out with The Briscoes who are all draped out in loser flags. They replay Cornette whipping Homicide from Death Before Dishonor IV before Cornette gets a mic as the crowd chants for Homicide. Cornette says he had a problem with “Homocide” (bc he has a relationship going on with “that little midget Low Ki”), but he wasn’t going to let some street punk call him a liar. Cornette gets some heat calling New Yorkers dumb before saying the only person he has a problem with in ROH is Homicide and anyone with him. Cornette wants to see a show of hands to see who’s on his side against Homicide and we get like 6 people raising their hands, two of which being the Briscoes. Everyone else raises their hands for Homicide so Cornette has something to say for these “rude, ungrateful New York pricks” so he goes off on one of his Cornette rants about the city I forgot how good of a heel Cornette was during this era of ROH. The crowd starts chanting “shut the fuck up” but he says he promised Homicide a shot at the ROH title, so it’ll happen here in the Manhattan Center in December but only if he can win his match tonight. Cornette says Homicide better stop hanging around punks like Konnan in TNA and stop crying discrimination every time someone is against him. Cornette pulls the 2016 Trump strategy of saying he’s the new minority as a fat middle aged white guy He says Homicide can go back to whatever island that he came from bc anyone not born in the Southern USA (gestures at loser flags) can kiss his ass because “LYNYRD SKYNYRD LIVES! STARS AND BARS! THE CONFEDERACY AND THE GREAT STATE OF KENTUCKY RULES!” Goddam MAGA amirite He tells the Briscoes to kill Homicide if they get a chance but if not he better not walk out tonight.

The Briscoe Brothers (Jay & Mark Briscoe) vs Homicide & Samoa Joe (w/ Julius Smokes)
Joe/Homicide start off with stereo suicide dives and the crowd is going nuts but it slows down real quick as Mark/Homicide start in the ring. Joe and Homicide work well as a team at the beginning and isolate Jay for a bit. Julius Smokes gets involved and quotes Friday but Jay makes a comeback after a low blow on Homicide while the ref was distracted. Homicide gets isolated now with some good Briscoe brawling that only gets better with time. It doesn’t last too long so Joe doesn’t really get a hot tag but everything is flowing really well so far. Joe comes in and wrecks Mark with his stiff brawling. Jay gets involved which lets them make a comeback so it’s Joe’s turn to be isolated this time. Homicide gets the hot tag and takes out both Briscoes but Mark is able to comeback with a dive to the outside and they have this AWESOME back and forth with all four guys getting shit in Homicide/Joe hit this SICK suplex, clothesline combo on Jay where he lands on top of his head, and then there’s more awesome back and forth that I can barely keep up with. Jay and Homicide both go for finishers until Homicide is finally able to hit the Gringo Killer for the win This started off slow but that ending sequence after Homicide’s last tag was AWESOME!

Cornette comes out and talks more shit to Homicide before saying he will get his title match at Final Battle on December 23 but Homicide is “going to have to walk through hell with gasoline britches on to get to Christmas time”

It’s intermission time with none other than MOTHER FUCKING GARY MICHAEL CAPPETTA AKA THE OLD SCHOOL WCW RING ANNOUNCER I never thought I’d see this dude again during this review thread tbh. He’s backstage with Lacey and Cabana but Jacobs come in and says he finally got a big win but Lacey makes him apologize for cheating so Jacobs says “I’m sorry for kicking you in the balls” before Cabana says he needs a groin massage.

KENTA is backstage stretching in the dark. Somewhere else, Bruno Sammartino is talking with Bryan and Naomichi Marufuji, the two world champions defending tonight.

Kings of Wrestling come out to “We Are the Champions” and through the crowd, can’t believe these guys signed with WWE around the same time, Cesaro has been in the tag division for years, yet they’ve never teamed. Aries/Strong come out to “Personal Jesus”

ROH World Tag Team Championship: Austin Aries & Roderick Strong (c) vs The Kings of Wrestling (Chris Hero & Claudio Castagnoli)
BRUH Chris Hero the skinniest guy in this match smh Strong gotta be the fattest too but Aries’s ribs are taped up so IDK. Kings attack the champs from behind but the champs get the upper hand so the Kings stall before we really get started. Strong shows that he’s already great in the ring so he was probably like -10 skill on the mic. The champs take control early on Castagnoli who’s wrestling in a tie lol anyway Hero is able to get involved after Castagnoli smartly distracted the ref and then he gets the tag to work on the injured ribs of Aries. Kings use all their dirty tactics to keep Aries in the match, keeping up the pressure on his ribs and hitting some super fun double team moves. Castagnoli shows some of his power which is hilarious bc it’s nowhere near what it becomes later, like he struggles lifting Aries once. The Kings continue working over Aries for awhile with creative double team moves until finally Strong has enough and hits a sick big boot on Hero to break up a submission and this lets Aries make the hot tag that Strong never gets to do bc he always plays the heel, but it’s fun af. The Kings’ double team still proves to be too much as they basically just iso Strong now, kinda feels weird after all they did to Aries to go back to this. All four guys end up in the ring after a few minutes of that and it’s a little clusterfucky until Castagnoli ends up hitting Aries in the ribs with a briefcase and hits a double team move on Strong but Strong rolls out so they can’t pin anyone and we get another weird break in the match. Aries comes back in and has a good showing for a minute before the double team catches up with him and the Kings hit this awesome aided slam move for the win. NEW CHAMPS! That match was really good for the most part, it just didn’t need 22 minutes with how it was booked.

Kings of Wrestling have a great celebration to no music other than the crowd’s heat, and the announcers put it over by being silent in shock as Strong helps Aries out.

BJ Whitmer is sitting on his couch with a cast on his foot and calls out Jimmy Jacobs for injuring him and says “But you didn’t get the job done” multiple times.

GHC Heavyweight Championship: Naomichi Marufuji (c) (w/ Mohammed Yone, Takashi Sugiura, & Takeshi Morishima) vs Nigel McGuinness
This is the first time the GHC title has been defended outside of Japan so they make a big deal about that. Code of Honor is followed This starts out kinda slow but it’s super methodical by both guys, trying to one-up each other on the mat. McGuinness has the upper hand here so Marufuji has to try something else and ends up hitting a dragon screw through the bottom rope to start working over the leg of McGuinness. McGuinness ain’t no scrub so obviously he sells great as Marufuji targets the leg with a Figure-4. McGuinness is able to send Marufuji into the ringpost out of desperation to get some space and starts targeting Marufuji’s shoulder outside the ring. McGuinness does some great stuff on the arm and doesn’t do anything that would hurt his leg Marufuji is able to fight back and the pace picks up a bit so they kinda stop selling but they have a really fun exchange where McGuinness hits a sick lariat. Marufuji tries to make a comeback again but McGuinness snaps the top rope into his fucking eyes They end up on the apron where Marufuji is able to hit the Shiranui to the floor McGuinness gets in at a count of 17 and we go straight to the top turnbuckle where McGuinness hits another SICK FUCKING LARIAT Marufuji fucking no-sells the Tower of London and hits another Shiranui but can’t get the pin so both guys fight back to their feet to a huge pop and start trading strikes and McGuinness does the rope rebound Lariat that Ambrose used to do three times a match McGuinness then hits a Tower of London on the apron so both guys are back down on the floor. Back in the ring, they have another strike battle that Marufuji wins with some SICK FUCKING KICKS TO THE FACE McGuinness tries to do the corner handstand spot, but Marufuji just comes at him with another superkick directly to the face Marufuji hits a springboard coast to coast dropkick and then a top-rope Shiranui for the win WHAT A MATCH!

The crowd chants “that was awesome” as they shake hands after the match and head to the back.

IT’S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN These Danielson ROH entrances still hold up

ROH World Championship: Bryan Danielson (c) vs KENTA (w/ Davey Richards, Mohammed Yone, Takashi Sugiura, & Takeshi Morishima)
KENTA starts off showing disrespect first by slapping Danielson instead of a clean break so Danielson does the same and then they start this awesome technical exchange that Danielson wins so KENTA comes back at him with some of his sick kicks, targeting Danielson’s previously injured shoulder. Danielson comes back and stiffs the fuck out of KENTA too so they just take turns kicking tf out of each other basically. Danielson stays in control with his GOAT technical work, keeping KENTA grounded. KENTA ends up outside and takes control again with his kicks and sending Danielson shoulder-first into the barricade. KENTA shows off his technical skills now, working over Danielson’s shoulder and plays a great cocky heel to bait Danielson into making a mistake that almost leads to a submission victory. Danielson keeps trying to come back but KENTA STIFFS TF out of him with slaps and kicks. Danielson gets control back after a vicious cravate suplex, this man’s offense is so much fun to watch. Danielson tries to go for the surfboard submission, but loses one of KENTA’s legs so the crowd tries to start a “you fucked up chant” SO Danielson says “I fucked up?” and JUMPS FULL WEIGHT ON KENTA’S LEGS INSTEAD OF DOING THE MOVE AND SAYS “I DON’T EVER FUCK UP!” GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL TIME BY GAWD Before I can even gain my composure, Danielson is back at it with the Funk Spinning Toe Hold then a Figure-4 that he uses the ropes for his advantage damn S/O 1989. Danielson does his great cocky heel stuff now that the crowd loves so it’s not really heel stuff. KENTA starts a comeback with what else but a stiff kick and doesn’t sell any of the leg work Danielson did but Danielson is still selling his shoulder super well and that’s what KENTA targets almost exclusively. Danielson does his backflip spot and so smoothly rolls into a half crab This starts picking up like crazy once KENTA goes for the GTS for the first time but Danielson ends up hitting a huge superplex and locks in the Crossface Chickenwing but KENTA gets to the ropes to break it up and then gets the feet up on a diving headbutt attempt only for Danielson to dropkick KENTA in mid-air after a springboard. A crazy strike/suplex exchange follows this and both guys end up down. Outside the ring, Danielson hits this crazy belly-to-belly throw and then a baseball slide to send KENTA over the guardrail and into the crowd so Danielson springboards onto him Danielson keeps at it in the ring and even does a ONE-ARMED KIP-UP TO SELL THE SHOULDER I LOVE THIS MAN KENTA dodges a rolling elbow into a Fujiwara armbar, but Danielson gets to the ropes and goes to dive off the top but gets caught into a Cutter back into another Fujiwara Danielson comes back with a Regal-plex for two then goes up top and hits a super back suplex, then locks on Cattle Mutilation, but KENTA gets a foot on the ropes. Danielson goes up top but KENTA fucking BARELY catches him on his shoulders and HITS THE GTS BUT DANIELSON GETS HIS FOOT ON THE BOTTOM ROPE TO BECOME THE FIRST MAN TO SURVIVE A GTS Danielson reverses a knee strike into the most perfect victory roll ever for two before they continue the exchange where KENTA goes for another GTS but Danielson rolls through and just starts KILLING KENTA WITH ELBOWS TO THE FACE BUT KENTA FIGHTS BACK UP so Danielson goes for Cattle Mutilation but almost loses when KENTA reverses to a pin attempt but he never let go of the arms so he hits a tiger suplex for two but STILL has the arms so he locks in Cattle Mutilation once more and KENTA finally has to tap. HOLY FUCK THAT MATCH WAS INSANE

“We are watching a legend in the making in the form of ROH World Champion Bryan Danielson”

 

[Crippler]

That Bryan/KENTA match is still a top 5 all time for me.

 

[Chris]

Newsletter readers must have been on all the drugs giving MOTY to that 6-man instead

 

[Deezy]

 

[Chris]

Event: December to Dismember - You better watch out…
Date: December 3, 2006
Venue: James Brown Arena in Augusta, Georgia
Attendance: ~4,800
Commentators: Joey Styles & Tazz

ECW World Champion: Big Show

Oh joy the WWECW experiment. I will say I thought the concept of each guy getting a weapon in the pod was cool for the Elimination Chamber and should still be an option on video games. Joey Styles fucks up and says a new champion will be crowned tonight...only it’s not vacant lol Tazz was laughing at him as they cut to him so this is going swimmingly.

Good on Vince to loan this show MNM and the Hardys so it’s not a one match card and we at least get to see Melina’s entrance. We get a replay of MNM attacking the Hardys last Tuesday on ECW as the only build up of this feud besides the Nitro/Jeff stuff before the partners got involved. I remember it being so cool seeing the Hardys teaming again in 06 after all the shit they’d been through at the time, then 10 years later I’m saying the same thing at WrestleMania when they returned.

The Hardy Boyz (Jeff & Matt Hardy) vs MNM (Joey Mercury & Johnny Nitro) (w/ Melina)
Two of the four white men in this match have dreads lol They start off with a pace too slow for my liking with these two teams, but they’re probably trying to fill up as much time as possible. The Hardys are on fire to start off and Nitro is really coming into his own so this is mostly a lot of fun. MNM is able to take control on Matt after interference from Melina and they do their usual double team stuff as Melina screams loud af. MNM taunt the Hardys even more by hitting Poetry in Motion on Matt and then going for the Twist of Fate/Swanton combo but Matt is able to reverse his own finisher easily and get the hot tag to Jeff. It breaks down with all four guys in and we get dives by everyone as Tazz says you’ll only see this in ECW...ya know the two teams that aren’t actually in ECW. The Hardys go for the Twist/Swanton combo now but Nitro moves Mercury out of the way. Jeff gets double teamed for a bit now as MNM slow the pace back down. After some fun double team, Jeff tries to make the tag but Mercury takes out Matt, and this is starting to go a little long bc they’ve just been wearing down Jeff but he’s able to hit this AWESOME Whisper in the Wind as a counter to a double catapult Matt gets the hot tag that the crowd popped for maybe 2 seconds but this is a lot of fun. All four guys get involved in an awkward corner spot and keep up this pace after as the Hardys hit stereo superplexes to both guys but Melina distracts the ref so Jeff goes up to her and catches a slap but then dodges a dropkick by Nitro so he takes out Melina. Jeff gets a hilarious nearfall off this but then Mercury comes in and MNM are able to hit the Snapshot but Matt barely makes it in time to save the match. They then go for a super snapshot on Jeff, but Matt breaks it up and hits double cutters on both guys off the middle rope Jeff hits a Swanton on both guys and pins Nitro for the win. That was a lot of fun to start off this show, too bad it ends up easily being the best match of the night.

WWE.com exclusive with RVD where he says he understands the dangers of the Elimination Chamber but he’s doing it bc the risk is worth the prize of the ECW title bc when you think ECW World Champion, you think Rob Van Dam.

Matt Striker is out next wearing an amazing sweater vest still living up his former teacher gimmick like a year after he was fired or whatever happened smh this dude just needs to start announcing already, it’s his true calling. Striker talks shit about Balls Mahoney who at least isn’t main eventing this show. He says that his match tonight will be under EXTREME RULES….AKA an Extreme Rule Enforcement Match. So Striker tells the ref to strictly enforce these rules:

No eye gouging
No pulling hair
No maneuvers off the top rope
No foul language (BALLS!)

Striker’s Rules: Balls Mahoney vs Matt Striker
Striker has his face on his trunks and Styles says “you gotta wonder about a man that wants to sit on his own face” Mahoney tries to show off his technical wrestling skills which are next to nothing but Striker sells his confusion that he’s being outwrestled by a man named Balls. Mahoney ends up flying into the ring post so Striker starts working the arm by breaking his own hair pulling rule. This arm work ain’t bad at all but it doesn’t go anywhere and Balls starts to make a comeback but goes up top so Striker hits the ropes to make him fall and they act like that would have been illegal but it never is plus there’s also not supposed to be any top rope moves. He tries to make Mahoney tap with a Fujiwara armbar but Mahoney makes another basic comeback as Tazz keeps making horrible jokes about Striker’s ass. Mahoney hits a Spinebuster slam to thankfully end this.

Backstage, CM Punk is getting ready...but somewhere else Sabu is laid out unconscious. Paul Heyman comes around and asks what happened as they load him onto a stretcher and the crowd chants “BULLSHIT!”

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay are out for the next match. Burke says for the first time ever, THE ELIJAH EXPERIENCE along with the three time all-american MMA fighting machine, Sylvester Terkay and like a wild animal in heat they will leave their MARK!

Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay vs The F.B.I. (Little Guido & Tony Mamaluke) (w/ Trinity)
Trinity comes out looking FINE AS FUCK showing so much skin so she’s gonna be all Tazz talks about like he did with Melina I’m assuming. Guido and Burke have a much more fun exchange than I expected to start and Guido steals his hat The crowd tries to start a “Where’s my pizza” chant as this Terkay fuck comes in with his shitty MMA offense on Mamaluke. Terkay uses his strength to manhandle both the cruiserweights. They end up double teaming Guido and Mamaluke has to get involved to save the match. Guido makes a comeback as the crowd chants “change the channel” as Mamaluke gets the hot tag and both Italians take out Terkay but can’t finish on Burke before Terkay is able to land a shot on Mamaluke from the apron and Burke hits the Elijah Experience for the win. That was just a basic TV tag team match, would have been fine on a Tuesday but had no business on a PPV.

Terkay hits an unaided Muscle Buster on Guido after the match so some dude tries to start a TNA chant.

Backstage, RVD and CM Punk is with Sabu as he’s loaded on an ambulance and someone says something about a broken neck.

Daivari comes out with The Great Khali and cuts a promo in Farsi, hilarious that Khali is just a manager here and Daivari is wrestling.

Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) vs Tommy Dreamer
This is so weird, Daivari just stalls behind Khali and takes advantage early after a “distraction” (Khali just stood there doing nothing while Dreamer stared at him). Dreamer tries to make a comeback but Khali pulls down the ropes to send him out of the ring but WAIT the ref saw it so KHALI IS EJECTED! They replay the spot and it was so obvious Dreamer jumped out of the ring on his own LOL Dreamer does his cool underdog comeback but like it’s against Daivari so there’s no heat whatsoever. He does his Tree of Woe spot which is like the only thing that feels remotely like ECW on this show besides Joey Styles’s voice. And then no like two seconds later, Daivairi reverses a DDT into a roll-up to fucking win lmaolmao fucking terrible booking.

Dreamer chases Daivari up the ramp, but Khali comes back out with Dreamer in a Chokebomb and slams him HARD AF onto the stage. They tease SERIOUS injury like paralysis as Dreamer says he can’t feel his feet and Tazz stops making shitty jokes for a couple minutes. But Dreamer is HARDCORE so he gets to his feet on his own, but falls and crawls out instead.

Paul Heyman is backstage panicking until he finds Hardcore Holly and reveals that he’s replacing Sabu with Hardcore Holly, cool Bob gets some more relevance between the Brock feud and teaming with Cody Rhodes.

Kelly Kelly and Mike Knox are out next, Kelly gets a mic and tries to hide that she has it from Knox…..a fucking microphone that makes your voice loud enough for everyone to hear...she tries to hide. She wishes CM Punk luck in the Elimination Chamber match tonight and Knox is pissed Kevin Thorn and Ariel are out next and Tazz freaks out bc Thorn bit her neck, but like it wasn’t even in a vampire way that shit was tame af, wouldn’t have even left a mark.

Mixed Tag Match: Ariel & Kevin Thorn vs Kelly Kelly & Mike Knox
Absolute worst wrestling of the night but ASS! Thorn/Knox absolutely blows, they’re both heels and Knox is only slightly over as one bc he stops Kelly from striping, no one gives a fuck about Thorn. And while I’m the subject, I’d just like to point out that this fucker only had like 6 WWE PPV matches and I ended up watching 2 of them (he was Mordecai, remember?), so FUCK HIM! Ariel keeps leaning over the ropes so I’m not even paying attention to what’s happening in-ring. Knox has control but Ariel is able to make a tag so Kelly has to come in, fun fact this is her first match according to commentators. Ariel does shitty offense of hair pulls and chokes that Kelly sells hilariously until she finally craws over the Knox and HAS TEARS IN HER EYES BUT HE PULLS HIS HAND AWAY AND LEAVES HER The crowd starts a “CM Punk” before Ariel hits like a Chokeslam STO for the win.

Ariel keeps attacking Kelly afterwards with shitty punches until The Sandman’s music hits so he can make his obligated ECW appearance, coming out from the crowd with a Budweiser and his cane. He takes out Thorn and chases him up the ramp

Backstage Lashley is interviewed by some monotoned girl and we get a replay of him being attacked by Big Show, Test, and Heyman’s security guys. Lashley says it doesn’t matter what Heyman throws at him bc nothing can stop him from winning the ECW title tonight.

Big Show is walking towards the ring with Heyman, Test, Holly and the security close behind and the video package that opened the show airs again, about the Chamber.

Heyman is out first with his security guys, he hypes up the Extreme Chamber and pats himself on the back for creating ECW. “Hulkamania dies when Hulk Hogan dies, the Woos will die with Ric Flair, but long after my death, ECW will live on.” He acknowledges that Sabu is now out and the crowd starts trying to chant “bullshit” and says that the days of Sabu, Sandman and RVD have come to an end and like it or not, this is the age of GLOBAL ECW lead by Big Show (A fan yells out “who’s gonna retire next year” ) The Chamber lowers and man this thing looks so much more painful than the current one. The champ is out first which makes sense bc he’s getting in a pod so he gets to pick his weapon first and he picks the barbed wire baseball bat. CM Punk is out next and he’s super over, like the crowd hasn’t cared about anything other than the opening tag match and the mixed tag asses until now, he’s basic af and picks the steel chair as his weapon. Test picks a crowbar as his weapon, so the last guy going into a pod is Lashley and he’s got a table. The crowd is still chanting for Punk as Holly makes his entrance as Test and Show clap for him bc the FIX IS IN!

Extreme Elimination Chamber Match for the ECW World Championship: Big Show (c) vs Bobby Lashley vs CM Punk vs Hardcore Holly vs Rob Van Dam vs Test
RVD and Holly start and it’s boring af but RVD is bumping around at least. Holly takes control using the Chamber but RVD comes back and hits Rolling Thunder over the top rope onto Holly on the outside, good shit. They start going back and forth a bit before the first pod opens and it’s Punk who gets a fucking huge pop, he’s way more over than RVD or Lashley for sure. Punk comes out on fire at first with his chair until he goes for I guess a Van Daminator on RVD but RVD just fucking LAUNCHES the chair right at Punk’s face and murders him Punk/RVD has one exchange that isn’t sloppy and it’s fun, RVD ends up busted open after Punk sends him face first into a wedged chair. Holly remembers he’s in the match and starts picking off the two faces. I think the video game animation for people waiting to be released in the pods was taken right from Lashley in this match. Holly isn’t able to eliminate Punk before Test comes in and wrecks Punk and RVD with the crowbar. RVD makes a comeback with the chair and takes out all three guys before ELIMINATING PUNK WITH A FROG SPLASH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THE MOST OVER GUY IN THE MATCH IS OUT FIRST CM Punk has been eliminated. Test measures RVD but hits the running big boot on Holly instead, and the ref fucks up and doesn’t count three even though Holly didn’t move LOL Hardcore Holly has been eliminated. More bad decisions as RVD tries to go up to a pod for a Frog Splash, but picks Big Show’s pod so Show just grabs his leg through the ceiling and pulls him down Test sends RVD flying off the pod before going up top himself and hitting a HUGE fucking elbow drop and for some reason RVD had put the chair on his face after he fell so RVD is eliminated now BRUH this booking Rob Van Dam has been eliminated. So Test is in the ring all by himself now as the crowd chants “bullshit” and they replay that elbow drop which was pretty sick, RVD took a fuckin’ beating tonight. Lashley is supposed to be out next but the Bashams...I mean masked security guards take out the refs and keep it locked as Test taunts him in front of the glass. Lashley takes his table and rams it into the top mesh to make an opening to climb out of and then starts destroying Test, slamming him through the pod. Lashley got busted open somehow after like 3 offensive moves from Test and they have a fun little weapons brawl for a minute until Lashley hits a Spear to eliminate Test. Test has been eliminated. Big Show has a minute until he comes out and Heyman is trying to talk him down like he can somehow get out of the match at this point bc he’s scared Lashley is about to win Lashley starts throwing all the weapons at Show’s pod, including breaking the table for no reason. Show finally comes out with his bat as the crowd starts a “TNA” chant They have a little weapon war before Show gets the bat stuck in the chamber so Lashley busts him open on the cage and then throws Show through a pod. Show fights back in the ring but Lashley reverses a Chokeslam attempt into a DDT, then they have a little back and forth until Lashley hits a Spear to win. Big Show has been eliminated. BRUH this was booked so fucking terribly but proof that the Elimination Chamber gimmick really can carry all bc this was still kinda fun, might just be that I’m comparing it to the trash before though.