UWF 2014 Royal Rumble Trashtalking

[EffectsofRaven]

Damien Sandow has finally finished his final tirade, leading to a John Cena response.

John Cena: That was enthralling Damien, it was so enlightening! I can’t thank you enough about how much my opinion on everything and this match has changed just because you, man. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart about all the needless garbage I have learnt just then thanks to you!

John Cena has an ear to ear grin on his face.

But one thing that caught my ear was your remark about me getting eliminated about Eddie Guerrero; sure, he threw me over the top rope, but let’s not forgot; you were also thrown over the top rope too, it doesn’t matter whether you first eliminated or the final guy eliminated; you were eliminated nevertheless! Which makes us equals in that single standing but the rest time Damien, you ain’t fit to lace my boots and you ain’t fit or in a position to speak to the fans, The Cenation the way you do; and I am confident they’ll be cheering me ‘cause I'm fighting for them regardless of any of y’all say; I’m doing this for them more than I am doing this for me.

So if ya think John Cena is just gonna upsticks and leave as soon as the going gets tough; you got another thing coming, ‘cause I will fight each and every single night in the middle of this ring giving it my all just to earn the respect of the fans back ‘cause nothing drives me more than hearin’ the fans get behind me and having the Cenation in full force and kicking some ass!

Wanna’ know something funny though, Damien, I take Shark Boy way more seriously than you!

John Cena pauses for a moment and rubs his ear.

Speaking of Sharkie, where the deep blue sea is that guy? I need a good ole’ chuckle after the serious business of Damien Sandow and co rambling on and on about their ‘greatness’ I mean c’mon folks; who can’t love a guy whose about five foot tall thinkin’ and talkin’ like he Stone Cold Steve Austin and is dressed in a shark suit; what’s not to love about that folks? I could give that guy all the time in the world just to listen to fishy one liners, I got more love for that guy then someone like Devon, speaking of which…

John Cena stops again and looks around to see if he can find Devon but to no avail, however that doesn’t stop John Cena mocking him.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, Reverend Devon has finally arrived, oh wait, he’s already gone.

Cena gets a cheap pop from the fans as he goes off on Devon.

But eh, I find that fitting ‘cause you see folks at home; that’s going to summaries Devon participation in this Royal Rumble match ‘cause he’s gonna’ hit the ring and he’s going right back out again! I hate to tell ya that Reverend but that’s what gonna happen ‘cause there ain’t gonna be any Bubba save yo’s ass this time; this is gonna’ be straight up asswhoopin’ and it’s gonna’ be so bad you’re gonna’ wanna' eliminate yourself.

John Cena gets another pop from the fans for his comments on Reverend as he turns his attention else.

Now Daniel, I ain’t expecting yo to eliminate yourself in this match ‘cause that just ain’t your style but hell, if ya think you can be as self-righteous as Borden and Reverend Devon and get away with it; not a chance in hell son, ‘cause while you’re like a jumpin’ bean, a jack in the box, one thing you ain’t is the be all and end all of UWF.

Hell, you might be right ‘bout me not being the man of the company ‘cause the way I see, there’s four or five of us who are the men of the company and this ain’t about kissing Stephanie’s sweet ass; this ain’t ‘bout The Corporation, this ‘bout making yer mark in UWF on the road to Wrestlemania; this is the time to be notice, the time to stand up and make people take note; allegiances are gonna’ be changed, lines will be crossed and the question is Daniel; which line you gonna’ cross? Whose back you gonna’ get up? You gonna’ prove your more than just bark, bark, bark? ‘Cause I’m gonna be prove this is more than I'm just talk, you talked about The Real John Cena; that you’ve seen him, well I got news for you; you ain’t see nuthin’ yet.

Daniel Bryan pouts at John Cena who chuckles at Daniel Bryan, which leads to a few murmurs and boos against John Cena but he blows them and sticks to the task at hand.

Same goes for you Dean, you wanna talk ‘bout me costing ya your World Heavyweight Championship; yeah, it’s true I did but that was then and this is now and if you wanna repay the debt; that’s cool but I ain’t just gonna’ roll over and let ya do that too me and I ain’t cause I need this shot at World title gold at Wrestlemania, it’s ‘cause I’m a changed man lookin’ to make my mark at The Royal Rumble and if that means I’ve gotta go toe to toe with Dean Ambrose and beat ‘em then that’s what I’m gonna’ do; so keep your grudge ‘cause I ain’t forgotten our past and I’m expecting nuthin’ but the best for you and hopefully you’ll find some solace in this Dean that if you beat me; then you’ll have finally beaten John Cena at his absolute best.

‘Cause how many can say that they’ve beaten me at their best?

John Cena looks at AJ Styles, the fans are giving that mixed reaction as he fires off at AJ Styles.

Hi AJ Styles, John Cena, former two time World Heavyweight Champion, former and longest reigning European Champion; good to meet ya!

Now I hear ya say you’re gonna’ throw me over the top rope and more power to ya if you can but that ain’t likely; now that ain’t ‘cause ain’t got the skills but ‘cause you ain’t got the strength; just like Daniel over there; you’re another jumpin’ bean, got wayyy too much energy to burn, son; I get it, your buzzing, feelin’ on top of the world, feelin’ like you can beat anyone and you ain’t that far off the mark but in this match, in this game, you gotta’ be smart; you gotta’ bring your game, so take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself AJ; have I got what it takes to go toe to toe with the greats?

If your answer is no, then don’t bother comin’ Sunday ‘cause you’ll get sorely disappointed but if ya say yes, then bring your AJ and let’s see who the better man in this ring is.

There ain’t a single damn person in this match who is untouchable, unstoppable, it’s all about whose got the total package and there ain’t a single person in this match who has that; Daniel Bryan doesn’t, Dean Ambrose doesn’t, Damien Sandow doesn’t, hell, even I don’t have the top total package but what I do have is I’m willin’ to put everything on the line to make a statement; to prove I’m a changed man and I ain’t gonna be doin’ by bitchin’ and yabberin’ like Steve Borden and I’m gonna’ take all credit ‘ere folks, ‘cause you’re lookin’ at the man who got Steve Borden to shut up!

John Cena looks at Steve Borden and smiles.

What’s the matter Steve? You haven’t said word in a looong ass time, which tells me one thing; you can’t hack it. Four times you have spoken up, and four times you have shot people down, which I’m cool with, I have no objection with that but what I do object to is you not being able to take it back; word of advice Steve, don’t give what you can’t handle in return.

You want to shoot me down? You wanna shoot Daniel Bryan down? You wanna shoot Damien Sandow down? That’s cool, but don’t become a crying little jackass in a corner when we dish it out twice as hard back; you ain’t untouchable Steve, you ain’t anything Steve but another guy on the roster; what just cause you’re a veteran in the back means you’re better than anyone else, hell no!

So if you ain’t enjoying it anymore, you ain’t getting your way anymore, don’t whine and complain to the people, don’t cry to the big cheese, you can do one of two things; you either put up and shut up or you take your bag, you take Matt Bloom and you walk straight out of that door in the back and don’t let it hit ya on the ass on the way through ‘cause I’ve had it up to hear with your pathetic attitude.

So to clear it up for ya, either you act like a man and get on with it, or you leave ‘cause, you ain’t just made an enemy out of me, or these fans; you have made a common enemy with everyone in this Rumble with that Holier Than Thou attitude of yours; so Steve, do you get it now? And just in case ya don’t, it ain’t always about Steve Borden, it has never been about Steve Borden; on Smackdown, you didn’t cut the mustard, ya never did Steve; I’m even willing to admit my known adversaries like Damien Sandow, Dean Ambrose and Daniel Bryan were and still are a cut above ya and now, I’m done.

‘Cause I’m rising above the hate off of you, Steve and gonna let my actions speaker a hellva lot louder than your words, so go ahead Steve; have your final say without the fear of repercussion, like you got the last laugh but the funny thing is I’ll be laughing when I throw your ass over the top rope and y'all just go cryin' all the way to back and up to big Vinnie Mac, "John Cena was mean to me! Why isn't this about me," sad face.

Cena pulls a proper sad glum face mocking Steve Borden before finishing up.

And you wanna know how he'll respond, Steve? He'll just laugh yo's face and tell you what I just told and that is put up & shut up or leave; so Steve if you're tired of me mocking you and this one is to each and every one of ya in the ring, so Steve doesn't feel isolated.

If you want some, then you better come get some.

Cena walks up to Steve Borden and taunts him face to face with the “U CAN’T C ME!” taunt before dropping the microphone and hoping out of the ring and walks up the entrance ramp with a resounding applause from the fans for him telling Borden where to stick it.​

 

[Nate]

Bubba Ray Dudley is looking around the ring with an annoyed look on his face, then turns towards the camera and raises up his mic.

Bubba Ray Dudley: Ya see this folks?? Dis is the kinda crap that I have ta deal on a daily basis. It's no wonder why anyone takes us seriously anymore because we're surrounded by a bunch of jackasses! I mean look 'round meh, asswipes standin' everywhere and it's friggin hilarious! We have a slut that can't keep her trap and legs shut, we have an indy nobody that blabber's on about ass kickin', we have a fake biker that's spoken once and standin' there like a blueberry, we have an asshole standin' at da entrance with some ring rat, we have a college dropout with a former genius who career is to help out da useless, we have two guys who've been hit with too many tables n' chairs to even know where dey at, we have a guy who worships some bearded woman named Abigal, we have some boring fat fuck with an old fuck, and to top it off we have two rich assholes who won't even come down to da ring 'cuz they need surgury for der faces or some shit. It's reydiculous! I mean what da hell kinda competition is this!? If it ain't for D'Von's masta' plan for the Rumble I'd enter dat shit mahself, but instead I'm stuck here with this kinda crap!

The fans give a mixed reaction to Bubba Ray as Bubba looks around the ring then looks at the camera again.

Bubba Ray Dudley: I mean let's take a look at da facts here. The only reason why I'm here is 'cuz I'm not allowed in da Rumble is because Randy Orton doesn't want meh and Reverend D'Von ta be in da same match. And of course D'Von insists that we have him enter da Rumble so I allowed dat ta happen. It's fine bah my me though 'cuz there be four cases sittin' at da top, and I plan on grabbin' one of dem for mahself. Hell like I said I'd even open up da other brefcases to make sure that I have the World title contract, course I'd leave the others for the savages to kill demselves over dem. I can see Gargano there bein' happy with da 3rd tier belt goin' after dat Hardcore belt or whaeva' da hell is over there. Don't get too close doe because I hear AJ Styles is a mean sunofabitch, not as mean as Bubba Ray Dudley but y'all get da message, aight?

Bubba Ray Dudley looks away for a moment and thinks to himself, then looks over to Johnny Gargano and shakes his head slowly at him.

Bubba Ray Dudley: Care ta 'plain to me what da hell yer talkin' 'bout? I guess stoopid must run in da family of asshole's doesn't it, 'cuz what I've been hearin' 'bout da head asshole Mr. Kennedy is quite amusing. Hell I think if ya tried hard 'nough kid, yah could be da head asshole of Smackdown one day! Keep it up dipshit and I'll crown yeh while I'm at it. Haha of course I don't know who da hell yer are! As a matta' of fact why da hell should I care? I knew that were at Impact for a little while but you are easily comparable to Impact; as in nobody gives a rat's ass 'bout it! Nobody cared ta talk 'bout Impact, and nobody will ever care ta talk 'bout yeh, pal! So take yer stoopid laugh and get da hell outta mah ring! And for dat matter get da hell outta mah buildin'! I don't need ta know what da hell is in those briefcases, everyone who ain't stoopid already knows what's in them dumbass! Now screw!

Bubba Ray jerks his head towards Gargano whichh causes him to flinch and back up. Bubba then approaches Bray Wyatt and haves a cheap laugh in his face.

Bubba Ray Dudley: Oh lookadat! It's da cult leader who worshiper the bearded lady named Sista' Abligal. Tell meh Bray was she born from da buzzards or is she a half human that was conceived from da swamp monsters? Either way it's very odd how we've never seen dis Sista' Abigal before. Imma goin' ta be honest with ya right now buddah, I'm sick 'bout hearin' dis crap about demons and hell n' shit from D'Von when he's losin' his mind, so I honestly don't wanna be hearin' 'bout dat garbage from yer bearded face. Ya think it's funny and cute that I'm callin' yeh sorry ass 'bout that but honestly you're probably just as cute as dat walkin' piece of hot ass over there is actin' right now *points to Trish*. The fact that yer wonderin' to dis ring and talkin' bout how our false prophet's will enslave dis world is pissin' meh off Bray, and I'd strongly advise that yeh get yer ass outta mah ring and follow that boring sack of crap named Gargano and go wrestle at Ring of Honor or somethin', I'm sure that dey would love ta here 'bout yer stoopid bullcrap! Hurry the hell up and eat dis world so yah can piss off from dis ring 'fore I crack yer face open right here bud!

Bubba Ray shakes is head in frustration as he looks at Steve Borden and Matt Bloom standing across the ring.

Bubba Ray Dudley: Oh yeah, forgot that you two were standin' there actin' usless. Tell meh Bloom, did ya run outta things ta say and had yer papa speak for yeh instead? It's quite sad Boren 'cuz ya should be worryin' 'bout yer Rumble match instead. I know that D'Von has big plans to throw yer ass outta dat ring, but y'know I guess yeh have dem years of experience on yer side, right? Bloom honest ta God just shut up! Nobody cares what yeh have ta say and honestly, I don't even care ta see yer face again! I can't wait until dis Sunday so I can beat yer ass. As a matta' of fact, why da hell are you here Borden?! The rules state that nobody in da Rumble or da World title matches can come down here, so guess what buddeh ya can fuck off from dis ring and follow Wyatt's Buzzards before I flip mah lid on yeh. Oh and I don't mean that figuretivly, I literally mean fuck off from dis ring!

Bubba Ray looks away from the boring duo in the ring and once again gazes his eyes upon Trish Stratus. Stratus is showing no emotion to Bubba as he speaks into the mic.

Bubba Ray Dudley: And once again I'm back to the center of gravity, and when I mean that I mean the size of your tits. I'm not surprised that The Rock is retired, and I'm even more not surprised that you don't know where Edge is at. Either you have to many men ta keep track of, or even you can get 'stale' eventually. Either way it's quite sad to see yeh go down dis route Trish. Yeh can have a fine life with a real man such as mahself, but instead yeh surround yerself with morons and hasbeens, while lyin' that yer husband is rough enough for yeh. Heck I even bet D'Von would let meh have a round with ya since yeh love ta put out. It's ok though woman because I know your secret, and that one day you'll understand what Bubba Ray Dudley is packin'. Sit back doll and maybe you`ll enjoy da ride.

Bubba Ray Dudley winks at Trish Stratus as he backs up, waiting for somebody else to reply.​

 

[Chase]

AJ Styles goes and he looks on in every man in the ring. Styles goes and he begins to speak to all of them in the ring, and he points at the Wrestlemania sign and he speaks

AJ Styles: You know I could address each, and every one of you like I have done earlier, but in all honesty the time is near, and the clock is about to hit midnight, and lets face it only one of us will punch our ticket, and achieve our dreams at Wrestlemania, now people you can make the claim all you want, you can talk about how much more you want it. Hell though ever since that Wrestlemania sign has been put up in arenas I have been looking at it, and all I have been picturing is AJ Styles headlining Wrestlemania.

Just in case for the people who missed it on RAW I said it in my promo that my camera man Jay, he is not just some ordinary guy with me. He is not some man to film me because I think I am better then anyone else. No he is making a documentary with me, from now until I reach my dream Wrestlemania. He is going to document the success of AJ Styles, and it is being documented for a reminder of myself not to get complacent like I was once before when I reached the big stage with the lights on bright.


AJ goes and he adjusts the Hardcore championship over his shoulder. AJ goes and he begins to speak once more


AJ Styles: I once held world championship gold . I once was a man that was at the top of the food chain here in the UWF, just like many of you in this ring. You were at the top of the food chain, but the thing is as much as I hear the words that you speak, most of all you mens words are empty. They lack a certain fire, a certain flare into these words, and I don't feel or see the same determination from you people that I have had since I set foot into this very ring.

I feel like my words have been echoed through out the arena for the world to hear. I feel like my words sting more into the hearts of all you individuals. I feel that when it comes down to making the impact it is me AJ Styles. You see a lot of you like to throw the word best around like it is nothing, and how you all claim you're the best in your own craft, you see one of my old mentors said to be the best you got to beat the best, and quite frankly call me arrogant, call me selfish I don't give a damn I really do feel I am the best wrestler right now in this ring... no I am the best wreslter in the UWF.

AJ goes and he smiles as the fans are getting behind him, and Styles goes and he speaks once more

AJ Styles: You want someone that can fly look no further then AJ Styles.... You want someone who can go hardcore look no further then AJ Styles... You want someone who can brawl look no further then AJ Styles... You want someone who can wrestle technical once again folks look no further then AJ Styles. Everything that each of you claim to in this ring I don't do it good, I don't just do it great,or excellent, or amazing, No I do it more Phenomenal then each and every one of you surrounding around me.

I have proven week after week on Smackdown that I am a force to be reckoned with, and in the rumble when you get thrown out of that ring, and you see who eliminated you. Don't be surprised if it was me who tossed you out of that ring, then you will understand what kind of force you're dealing with. This isn’t the AJ Styles of old… no, this is an AJ Styles that was just as hungry to become the World Heavyweight champion like the one many months ago.

AJ goes and he gets a smile on his face as he goes on and he begins to speak once more

AJ Styles: Though this AJ Styles isn’t one that has tunnel vision and only seeks at the end game of winning the belt. No this AJ Styles is one that sees the big picture now, and this AJ Styles knows what it is like the be a champion and defend the belt countless times. Yeah this belt may look like a piece of crap, and dosen’t mean much to a lot of you big guys in the company, but all this belt did was show me the way of the possibilities that can happen if I ever become world champion again, and that is why I feel more ready than ever before at becoming the champion of the world.

Actions speak louder than words. I said that many years ago in UCW in my first ever UCW title match. I said that in an elimination chamber match. Something similar to this match, but instead of five other men I have to overcome, there is twenty nine other men that I have to get through to reach that goal; there is twenty nine other men I have to show that my actions, and my words are just as equal to each other.

AJ goes and he salutes to everybody in the ring, and he goes on and he speaks once more

AJ Styles: So men I will see you at the Rumble. I will show each and every one of you why the Phenomenal One is going to be the one to win the Royal Rumble, and when it is all said and done the confetti will be falling from the sky, and just like I have been doing since the beginning of the month. I will be pointing at that sign, and the announcer will be saying. Here is your winner, and heading to the main event of Wrestlemania… A…J…Styles. See you all Sunday.

AJ goes and he takes off his leather jacket, and he puts the Hardcore Championship around his waist. AJ goes and he throws his jacket to someone in the crowd, and Styles goes as he does his "Phenomenal Pose"

AJ goes as he exits the ring, but not before giving quick glances at some of the men in the ring, like Bryan, Borden, Cena, Christian, Sandow and others Styles exits the ring and he is walking up the ramp, as he reaches up there he looks and stares at Dean Ambrose as the two men seem locked at each other. AJ is about to head out but another voice speaks up.​

 

[Chase]

Undertaker goes and he looks on as he goes and he begins to speak

Undertaker: Oh my goodness, really all of you men want to try and take a shot at my yard you got to be shitting me. First of all Bubba Ray Dudley. What did I tell you? Dind't I tell you to go cheerlead for D-Von? You thik that you're vicious all of a sudden, Bubba you're nothing in this business with a damn table, and hell you know it. So Bubba please get out of my yard, you're not worthy of being with me in the devils playground.

Now Johnny Gargan-what? The hell is your last name? You think that just because you jump on yer damn trampoline in the backyard you ready to face me. Look you may hang with that weirdo Mr. Kennedy and think you know what darkness is all about, but boy you know nothing about but the darkness. I lived and thrived for the Darkness for nearly 24 years so don't you come trying to attack me about your darkness and how strong you are in it, because you aren't even on my damn level. So why don't you go and leave this ring boy, because you're not ready at all to become famous.

Now we have Albert, oh I am sorry Matt Bloom, make room for you? Shit man you know how much of that ring we have to expand just for that. You winning a briefcase is no rags to riches story, it is more like rags to pathetic story. By the way what makes you think Michelle would even look at you.... Hell you think that you winning a briefcase and getting a shot at some damn title will make you feel important. No it won't make me important, because do you know what will happen Bloom? You will get your ass kicked, and you'll squander any decentcy you had left in your life. So Albert, Bloom, A-Train whatever your dumb name is because at the end of the day I am going to have to do everything in my power to make you famous, but guess what boy I am going to do it someway and somehow. Steve you ain't worth a damn breath.

Riley psshhhh..... What a damn joke, you're nothing more then Mt.Morgans personal lackey that loves jumping up and down, go stand next to Bubba Ray to get your cheerleading team picture together, oh by the way Riley we ain't in high school any more take off that silly little jacket, and while your at is massage my back I am getting kind of sore standing here talking to some of these so called "men". Alright oh yes how could I forget CM Punk.

CM Punk Mr. So called Best in the world. A man who loves to do a lot of talk on that ramp over there. Why don't you make your sorry ass down that ramp with that little teenage girl over there. In fact Punk why do have this little teenage girl out here speaking for you? Look Punk I know you're a bit of a weirdo, but now this is weird.... People called me weird for dating someone younger. Now look Punk I don't fear you, I don't think you're a threat to me. You won some titles on brands I can't even remember the name of anymore, and no it is not because I am old, it is because each of your title reigns were irrelevant for me to even remember. So Punk don't waste your time to even walk down to deathvalley because you're not going to survive with me in here.

Bray Wyatt.... Someone who wears Hawian shirts, and acts like me. How low can you go in gimmick infringement. Disrespect at its best. Now I know it seems that I am going to have to teach you a lesson what respect is all about. You're going to feel my wrath ten times more then all the other men in this ring. I don't fear you, nor do I respect you. So Bray you think you know what it is like to wrestle the big bad dragon and know how to slay it, well let me tell you I am the biggest dragon of them all, and slaying me boy won't be easy.

Now EC3, and Fandango, what is the matter with you two? I don't get it are you guys sick in the head, my god... I don't know whats worse you two? Or the fact that a women is talking for her massive monster. Trish you being out here for Umaga is pathetic. Umaga is a grown man, and the fact that he needs a women to speak for his own battle shows how pathetic he was as the extreme champion. Trish if you want to enter this match go right ahead, but just know I will show you no mercy like all the other boys in this match.

You people need to understand that this isn't a game, and that people will get hurt in this match because why? Cause I am the Undertaker, and no matter how many people want to say otherwise this is my yard, and I will always reign supreme.​

 

[Shawn Michaels]

HBK: You see, Natty, that's where you are wrong missy! I may not have been a, Hart, but I knew, Owen a whole hell of a lot more than you did. Just think about that one for a second will you. I traveled on the road with, Owen. Had countless classic matches with him. We always brought out the better of each other. And while this right here is not about any of the, Harts in the past, the future which unfortunately is the two of you to represent them. The only problem to your little statement about, Owen, is that he lived everyday for this business and didn't care if he was the top guy or not. He went out and did what to the best of his ability. And that whole time for a change, well, Tyson, you will and I mean will NEVER live up to, Owen Hart. A World Champion or not, Owen Hart was a symbol of the business and that is something that you will never understand!

Kidd and Natalya speak among themselves

HBK: But you are right though, Natty. It is time for a change and that change comes at the Royal Rumble when I change, Tyson's career forever after he realizes he fell so short of reaching that ultimate goal of becoming the World Champion and takes a step at the end of the line. It's cold and bitter world at the bottom of the ocean!

Kidd waves his hands at HBK brushing him off

HBK: This time it's you that is right, Tyson. You are right that I can't control, Hunter because at the end of the day, Hunter will do what, Hunter wants to do. But the thing is, I know, Hunter a whole hell of a lot better than you do. Between the roads we traveled together to the feuds we had. You're not the only one who is concerned for this Sunday about what, Hunter will do. I have my doubts that he could double cross me just like he could double cross you. Don't forget that his wife is, Stephanie McMahon. Remember that last name well, McMahon. The McMahon's are capable of anything and they will get what they set out for. Stephanie wanted you to be champion at Starrcade, but Randy Orton knew better when she tried to screw me out of the title. She was trying to write the wrong that her father did seventeen years ago at Survivor Series. But it just didn't work out to her benefit. And now well thinking about it, seventeen years ago that happened, I had a head of hair, hardly wore hats to cover the bald spots. Hunter didn't have a beard, but still had a nose the size of Florida. Anyways I'm getting caught in that moment.

The crowd laughs as does Natch who has a smile while HBK is smirking. Tyson Kidd and Natalya look on with a childish look on their faces

HBK: Ok I got a little bit caught in the moment of what it was like years several and several years ago. See that's the thing without the past there would be no present. That's why guys like myself, Hunter, Stone Cold, The Rock, we talk about the past because we made that for what it is like today and we're all still going strong. You are just like those others that get caught up in the spotlight. You see the World Title and you can't respect those that have come before you. Especially this man, Ric Flair. A man who is honored by every, well almost every single superstar in this business for what he did as he helped build this business to what it is today. Most of us walk that isle, style, and profile just like the Nature Boy did because we wanted the spotlight that he got. We worked our way to that and earned it when it happened. This title isn't a guarantee when you get into the business. I am the World Champion because I survived seven former World Champions. You're not champion because you don't deserve it. It's not, Hunter's fault. It's not, Stephanie's fault. The person you should be blaming is the person you look at in the mirror, yourself! You had a chance to beat me when I was down, but you failed to do so. You could of beat me before, Steph tried to give you a cheap win, but you just weren't good enough and you still aren't.

HBK steps a little closer to Kidd and Natalya as the crowd wants to see these two go at it

HBK: The fact is, we could go on and on about, Hunter's role this Sunday at the Rumble. But it's that same factor that could wind up costing one of us. We get caught up in wondering what he's going to do instead of going out there and having a match. No lawyers, no nothing is going to prevent, Hunter from doing his job out there this Sunday. What I see when I look at someone who needs lawyers is a scared individual. You now have created a mark on your back with the boys in the back. You will be lucky to get through that locker room if you sue the company. So go on and continue to act like a child and sour the Hart family's legacy! It's no wonder, Bret is ashamed of the two of you.

HBK goes face to face now with Kidd as the two stare each other down. Kidd tells Natalya to back off

HBK: At the end of the day after all the lawyer talking, Hunter crossing nonsense, and who's better than who, my one and only concern is at all costs making sure I walk out of San Antonio, Texas before all my friends, family, and tens of thousands San Antonio fans screaming for the Heart Break Kid with the World Heavyweight Championship by my side still. If you think for one moment that I am going to lose the title in my hometown, you have another thing coming. The Road to WrestleMania begins this Sunday and when it's all said and done, Mr. WrestleMania inches one step closer to another WrestleMania main event and Tyson Kid will still be just a flash in the pan!

HBK hands Ric the microphone



Ric Flair: He's the man because he's still the best damn wrestler alive today. He's the man because he has something you do not have. And let's be quite honest, he's the man because he has a pair and you do not. Go ahead and sue the company. Sue the business like a child. For someone who calls himself the best, that's a coward act to display. And in all of my years in the business, I have never seen anyone act more of a whiny jackass than yourself. I am having a hard time understanding who's the real female here between the two of you. But after seeing this little display by you, Tyson, I have something for you.

Ric heads over to the ropes and an outside official hands him something

Ric Flair: Here, Tyson, you're going to need this now!

Ric tosses Tyson a tampon which gets the crowd laughing

Ric Flair: WOOOOOOOOOOO! This Sunday, Tyson, Shawn Michaels is going to kick you all the way back to Calgary and your pretty little wife will realize the Space Mountain has always been open! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!​

 

[Chris Dresdon]

After a long sabbatical from speaking, at this moment Steve raises his microphone a final time.

"The Icon" Steve Borden: I've gone back and forth regarding whether I was even going to respond to you creatons, and unfortunately for you, I've decided in favor of it. We're just two days away from the big event, from the spectacle that we've all gathered for, and the ones that deem themselves the most passionate the company could have signed, the ones that behave and carry themselves as the heroes of this fanbase, are the most cocky regarding their chances, and John Cena is the worst offender of them all. While all of these morons lap up the fact that you're back and in "peak form", I'm not anymore impressed now that you've taken five opportunities to speak than I was when you first picked up the microphone. Same old sophmoric jokes, same old chip on your shoulder, but just so no one makes the mistake of taking you lightly, you were sure to take the Lord's name in vain as often as you could. Not to sound like an advocate for D'Von, but that's a cheap tactic, and while it's accomplished what you intended it to do with some, with others, like myself, it's only served in making me shake my head faster and scoff at you harder.

This company was doing just fine without you, and so was Raw, but you couldn't stay away because you didn't believe either of those things to be true. You need to take a look in the mirror before you get gassed up about me being self-centered, because you're just as big a culprit, if not an even bigger one, because while I've discredited the talent on this roster, regardless of the brand they belong to, I don't demand sole focus and I don't believe that the company would die if I wasn't working for it. As much as Vince has protected you your entire career, making you the face of the WWE and trying to recapture that lightning in a bottle with every other company he acquires and heads up, the fact that you'd think I would go crying to him over unhappiness regarding an outcome is just as hypocritical as you taking me to task for being self-centered. This Rumble match isn't about showing John Cena that I have what it takes, because I don't work for you, John. You don't sign my paychecks, you don't decide what matches I'm going to be in, you don't schedule time for me to speak on this microphone.

As for bragging to be the man that silenced me? You wish you were that significant. I took a prolonged vow of silence out here, sure, but the only role you played in that is my curiosity regarding whether or not you would step outside of your childish yucking up and cursing for the sole purpose of trying to sound like a grown-up, it just so happened that when I decided to speak again, you'd already used up all of your time and gone to the back. To bring closure to my point, the gist of what I'm saying is this, the "legit" John Cena isn't that legit, and after trading words with you and seeing what the new and improved you is made of in the ring, I can say that with the utmost sincerity. By the way, when you get tossed out of the ring on Sunday, try not to land on your mouth, you're going to need it when you go asking for that European rematch.

Steve turns his attention to Sandow.

My oh my, that Killer Kowalski had an eye for talent, didn't he? Chyna whose accolades include a stint on reality television and a venture into adult film. Classy. Perry Saturn who talks to a mop when he's in the public eye and well, everyone assumes he's dead when he isn't. Sad. Chris Nowinski who people only vaguely remember for that plastic face mask he passed down to Cody Rhodes. Disgraceful. Kenny Dykstra, the male cheerleader who got more or less blacklisted from the industry after his woman left him for, ironically, John Cena. Poor guy had to find out the hard way that what Cena wants, Cena gets. Fandango. Is there anyone that he took under his wing that wasn't a complete flop? I mean Triple H would still be performing your gimmick if he hadn't sunk the lucky putt. I mean, I know I've drawn the comparison before but come on, the Poffos get royalties from your likeness and your appearing for UWF, right? At least a dollar a word per promo? Come on man, Randy's gone and Lanny's well, Lanny. Him, Matt Hardy, Chavo Guerrero, Marty Janetty, and guys just like them meet and talk about how empty life is when lived in the shadow of their more successful tag team partner and/or family member, the guy could use a pick-me-up.

It would certainly be more beneficial than the enlightenment you keep trying to bestow upon everyone. I mean people call me boring, but by the time you get to pulling the fourth college level word out of the dictionary you've got stuffed under your robe, I'll leave it to everyone's imagination as to where, I'm half asleep. Between you trying to save everyone and D'Von trying to save everyone, Cena over here trying to save the day with his mere presence, I find myself disappointed all over again that Chris Jericho isn't going to bother to participate, because now that it's more of a rescue mission than a wrestling match, we could use all of the "saviors" we can get but, Punk opted for the Rags to Riches match and no one wants to sign Jamie Noble, so I guess you three will have to do. One question, how strong is the fabric that robe is put together with, because assuming you come to a war of this calibur the same way you come to a war of words, I'd hate to tear it when I toss you out.

Steve turns his attention to Styles.

Allen Jones is AJ Styles. AJ Styles is Allen Jones. Fine, if you want to remain enveloped in the facade, that's your prerogative, I won't cut you down for that anymore. But dignity? What right do you have to talk about DIGNITY of all things? You've gone from being something somewhat worth watching in the ring with a polished craft to a garbage wrestler. What's phenomenal about wrestling in those types of matches? Nothing, anyone can do it, which is why Sami Callihan and Brodie Lee got their carcasses handed to them by Fandango and Dixie's nephew. I don't expect you to win this Rumble, but not just because I'm in the match and I'm going to ensure you don't. No, because of what you've become, I don't expect you to win because I don't deem you capable of winning, I don't deem you Wrestlemania main event material. AJ versus MVP? AJ versus Morgan? AJ versus Michaels? AJ versus Kidd? Versus Kane? Versus Guerrero? More like AJ versus Necro Butcher, AJ versus New Jack, AJ versus Sandman. Those are your peers now, those are the guys you're on the same level as, in appearance as well as in-ring style. In fact if you peek outside of your box and look to either side, you'll probably find one of them in an adjacent box, pissing in a trash can or eating garbage or something.

If I were you, I wouldn't be focused on how I could apply the Calf Killer, I'd be trying to figure out how to reverse the Career Killer, because that's your biggest problem right now. Speaking of Sami Callihan, is there anyone that Steve Austin WON'T sign to Smackdown? Sami Callihan looks like he came out of the line-up of the local bar that Austin frequents, and Brodie Lee, believe it or not, looks more homeless than AJ does. Can I get you a sandwich? In fact, I've just exposed the process, Stone Cold just goes to the bar for talent. That explains Shark Boy, that explains Paul Burchill, and Joe C, I mean Grado, I guess that explains him too. Sami Callihan, you aren't fit for a match like this, and that's because you can't defend yourself without the weapons. But don't feel bad, because being recruited at a bar isn't the only thing you and Shark Boy have in common, because if it wasn't for his carbon copying of Austin, he wouldn't be able to defend himself either. There's a reason there's not a midget division in UWF, I wish these guys would get that and save themselves some embarassment.

Steve now directs his attention to the European Champion.

And of course it'd be rude to talk about midgets without talking about Daniel Bryan. I'll admit, pulling the curtain back on the fourth wall and taking those types of shots wasn't a fair war tactic, but I'm closing that curtain now, because who needs what's behind it? Daniel, trust me, it seems like an eternity since you've picked up the microphone to me too, because you drone on and on and on about the same exact things, scratching and earning everything you've got, living the hard knock life of an underdog, boo hoo hoo. I'd say it has all the makings of a Lifetime original movie, but honestly, since you're engaged, your life is more fitting of a Total Divas spin-off, Life With Gremlin. I know, cue the eye roll because Steve's taking the predictable route, right? Well honestly, who can help themselves, Daniel? If you were wearing yellow lipstick, you'd look like a Furby. If I had the keys to the Chocolate Factory, I'd give you a Snickers, because you just aren't yourself when you're hungry, my electronic friend.

Steve smirks.

But, while I make jokes, at the same time I take this more seriously than anyone in this ring or this match could possibly fathom. The fact that I broke the fourth wall, and the fact that I allowed Damien Sandow an opening to continually insult me because I erroneously recited Smackdown history? Neither of those things are going to deter me, I won't allow them to. If I'm going to earn something, I'm going to do it the right way, and that's why I decided to address all of you one final time. It's as I said earlier, it's a match with thirty competitors but only a handful of us have a shot at winning the prize that's at stake. The closest I've ever come to winning a match like this was in UCW, a was the last person eliminated. Victory was right there and it slipped through my fingers, and that's the way so many matches have gone for me here in UWF, but not anymore, that changes on Sunday when all of the participants that have proven themselves to be wastes of a spot are all eliminated and then, one by one, all of the frontrunners are tossed out and only one remains, the true frontrunner and future Wrestlemania headliner, the "Icon", Sti-

Steve stops for a moment, several in the crowd gasping and some even popping for this. Steve looks around nervously for a moment, tugs at his shirt collar, and then clears his throat, the expression on his face becoming serious.

Steve Borden.

Steve smirks as the crowd boos him. "One Finger and a Fist" hits the PA system as he and Matt Bloom exit the ring and head towards the back, with Steve pointing at all of them individually as he backs up the ramp.

I'm eliminating you, you, you, you, you...

This continues until he's pointed at everyone. Steve stops, turns to Ambrose, and points at him.

And you.

Steve then turns, looks down the ramp one last time, laughs out loud, and turns around and leaves to the back.​

 

[Chris Dresdon]

As Matt picks his microphone back up, he looks at Johnny Gargano.​

Well, Johnny, I've got good news, there's someone in this match that's easier to talk trash about than you, not that you won't get another tongue lashing, I just thought I'd talk about how much there is about Bray to insult before I do so.

Matt now turns his attention to Bray Wyatt.

For starters, what's with the Hawaiian shirt, man? Not that I'm questioning your fashion sense, it's just not the type of thing I'd expect a man that carries himself the way you carry yourself and speaks in the manner and of the subject matter that you speak in and speak of, to wear. It doesn't make you come off as someone that should be feared, it makes you come off like a crazy Gabriel Iglesias fan. Is there another level of fatness that causes god complexes that he's not telling the world about? The people want to know, Bray. Or is this what happens when you grow up with Bo Dallas as a brother and Irwin R. Schyster as a father? One day you're walking around as a tank with a Ferrari engine and then the realization of who you're related to coupled with the fact that no one's investing in the Husky Harris character inspires you to lock yourself in a cabin with Deliverance, Swamp People, Duck Dynasty, and Cape Fear on Netflix and not come out until you've grown a pubic looking beard on your face and convinced yourself that you're omniscient.

Of course there had to be a few comic books with you out there, even if it was just so you had something to read in the outhouse and take your mind off the fact that you had to wipe with poison oak leaves. You take that hodgepodge of things and a version of Mankind's glove and you have the, "Eater of Worlds" Bray Wyatt. Tell me, Bray, who is Sister Abigail? Because if I had to take a guess, it's an incestual thing, and you keep talking about her because she's still an object of your affection. So it's fitting that you're Edgar Allan Poe-esque in your demeanor, because he married his first cousin. You know, I can't help but notice that with all your talk of your father here and there and your sister, at least to the best of my knowledge, you've never spoken of your mother. Are you holding a grudge against her because she wouldn't let you play foosball? Whatever the reason is, I'm sure you have one, in fact it's probably a sensitive subject so you talk about when and if you're ready to, big guy. It's funny to me that you're in this match, Bray, because judging the book by it's cover, you aren't ready for riches, because you're too comfortable in rags.

Matt returns his attention to Johnny Gargano.

Now, when Steve here was talking about people coming back for a last taste of fame, he was talking about guys like The Undertaker coming back after his Smackdown run flopped and Trish Stratus returning from her sabbatical to get another go at this. You aren't significant enough to get lumped into that category. Talentless and desperate yes but coming back to suckle fame? No, you have to actually possess some star quality to be able to suckle fame, you don't even generate X-Pac heat, and considering you associate yourself with a douchebag like Kennedy, that's honestly a little surprising. Let's address the double standard going on here. Out of Fandango and EC3, only one of them are actually in the match, yet both of them spoke. Out of RVD, Bill Alfonso, and Sabu, only Rob's in the match, yet Bill and Rob both spoke. AJ's not in the match, but her and Punk spoke. And Trish, well she's doing what she always does, sticking her vagina where it doesn't belong. But all of that, that's okay but as soon as Steve gives his opinion, that's not allowed.

Understand this, Gorgon, Matt Bloom and Steve Borden aren't afraid of anything or anybody, and if you somehow make it to Wrestlemania, well, that'll be the end of UWF, because everyone will quit out of embarassment that a scrawny, pale, indy nobody managed to make something of himself. I kind of hope it plays out like Impact's Money in the Bank match last year in that you get THIS close to capturing a briefcase but someone grabs it at the same time and they're the one that ends up with it. For crying out loud, kid, I'd rather see Colin Delaney or Zack Gowen get a crack at this than you, but I'm pretty sure the latter's impossible since Jimmy Jacobs killed him for Edge's sake or something like that, so I'd rather see Colin Delaney. Ultimately, it's not about whether or not I believe in myself, because that's not in question, I believe in myself because I'm big, I'm mean, and once again, I've yet to lose a match in UWF, and that's not going to change. Your sorry ass is getting broken in half, Gorgonzola, that's a promise.

Matt now looks at Bubba Ray.

You know you don't have a qualifiable set when there's a woman in the ring and you're ragging worse than she is. If you're done throwing your temper tantrum, let me speak some truth to you, Bubba. I'm glad that my place in this match is pissing you off, because that's what I'm here to do, piss off the world and piss on any of their attempts to stop me. You and that Brooklyn rage of yours are going to get you past Garguano and Bray Wyatt, but me? I'm getting tired of pointing this out, but you aren't going to get past me. I beat your fat, thug playing ass the first time and I'm going to beat it this time, tenfold.

Matt directs his attention on The Undertaker.

Now back to you, "Deadman". The American Badass. You as a representative of this country is almost brings as much shame to it as the people running it. What've you done that allows you to walk around here with that chip still on your shoulder? Congratulations, you made it through another day without your body collapsing in on itself. You took Viagra for another night and it didn't kill you, great job, I'll be sure to put a gold star next to your name on the roster list. You're making the same mistake you made when you nearly got your skull caved in by Guerrero, you're standing in the presence of someone bigger and badder than you and trying to claim his territory. It's getting embarassing watching you stake claim in this as your yard and then getting your ass stomped like a playground bully that had it coming to him. Michelle could probably beat you with her version of the Styles Clash at this point.
The Royal Rumble is just a day and some change away, which means all of you are running out of time until you won't have your microphones to hide behind, the time is coming for you to put your fists up, and while not all of you will get pancaked like Garbanzo, you're all still going to go down, and one of those four briefcases is coming home with me. Make room for Bloom.

Matt lowers his microphone with a smirk as the crowd showers him with disdain and all of the other competitors look unimpressed with him and all that he's had to say.​

 

[CaptainxBumout]

Ambrose watches Sting leave before hopping off the stage and walking onto the ramp before he starts speaking as he slowly reaches the bottom.

You know what, that’s great. Go ahead and leave Steve. It’s not like anyone will miss you. Looks like he’s had enough pulling behind the curtain that now he wants to go back and hide behind it. It’s fine Steve, no one here took you seriously anyways. What’s to take serious. A man shedding his former self and trying to have some sort of rebirth. Like I haven’t seen how that ends numerous times. You’re just like everyone else. You end up on a losing streak so you try and evolve. Daniel Bryan said it, you’re doing it, John’s doing it. Everyone keeps changing thinking it’ll finally make them take that next big step. It’s not your personality that’s lacking Steve, it’s you. You just don’t have it in you to get what you’ve always wanted. Don’t blame yourself too much Steve, none of these other people have what it takes. Especially the ones who hide.

Ambrose looks up into the rafters where D’Von was before looking out into the crowd.

Oh D’Von. Poor confused little D’Von. Is that all you had to say? All those little videos to hype up your appearance and that’s it? After all that, all you had to say was I’m addicted to drugs and booze? It’s clear you don’t know who I am but I wouldn’t hold that against you. You can’t even get a grasp on who you really are. Why would a preacher such as yourself hang out with a foul mouthed low member of society like Bubba Ray? So do you think I care if you think I’m some drugged up raging drunk? Sure I like to drink and have a little fun here and there but I’m no Jeff Hardy. No I beat him to win my third World Heavyweight Championship. I’m better than Jeff and I’m better than you. Preach all you want but nothing can take away from the actual truth. You put all your faith into a higher being when the simple fact of the matter is no one makes you weak but you. It’s not the lord’s plan to make you wait. You haven’t failed over and over again because the lord had something better planned for you. You’ve failed because you’re just not good enough. You’re not good enough to win the rumble, you’re not good enough to become a champion, you’re not good enough to even be in the ring with me which is why I’m glad you decided to hide away. I don’t need to deal with people like you. I’d rather fight people who want to fight me back.

The fans are cheering for Ambrose having another bare knuckled brawl soon.

I want to fight people like Sami Callahan. He’s gone through a lot in recent weeks but I’d still wager he’s tougher than a lot of you. I haven’t gone to war in quite awhile so if the rest of you want to stay back on Sunday while we settle some business, that’d be great. That is if you’re up for it Sami. I know you love that morphine but just take a couple minutes to fight me and I‘ll send you right back to the hospital for more. And don’t worry about me, I won’t be needing any of that. It feels good to feel pain every once and awhile. It’s like that nice tingling sensation when you feel a chill run down your spine. Not too many people have made me feel that. One of the first is standing right there in that ring.

Ambrose turns his attention to Daniel Bryan.

Bryan….Bryan, Bryan, Bryan. Calm down. We get it. We really do. Every time you lose you say you’re better the next week. Like for some reason you magically learned some new way to help you succeed. But magic isn’t real Daniel. The odds are against you because…you’re just not good enough. You’re not the biggest guy in the rumble and neither am I but I’m feared. These people can talk and pretend their going to get right up in my face but when the time comes and I get in that ring, they’ll all scatter like the cockroaches they are. You on the other hand, you’re whole livelihood depends on this one match. You may think this match can make careers but that’s only if you’re not good enough. I’ve made my career through countless actions. I don’t need a single win to slingshot me into success. Everyone has so much stake in this one match that if they lose, they’ll never recover from it. I want to win, but I don’t need to win. The world will soon remember who the real World Heavyweight Champion is.

The crowd is still rallying behind Ambrose as he looks over to Damien Sandow.

It’s funny that the one man who relies on luck is lecturing me about it. Yes I got an immediate title rematch because that title was stolen from me. That happened a year ago, once. I never received my rematch the second time I lost or the last time when Cody Rhodes screwed me, a man I’m sure you’re familiar with in more ways than one but you’re right about one thing. I used to not care what others thought about me. Still don’t to an extent but what’s the point in carrying a belt when you didn’t earn it. I’ve never lost my “big wins” to people who have earned it. I loss my title a week after a hellish battle that would have most men out for months. I loss my second title in a King of the Mountain match that saw you interfere. I loss my third title when Wyatt cashed in on me after I already successfully defended my title. And I already told you how I loss my fourth title. Do you a see a common thread here? I lose because of other people. Much like how we loss this past week because of you. I stand and fight while paper champions like you cower and win only at opportune times. I’d much rather have a shell of a man like you look down on me than people who actually matter.

Ambrose then finally looks at Cena.

No I’m not talking about you Cena. You don’t matter to me. You may want to prove yourself but what you’re saying is nothing but lies. Beat the best version of you? No I’ve already beaten the best version of you. This nice guy routine, it’s made you weaker. I’ve seen the viciousness inside you. I’ve seen you be willing to do whatever it took to get the win. Unlike Damien over there though, you fought tooth and nail. You didn’t go for a low blow followed by a roll up to try and get the win. You went for a low blow followed by an AA and an STF. You did everything you could and you still came up short. You were a hell of a challenge. You may be a better man now but I couldn’t care less. You were a better challenge back then.

Ambrose is pacing around back and forth.

And at this point, that’s what I’m really doing this for. A challenge. No one is in my way anymore. I don’t need to get revenge on anyone. The Shield interfered in my last match and I made them look like fools. The only person stopping me from getting back what’s mine is all of you. If one of you feels brave enough to try and eliminate me, I’ll deal with you and then move on. It’s a simple as that. All of you are trying to psych yourselves up for some Cinderella moment but that’s a fairy tale for a reason. This right here standing in front of you, this is cold hard reality. This is what’s going to smack your head down from the clouds. And I’m going to laugh as you go tumbling down.

Ambrose starts laughing sinisterly.

This Sunday marks the beginning of a new era. Dean Ambrose now fights for himself and no one else and if any of you have a problem with that, then you’ll have to deal with me. And that goes for any of the higher ups as well. No more games. No more hiring people to keep busy so your hand picked person and compete for the top titles. None of you are going to stop me. You all need this, and I'm here to make sure you all fail. Dean Ambrose is on the prowl…..and hunting season starts now.

Ambrose drops the mic as he slowly walks backwards up the stage, staring at everyone in the ring.
​

 

[Slim]

It is almost out of disgust that Trish raises her mic to address the masses.

Trish Stratus:

Seriously. I hate each and every single one of you. Every single freakin one of you can go die and the world would be a much better place. Each and every one of you can have surgery to remove your tracheas. Each and every single one of you can just chop your tongues off and choke on it. I mean seriously… just listening to all of you talk make me envy the deaf. I WISH I WAS DEAF! That way I wouldn’t have to be subjected to the utter bullshit that each and all of you spew on a daily basis. I mean who cares what you have to say Undertaker. Really who the hell cares!

Trish walks up to Undertaker although eye level is pretty much at his chest.

Trish Stratus:

Do you honestly think that anybody here is intimidated by you? That this thing here is your yard? You think for one second that you actually run this thing? That you have some sort of inkling of importance in here? So important that you have to describe the match in detail again? I mean do you think anybody here actually gives even the slightest bit of a fuck what you have to say Undertaker? NOBODY CARES! And I know you want to hit me. I know you do but you know you aren’t allowed to do that until match time. You can’t hit anybody here until that bell rings and the Rumble match known as Rags to Riches begins. So be sure to hold on to that anger. Be sure to use that rage in the match because if you fight anything like you’ve been talking you might as well roll over in your grave and not bother sitting up because your ass will just be a dead man walking. And as far as you go… you sniveling little shit…

Trish marches over to Bubba Ray making sure to grip her chest and bounce them up and down for him.

Trish Stratus:

I know that was all you were interested but really… are you a damn third grader? Do you honestly think that just because a female is a manager of a guy that they have sex? You think that I spend every single waking moment with Rock, Edge, Umaga, and my husband? Hell no. After work I go home to my family. Rock, Edge, and Umaga are all clients. I mean you have to be some immature little punk to think that all that goes on is sex. But then again that is pretty much all that is on your mind and even then if you are standing at attention nobody would even be able to notice with your micro penis. But you don’t seem to understand the crap that I have to deal with on a weekly basis with people like you saying the same damn thing that has been said for years.

Oh she is managing all of them. She must be a slut. She must be so tired having sex with all of them. She wishes she could manage me but she’ll never get that chance. Why did she pick losers to manage instead of someone like me. ALL of you say the same damn thing every damn time. And losers… tell me… The Rock is one of the most successful if not the MOST successful man in all of UCW history. Edge is a man that has held gold including a world title… Umaga is going down in history as the longest reigning Extreme champion in UWF history. Tell me what exactly have you achieved Bubba. TELL ME! Oh wait I can answer that… jack… shit. You’ve accomplished nothing and you think I want to manage you? You are as dumb as you look.

You are definitely as dumb as you sound. So you know what… hold on to your fantasies, hold on to your delusions of scoring with me, hold on to those dreams that one day I’ll manage you… matter of fact take a very good look at these things right here cause this is as close as you’ll ever get to them. EVER! And Matt… Matt….

Trish then turns her attention to Matt and Borden.

Trish Stratus:

I can say that I’m thankful that you didn’t mention my name in your little trivial crap or if you did… I must have spaced out and missed it. Matter of fact I’ll lump you with Bray over there and tell you both together that neither of you are going to stand a chance in this match so I don’t even know why either of you two are even involved in this thing. It would be better for both of you to just resign from the match and leave now. The only thing that you two are going to do is get in the way. All of you are going to get in the way of the one man… the one monster… my client… the one that is going to just dominate and hurt each of you as he makes sure to grab the proper briefcase and walk away with a world title shot and I know that each of you idiots think that… oh he has a woman speaking for him so he must be a pussy.

Understand that he is my client so my job is to make his easier by not having to come out here and deal with the idiocy that each of you spew because I am sure that he would have hurt a few of you by now. But since you all want him so bad…



Without warning the theme hits as Umaga makes his long waited appearance.



The crowd lets out a roar as Umaga does the same and marches down the ramp towards the ring. He enters the ring as Trish hands him her mic.



Umaga:

I just want to make this simple and crystal clear. Each and every one of you are standing in my path towards the title and I will not allow any of you to stand much longer. Rags to Riches shall be renamed Death to all that oppose Umaga. Because I will ensure that the longer this match goes on… the more pain that I will inflict on each of you to the point that you will not even be able to grab a briefcase in this match. None of you are worthy of grabbing a briefcase let alone even touching one of them. So just know… right now all of you are on borrowed time.

Umaga slams the mic on the canvas causing feedback as it breaks.​

 

[CaptainxBumout]

Hello UWF faithful! It is I, Dixie Carter, here to inform all of you that any minute now, Fandango and my nephew Ethan will be coming out of their surgery in just a bit. Now they’ve been completely conscious and have been watching what you guys have had to say and let me tell you something, those boys are not happy.

No we’re not

The doors open and Ethan Carter The Third and Fandango emerge as Dixie claps with excitement.

We’re back and we’re ready to tango.

Not so fast Fandango, I know we both want to remind everyone of what true professionals are capable of but let’s not be too quick. While we may look perfect, we are not at 100%. It’s off to the hyperbolic time chamber to heal but when we get to the Royal Rumble, you are all in for a treat.

Can you even believe how many average joe's have come out to try and make a case for them winning. Do they not understand that we are the greatest things since Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis? I mean RVD? Don't make me laugh. We just decimated two other hardcore wannabes like yourself and their own game. Who says we can't do it to you and that other old dude I've never heard of before.

Speaking of people we've never heard of before, that Johnny kid sure has a big mouth. It's good thing you avoiding talking about us. You should help us get our briefcases. These people think we won't be healed up by Sunday so they'll attack. It's the one way they can ever achieve glory. By saying they beat one of us even if we were only at 10%. But if you decide to help us, we won't make you look like an idiot like the rest of those people.

And idiots they are. Delusional also. I'm glad Punk finally stopped taking pot shots at me. Everyone knows he's the one I beat to become International Champion. I've been undefeated ever since. He even tried his luck against us again and we sent his buddy going home. Now he has a girl on his side and he thinks he has what it takes again. It's pretty funny actually. I don't tire of making you my whipping boy.

Fandango winks into the camera and then laughs.

Speaking of whipping boys, can you believe that trailer park trash down there calling us, what was the word? Ah who cares because like the rest of his little speech, no one cares. Keep barking all you want, we don't even care if your the other set of tag champs. Who exactly have you faced over there on RAW again? That's what I thought. You keep trying to do whatever it takes to get our attention. You're like a spoiled little child always looking to be the center of attention. Are we going to have to come down there and spank you? There's a reason why despite holding those faux belts you're never on TV. You're just not entertaining or marketable enough. No one wants to watch you. The only reason you're hired here is to lose. It's as simple as that.

Oh and look whose decided to speak up, none other than Sting. If I could just give you a little tip Sting, put the make up back on. You're very hard to look at. And tell Matty over there to put that tribal paint back on also. And to lose a few pounds. And to go to public speaking school. And to maybe get some surgery done. And to just never show his face around here ever again okay? That sounds good to you Matty? Don't take it so hard though, you're not the only ugly one out here.

Hey ManBearPig, we're talking to you Wyatt. Let me tell you something, you're not a prophet unless your preaching the about how otherworldly we are. We're proof that gods exist and they play favorites. I say God's plural because one God couldn't come up with all this on his own right?

Ethan and Fandango both slowly turn around as the crowd shows their hate for them.

And wait a minute, before we got out here, did we hear Umaga talk again? So you went from silent monster saying these long dumb speeches and now your back to silent monster again who sometimes talks is that right? Well we already beat that Umaga. We were kind of hoping for something different. Oh well, we at least got Trish to shut up about us. Guess she's too busy dealing with those burns we gave her!

But relax everyone. All of you will still get a chance to know what it's like to be belittled by us in person. We'll walk all over your bodies, grab our briefcases and then move on to the main event of WrestleMania. People talk about Eddie and Chris at WrestleMania 20, but that will soon change to Ethan and Fandango at UWF WrestleMania 3. It will be the most beautiful thing anyone will ever see. Consider yourself lucky enough to witness it. But for now we must rest. Prepare yourselves for the most glorious win in Royal Rumble history.

Fandango smiles at the screen as it fades to black.​

 

[Chase]

Undertaker goes and he looks on the screen with a confused look and he goes on and he speaks

Undertaker: Cute video Fandango, and Ethan, go have fun in your little hyperbolic time chamber. If you see any weirdos with gold hair, and shoot lasers around tell them that there more then welcome to come perform at my daughters birthday party. You see folks Fandango and Ethan didn't mention me because they know not to mess with the Undertaker. They know I don't respect them, so they decided to leave my name out of there pathetic mouths. They don't want to address me because they already know they are going to go through hell, and they don't want to go in deeper. The smartest thing you two morons said in this ring. Now... onto you Trish.

Undertaker turns to Trish

Undertaker: Trish I am happly married, and no offense to you, just like almost everybody says to me in this ring. You're way past your prime. You don't intimidate me, hell if anything you acting like your some big deal too me is just kind of laughable. So Trish go on in your little world and think that you're still one of the best right now, because when I beat your little client here Umaga to the ground at the Rumble, your gonna regret any word you said too me, and wish you were in a grave instead of living and breathing. Speaking of the big ugly creature there he is.

Undertaker goes and he begins to speak to Umaga

Undertaker: I am sorry Umaga did you say death? This is the Undertaker. The man who knows death better then death itself. The man who practically made death a non believable word here in pro wrestling. Umaga your just a poor soul aren't you. I mean honestly you just remind me of a less hip version of Rikishi. Yes, yes just like Rikish a guy who never could break it to the next level. Slways fighting on the bottom that Rikishi. just wanting his chance to get to the top, but that never happened. Do you know why it never happened? Cause he had to run into me, and just like Rikishi you'll have to run into me. Oh shit I am just ruining all of your families hopes and dreams. Hell maybe if your lucky you might become famous like the Rock, and hell maybe make movies and become a star. Naaa I can't envision that either you just don't have the look, sorry just like Albert over here your screwed.​

Undertaker looks at Bloom and he begins to speak

Undertaker: Yeah Albert that little Eddie Guerrero beat me? So what? What in the hell does Eddie Guerrero have to do with you? Are you really comparing yourself to Eddie Guerrero.?Ha..Ha.. Oh god I needed that chuckle good one Albert. Yeah I can see your big, your bad, your nasty, but I am bigger, badder, and nastier then you Albert. You are not someone that is just looking for some validation, and really your calling me old. Let me ask do you help Steve over there with his bengay after every match? Shit you can't call me old when you walk with a grandpa every single day, that is older then me. Now when it comes to my wife she can't beat me, she knows how it goes almost every night.

Fans go "ohhh" as Undertaker made a sexual reference, Undertaker goes and he speaks

Undertaker: What in the hell is wrong with you people? You act like you never heard about sex before sheesh. I am just telling the truth. Anyways Albert, Umaga, Trish, and the rest of you weirdos I have no more time wasting here talking to you. We all know I am getting a briefcase at the Rumble. I know it, you know it. So why should I keep running my gums when I know I am going to get one of the briefcase. Hell it dosen't matter what briefcase I get. The brifcase I get at the end of the day will lead me to becoming a champion here in the UWF once again, and then once again I will dominate until I become the man here. Anyways I am out of here you guys have yourself a terrible night, and just remember this will be, and always be my yard.

Undertaker goes as he exits the ring as the fans cheer, and Taker goes and he gets on his motorcycle and he revs it up as he rides up the stage the final image is shown with Taker looking on at the end of his bike.

 

[Sam]

Pete Rosenberg: Welcome once again to Wrestling with Rosenberg, we haven’t done one of these in a while but when we do it’s always a treat. The guy I’ve got with me in the studio at this time is on a bit of a hot streak, he’s a bit of a loud mouth, he’s brash, he doesn’t care for friends, but most importantly this man is stepping into the thirty man Royal Rumble match this Sunday, give it up for Shark Boy, welcome to the show Shark Boy.

Shark Boy: Thanks for havin’ me, not often the UWF trusts me to do somethin’ like this!.

Rosenberg: I would imagine so, I mean you’re one of the most controversial characters in UWF at the moment now you’ve formed the uh… Council of Underwater and Nomadic Talent.

Shark Boy: The C.U.N.T.

Rosenberg: Well I was trying to avoid saying it but we’ll go with it. So you formed The C.U.N.T. a few weeks ago and ever since you’ve been on a hot tear in the UWF, what do you put that down to?

Shark Boy: Well Shark Boy’s never been on a cold tear y’know?, Shark Boy’s always had that hot streak about him it’s just I ain’t been racking up the wins like I used to, and I put that down to a few things. Firstly, having to go out and fight people that have got a lil’ entourage with them. Ya know, Chris Masters has Layla, Prince Devitt has his Bullet Club, Steve Borden has Matt Bloom…. I always had to look behind my back to make sure I didn’t get jumped and it was distracting me so I went out and I got me some… well, some damn distractions.

Rosenberg: You certainly did, you went out and got Paul Burchill, who nobody has seen for years now and you also went and got a guy that’s been kicked off of every brand he’s ever been on in the UWF, Grado. Why?

Shark Boy: Well originally it was just gonna be me and Burchill, ya know we have a lot in common, we like the open seas, we like drinkin’ heavily into the wee hours and most of all we both like getting’ in that ring, whippin some bass and putting on a show for the audience…

Rosenberg: So when did Grado come into the fold?

Shark Boy: Well the thing about Grado is he ain’t ever left the UWF, he came over for iMPACT! When that was about and then he was on Raw for a lil’ bit under the wing of Dusty Rhodes but after that he’s just been hangin’ out backstage waitin’ for an opportunity. He’s been helpin’ set up the ring, helpin’ out catering, he’s been busting his rear end to get another opportunity… that and his VISA lasts another year or so and from what he’s told me, I don’t blame him for seeing that year out ‘cos Ayrshire don’t sound to uh, pleasant to Shark Boy.

Rosenberg: Now changing it up a little bit, you started out really in this companies predecessor Unified Championship Wrestling, you managed to gather somewhat of a cult following there, do you think it’s the same fans who come out and cheer for you and your group now in the Ultimate Wrestling Federation?, the UWF?

Shark Boy: I’d say so, ya know wrestling fans to me are the greatest fans in the world. And that ain’t just a sound bite, I truly believe it because once they take to you, once they start cheerin’ your name? , they don’t stop until you decide to ya know, tell them to piss off and start acting like an asshole.

Rosenberg: About that, fairly recently one of my all time favourites, Sting, has decided to change his image up a bit and now goes by his real name of Steve Borden… what’s the deal with that?

Shark Boy: I honestly don’t know what goes on in the minds of guys like him, man, he had it all. He had one of the greatest images in wrestling history and now he’s just…. Another guy and he’s got that big bald sumbitch Matt Bloom with him, who you might have known as Tensai or Albert back in the day and he’s taken to boring us all to death rather than ya know, giving it the ‘WOOO’ or tellin’ everbody it’s Showtime!. And ya know what?, that’s gonna make it that lil’ bit sweeter when I toss his old bass over the top rope and to the floor at the Royal Rumble.

Rosenberg: Okay, The Royal Rumble match, I’m sure many of the viewers and listeners will have seen it at home, but if they haven’t can you just describe it to them?

Shark Boy: Well basically it’s an over the top rope Battle Royal. But instead of it being like, ten or fifteen men fighting over a championship or something like that, we got thirty cats trying to win the damn thing. And it’s all for one thing and that’s that main event spot at Wrestlemania 3. And believe me when I tell ya, that’s what everybody wants, that big World Championship opportunity, and y’all best believe that Shark Boy wants that damn spot.

Rosenberg: Yeah you’ve sort of emerged as somewhat or a dark horse for this match with me and my fans, I mean you have a real shot at the winning this match where with all due respect, looking at you, a lot of fans might see you as a comedy character or just some light relief during the show for the kids… but you’re not are you?

Shark Boy: Damn straight I ain’t son, I like drinkin’ beer, whippin’ bass and kicikin’ the livin’ shrimp out of everybody that gets in my way. See I used to try and be the funny guy, ya know, I do wear this ridiculous costume, and at the start that’s what I was meant to be. I didn’t talk much and I didn’t win much because I wasn’t bein’ myself. Once I got an opportunity to talk and I could start bein’ myself which is what the UCW and the UWF let me do, well then Shark Boy wasn’t so much of a comedy character then.

Rosenberg: Now then, onto the Royal Rumble in more detail, who do you think, apart from yourself of course, has what it takes to win the Royal Rumble, I mean there’s some really top level guys in this match-up.

Shark Boy: Well the Rumble itself is one of the biggest matches of the year and everybody turns up for it ya know?, hell even John Cena decided to return for the Rumble match. But as far as favourites to win the damn thing?, I ain’t no bettin’ man but there’s a few cats like Daniel Bryan and Dean Ambrose. Damien Sandow, Steve Borden, my boy AJ Styles and a couple others that have got a real chance of winnin’ this match. But like you said, I’m only saying that ‘cos I ain’t allowed to pick myself.

Rosenberg: Some of those names you mentioned are well established stars, they’ve been World Champion in the past, and does that give them a little bit of an advantage in your eyes?

Shark Boy: I wouldn't say they’d have an advantage. I mean sure they’re all championship material, but having been there before they might not have the hunger and the desire that guys that haven’t been a World Champion, like Shark Boy, definitely do have. Listen Pete, I am in this match as the underdog, I know that, these guys like you said have been World Champion before, but that doesn't mean they can match me in that ring, I’m a beer fueled bass whippin’ machine and there ain't nobody that’s gon’ stop me.

Rosenberg: What about a guy like Dean Ambrose, who’s known to be one of the most violent UWF superstars, you’ve got to admit he poses a threat.

Shark Boy: Look Pete, it’d be foolish to say that the people mentioned don’t pose a threat. Sure Dean Ambrose is a nutjob, but isn't Shark Boy too?. He might well be reckless and violent but Shark Boy can be just as reckless, just as violent and just as dangerous as Dean Ambrose, and anybody else in this match, and I’m sure Vegas don’t like the odds on that, but I’m tellin’ ya I’m willing to do anything, and I mean anything to win this match, just like Ambrose does… but I simply want it more, and I feel if anything, that gives me an advantage.

Rosenberg: What about a guy like Devon though, he’s never been World Champion either, does he have that same advantage?

Shark Boy: Well you’d have to ask him to be honest, he’s to busy putting middle aged women through tables and spouting a lot of carp about how he’s holier than thou and all that other stuff. And if ya can guess by the tone of my voice, I don’t particularly like the guy. So as far as having the same hunger and desire as Shark Boy, well I gotta bust out a catchphrase and say, EH-EH, Reverend Devon doesn’t have what it takes, and ain’t ever gonna have what it takes to throw Shark Boy over the top rope and he ain’t winnin’ the Royal Rumble because Shark Boy is. Simple.

Rosenberg: You seem pretty adamant that you’re going to be winning the Royal Rumble, is that the kind of mind set you have to have going into something where twenty nine other men are trying to take something that you want?

Shark Boy: Sure is, if you don’t go into that ring with the belief that everybody in it is your enemy. That everybody in that ring is trying to take the food from your table, trying to take away your ticket to superstardom and your ticket to being known as the best this business has to offer, well then you’re simply doomed to fail. I’m a strong mind-set guy, Shark Boy’s all about the positive mind-set and right now Shark Boy can positively tell you that he’s gonna walk on into the Alamodome, just like the Von Erich’s and the Freebirds did back in the day. And Shark Boy’s gon’ walk in with the bass whippin’ mind-set he always does but on a much larger scale. My plan for the match is simple, pick the biggest, baddest sumbitch, walk right up to him and Chummer him where he stands. Shark Boy will show no fear, he’ll show reckless abandon and he’ll show why he deserves to go to Wrestlemania 3 to challenge either Shawn Michaels, Tyson Kidd, Kane, Eddie Guerrero, MVP or that giant son of a bitch Matt Morgan for their World Championship. And Dean Ambrose, Sandow, Bryan, Borden, all of the names can try and stand in my way but it won’t matter squat because this is Shark Boy’s time, this is Shark Boy’s big opportunity to finally win the big one and he’s willing to die trying to become the winner of the two thousand fourteen Royal Rumble match.

Rosenberg: It’s been great having you on Shark Boy, you’re certainly and interesting character, you’re driven, you’re focused and I wish you the best of luck in the Royal Rumble match and is there still tickets available

Shark Boy: Naw they saw Shark Boy on the card and it sold out!

Rosenberg: Haha, Shark Boy everbody and remember you can catch the Royal Rumble on Pay Per View and you can catch Wrestling with Rosenberg on Youtube any last words.

Shark Boy: Yeah I’ve got a catchphrase left to do and it’s real simple… it’s Shark Boy’s gon’ win the Royal Rumble AND THAT’S THE FISHIN’ LINE ‘COS SHARK BOY SAID SO!

Rosenberg: Thanks for doing this man and good luck.

Shark Boy: Thanks man, I appreciate it.


​

 

[SBS]

Well Gentlemen the deadline has officially passed which means it is now up to me to pick a winner of this sordid thread. I want to thank everyone who posted especially those of you who went above and beyond and did all five. I am locking this thread now, but wanted all of you to know how much I appreciate the effort and hope you all enjoy the match.

 

[albo2]

UWF ROYAL RUMBLE PREDICTION THREAD:

30 Man Royal Rumble Match
WINNER: Well alot of people showed up big for this match, I'm going with the cliche of "I'd hate to have to pick a winner for this" but for me, I would love to see Nate's Rev Dvon win, I mean who in the hell has an idea to 3D Opera. I like to see where he got that from but he is my pick for this.

UWF World Heavyweight Championship
Guest Referee Triple H
Shawn Michaels (c) v. Tyson Kidd
WINNER: I see Cliqueclacks winning this one. I thought he was unlucky not to win at Starrcade but I wouldn't be surprised if Shawn retained and this main events Wrestlemania. Hopefully this feud isn't over

UWF Championship
Matt Morgan (c) v. MVP
WINNER: My match


UWF Global Championship
Chairs Match
Kane v. Eddie Guerrero (c)
WINNER: I love Coldhands Kane, I'd imagine it would be a hard person to play but I just love the way Dresdon turned Eddie into a crazed Manaic for this match. I think as soon as Dres had Eddie make himself bleed, I had him for the win, I just loved that bit.


Grudge Match
Rhode Fight
Goldust v. Cody Rhodes
WINNER: I loved reading this thread. It brought some entertainment to me and I could imagine both people saying what Rey and Hoov were writing, but I have to pick a winner. Reylaxing with Rey or Hanging with Hoov? MMM I think I might pick Rey for this one.

Rags to Riches Match:
WINNER: Not going to to lie, didn't follow this thread so had to skim over it. Not sure why but just didn't get around to it, maybe it was because I thought it would be a 2nd or 3rd choice for some people. Had a quick skim through and by the looks of it I was mistaken, ill get round to reading it when I have the time, but from what i've seen, I think Umaga or Undertaker will get the top tier with the other getting the 2nd tier, Andrew's Gargano for the 3rd tier and I reckon Riley to get the Tag Titles. ​

 

[Fauche]

In a world full of winners and losers, two men have risen above to bring you...


THE UWF ROYAL RUMBLE PRE-SHOW~!


UWF's newest, most radtastic tag-team, The Miz and John Morrison, greet us in a professional looking panel. They waste no time in kicking this shiz off.

Morrison: Hi, I'm John Morrison, and I always get two toys in my happy meal.

Miz: And I'm your chick magnet, The Miz, and tonight we are very excited to grace the UWF with this wonderful pre-show special.

Morrison: We would have liked to have gotten it up sooner, but a good, mutual friend of ours -

Miz: Sean O'Haire? Zach Gowen?


Morrison: Nobody is even going to get that....


Miz: Right...


Morrison: Right. As I was saying, a good mutual friend of ours went through a tough break up with his girlfriend, so beg pardon the tardiness.


Miz: Break-ups suck. Or, at least, I hear that they do. I sure haven't been dumped before. I am the one who dumps.


Morrison: What about Maryse?


Miz: What? Who? I don't even speak French, you know that John. Its a made up language.


Morrison: And as far as I'm concerned, chicks are for gays.


Miz: DT?


Morrison: And without any further outdated references, let's get this started. We will be joined tonight be a variety of very special guests to preview the first pay-per-view of 2014, The Royal Rumble. Tonight also marks the beginning of the infamous Road to Wrestlemania.


Miz: Let's start with what some would call the most personal match, the street fight between brothers Cody Rhodes and Goldust... Rhodes.



Morrison: This Cain and Abel story will be contested in a street fight.


Miz: More like a rhode fight, am I right?


Morrison: Well, you're not wrong.


Miz: Moreso than any words on our part could describe, I find this informative video an apt sum-up of this feud and contest. Let's take us a watch, shall we?





Morrison: Wow.


Miz: That sure was something.


Morrison: Whoever wins, I think its safe to say that ol' Dusty and wife sure screwed the pooch on the kid-raising thing. Those are some messed up progeny.


Miz: They sure are John, they sure are.


Morrison: Moving right along, we next up have the Global Championship match, what I believe to be a game of musical chairs between champion Eddie Guerrero and former two-time champion, Kane. Said fiery demon joins us now.



Kane walks on to screen, joining our magnificent hosts. John Morrison and The Miz stare uncomfortably at their guest as he takes a seat next to them on the panel.

Morrison: Hey there... pal...
Miz: I hear... I hear red is back in this year... so way to be ahead of the curve...

Morrison: Yeah... its gonna be big... big red... machine... that's you... scary man...

Miz: But about this match of yours. Kane versus Eddie Guerrero for the Global Championship some would say he stole from you like... well like a Mexican might. And this is your big chance to get some redemption.

Morrison: It must be nice though...

Miz: What might?

Morrison: Well for Kane hear to be in a match with someone just as insane as he is.

Miz: John! Careful! I'm pretty sure he understands English... even when you whisper it.

Morrison: I'm being sincere here man. Eddie is total lunatic, its well documented. And say what you will about Kane - that's he's a gigantic, pyromaniac, family-killing, live-victim burying, necrophiliac, cultist psychopath - but most of all, he's aware of all that. It's part of the charm, right pal?
Morrison leans over to give Kane a playful slap on the back, but then thinks better of it and casually pulls his hand back and brushes it through his hair, - a nice save if there ever was one. The Miz tries to quickly defuse the tension.

Miz: So you must be excited for your match?

Kane gives John Morrison a warning look and silently indicates to him not to dare put his hand anywhere near him. The Devil’s Favourite Demon is far too big for the tiny chair he has squashed himself onto, and his uncomfortableness shows in his demeanour. Kane turns to the Miz and begins to answer his question.

Kane: Can I first make it clear to anyone who might be wondering why I am sitting on this panel next to two fashionistas such as yourselves, that I am here because it turns out I am contractually obligated to. That being said, no I am not excited about my match at the Royal Rumble. Excitement is not an emotion I am familiar with. You could say I am looking forward to my match with Eddie Guerrero, but excitement conjures up an image to me of giddy child waiting for his weak willed parents to buy him something that he shouldn’t and doesn’t deserve.


I deserve my match with Eddie Guerrero, and he definitely deserves the punishment I am going to dish out on Sunday. Eddie may be a lunatic, he is certainly is deluded, but he will have to delve to new levels of insanity to get inside my head and beat me on Sunday. I am looking forward to getting my belt back, and I am looking forward to wreaking havoc over the Raw roster on the Road to Wrestlemania.

Kane turns and stares at Morrison and The Miz

Kane: Next question.

….Oh, and by the way, I can hear everything you say.

Miz: Sooooo, seems like you're not giving Eddie a hope in hell really...

Morrison: But what about the rest of the card? Any thoughts on who might win the Rumble? And are you worried that the winner might be coming after the Global Championship at Wrestlemania?

Kane flicks away something that was bothering him as he answers Miz and Morrison's second question.

Kane: Oh I’m not saying that my match with Eddie Guerrero won’t be tough, of course it will be. You’ve heard him talk, he wants to destroy me at the Royal Rumble. He is determined to run me down. He will put up a fight, no doubt about it. But brutal, bloody battles are my staple diet in this business, they always have and they always will be. In the end, nature will take its course at the Rumble. And that is the natural dominance of the Devil’s favourite demon.

Who do I think will win the Royal Rumble match? If you are expecting me to say one of you, you can hold your breath. In truth it doesn’t matter. Whoever wins it will have a decision to make. My job is to make sure that when that decision is made, I am standing with the Global Championship around my waist. Everyone thinks of the Royal Rumble as a gateway to the UWF Championship, but in reality it is the Global Championship that I have made and will continue to make the defining Championship in all of UWF. If the winner of the Royal Rumble wants to challenge me at Wrestlemania after I have eviscerated Mr ‘Latino’ Heat, good. But that man would be making the worst decision of his career. I’ve been longing for the Road to Wrestlemania to come around, because it is a time of the year when so many on this brand’s hopes are raised, that this year will be their year, that they will finally get the recognition they think they deserve and grab that spotlight. I love this time of year because I get to destroy those hopes, and crush those dreams under my feet. If you look at who is in the Royal Rumble, it is a selection of men I would love to do battle with at Wrestlemania. There is Dean Ambrose, Mr Kennedy, Reverend D-Von, John Cena, men I have never faced with one on one since I have returned to the UWF. Then you have men I have already taken on and defeated, men like Steve Borden, AJ Styles, and Bray Wyatt. A carnivore prefers fresh meat when he sets out to hunt, so if you really want me to pick a winner, I’ll say it will be somebody out of that first batch of names. But it really is irrelevant. If they decide to pursue me, they will end up just like Eddie Guerrero after I am done with him this Sunday. Dead meat.

Miz swallows one of those deep, scarified swallows.

Miz: Uh.... yeah. Well thanks for joining us tonight Kane. Good luck in your match.

Morrison: Yeah... knock 'em dead.

Miz: Do not encourage him John!

Kane, looking disgusted, walks off set.

Morrison: So, that was something...

Miz: Our next match will feature UWF Champion Matt Morgan defending his title against M.V.P., the Ballin' - ist Superstar if there ever was one.

Morrison: M.V.P. joins us now to discuss his match.

Miz: Welcome!

MVP walks on to the set and takes Kane's vacated seat.

Miz: So.... there's really no easy way to put this... but you, Mr. uh - and please, correct me I am pronouncing this wrong - M... V... P.... you used to be the premier Smackdown champion - Morrison: But you recently lost your title to Matt Morgan -
Miz: The very man you'll be facing once more tonight. Tell us, in your own words if possible-
Morrison: Do you really think you can beat this man? I mean really?

Miz: Really?

Morrison: Really?
Miz: Really really?

Morrison: Reeeeeeaaaalllllllllllllly?

Miz: Cause he's huge.

Morrison: And practically undefeated.

Miz: And he has already beaten you, after all.

Morrison: So just where is it you are drawing this confidence from?

Miz: Hmmmm, yes, and how do you plan to win?

MVP: Well first off homies, thank you for having me on this Pre Show, it is no V.I.P Lounge but it will do for tonight, I'm glad I can give you two something to do tonight, it takes some real skill to not be involved at all on a night that involves a 30 man over the top Royal Rumble. Congrats on that achievement, I'll have my guys call your guys and no doubt I can spare a bit of bling to get engraved for you.
Now second of all, I will answer your question for you, you asked the same question 4 times, it shouldn't be too hard, you actually reminded me of Bert and Ernie when you kept repeating yourselves, too bad they aren't muppets because well, that would be the perfect word to describe both of you. Matt Morgan is huge, yes good to see your Friday Night activities haven't made you both blind, Matt Morgan is undefeated yes and he has beat me before. I plan on overturning this on the simple fact that there is no man better suited to the big occasion then me, Matt Morgan has just beat me in the Normal Season but right now its the Play Offs going into the Superbowl. You think Dan Morino was perfect throughout the season? No he had slip ups and that's what I call Morgans wins over me but I am going to throw the perfect pass, I am going to sink the perfect basket, no matter how big the defender is.

Morrison: Is that... was he... talking about a tennis-er... tennis haver?
Miz: I have no idea.
Morrison: Well... the Fountains of Enlightenment overfloweth, but the stubborn may never fill their cup.

Miz: So, uh... Mr. VP... what do you intend to do differently this time to make sure you walk away from the Royal Rumble with the title? Any special plans?

Morrison: Perhaps you've studied a new technique, one thought to be long lost but that has actually been passed on to you by a wise monk of the True North?

Miz: Or maybe you know some horrible secret, something that could be the undoing of the very fabric of Matt Morgan's psyche?

Morrison: We're not asking you to spill the beans or anything...

Miz: But by all means, spill away.

MVP: What the hell is a Tennis Haver? No idea, you might be able to help me out with that one, hopefully..... oh wait, I know what your talking about, its that game with two paddles isn't it? It's like Beer Pong, now that is a sport MVP loves and lets be honest to ourselves, always wins. I do enjoy playing it but it isn't really that fun when I get 10 straight every single time.

Now MnM, the delightful treat, you want to know what I plan on doing different? Well that's just the million dollar question isn't it? It is quite funny though that by start to finish of you asking that question, I actually earned a million dollars but back to the question, a very good question at that. What do I plan on doing differently, well do I really need to do anything differently? I might give Morgan a prank call the night before, I might find out the hotel Morgan is staying at and get them to spit in his food, he might like that though, I might go to Mama Morgans place and look at some baby photos and abuse him about the way he use to look, that's if they find a camera that could take a photo which had the whole of his lanky arse in it. Funnily enough, I don't plan on doing anything different, you know what they say, third time is a charm and I know what has put me down in the past, I know what I have to avoid where as Morgan, he doesn't know what will put him down, it could be my boot for once, it could be a little Play of The Day or it even could be the Overdrive, I have a little idea what I am going to finish him with but I know the exact move he will try and use to defeat me. It will happen the way I want it and I will be walking out the Champion, hey is it alright if we have a little celebration at the Palace of Wisdom?

Morrison: Hahahahaha.... absolutely not. Not ever. In like, a millions years, even.

Miz: NEXT MATCH!

MVP is quickly ushered off set by one of the crew.

Morrison: Next up is the UWF World Heavyweight Championship match, which will be between Sha-

Miz: Kidd wins it.

Morrison: What?

Miz: Kidd. He's gonna win. There is no doubt in my mind.

Morrison: Alright. What makes you so sure though?

Miz: I dunno, I just like him. Like, I like him a lot. I might even like like him.

Morrison: Oh... oh I see...

Miz: Yeah.... its a thing. Just a thing. I dunno... he's just... that haircut...

Morrison: So Kidd to win?

Miz: You betcha.

Morrison: Fair enough. Next up we have the Rags to Riches match...

Miz: This match will have like, a bunch of winners. Like little league. And no pin falls. Just... um.... multiple briefcases.... or something.

Morrison: Neato.

Miz: Confusing.

Morrison: Not if you actually read the show, I hear.

Miz: Whatever. Joining us now is Trish Stratus, who represents Umaga, a favourite to be at least one of the winners in this bout.

Trish struts her stuff on to screen and takes a seat alongside the greatest tag team in the history of e-feds.

Morrison: Trish Stratus... the only and only... blonde... Canadian... girl... in the UWF... except for Natalya...
Miz: Wait, you're not Natalya? Weird...
Morrison: Hahaha... right?

Miz: Hmmmm....

Morrison: Mmmmhhhmmmmm....

An awkward pause...

Miz: So Trish? Can I call you Trish? I'm gonna go ahead and call your Trish. You're a manager, is that correct?

Morrison: I believe they prefer manageress.

Miz: Interesting. So as UWF's favourite manageress, you must find yourself under a lot of pressure to make sure your clients perform well.

Morrison: Or else...

Miz: Or else what?

Morrison: Who even knows?

Miz: That must be very stressful.

Morrison: I wouldn't know, ask her.

Miz: Well Trish, is it? Stressful, I mean. And how do you expect Umaga to perform in the Rags to Riches match. And let's say, hypothetically, John here had no idea what that match was even about, and... uh... neither did I. Would you care to explain it, just for the heck of it? Not that.. haha... we didn't do any research...

Morrison: Cause we did. A lot. We did a lot. Of research. All the research.

Miz: But why don't you walk the kids at home through it and tell us why homeboy is gonna win? Or, one-quarter win... or... whatever...



Trish: Are you two high or drunk or what? Bur for now I’m in a good mood. So is it stressful? When you’re me it is so easy. It is as easy as AJ Lee. So stress… not at all. And as far as my client Umaga… that is why it is so stress free. I know without a doubt he is going to win it. He is going to dominate it and he is going to capture the briefcase. But for those of you out there watching, and for you two which I’m sure you’ll forget as soon as I explain this match… How it goes is we have four brief cases. One with a world title shot, one with a smaller belt, one with a very unimportant belt, and then one with tag titles. Umaga is going to capture the world title briefcase.
But just know… I’m still considering entering the match just because that is how lax the competition is and I know that if I wanted to I could easily take care of any and all of them. Just a matter of whether I want to get my hands dirty. But Umaga, my client, he will have no problem dealing with this little… “match” if you will. The opposition is laughable at best.

Miz: I like a woman who knows how to take initiative.

Morrison: Hard enough to find one who can spell initiative around here...

Miz: It sure is. So Trish, honey, you firecracker you. You say you may very enter the match? Taking on several men at once? I mean, I know you're used to two or three - with, uh, your clients, I mean - but there could be a dozen other men in there on Sunday. Do you really think you're up for that?

Morrison: Might your participation not be a distraction for that sumo guy of yours? Say he's about to grab a briefcase and all of a sudden you got Matt Bloom coming at you... well... actually... he probably isn't that interested... but there are a lot of other... um... "dangerous" superstars in there... you surfin' what I'm wavin'?

Miz: And let's say you did enter, and you did manage to get a briefcase... do you believe that UWF brass would let you challenge for a championship?

Trish: The UWF brass needs to be able to accept that there is a real woman out there like myself that can not only handle but beat up these so called “superstars” because they are all about nothing. I mean I just sit back and watch them do the same thing over and over again. They are so average right now. I mean Matt Bloom? I managed that guy early in his career. He was destined to be a star but he is so hard headed that all I would have to do is side step him and watch him crash into either someone not paying attention because they so busy watching me bounce or he’ll just hit the ring post or something. Plus… Umaga is trained. He knows not to take his eyes off of the prize. So me being in there would only enhance his chances of winning because we would be a team.

But as far as your little comment goes. Better watch out cause when this firecracker goes off… everyone within the vicinity will likely be hurt from that explosion. You two surfin what I’m wavin? But the rules do simply state that whoever secures a briefcase gets what ever title shot is in it right? It doesn’t specify if it has to be a male or female. So if I do wind up with a briefcase and I don’t get a shot… you better believe that UWF will be going out of business because I will sue them for discrimination and a pretty woman in court always wins against the big bad sexist company.

Trish shows off a slight smile as she awaits the response.

Miz: Well, I can tell you're confident.

Morrison: And confidence is key.

Miz: It sure is. So how about a bet then?

Morrison: A wager, even.

Miz: If you or your... uh... client wins a suitcase in this match, then I will take you out for a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which we can cruise back to my place and watch some old Gene Kiniski tapes and see where things go.

Morrison: But if neither of you score a briefcase...

Miz: Then YOU take ME out for a romantic candle-lit dinner, ater which we can cruise back to YOUR place and... um... do yoga or whatever you got going on there.

Morrison: Sounds like a fair bet to me.

Miz: So what's it gonna be stratus? Are you man enough for a little gamble?

Trish: Look at me. Do I look like a man? I’d be the sexiest man alive but I’m not a man and as far as your little wager… I have given it some thought and I’ve come up with an even better wager. How about when my client wins, we cash it in and win ourselves a belt. Because there isn’t going to be a loss on our part. But if either of you two have a thing against it then…

Trish makes a motion with her hand as Umaga steps up behind her.

Trish: Then my client will display to you two right now what he plans to do to each of those “competitors” come match time. Thank you for your time boys. We should do this again.

Trish gets up from her seat and waves at Miz and JoMo as she and Umaga leave the set.

Miz: I think I like her John. Like, I think I like like her.

Morrison: Apparently you like like everyone.

Miz: That's fair. Finally we have the match everybody came to see, The Royal Rumble match. We've asked Dean Ambrose to join us to give his thoughts on the match.

Miz: So... Dean Ambrose... Dean... Deany Dean Dean...
Morrison: I once heard you can never trust a man with two first names.

Miz: I don't even have one first name...

Morrison: Hence our obvious chemistry, my friend. But I digress -

Miz: As do I. Dean. Ambrose. The boy on fire.

Morrison: The boy on fire... and with curly hair. And a leather coat.

Miz: Not bit on animal rights then?

Morrison: Doesn't seem like it. But a shoe-in to win the Royal Rumble, according to my sources.

Miz: Reliable sources?

Morrison: No more or less than most.

Miz: Fascinating!

Morrison: Isn't it?

Miz: So Dean...

Morrison: Dean... Ambrose...

Miz: Ya gonna win it or what?

Morrison: And why should we trust the answer of a two first-named man? Dean... Ambrose?
Miz: Wait, before you go though, is Ambrose even a first name, John?

Morrison: Of course it is. I had a teacher in elementary school... well, he wasn't my teacher, but he was a teacher at my school... and his name was Mr. Ambrose.
Miz: So Ambrose wasn't his fist name?

Morrison: Well his first name sure wasn't Mr! Is your first name "The"?

Miz: ...

Morrison: Just answer the question Dean.

The camera pans over, but Dean Ambrose is nowhere to be found. Instead, in his place is...

Miz: Can it be?

Morrison: Oh my goodness! I think it is!

CARIBOU SKULL: IT IS I, THE CARIBOU SKULL! I HAVE RETURNED FROM THE NETHERREALM!

Miz: We are only just barely worthy.

Morrison: Enlighten us, oh great one.

CARIBOU SKULL: I HAVE TRAVELLED TO THE FUTURE, A WORLD CONTROLLED BY ROMANTIC AND EMOTIONALLY FLAWED ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE AND ALSO CHOW YUN FAT. FROM THE PEAKS OF THE BURNING MOUNTAIN I HAVE SEEN THE WINNER OF THE ROYAL RUMBLE AND ALSO THE SUPER BOWL AND NCAA MARCH MADNESS TOURNAMENT OF 2014. WHAT I SAY IS TRUE. DARE YOU BELIEVE?

Miz: Well... I mean... dare you believe? That's not really our thing.

Morrison: We're going more for a "Be Jealous" sort of vibe.

Miz: Plus, the Superbowl already happened. Everybody knows who won.

Morrison: And Daniel Bryan is pretty much a sure shot for the Rumble, isn't he?

Miz: And who even watches college basketball? Canadians?

CARIBOU SKULL: YOU INSULT MY GREAT WISDOM.

Miz: Not our intention, but... well... ya know...

Morrison: We're just sayin'...

Miz: At this point its al kinda like telling people what happened at the end of Lost, right?

Morrison: Right!

CARIBOU SKULL: WRONG!

Miz: Hey man, I'd love to sit here and argue all night...

Morrison: But we're all out of time. Sorry... amigo.

Miz: Thanks for tuning in, good luck to all the superstars tonight, but then again, if you need luck, you must suck.

Morrison: We are the undefeated and only real ETW Unified Tag Team Champions (look that shit up) and future Undisputed UWF Tag Team Champions (book that shit up).

Miz: Be jealous.

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TONIGHT'S SPECIAL IS DEDICATED TO MY FAVOURITE ACTOR OF ALL TIME

RIP PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN



AN AMAZINGLY TALENT MAN
ALL Y'ALL MAKE SURE YA STAY OFF THE DRUGS, K?

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Meant to have this up earlier today. Been busy. Huge thanks to all the guys who put time in and did promos for this. You're all amazing. Stoked on the Rumble. Stay fresh.

- Love Fauche​