Hello fellow Smarks, this week's edition of Tuesday Night Raw has been posted and is in the books which means it's time for everyone's favorite review column, The Hoov Is Cookin'. Of course I'm kidding, because Hoov reviews WWE and I review UWF, just thought I'd use my column to plug his since it's something new he started up this week. The return of these reviews, I'm happy to say, has been met with positive feedback. The comments on them have been positive, the post itself gets likes, I've even been repped once. To that I say thank you for welcoming this to the UWF fold, and for being so supportive, it motivates me to continue and makes these articles easier to write.
While I'm giving out thank you's, it's only appropriate that I show my appreciation in regards to the UWF Monthly Awards for May. Thank you for nominating me for Champion of the Month, and thank you to the three that voted for me. Thank you also for nominating me for Best Trashtalker of the Month, and thank you to the four that voted for me. I am pleased to share that award with Lewb. Ironic that the two men that tied for Best Trashtalker of the Month are facing off at Starrcade with the Undisputed Championship on the line, isn't it?
On top of the thanks, I'd like to issue some well-deserved congratulations. Congratulations to Sam, Hoov, and CaptainXBurnout on their three-way tie for Most Underrated Trashtalker of the Month, and congratulations to Tapout for being nominated. Congratulations to Cwalker on being voted the Writer of the Month, and congratulations to RawisRey for being nominated. Congratulations to Cwalker on writing the Match of the Month, and to Hoov and CaptainBurnout on being the men in that match. Congratulations to the writers of the Backlash Fatal-Four-Way and Ryder vs. Christian for being nominated.
Congratulations to Chriss for winning the OMG! Moment of the Month with your cash-in, and congratulations to MrFetter for being nominated for the arrival of the NWO, congratulations that extend to Aniking since he joined the NWO before the month was over. Congratulations to Cwalker on being named Most Helpful of the Month, and congratulations to Aniking and RawisRey on being nominated. Congratulations to Cwalker on being named Member of the Month, and congratulations to RawisRey on being nominated. Congratulations to Lewbrication and Sam on being named the Tag Team of the Month, and congratulations to EoR and RawisRey on being nominated.
Congratulations to Got_Swag for being named Most Improved of the Month, and congratulations to CaptainxBurnout for being nominated. Congratulations to CaptainxBurnout on being named the Raw Superstar of the Month, and congratulations to RawisRey and Lewb on being nominated. And I've already mentioned the Champion of the Month and Best Trashtalker of the month categories, but not entirely. Congratulations to Sam and CaptainxBurnout on being named the Champions of the Month, and congratulations to Lewb for being nominated. And lastly, congratulations to Lewb on also being named Best Trashtalker of the Month and congratulations to RawisRey for being nominated.
Since I brought up Starrcade earlier, let me extend my apologies for not trash talking for that match yet. I assure you, Cwalker, that you did not make a wrong decision in making me your Champ and you can count on me to trash talk for my matches. I unfortunately just haven't had the time to spare this week, but don't worry C, and don't worry Rattlesnake fans, there's a trash talk coming and it's going to show you exactly why I'm the Champ!
One more matter of business to attend to before things get underway is Showdown of Dreams. In my third TT, I did some in-character shooting in regards to many of the participants no-showing the event. I was pleased with the material that came out of it, and it came from real frustration at the lousy turn-out, but I want to apologize if I offended anyone with it, because I know some of you guys had valid reason for not showing up or having many trash talks to offer, and I don't blame you for it. Anyhoo, it was fun to go up against Rey, he proved to me in that trash talking session why he is one of the best, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I feel he won the exchange. Not sure when Showdown of Dreams is going up, but I'm looking forward to it, as Rock/Dinero, Austin/JBL, and the Hell In A Cell matches are going to be incredible and the Hall of Fame is going to be awesome.
Now that all of this has been said, I'm not a doctor but I play one on the internet, and this is my prescription for all your wrestling needs, The Dresden Dose!
(Seriously, I don't mind this picture, but one of you GFX guys please make me an official graphic)
UWF Raw opens with Jerry "The King" Lawler and Michael "I'm Not Sure What Was Worse To Be Put Through Onscreen, The Implied Rape By Heidenreich Years Ago Or The Near Nude Barbeque Bath Monday Night" Cole welcoming us to the show. Cole plugs the fact that there was a draft and UWF now has two brands, as King boasts about Raw getting to keep not only the Undisputed Champion but the number one contender to the Undisputed Championship and the number one contender to the United States Championship. He actually said their names, but it sounds more prestigious an accomplishment when you go the extra mile.
Cole reminds us that Rhodes, Barrett, and Austin will all be in action tonight, which isn't entirely accurate, as suddenly, "Badass" by Saliva begins to play which means the Texas Rattlesnake is on his way to the ring.
STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN PROMO
Austin comes out and stops to take the time to pose with his championship before making his way down the ramp. Stone Cold enters the ring, showing displeasure at the fact that Justin Roberts didn't introduce him. As Roberts tries to correct his mistake, he gets shoved down and the Champ takes his microphone away. Stone Cold verbally berates him and goes for an attack, but Roberts escapes the ring in enough time to avoid it.
Stone Cold goes on to mock the crowd for thinking he was actually going to take the night off, addressing the results of the Beat the Clock Challenge from the week before, berating all of the participants before addressing the winner and talking about their match at Starrcade. Austin talks a bit of trash at Barrett's expense and leaves the ring.
Last week when I wrote that massive show opening promo, I did it early in the week. When I wrote this promo, it was the day before the show, if not the day of, and I think it shows in the quality, whether you compare one to the other or observe either singularly. This wasn't that great a promo, and since no one talked about it in the comments I'm guessing you agree, but it's still cool to be granted the chance to open the show two consecutive weeks.
COMMERCIAL ONE
Raw's first commercial of the night is for AJ Lee. I'll admit, WWE has surprised me with what they've done with her. Back on NXT, her thing was she was a nerd and a gamer. There wasn't a character to it, just things they mentioned about her personality. Then she was put on Smackdown in a team with Kaitlyn where they floundered until they made her a love interest for Daniel Bryan, a decision I was skeptical of because of how badly the Gail Kim/Daniel Bryan dynamic flopped, but it worked out a lot better for her and now she's got the role of a touched in the head scorned ex, kind of like Rose from Two and a Half Men.
AJ appears in C.M. Punk gear since it's recently been teased that she has a thing for him as the commercial promotes that she is the official diva of UWF Raw, meaning we'll be seeing a lot of AJ from this point forward, a decision I'm okay with since she's easy to look at.
RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL: MONTEL VONTAVIOUS PORTER PROMO
Back from commercial, the camera cuts away to what appears to be a pre-taped segment filmed earlier in the day in the parking lot. A car comes speeding up, and the man behind the wheel is none other than MVP, who informs everyone that he has arrived by honking the horn, drawing attention to himself and the vehicle. MVP honks the horn until he finds a parking spot that we later see is reserved for him, and UWF Raw's Highest Paid Superstar looks ready to celebrate as he grabs a champagne set along with his luggage before making his way toward the entrance to the arena.
Todd Grisham requests an interview with the Ballin' Superstar, and his wish is granted as MVP sets down everything he's carrying and gets the interview underway by questioning why Grisham is the only one there to greet him and announces that even though he went against his traditional traveling arrangements and drove himself to the arena and rode solo, that night it would be business as usual with his limo driver there to pick him up with beautiful women in tow. Tonight he was going to celebrate, what exactly he doesn't say. Todd asks MVP about what happened last week, suggesting things didn't go his way.
MVP reassures Todd that things went exactly as he planned, because Anderson was laid out at the end of the night and MVP wasn't. And instead of being upset that he doesn't get to compete for the Undisputed Championship at Starrcade, MVP looks on the bright side and boasts about getting to watch the pay-per-view on his plasma television surrounded by women and claims that by doing this, he'll make more than Austin and Barrett will competing in the main event. Grisham asks for MVP's thoughts on his match against Barrett later, to which MVP responds that although Wade's confidence concerns him, he will make the SuperEgo regret accepting the challenge. MVP then makes Grisham carry his luggage.
I've seen a few portrayals of MVP in my e-fed career, and I can honestly say that albo's is the best out of all of them. He's got the brash cockiness down, he's got the calm demeanor down, and the things he says are believable, making it easy to take him seriously. I don't know about you guys, but I could hear MVP's voice when I read this promo, that is the mark of accurate portrayal. It could also be a symptom of schizophrenia, but if that's the case I'll just start playing Mankind again.
MATCH ONE: WILLIAM REGAL VS. C.M. PUNK
I had high hopes when TorqueX not only registered an account with this forum, but signed up to participate in the e-fed and picked up C.M. Punk. But alas, so far I have been let down. I stayed on him regarding this match, and his response had me hopeful he would show up and trash talk, but it didn't play out that way. I'm not making excuses for him, if anything I'm apologizing for talking up a signing that has so far resulted in no pay off, it's embarassing.
On a lighter note, I am pleased to see Doink back as William Regal, and having Punk simply not show up instead of having him squashed was a refreshing approach to the situation. Doesn't make up for the fact that there was a no-show, but that's not Doink or Cwalker's fault. I don't suppose it's my fault either, but I do feel accountable, sorry guys.
POST-MATCH PROMO
After the referee counts to ten and Regal is awarded the victory, he heads backstage as the camera cuts away to another area of the backstage. Standing by is Todd Grisham, who thinks he's getting an interview with Drew McIntyre, but he's wrong. Instead it's a trick set up by the man he's actually going to interview, Drew's tag team partner Cody Rhodes. Cody reveals that McIntyre won't be seen in UWF for quite some time, if he's ever seen again, and that's all thanks to Rhodes. Cody asks Todd why he is never listed on the match card as getting promo time, as if Grisham is the head booker.
Todd goes to answer but Cody cuts him off, expanding on his question by explaining why he's deserving of the time, and inquires on top of what he already asked why he has to go into business for himself and steal a microphone to get the time to be heard, asking Todd if he's ever noticed that all of his promos are in the ring when he cuts them. Rhodes answers his own question and goes on a tirade about how unfair it is that he, the first UWF Champion, gets held down and held back while people like Austin and Ryder are given the recognition.
Cody deduces it is because of what was done to his face, but claims that despite all this he is thankful. As Todd goes to respond, Rhodes proves Austin isn't the only one willing to put his hands on non-wrestlers as he headbutts Grisham to the ground. Rhodes states there is nothing that can be done to stop him from taking over UWF, and that his face will be seen everywhere. Then he closes out this with his signature line.
Rey has such a beautiful way of conveying the tortured, psychologically deteriorating, vengeful mastermind that is the character of Masked Cody Rhodes. I love watching the development of this character as the weeks go by and reading what he says as well as seeing what he does. He and Austin are two uncontrollable forces, with Rhodes attacking Grisham and Austin getting physical with Justin Roberts for the second week in a row, Cody's just more discrete about the fact that he's a loose cannon. By the way, thanks for explaining the significance of Cody Rhodes 6:25.
COMMERCIAL TWO
Raw's second commercial of the night is an advertisement for the debut edition of their rival, UWF's second brand Friday Night Smackdown, which, by the way, went up early so after I finish up this article I'm going to immediately begin my Smackdown review. Honestly, Undisputed Champion or not, I'm surprised I wasn't drafted to the blue brand since it's where I've spent much of my career as Austin. However, I am pleased to still be on Tuesday nights, and for those of you that pay attention to UWF.com, I'll still be appearing on Friday nights, without being drafted.
For the fourth time in my e-fed career, I will be portraying Sting. Will it be Joker Sting? Will it be the Icon? Or will I change it up and be The Crow Sting? Maybe The Wolfpac Sting? Or maybe, just maybe, I'll be e-fedding's first Surfer Sting. Logically, it probably wouldn't be the first, but out of you guys I've been TT'ing with these past few years, I have yet to see it done. Then again, I might be regular old Steve Borden. You'll have to wait until next week's Smackdown to find out, because I wasn't going to write my promo until tonight, what with this scattered week of car problems and drama, but the show went up early and as a result, no Sting.
By the way, I concur, you guys do need a banner. Maybe you have one for the show itself, I haven't read it yet so I don't know. Speaking of banners, Raw has a new one, at least on the roster, that features yours truly, the former Undisputed Champion Austin Aries, and the number one contender to the Undisputed Championship Wade Barrett. Who says three's a crowd?
RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL: CHRISTIAN PROMO
Back from commercial, we find ourselves backstage once again, this time with Todd Grisham nowhere to be found. Instead, there stands Christian, the newest member of the NWO, standing in silence, both because he's not yet speaking and the fact that he can't hear the crowd booing him mercilessly. He smirks, then begins to speak.
Christian begins with discussing the question on everyone's mind, why did he join the NWO? He shares what others are speculating before revealing the true reason, he and Orton believe in the same things, bringing down power hungry men like Teddy Long who do whatever they want and deny deserving men like Christian shots at the top tier championship. He brings up being put in a match with Ryder instead of being included in the Beat the Clock Challenge, and states again that things like this are why he joined the NWO, to make sure guys like he and Orton get what they deserve, title matches.
Christian claims that NWO or no NWO, he will eventually become Undisputed Champion, and to prove his point he will beat one of the participants of the Fatal Four-Way at Backlash, Chris Jericho. Aniking's portrayal of Christian is refreshing, he's not overbearingly cocky or ridiculously super whiny, it's the perfect balance and makes for an enjoyable read.
MATCH TWO: CHRISTIAN VS. CHRIS JERICHO
While the first match was simply a count-out because only one of the participants actually trash talked for it, this match was the complete opposite, and was a hard fought competition rewarding these two men for their participation. I won't review the match itself, I never do, but I will say that it is worth reading and kudos to the writer. Orton is popping up everywhere costing people matches, last week with the John Cena/Bully Ray match, this week with Christian's match against Chris Jericho. I like the fact that it keeps happening because it establishes that there is strength among the faction, but I can also see how it would get old and predictable if the writers went to the well too many times with it.
COMMERCIAL THREE
Well, well, ask and you shall receive. Raw's third commercial of the night is for the UWF exclusive review column, The Dresden Dose, which you're of course reading right now and loving every sentence of. By viewing this commercial that I'm speaking of, you'll notice that I am not the only one that feels this article needs a banner, so again I ask that one of you graphics guys that loves The Dresden Dose makes me an official banner. I'd be your best friend, I might also give you a Stone Cold Stunner, but that's to be expected. Thanks for the commercial spot, guys!
RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL: MR. ANDERSON PROMO
Back from commercial, we are backstage once more, and this time we are joined by a backstage interviewer. Not Todd Grisham, he's still recovering from Cody's attack, instead it's the star of "Are You Serious?" and former Tough Enough contestant that I believe wrestled all of one match on WWE television, Josh Mathews!
Josh runs down Anderson, referring to the fact that he wasn't drafted to Smackdown and wasn't booked in a match on this week's Raw, among other things, leading Anderson to give him a look suggesting he'd Mic Check him right there. Josh took Anderson up on his offer to scram and Anderson now stood alone. Anderson takes a dig at UCW before going on a rant regarding backstage politics affecting his entire career, bringing up getting screwed over in last week's Beat the Clock Challenge. He claims he's not complaining, instead he's standing by with his ring gear, like he'll do every week, waiting to compete, and then he's coming for the Undisputed Champion.
Anderson is then seemingly rushed off camera in an effort to silence him, but manages to get in that it doesn't matter if it's MVP, Barrett, or Austin, he's coming for them. Killz, this promo reminds me why it's so good to have you back, your Mr. Anderson is on point. If you become number one contender, just like Aniking, albo, and anyone else that wants a shot at the Champ, I will welcome the challenge.
MATCH THREE: WADE BARRETT VS. MVP
After Mr. Anderson is finished with his promo, the focus returns to the ring, where it is time for the next contest of the evening. If you guys want to see a war of a match, look no further than this one right here. Matches like this are why, consistently, Raw feels like a weekly pay-per-view due to its length and its quality. I really enjoyed this one, Barrett is certainly looking like a viable threat to the Undisputed Championship, that's for sure.
When all is said and done and a winner is crowned, Wade exits the ring and makes his way to the backstage as MVP remains inside, looking disappointed that after putting up such a fight, he was unable to pick up the victory. Suddenly the music of the Raw General Manager begins to play and out comes Teddy Long, wasting no time in getting down to business.
Teddy tells MVP not to be discouraged, because although he lost tonight, so far he's living up to his lucrative contract and that impresses Teddy. So he's going to reward him with a number one contender's match for the Undisputed Championship at Starrcade, against the man he viciously assaulted post-match the week before, Mr. Anderson!
Anderson comes out and plays to the crowd, introducing himself as if he were about to compete in the match that night, proclaiming to be the next Undisputed Champion. This is certainly an interesting playing field. Chriss is entitled to a rematch whenever he's able to, Aniking has made his intentions of coming after me clear, I have to go through Lewb at Starrcade, and if I'm successful I'll have either Killz or albo waiting for me. As I said earlier, I welcome all challenges!
COMMERCIAL FOUR
Raw's fourth commercial of the night is for WWE's three disc DVD set, Randy Orton: The Evolution of a Predator. Unfortunately, unless I'm reading a UWF show, the only thing I can think of when I think of Randy Orton is his current suspension and his WWE future being up in the air. I'm glad they aren't showing preferential treatment to the guy, but I think it's more likely he'll be forced to sit out longer than sixty days rather than getting released. If he slips up again, no question, but not for this violation, especially with the lack of roster depth they constantly panic over.
As for the DVD set itself, I do not own it and have not viewed it. No particular reason, as I have nothing against Orton, it's just not one of the sets I rushed out to get. The Austin set, yes. The Rock set, yes. The Edge set, yes. The Orton one? No, but I would like to have it in my collection. I expect good things from it, especially considering it is the backdrop for tonight's show. Could that have been influential in deciding to have him run in and cost Jericho his match against Christian?
RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL: ANTONIO CESARO PROMO
Roster depth is certainly something UWF isn't suffering from, I mean look at the diversity we have going on. Returning from commercial, we are backstage with Antonio Cesaro, who, in the third person, refers to his successful title defense the week before and how The Miz is no longer on Raw, something he feels occurred due to him. He is displeased with the fact that he must defend his European Championship again so soon after defending it against Miz, mentioning the 30 Day Defense Rule, and mentions he feels it's due to discrimination pertaining to his nationality.
He goes on to comment on his match with Cody Rhodes, wishing him luck at Starrcade before promising him defeat tonight. He states he is very European and better than everyone, then leaves. It makes me happy to see that Sam has found someone else he can play long term aside from Shark Boy and Sheamus. I hope that when he loses the European Championship, whenever that is, he sticks with Cesaro because there's so much more to be done.
MATCH FOUR: ANTONIO CESARO VS. CODY RHODES
I would love to see these two feud, especially since Rhodes will become the new United States Champion soon due to The Wrestling Addict's leave of absence. U.S. Champion versus European Champion, Rhodes versus Cesaro, Sam versus Rey. In what may be the best match of the night, Cody and Antonio prove the point I just made, that a feud between these two would be gold. Cesaro picks up the victory, this week without assistance, and there's no sign of The Miz either so it's a nicely done match with a clean finish.
By the way, sorry if there are any of you that were unaware of The Wrestling Addict's leave of absence and are now spoiled on the outcome of the United States Championship match at Starrcade. But he came out and said he'd be leaving for a short time due to PC issues, so, as Aniking pointed out, it is now impossible to do a storyline and everyone knows what's going to happen. I'm sure it'll still be a competitive match, even with RiR the only one able to TT.
COMMERCIAL FIVE
Raw's fifth commercial of the night is for Chipotle, which is apparently what Cwalker had for lunch, which means to make this Raw possible, Randy Orton tag teamed with Chipotle and as a result, we have an awesome, albeit sizeable, show to read and enjoy. Thank you, Randy Orton and Chipotle!
RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL: EDGE VS. RANDY ORTON
The pattern has been broken, ladies and gentlemen, as we are back from commercial and there is no promo to cut away to. Instead, it is time for the maaaaiiiiinnnnn event, Randy Orton, who we were just talking about, versus Edge. After reading this match, I feel I may have to retract my statement regarding Rhodes/Cesaro being the match of the night, because this one was awesome. Despite Spears galore, Edge is handed his second consecutive loss and the leader of the NWO remains dominant and oozing with momentum.
Post-match, Orton looks to punt Edge, but before he can, Christian makes the save! Is this a premature dissolution of the NWO? No, because Christian whispers something in Randy's ear, provoking him to get a microphone. Randy warns Edge that he could end his career that night but Christian has given him a better idea, to let the newest member of the New World Order make a statement. Wait a second, newest member? Chipotle? No it is not Chipotle, but indeed it is now a trio, as Cody Rhodes runs down to the ring and, with the assistance of his stablemates, delivers Cross Rhodes to Edge!
A can of spray paint is retrieved from under the ring by Orton, but this time Rhodes gets to do the honors as the letters "NWO" are sprayed on the back of the Rated R Superstar and the duo that is now a trio poses together to close the show.
OVERALL THOUGHTS
Like I said, Raw feels like a weekly pay-per-view, every week it gets bigger and better, and every week I get more and more excited to review it. I'm not sure if the NWO will remain a trio or expand, if they do I hope they only add one more member. Aniking, Rey, and MrFetter certainly make up quite the team, and have the entire e-fed world talking about what they'll do next. EoR has vowed to be the man that will take them down with the assistance of a tag team partner, so that has me even more interested in where this faction will go.
If I was still a face, I'd probably be going to war with them, likely getting beat down here and there, but since I'm a heel I'm not sure what'll happen, if we even cross paths. I mean yeah, Orton gave me an RKO but that was it, he did the real damage to Aries, so maybe there'll be no bad blood at all, then again maybe there'll be tons of bad blood. Or maybe...never mind. Let's tackle next week's Raw, shall we?
MATCH ONE: C.M. PUNK VS. STONE COLD
I have informed TorqueX of this match, whether or not he shows up to trash talk for it remains to be seen. Either way, I have something in store for the thread that is sure to make you guys look forward to next week's Raw and will inspire the writer to make the contest something special.
MATCH TWO: EDGE VS. CHRIS JERICHO
After being pummeled by Austin, beaten by Orton, and humiliated by the NWO, Edge has got to be hungry to prove that he's still got what it takes to compete. His opponent this week? A man that also had NWO meddle in his affairs, Chris Jericho. When these two Canadians and former tag team partners do battle, who will be victorious, and will the New World Order factor into it?
MATCH THREE: RANDY ORTON VS. MVP
Irony smiles on the Ballin' Superstar, because though he failed to beat Orton's time and win the Beat the Clock Challenge, he now finds himself with a shot at the number one contendership that Orton does not. Will this confidence boost lead him to victory or will MVP be the next victim of the NWO's attack?
MATCH FOUR: WILLIAM REGAL VS. MR. ANDERSON
Regal is likely fuming from getting such a fluke win in his UWF debut. Just as angry is Mr. Anderson, who feels like backstage politics are after him, even though he now has a number one contendership match. Will Anderson pick up momentum heading into Starrcade or will the Power of the Punch be his downfall?
MATCH FIVE: EUROPEAN REVOLUTION VS. NWO
Holy pay-per-view quality main event, Batman! This week, the only two stables/tag teams in UWF go toe-to-toe in what promises to be no match, but instead guarantees to be a war. Cesaro and Barrett are looking for momentum heading into their respective title matches, while Rhodes looks for momentum heading into his and Christian seeks momentum for his match with Jericho. With all four men dominant in recent weeks, who will be the victor?
PROMOS
The NWO will discuss Starrcade and their future, Chris Jericho and Edge will discuss their respective plans for the future, and Stone Cold and Wade Barrett will come face-to-face for the first time since Backlash(if you don't count the staredown last week) and the first time before Starrcade(again, if you don't count the staredown) for a contract signing!
Well guys, I hope you enjoyed this massive read, each week it seems there's more to cover but that's alright, because as long as you keep reading I will keep writing. On my way to review Smackdown. Until next time, the doctor is out!
