Sky "enjoys" the TNA Immortal Era

[Sky]

Genesis 2011 - Invisible Touch (She Reaches In, And Grabs A Hold Of Your PPV Money)​

The opening package for this is a real treat, in that it's mostly made up of the interviews we saw on the go-home, and it features zero reference to the fact that the main event's backstory has been based on concussion protocol. The signs in the crowd include the usual "I came a long way to watch this company" from a foreign fan, and "Lesnar Fears jarrett". So on the chain of command, it's Lesnar < jarrett < person slightly taller than jarrett. "The battle for power rages on" -did you know that in WCW 2000, half the storylines were about "control" or "power"? Just something to note.

Match 1: Jay Lethal (c) vs. Kazarian - for the X Division Championship​

"No limits X DIvision", as in "no limits as to how far it can sink". Like, I find it hard to give the slightest shit about the X Division when I've watched Robbie E be its champion. Lethal hits a standing hurricanrana (with the pin), though, so that's a good start. "Eric Bischoff has these boys in an extreme pressure cooker" -I'm shocked "Extreme Pressure Cooker" isn't the name of a gimmick match. Maybe in a giant pressure cooker. Lethal manages to stop himself before bumping the ref. "That was ugly, but that was nasty" -Taz, somehow not realising those two aren't normally mutually exclusive. Apparently this is on internet PPV in the US... That's right, screw you, WWE Network. TNA did it first!

Lethal slingshots himself in to take a cutter... What? It wasn't even sold like an "outta nowhere" move like the RKO; the slingshot was apparently part of the kayfabe setup to take an opponent's move. Seems like they're re-burying the concussion thing, seeing as they draw attention to how great it is that Lethal's moves all seem set to damage the back of Kaz's head. Fade to Black off the top rope is teased but denied, then there's a ref bump (because OF FUCKING COURSE, they weren't going to tease one without giving us one, right?). Kaz crotches Lethal on the ropes, then lands Fade to Black on the mat, and that's it. New X Division Champion - Kazarian. He celebrates like he earned it and it means the world to him, which has to be disingenuous.

Tenay and Taz talk about the Immortal belt quest and concussion stuff (oh, there it is) a bit, and I realise something. TNA really doesn't care about its Knockouts at this point. If it did, you'd have Knockouts representatives in Immortal. Then they announce AJ Styles is injured and can't compete. But they don't announce it, they have a backstage segment where Bischoff trashes AJ for not being able to wrestle and for caring about his child. This looks - to someone in January 2011 who doesn't know where this is going - like a setup to break AJ from Fortune. Thank goodness, we're going to have more than one viable top face now!

Match 2: Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James - for the Knockouts Championship​

A very cool debut - the vocal version of Killa Queen! Taz talks about letting the pigeons loose, and notes that Mickie's braided-and-feathered gear makes her look like some pigeons have been let loose on her. New commentary banter highlight: talking about referee Andrew Thomas' future as a hand model. He'll need the work, as he won't be in TNA for much longer. Discussion of Mickie James' boots leads to the second unexpected John Nord reference in this rewatch. After several minutes in which barely anything happens, Madison gets "You can't wrestle" chants. It can also be said that "You won't wrestle".

"She's got a lovely voice", says Taz, as Madison screams "COME ON!!" at the referee. Madison does a little hop in the air for no reason. Even Taz is confused. She later does a similar hop, which is followed through with a taunt. Maybe it makes some sense. I don't know. This match is mostly restholds and Madison cheating anyway. For the first time I've seen, someone actually counters the humping facebuster. Mickie makes the mistake of interrupting her finisher to look at Tara coming to the ring and confront her, and Madison uses the distraction to hit her with a loaded MMA glove for the screwy finish. This feud, sadly, is continuing.

Christy interview number 1 is with Fortune and Eric Bischoff. Kazarian gives a self-congratulatory promo - I Won The Recent Match? - before heading off to let Bisch speak. Abyss is replacing AJ Styles in the TV Championship match, but we don't know who's facing RVD, still. All we know is, Immortal are Going To Win The Upcoming Matches. One of the "tag lines" is "Two Best Tag Teams In Wrestling Today" - you know, Bad Intentions beat Beer Money in Japan recently. Does that mean they're better?

Match 3: Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) (c) vs. Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

"Ric Flaw" -Taz. Actually, he's messing up constantly during the entrances and early match, making Tenay wonder if he's been drinking. They go for the early long staredown. Instant big match feel: just add staredown. Taz blames the slow start for how far off his game he's been. Then, what's the explanation for the rest of your TNA tenure? See, now Shelley just did a kick to the gut and you're talking about Storm's beer gut. "Like a freight train, he didn't hear" -well, at least, that's an accurate simile, because freight trains can't hear. Unless we're in some sort of fucked up Thomas the Tank Engine world. You'll notice I'm not talking much about the match. That's because it's very middling, especially for teams of this calibre, being an extended heat segment so far.

We get screwy stuff early on, but the big one is midway through, as Roode pulls Sabin away before he can receive a hot tag. You know, if Brian Hebner were a good referee, he'd have allowed the hot tag. Just to punish Beer Money for blatant cheating. He doesn't, and they continue to dominate. Finally, Shelley counters the catapult/DDT thing by just giving Storm a hard forearm. Sabin breaks his own pin rather than letting Storm do it for him. We get a new cool tag move: Shelley gets on Sabin's shoulders, then delivers a tornado DDT. I like the innovation.

"Where'd he come from?" -Tenay on Chris Sabin, who was clearly shown seconds earlier climbing the apron. Referee distraction, and beer-spit-to-spinebuster combo, feels like it's something that should finish the match but doesn't. Maybe it's because I expect little of this company in 2011. Skull and Bones has it won before Storm pulls away the referee. How is that not a DQ?! Sabin kicks out of the DWI, somehow. Guess we can expect a Storm/Roode breakup next Impact for that reason? Or not, because Roode baits Sabin into giving a big boot to his own partner (right in the face) and rolling him up with a handful of tights. New World Tag Team Champions - Beer Money, Inc.. Sabin looks betrayed, as if he didn't just make the mistake.

It's time for another Christy interview, and it's Devon this time. He's Going To Win The Upcoming Match, but first he has to fit in a cheap pop ("Right here, in Orlando" - doesn't really work when you're there every week).

Match 4: Bully Ray vs. Devon​

Bully Ray's looking way more trim, but he's billed at his old weight of 305 lbs. He avoids the match starting by rolling out when Devon approaches, and then committing yet another act of SoCal Val abuse (why do you do this, Bully? Oh, right, your name). This time, Val gets a nice little slap in, which the camera seems to miss completely. Brawl on the outside ensues, featuring such deadly weapons as a disposable water bottle, a drinks can (that shatters, somehow), and Bully Ray's own jacket. When the match officially starts, the whiter Dudley Boy begs for mercy, then goes for a low blow. Good heel stuff!

Bully leaves, and Devon follows him - because this is ECW TNA, dammit! Actually, the ensuing brawl on the stairs is pretty damn ECW, with the referee having to abandon the idea of a countout early on, and Devon grabs a shoe and smashes it off his brother's head. To the sound of "use the shoe" chants, that is. Fuck, I love wrestling. Bully takes control after an eye rake, which really feels out of nowhere, especially considering the amount of head trauma Devon's inflicted to him. Devon hits him with a spinebuster, but is knocked back with a huge amount of recoil, for some reason. Superplex, and it feels like the ring should explode at this point, but it doesn't. Maybe I'm conditioned to expect that from two big guys.

Bully attempts to use his chain, but Devon dodges it and comes back. Devon, apparently consumed by the madness of wanting to beat up Bully and unable to remember that he wants to win against Bully, then uses the chain and gets DQ'd! It takes a dozen men to separate them, and that doesn't even work!

Christy Interview 3 (With A Vengeance) is with Jeff jarrett. He trashes Kurt Angle's MMA record as non-existent (which it is, literally). He should have referenced Daniel Puder, that would have made this entire promo and convinced me that keeping this guy on is worthwhile. But sadly, no. "You haven't been in the ring for six-months" -jarrett. Fun fact: October to January is six months!

Match 5: Douglas Williams (c) vs. Abyss - for the Television Championship​

You know, it's sad AJ Styles got injured, because I no longer have any reason to care about this match. I doubt there's any way Doug's skilled mat work is able to shine against a man so big and rigid. The camera guys are definitely getting better at recovering when Abyss shoves them away. Doug fails to sunset flip Abyss, and then Abyss fails to hit his sitout splash thing. When will Abyss introduce a new weapon in this arms race of counters? The Monster uses some attacks to the wrist, hopefully expecting Doug to do the "psychology" thing for him because he's got no idea how. He's probably fucked up his body so hard that he doesn't feel any pain, so how do we expect him to pretend to feel pain?

Abyss tries to use the TV Title belt to hit... the ring canvas, apparently, because where he was aiming was nowhere near Doug. Doug sells anyway. He then hits a diving European uppercut that seems to hurt him more than it does Abyss. Flying knee drop is used, but the distance is clearly too far to hit. It's sold like it was hit anyway. Doug gets a rope break and Abyss looks so disturbed by this fact that it seems he's about to revert to his pathetic mini-Mankind persona.

But he shouldn't do, because the finish is coming! He brings out Janice, and while the referee is distracted by him (trying to coax the 350-pound beast to drop the 2x4 covered in rusty nails, like someone with a death wish), AJ Styles comes out and blasts Doug with the belt. The rest is academic. New Television Champion - Abyss. We're 5 for 5 on heels winning, just so you know.

RVD's in the back arguing a bit with Bischoff. According to himself, it doesn't matter whom he has to face, unless it's Hardy. "You want Hardy? You got Hardy in the ring!" -Bisch. Naturally, RVD comes out, expecting the World Title shot he's never managed to get. His opponent is Hardy, all right... it's Matt Hardy! His tron is a weird social media thing, which is probably a reference to him requesting his release from WWE via YouTube or something. One thing's for sure: he does not look in shape or passionate. Such a contrast to his later "Broken" run.

Match 6: Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Hardy​

"Is Matt Hardy part of Immortal?" asks Taz. To be honest, I don't think he knows or cares where he is. He performs a very stilted facsimile of the RVD thumb-point. We're trending on Twitter right now, though I doubt it's because of Matt. Tenay wants to talk about Matt's history in "matches involving tables and chairs and ladders". Matt suplexes RVD on to a turnbuckle, and commentary outright states how dangerously head- and neck-breaking that move is. In fact, that's most of his moves this match. Just another day of TNA: The Concussion Show. Taz relates about the time he debuted as a mystery opponent during a January PPV, and says Matt has the advantage. Only from a psychological standpoint; physically, he's a wreck.

The crowd seems right behind Matt, despite that he's a heel. That'll probably wear off quickly. RVD pulls off a really sweet-looking bodyscissors pin, which is more offense than he's had the rest of the match so far. RVD hits a Five Star, but referee Jackson James refuses to count three because Matt's fingertip is marginally under the bottom rope. Then Matt lands a Twist of Hate (which seems to spike RVD right on his forehead) and James ignores the fact that RVD's foot is under the rope for the winning pin. I wonder why it's always the same referee who makes these mistakes in favour of Immortal? TNA's problem was that they pretended we didn't notice these things for so long.

Christy's here for an interview, with Kurt Angle. I like the reference Angle makes to having had sex with jarrett's wife, but I have two problems with it. First, jarrett could easily go: "I had sex with her too, and she was your wife at the time"; and second, it's an uncomfortable reminder that there's a level of legitimacy to this feud. These two men probably legitimately hate each other.

Match 7: Jeff jarrett vs. Kurt Angle - Double-J Double-M-A Exhibition​

"jarrett Does His Best Work On His Back" sign in the crowd. From a kayfabe view, where "being a good worker" and "jobbing" are mutually exclusive, surely that looks like something else. Looks like they're saying jarrett would make a good prostitute. All the comment I'll make is, it's a gimmick to consider once this MMA stuff gets old. Angle threatens to break the freakin' necks of any of jarrett's cornermen if they interfere (yes, he actually said "frickin'"). This is going to be three 2-minute rounds (half the length of AWF rounds - that's fast paced!), which I have to say, would potentially leave a lot of time for the main event.

Essentially nothing happens for all but the last 30 seconds of the first round, which mostly consists of Angle laying down and jarrett still not approaching. The crowd doesn't like the break, especially since jarrett was about to lose if the round had lasted another two seconds. Angle praises jarrett's efforts (those efforts being "offer no offense and get saved by rope breaks") like so.

The second round ends exactly like the first, and the third (rule of three) features the variation: jarrett cheating. Apparently, he has used some powder on his arms that damages Angle's face, and this causes a no-contest (not a DQ for jarrett??). Angle is shown very obviously blading to sell the harm done to him. The production guys forget to put the round clock away for a solid minute after the no-contest. jarrett goes up to the commentary desk and announces that he's retiring undefeated from MMA. So, about that prostitute gimmick... I'm just saying you should consider it.

Final Christy interview of the night is with Jeff Hardy! No comments on his brother's arrival, he's just Going To Win The Upcoming Match. That is, the Upcoming Match that hasn't been booked yet. "Welcome to Chapter Genesis, where anything can happen" - Jeff, telegraphing what is going to happen.

Match 8: Matt Morgan vs. Mr. Anderson - World Heavyweight Championship Number 1 Contender's Match​

Morgan is shot from a low angle, but also from a really close angle so it doesn't really sell his height. Is it just me or is Anderson looking more slender than usual? Tenay wants to talk, really early on, about the fact that Morgan keeps a picture of the World Title on his nightstand. He then compares him to Ray Lewis, which going by Lewis' Super Bowl record, is either really outdated or really ahead of its time. Match starts very slowly for that Instant Big Match Feel™, but I get the feeling the action really isn't going to go anywhere, so the buildup is pointless. A lot of TNA main events have this problem. Morgan goes for one of his stock spots, the Carbon-Footprint-miss-to-get-crotched-on-the-top-rope. A classic.

This match, I've got to be honest, is a snoozer. Anderson spends most of it working the leg, which is smart. They do the yay/boo punches, but both sides are yay, just from different groups of the crowd. Interesting dynamic. Morgan's meant to go for another Carbon Footprint miss spot but he doesn't commit his foot so it just looks like a high knee. Pretty quickly after that, Anderson takes it with a small package. Hey, if you're going to have zero face wins in face/heel matches, like this PPV has, at least send the crowd home happy, right? Immortal have all the belts, but at least Mr. Anderson's gunning for that shitty-looking world belt at Against All Odds...

Or not, as Eric Bischoff comes out with a steel chair! He announces that the title shot will be TONIGHT... and he doesn't even hit Anderson with the chair before he leaves. Hardy's out in jeans, which makes me think he's as unprepared for this as Anderson is... and he's smoking a cigarette! It's one of those store-bought cigarettes and not self-rolled, which ruins my potential joke about it possibly having weed in it. Anyway... fuck it, impromptu title match!

Match 9: Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Mr. Anderson - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

This starts as a long, painful beatdown. They talk about Hardy's angst, which makes me think he's trying to channel Raven. "Looks like he's sweating, but not because of Anderson" -Taz on Hardy's poor wrestling fashion choice. Anderson is somehow able to kick out of two Twist of Hates and monkey flip (but without the flip) Hardy to the outside. Morgan (oh yeah, he's been there the whole time) smashes Hardy with a discus elbow whilst the referee is distracted. You can take the giant out of the heel stable... Hardy hits a Whisper in the Wind and Anderson rolls out. There's a big gap between these actions, and yet commentary tries to sell it as being from the momentum of the move.

We dive right into overbook city as Hardy grabs the chair and is about to attempt to kill Anderson's head, until the chair is taken by Mick Foley... who is then accosted by Ric Flair. A concussed, head-bleeding Anderson somehow kicks out of a Swanton. Jeff Hardy calls down his brother Matt, who is then stopped by RVD. Then Bischoff is about to use the chair, when he eats a Mic Check, and so does Hardy. And thanks to that convoluted sequence of events... New World Heavyweight Champion - Mr. Anderson! Fortune come out and nobody seems to acknowledge that they're a good five minutes too late to make an impact. But... New World Heavyweight Champ! Is this the beginning of the end for Immortal already? See you next Impact!

 

[Chris]

That Matt Hardy debut scarred me for life when I watched it live.

At least you have some great Jarrett/Angle matches coming up at the next few PPVs

 

[Sky]

Impact January 13, 2011 - Getting Better, As A-Hole​

Genesis was a pretty okay show, right? And obviously, the opening recap focuses on the fallout. Morgan gives himself too much credit for Anderson's title win, despite trying his hardest not to seem like he's giving himself credit. Anderson bashes the belt he's won - "This is a piece of shit that Jeff Hardy drew. I could probably stick a crayon up my ass, squat over a piece of paper, and draw a better picture than this". Amusingly, those are the words that end the opening package. Not Taz saying that Immortal lost the most important belt of all. That. Jeff jarrett's arriving in a limo, along with... oh no. Karen jarrett's here. This was a moment i had been dreading.

First segment is, naturally, a promo featuring Anderson. He gives us a recap of his wrestling journey, featuring copious amounts of I-was-in-WWE-and-it-sucked. He breaks into a bad Triple H impersonation at one point, and it's bad in that he doesn't even try. Like, he doesn't really emphasise-uhh the end of his words-uhh. He also gives credit to Vince Russo... and gets a pop! This really is a completely different Impact Zone crowd from the old regulars, who were chanting "Fire Russo" at any opportunity. Morgan comes out, receives his thanks from Anderson, and like an ungrateful little piece of shit, asks for a title shot. What he's saying does include this exchange, though:

Morgan: "The only reason you're wearing that title around your waist right now, Ken..."
Anderson, with the belt on his shoulder: "It's not on my waist."

Anderson dismisses Morgan and celebrates with the belt that he trashed not 7 minutes earlier until Bischoff shows up. He uses his own tron but Immortal's music (pay attention - this will become important later). Tenay basically calls Bisch a dumbass for booking that match that caused them to lose the World Title. The smiling fucking mug is frowning as he claims he and Hogan are the only reason Anderson is in TNA at all. I wouldn't say that - Anderson seemed like a perfect fit for the company, as someone with high potential discarded by WWE (see also: Christian).

Two important bullet points by Bischoff: February 3 is the date when Hulk Hogan is coming back, and also the date when Jeff Hardy gets his contractually mandated rematch. Said Hardy then shows up on the screen to cut another droning pre-recorded promo (presumably they tape these in bulk to increase the amount of time he can spend taking drugs instead of wrestling). Or maybe it isn't pre-recorded, as it devolves into a brawl between the Hardys, RVD, and Anderson, who runs to the back. Immortal then show up to overpower and destroy the faces. The more things change... Jeff and Karen aren't there, because they're going into the Immortal dressing room, preparing for whatever "this" is.

Match 1: Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm) (c) vs. Motor City Machine Guns (Alex Shelley/Chris Sabin) - for the World Tag Team Championship​

This rematch apparently couldn't wait until February 3. Champs are out first, the reason being so MCMG can cut a short backstage promo before their entrance (for the record, they're Going To Win The Upcoming Match). Shelley's initially wrestling in a T-shirt. I'm initially thinking it might be an injury, because he got hurt during this time, but it turns out he hasn't had the injury yet. So maybe he's just magically become out of shape in the past day of real time, and gotten better mid-match. Four weeks of Genesis rematches is going to be the buildup to Against All Odds, which is an interesting way to sell a PPV. Beer Money's trunks are vaguely "Thing 1/Thing 2"-ish.

Overall, this is a TV match, but a good TV match. The crowd sadly doesn't recognise it, only waking up for a stiff kick on the apron. Shelley hits a double foot stomp - that looks like it would destroy your entire abdomen. Skull and Bones to Roode would take it if not for Storm tossing Sabin into Shelley. Pretty creative way to break a pin. Finish has Shelley accidentally superkick Sabin then eat the DWI (which stands for "Drinking While Investing").

We then get shots of jarrett stressing out, and Kurt Angle showing up. RVD and Anderson are bellyaching about Immortal. "We gotta stop this" - you should have told RVD that, when he was stressing out over an EV2.0 mole that didn't exist until after Rhino was released. They each find a friend (a weapon). Anderson's still bloodied on the head, which is worrying.

Pope time! Wow, they really took the shine off him in the space of a year, because the crowd seems mostly nonplussed aside from the whooping plants. Pope's money rain rating: returned! It's good to see it back. He forgives Joe for filming him on his own time, but decides to put the shoe on the other foot anyway, with him catching Joe and his wife sharing private time together. Actually, it's a picture of two pigs fucking. And footage of his wife and child is represented by a sow milking her piglets. This would be funny if it weren't so dumb and insulting. Joe's out to stop this. "You sure do run like a little bitch" -Joe, whilst Pope is running like a little bitch. Someday, Joe is going to kill Pope, is the take-home message. Can we kill Pope's terrible booking instead?

RVD and Anderson pay a visit to Immortal's dressing room, there's sounds of a brief struggle, then they leave. Gee, I wonder what could have happened? Then, a ReAction-esque promo with Kazarian, who briefly name drops a bunch of X Division "classic" talent. Meanwhile on the way to the Immortal room, AJ wants to beat up Anderson but Flair insists "don't bother, you're injured". Quite a change in tune from days ago when AJ was getting chewed out for being injured. They find Beer Money half-dead (there it is). The jarrett/Angle affair is recapped, followed by jarrett and Angle cutting brief promos about having Karen in the building. This leads to...

Jeff jarrett's MMA retirement ceremony! I'll miss the highly conspicuous Samuel Shaw cameos. jarrett bigs himself up a bit before introducing Karen... but it's not Karen! It's Kurt Angle! He easily wipes out Team jarrett (RIP) as well as Gunner and Murphy. Then... sigh. We get the first appearance of Karen's unbearable screechy voice as she screams at her ex-husband not to hurt her current husband. You get the feeling there's genuine hatred in her voice (especially as she's not going out of her way to be intelligible and non-grating). Is it time for another Kurt Angle feud that produces good matches but horrible, horrible buildup? Looks like it!

They replay an extended version of Anderson's "fuck this belt" promo where he says basically nothing new, they replay the Karen jarrett screeching, then Kurt Angle throws a fit. Same, Angle. Same.

Match 2: Angelina Love/Winter (c) vs. Madison Rayne/Tara - for the Knockouts Tag Team Championship​

Oh hey, it's your only two teams and they're both (sort of) heel! Tara is still killing it in terms of ring gear, even though her arm is still braced. We get Velvet and Angelina discussing Winter, where Velvet doesn't see her even when she's dragging Angelina along. Follow this with the debut of Winter's theme, which is one of my favourites in TNA history.



Taz internally debates whether you can call it a "fireman's carry" if a woman does it. An extended referee distraction sequence sees Mickie James come out and wipe out both Madison and Tara, before Winter shows up and knocks out Tara with some sort of chokehold I couldn't find the name of. Seriously, any idea what she's doing here?

Matt and Jeff Hardy promo, and it's behind a metal fence for some reason. Weird. Hardy complains about Anderson using his custom belt - I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to use it, either. We get another ReAction-esque promo from last Sunday, this time featuring Kurt Angle. He says nothing new in it though.

Match 3: Abyss vs. Matt Morgan​

Ric Flair, that master of hardcore, is out with Abyss. Morgan could easily have won it within a minute were it not for interference by someone camera never catches. Presumably it was Flair. Then, of course, an overlong heat segment ensues before Morgan can finally come back. "S.....quashes him in the corner" -Tenay, holding himself back from calling it a Stinger Splash. Morgan wins it via a Carbon Footprint, before Rob Terry comes out. Remember when I said before he looked like the bouncer of a gay bar? Now he just looks like one of the patrons of a gay bar. Maybe that Orlando Jordan feud changed something in him.

During the break... wait, what the fuck? Crimson's choking out Abyss! "February 3rd... they're coming!" Well, would you look at that, it's the second "they"! We'll have to wait until the end of the month to find out why this is so interesting - but basically, TNA had a bad plan for this angle, fucked it up completely, then found a better plan. Abyss walks in on a meeting of Immortal, but Bisch and Flair don't believe him. They insist he's having some sort of flashback... Gotta love hubris.

Match 4: Mr. Anderson/Rob Van Dam vs. The Hardys (Jeff Hardy/Matt Hardy)​

Anderson's got blood streaked down his face - hell of a visual, no matter how dangerous it might be to his health. This match starts as a brawl, where the faces get control. Isn't it usually the other way around? Even as the actual match starts, neither Hardy gets out of the ring in their corner. Where's the DQ? Taz talks about Matt Hardy being punished at "the company he used to work for" because Jeff was in TNA. Being buried over the actions of a relative? I didn't know Vince Russo worked for WWE too!

An attempted spot where Jeff pulls Matt out of the way of an RVD split-legged moonsault goes wrong when RVD lands on Matt's face. Commentary just goes with it. Nice professionalism. RVD then gets beaten up for a while. Ricky Vmorton Dam? Ref bump because OF FUCKING COURSE, Beer Money kill the faces, and Jeff Swantons Anderson to get the win. The closing visual is just... Immortal committing murder. "See Anderson's championship win?" says TNA. "It didn't fuckin' matter." Oh well. See you next Impact!

 

[Sky]

Impact January 20, 2011 - Championships are Temporary, jarrett is Forever​

Opening video is focusing on jarrett vs. Angle, as if there isn't a feud over the title that closed off last show. jarrett's ranting about Angle playing backstage politics, which is rich from someone who has only ever been World Champion due to backstage politics. We get a slightly awkward moment where Angle enters the Impact Zone via production and demands they play his music. Though, I do appreciate the explanation for the unannounced entrance. Angle cuts a promo about introducing Karen to the company and.... well, I can't say much except that this angle is really, seriously uncomfortable. You've got Angle talking about legitimate infidelity, and legitimate divorce, and he's got a look on his face that tells the whole story.

Just look at him. He's clearly opening up an old wound for the sake of a wrestling storyline, and he'd rather not be involved. I have no idea how he's able to work and co-operate with jarrett through all the matches he's going to have with him. Especially when it's the Impact Zone in 2011, and it's impossible to tell whether the crowds are getting behind it, or it's just two sad old men fictionalising their real hatred for each other. Okay, I've made myself sad now. I guess we'll introduce a fun quote out of context. "He kept sticking it in my face every single time he could" -Angle. There, now everything's a little better.

Angle's close to breaking down in the ring (understandably) as he tries to negotiate with jarrett to stop the fighting. This leads Jeff himself to come out without Karen. They talk a bit, reconcile, and then jarrett renounces Immortal and turns face..... Just kidding, but wouldn't it have been nice if that had happened? Actually, the MMA goons show up to beat him up, then Bischoff and Flair show up with cops to escort Angle away. One commercial break later, the jarretts are finally here and Karen promises to expose Kurt. Can we not have ugly legitimate family issues for one second? Maybe?

Match 1: Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James vs. Sarita vs. Velvet Sky​

There, a Knockouts match. That's better. "Hardcore Country! I love flannel!" -Taz. Madison Rayne enters without Tara and a motorbike for the first time in a long time... I miss the Tara biker outfits. She does show up openly using the loaded glove. Taz speculates that she's not trying to cheat, she's just got man hands. One man hand. Mickie and Velvet both start tagged in, argue over who gets to face the heels, then lock up with each other instead. Velvet Sky is really quite over as a face. Tara finally shows up to nail Mickie with her elbow brace, whilst Velvet and Sarita clash heads and knock each other down briefly. Madison's about to use the loaded glove, hits Velvet instead, and Mickie rolls her up. Very odd match. Madison's treated as a weak champion, but I feel that's the point.

Beer Money promo! Roode's doing actual curls in the locker room, whilst Storm imitates him with beer bottles (eight-ounce curls, he calls them). They're basically gloating about Immortal "winning" last week, and tonight they get a chance to face Anderson and RVD. Angle's back from his brief stay at the station. Samoa Joe's talking to a certain indivdual about following "him" (the Pope, presumably) in a mixture of English and Japanese. And then we get a brief look at this figure.

It's Okato! That's right, the future 5-time IWGP Heavyweight Champion, Kazuchika Okada, is here playing a reference to the Green Hornet's sidekick. I guess because the Green Hornet movie had just recently released? I heard that movie was bad. Much like this gimmick, which was apparently a huge part of the reason why NJPW and Impact aren't on good terms to this day.

Match 2: Matt Morgan vs. Rob Terry​

Flair comes out with Terry, and promos about hurting women (oh wow, those plants in the front row must be so offended!). Morgan shows up and kills him with a single Carbon Footprint! At least we don't have to watch Terry wrestle. Flair then tries attacking him, but Morgan, of course, no sells it. It takes the arrival of Abyss and a kick in the nuts by Naitch to cause the customary Immortal group beatdown.

They then show a package of TNA's adventures at Wrestle Kingdom (for the last time), featuring footage of RVD, Beer Money, and briefly Hardy, travelling around Japan. RVD's wearing those "I've been smoking weed recently but don't want you to know" sunglasses. James Storm was able to enjoy sake (or "sacky"). The footage of the actual matches is apparently available on TNAWrestling.com. Hope they did a bit of judicious editing on the Hardy match.

AJ Styles and Kazarian are in the back, when Kaz mentions something's odd about Eric (Bischoff, presumably). AJ doesn't want him to worry about that - wait, did he just call Eric Bischoff a "pole-fancy"?



I'm not going to be able to let that go. Anyway, Kaz goes out, sufficiently hyped up for his X Division title match, when Crimson comes from behind, chokes AJ with a bit of wire like he did Abyss, and warns him about the second "they". If you know who the second "they" are, you'll know why his decision to attack AJ makes zero sense. Meanwhile, Kurt's here, trying to avoid anyone watching him. Whilst the cameras are on him. Huh.

Match 3: Kazarian (c) vs. Jay Lethal - for the X Division Championship​

Taz hypes up Kaz's quality of being able to answer when the doorbell rings. So he's like a dog with hands. Kaz refuses to get in the ring for about a minute, so Lethal slingshots him in. This starts quite slow and mostly on the outside, with Lethal breaking the count three times in a row. Maybe the referee should only count Kaz in that case. Or not - he'd like to retain via being counted out. This match is only mildly "X Division", featuring things like springboard dropkicks in between long pauses. Lethal doesn't do the usual back-body-drop-counter kick, but instead jumps over Kaz. Interesting, but probably not as effective.

Kaz kicks out of the elbow drop after a Lethal Combination - come on. It's a TV match that's gone about three minutes. We don't need finisher kickouts. The real finish is a failed sunset flip by Lethal where Kaz drops down and grabs the ropes out of the referee's sight. It's been such a long time since I've seen a sunset flip pulled off successfully. I yearn for it.

"Guys", says Anderson, apparently to only one guy. RVD can't focus on Beer Money, because he doesn't have a match with Jeff Hardy coming up. Whereas Anderson, who does, can. That sounds backwards. The third guy asserts himself - Tommy Dreamer, who has Hardy tonight. Basically, they are Going To Win The Upcoming Matches. Dreamer calls Anderson an asshole only when he's left the room. Odd, you'd think he'd be happy to call him that to his face. Angle's still pacing around the Impact Zone, not apprehended by security yet.

It's time for the jarretts stirring the pot against Angle, and oh Jesus, this is going to be uncomfortable as hell. Only one sign visible - a small sign saying "Double J Double Sucks". Jeff talks up Karen as the fans chant "sloppy seconds". Thanks, fans. That's going to make this less painful. Karen is also a victim of Kurt Angle, according to Jeff. Then, we're victims of Karen's screechy voice. Jeff part-owns the company, so "guess what that makes me?" - the wife of the part-owner of the company, I guess? She calls Kurt Angle a lost little puppy with nowhere to go until Angle comes up from behind and attacks jarrett. We get an awkward staredown between ex-spouses before jarrett beats down Angle (fairly stiffly). After the segment, Angle goes to the back and attacks garbage cans for some reason.

Match 4: Jeff Hardy vs. Tommy Dreamer​

Dreamer still has EV2.0 in his tron even though that faction is pretty much dead now. Hardy's face paint makes it look like he has third degree burns. Taz thinks Dreamer is wearing "knickers". "Hardy playing to the crowd here" -Tenay, to the boos Hardy is receiving. We clearly have different definitions of playing to the crowd. Maybe playing to the crowd involves putting on a long rest hold. This is played up to be a possible win by Dreamer, as he dodges all of Hardy's spots and hits the Dreamer Driver, but Hardy's foot is on the rope. I guess rope breaks only count for heels, huh? Hardy crotches Dreamer on the rope, hits the Twist of Hate and wins. Then he collapses. Knowing what's coming soon, I can only cringe a little.

Meanwhile in Kurt Angle news, he has a baseball bat and he's not afraid to threaten random backstage workers wih it. Pope needs to use someone else's computer for an "overseas transaction" (presumably for the UK tour; he has to be kept in supply of poorly-made English limos and poorly-groomed English call girls). When a backstage guy using his laptop takes a call - his ringtone is Mickie James' theme - and leaves, Pope grabs the laptop and heads off. That's the first act of Okato on Impact. As incriminating footage goes, it's no "Lacey Von Erich in the bathroom".

A half-dead AJ Styles comes to Flair and wants to know who this "they" is. As far as either of them knows, Immortal are "they", which is why it was dumb to do a mysterious "they" angle twice in the space of 4 months. But you know what? We FINALLY GET A CONCLUSION TO THE ICING ANGLE! Flair ices AJ! Oh, and Angle comes in, chokes out Flair, and demands that jarrett show up. You didn't say which jarrett, Kurt. That's coming to bite you in the ass soon.

Match 5: Mr. Anderson/Rob Van Dam vs. Beer Money, Inc. (Robert Roode/James Storm)​

Main event already? Seems like we're getting a jarrett appearance now rather than next week. We get an appearance of the planted fans in the crowd who only react when the camera's on them. I miss the dorky kids who would receive Pope's sunglasses. RVD uses a schoolboy pin - why is it called a schoolboy? Beer Money pull an interesting tactic - Storm claps his hands to fake a tag to Roode whilst the referee is distracted. Why not just tag? You travel the same amount. In fact, why not double-team Anderson? Storm looks really slow this match.

The match is pretty much entirely made of head-based offense to Anderson until RVD gets the hot tag. Double suplex to RVD is denied because Anderson gets in in time. That's one of the most pointless uses of a double suplex I've ever seen. If anything, it hindered Beer Money. Why not just have one guy suplex him? Match has an unneeded fuck finish as Jeff Hardy shows up to distract the referee before Matt Hardy kills RVD with a Twist of Hate. Members of Immortal pose together. Hmm...

Brian Kendrick's trying to reason with Bully Ray in the back, but gets bullied for talking nerd shit. Meanwhile, Flair's raging at jarrett for getting him involved with his relationship issues. Bisch's solution: give Angle what he wants. A very strange in-ring segment occurs where Devon comes out, challenges Bully Ray, who is then shoved into the ring by Kendrick in his underwear. They brawl for a bit, Ray pulls a chain, Devon gets it, and then the security come out to accost Devon. So do the security guys just hate faces? Gunner and Murphy aren't even there. Ray attacks Devon and leaves him twitching. That's disturbing.

And we've still got an Angle/jarrett segment to go! Three of them! Angle's waiting for the guy who LEGITIMATELY took his wife. jarrett comes out in ring gear, but sends out Gunner and Murphy to get murdered, as always. The numbers advantage briefly takes hold, but Angle does manage to get jarrett in a chokehold. Then the numbers advantage happens again as Immortal kill Angle. Abyss comes out... and falls to the ground, with Janice in his back! Crimson then shows up to warn them about "they"... in a nice suit. I wonder if that's relevant. Anyway, Angle gets to fight back against Over A Dozen People, and that's the ending.

I'm starting to get a good idea of who "they" are (putting on my person-watching-the-show-in-2011 hat), but I need another week to work it out. So... see you next Impact!

 

[Chris]

Not Okada looking like that

 

[Sky]

Impact January 27, 2011 - Gonna Make You An Offer...​

Guess who's back, back again? I picked a pretty exciting show to come back on, given how much they've been building to the February 3 edition. It's like this is a go-home show. The recap guy clearly has no idea about this, as he focuses on the disturbingly legitimate Angle/jarrett feud with only brief references to Crimson's second "they". The title for this episode is "Crimson Sees Red" - I'm pretty impressed with how much they're pushing this guy, for him to be in the title. Impact management must have quite a bit of faith in him.

We open up, yep, with a Kurt Angle segment. He enters with no music. And what else does he talk about but his ex-wife and her new husband? Actually, he talks about unretiring, which gets a serious pop. That's the privilege of being a face - people actually want you to get back in the ring. Ric Flair, for example, returned as a heel and assumed people would want to see him wrestle. (He was wrong, but that's mostly because he was 60 at the time.) Time for the entire Immortal entourage to show up, led by Eric Bischoff trashing Angle's cheap heat tactics. "Raise horses, learn how to golf, do something" -at least you're not suggesting he do what Ric Flair did with a horse, huh?

Seven members of Immortal then gather to beat up Angle, before Crimson slides in with a baseball bat and manages to scatter all of them. By himself. I wasn't kidding about how much faith they have in this guy. Before he can yell about the second "they", Flair grabs a FUCKING MIC and goes on a ramble. He then calls the main event - Angle and Crimson vs. Jeff jarrett and 6 more of Immortal. jarrett, naturally, is mad at him. Incidentally, this episode came a couple of days after Flair was sent home from the European tour for trying to get some extra money out of the company.

Bischoff is also mad at Flair, which leads to a shouting match. Bisch is clearly scared of Angle (why wouldn't he be?) and Flair is off his meds. We're getting a Dixie Carter speech tonight (oh joy) as well as Matt Hardy vs. Mr. Anderson. Now it's time for the Knockouts, a.k.a. the part of the show I most tune in for and the part that they most often neglect.

Match 1: Madison Rayne/Tara/Sarita vs. Mickie James/Velvet Sky/Angelina Love - Elimination Match​

The motorcycle is back! Madison and Tara could be called "Team Obviously-Loaded Accessories". TBP's entrance is delayed by Winter trying to hold Angelina back. Enough creepy shit, Winter. If she were a man she'd be in jail by now. Taz wants to know where Tara gets her elbow brace. "Velvet and Sarita have been at each other's throats" -Tenay, not mentioning how literal that expression is for this feud. Velvet dodges the loaded glove shot but gets folded up by Sarita and eliminated early. Then Madison misses a glove shot for the second time and gets herself knocked out. So there you go. Jobber of the week so far: Madison's loaded glove.

Following a flash roll-up by Sarita (which involves her rolling Mickie off Madison's body) it's 2-on-1. Sarita being booked strong, probably because her contract negotiations were coming up and they wanted her to stay (she renewed on the day this was broadcast). "Get her off of me" -Sarita to the ref, not realising a bodyscissors is entirely legal. We PiP to Velvet having been hit in the head in the back, and Taz raises the remote, slight possibility that Winter may have been involved. A good old referee distraction and strike from the elbow brace almost gets the win, but Angelina's clearly too strong for foreign objects when no one else is. May even be strong enough to avoid a two-count, because it seemed Jackson James counted fast there.

I say they often neglect the Knockouts in this era, but this is actually getting time! The match does end eventually, though, with a Botox Injection to Tara and roll-up to Sarita. Angelina is announced as the sole winner, which must be annoying for her teammates. She doesn't look to be one for celebrating, though, but rather expecting a Winter run-in that never comes.

Angle's on the phone to someone who's coming here soon, and he wants them to hurry the fuck up about it. Matt Hardy cuts a promo where he says the sort of dumb esoteric stuff he will go on to do in Broken mode, but he says it deadpan and serious. I mean it - I'd be more able to swallow lines like "a smile on my face and cold blood running through my icy veins" if he were hamming it up. Kazarian on commentary for the next match.

Match 2: Chris Sabin vs. Amazing Red vs. Max Buck - for an X Division Number 1 Contender match at Against All Odds​

We get picture-in-picture promos from the competitors. Red says he's the original face of the X Division, but all Kaz can do is bury his mic skills. Max stares at the camera in a weird way while Jeremy massages his shoulders. Destiny is knocking at Chris Sabin's door - "that's got to piss off Velvet Sky, right?" says Kaz. I legitimately smiled. Oh yeah, Crimson was supposed to be Amazing Red's brother, right? Is there a sports team in the front row?? Red pulls off a really clean flip powerbomb. He's just so talented, and it's sad he was never seen as a Top TNA Guy when it mattered. He goes to the top rope and gets crotched, then eats a Hangman's DDT from Max and the pin. That was... very short, considering how into it the crowd were.

Karen jarrett pays a visit to Jeff to warn him of Angle's new arrival, but he acts like she's out of her mind. First of all, great husband material, there. Second, how does he not know that there's cameras broadcasting this shit? Meanwhile, Velvet is pissed about Winter attacking her from behind, but Angelina... denies it and defends her??? They weren't on the same page before, so why is Angelina backing her up? Has Winter put some sort of Papa Shango spell on her already? Angelina suggests it might be Sarita, despite Sarita having the alibi of Still Being In The Match. "[Sarita's] a crazy Mexican too" - wait, Winter isn't Mexican. She comes from the world of mirrors where everyone has an unplaceable sorta-English sorta-German accent.

Hype package for the Hardy/Anderson feud, before hobo-mode Hardy slips out of the mist for a promo. He brings out the passion for the first time since he became champion. He calls the fans "internet junkies" - well, it's better than to be a junkie for the stuff you are, Jeff. "I'm gonna shove that moment straight up all your asses" -must be a pretty big moment. Anderson shows up with the shitty purple belt. "I got a big freakin' W right here" -I don't know, Anderson, that belt looks like an L. He then goes out of his way to mention how several fans still like Hardy, so he's not even that over as a heel! Apart from that, Anderson is Going To Win The Upcoming Match.

Crimson's backstage, promoing on how he got a lucrative offer "that he couldn't refuse" - telegraphing what's happening next week, aren't we? Then they show a clip of what Crimson did last week before...

Velvet Sky!! I definitely picked the right episode to come back on, this is the Velvet show! She does not like Winter at all, and that's clear. For theme song marks like me, we get an early version of Winter's theme, with less buildup. No Winter promo, just a beatdown until Angelina shows up to make the save. Whose side is she on? "She's a screamer" chants. Oh yeah, it's that era of women's wrestling.

Speaking of fan favourites put through shit storylines, The Pope! Pope's money rain rating: pretty nice. He's under the purple lighting that they were clearly planning to get more use out of with Orlando Jordan. "I'm pure, that's why I always wear white" -uh... okay then. Pope's confession time: he hates the fans just like most men hate their wife. He's now apparently a heel preacher who wants to save people who chant for Joe. Sad. So, no Okato appearance?

Immortal war room has a lot of arguing, followed by Ric Flair rallying the troops... also, Eric Young is there for no reason. He isn't champion of anything, so he'd best head out. Doesn't that mean half of Immortal should be out of here too? We get a short video of Immortal's struggles with Dixie, and a reminder that Dixie Carter signed a contract without reading it.

Dixie is now on the phone - they're going to go to court February 3, and that'll hopefully put them back in control of TNA. We then contrast that with an interview from Eric Bischoff in PiP, where he basically calls Dixie a deluded dumbass. Well, yeah, but how will that stop her? Deluded dumbasses have won court cases before, and they'll do it again. The second "they" is in the same category as the Tooth Fairy. Wait - does that mean the Rock is in on this??

Match 3: Mr. Anderson vs. Matt Hardy​

I can't imagine this will be fun, with listless, overweight Matt. He's already tripping over himself early on. He tries to toss Anderson shoulder-first into the ring post, but he is sloppy enough that it looks as if Anderson might impact head first. We don't need more concussion stuff, thank you. This is very much a nothing burger of a match. Finish has Matt hit a Side Effect (Tenay calls attention to the Anderson concussion issue) but Anderson kicks out and gets a win with a quick crucifix pin. Eh. Jeff shows up to attack Anderson, but RVD makes the save. Jeff definitely seems the most scared of RVD - of course, Hardy never beat RVD, did he? Maybe this was the future plan.

Match 4: Kurt Angle/Crimson vs. Immortal (Jeff jarrett/Kazarian/Robert Roode/James Storm/Rob Terry/Gunner/Murphy) - Handicap Match​

Oh wow, 2v7. That's not a combo you can get in TEW. jarrett doesn't show up with the rest. I'm definitely not going into this expecting a decent match, it's more about the story. It's interesting to compare and contrast Rob Terry and Crimson. Both of them are pretty much muscles and nothing else, but at least Crimson can move at all. A wayward Last Call causes a ref bump because OF FUCKING COURSE, and the match descends into chaos. The goon trio each choke Angle with their boot at the same time until Jeff jarrett finally decides to make an entrance. An extended beatdown follows, before Immortal's favourite referee Jackson James counts a pin on Angle.

The slaughter continues until Matt Morgan comes in to make the save. He does a bit better at facing Immortal, but ultimately he's just one man. Lights out... and SCOTT STEINER's music plays! Big Poppa Pump is out with a suit and a lead pipe! Immortal scatters, obviously, because the Genetic Freak is always going to be too much for them.

Well, that was Impact. They've been teasing the second "they", and considering what we've seen, it's going to be the return of the Main Event Mafia. Doesn't make the biggest storyline sense, really, but TNA is starved of faces, and the Steiner return popped me. Gonna be kind of pointless if they haven't gotten the likes of Booker T, Kevin Nash, and Sting to long-term contracts (last I heard, that was up in the air), but they wouldn't plan such a major storyline development if they hadn't gotten that sorted out, right?

Right?

Spoiler: Right?

Oh.



Oh no.



Oh fuck.

 

[Chris]

I will say their half ass attempt to save the "they" thing still did pop me. Was executed well so I look forward to you reviewing it

 

[Time]

Really, it was obvious for months how messed up Jeff Hardy was. His match with Naito definitely helped destroy the New Japan relationship. I enjoyed his character at the time tho.

Also found it weird how TNA never really got behind Mr. Anderson, though that could just be a symptom of insane Vince Russo booking.

 

[Sky]

Impact February 3, 2011 - They're Here... Again​

Sky's note: holy shit I forgot I had started this. Most of this was written in June. Let's hope I still have the mojo. Also, RIP Daffney

So, turns out the biggest bombshell for TNA came not during one of their events, but at the Royal Rumble. Kevin Nash and Booker T definitely won't be involved, and the Raw after the event suggests that they've managed to grab Sting - one of "the" guys in TNA - too. How will they salvage this Main Event Mafia reunion now? Angle and Steiner is a good start, but them and Crimson does not a Mafia make. Let's see what they pull out of their ass. The opening package is highlights of the European tour, with Immortal talking about how They Are Going To Win The Upcoming Matches and also how much Scott Steiner sucks. "Fortune is today" -James Storm. Hm. Dixie Carter is coy about what's to come.

Immortal are already in the ring (is this a jobber entrance??) as some crowd are chanting "We Want Flair" a la Great American Bash 91. Bischoff ignores them and calls out Scott Steiner, who arrives in a suit that doesn't flatter his massive roided-up arms. The announcement that Hulk Hogan isn't here tonight gets a very mixed reaction. So Hogan as a heel is working, sort of. He then proceeds to full-on take a shot at Kevin Nash for his recent WWE appearance ("take the money, dye your hair, get a new action figure and ride off into the sunset"). Little did we know that later this year he'd be hijacking the hottest WWE feud in years to have a heatless ladder match with Triple H. It's not just TNA that over-relies on old guys! Also shoots at Sting - gonna be awkward if he does come back.

Basically, Bischoff is offering to accept Steiner into Immortal where he can have one last shot at glory, or basically eat 10-on-1 beatdowns for the rest of his career. Steiner refuses both options, and he's surprisingly subdued on the mic. "First time I met you, I said damn, you're a real piece of shit" -actually, forget I said anything about subdued. He wants to be called "yes sir, no sir". Angle and Crimson join him, and remind everyone that, oh hey, the second "they" is still a thing, despite what you may have heard.

Jeff Hardy's throwing a fit in the back. "Where the fuck is Hogan?" is his main question, but Bischoff's more concerned with where the fuck Ric Flair is. Angle, Crimson, and Yessir Nosir show up and they have a brief shoving match before being held off by security. It's like kids in the playground, except with no one shouting "Fight! Fight! Fight!".

Match 1: Ink Inc. (Jesse Neal/Shannon Moore) vs. Gunner/Murphy​

Jobber entrance for the punks. Remember when Jesse Neal was the hot new prospect? Gunner and Murphy enter to a piece of music that I'm pretty sure Alex Silva would go on to use in 2012. Remember Alex Silva? Christy Hemme is apparently away in a court in Dallas to report on the Hogan/Dixie legal battle. Remember when people gave a shit about legal proceedings in wrestling? Well, you don't remember that one, because it never happened.

This match starts as a pure beatdown of Jesse Neal. Taz gives us a bit of backstory on the Immortal security goons: they used to work security at biker bars; Gunner's an ex-Marine who served in Iraq (this is legit, obvious given how often it's played into his gimmicks); and Murphy's a two-sport college athlete and relative of legendary boxer Jack Dempsey. Jesse Neal is still over. The fans still believe in him, and TNA's probably got him on food stamps already (reminder: that actually happened). The hot tag with Shannon Moore is effective, and after a miscommunication, Murphy takes the Untitled Samoan Drop/Mooregasm Combo Finisher and is pinned. So these two are the weak contingent of Immortal? Makes sense.

The sorta-Main Event Mafia are planning their actions tonight, when Angle gets a phone call (it's 2011, how do you still have such a shitty Nokia brick-tier ringtone?) and confirms something is still on. "Up next", Jeff and Karen jarrett. Oh no.

We finally get the courthouse report. There's going to be a continuance until March 3, huh? Guess the judge decided to stall for time when he saw how much TNA had to rebook. It lasts about 45 seconds. They flew Christy out to Dallas for this? Eric Young comes out with the old pre-Immortal World Title belt, and some of his hair back, to hide. He claims to know who the second "they" are, but won't tell as Kurt Angle would kill him. He has no idea they're on air right now. The erratic concussion thing is seriously getting old.

You know what's also getting old? Karen jarrett on TV. Jeff and Karen get to give us a tour of their house. "Right there, Mr. jarrett does some of his best work" -Karen. I audibly cringed at that line. I do not want to think about Jeff jarrett in the bedroom, not now or ever. Karen backhands Kurt Angle, because of course. The kids show up, and Jeff chastises them for liking a photo with Dixie in it. Absolutely amazing television, I definitely did not want to switch off for every second of this. Definitely don't fuck this feud, fuck it completely. Back to reality, and Mr. Anderson wants to bring Jeff into the ring for a little talk before their match.

Bully Ray and Pope are in the ring now, and Bully backhands Devon by telling Pope he's a partner to rely on. He does the "you were just a sidekick for Team 3D" routine for a bit, which draws a "we want Devon" chant. Well, that's a first. Someone wants Devon. Pope's promos are as good as ever but the crowd doesn't care anymore. Some absolutely terrible booking of Pope over the past year. I hate it. Samoa Joe vs. Pope at Against All Odds is confirmed. Pope does the obvious "Sloppy Joe" line, and the guys each of these men are feuding with head down to the ring. So I guess we're doing the "two current feuds in a tag match" trope, okay then.

Match 2: Bully Ray/D'Angelo Dinero vs. Devon/Samoa Joe​

Is this a match? I don't actually hear the bell ring once. Samoa Joe chases Pope away to the ramp, where it's revealed that Pope had a money rain, but it got cut for time. Pope's money rain rating: unseen. Anyway, his escape is blocked by OKATO (I'm still lost on what the point of Okato was) so he has to run off to the side. Meanwhile, the ex-Team 3D brawl. "Devon exploding all over his brother" -Taz, not understanding phrasing as usual. The beatdown goes from ringside to the ramp, when Devon shoves Jackson James away, and only then does he call down security to break it up. Bully spits on Devon's sons (Terrence and Terrell - we'll be seeing them in future) and books it.

Match 3: Douglas Williams vs. Jay Lethal vs. Jeremy Buck - for an X Division Number 1 Contender match at Against All Odds​

Remember Jay Lethal?? Remember the X Division?? Max Buck is on commentary, for the record. Doug tries to go for the Chaos Theory early on, which is a dumbass move given that there's a third man who could easily break up the pin. "I taught him that one in the living room off the couch" -this absolutely tracks for the Bucks. "I've actually groomed my brother" -I have no idea how to respond to this. Max then fucks off from commentary because Jeremy's shoes are untied (not like you can tell with the flares and tassels). Lethal and Williams both get to work the crowd for a bit before Max distracts the referee, blocking him from seeing the Chaos Theory pin and Jeremy punting Williams right in the nuts. Jeremy rolls up Lethal, and that's it. One more contender match to go...

Bischoff is still obsessed with where Flair is. Storm says last time he saw him, they were drinking in London. Odd to make Flair being sent home by management part of the storyline, I'd think. AJ makes it clear that tonight, it ends, and Fortune won't take a backseat ever again. Hm. Sarita is Going To Win The Upcoming Match, and next week her cousin Rosita will show up. Oh hey, another familiar face! Then we get clips of Hardy and Anderson talking about tonight while they're on the European tour.

Speaking of Anderson, he's coming down! He wastes no time in calling out Hardy, and Hardy does the unexpected thing by showing up (wearing Sharpie on his face).

I notice that his theme includes the lyrics "Thank you heavenly, for my health and history". Considering what your health and history are, Jeff, I don't think you should be thanking anyone. Anderson goes for a Green Bay Packers pop in Florida, and it doesn't really succeed. "We both had a dream to hold this", says Anderson, then realises his mistake when he holds up the shitty redesigned belt. Shoots on Triple H for reason-uhh, and then drops the bitch word (which is beeped, ruining the effect). Kurt Angle's offering backup (second "they" again!), and Anderson expects us to believe that he wanted to refuse the backup. Hardy gives a weirdly face response? Was that what they were setting up past March if that certain thing didn't happen?

Mickie's taping her fists for, appropriately, a Taped Fists match. She talks up her ability in bar fights (what about ranch brawls, though? You're not very good with those, are you Mickie?). Another cringeworthy jarrett segment follows, which is essentially a demonstration of how Angle's kids are being trained to hate him and love "Daddy Jeff". The kids speak with bowed heads that makes it clear they're reading off cue cards in their laps. Cody demonstrates his love by holding up a jarrett action figure. Then tossing it on the floor. He has brought shame on the family and will be disinherited.

Match 4: Mickie James vs. Sarita - Taped Fists Match​

Sarita throws some okay punches on the ramp. This was because of Madison's loaded glove shenanigans, so we get a match where... punching! Yeah, that's it! Aim of this match: Knockout the other Knockout, as Taz explains. Against All Odds' Knockouts match will be Last Woman Standing, which is functionally similar to a KO-only match. According to Taz, "tomato" means good looking. Mickie hurts her right hand on a ring post early on, and Sarita works it. Taz on the second "they" - "Who's Steiner? Who's Kurt Angle? Who's Crimson?" Good to know commentary isn't watching the shows. Mickie gets the win with a mean left hook, but goes for the pin anyway. Crowd doesn't seem to care, sadly. Madison shows up in a TNA hoodie to smack Mickie with the glove again.

Jeff Hardy's talking to Bischoff, demanding that no one interfere. He makes the very good point that at Genesis, he would still be champion if Bisch hadn't interfered and made that match right then and there. Bisch, true to form, denies it's his fault. They claim that during the European tour, Dixie Carter appeared on Jeff Randall Live on Sky. Given that Sky was the owner of both Impact's previous UK broadcaster Bravo, and its then-current UK broadcaster Challenge, I can't imagine the questions were as tough as the voiceover says. Back in the jarrett house, Jeff's kids get hyped for the secret but get told it isn't until tomorrow. Jeff and Karen then agree to renew their vows live on Impact. Wrestling weddings, they never go wrong!

Match 5: Mr. Anderson (c) vs. Jeff Hardy - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Champ out first, but that's just to allow Hardy to jump him during his self-announcing entrance. The teenage girl demographic is in love with Hardy, still. Referee is Jackson James... again. Before the match even starts, we get a pull-apart brawl which requires two referees each, plus Al Snow and Pat Kenny to separate them. During this, Anderson actually breaks out a submission on the ground! Good for him. That's progress. By the end of the break, they've actually gotten the match underway, and seem to be no worse for wear - what a five-minute break can do for you! Anderson gets his shoulder cut early on - hope it's not Hardy's nasty drug-abuser nails, like what happened to Sting.

Hardy murders the back of Anderson's head early on with moves like a rope-hung swinging neckbreaker. Feels very tasteless. He also crotches Anderson on the ring-post which feels like it should be illegal. Speaking of things that should be illegal, Hardy doing a rear naked choke. It just feels so wrong. After all that beating, Anderson's able to recover thanks to that standard "two tired guys punch each other" spot - despite that Anderson should be in a much worse position. If you want to keep the momentum, don't go to a spot where you're treated as equals! That's wrestling 101! Unexpected move count in this match reaches 3 as Anderson lands an enzuigiri. Dueling "asshole sucks/Hardy sucks" chants. That's the kind of dueling chants I don't like.

Ref bump because OF FUCKING COURSE. Of course, an Immortal beatdown ensues, with Matt Hardy, Rob Terry, and the goons being the aggressors. Fortune show up noticeably late and slowly, so when Hardy offers Anderson up to AJ, he should surely know what to expect. Yep, that iconic moment happens here - AJ throws up the four, the rest of Fortune clear the ring of Immortal, and Hardy eats a Styles Clash. Real feel-good moment, except I don't really see it that way knowing what was meant to happen.

1. Why wasn't Fortune/Immortal the plan from the beginning? You had Hogan/Flair at odds all the time early in 2010, why wouldn't you pay that off and have their groups face off.
2. Why would you plan to use workers that you didn't have under contract?
3. Why would you show members of the second "they" attacking AJ Styles when they were on the same side?
4. Again, WHY WAS THIS THE BACKUP????

So yeah, Anderson retains. AJ gloats to Eric, whose fucking mug is not smiling at all. They're covering as well as they possibly can for the fact that this was not the plan (which, admittedly, is not very well). Styles tells Bisch how he torched WCW (a line written by the guy who poured a metric ton of fuel on the fire). He also shoots on the Nastys, Scott Hall, and Val Venis being given spots, which is pretty clearly an attempt to say "See? We were listening". Even though you weren't, and you were just going to bring back old guys until a few days ago. March 3 is the new future date, by the way. The day of the decision, and Bischoff takes it as read that Hogan will win (his head's still in the WCW booking chair).

Still, there are some ACTUAL MAIN EVENT TIER FACES again! Yes! It's refreshing. See you at the Against All Odds go-home, and hopefully not in 3 and a half months' time again.

 

[Chris]

The Fortune face turn moment was amazing

 

[Sky]

Impact February 10, 2011 - Fortune Favours the Faces​

As much as I bashed the poor planning behind the twist on last week's Impact, at least it should signal a major change. Namely, the fact that you have some actual main event-level faces now. AJ Styles in particular could easily be the one that ends Immortal, which would make sense and be interesting (after all, he was technically the first recruit). But of course, they don't care about that as much as they care about the jarrett/Angle storyline, because the first thing in the recap is a radio interview with Jeff jarrett about how amazing this storyline is. I'm not making that up, the host mentions how he likes the "reality show spin". Then they mildly reference the Fortune turn. Apparently Robert Roode wants to talk.

But he's not going to get to do it yet, because out comes what's left of Immortal. And that's the right term for it, because the star power in that stable is more than halved. Unless they think Murphy is the next big thing. Bisch is defiant, telling everyone how amazing he is. He talks about his track record of success - obviously skipping over putting himself over Ric Flair, unmasking Rey Mysterio, and the whole KISS Demon thing. He even drops the "vanilla midget" line for AJ Styles?? AJ, who is more charismatic than half the roster?

Out come Fortune, who still have their Ric Flair theme song. Jeff jarrett goads them, and somehow a brawl does not ensue. "Eric Bershoff" -jarrett. Roode's the one to interrupt him, and shows some real glimpses of being a star. He basically tells a lot of truth about how they were the ones that made TNA, not the overpriced new signings, and then calls jarrett "Slapnuts". Nice touch. And there's the brawl, which is Immortal-sided until Angle, Steiner, and Crimson make the save. Really weird how they're pushing Crimson so hard after barely a month in the company.

Card rundown - a contract signing for jarrett/Angle for Against All Odds (hoo boy), jarrett/Hardy vs. Styles/Roode, and Anderson vs. Morgan for the World Title. They really are putting Anderson through the wringer, huh? Let's hope no more concussions happen (especially against Morgan, who not even a year ago was giving Hernandez head trauma as a heel).

We cut abruptly to the back, when Velvet is squabbling with Winter. Wasn't Winter supposed to have a bit more mystique? What is this? Angelina is playing peacemaker. To her, Velvet and Winter are respectively "BFF" and "tag team partner", and if they're not on the same page they're going to get killed. Hopefully she means in a match. Bisch is in his office, buttering up Hernandez in an attempt to actually have someone in Immortal's lower ranks that's worth caring about. Dude, it's Hernandez. All you have to do is convince him that there's an unspecified wad of cash in it for him.

Match 1: Matt Hardy/Bully Ray/D'Angelo Dinero vs. Rob Van Dam/Devon/Samoa Joe - Tables Match​

That sure is a TEW booking right there. Tables match out of nowhere (presumably just because of 3D being there) and three singles feuds meshed together. Or two, because Joe and Pope immediately start brawling to the back and abandon the match! What?? We get brief previews of RVD vs. Matt (featuring a slingshot plancha blocked by a chair) and Bully/Devon, before Bully brings out the first table and harasses Terrence and Terrell. Then they jump the guardrail and hold Bully on the apron as Devon shoulderblocks him to fall through the table! Complete waste of a match (why involve 2 guys who won't get involved?) but that was a cool moment.

The jarretts are preparing for the contract signing, and they have a surprise in the contract. After the break, they're back in the ring, flanked by what is probably a sufficient amount of security. Are they part of Immortal too? Immortal has more security than wrestlers at this point. Karen's grating voice says something about how amazing her family is, and after Kurt shows up she puts on this really patronising tone. "She's a skank" chants. Stay classy, Orlando.

Jeff says there was no need for the violence at Genesis - tracks, given that he offered no offense. The surprise clause is this: winner gets full custody of the kids, and if Kurt loses, he has to give Karen away at the jarretts' renewal of vows. Stay classy, Russo. This is very uncomfortable. There's no brawling, as it takes place with the parties separated by a wall of security, but it does have Kurt Angle giving the expression of someone trying to hide so much pain. In fact, it reminds me of something.

There we go.

Match 2: Mickie James/Velvet Sky/Angelina Love/Winter vs. Madison Rayne/Tara/Sarita/Rosita​

Here it is, the debut of a woman who will one day pretend to care about unions when she gets fired but abandon the act when she realises she needs the money. Winter tries to do the through-the-legs entrance with Angelina, but just knocks her over. Then she interrupts Velvet's entrance. Taz thinks Earl Hebner is called "senior" official because he's old. The "cousins" have some nice chemistry early on, but maybe it's because Sarita is just that good. Angelina tags in Velvet and Winter blind tags herself in immediately - standard stuff. You don't have to complicate things. But then they forget Winter tagged in and treat Velvet as the legal wrestler for when Rosita pins her with a moonsault. Winter does get to block either of her partners from breaking the pinfall. Fun fact: none of Mickie, Madison or Tara tagged in once! This was women's wrestling in 2011.

Mickie stays behind to call Madison back to the ring. It sounds like she's going to do a pretty good promo but then Madison interrupts her to show off everything she learned from the SCREAM REALLY LOUD School of Acting. Basically she wants Mickie to leave before she loses? I couldn't hear most of it over my eardrums ringing.

Jeff Hardy tangles himself up in a ladder and gives a droning backstage promo. He sounds more like face Hardy than he used to, which gives me the idea that this was probably the plan before all the drugs happened. Angle shows up to talk to Roode and Styles about murdering Jeff jarrett. Roode goes up to Angle and... withdraws himself from the match to allow Kurt Angle to get involved? Never seen that before. The World Title is up next... in the midcard? Huh.

Match 3: Mr. Anderson (c) vs. Matt Morgan - for the World Heavyweight Championship​

Anderson doesn't address "ladies and gentlemen and assholes", but just "assholes and assholes". Before the match, Hardy shows up to watch while sat on a custom-painted ladder. They start slow, which makes me feel this match is going to get time. Morgan makes a pin attempt on a clothesline, which is not going to be believable for anyone smaller than him. They do the yay-boo punches spot very early on. Morgan hits Anderson's neck on the ring rope, which leads to a ref bump because OF FUCKING COURSE it does. Hernandez shows up and attacks Morgan, rolling him in to give an unknowing Anderson the pin. Then Hernandez kills Anderson too, along with Hardy. Guess he's in Immortal. Cool? What a weirdly paced match.

Bully Ray in the back with a towel, Taz style, ranting on Devon. He encourages him to let Terrence and Terrell get involved for a 3-on-1. Sounds cool, pretty sure it doesn't happen though.

Match 4: Brian Kendrick vs. Robbie E vs. Suicide - for an X Division Number 1 Contender match at Against All Odds​

Fun fact: this is a return! Suicide is being portrayed by Christopher Daniels, who is on Impact for the first time in a year. Remember when he got booted from the company by losing to Sean Morley? Wonder how that turned out? Apparently this was as part of the condition of his ROH release, where he couldn't appear as Daniels initially. And he gets to do his cool and very dangerous looking from-the-rafters entrance. Oh yeah, and Robbie E cut a promo immediately before about how he's Going To Win The Upcoming Match. Was trying to gloss over that because early Robbie E is painful.

Robbie E does that lift-out-of-the-corner spot, and Suicide lands in a way that looks like the same bump Eric Young took when he transitioned to being brain damaged (interestingly enough, in a match against Suicide). Daniels is just outclassing these two. At one point he makes Kendrick leg drop Robbie by slamming him down. There's a guy who shouts "COOKIE I LOVE YOU" in the crowd. In response, she goes to distract Suicide after he's hit his finisher, letting Robbie get the pin on Kendrick (who lies dead for like 20 seconds to get this spot off). Sigh... Robbie E and the Bucks for a shot at Kazarian. There's a right decision here, and I hope TNA doesn't miss it.

Promo from Ink Inc, and Shannon Moore's rambling on about how they represent a minority of society who choose to look stupid. Jesse Neal goes on to make what could be considered to be an open challenge, but kind of not? So they could easily duck out if they have to face a team who matter. Card rundown for Against All Odds, including the newly added match of the Immortal losers' club (Gunner/Murphy/Rob Terry) vs. Beer Money and Steiner. Wonder how hard Storm and Roode will have to try to carry that one. Devon's got his boys in the back, and is reiterating his challenge to a 3-on-1. And yet, it is very much not a 3-on-1. Talk about underdelivery.

Match 5: Immortal (Jeff Hardy/Jeff jarrett) vs. AJ Styles/Kurt Angle​

Hardy continues to do his poses like he's a face, but then shakes his head at the fans to remind them that he's a heel. Speaking of face/heel dynamics, it must be really cathartic for the crowd to be able to cheer Styles again. He's cool as fuck, and him being a heel against EV2.0 and alongside Immortal did not make one lick of sense. Great moment at the start when AJ tags in Angle early so jarrett quickly tags in Hardy. SCARED COWARD Jeff jarrett, everybody. In fact, he refuses to tag in with Angle multiple times, backing away when Hardy's backed into his own corner. But then he's enthusiastic about joining the fray when AJ is in. Storytelling. Why can't all matches be like this?

Another casualty of the Hardy heel turn: his style. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Jeff Hardy should not be doing rest holds. It's not the natural order of things. Finally jarrett comes in for Angle when he's suitably downed, and we get another uncomfortable "injection of real life" moment where Jeff jarrett chokes Angle against the rope whilst Karen berates him. I'd hate to be Kurt Angle at that moment, or indeed any time in the first half of 2011. They do that "get a kick caught, then hit an enzuigiri" spot, but of course because it's Kurt Angle, he transitions it into the ankle lock! Very cool!

Hardy tries to do a top rope move like old times, but Angle catches up to him and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. It's a really nice spot. I always thought the belly-to-belly was one of the only suplexes that made sense off the top rope. Most of the others look too complex to set up. Angle's about to get the ankle lock again, but jarrett gives him the runaround as usual, complete with annoyance from Karen. That doesn't stop AJ getting the Phenomenal Forearm for the win. That has to be one of the first times that move was used as a finisher.

Nut shots from jarrett for both of the faces, then it devolves into a Fortune/not-Mafia vs. Immortal brawl, which Immortal is winning (even having to deal with RVD) before Mr. Anderson comes out to save the faces. You know what they say, Ken, if you stand tall on the go-home... See you there.

Next up: Against All Odds

Mr. Anderson (c) vs. Jeff Hardy - Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Madison Rayne (c) vs. Mickie James - Last Woman Standing Match for the Knockouts Championship
Robbie E vs. Max Buck vs. Jeremy Buck - X Division Championship Number 1 Contender's Match
Kazarian (c) vs. winner of above - for the X Division Championship
Kurt Angle vs. Jeff jarrett - for the Custody of Kurt/Karen's Children, if jarrett Wins, Angle Must Give Karen Away
Bully Ray vs. Devon - Street Fight
Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Hardy
Samoa Joe vs. D'Angelo Dinero
James Storm/Robert Roode/Scott Steiner vs. Immortal (Gunner/Murphy/Rob Terry)​

 

[Chris]

I remember Angle/Jarrett at Against All Oddsbeing amazing despite the stip lol

 

[Sky]

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