WrestleMania 29
So… this was a shitty WrestleMania, but it did give us one thing… or rather, 3. Every single one of the 3 big matches from this show had a moment which has since become a meme.
Match 1: The Shield def. Randy Orton, Sheamus & Big Show (10:33)
Every Shield match I go back and watch is so surreal, because all 3 of them have since become the biggest names of the modern era. Orton, Sheamus and Big Show all came down together to show ‘unity’. But JBL called it before the match began, 3 great individuals cannot beat a great team. That was reflected pretty well in this match. The Shield work together as a team while the other team are out for themselves. Towards the end, Sheamus is crawling to make the tag, and Orton reaches in to tag Sheamus, who was reaching for Big Show. Orton goes buck wild and is about to RKO Ambrose, until Seth springboards in for the distraction. Seth gets hit with an RKO, allowing Roman to run in and hit the Spear, allowing Ambrose to pin him. That’s one thing I thought was cool about the Shield. They weren’t allowed to take a gamble to get the W. I don’t think Seth was trying to get RKO’d, but if it bought Roman time to get in to hit that Spear, it was worth it. Of course, Big Show turns on his team after the match, which probably had to be his 78th heel turn.
My Rating: ***1/4
Match 2: Mark Henry def. Ryback (8:02)
Wow. This was shit. First of all, they pulled the same thing with Ryback here that they pulled with AJ Styles in 2016. Where he loses at WrestleMania and somehow still gets a world title match at the next PPV. Anyway, this was terrible. You have two powerful big guys here and you go with the typical boring, “gotta get heat” “I gotta sit on him” style. Just let those hands be thrown! Henry basically wears down Ryback the whole match. Ryback gets a brief comeback in at the end, and he picks up Henry for the Shell Shock, but then he falls forward with Henry falling on top of him. Henry wins via literally squashing Ryback. Henry tries to do more damage after the match, but then Ryback clotheslines him and then he hits the Shell Shock, but after the match that he already lost, so he just looks like a nerd here.
My Rating: 1/2*
Match 3: WWE Tag Team Championship Match - Team Hell No (c) def. Dolph Ziggler & Big E. Langston (6:17)
Ziggler was 24 hours away from cashing in to become the World Heavyweight Champion to the biggest ovation of his career. So this match is largely forgotten. AJ Lee was Dolph’s onscreen girlfriend at the time, so to mock Daniel Bryan, Ziggler calls AJ up to give her a kiss, then he turns around into a kick to the head and I remember thinking that was it. Ziggler goes outside to retreat, but Bryan takes him out with a suicide dive. Bryan tags in Kane after Dolph tags in Big E. who is wrestling his first match on the main roster. It’s a fast paced match, and Dolph swings at Kane with the MITB briefcase, and Kane ducks before he chokeslams Ziggler to the mat, before he tags in Bryan, who hits the diving headbutt from the top rope for the win.
My Rating: **1/2
Match 4: Fandango def. Chris Jericho (9:11)
Even if everyone expected Fandango to win, this was made to be a huge upset, because duh. Jericho pretty much schools Dango in the beginning because he has far more experience. Dango gets some of his offense in and wears down Jericho. He gets to hit his legdrop from the top rope, which Jericho kicks out of. Fandango gets his knees up on a Lionsault, unfortunately, he’s too close to the ropes and Jericho totally jumps over him. But Jericho tries to put Dango in the Walls of Jericho, and Dango counters it into a small package to win in his debut match.
My Rating: **1/2
Match 5: World Heavyweight Championship Match - Alberto Del Rio (c) def. Jack Swagger (10:30)
Never before had the World Heavyweight Title felt like a midcard title. First of all, they made it pretty clear that they favored one world title over the other with this show. Second, it wasn’t even built up like a potential main event, not that anyone would’ve bought into that anyway because… I mean come on. As much as I hate to give this match any credit… this was a decent, solid, functional match. Swagger worked on Del Rio’s ankle while Del Rio worked on Swagger’s shoulder to set up for their signature submissions. The crowd chants “we want Ziggler” during this match and so did I. Del Rio forces Swagger to tap out in one of the most midcard world title match ever.
My Rating: ***
Match 6: The Undertaker def. CM Punk (22:07)
When I saw this show was next on my list, I was excited and it was solely for this match. I watched this show live and I went into it expecting this to steal the show and I was right on the money. This match was awesome. For the 7th WrestleMania in a row, Undertaker puts on a MOTY candidate. The first move made in the match is a slap. Punk ducks under a punch from Taker, and Punk slaps him in the face. He does it not once but twice. Just trying to infuriate Taker. Halfway through the match, Undertaker tears apart the spanish announce table and tries to Last Ride Punk through it. But Punk drops behind Taker, who turns around into a side kick to the head from Punk. Undertaker falls back, flat on the table, and Punk goes up the top rope and hits an elbow drop onto Taker on the table, which doesn’t break. The referee nearly counts Taker out, but Taker just makes it back in at 9. Punk crawls over and gets put in the Hell’s Gate, but Punk counters that into an Anaconda Vice. But Undertaker sits up while in the Vice, and stares into Punk’s eyes, who looks back in horror. Our memeable moment here. CM Punk hits a GTS, and Undertaker bounces off the ropes and picks Punk up to hit a Tombstone Piledriver, which Punk kicks out of! I remember losing my mind when I watched this match! The referee gets bumped, and Punk hits a knee in the corner, but from that position, Undertaker picks him up in a Powerbomb position for a Last Ride, but Paul Heyman throws the urn to Punk, who hits Taker in the back of the head with it, and gets a 2 count! Punk does the throat slash taunt, and picks Undertaker up for another GTS, but Undertaker reverses it into a Tombstone position. Undertaker goes 21-0! This was just as awesome now as it was then! I love this match!
My Rating: ****1/2
Match 7: No Holds Barred Match with Triple H’s career on the line - Triple H def. Brock Lesnar (23:58)
Sadly, the other 2 “main events” wouldn’t be able to live up to that. First of all, Triple H looks like a badass and a goof at the same time in his entrance. His stomach is coated in dry ice and he just marches to the ring like it’s nothing. Dry ice may not sound that bad, but I’ve touched that shit before and it wasn’t pleasant. It’s a brawl early of course. But Brock takes control and puts HHH through the spanish table, and roars, which is our second memed moment of the evening. Shawn Michaels is in the corner of Triple H and his purpose is get shitcanned by Brock here. Brock elbows Shawn when he gets on the apron and Shawn later tries to superkick Brock for it. But Brock catches his foot and Shawn takes an F5, but then Triple H gets up and hits the Pedigree on Brock for a 2. He goes outside to grab his signature sledgehammer and he tries to use it, but he gets an F5, and he kicks out of it. Triple H gets the Kimura Lock put on him and he’s in it for a long time. Triple H soon enough, wraps Brock’s arm around the ring post and smashes it with a chair. Then he puts Brock in the Kimura Lock. Heyman gets in with a chair, but he gets a superkick from Shawn, which is the most poppable moment of the match. Triple H has Brock in the Kimura for a while now, but Brock gets out of it by slamming Triple H into the steel steps in the ring, but ends up spiking himself into it. Then Triple H finishes it with a sledgehammer shot and a Pedigree on the steps. Triple H doesn’t have to retire.
My Rating: ***
Main Event: WWE Championship Match - John Cena def. The Rock (c) (23:59)
This is one of those matches that makes you question why you’re a WWE fan. WWE had this planned out a few years in advance, where Rock would beat Cena in the first match, and Cena would win the rematch. But what happens when somebody catches fire in that span of time like CM Punk had? Guys who people feel are more deserving of the main event spotlight get passed over because Vince had this planned out already. It just makes your investment feel like a waste is all I’m saying. And on top of that, nobody wanted this match. Absolutely nobody. They wanted the first match, but absolutely nobody was asking for a rematch. Whatever, onto the match now. The first half is pretty boring to be honest, it’s a lot of nothing. And Rock apparently gets hurt very early so that probably hurts it as well. The latter half is decent, but it’s really a whole lot of finisher spams. I think Cena kicked out of 3 Rock Bottoms while Rock kicked out of 2 AA’s. Admittedly, it heightens the drama a little bit, and why wouldn’t they want to end it at that point. But still, it kinda takes away my belief when they keep kicking out. The one thing I did like about this match is how they played the finish to their last match into this one. Rock does the “you can’t see me” taunt before he goes for the Rock Bottom, but Cena gets up to hit an AA which Rock kicks out of of course. Then Cena hits the Rock Bottom on Rock, then tries for the People’s Elbow like he does last year, but he hangs back on the ropes as Rock gets up. Eventually, after what feels like the 7th AA, Cena beats The Rock to redeem himself from the previous year…. Good for him I guess. Solid match actually, but I had no investment in it whatsoever. Everyone knew Cena was winning and nobody wanted that. Honestly, what would’ve saved the show, is if Cena turned heel after the match. Now would’ve been the time to pull that trick.
My Rating: ***
Cagematch Rating: 5.53
My Rating: 5.5/10
This WrestleMania… stunk. WrestleMania is supposed to be WWE’s season finale (I don’t care what WWE says about it being a random Raw in October) You would think you’d want to end your season the best way possible. This card doesn’t give me the feeling of a WrestleMania. Like, Ryback vs Mark Henry? Fandango vs Chris Jericho? Del Rio vs Swagger for the definitely less important than the WWE Title championship? Are you sure this is WrestleMania and not an episode of Raw? It doesn’t start to feel like WrestleMania until we get to Undertaker vs Punk, which saves this show from getting a lower rating.
Next it’s looking like we’ve reached the end of the line, because we’ve hit a roadblock… You probably forgot about this show so you might not get the joke. It’s Roadblock: End of the Line. I didn’t remember it either, it’s okay.