Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #1046
Abyss vs. Mr. Anderson
8 Card Stud Tournament Semi-Final Match
TNA Against All Odds - February 14, 2010​

See, this is why we did Genesis first. You needed the context of how rotten Anderson and Abyss were together the first time. So TNA, in all their wisdom, decided to double up. 2.67/10 according to Cagematch.

Anderson is trying and failing to get Abyss off his feet early on. He goes for a crossbody and just bounces. He just fucking bounces. Abyss does a little girlish giggle at this for some reason. "Like falling off a building" Taz says, after Anderson stops selling the slam that just happened and gets up. Big boot and clothesline sends Anderson TO THE OUTSIDE and it's so damn lazy. Punching and hitting against the furniture, you've seen it all before. I must have seen hundreds of identical matches to this one. They all blur together. Anderson gets an elbow up and takes out Abyss' knee. Sadly, because this isn't good, Abyss doesn't fake retirement, tell a dirty joke, and then poke Anderson in the eye. (Yes, a second DDT reference today.)

Anderson goes for a mask rip like a true rudo. He tangles Abyss' knee on the rope and dropkicks it. Abyss is just too powerful though, teasing a chokeslam but only doing a back body drop. Sidewalk slam for two. Anderson seems to be trying the Mic Check but Abyss is too big for that. Sitout Shock Treatment for two. I don't know, it's just so generic. Anderson knocks off the knee again, jumps into a chokeslam attempt, but Abyss yanks the mask. He's blinded so he tries to chokeslam the ref. Anderson takes advantage with a Mic Check for the win. The creative finish absolutely falls flat. Though to be fair, it's the Impact Zone, the second coming of Jesus would fail to get a pop.

Kind of the same as the previous match. Yawn.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1047
Team 3D/Brother Runt vs. The Nasty Boys/Jimmy Hart
TNA Impact - March 15, 2010​

This wasn't the match I was going to take care of next, but it's on the same show and come the fuck onnnnn. Jimmy Hart wrestling in a rematch of Against All Odds with extra bells and whistles. This will redefine bad, surely. This was going to be Team 3D and Jesse Neal but the Nastys murdered Jesse before the show. So instead we get a nostalgia pop!

Starts off similarly to the previous match with Sags applying his limited moveset to Devon until Devon takes control back. Tagging into Spike Dudley next is probably not the best strategic move, but he holds his own for a few seconds before they take him to Pitty City. The Nastys bully him more until they let Jimmy Hart in and do his shitty stomps. He tries to use a belt but misses and it's time for a hot tag and everyone just stops tagging. Ray splashes both Nastys and Spike does a double axe handle to the outside. Hart gives the helmet to Knobbs again who uses the chaos to clock Ray. Jimmy Hart now has a pinfall victory over one of the most decorated tag team wrestlers of all time. Nothing comes of this as the Nastys are fired within a month for starting a fight in front of execs. Maybe just don't hire them?

Really very poor.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1048
Kevin Nash vs. Scott Hall
$25000 Five Minute Challenge Match
TNA Impact - March 15, 2010​

Okay, this is what I was going for. Lazy Kevin Nash vs. a possibly-drunk man in a hoodie with "WOLF PAC" scrawled on it in marker. 0.80/10 according to Cagematch. Is that right? Probably!

What the hell happened to Hall? He has no idea how to sell anything Nash is doing. It's a shame because somehow Nash has his selling boots on. Maybe it's because it's one of his boys. They call Nash's offense "familiar" which is a nicer way of saying "same old, same old". We're like, two minutes in before Sean Waltman rears up his ugly head and takes out Nash's knee. No DQ called, which makes Taz wonder why the ref is there. The other Band members handcuff Nash to the corner and beat him up. Out comes Eric Young to make the save but he gets wrecked. Waltman does the X-Factor and humps EY's face. Hall has the money. I guess that means he wins? Who knows?

Vince Russo's total disregard for the structure that makes wrestling work strikes again. Baffling stuff.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1049
Tara (c) vs. Daffney
for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA Destination X - March 21, 2010​

All of that ludicrousness was a setup, of course, to Destination X. Which means I've got to follow through on that! But there's 2 other matches of note here. This is the first, a match that - despite featuring Daffney - only managed to muster up a quarter of a Dave star. How'd that happen? Probably just by being a North American women's match, knowing him. Let's go.

Taz reckons the tiny little hat Daffney wears is made in Indonesia. Tara's right hands are really not good. She pops the crowd more by taking her shirt off than hitting a standing moonsault. Daffney trips Tara in the corner and does some nasty slingshot-like stomps. She hits a low blow leading Taz to check whether there's a yam-bag there. Daffney stops the ref from telling her off by screaming at him. Tarantula Hold by Tara! Daffney revives the old Moolah classic of five hair-mares in a row. She then neutralises that criticism by pulling out the Leggo My Eggos (leg chickenwing, Delfin Clutch-type leg position with the crooked leg across the neck). And you know the way to my heart is to use an obscure submission. Tara manages to get an arm out and swing it to break the hold.

Enzuigiri by Tara for a double down. She then stands around while Daffney does a spinebuster bump around her. Daffney does a bridging Northern Lights suplex for two. Then Tara does a spinning sidewalk slam which was a nice move. Daffney rakes the eyes and lays in the Daff-knees for another two. TO THE OUTSIDE we go for one charge against the rail and nothing else, and immediately this match loses any chance of being green. Back in the ring, Daffney does a weak belt shot, misses, and gets killed on the spot by a Widow's Peak. But Daffney has Poison now! This feud will continue!

Yeah, I'm going to have to cover the Daffney injury saga in future. This match was kind of fine but with a flat finish and a little too slow for my liking.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1050
Rob Terry (c) vs. Magnus
for the TNA Global Championship
TNA Destination X - March 21, 2010​

A rare PPV match for TNA's tertiary title with more names than anyone can possibly count. This is a DUD, says Dave. And I mean, yeah. It's Rob Terry and pre-relevance Nick Aldis. How could it be good?

Terry is a big intense lad who tosses Magnus and bumps him about with clotheslines. Magnus gets a bit of edge with eye rakes and some European uppercuts. He tries a crossbody on a larger wrestler, though, which just gets you slammed. When will wrestlers learn? Spin kick, one-handed chokeslam, done.

Squash on PPV. Why?

 

[Sky]

Entry #1051
Kevin Nash/Eric Young vs. Scott Hall/Sean Waltman
TNA Destination X - March 21, 2010​

Finally, we get to this. The Band break up and Nash brings his buddy EY over. If Hall and Waltman win they get contracts. If this gets a good Cagematch score we all get pizza... what a shame, it's only 2.22/10. Let's watch.

Hall and Waltman get no music despite having it before. Commentary remarks on Hall being "ripped and structured". Hall asks how many of the crowd want to see him get a contract, and doesn't get the response he wants. We start with EY and Waltman as that's the combo here most capable of going. EY's moveset thus far is rather Steve Austin-like. Hall takes a cheap shot from outside which gives Waltman some edge. Now Hall in to do a crotch chop and work EY's arm. EY tries to crossbody a larger man. Waltman back in and he and EY conspire to botch a back body drop. He launches EY to the OUTSIDE for a dive. EY manages to turn things around and ram Waltman cock-first into the ring post.

Back in the ring Hall does a sleeper because he's so out of his mind he thinks it's the 1970s. EY tries a sleeper of his own but he's not tall enough to make it work and he gets slammed. Ref misses the hot tag to Nash because Waltman distracted him. Waltman then goes under the ring to get a spray can, and struggles to find it. "Where the fuck is it?" -Waltman. He uses the ref distraction to spray in EY's eyes. EY takes random swings to score hits, and finally tags in Nash. They stare down a bit... and then SWERVE BRO as Nash wrecks EY with a Jackknife. "Kevin Nash doing the unthinkable" -Taz, who has never seen any promotion where Kevin Nash ever wrestled. Nash Weekend-at-Bernies EY to tag him in and make him the legal man, Outsider's Edge, done.

Waltman audibly struggles to get another spray can ("Why the fuck they gotta hide it?") but eventually finds something to spray a dead body outline around the dead EY while the classic Wolfpac music plays. "Same old shit" chants.

And yeah, it really was the same old shit. The old guys get to look cool and there's no comeback because it's a swerve.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1052
Tara (c) vs. Daffney
First Blood Match for the TNA Knockouts Championship
TNA Impact - March 29, 2010​

Guess we're doing the Daffney abuse saga now. I hate this I hate it I hate it.

This starts as a JB backstage interview with Tara, who hypes up the First Blood stip. Daffney attacks her and they go at it in the interview area. "Crazy freaking bitch" says Tara as she bashes Daffney's face against some grating. One ad break later they've made it to the entrance way, and it's all just Tara shoving Daffney into things. "CHECK HER!" says Daffney, in her first offence in seven kayfabe minutes, before biting a nonexistent wound. They get to the announce table before Tara drags Daffney down stairs. Mike Tenay's headset is apparently broken. Daffney throttles Tara with wires and brings her to ringside. She gets her toolbox out and hits Tara with a broomstick. until it breaks. She threatens to stab Tara right in the brain but Tara fights back. Widow's Peak but it doesn't make anyone bleed.

What does is throwing the toolbox at Daffney's head.

And that's what makes this a red match. Yeah, spoiler alert, it's a red. There is no reason to judge this as anything else. First of all, there was no room to blade there, so an entirely full toolbox was chucked at Daffney's head to bust her open hardway. If that sounds like a recipe for a concussion, you're right! It did cause her some nasty brain damage which, later in her life, made her unable to go out in daylight because it hurt her head too much. And contributed to the mental health issues that ended her life. So yeah, fuck you, whoever thought of that spot.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1053
Roxxi vs. Rosie Lottalove
TNA Impact - June 3, 2010​

And now we continue the Daffney abuse tour, with a match that doesn't even feature Daffney. Why's this? Because Rosie got this gig after legitimately injuring Daffney in a dark match, both crushing her lungs by dropping 300 pounds of backside on her and giving her a stinger off a nasty sitout powerbomb. And they SHOWED CLIPS OF BOTH SPOTS. I am left wondering whether I can rate something a red match purely for featuring a wrestler that shouldn't have been employed, but that opens up a can of worms involving certain individuals. So instead I've got to endure this.

During Rosie's entrance, on top of the Daffney injury clips, they cut to a fan amazed by that figure. Also, I know they couldn't license "Whole Lotta Rosie" for this woman, but at least they could get Dale Oliver to write something similar. Roxxi's way over. "Wild Snorlax" chants for Rosie, as well as another fat joke I can't make out. "A teddy, that might be a Theodore" -Tazz on Rosie's gear. She does some power stuff, misses a corner hip attack and then Roxxi can attack again. Madison Rayne hits Roxxi with a belt from the outside to help Rosie, but she refuses to take advantage and gets rolled up (in a "big package", says Taz). Madison isnt happy with Rosie, so Rosie chokeslams her and cuts a body positivity promo. Then kisses JB.

Absolute nothing match worth documenting only to show off that they debuted a new monster heel who wasn't ready for the ring, then had her lose and turn babyface in two minutes. That's TNA!

 

[Sky]

Entry #1054
Roxxi/Rosie Lottalove vs. Velvet Sky/Lacey Von Erich
TNA Impact - June 10, 2010​

Rosie only ever had two televised matches. One that was her debut... and this one, which I am genuinely seeing for the first time! This match was cut from the US feed which was the one I did the first several months of my 2010 watch with. Only international viewers got this, like every episode of Xplosion ever. So, here it is. The lost 2010 match. Rosie Lottalove's second and final TNA match. Is it bad? Well, obviously!

Before the match MCMG come out with pro-Rosie signs and join commentary. They reckon they're not given the Tag Title shot they're owed because they're acually KO Tag Team Title contenders. They should try that to get on WWE TV these days. Velvet and Rosie have a pose- and twerk-off. Lacey needs time to stretch before coming in and Rosie tosses her away like a sack of shit. Lacey shows off her intelligence by trying to scoop slam a woman 3 times her size. All the while, Taz and MCMG are making lewd jokes and it's uncomfortable. Roxxi shows off that she can actually wrestle for about 10 seconds before bringing back in Rosie. Lacey takes the ugly stick and knocks out Rosie's knee. The BPs do a sort of rolling leg snap that has no impact and gets no pop. Rosie rolls into a hot tag to Roxxi and should get the win because Velvet's pin breakup is late. Voodoo Drop, done. Big brawl to finish and set up Slammiversary.

Really not great, obviously.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1055
The Beautiful People vs. Sarita/Daffney
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship Tournament First Round Match
TNA Impact - December 9, 2010​

We conclude the sad story of Daffney with her final TNA appearance. As an irrelevant fifth wheel (including Winter, remember) in a tournament match she was never going to win. After making a workers' compensation claim against TNA for the bullshit she'd been through, she was quickly shoved off TV. She was only brought back because they'd managed to retire or alienate every other woman in a 500-mile radius, apparently. Let's get it over with.

Crowd is only chanting for Daffney, despite her being a heel and off TV for months. Sarita calls Velvet out for being useless unless she's got Angelina nearby. Velvet interrupts the attack with Maximum Catfight Offense. The chant is "thank you Daffney", because they know she's done. Velvet busts out an armbar, and Daffney pops the crowd by breaking up the pin. Crowd wants Daffney, Sarita says she doesn't give a fuck what the crowd wants, but tags in Daffney anyway. Stalling powerslam and big boot gets two. Daffney holds Velvet back so Sarita can get a shot in, You Know This... actually, no you don't, Velvet just lamps Daffney with an elbow and Sarita's punch misses by a mile. Double down, time for the hot tag to Angelina. Not beating Sarita's allegations, are we? Crowd loves Daffney but Angelina wrecks her. Jawbreaker, take out Sarita, Lights Out, done. Sarita calls Daffney useless.

A fitting end to a horrific mistreatment of a genuine star.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1056
Jerry Lynn (c) vs. Ron Killings
Lumberjack Match for the NWA-TNA X Division Championship
NWA-TNA PPV #14 - September 25, 2002​

Oʜ ʙᴏʏ. I'ᴍ ʀᴇᴀʟʟʏ ᴇxᴄɪᴛᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ʙᴀᴄᴋ ɪɴ 2002 ᴀɢᴀɪɴ. Tʜɪs ɪsɴ'ᴛ ᴘᴀɪɴғᴜʟ ᴀᴛ ᴀʟʟ ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ. Tʜᴇʀᴇ's ᴛᴡᴏ ᴍᴀᴛᴄʜᴇs I'ᴍ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ᴀᴛ ᴏɴ ᴛʜɪs sʜᴏᴡ. Tʜɪs ɪs ᴡᴇɪʀᴅ ɢɪᴠᴇɴ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ X Dɪᴠɪsɪᴏɴ ᴡᴀs ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ɢᴏᴏᴅ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ 2002 TNA. Iᴛ's ᴀ 3.38 ᴏɴ Cᴀɢᴇᴍᴀᴛᴄʜ. I'ᴍ ᴛᴏᴛᴀʟʟʏ ɴᴏᴛ sᴜғғᴇʀɪɴɢ.

They could really only afford four lumberjacks, and one of them was Jorge Estrada. Truth is the current NWA World Champ who's annoyed at the attention on the X Division. He tries to rest outside of the ring early but this goes about as well as you'd expect. Lynn does some classic X Division punching, for the most part. He gets a flying bulldog off the second rope at least. Truth cuts him off by dragging him into the corner by the penis, then does his high spot: a shoulderblock off the top. Just like his hero John Cena! Wheelbarrow buster by Truth gets two. Kid Kash is the token heel lumberjack who attacks Lynn rather than Truth. AJ Styles is on the ramp scouting his next competition.

Truth does that shoulder package neckbreaker that Damian 666 always did. ROPE CHOKING! He's got some cool as fuck snap powerslams, though, which you know he pulls out. Truth does a front facelock and uses the ropes, and the ref at least isn't stupid as he notices the rope having moved even when Truth is off it. Lynn recovers and does a comeback. He does a few good kicks and a sitout powerbomb for two. He goes for a German but Truth gets out with a classic dick kick while the ref is cornered. Now the lumberjacks are distracting the ref, Truth wants the Consequence, but countered and Low Ki gets a shot in. TKO by Lynn, it's over.

Rather inoffensive match but disappointingly slow. Was expecting far worse.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1057
Jeff Jarrett vs. BG James
NWA-TNA PPV #14 - September 25, 2002​

And here's what I came for. It's early TNA Jeff Jarrett, so expect bullshit and brawling on the outside. That's what you come to see when you order a PPV called Total Nonstop Action, right? Right?? 1.27/10 on Cagematch, yikes. Surely not?

Dogg botches his entrance spiel by talking over the announcer. Big fight feel: just add staredown! There's remarkably few moves in the early going. Dogg hits an inverted atomic nutshot and his knee drop, and Jarrett does an enzuigiri. Otherwise, punches and stomps. Dogg Shakes, Rattles, and Rolls and then we go TO THE OUTSIDE. Chair shots in front of the ref. This sends Jarrett into the crowd, and I'm so over brawling into the crowd. It feels lazy now. Jarrett gets a chair of his own. We soon make it back to ringside (super inorganically) and Jarrett uses the broadcast table in various ways along with his chair. Commentary mics are broken. Back in the ring, body guillotine as Jarrett is working the neck. This results in a sleeper because yeah, I'd rather be sleeping (also something something seventies). A TNA chant starts, which tells me what I need to know about the intelligence of Nashville crowds.

Dogg fights out and tries his own sleeper but eats a back suplex. These two know how to work punches, which would hype me up a bit if I hadn't seen every kind of cynical laziness in this match already. During cornered punches Dogg shoves away and bumps the ref, which lets Jarrett grab and set up another chair in the corner. Dogg manages to stop himself and ram Jarrett into the chair. Elix Skipper tries to get involved but gets killed. Brian Lawler holds Dogg back for Jarrett but You Know This Spot. Finally Jarrett lamps Dogg with a chair shot to the concussion zone (or "head"). Dogg kicks out, stops selling, Pumphandle Slam. After a century the interference causes a DQ. Scott Hall and Sean Waltman make the save before Truth comes back to nail every babyface in sight with the belt.

So boring, so lazy. Every TNA 2002 main event is like this.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1058
BG James vs. Sonny Siaki
NWA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contenders' Tournament Semi-Final Match
NWA-TNA PPV #20 - November 6, 2002​

Another fucking Road Dogg match? Really?? He's never been good as a single, and yet so many bookers have tried. 2.50/10 according to Cagematch.

Dogg does a spiel about wanting to dance so Siaki beats on him. Dogg Shakes, Rattles, and Rolls as it's pretty much the only crowd pleasing spot he can do. Unlike his opponent, Siaki does not know how to work punches. He works Dogg's leg a bit with a few leg drops. At one point he wrenches Dogg's knee around his own neck. This is just so limp though. Dogg does a roll-up. Siaki really struggles to put on some sort of leg submission. It's like a Muta lock without the neck crank and also shit. Dogg somehow manages to kick Siaki TO THE OUTSIDE and fuck will it ever end. These seven minutes have felt like seven years. BG's still struggling with the knee. Siaki does a neckbreaker. Jerry Lynn show up for a distraction because Russo can't do anything without shenanigans. Dogg does his knee drop even with the bad knee. He counters an attempted neckbreaker, pumphandle slam, finished.

Dreadful. Bland. Soporific. I'm out of words.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1059
Syxx-Pac vs. Brian Lawler
NWA World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contenders' Tournament First Round Match, Winner Gets April
NWA-TNA PPV #20 - November 6, 2002​

Why a first round match after a semi-final match? Because of an injury, I think. No idea. Probably Russo nonsense. Anyway, this is not only part of the tournament, this is part of a storyline involving Brian Lawler's jealousy over his girlfriend April. I'm pretty sure when Jarrett told Lawler "I want you to be the Randy Savage of my company" that's not what either of them had in mind. 0.86/10 says Cagematch.

Lawler chooses the interesting tactic of hiding under the ramp (after he's already made an entrance) to attack Waltman from behind. Bell rings and already there's ROPE CHOKING! Lawler wanted April to interfere but she didn't. "COME ON, MOTHERFUCKER" -Waltman, not selling. April continues to refuse to interfere. Waltman gets a back kick but he tweaks a hip injury. TO THE OUTSIDE where Waltman gets taint-busted into a ring post. Lawler argues with a fan. He wastes time going up top so Waltman rolls away. Powerbomb by Waltman, and soon after the bronco buster. He forces a kiss on April like a true babyface which obviously puts Lawler into a rage state. "She's a crack whore" -the crowd. Lawler wants April to interfere ("come here, you cunt" -boyfriend of the year) which lets Waltman get a win with the X-Factor, and steals April for himself.

And then Lawler fakes a heart attack to bring April back to him. What the fuck is this. "Die die die" chants. I mean, I'm not exactly going to save the fucker's life.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1060
Chris Harris vs. Brian Lee
NWA-TNA PPV #24 - December 4, 2002​

Last for today I think, will be this horrid looking quadruple header. On the very same show that Vince Russo declared the birth of Sports Entertainment Xtreme and the Harris boys murdered Nashville crowd favourite Athena, there were also three matches involving AMW and the New Church. This is the first of the three, with the Wildcat against the fake Taker. There's a bullrope match later where each AMW member who wins his match gets his hands on James Mitchell. 2.75/10 says Cagematch, and why not?

Oh yeah, all that Russo nonsense happened after Harris' entrance but before Brian Lee's. We start on the outside, why not cut to the shitty, shitty chase? Bashing against every bit of furniture. The most athletic thing that happens is Harris tackling Lee on to the announce table. Back in the ring Lee knees Harris in the penis right in front of the ref. ROPE CHOKING by Slash and Mitchell. Lee finally does a move, with a slam and a sliding elbow. Soon after he goes up top with a knee drop but Harris rolls away. Time for Harris' comeback, all basic stuff. Belladonna (sadly missed) gets on the apron so Harris drags her into the ring and teases Catatonic but Lee hits him with a boot for two. Mitchell tries to toss a spike in but Harris spears Lee for the win.

Why the fuck did Brian Lee have a job in 2002? He's just so epically limited.