Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #982
Bruce (c) vs. Christie Ricci
for the Miss TNA Crown
NWA-TNA PPV #13 - September 18, 2002​

But of course, TNA returned from the dead thanks to Dixie Carter, who would define the company's direction for a decade and a half. Maybe she wanted to see more Bruce. So naturally, on the first show back, more Bruce was what we got. This was on the same show with Screech vs. the timekeeper, by the way. Great investment, Dixie! Here's Bruce vs. Glory from Wrestlicious.

"Thanks for last night, Miss TNA" sign in the crowd. Bruce is now technically the longest reigning champion in TNA history. Hermie Sadlertalks over Bruce's promo which is merciful. The crowd wants Athena. They don't get Athena, they get Christie. Bruce opens the ring ropes for her and then starts smacking her around. With pretty much exclusively hair-tossing. Big suplex by Bruce, he grabs the hair again, and uses a powerbomb for the finish. Bruce celebrates but Sadler comes up and beats him off (out of the ring).

And so begins the Second Phase of Bruce. The gay panic feud phase. Anyway this "match" blew.

 

[Sky]

Entry #983
Jeff Jarrett/Bruce vs. BG James/Hermie Sadler
NWA-TNA PPV #17 - October 16, 2002​

Our next stop on the Bruce pain train is when he started having actual matches with men again. And hoo boy it's Hermie Sadler. The guy who to this point has a perfect win record in TNA. This is an odd pair of the feud at the top of the card (Jarrett vs. BG James) and a weird freakshow. 1.43/10 says Cagematch. I wouldn't doubt it. Let's go.

Today's anti-Bruce sign of the day is so distasteful they had to pixelate it. "Bruce fears yeast infections" is thankfully a cleaner one. James gets on the mic and calls Bruce a bundle of sticks before Jarrett bashes Sadler for being a shit racer. Jarrett kicks off with James and we get standard Memphis brawling until James comes in with a jumping forearm. Dropkick to the neck gets two. Bruce comes in and shakes his ass for James. Out comes Sadler. Bruce takes him down to the mat a couple of times and messes up his hair each time. Bruce does a headlock but Sadler counters and gets a hip toss. James tags in and trips Bruce over Sadler. Then he teases a nut shot but decides against it. HAHAHA FUNNY BECAUSE GAY. LAUGH NOW.

James is about to go for the pumphandle slam but Bruce humps back. Okay, that's actually a logical step. Jarrett decks James while the ref isn't looking and so begins the heel heat. Jarrett hits a leg-catch enzuigiri for two. ROPE CHOKING!! And then BOOT CHOKING from Bruce. James recovers out of nowhere and shakes, rattles and rolls on both men, getting a knee drop for two. Sadler comes in out of somewhere and hits a suplex. The two actual wrestlers go to the stage and Sadler hits a back body drop. Brian Lawler comes out with a bin and brains James. Brian Lee and a Harris are also involved for some reason. Sadler's meant to sit out on a sunset flip but botches. So Bruce reminds him to sit by HUMPING THE AIR TOWARD HIS ASS. It works, and Sadler remains undefeated.

weakly This is wrestling clap clap clapclapclap This is wrestling clap clap clapclapclap... dies

 

[Sky]

Entry #984
Jorge Estrada/Priscilla vs. Ace Steel/Bruce
NWA-TNA PPV #19 - October 30, 2002​

The main feud, if you can call it that, of this phase was with Jorge Estrada, or as he's better known, "whatever happened to Jorge Estrada?". This is mixed with the feud he and his valet Priscilla had with Ace Steel and his manager Mortimer Plumtree. And this was meant to involve Plumtree but Plumtree doesn't want to hurt a woman. 1.46/10 says Cagematch. Let's hope it at least is short.

Kick off with Steel vs. Estrada. Estrada goes through the ropes to try and shoo away Plumtree but Steel kicks the ropes. Bruce pulls Priscila's hair and Estrada goes for a dive over the ropes for the save. This threatens to be a fine X Division match until Bruce sticks his oar in and turns this into basically a handicap. Estrada gets a two-count but Steel breaks it up. Dropkick/powerbomb combo by the heels for two. Bruce slams and converts it into a... stomp to the face. Bruce is a sissy, say the fans. And a bundle of sticks. Estrada crossbody but Bruce rolls through. He points his ass at Priscilla. This is just a tag team heat segment now. They do all the spots. Double back body drop. Fast tags. Top rope move that Steel misses.

No hot tag to Priscilla because Plumtree drags him down. Estrada dodges a corner whip and goes up top for a crossbody on both heels for two. Flapjack by Steel but that just makes Estrada wipe out Bruce. Priscilla trips Steel and then Estrada hits a Kamikaze Crash and springboard moonsault. Up top for Estrada but Bruce crotches him. Then humps the rope. Twist of Cain by Steel, but he tags in Bruce to give him the pin. By humping. Ugh. The heels bend Priscilla over Plumtree's knee and spank her.

Meh. Not as terrible as it should be if you're watching on mute. I was, however, not.

 

[Sky]

Entry #985
Bruce (c) vs. Jorge Estrada
for the Miss TNA Crown
NWA-TNA PPV #20 - November 6, 2002​

And naturally we got this singles match, for the title. But the title is a women's title contested between two men. Estrada's at least said Priscilla gets the title if he wins. And now Lenny Lane is back involved, so shenanigans are on the menu. 0.90/10 says Cagematch. Obviously not gonna be wrong there.

Lenny has a banana. How subtle. The Rainbows have a pre-match hug. Bruce goes for a sunset flip and Estrada poses before going down. There's a bit of hold and counterhold and Estrada does La Magistral for two. Bruce does a monkey flip in the middle of the ring. This is actually very competent. Priscilla mounts the apron and that distraction lets the Rainbows do a powerbomb/dropkick combo. Bruce pins with his face in Estrada's cock. Again, subtle. Commentary talks about how Bruce is trying to be a serious wrestler, and they manage to come up with the line "coming out party" before I do. Estrada floats over on a corner charge and does a roll-up, Lenny tries to break up the pin, but Estrada converts to a Northern Lights suplex pinning both men for two! That's actually a great spot.

Bruce suddenly forgets how to wrestle and does the usual basic heel work. Eye raking, you know. Estrada hits a crossbody for two and Bruce does a back elbow for the same. Estrada's left on the apron, Bruce tries to sunset flip him out, and Estrada manages to convert to an outside Frankensteiner! Back in the ring Bruce does a springboard sunset flip for two. Back suplex by Estrada, then a springboard bulldog for a double down. . When we're back it's all very punchy-punchy and basic. Kamikaze Crash, moonsault, but Bruce gets the knees up. Fruit Loop by Bruce but it's broken up by Priscilla invading and... kissing Bruce? Estrada dropkicks Bruce out. Lenny goes to threaten her, but Estrada dives on to everyone. The Rainbow Express are arguing again. There's a big chase scene until Bruce slips on the banana skin Lenny left, and gets counted out. Yes, really. Bruce is #AndStill.

What the fuck was that. An actual decent exchange for three minutes, then the same old WCW Match and shenanigans with a silly finish.

 

[Barry Poppins]

 

[Emb]

Russo shit is as bad as wrestling gets

 

[Sky]

Entry #986
The Rainbow Express vs. Spanish Announce Team
NWA World Tag Team Championship #1 Contender's Tournament Semi Final Match
NWA-TNA PPV #21 - November 13, 2002​

And so, we conclude Bruce's journey as it started. With a tag team tournament. Russo's only just gotten the Rainbow Express back together and he's hotshotting their break-up. Sadly, their break-up didn't come in a match so it's not going in. But we have this, Alan Funk's last match on the TNA PPVs. What happens when two wrestlers who can do spectacular spots but can't get consistent, meet two wrestlers who are just kind of boring? Let's find out.

I'll be honest, I don't know which Maximo is which. Lenny stalls for time by going for the hug. He really flounces along on the OVW Run Thing and gets tripped up. This is apparently Joel, and Bruce grabs the hair, but Jose dropkicks Bruce off the apron and dives into him. Lenny hits what appears to be a Skull-Crushing Finale and goes for a dive of his own. Bruce humps the mat for no reason. The Rainbows use a bit of double teaming on Joel, ending in Lenny doing a camp splash and Bruce humping him from behind. Joel manages to fight back and then the SATs go for a moonsault/leg drop combo. Lenny breaks up the pin.

Lenny wipes out Jose on the apron and now he's against Joel. Joel shoves Lenny off the top but Lenny comes back and lands a headscissors for two. In comes Bruce, and the fans love him for some reason as he suplexes Joel into the turnbuckle. Dueling "Gay is OK" / "No it's not" chants. Meanwhile Joel nails Bruce (with a dropkick) and it's now Jose/Lenny. Bruce tries to get involved and do a bulldog, but gets crotched into a Tree of Woe. Lenny gets tripped into Bruce's crotch, and Jose tips them over to land in a 69 position. Nice spot, shame about the rest of this match. Fruit Loop but Joel breaks it up. Lenny pulls down the top rope and screws Bruce! He's trying to go it alone but gets kicked on the top rope and the SATs hit the Spanish Fly to finish it.

And how did it all end? Two weeks later Bruce revealed he was straight all along, and gave his Miss TNA crown to his girlfriend, April (who had been with Brian Lawler the past several months). Neither he nor the Miss TNA crown was ever seen again. A fittingly disappointing end.

 

[Sky]

Entry #987
Rachael Ellering vs. Christi Jaynes
WrestleCircus Lady of the Ring Championship #1 Contender's Match
WrestleCircus The Cody Rhodes Summer Circus Show - August 5, 2017​

It's been a long time since I talked about - well, a bad match, let's face it. But in particular, a bad match that derives from one of the competitors going into business. But tonight we'll have two of them, with the same protagonist! Rachael Ellering continues what seems to be a trend of second-generation women wrestlers with overinflated egos, and yet doesn't have the courtesy to be good at wrestling like Charlotte or even Tessa. Here she is against a woman who would later be best known as a magician's assistant in the NWA!

Ring announcer is Melissa Santos. That's a real throwback for me. Rachael has a shirt that says "learn to work". She starts by rolling TO THE OUTSIDE and challenging a bald man wearing a CJ T-shirt. CJ goes for a takedown but Rachael just doesn't move. A front facelock ends in CJ just pushing Rachael over for a pin for two. CJ gets deadweighted on a suplex and then an armdrag. She calls for a TEST OF STRENGTH SPOT but Rachael wrenches on a wristlock until CJ cartwheels out. An exchange of wristlocks, CJ sells hers but Rachael doesn't reciprocate. CJ does a rope walk armdrag and Rachael just stands there. She eventually does get dragged, very late. High knee and bulldog by CJ ends in kickout at one.

CJ's clearly setting up for a top rope headscissors but Rachael ignores it and dumps her. She hits a running senton for two. Eventually CJ gets the program and stops co-operating too, stopping on an Irish whip. "This is as close to a shoot as you are gonna see" -who was the commentator for this show? He can fuck off. Anyway, there's a staredown, Rachael goes for a big boot but CJ just stands up. Rachael offers a free hit on her knees, CJ ignores it... long staredown. They go right to the finish where Rachael has a fireman's carry, CJ does a sunset flip, and Rachael rolls right out after the pin and fucks off.

What a trainwreck this was. Clearly a certain someone got cranky over the result. Glad she was never given an opportunity to do something stupid again... oh wait.

 

[Sky]

Entry #988
Konami vs. Rachael Ellering
5★Star Grand Prix 2018 Red Stars Block Match
STARDOM 5★Star Grand Prix - September 1, 2018​

Yep, one year later, after the double whammy of her blow-up and her embarrassing Mae Young Classic endeavours, Rachael Ellering is in STARDOM for some reason. She did get dragged kicking and screaming to a good match by Mayu Iwatani, so maybe that's why she's in the 5★Star. Will she put on a strong showing against Queen's Quest-era Konami? You do know what thread you're in, right?

Rachael comes out to "Hit Me With Your Best Shot", which is ironic as we'll see. Konami has a stolen mask. Lock-up sees Rachael have the power edge instantly. She gets a fireman's carry takeover. Konami gets a headlock and Rachael lifts out of it to do one of her own. A big boot seems to blast Konami's soul out of her body, but she responds with a couple of kicks to Rachael's chest, including a pretty stiff-looking slider. She gets the arm for a while before Rachael gets the rope break. Dropkick by Konami to the arm, and Rachael kicks out just before two.

Time for Rachael to make her comeback, slamming in shots with her good arm. Cutter and a FULL-weighted senton by Rachael gets two. Konami dodges a corner charge, starts kicking again... Rachael dodges and nails an STO. Second rope leg drop by Rachael gets two. She does a really light buckle bomb. Understandable I suppose, given the bum arm. Konami catches her arm on the buckle and when we're back on the mat she's got an armbar locked in. Rachael lifts out, but that doesn't stop Konami from converting into the Triangle Lancer! "SHUT UP, DAICHI" -Rachael Ellering, on whether she'll give up. Succint and effective.

Back on feet, and Konami brings back the kicks, including an enzuigiri that really giri's that enzui. Another one has Rachael holding her head and gets two. Clearly we're on the express train to Concussion Land as a leg-catch enzuigiri and a springboard kick nail Rachael in the head again for another two. Rachael does what she does best and starts deadweighting. She tries her best Triangle Lancer setups, but Rachael just brushes it off. More kicks from Konami but Rachael does a Boss Woman Slam. "FUCK YOU, BITCH" -thanks, Rachael. Rachael does a reverse powerbomb then pins Konami with a knee on the chest for three. "Don't kick me that hard again, okay?" -Rachael to Konami post-match. Don't worry, she'll never even have the opportunity to kick you that hard again.

To the uninitiated this can just feel like a realistic struggle. But for those who know the Wrestle Circus match, you know what to look for, and you can see the signs of a match falling apart as one competitor throws a shitfit. Good thing Rachael Ellering has been forgotten since... wait, she went to WWE? and TNA? and AEW twice?