Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Comrade Khan]

ah Jake Atlas, I remember that trainwreck of a career

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #306
Veer vs. Jaxson Ryker
WWE Main Event - October 28, 2021​

Now that that's done with, I can look at the other four wrestlers who were released last night. And next up is Veer! This Main Event match happened while he was announced as coming to RAW. In fact, it aired just days after the original vignette where he was coming. Honestly, I'd have been more hyped for a vignette saying "Jaxson Ryker is Going", because Veer's opponent would finally fuck off within a month, having torpedoed Wesley Blake's career in the process (and initially Maclin's too, but he did okay for himself). And no, I didn't time this so Jaxson Ryker would be the 666th unique wrestler in this thread. Not intentionally. But I know he'd hate it that way.

Ryker is allegedly a face here. Remember when they tried to get this fucker over as a face? It didn't work! Veer pushes Ryker in the back and they stare down again. Ryker starts working the left arm (the Million Dollar one) but gets elbowed again and again by Veer using his right. Veer misses a strike in the corner with his left arm so Ryker can work it again. Ryker pushes Veer into the corner shoulder-first. They clash shoulders, then Ryker hits a shoulderblock and... something drop to the left shoulder for two. Veer hits his weird jumping splash for only one. He snaps Ryker on to his back and hits a fist drop, getting two. The silence in this match is painful.

Veer puts on a chinlock. I'm hearing "let's go Ryker", and I seriously doubt that that was an actual crowd chant, Probably some WWE backstage workers who made that audio, This is so fucking uninspiring. Sidewalk slam by Veer for two. He misses a backsplash and Ryker gets a few arm clubs. Ryker's crossbody gets two. He's going for a diving headbutt but Veer rolls away. Corner clotheslines, then the Million Dollar Arm, and that's it.

Wow, I wonder why those guys aren't currently employed by WWE? Truly a mystery. Jaxson Ryker has to be one of my least favourite wrestlers. Even considering only the on-screen product. Complete insomnia cure.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #307
Sanga vs. Xyon Quinn
WWE NXT 2.0 - June 28, 2022​

Up next, a two-for-one deal! Amazingly, Sanga's most-derided match (that I could find) also features Xyon Quinn! Even more amazingly, this happened on the same night as the much-trashed Mandy Rose vs. Nikkita Lyons encounter. Let's see why these two aren't employed anymore.

Big hairy boy Sanga's accosted by Xyon during his entrance, and they're brawling. It takes an entire ad break, a Diamond Mine backstage segment, and a graphic for the upcoming Carmelo/Grayson match to separate them for the match to start. Xyon goes out of the ring, then takes a cheap shot while Sanga's talking to the ref. Sanga's offence is wild clubbing blows, like a true 80s giant. Xyon fails to shoulderblock Sanga down. This allows the Sanga dominance to begin, with a kick to the small of the back and a clothesline out. They go out briefly but Xyon knees Sanga as he comes back in. Rope choke because zzzzzzzzzzz.

Sanga catches a kick and smacks Xyon right in the back. He then gives Xyon a Snake Eyes in two of the corners. "One more time", as the crowd want, is not forthcoming. Sanga misses an elbow drop and Xyon hits a falling shoulderblock for a one-count. Headlock segment by Xyon that drags for nearly a minute. Sanga pushes Xyon back into the corner but gets dropkicked in the back. Sanga gets a back elbow, then gets a Cobra Clutch out of pretty much nowhere. Xyon breaks out but gets powerslammed. One guy tries to start a "boring" chant. Yep. Chokeslam finishes it.

Eh. I don't really care.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #308
Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Randy Orton
Punjabi Prison Match for the WWE Championship
WWE Battleground - July 23, 2017​

Of course, the final release this go around was Jinder Mahal, who's got a much bigger repertoire of bad matches behind him. So I was left with a lot more choice, and a much juicier choice too. I eventually went with this, which is shockingly the first appearance of the Punjabi Prison in this thread! That's right, we're taking a look at WWE's worst stipulation! This apparently came about when Court Bauer showed an exploding ring deathmatch to Vince, left him with that thought, and came back to find it had morphed into this. There have been three Punjabi Prison matches, all of them bad. And it's also part of Jinder Mahal's inexplicable WWE Title run. Let's go!

Jinder's out first, wearing his grumpy heel face, and no Singh Brothers, giving us false hope that we're not going to have them interfering this time. The outer structure is lowered accompanied by Generic Indian Subcontinent BGM #4. Top tip for bookers: If Greg Hamilton takes about a minute to explain the rules of the stipulation, that is a bad stipulation. It's surreal to hear good old Tommy Facefuck on WWE commentary, with how my mind now associates him with TNA. I'm expecting him to call Eddie Edwards interfering or something.

Orton starts laying in with forearms and kicks. Jinder downs Orton and immediately calls for door number 1 to be opened, but he stops to allow Orton to stop him. Both keep trying to get through the door but are held back. This is one of the main reasons why Punjabi Prison matches are so bad: they make the worst part of cage matches the most important part of the match. The door is locked, and the two wrestlers stop wrestling for a bit to allow it to happen. Eventually they're back to generic brawly stuff. Jinder pulls out a double knee armbreaker (that's a pretty cool move), and starts working that arm with the aid of stomps and the bamboo. I'm aware of the quiet of the crowd. It's probably because they have no idea what's going on.

What's going on is a hammerlock variation by Jinder. Jinder continues to work the arm. I have no idea what the fans are chanting, but it doesn't sound positive. Jinder tries the second door, but Orton fairly unconvincingly stops him with the worked arm, which is just bad practice. Orton hits a fallaway slam. Double down, Orton drags himself to the door, but Jinder pulls him away. Neither makes it to the second door, only two left. Some fucking dweebs try to start a "let's go Jinder" chant. Jinder gets whipped, but instead tries to climb the bamboo. Orton follows behind, Jinder kicks him off, but Orton drags him off so Jinder bounces off the top rope, testicles first. You can't fake that shit! Jinder counters the Hangman's DDT and rams Orton into the cage. Fans still can't see shit. Orton suplexes Jinder into the bamboo wall a couple of times.

Orton calls for door number 3, but crawls too slowly so Jinder can stop him. Am I hearing CM Punk chants?? Orton downs Jinder with a headlock and is almost there, but Jinder snaps his arm on the rope. Door number 3 is gone. A lot of staring down on knees. Fucking stop. The geeks trying to start "let's go Jinder" chants are actually catching on. Orton gets a quick powerslap and manages to hit the Hangman's DDT after all. Orton calls for the final door, but goes for the RKO instead, letting Jinder get a high knee. Khallas gets countered into an RKO, and I get it, cool spot, but it's a long walk for not much. And after all that talk about no Singhs interference, the Singhs come out from UNDER THE RING and drag Jinder out of the door.

Orton is now forced to climb the cage, while Jinder is on the outer cage. He monkey-bars his way across, and now they're fighting on the outer cage. Orton manages to face-bust Jinder on to the floor. Singhs drag Orton down and start beating on him, because every single Jinder Mahal match is the same. Singhs toss Orton into the way of a superkick. Jinder climbs, but Orton suplexes a Singh before dragging him down again. Another suplex for one Singh before tossing another into the cage. Jinder grabs a kendo stick and cracks it against Orton. Khallas attempt but Orton rams Jinder into the cage. Now Orton's got the kendo stick and is smashing every Canadian-of-Indian-heritage in sight.

Time for Orton to climb the cage... but a Singh slips through one of the holes by Being a Cruiserweight, and chokes Orton against the cage bar. Orton manages to punch (apparently) Samir Singh off the cage so he can take an announce table bump. The far-too-long time this took allows Jinder to recover and climb up. They do a bit of fighting on the cage, Jinder dragging Orton down, you know the sort of thing. Jinder misses a kick and gets his leg caught on the cage, allowing Orton to hit a Hangman's DDT on the floor. Orton gets a steel chair, while they keep playing that Samir table bump because nothing interesting has happened since. Chair shots for Sunil and Jinder. Slowly.

Back to climbing the cage for Orton. Sunil grabs the leg but gets kicked off. Orton has no strength in his arms to do it... but Jinder's music hits? Out comes the GREAT MOTHERFUCKING KHALI. Orton's trying to climb the last bit, until Khali shakes the bamboo and brings him down. Khali CLIMBS THE CAGE and gets Orton with a one-handed choke, allowing Jinder to climb over and (eventually) win. You'd think this was the start of an Indian super-stable, but no, Khali didn't appear again to help his former storyline brother-in-law. Or indeed, appear at all until his final WWE match as a random appearance in the Greatest Royal Rumble.

Want to know how long this match lasted? 27 minutes and 40 seconds. And almost none of it containing anything of note. Absolutely wretchedly boring. Who decided this would be okay? Vince McMahon did. No idea how he wasn't institutionalised for suggesting this.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #309
The Gunn Club vs. The Factory
AEW Dynamite - August 25, 2021​

On this very special day, I decided I'd watch a bad match from one of my Birthday Twins... and you'd be surprised at how hard that one is. Chuck Taylor and Kyoko Inoue are the main ones, and neither has wrestled a "bad" match from what I can tell. Except Mercury Rising, which I already dealt with. I thought I'd hit the jackpot when ProFightDB had Orlando Jordan as an April 22 child... but turns out that was a mistake, as he's actually April 21. So instead I go to my last resort pick: Nick Comoroto! This match is from the worst rated Dynamite on Cagematch until the one with Jay White vs. Billy Gunn came along. What is it with Billy Gunn? It's all three Gunns against QT, Solo, and Comoroto. Let's see it.

Paul Wight on commentary and a jobber entrance for the Factory members. Comoroto starts with standard mid-2000s WWE power-on-power vs. Billy, but slower and sloppier. One of the Ass Boys hits a snapmare neckbreaker on Solo, but QT knocks him down. It's apparently Austin, according to commentary. Standard face-in-peril stuff. "QT sucks" chants while commentary talks about him buying a puppy. Austin fights up with some rights but Solo gets a double foot stomp for two. QT goes for two elbows, teases a third, then does a BIG WALK because he's a heel. And the heeliest thing you can do in AEW is not do flashy stuff. He crotch-chops to Billy too, leading to "Suck it QT" chants.

Comoroto applies a bearhug because it's the 70s. This dude would be way over in those days, actually. They didn't care about workrate then. Comoroto and then Solo miss a corner charge, and Colten comes in. Remember Colten's undefeated streak? That was wild. Corner splashes and dropkicks for everyone, but Comoroto gives him a LARIATO. Comoroto and Billy clash on the outside, while Austin takes Solo down. It's Colten and QT in the ring, Colten has a double underhook, but QT counters into a Lethal Combination. He goads Paul Wight, so Wight gets up from his commentary desk. The distraction lets Colten get a small package to win! Oh yeah, this was a build to Wight vs. QT. A match no one wanted to see.

Pretty short, not exactly clean or workrate-heavy, but ultimately harmless.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #310
Jim Duggan vs. Meng
WCW Monday Nitro - April 22, 1996​

Just as April 22 isn't exactly a red-letter time for Wrestlers Who Aren't Exactly Good, it's not particularly full of Shows With Matches That Aren't Exactly Good either. Going by airdates, that is. The most I can find is this Nitro that featured... Jim Duggan! Delightful. I'm ready for the no-selling and shouting HOOOO.

Meng, naturally, has stalled outside of the ring for the three minutes of ad break before this match starts. When he tries to come in, Duggan brawls him out again. Twice. Schiavone on commentary spoils the RAW on the other side while nothing is happening in the ring. He buries Goldust in particular. Meng comes back in a third time, and Duggan starts a USA chant before brawling away. Meng gets a throat chop, a rope choke, and then a boot choke. Duggan decides to stop selling for a bit, gets a few shots in, then lets Meng get in a few rakes. Which he no-sells right after. Duggan makes the mistake of headbutting a Samoan Tongan.

Meng puts on a NERVE HOLD because dear God why. At least Duggan's habit of random no-selling means he gets up relatively quickly. Duggan goes on the offensive but bounces off Meng. ANOTHER nerve hold. Duggan manages to get up. Meng resists a bash into the turnbuckle but misses an elbow drop and leg drop. Atomic drop by Duggan, brawling, slam, but Duggan misses a corner charge. Meng comes in with chops and boots, and tosses away the ref for trying to break it up. Duggan grabs the 2x4, ref takes it, Meng gets a savate kick that forces a rope break. On the outside, Duggan tapes his fist, to get a surprise KO punch and win.

Not as turgid as other Duggan matches but still pretty dull.

 

[Comrade Khan]

Entry #309
The Gunn Club vs. The Factory
AEW Dynamite - August 25, 2021​

On this very special day, I decided I'd watch a bad match from one of my Birthday Twins... and you'd be surprised at how hard that one is. Chuck Taylor and Kyoko Inoue are the main ones, and neither has wrestled a "bad" match from what I can tell. Except Mercury Rising, which I already dealt with. I thought I'd hit the jackpot when ProFightDB had Orlando Jordan as an April 22 child... but turns out that was a mistake, as he's actually April 21. So instead I go to my last resort pick: Nick Comoroto! This match is from the worst rated Dynamite on Cagematch until the one with Jay White vs. Billy Gunn came along. What is it with Billy Gunn? It's all three Gunns against QT, Solo, and Comoroto. Let's see it.

Paul Wight on commentary and a jobber entrance for the Factory members. Comoroto starts with standard mid-2000s WWE power-on-power vs. Billy, but slower and sloppier. One of the Ass Boys hits a snapmare neckbreaker on Solo, but QT knocks him down. It's apparently Austin, according to commentary. Standard face-in-peril stuff. "QT sucks" chants while commentary talks about him buying a puppy. Austin fights up with some rights but Solo gets a double foot stomp for two. QT goes for two elbows, teases a third, then does a BIG WALK because he's a heel. And the heeliest thing you can do in AEW is not do flashy stuff. He crotch-chops to Billy too, leading to "Suck it QT" chants.

Comoroto applies a bearhug because it's the 70s. This dude would be way over in those days, actually. They didn't care about workrate then. Comoroto and then Solo miss a corner charge, and Colten comes in. Remember Colten's undefeated streak? That was wild. Corner splashes and dropkicks for everyone, but Comoroto gives him a LARIATO. Comoroto and Billy clash on the outside, while Austin takes Solo down. It's Colten and QT in the ring, Colten has a double underhook, but QT counters into a Lethal Combination. He goads Paul Wight, so Wight gets up from his commentary desk. The distraction lets Colten get a small package to win! Oh yeah, this was a build to Wight vs. QT. A match no one wanted to see.

Pretty short, not exactly clean or workrate-heavy, but ultimately harmless.

bad but harmless sounds right, I have zero recollection of this match

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #311
Masahiro Chono (c) vs. Rick Rude
for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 25, 1992​

After FAR too long away, we march on forward! And we come upon our first WON Worst Match in a while! Surprisingly, the match from Halloween Havoc '92 that earned the Worst Match award was not Sting vs. Jake Roberts in a match that an ungimmicked wheel determined would be a Coal Miner's Glove match. It was this, which looks great on paper! Why wasn't it great in real life? Why did it earn Minus Three Pissing Stars from Uncle Dave? We'll have to find out, won't we?

We get an introduction of NWA's president Seiji Sakaguchi, and Japanese Olympian Manabu Nakanishi, who had very recently entered New Japan's Young Lion system. Each participant has chosen their own special guest ref, with champion and challenger picking Kensuke Sasaki and Harley Race respectively. No-moustache Rude looks so wrong. Chono looks great with Big Gold. A coin toss decides that Harley Race is the ref inside. Crowd immediately decides they'd rather see Ric Flair than any of this. It's like I've said before, this was the "CM Punk" chant of its day. And when the crowd is losing interest before the match starts? There's a problem.

Rude taunts Chono... in English, which Chono doesn't speak. He hasn't even learned "GADDAMN" yet. Lock-up, Rude gets Chono in the corner, then they separate. Repeat, with Chono backing Rude up this time. Rude gets an eye rake and starts laying in with clubbing blows. Chono gets a hip toss which leads to a long staredown. Rude wrenches on a headlock, and the "we want Flair" chants return until Chono gets a back suplex. Chono starts working the left arm, Rude reverses. Chono takes Rude down and works the arm more. Big "woo" chants, and no one's even done a knife-edge chop yet. Rude re-establishes control and applies arm blows. It's been five minutes already? Nothing's happened yet.

Rude applies a headlock, then Chono works the arm. Madusa gets into it with Kensuke Sasaki on the outside. Chono maintains the hammerlock through a series of holds, then some kicks to the lower back before Rude comes out for a kidney massage from Madusa. Chono suplexes him back over and continues to target that lower back. He sloooooooooowly turns Rude over for a Boston Crab, and Rude gets a rope break. Chono's next hold is effectively a modified camel clutch. Ten minutes have passed. Rude fights back from underneath, and begins to go back to the forearm clubs. Chono tries and fails to sunset flip a larger man. Rude gets a swinging neckbreaker for two.

Rude establishes yet another headlock. The "woo" chants are back, accompanied with a few "boring" chants. Arm drop routine, but Chono's living. He manages to fight out after just shy of two minutes. Chono tries the STF, gets the ST, but can't manage the F because Rude turtles down. In a normal match, the user wouldn't be able to get the hold, and would either go for something different or suffer a comeback. In this match, Chono can't get it for a minute and a half. In the midst, the fifteen-minute mark passes, and Madusa once again argues with Sasaki. Rude takes advantage with an eye rake again and hits a piledriver.

Rude hits a flying nothing, gets a snapmare and... sweet Jesus, ANOTHER headlock. JR and Ventura talk about a "Strong-Arm Tournament" on Worldwide next week, which will surely be more interesting than this. Soon after Chono breaks out of the headlock, Rude puts in a sleeper hold, hoping to put Chono to sleep like he has the fans. The crowd heats up for the first time - not because this match has improved, but because a couple of their number have started a more interesting fight of their own. The 20-minute mark passes two minutes in to the current rest hold. Fuck.

Rude misses a dropkick, and Chono goes for a Yakuza Kick, but hits Harley Race instead. Chono then tosses Rude over the top rope, where he bumps both Race AND Sasaki! Double ref bump! Somewhere, Vince Russo watches and learns. Rude hits the Rude Awakening, but there;'s no ref! He misses a knee drop, the STF, and Rude submits as Sasaki goes into the ring! Chono retains by submission... but Race declares Rude the winner. By DQ. Because Chono tosses Rude over the top rope. And because Race was on the inside, his word goes. Oh yeah, this is Bill Watts' WCW, where it's both boring and stupid. Twenty minutes of nothing, we get a bit of excitement in the finish... and it's a schmoz! Sasaki smashes both Rude and Race because the ref's gotta get heat.

Yeah, fuck that match. Absolutely amazing levels of unadulterated stupid. Boring action and lame finish. Fuck off Watts you racist fuck.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #312
Crash Holly (c) vs. The British Bulldog
Hardcore Match for the WWF Hardcore Championship
WWF Insurrextion - May 6, 2000​

In the chatbox I asked people to name wrestlers who'd worked for WWE. One of the answers I got was Max Moon, but there are as far as I can tell no bad Paul Diamond matches, just mediocre ones. So here's the next one: Crash Holly! This effort from Insurrextion got 3/4 Dave stars. Let's see why.

We start with Crash Holly on commentary, where he's been hiding from anyone who wants to take his strap... wait, no, that's not what I meant. Anyway, Davey Boy comes rushing to the ring with a ref to kick off a match. Crash tries to jump the guardrail but is caught. Naturally, given it's 2000 Davey Boy, this is mostly relegated to brawling. After some punches and tossing Crash into the furniture, he hits a sloppy suplex on the ramp. Walk and brawl until Crash whips his opponent into steel steps before pulling plunder out of the ring. Crash chokes Davey Boy with a strap and crowd's shockingly hot for him. Kendo stick to the Dog's Bollocks.

Crash grabs a chair, but Davey Boy drop toe holds him into it before giving him a kendo stick shot to the testes in return. Kendo stick snapped over Crash's back, running powerslam, and we've got a new champion.

Brainless brawling to pop the UK crowd. Not going to trouble Cole vs. Lawler, though there's obviously no technical nous in there.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #313
Scott Hall vs. Larry Zbyszko
WCW Souled Out - January 24, 1998​

The other name I heard was Scott Hall, or rather Razor Ramon, so here's a bad Scott Hall match. It's with Larry Z in 1998. A guy who was supposedly being set up for a World Title shot feuding with a commentator who talked shit about him a few times at the booth. Wonder why WCW's not in business anymore? No idea.

Louie Spicolli is with Hall. I get sad whenever I see this guy. He was gone too soon. Larry Z gets huge amounts of pyro and is called a 2-time World Champion. Never mind that his AWA World Title wins were in 1989 and 1990, when that belt had more value as a paperweight than as a wrestling championship. He's got Dusty Rhodes in tow to neutralise Spicolli. Dusty's more over than everyone else.

Feeling out process until Larry Z gets a double-leg takedown and plants Hall on his ass, before doing the same again with a fireman's carry takeover. This old dude is out-wrestling Scott Hall. Who's meant to be a top level talent. Larry Z works the arm with some pretty heavy wristlocks. Another feeling-out, and Larry Z gets in a cheap slap. Then a shoving match before Larry Z applies a modified abdominal stretch. This is making Hall look stupid. Hall misses an elbow. Waistlock slam with no impact, then a front chancery that forces a rope break.

Hall gets what can only be interpreted as a lucky punch that sets his opponent on the apron. Boot choke, then Hall distracts the ref so Spicolli can get a shot in. Dusty leaves his corner to chase Spicolli around. All Hall does is punch and kick Larry Z in the corner. As Hall ties up Larry Z's legs, the crowd, who have heretofore been all behind the veteran, start chanting "Larry sucks"! Great stuff, when a match falls apart and the crowd are happy to let everyone know.. Drop toe hold by Larry Z that forces a rope break, followed by Hall giving stomps to the head that visibly miss. I do appreciate Larry's stumbling teritory selling though. And now we get dueling "Larry sucks" / "Hall sucks" chants!!

Fallaway slam by Hall, who sets up the Outsider's Edge, but Larry Z gets a back body drop, and starts laying in to Hall. He argues with the referee when a corner beatdown gets broken up, and Hall gets a lariat in. This happens again, with Larry Z's offence being blocked by the referee. He goes for a blind spinning kick, but bumps the ref instead! Because of course he does! Hall gets a lariat for a visual pinfall. As Hall tries to wake the ref, Larry shows signs of life, and when Hall tries to make a pin he puts on a guillotine choke! Spicolli breaks it up, Dusty hits Spicolli with Bionic Elbows, Larry's holding Hall back... it's that spot.

Only it isn't! He deliberately hits Larry, and reveals an nWo shirt! Dusty Rhodes, of all the damn people, has joined the nWo! What the fuck is going on? Larry wins by DQ, and one of the most legendary babyfaces in the history of the company is heel for no reason. He's now managing Scott Hall, who doesn't need someone's help to talk.

Kinda dull match, decent climax, but ended in something stupid. Like Rude/Chono but not as bad.

 

[Rosie]

You want to know hard times? HARD TIMES IS BEING FORCED TO BE NWO 4-4-4-LIFE WHEN IT GOES AGAINST YOUR VIEWS, DADDY!

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #314
Andre the Giant vs. Junkyard Dog
WWF from Paris, France - October 7, 1988​

So, how about that Backlash show from France? Hell of an atmosphere. I will be forever disappointed when I don't hear "simplement deux" after every two-count from now on. I checked, and it's the first WWE show ever to be broadcast live from France. However, it's not the first French show to make it to US TV, as matches from this event at the Paris-Bercy arena formed the majority of the November 8, 1988 edition of WWF Prime Time Wrestling. Including this one, between Andre and JYD. Neither of whom is a ring general, let's just say. The WrestleCrap writers looked at this one, now I will too! Can this surpass the lowest of expectations? Let's find out.

Andre is of course the homeland hero, but is also the heel, so reception is naturally mixed. He's refusing to enter the ring until JYD puts away his chain, and when JYD stands his ground, Andre just... fucks off. Right back up the aisle. He stands in the aisle for a while, and then he's gone. And JYD is now just standing around. Some officials take the chain all the way to the back, but Andre is still nowhere to be seen. Terry Garvin is eventually the one to bring Andre out, and I can't even make a crack at the ring boy scandal right now. It's just so fucked up. Andre sulks his way through a rain of garbage... and waits a further minute before entering the ring! He even looks under the ring, just in case there's something like a chair or a young Hornswoggle under there.

More than five minutes later, and we're underway. Andre does what is considered fast-paced high-impact offence by his standards: he shakes JYD roughly by the shoulders and chokes him a couple of times until JYD rolls out of the ring. Oh boy, not 30 seconds in and we're already stalling for time again. Andre thwarts JYD's attempt to return to the ring by SITTING ON HIM like a true athlete. After a bit of shoulder nerve pinching, Andre LEANS BACK against JYD in the corner. Andre provides his most impactful move: a kick. He then tries to Irish whip JYD but legitimately stumbles midway through, then JYD (at the speed of treacle) clotheslines Andre so low that commentary sells it as a punch to the gut. Andre's now tied up in the ropes, like seemingly every other Andre match in history.

JYD goes in for some incredibly soft looking headbutts and then starts choking Andre. The ref eventually helps to untie the giant, who downs JYD with an arm swing. Andre then proceeds to struggle to remove the turnbuckle pad, which takes him an entire minute (though, to be fair, JYD was choking him for some of it). He sends JYD into the buckle neck-first a few times, then goes for a headbutt, which JYD dodges and sends Andre dazed into the buckle as well. JYD gives us another contender for the softest ever clothesline. Andre gets the boot up, then pins JYD with both feet on the rope. Because, of course, a 500-pound man needs to get extra leverage. Andre insists on not being announced as "le Giant", beause the most heelish thing you can do in France is to speak English.

Fuck me, that was actually awful. Agonisingly slow, full of some of the most ineffective-looking offense I've ever seen, and with a finish that makes no sense.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #315
Yokozuna vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan
WWF Rampage Bercy - April 8, 1993​

As it turns out, there's another bad match from France that got filmed... and made it on to a relatively easily-accessible classic home video release! This was from the same tour as the WWF UK Rampage show (which, as you may expect, I'm dreading having to go through). We're back to Paris-Bercy, for this match between Jim Duggan and Yokozuna. And if that isn't an uninspiring matchup, I don't know what is. Let's try to endure this.

"Yokozuna did a big mistake" sign in the crowd. I also did a big mistake watching this. Singlet Duggan looks weird. He's already threatening Yoko with a 2x4 and the bell hasn't even rung. A bunch of French people chanting USA. Duggan's in with punch, punch, punch, etc. Ref stops him from using the 2x4, which lets Yoko come in with throat thrusts which Duggan undersells. Side note: I think this is the same gear Yoko wore at Heroes of Wrestling. Rope choke by Yoko because THIS IS WRESTLING!! Duggan gets a brief hope spot but Yoko takes over and provides MORE ROPE CHOKING! Of course Duggan just gets the fuck up and forgets he's meant to be making his opponent look good. He at least remembers to stay down for a leg drop from Yoko.

Minute long bearhug ensues, which Duggan gets out by clapping the ears (a banned technique in sumo). Yoko then hits a chop and slaps on the bearhug for another wretched minute. Arm drop routine but Duggan's living. Yoko tries a corner charge but Duggan gets his foot up. Duggan takes three clotheslines to topple the Big Ol' Bastard, enters the three-point stance... but Fuji trips him! Corner splash, chop, Banzai Drop, that's it.

Yeah that wasn't good was it? Duggan was at his worst here, eating up every move Yoko did.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Entry #316
Hollywood Hogan vs. Roddy Piper
WCW Starrcade - December 29, 1996​

"Sky, don't you ever get tired of bashing Hulk Hogan matches?" No. Shut up.

I do know that he's the most covered wrestler in this thread by some distance, and this can only extend that lead. But really, a Hogan match - and a WCW Hogan match in particular - can only be fruitful material for a compiler of shit wrestling. Nothing else offers that exact mix of immobility and self-indulgent nonsense that a WCW Hogan match does. This time, I've decided to take a trip through his WCW matches with Roddy Piper. Particularly because it takes us through one of our last remaining WON Worst Matches of the Year, but also just to see if Hogan and artificial-hip Piper got better or worse at doing this match over time.

This, for the record, got a star and a half from Dave, but we've established he rates WCW main event nonsense WAY too high. Let's see just how way too high. (Also: note the lack of a championship there. Despite Hogan being the WCW World Heavyweight Champion, this match is non-title.)

First, I'm here to express my love for the WCW blue mat with yellow logo. Lovely touch. Michael Buffer says this has been called the match of the decade... unfortunately, that decade was the 1980s. Hogan's accompanied by the somewhat unusual trio of Trillionaire Ted, Vincent, and Elizabeth. Piper just looks tired. At least this is over with the crowd. Hogan immediately starts stalling, going to the outside. "I'm gonna beat him in the middle of the ring", he says, while being a coward. He continues trash talking into the initial lock-up. After a few more cornered exchanges, Piper gets a few tough rights and forces Hogan to the outside again. He stops the ref from making a count-out by... setting him on the turnbuckle? I'm not inside the mind of Roddy Piper, I guess.

Back in the ring, Hogan gets an eye rake and uses that to get the edge. Piper's on the ropes, but comes back with some pure brawling. This entire thing is just brawling, though I'm not sure I was to see Hogan trying matwork at this stage of his career. Piper hits a clothesline but Hogan stays on his feet. The thing Hogan sells most is an eye poke. What did I say before about him never selling anything except illegal moves? Piper does manage to clothesline Hogan down, and he's on the outside again.

Long staredown, feeling-out, and Piper slaps on a side headlock. If I told you this was a side headlock that lasted a full minute plus, you'd assume it was a rest hold. But no - this is Piper keeping that hold locked on as Hogan tries everything to toss him off. Including, at one point, hitting a back suplex, which I didn't know Hogan could do. Finally he manages it with charges against the ropes, and now sends Piper to the outside. They walk-and-brawl around for a bit, then back in the ring Piper ducks a clothesline and hits one of his own. A kick to the back sends Hogan to the outside. Now at last Piper follows him and walk-and-brawls him up the aisle. Piper whips Hogan with his kilt belt, in-ring, in full view of the ref, then chokes him. No DQ. It's one of those WCW main events.

Piper seems to be setting up for a drop of some sort, but he bounces off the rope and DiBiase on the outside grabs his leg. Piper goes to challenge DiBiase but Hogan takes advantage. We now enter that part of a WCW Hogan main event: the walking and brawling on the outside, against steps and guardrails and all. Hogan briefly punches Piper into the crowd. Back in the ring, Hogan's targeting the hip replacement surgery scar, which raises the question of how the fuck Piper was cleared with an artificial hip. Bit of an abdominal stretch until Piper manages to tip Hogan over. Piper's trying to run the ropes, DiBiase grabs the legs, and then there's this weird spot where both men fall over holding on to each other. Whatever it is, it gets Piper on top for a bit.

Inside cradle by Piper gets two. Somehow that's the first pin attempt. Back to brawling, with casual hair pulling and eye raking. Vertical suplex by Piper, which the announcers treat like he gave that move to someone twice the size of Andre the Giant. Piper misses a knee drop, so Hogan tries for his leg drop and misses. Piper kicks away at those calves until Hogan begs for mercy... and distracts the ref so the Giant can hit a chokeslam. A fan tries to rush the ring, and is shut down by Hogan and the ref. In all this time Giant can't hit the chokeslam, because Piper bit his nose. Piper gets the sleeper hold... arm drop routine... and Hogan doesn't answer! The ref does a double take when he realises someone actually beat Hogan in the middle of the ring.

Big celebration... pyro.... but no title change. Because, of course, Hogan couldn't possibly lose the title! Not to anyone! Nash and Hall try to interfere and get beaten up, while the Giant argues with his stablemates and considers committing what I think is the fourth of his 25 million turns.

You know what? Not as bad as I thought it would be. Still a bit brawly and overbooked, though. I get the feeling it only goes down from here.

 

[Chris]

Hilarious match, not as bad on a rewatch as it must have been living through live I imagine