Episode 4: Mesas, Escaleras y Sillas
Live from Plaza de Toros La Concordia in Orizabo, Mexico
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2023
The fireworks in the arena go off as the fans are excited for another episode of Ground Zero Season 4. Tables, Ladders, and Chairs are set up all throughout the arena as this episode has been marketed as "Mesas, Escaleras y Sillas" all week long. Or in English...Tables, Ladders, and Chairs. Things get even more exciting as the camera on the titantron cuts to backstage as a black limo arrives into the loading bay. Stepping out of it is none other than our brilliant host Saint Sulley. He's wearing one of his fancy pinstripe suits, but most interestingly he is carrying a shiny golden briefcase.
The camera zooms in on Sulley's briefcase as he walks down the hallway of the arena, before cutting back to the front where Ty Johnson and Daiquan Andrews are sitting at the table.
Ty Johnson: WELCOME TO GROUND ZERO SEASON FOUR!
Daiquan Andrews: And boy do we have a good episode...I can't speak Spanish, but basically...it's TABLES LADDERS AND CHAIRS.
Ty Johnson: We have four matches tonight...a tables match, a ladders match, a chairs match, and a TLC Match.
Daiquan Andrews: TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS...
Ty Johnson: Oh my.
Daiquan Andrews: And best of all, that TLC match? It's an elimination match. Three tag teams all competing...whichever team has someone get pinned...the BOTH of them are eliminated.
Ty Johnson: Imagine if I was teaming you, and you ended up getting pinned and knocking me out of the competition.
Daiquan Andrews: Shame that didn't happen in season one.
Ty Johnson: Yeah, because I won.
Daiquan Andrews: Ramjam got screwed...look at that boy now. Rumor has it he signed up for Cosmic Discordant Wrestling. While you're doing what? Writing your little news articles and commentating on this show? How does it feel to be the least successful Ground Zero winner?
Ty Johnson: In my defense, the Anti Internet H8 Squad still hasn't wrestled in the FWA, and the other winner is freaking Konchu Hao...so like, come on...
Daiquan Andrews: Not to change the subject, trust me we'll talk about this later, but I feel like we gotta address this...WHAT was that briefcase Saint Sulley was carrying?
Ty Johnson: The Golden Briefcase? I don't know, he didn't tell me. Could it be a reward for a contestant tonight?
Daiquan Andrews: Maybe it's just his lunch?
Ty Johnson: Well first of all, it's night time. Second of all, who would carrying their lunch in a flashy golden suitcase?
Daiquan Andrews: Saint Sulley.
Ty Jonhson: You have a point. Well, whatever it is, I'm sure we'll find out. But we have to get to some matches.
Daiquan Andrews: We told y'all about the main event, but what about the rest of the roster? Well, after we take out those competing with their careers on the line, we have two members left on each team. Those two members are going to be facing off in a non elimination match.
Ty Johnson: What do the winners of these matches get, Daiquan? Bragging rights?
Daiquan Andrews: No Ty, actually...the winners are safe next week. The losers? They're fighting in another triple threat match next week. A match where only the winner will move onto Episode 6. In other words, you don't want to lose tonight.
Ty Johnson: A lot is on the line, and the first match of the night? Team Vamprya.
Daiquan Andrews: After these messages from our sponsors.
*Commercial Break*
*Commercial break*
Ty Johnson: Well...we've returned from that...terrifying commercial.
Daiquan Andrews: I liked it.
With that, the entrance music for Taboo begins to hit.
Taboo walks out to top of the ramp, he puts his hands on his head as if he's having a really bad brain freeze or migraine. His stuffed owl Hooty is in his hands as he heads down to the ring.
Ty Johnson: Now this is one weird dude.
Daiquan Andrews: He gives me the creeps, but he honestly has a great theme. That theme song contest that FWA.com did? I'd have voted this number one.
The fans pop as the small Hemmlock appears. She's energetic as she skips down to the ring. The fans are singing along to "Mucha Lucha!" as she runs down and slides through the bottom rope. Her teammate Taboo isn't even looking at her as she hops up on the ropes and continues getting energy from the crowd.
Ty Johnson: And here's Hemmlock. The tiny luchador. Her mentor Judelock doesn't appear to be accompanying her, but I'm sure he's backstage close somewhere.
Daiquan Andrew: How old is this girl anyway? She's so short, she looks like a kid!
Ty Johnson: That is so offensive, Daiquan. Just because a person is short statured doesn't mean they are a child. The Little People of America Association (Non Profit) is going to be writing us some angry worded letters now, and you're going to have to read them.
Daiquan Andrew: Whatever, I just know Taboo about to crush this little girl. I mean this is a tables match. He can lift her up with one arm and toss her into any table he wants.
Ty Johnson: I also have Taboo winning, so we agree on something!
Match One
Team Vamprya Non Elimination
Tables Match |
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Winner: Hemmlock (Team Vamprya) |
Eliminated: None |
Recap: One of the few matches tonight without tension as these two teammates would go up against one another. Taboo was soft at first, not wanting to hurt the tiny Hemmlock, but after a strong jump kick to the face, Taboo awoke and went after her in a rage. A rage that was perhaps too blind as Hemmlock's quick speed and agility allowed her to dodge all his attacks.
Eventually Taboo got Hemmlock on a table and was about to hit her with an elbow drop from the top turnbuckle, but she slid out of the way at the last second to allow Taboo to go through the table on his own, giving Hemmlock her first singles win on Ground Zero. |
Mucha Lucha plays again as Hemmlock celebrates her victory! Judelock comes out in familiar pinstripe suit, and gives Hemmlock a hug raising her hand in the ring. It's her first singles win on the show.
Ty Johnson: With this win, Hemmlock now is safe from elimination next week. She is guaranteed to be on Ground Zero Episode 6.
Daiquan Andrews: And meanwhile, Taboo is our first entrant into the elimination Triple Threat match in next week's main event.
Hemmlock and her mentor head up and the ramp and to the backstage as Taboo stays on the mat with the broken table laying underneath him.
Ah, the alleyway behind Ground Zero. A warm, familiar setting by now. An area that is as secure and comforting as the bedroom of your childhood, or a warm library in a cold winter, or-
Oh nevermind there’s a commotion I guess we’re getting right into it.
The back door of the Ground Zero arena is kicked open, as Cara De Fantasma sprints out, huffing. The sound of a braying stampede, close by his heels, echoes from the doorway as Cara De Fantasma whirls around, before spying a trusty, impenetrable dumpster. With no other option, he quickly climbs in, shutting the lid behind him just as most of Team Fantasy come storming out, ready to stab the shit out of him.
Inside the dumpster, Cara De Fantasma sat quietly, hiding, as his pursuers quickly lost his tail. He breathed a sigh of relief, then let out a brief yelp of surprise as a light was switched on.
???: Ya coulda at least knocked, y’know.
A grown man in a possum onesie stared disapprovingly at his guest, a newspaper in one hand and the cord to a lamp in the other Cara De Fantasma sighed one more.
Cara De Fantasma: Oh. It’s just you.
Mamifero De Basura: Course it’s jus’ moi, who else were ya expecting, David Arquette?
Ignoring the berating Trash Mammal, Cara De Fantasma peeked out of the dumpster.
Mamifero De Basura: Bargin into m’ proivate abode, an’ without an invitation, mind. Honestly, that’s jus’ rude. Ya didn’t even wipe yer feet for christ’s sake.
Cara De Fantasma waved a hand flippantly.
Cara De Fantasma: Yeah, yeah. This the part where you do your dumb little segment?
Mamifero De Basura: Ah. Change a’ plans, see. Sure, any other circumstance, we’d be doing the whole spiel. But not this time.
Cara De Fantasma scoffed.
Cara De Fantasma: Why’s that?
Mamifero De Basura: B’cause, ya tried to kill my friend. Ain’t it obvious?
Cara De Fantasma: What friend? The skeleton man?
Mamifero De Basura: Mmm-hmmm. One an’ the same.
Cara De Fantasma: No off-the-wall interview segment, then? So what happens instead?
Mamifero De Basura: Oh, that’s the easy part.
Something in the Trash Mammal’s tone stirred a sense of worry in the masked Ghostface, and he turned, glimpsing Trash Mammal just before he turned the lights, plunging the dumpster into darkness.
For the briefest of seconds, just before darkness enveloped his vision, he was sure the Trash Mammal had suddenly grown a pair of fangs.
Back in the alleyway, Halloween Knight paused, as the dumpster began shaking, banging, with shrieking echoing from within it. Then, to his surprise, the lid burst open, and a ragged and tattered Cara De Fantasma jumped out, slipping on the pavement. Covered in scratches and bite, bleeding from several areas, Cara De Fantasma stumbled to his feet.
Cara De Fantasma: YOU BIT ME! YOU… YOU BIT ME! AARGH!
He ran, sprinting down the alleyway, vanishing from sight. Halloween Knight watched on, bemused, as Mamifero De Basura raised his head out of the dumpster, idly chewing on a patch of fabric.
Mamifero De Basura: Ah. Revenge feels noice, don’t it?
Halloween Knight: I’m not sure whether a few bites constitutes as revenge for a dude trying to stab me.
Mamifero De Basura: A few bites? Buddy, there ain’t no cure for rabies.
There’s a beat of silence.
Then Halloween Knight laughs. Mamifero De Basura joins in. The two cackle, before high-fiving. We fade to black over their laughter, the laughter of the impromptu tag team echoing as we fade away.
Halloween Knight: You absolutely just sentenced that guy to a slow, incurable demise, huh?
Mamifero De Basura: Trick or Trash, baby!
Ty Johnson: Welcome back yet again! That crazy Trash Mammal is always getting into shenanigans backstage isn't he?
Daiquan Andrews: Yeah, I think people should start avoiding those alleys.
Ty Johnson: In the meantime, we have another match coming up. This one is a Ladders Match!
Daiquan Andrews: I don't see anything hanging up above the ring.
Ty Johnson: That's because it's not that type of ladders match. The ladders are just...resources.
Daiquan Andrews: Ah I understand. These dudes gonna be playing sword fights with some ladders.
The crowd pops as Lou Cha heads awkwardly heads down to the ring. He looks as if he has no idea where he is as the spotlight shines brightly in his eyes.
He almost trips going up the steel steps, before finally tripping on the rope as he tried to enter the ring.
Ty Johnson: Oh dear...
Daiquan Andrews: How is this guy still here?
And coming out to her own pop is La Sobrina Del Horror Cosmico. She looks a lot more focused than Lou Cha did as she marches down the ring.
Ty Johnson: Wow, she is powerful!
Daiquan Andrews: I know I was wrong about the last match, but I'm certain this time. Cosmico is going to open up a can of Whoop Ass.
Cosmico is in the ring now staring her teammate down. Despite the odds, Lou Cha doesn't back down as he bangs his chest like a Gorilla at her.
Match Two
Team Fantasy Non Elimination
Ladders Match |
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Winner: Lou Cha (Team Fantasy) |
Eliminated: None |
Recap: In this ladders match there was nothing hoisted in the ceiling. No the ladders were simply tools to smack your opponent in the face with. And La Sobrina Del Horror Cosmico sure did that when she beat Lou Cha with a ladder to the point that he could barely stand up anymore.
But then something happened that shocked the world, well not the whole world apparently Norway was unimpressed, but everyone else was shocked as Lou Cha would SCHOOL BOY Cosmico to pin her for the win. |
The crowd is now hyped as ever chanting "LOU CHA! LOU CHA! LOU CHA!" and Lou Cha is just eating it up. He's stomping around the ring with pride, as Cosmico is laying there, blood coming from beneath her mask due to taking that ladder to the face.
Daiquan Andrews: I cannot believe I was wrong again...how did he win?
Ty Johnson: Lou Cha has proven time and time again he should not be underestimated. He won it with that good old Joe Burr classic right there.
Daiquan Andrews: How did he win?
Ty Johnson: The school boy, Daiquan! Nothing beats that good old School boy.
Daiquan Andrews: Except his dad.
Ty Johnson: What? I don't ge- OH wow. God, no...that was...that was dark. God dammit, Daiquan. Let's....let's go to commercial.
*Commercial Break*
“Hope they weren’t too tight.”
The camera pans out to reveal a man in a white luchador mask unfastening the zip-ties around LaVonny Toner’s wrist. They are somewhere backstage but the location is unclear with no distinguishing features except for the brick wall that LaVonny emotionlessly stares at - perhaps in defiance, perhaps in defeat. The man laughs a little, he’s gotten used to this.
“You can choose to stay silent all you want, it isn’t going to help matters.”
The man positions himself in front of LaVonny, though LaVonny averts his gaze, not meeting the eyes of his captor.
“The way I see it - you have two options. Just two. Either you tell us what we want to know and you get sent on your merry way or you keep up this silent stick and he profits off what you can do in the ring.”
LaVonny fleetingly glances at the man in the white mask. It was lightning-quick, but enough to give the man the opening to press on.
“Ohhh… so that made you take notice. Nobody - including us - gave you even a sniff of a chance of winning that battle royal the other week. Personally, I didn’t think you’d last thirty seconds… but as soon as your entrance music hit riiiight up until you got back here… you seemed alive. You weren’t this motionless, stoic, robot refusing to answer our questions.”
“I don’t have the answers, how many times have I got to tell you? The last god-damn thing I remember is the music hitting in The Warehouse and making my way to the ring. Before that… I got nothing.”
The man in the white mask pauses momentarily, it is hard to read what someone is feeling when looking solely at their eyes, but there seems to be a glint of compassion, or sympathy. Regardless, the man in the white mask cracks his knuckles before dutifully pulling LaVonny to his feet and dusting down his back.
“I don’t like this anymore than you, but until he believes that, until he believes you, we’re going to keep going down this path. I can’t say I exactly know why but this path seems to be taking a rather lengthy detour through Ground Zero.”
LaVonny snaps his head around in an alert fashion at the mention of the show, a slight spark evident on what we can see of his face. In an unsure tone, LaVonny asks a question.
“Is it Wednesday?”
“It is.”
With a hint of optimism creeping into his voice, LaVonny asks another.
“Have I got a match this week?”
The man shrugs.
“I don’t know… I can talk to Saint if you want some more action?”
LaVonny nods his head furiously in agreement which garners a light chuckle from the white-masked captor.
“Let me see what I can do, kid. I’ve got to get out of here, I’ve a bit of other business to handle while I’m here… we’ll see you at the end of the show.”
The man turns his back to LaVonny and makes to take his leave but is interrupted by an outburst from “Cien Vidas”.
“Hey!”
The white-masked man turns around and looks in LaVonny’s direction.
“See if you can get them to put me in a ladder match.”
A look of steely determination crosses over LaVonny’s face as the segment abruptly cuts.
We cut back to the front for match three now. There are steel chairs set up all around the ring as we're getting ready for a Chairs match.
Ty Johnson: Well we have two out of the three competitors for next week's triple threat elimination match. Who will be competing against Cosmico and Taboo? Lone Shark or Tyler?
Daiquan Andrews: I know I'm 0-2 on this tonight, but like...surely Lone Shark has this right? I mean...it's Tyler we're talking about here.
Ty Johnson: You basically just guaranteed that Lone Shark is gonna lose now.
Daiquan Andrews: Nah, I am feeling it. He's going to win.
Ty Johnson: You've singlehandedly costed him this whole thing. Great job.
And here comes Tyler!
Ty Johnson: Well, it's not as good as Taboo's theme.
Daiquan Andrews: Nah, but it fits Tyler.
Ty Johnson: Why do you hate him so much?
Daiquan Andrews: I'm more of a DC Comics kinda guy.
Ty Johnson: I don't get it.
Daiquan Andrews: Yes you do.
Tyler enters the ring and awaits his opponent.
The crowd pops for Lone Shark as the great white wrestler heads down to the ring.
Daiquan Andrews: Now that is a theme.
Ty Johnson: You know I can't wait till Lone Shark teams up with Ground Zero Season 3 competitor Megladon Man. They would make a good team.
Lone Shark is in the ring now ready to go as he and Tyler get in their respective corners.
Match Three
Team Wizard Non-Elimination
Chairs Match |
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Winner: Tyler |
Eliminated: None |
Recap: In a match where they could only use chairs, they certainly used enough of them as Tyler and Lone Shark would beat each other with over 30 different chairs. It looked like an Applebees Christmas Party as the whole ring was surrounded by broken metal chairs. Hopefully everyone had their tetris shot.
Tyler ended up getting an underdog win after pinning Lone Shark following a van daminator to the face. |
Tyler is shocked as his music plays, as is Lone Shark.
Daiquan Andrews: You have got to be kidding me.
Ty Johnson: I told you, you screwed him.
Daiquan Andrews: I HATE TYLER.
Ty Johnson: Meanwhile, we have our main event set up for next week. Between Taboo, La Sobrina Del Horror Cosmico, and Lone Shark...two of them will be eliminated by the end of next week.
Daiquan Andrews: We still gotta find out who's going home tonight!
Ty Johnson: That is coming up next!
Backstage now we cut to the man himself Saint Sulley. He's in his office eating a Whopper and enjoying the show. His golden briefcase is sitting on his desk, nice and secured.
When suddenly, he's interrupted by someone.
The crowd pops as it turns out to be Mamifero De Basura yet again!
Sulley looks confused as he's staring up at the rodent.
Saint Sulley: What do you want you trash bandit?
Mamifero De Basura: Bandit? How dare you!
Saint Sulley: I said what I said.
Mamifero De Basura seems to take a deep breath, and approaches Sulley more calmly.
Mamifero De Basura: Look, I just came because I needed to know...what's in the golden briefcase?
Sulley smiles at the question as he runs his fingers across the golden briefcase.
Saint Sulley: This? Oh did you think it was something for you guys. No no, it is my PRIZED possession. I brought it with me tonight because I got an anonymous phone call that it was going to be stolen. And I'm not going to let it.
Mamifero De Basura: Stolen? But who would steal your prized possession?
Saint Sulley: A fool that's who.
Mamifero De Basura's curiosity gets the better of him however, and so he has to ask.
Mamifero De Basura: Sulley...what IS your prized possession?
Mamifero De Basura tried to consider everything that it could be. His X Championship record? Morgan Freeman's voice? Devin Golden's jockstrap? Sammie Sullivan?
Sulley chuckled at the question. He considered leaving the bandit in suspense, but figured he'd share.
He brought Mamifero De Basura over to him, and opened up the briefcase. A bright golden shine came through just like this picture from Pulp Fiction.
Mamifero De Basura: Wow! That is magnificent. I can see why you're so protective of it...
Saint Sulley: Of course I'm protective over it. Do you know how many people have tried to take it?
Mamifero De Basura: But...and forgive me for asking this, who would want YOUR E?
Saint Sulley: Everyone has made such a big fuss over my E ever since I added it onto my name. They don't understand what the E means to me.
Mamifero De Basura: Is it a fat-soluble antioxidant which may help protect cell membranes from reactive oxygen species?
Saint Sulley: NO! It is my identity. My very soul. It is my everything, without my E...I am not...Saint Sulley. So you must understand why I have to keep it safe.
Mamifero De Basura: Oh yes, I understand.
Sulley then closed the briefcase, and Suddenly, Sulley's phone begins to ring.
He puts his finger up to The Trash Mammal and answers it.
Saint Sulley: Hello? Oh yes Halloween Knight how can I help you?
Mamifero De Basura waits patiently as Sulley is talking to Halloween Knight, but eventually decides to excuse himself. He gives Saint Sulley a quick wave goodbye as he leaves the office.
Saint Sully brushes him off and basically shoos him out of the room as he continues the conversation.
Saint Sully: MY CAR? What do you mean someone is vandalizing my car.
With that, Sully jumps up...he goes to head to the door...before he stops, as if he suddenly realized something. He hung up the phone, and looked back at his Golden Briefcase. His suspicions were eased as it was still sitting safely on his desk.
Sully then went to head out of the room to check on his car, but yet another urging forced him back into the room to check one more time. Saint Sully slowly walked up to his Golden Briefcase, and opened it up.
And to his utter horror...he saw nothing.
No E.
It was gone!
Sully didn't know what do to do.
He screamed, he cried...he shouted.
Saint Sully: NO!!!!! MY E!!!!! SOMEONE STOLE MY E!!!!!
The poor host of the show fell over on his office floor. He wailed and cried, almost in a heartbroken pain.
He was now without his E.
His painful cries bellowed loudly as the show would then transition awkwardly into another commercial
*Commercial Break*
When we return, all six competitors for the triple threat tag team TLC match are here in the ring because I am not doing six separate entrances.
Ty Johnson: We are back. Out of the three mysteries we have had tonight, two of them are solved. We know the three competitors for next week's main event, we know what was in Sulley's briefcase...now it's time to find out who will be going home tonight!
Daiquan Andrews: That briefcase thing was crazy! I can't believe Sully lost his E.
Ty Johnson: I almost feel bad for him.
Daiquan Andrews: Nah I don't.
Ty Johnson: Neither do I, but I said I ALMOST do.
Daiquan Andrews: Fair enough.
Ty Johnson: So, who do you have winning this match genius? You're only 0 for 3 tonight.
Daiquan Andrews: Uh...definitely gonna be LaVonny and El Vengador. They're beasts.
Ty Johnson: Welp. Sorry boys, you're going home.
Meanwhile, The Trash Mammal is proudly wearing Sully's E around his neck. Poor Saint Sully is searching frantically around the halls, and doesn't even realize that Mamifero has it!
Match Four: Main Event
Three Team Elimination
Triple Threat Tag Team TLC Match |
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Winner: Trick or Trash (Team Fantasy) |
Eliminated: Khronos and Crowley (Team Wizard) |
Recap: This crazy three way TLC match was absolutely nuts. LaVonny Toner and El Venegador dominated most of the match by brute force, and it seemed like they were going to get a big victory.
Meanwhile team of Trick or Trash struggled to stay competitive the entire match, and looked like sure eliminations.
El Venegador and Toner were putting Crowley through a table, and looked like they were about to get the win, but then the world was shocked when Halloween Knight smacked Khronos in the face with a chair, and The Trash Mammal followed it up with a quick rollup victory.
This eliminated both Khronos and Crowley from Team Wizard and gave Team Fantasy's new electric duo of Trick or Trash the win. El Venegador and LaVonny Toner didn't get the win, but they didn't get eliminated either.
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Crowley looks exceptionally mad. He didn't even get pinned, but he and Khronos are officially eliminated.
Daiquan Andrews: YES! I wasn't wrong!
Ty Johnson: Uh, yes you were. You said LaVonny and El Venagador would win. They didn't...it was Trick or Trash.
Daiquan Andrews: Right, but they didn't lose either!
Ty Johnson: Whatever...
Meanwhile, Saint Sully comes running down. He finally realizes who has his E! Mamifero looks shocked as he sees Sully. He grabs Halloween Knight's attention, and the two of them book it out of there! They hop over the security barricade and up through the crowd with Sully's E in with them.
Sully gives chase but loses them in the crowd as the show comes to a close.