I read both RPs, and liked his structure a little better - yours was a bit confusing, especially because you just jumped into the video package without mentioning that that was what we were reading. I made it out, but some people might not have understood your intent.
That, and you do not use punctuation in your dialogue AT ALL.
With that said, I liked your character development, dialogue (although the lack of punctuation was annoying as hell) and descriptive bits.