In lieu of doing a full review (my original plan), I'll do a mini-review here. Maybe I'll turn it into something bigger in the future if I'm any good at it.
SAL'S RAW REVIEW
in which sal has something to say about everyone on the show last night
John Laurinaitis: Johnny Ace is an awesome example of a guy who is everything to everybody. Look at the way he came out last night, shaking hands and kissing babies. He's the perfect random stooge/empty suit to casual fans, but to us (yes, US, Michael Cole's least favorite people), he's everything we've ever heard about him. Best line: "I never make the same mistake twice," says the man who let a guy with an injury wrestle two weeks in a row.
CM Punk: He's just so thoroughly destroyed everything about his character that made him popular this summer. He got over telling us about guys like John Laurinaitis, the middle-manager who kisses Vince's ass and is destroying this company. Everything he said during his Stone Cold t-shirt promo was about how WWE was fatally flawed. How it needed to be changed. Well, now that his shirts are selling like crazy, he stopped being constructive about it and now he just calls Johnny Ace a dork. Just because they cheer doesn't mean you're doing it right. And what's with his infatuation with gay/feminine jokes lately? Johnny Ace has his balls in a purse. Daniel Bryan likes to eat....really? This was the change he wanted?
Daniel Bryan: Daniel Bryan is the best Kurt Angle since CM Punk. Think about it.
Sheamus: I honestly think he came out last night less to set the scene for picking a champion and more to see what kind of pop he was gonna get. And uh, yeah. He's a main-eventer for life.
Wade Barrett: How fucking awesome was it that Barrett skipped the usual announce table visit and just got himself a freaking skybox? If this was World Condescending Entertainment, Barrett would hold every belt for 10 years.
Dolph Ziggler: Ziggler's like the anti-Cena, isn't he? He sells better than anyone else in the company, nobody ever doubts his match quality, and he doesn't do very well on live promos. Anyone who's watched him on Zack Ryder's show and wasn't entertained, I don't know what to tell you. What I'm saying is, I want to live in the alternate universe where Ziggler's a main-eventer.
Randy Orton: I think his character at this point is "wrestling guy who wrestles." And that's cool.
Brodus Clay: Brodus' character development over the last 3 weeks: red tracksuit, white tracksuit, green tracksuit, white tracksuit. I'm not really sure what the endgame is for this gimmick. All I know is if he ever does this to Ziggler, I'll be unhappy enough to act like I'm not watching anymore.
CM Punk again: "I don't claim to be a role model." Uhhhh. I thought Punk was the one guy who remembered what happened two years ago, you know, when he basically said everything Bryan said.
Chris Jericho: I was really impressed with the storyline decision to have Jericho go after Punk immediately after the Rumble. It's smart subtle storytelling: Jericho wanted to do this as the Rumble winner, but he couldn't get it done. We've been trained so when a guy says "I'm gonna do something awesome," either (a) it happens or (b) it doesn't and the fact that it doesn't is the basis for the next story. Here, Jericho's like "fuck it, plan B."
William Regal: Please be on my TV more. I think we might need a GM.
R-Truth: Clearly doesn't make as much money as Wade Barrett.
Kofi Kingston: What we saw last night was Kofi's legacy. He'll be the guy who wins random singles matches and tricks 8 people into thinking he can win the Elimination Chamber. He'll be 55 years old, beating Ted Dibiase III the first week of February as someone starts the "is it time for Kofi's push?" thread.
Miz: They keep advanced statistics for other sports. I want to know how often Miz loses after getting mic time before his match. I'll guess 80% of the time.
Mike Tyyyyython: Pass.
The Divas: Sorry guys, I'm following WWE's lead. So I only have like 20 words for all of them. The Beth/Eve match was
Kane: So...Kane made Cena angry. Cena hatefully hate-fucked Kane. Like, now what?
John Cena: meh
Triple H: Oh good, you're here. And you spent the last 10 minutes of the show making fun of Laurinaitis, and you admit at the end that it doesn't matter. Triple H, don't be a bully. Be a star. Or, as Sheamus would say, Be a store.
The Undertaker: ......
