UWF: THE RUNDOWN 1/20/14

[Fauche]

UWF: THE RUNDOWN
1/20/14 EDITION
SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM ALL YOU WANT, IT WILL NEVER, EVER HEAR YOU





#1 AJ STYLES

The Phenomenal One once again retained his Hardcore Championship, defeating former tilte-holder Mr. Kennedy in a brtual cage-ish match on Smackdown (and all this after some tough love from the Gargonite). Slamfist. AJ is, in fact, all that and a bag of potato chips this week and becomes the first man in over 76 years to reach the top spot of THE RUNDOWN on non-consecutive occasions. His parents could not be reached for comment.

#2 TYSON KIDD

Mid-air superkicks? A Charlie Brown hair-cut to die for? Calgary? Alberta? Canada? Actually, screw Calgary and it's beyond illogical one-way streets and pringle-shaped flood containers. But Tyson Kidd is hella tight, and no doubt the future World Heavyweight Champion come Rumble time.


#3 BUBBA RAY DUDLEY

In the champion of champions match to end all champions match (the Transves... Transatlantic Champion vs. 1/4 of the company Tag Team Champions), Bubba Ray Dudley proved to be the guy that's the guy. And really, was there ever any doubt? And if there was, what colour was it, and where did it sleep? And when it went out in the rain, could you tell if it cried? Bubba Ray will now have to worry about The SHIELD coming after his and his Four Brothers brother's gold. No worries though, cause those guys have one gigantic Dean Ambrose-shaped problem.


#4 FANDANGO & ETHAN CARTER III

Nobody likes any of these chumps and it will be so excellent when the T.I.O.C. is wearing their belts. Using dynamic treachery, they were able to achieve some victory on Smackdown, but rest assured, their comeuppance is upon them. But dang, is that Fandango a looker or is he a looker?


#5 CODY RHODES

Technically Cody Rhodes should be at fourth this week too, since he won just as much as those other guys. But there weren't very many matchs, so these thigns are getting spread out, like peanut butter and jam yo. Two parts peanut butter, one part jelly, for those who ever wanted to know about the perfect 3pm sandwich. If I had the patience or time to go back, we at THE RUNDOWN would probably rank Rhodes higher because who even likes those other guys anyway? Jokes Bumout's a stud. Jokes I want everything he holds dear. Jokes its all for fun. Jokes, its half for fun and half for blood.


#6 THE SHIELD

We at THE RUNDOWN are listening to Muse while writing this and taking a shot of the hardest drink we have every time its obvious they ripped off Oasis, U2 or Queen. Watch as this all becomes less coherrant very quickly. Also, The SHIELD are now the top contendors for the lesser tag belts after being all racist and finally retiring LAX. Some dreams never come true. But some do. SHIELD dreams, potentially. Unless Dean Ambrose is in them.


#7 SHARK BOY

If Shark Boy and the newly formed C.U.N.T. isn't your favourite thing that happened in the UWF this week, then leave this thread right now and don't come back till you wisen up somethin fierce.

#8 MARK HENRY

Mark Henry became everybody's hero this week when he took out Kevin Steen, who was tragically stolen. Chris Sabin was colatteral damage. Next week, Henry will have to crank up the... uh... volume(?) when he takes on senior citizen / midlife crisis experiencer / former world champion Steve Borden, who should really be riding to the ring on a brand new motorbike with a girl half his age, unless this crisis thing is more exploratory than that, which would kinda explain Matt Bloom bering around....


#9 TEST

“A win by DQ is still a win” is what Test sobbed into his pillow every night since the last Raw.


#10 JOHNNY GARGANO

Is he back or brand new? Either way, homeboy made quite an impact on Smackdown this week. He may have not been in a match, but we're all out of winners and lsoers won't cut it... so... so...

#11 DREW MCINTYRE

Bring back Velocity ASAP.


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FRANK MIR'S MATCH OF THE WEEK:
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AJ Styles (c) vs. Mr. Kennedy – Hardcore Championship
Written by Chris Dresdon


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UPCOMING SHOWS:
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​

RAW – 1/21/14:

“Heart vs. Brain” Match:
Shawn Michaels vs. Damien Sandow

“Two Dead Men Go Went Out To Fight” Match:
Eddie Guerrero vs. The Undertaker

“Canadian Civil War” Match:
Tyson Kidd vs. Christian

“Dat Show Opening” Match:
Christopher Daniels vs. Drew McIntyre vs. Bray Wyatt
​

SMACKDOWN – 1/29/14:
“WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP” AKA “Should be a fucking Hardcore” Match:
Ethan Carter III & Fandango (c) vs. Sami Callihan & Brodie Lee

“TNA's Long Dead Dream” Match:
Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe

“C.U.N.T.s vs Assholes” Match:
Shark Boy & Paul Burchill vs. Mr. Kennedy & Johnny Gargano

“Black on Black” Match:
Steve Borden vs. Mark Henry

“Fuck Derrick Match v2” Match:
King Booker vs. Kevin Steen

​

UWF: ROYAL RUMBLE 2014:

30 Man Royal Rumble Match
(Participants to be named next week)

Rags To Riches Match:
Secondary Characters Ahoy

World Heavyweight Championship - Special Guest Referee: HHH
Shawn Michaels (c) vs. Tyson Kidd

Global Championship - Chairs Match
Eddie Guerrero (c) vs. Kane
UWF Championship
Matt Morgan(c) vs. MVP

Street Fight
Cody Rhodes vs. Goldust


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HODGEPODGERY:
----------
​

Chillin' With Chase:
http://wrestlingsmarks.com/threads/chillin-with-chase-official-thread.68223/page-31
Check it out before it checks you out.

​

ROYAL RUMBLE TT Thread:
http://wrestlingsmarks.com/threads/uwf-2014-royal-rumble-tting-thread.72335/#post-937391
I haven't, but we all should.


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CELEBRITY QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
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We are fortunate to have a very special guest host tonight on the Celebrity Question of the Week - "AI" Allen Iverson, recently retire professional basketball player and former NBA All-Star!

AI: Yo yo, wassup homes, so like, first question for all y'all is, how much would say you practice each week, and and what time do you start and end your practicin' at?

Stone Cold: Well now that Stone Cold's hung up the proverbial boots and taken on the role of General Manager, there honestly isn't a whole lot I do career wise besides book matches and I been in the business long enough that I don't need practice for that, and I sure as hell don't need practice ta' knock back these Steveweisers, so I don't suppose the question applies ta' me. Page?

Diamond Dallas Page: Well, for me, the question isn't how much would I say I practice each week, it's when do I stop? I start my day bright and early and end it at a reasonable hour of the night, and that entire time period is spent revolutionizing my mind, body, spirit, and soul. It's about getting cardio right, it's about getting the muscle tone and definition you want, it's about flexibility and healthy eating and living until you feel good about yourself in every way imaginable, bro. But it's not all about me, it's about getting as many people as possible on the program, as many people as possible owning their lives. It's powerful stuff, Allen, you should try it. I'm sure there were some bumps and bruises along the way in your career. And I know what you're thinkin', bro, men doing yoga? If I was trying to push the traditional stuff on you, I'd understand the skepticism, but this is DDP Yoga, bro, it ain't your mama's yoga which means guys like us, we make this look good. Jake?

Jake "The Snake" Roberts: Well, Allen, my time is spent a lot like these guys here, after all we're the Smackdown Syndicate, so we run ideas and book matches and all that good stuff the same way we wrestled, as a cohesive unit. So I've got the book like Austin and I own my life with the yoga like Page, but at the same time, hey, I'm still a wrestler at heart, man. This body might not be what it used to be, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet, I can't just sit by and watch my passion go on and my only hand in it is helping Austin sign off on a match, and that's why I take independent bookings on the side. It's DDP Yoga seven days a week, hit the gym about four times, arms one day, legs another day, basic body maintenance.

AI: Next question yo, aight, check it, AI here aksin, what is your favourite practice and how come why it is?

Eddie Guerrero: My favorite practice? Well it should be obvious to anyone that knows me, holmes, but you're probably too caught up in your former career to have any sort of knowledge about mine. My favorite practice is to torment people, vato, to bring them to their wit's end and then drag them kicking and screaming over the edge of that end until they're so irrevocably broken on a psychological level that they don't have any will left in them to defend themselves, because their emotional state has been scattered into a thousand pieces at their feet like a shattered mirror, their mental state has been left bereft of any stability or function, which leaves their physical state an open canvas for me to pick apart piece by piece. But why? Why do I enjoy it so much?

Eddie smirks and laughs aloud before leaning in and grabbing Iverson by the shirt collar with both hands and pulling him in so that they're nose-to-nose and forehead-to-forehead.

Because I don't, and will never, forget...what has been done to me. And I certainly won't forgive any of them for it, ese'! I look into the fearful eyes of these fans as I aim cold, expressionless looks on my face in their direction and it brings joy to my heart. The only feeling that compares to that sensation, and then exceeds it, is when that person is your opponent and I'm able to strike them and slam them instead of just slandering them or looking at them with the hatred for all mankind I'm consumed by. It gives me an adrenaline rush, Allen, it makes me feel alive, and I do it for that rush, I do it to witness the despair on their faces, and I do it...to feel...the pain surging through their bodies as I inflict it. DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

Eddie violently throws Allen backward, unhanding him, as he gets up and leaves the room.

Chavo Guerrero: You'll have to forgive my Uncle Eddie, this whole thing with Kane has got him so worked up that...

Eddie is heard screaming from offscreen.
Don't say nothing, holmes! You don't owe that gringo an interview!


AI: Okay, okay, cool cool, third and final question here, how importan you think practice is on a scale of like, I dunno, 3-76, and should folks who wanna get ahead in life, like, real ahead, practice practicin? Cause like, practice makes perfect, know wha I'm sayin'?

"The Icon" Steve Borden: Three to seventy-six? What is that, the average jump the opposing team's score would see while you were actively on the court, is that how you came up with it? I'm not going to use your ridiculous scale to summarize any part of my thoughts on the matter, but I will give you those thoughts. For people who want to get ahead in life, practice is important, it's something that you should be exercising in your day-to-day. However, should they practice practicing? Am I being interviewed by Allen Iverson or Alvin Joiner? Hey, I heard you like to practice practicing so I put together a practice test for practicing so you can practice practicing while you practice practicing. There are going to be idiots that watch this worldwide remarking, "Practice-ception", I just know it.

Matt Bloom: Here's a few questions for you, Allen, who do you think is going to win the Royal Rumble? Who do you think is going to win the Rags to Riches match? If you're a smart man, even if you're as ignorant regarding our product as you were earlier accused, you know that the answer to those questions is sitting across from you right now. Steve Borden is going to win the Royal Rumble, Matt Bloom is going to win the Rags to Riches match, and order will be restored to the UWF. No longer will pretenders and puppets like Shawn Michaels and Matt Morgan sit at the top of the food chain, no, it's time for us, the only clear thinking guys in this company, to return to prominence and restore some credibility to the belts and the brands before things descend into anarchy.


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Special thanks to Dresdon for being so radical and doing the celebrity question and getting pics and colours and stuff. Spot is open for next week, first come, first is. Thank goodness for more matches next week. Also, Batista is back, so that's sweet. Maybe Shane will come back too....​

 

[Nate]

It should be noted that Smackdown is a Roulette Smackdown Fauche, so you MAY get your hardcore match.

Awesome as per usual man! Oh and I call the celebrity spot for next week as well.

 

[Chase]

Allen Iverson hahahahahhha. Put AJ on the next rundown interview, he is happy for making the top spot yet again.

 

[Andrew]

For those who don't know... I play Gargano

 

[Clydefrog]

Fauche hates Test =(

 

[Chris Dresdon]

You're right, sir, ice cream will never hear any of us. But if it did, we would all rue that day, because the years of abuse we've inflicted upon it by never considering its feelings or opinion regarding being eaten or glamming it up with toppings without its consent have made all of them bitter in a way unique to their flavor, and they would use their sudden sentience to extract their revenge(that, much like ice cream, is best served cold, otherwise it's a liquidated and soupy-esque mess). It'd be horrible to be in a Sweet Frog, Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone Creamery, or grocery store at that moment, the ice cream to human ratio wouldn't exactly be in our favor if you consider every morsel of ice cream in those boxes and buckets are individual creatures mashed together for our enjoyment. And don't get me started on the fact that some of them are Pocket Monsters.

I'm not sure how many people got that Small Soldiers reference before my pointing out of it here, but well done, that was quite clever. AJ Styles versus Major Chip Hazard at Wrestlemania or we riot. Well, maybe not riot, we'll probably just forcefully take some of the "Phenomenal One"'s potato chips. Definitely got to have a Peanuts gang battle royal though, that's not negotiable, I have to know who truly owns the Charlie Brown haircut and while I have no malice against the lovable pup, Snoopy getting put in the Sharpshooter is a visual I must see put to paper. If Oprah can be put through a table, anything is possible.

By the way, the people want to know, how do you go about spreading the two parts peanut butter and one part jelly? Because there are several options as it pertains to, for lack of a better word, design. And is 3 pm the only time that such a perfect meal is accepted? Are we not permitted to eat or craft it at any point over the other twenty three hours and fifty-nine minutes of the day? Because making such a dish and eating it in sixty seconds flat, including washing the dish, is a lot of pressure. You might as well skip the bread and spread the peanut butter and jelly on the roof of your mouth and both sides of your tongue. Then again you might bite the knife, and no one wants to taste silver for the remainder of the day, especially if you're a vampire.

The point about Muse is spot-on, every time I hear, "Madness" at work, all I can think of is how much the guy sounds like Bono during the long, drawn-out part at the end where he's like, "It's looooooooooooooooooove". In fact, I thought it was a U2 song until I looked it up on YouTube. Anyhoo, yeah the Shield suck for retiring LAX, they were one of my favorite teams in the UWF but hey, Taker's a good trade, especially given how long he's been talking about playing Taker again. lol It's too bad we won't be getting the full Shield, but I understand, I think the Shield should be played by three separate guys anyway, not two.

Sam has now joined the acronym club and also joined the, "I'm bringing back someone I was successful with before" club for the second time, and to some, the third time with the addition of Grado and Pirate Paul Burchill to his Shark Boy. Stone Cold and the Council of Underwater Nomadic Talent will have to have a beer one Smackdown, or get into a bar fight with Stone Cold E.T., Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, and whatever the parallel to Grado would be.

I actually had considered Borden picking up a valet, but at this point, after all the suggestive comments and jokes people have made about he and Bloom being a closet item, the material would switch gears to accusations of it being a cover-up. May do it anyway, just have to decide who would fit best with the group.

Velocity returns after the Royal Rumble, by the way, so bring on the Television Championship matches and the feared speculation that it's going to become a third brand!

Also, I won the match of the week! Hooray! Had a lot of fun participating with the celebrity question of the week, you encouraged using as many characters as I wanted so I took advantage of that. Any opportunity to play DDP and Jake Roberts is seized, on top of the other guys it's fun to play. Great stuff once again.

 

[Clydefrog]

You're right, sir, ice cream will never hear any of us. But if it did, we would all rue that day, because the years of abuse we've inflicted upon it by never considering its feelings or opinion regarding being eaten or glamming it up with toppings without its consent have made all of them bitter in a way unique to their flavor, and they would use their sudden sentience to extract their revenge(that, much like ice cream, is best served cold, otherwise it's a liquidated and soupy-esque mess). It'd be horrible to be in a Sweet Frog, Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone Creamery, or grocery store at that moment, the ice cream to human ratio wouldn't exactly be in our favor if you consider every morsel of ice cream in those boxes and buckets are individual creatures mashed together for our enjoyment. And don't get me started on the fact that some of them are Pocket Monsters.

I'm not sure how many people got that Small Soldiers reference before my pointing out of it here, but well done, that was quite clever. AJ Styles versus Major Chip Hazard at Wrestlemania or we riot. Well, maybe not riot, we'll probably just forcefully take some of the "Phenomenal One"'s potato chips. Definitely got to have a Peanuts gang battle royal though, that's not negotiable, I have to know who truly owns the Charlie Brown haircut and while I have no malice against the lovable pup, Snoopy getting put in the Sharpshooter is a visual I must see put to paper. If Oprah can be put through a table, anything is possible.

By the way, the people want to know, how do you go about spreading the two parts peanut butter and one part jelly? Because there are several options as it pertains to, for lack of a better word, design. And is 3 pm the only time that such a perfect meal is accepted? Are we not permitted to eat or craft it at any point over the other twenty three hours and fifty-nine minutes of the day? Because making such a dish and eating it in sixty seconds flat, including washing the dish, is a lot of pressure. You might as well skip the bread and spread the peanut butter and jelly on the roof of your mouth and both sides of your tongue. Then again you might bite the knife, and no one wants to taste silver for the remainder of the day, especially if you're a vampire.

The point about Muse is spot-on, every time I hear, "Madness" at work, all I can think of is how much the guy sounds like Bono during the long, drawn-out part at the end where he's like, "It's looooooooooooooooooove". In fact, I thought it was a U2 song until I looked it up on YouTube. Anyhoo, yeah the Shield suck for retiring LAX, they were one of my favorite teams in the UWF but hey, Taker's a good trade, especially given how long he's been talking about playing Taker again. lol It's too bad we won't be getting the full Shield, but I understand, I think the Shield should be played by three separate guys anyway, not two.

Sam has now joined the acronym club and also joined the, "I'm bringing back someone I was successful with before" club for the second time, and to some, the third time with the addition of Grado and Pirate Paul Burchill to his Shark Boy. Stone Cold and the Council of Underwater Nomadic Talent will have to have a beer one Smackdown, or get into a bar fight with Stone Cold E.T., Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow, and whatever the parallel to Grado would be.

I actually had considered Borden picking up a valet, but at this point, after all the suggestive comments and jokes people have made about he and Bloom being a closet item, the material would switch gears to accusations of it being a cover-up. May do it anyway, just have to decide who would fit best with the group.

Velocity returns after the Royal Rumble, by the way, so bring on the Television Championship matches and the feared speculation that it's going to become a third brand!

Also, I won the match of the week! Hooray! Had a lot of fun participating with the celebrity question of the week, you encouraged using as many characters as I wanted so I took advantage of that. Any opportunity to play DDP and Jake Roberts is seized, on top of the other guys it's fun to play. Great stuff once again.

i'm still due a re-match for my TV title

 

[CliqueClacks]

Yay, I'm Number 2!

The real question is, who does number 2 work for?

 

[Quad]

Tyson Kidd is hella tight

was there ever any doubt? And if there was, what colour was it, and where did it sleep? And when it went out in the rain, could you tell if it cried?

“A win by DQ is still a win” is what Test sobbed into his pillow every night since the last Raw.

going to start a petition for fauche to write a book of quotes

 

[Fauche]

Fauche hates Test =(

But I'll always love you, at least, I do in my never ending nightmares.

Also, Dresdon should do a Rundown of THE RUNDOWN every week. That would be so meta. Concerning that sandwich, I went to summer camp with this kid years and years ago who always used to say "two-part peanut-butter one-part-jelly" and claim it was from a 3 6 Mafia song. Any questions about it can be sent to them, or to rey I guess.