The WS Mental Health and Empathy Thread

[King Kota]

I been feeling trapped lately in my own head ever since my mother came and visited with my step dad in tow. I tried to act normal around them but, my anxiety it shot up tenfold and I couldn't even speak. I felt so weak so insecure I couldn't even make eye contact I looked down when I spoke I just felt so little. I really wish I could get over my past but, it feels like everytime I feel any source of normalcy it comes back to me in a wave and I feel like I got a ton of pressure on my chest and I can't breath. I should be over it now. I felt like when I got away from them it would feel better that from my age of 5- 17 that 12 year hell I was in would be over and for awhile it did. When I lived with my mom my grades sucked. I felt trapped in a house when even when I tried to get away and just do my own thing I get screamed at I come home from school I get screamed it. Whatever I did I get screamed at probably why I spent so much time at my buddies literally from 3 PM on a Friday or whenever school let off until that sunday at 9:00 PM to the point I didn't even feel like a family in my own home I felt like a stranger and my mom and the family would do stuff while I was away fun family activities and I come home and they did this or that. My mom lives in this fantasy world where everything was ok and didn't wanna acknowledge anything that goes on the night my step dad put me through a wall her phone call was apparently more important and when her husband put me down to the ground with his knee on my back as I screamed for help she shut the door in my face.


I got up he was on my back and a split second ran through my mind to just jump down the stairs with both him on my back. I was done I wanted out and I wanted I needed to get away. I didn't but, I slammed his back against the wall and said I am done I am leaving this house. I think the next day I went to school but, I had a headache so bad. A school friend asked me what was wrong I didn't say anything but, looking back I most likely had a concussion.

(The whole fight started when he was talking about my father and I told him not to do it when my father isn't around to defend himself I also questioned why he never said anything to my dad's face I think he was just trying to push my buttons tbh with you he always do that shit to start something with me.)

This guy to when I was very hysterical and angry talking bout killing myself handed me a butcher knife too.

My mom, acts like this shit didn't happen she never once said anything about the situation when asked to her friends and family she said I moved to Buffalo to take care of my grandparents in which I did when they needed me too but, the reason why was because of that fight. She doesn't acknowledge it. I feel like I am going to be the ad guy if I ever bring it up too and I tried to keep away from them I want to move on with my life but, to act like it never happen fuck. For a long time to I felt trapped my mom lived in PA I lived in NY throughout the years I did tell my dad and my great grandparents what was going on. Hell when I moved it was my moms mother who took me down with all my things. My moms family knows what happen I told them about it they always been very good to me. My dads side is just his parents and his sis but, my dad went through similar thing when he was younger but, he joined the army at 17.

The thing is I failed the 9th grade , it was because I was just such in a bad place I couldn't focus and when I moved to NY I made the honor roll I was averaging 80-89 in my classes overall and much better in the other ones History I aced and so on.

I don't think I ever will be normal and honestly some day this shit might actually kill me. The thing is I hate confrontation because of that and I try my very best to keep away from it because I go into this anxious paranoids state and just try to run from that shit probably one I am terrible in relationships.


I feel bad to for feeling this way cause I know people had it worst then I did and I feel guilty af for looking for help and such too. IDK I just had to get things off my chest.

This stuff is still holding true and to update a little for those of you that dont know my mother with my step dad moved to the town I live now well the next town over still only bout 15 mins away from me. She then started randomly showing up at my house at all times of the day and night even coming in at 9:00 PM to "surprise" me as she would say and then started to show up at my work 2x. Well I asked her to please not show up at my work its my job. You think she would respect me and my boundaries? No. She then shows up at me work how do I find out but when my brother who i wasnt close with in first place her and my step dad are at my work with my brother on the ramp of my dock as soon as I get off my boat. I go into an anxiety attack and get pretty angry because again she doesnt respect my boundaries now im working trying to do the stuff I have to do after tour put away mask vest clean up take up pictures stuff like that plus we were putting a piece of the dock back in and he is just staring at me and giving all my captains evil eye (3 different captains say he is) one of my captains tells my brother that he should let me be as im working he said it as trying to make a dime and my mother runs into my shop and complains to my bose while im still trying to do stuff. I will admit I did blow my brother off a lil cause like your basically a stranger to me I havent seen you in 10+years im not gonna drop everything while im in the middle of work. I told him once I was done fine but he just kept looking over my shoulder and I had enough. My capt gives me ride back home from work cause im only two blocks away and asked me if I needed a ride I said yes please while im getting anxious and all the captains can see im like freaking out too. I go ovrr and ask him where mom is I told her im tired i had a long day at work and I wanted to go home go to bed cause its what I do after every work day. She remarks I would feel thst way too if I had to work with that capt. I said no mom he didnt do anything wrong. He is just being protective of me. She responds from your mother & your brother I said yes. I then told her you need to stop randomly unannounced showing up at my work & my house its not cute its not a surprise its disrespectful to my boundaries. I walk off go to my Capt go home tell my dad who I freak out too the point tears run down my face he said she didnt call him or anything either and I explain to him she needs to stop. 20 mins later she calls him on the phone saying how all this and why hes not wanting to talk with her why i wont answer phone calls she wants to buy this she wants me and him to come over for drinks all this stuff. I told him boundaries that me going out is not something im comfortable with when im tired and the fact that she is with a guy who abused me and im so not ok with seeing. My dad gets mad at me too over it cause he doesn't want to deal with it and then threatening me to deal with it and tellimg me what to do even though im grown adult i say but you still living under my roof. I love my dad I mean we have fights like anyone but I mean you know. Shes mad cause i didnt say happy mothers day to her or send her anything stuff like that which case i was in wromg there but i mean if we really wanna get into that my mother lost her right to call me her son when she shut the door on my face but whatever and this all started to with a tv that she bought me for Christmas that i told her i bought myself that turned into a ordeal too where my mother again disregarded what I said. I know how bad can it be she bought you a tv but like that was before she moved doen here and I said ty i was thinking you know ok cool whatever its her since shes halfway across country at and she bought all the shit fir other kids ig (tend to feel like shes trying to buy her way back in my life) which case I should of turned down the tv. I guess this all leads to right now tonight where i cant sleep and my anxiety is through the roof because I have to confront het and all thst and I hate confrontation as much as i seem to get it ti happen here sometimes I usually irl if shit happens i ignore shit or walk away from it because I hate feeling so reved up all the time. I am here with really bad thoughts in my head thinking bout my funeral and how I would go out. Man im just fucked in head im not ok im too much of a pussy to kill myself too. Im just AHH.

 

[CakeWalker]

Until further notice I'm going to avoid the shoutbox. I've far to mentally and emotionally unstable, and really I shouldn't be interacting with people. I'm my own my worst enemy, and sometimes I feel it would just be better if....

Well if I wasn't such a coward.

I'm going to start taking my meds again.

 

[Alexa]

Only if I stayed around for two years because this thread would have helped me out a whole during that time. To start, I have been battling Bipolar 1 Disorder, Social Anxiety, Gender Dysphoria, and Body Dysmorphia even since I could remember, but it hit real bad when I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then I have been battling them, and kept quit about everything until I had breakdown on my birthday and I knew it was time to get everything straighten out. So I went to several doctors and supports and now things are better or as better as they can be. I have been the proper drugs and support, and I finally transitioned to a woman for about 2 years now, which was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I would also like to say it is pretty awesome to see a forum where the people support one another and all.

 

[Sabretooth]

 

[Marty McFourth]

Grief never gets easier. I have lost a few people I was close with in my personal life now, and even when you are expecting it. It still hits you like a freight train.

I'll never get over the idea someone can be here one day full of life and the next day they are just gone. It's hard to fathom.

I'm just trying to remember to be strong and that I am only 25. This shit is going to be hard but I know I can get through it, I always do.

 

[Lady Redfield]

Well, my usual state of dread has come around. This has been going on for many years, I may share the details some day here, but, for now, I just keep it to myself as not even a lot of people in my life know about it. There’s a certain topic that makes me feel guilty, makes me feel like a failure, all that cool stuff. In this time, I feel like my head goes all over the place, like I’ll see things in a way they might not even be presented as. Take this forum, as an example….I’ll read a response from someone and think “wow, what the fuck is that guy’s problem?” when it was most likely not even a post intended to be an attack type of post on anyone. I’m not a sensitive person in general, there’s plenty I don’t let bother me, but, there’s less than a handful of things that do bother me more often than I’d like them to.

not looking for sympathy, not looking for attention as I hate that shit, just like that we have this thread here to use like a journal. It helps with relief to just type immediate thoughts, even if no one was to even acknowledge it.

i hope one day, everyone who has struggled and shared in this thread can look back on their posts and not be that sad person anymore, just be the person who conquered whatever had us down.

 

[Alexa]

About an hour ago, I got a phone call and it was one I have been waiting for. I have been approved for my GRS, Gender Reassignment Surgery, which is great, but the bad thing is that I was hoping I would have like six months to mentally prepare myself and all, but instead I get three months and have to go out of state to get it done. So while I am excited about this surgery, I am just worried if there will be any problems afterwards that may require more surgery or if everything will smooth and nothing major happens. Course the other thing is that I'll be myself in a whole different state without any real support. So yeah, this next few months are going to be interesting and a major test to say the least.

 

[King Kota]

Congrants thats excellent new usually on here we hear about people at their lowest its cool to see you with somewhat good news

 

[Alexa]

Congrants thats excellent new usually on here we hear about people at their lowest its cool to see you with somewhat good news

Thank you, and I just try spread positive news when I can as it may help out someone.

 

[Doom]

I want to clear the air on things. I'm autistic.

I've struggle in different fields most of my life and it began at the age of 2.

I've struggled in conversations, especially long conversations with people. I cannot put out how I truly feel about this and that, because my mind's completely blank. Believe me, I want to try to be in a conversation, but my brain's absent and I have nothing to show for.

I've even had problems in group meets back in the 2010s, I've still struggled to fit in. I've struggled to make friends throughout my life. I've rarely go to a friend's house and hang out, spend the night, and play games and other stuff. My siblings hung out with their friends, I didn't. I was at home all the time on my computer. Looking back at those years, it made me depressed and it still does today. What devastated me, was in 2016, when my internet and cable was turned off, I was desperate for friendship and companionship on Facebook, with my so-called friends around where I live. It seemed like nobody cared and I still remembered that. That's why I got rid of social media last year, because it's not for me. I've tried and it failed. I do have a good friend that I've known for 18 years, because me and him played Quake II back in 2003. I'm fortunate to have him as a long-term friend, because he's the only one that kept me in touch. But again, he lives in Missouri and I live in Alabama. I'm afraid that I will never meet him in person and it sucks, because I have no car and lack the driving skills. That brings more burden on me having to be either at home or work most of the time.

I've even had a failed relationship with my ex-boyfriend back in 2013. Not only we lacked conversation, but the eye contact we've made while we were in love, didn't cut it. I never liked making eye contact with anyone, period, because I'm expected to look them in the eye and gather information. So, my relationship with him lasted for 3 months and I haven't been in a relationship for 8 years after we broke up. He offered me to be a "Friend With Benefits," but I've turned it down because he broke my heart and I didn't know how to process it at that time.

Dealing with the symptoms of autism sucks ass, because it has robbed me from being a normal person, doing normal things like dating, hanging out with friends, having a conversation, etc,. I know Grim told me that it's okay to be on the spectrum, but it's not okay with some of the things I've missed out in life growing up. I beat myself up thinking about what could have been. Even when my brother's joking most of the time, it doesn't phase me. It's like he makes the joke and it went right over me.

I want everybody to realize the struggle I go through dealing with autism and dealing with the bullshit at home. I've badly, badly want to move out and I got the money to. But the problem is: My mother doesn't to seem to wanting to help. Her drinking in the afternoon through the night is her daily thing. She wants a place that allows both my dog and cat, and that's hard as fuck to find, especially living in a small city. I've lost hope in that and that makes my life have a dead end with no light at the end.

So there you go. All of this is why it doesn't seem like that I have purpose in life. I'm scared what the future holds for me if things don't get better. I just hope everyone understands me and my struggle, because it sucks dealing with all this.

 

[Lady Redfield]

I want to clear the air on things. I'm autistic.

I've struggle in different fields most of my life and it began at the age of 2.

I've struggled in conversations, especially long conversations with people. I cannot put out how I truly feel about this and that, because my mind's completely blank. Believe me, I want to try to be in a conversation, but my brain's absent and I have nothing to show for.

I've even had problems in group meets back in the 2010s, I've still struggled to fit in. I've struggled to make friends throughout my life. I've rarely go to a friend's house and hang out, spend the night, and play games and other stuff. My siblings hung out with their friends, I didn't. I was at home all the time on my computer. Looking back at those years, it made me depressed and it still does today. What devastated me, was in 2016, when my internet and cable was turned off, I was desperate for friendship and companionship on Facebook, with my so-called friends around where I live. It seemed like nobody cared and I still remembered that. That's why I got rid of social media last year, because it's not for me. I've tried and it failed. I do have a good friend that I've known for 18 years, because me and him played Quake II back in 2003. I'm fortunate to have him as a long-term friend, because he's the only one that kept me in touch. But again, he lives in Missouri and I live in Alabama. I'm afraid that I will never meet him in person and it sucks, because I have no car and lack the driving skills. That brings more burden on me having to be either at home or work most of the time.

I've even had a failed relationship with my ex-boyfriend back in 2013. Not only we lacked conversation, but the eye contact we've made while we were in love, didn't cut it. I never liked making eye contact with anyone, period, because I'm expected to look them in the eye and gather information. So, my relationship with him lasted for 3 months and I haven't been in a relationship for 8 years after we broke up. He offered me to be a "Friend With Benefits," but I've turned it down because he broke my heart and I didn't know how to process it at that time.

Dealing with the symptoms of autism sucks ass, because it has robbed me from being a normal person, doing normal things like dating, hanging out with friends, having a conversation, etc,. I know Grim told me that it's okay to be on the spectrum, but it's not okay with some of the things I've missed out in life growing up. I beat myself up thinking about what could have been. Even when my brother's joking most of the time, it doesn't phase me. It's like he makes the joke and it went right over me.

I want everybody to realize the struggle I go through dealing with autism and dealing with the bullshit at home. I've badly, badly want to move out and I got the money to. But the problem is: My mother doesn't to seem to wanting to help. Her drinking in the afternoon through the night is her daily thing. She wants a place that allows both my dog and cat, and that's hard as fuck to find, especially living in a small city. I've lost hope in that and that makes my life have a dead end with no light at the end.

So there you go. All of this is why it doesn't seem like that I have purpose in life. I'm scared what the future holds for me if things don't get better. I just hope everyone understands me and my struggle, because it sucks dealing with all this.

Have you thought of relocating to a different state, or even just city? With your friend of 18 years, is there anything he can do for you? Like maybe you guys can grab an apartment together or something, unless he’s living with someone other than parents. I’m sure you will find a place that allows pets. Just gotta get out of where you are, it seems.

 

[Doom]

Have you thought of relocating to a different state, or even just city? With your friend of 18 years, is there anything he can do for you? Like maybe you guys can grab an apartment together or something, unless he’s living with someone other than parents. I’m sure you will find a place that allows pets. Just gotta get out of where you are, it seems.

It's impossible to relocate to a different state. That means that I'll have to leave everyone behind, my job behind, I can't afford to do that.

 

[Sabretooth]

It's impossible to relocate to a different state. That means that I'll have to leave everyone behind, my job behind, I can't afford to do that.

You could apply to jobs and then move after you get it.

 

[Lady Redfield]

It's impossible to relocate to a different state. That means that I'll have to leave everyone behind, my job behind, I can't afford to do that.

Could your friend perhaps move to where you are? Maybe worth asking so you can room together somewhere.

 

[Doom]

Could your friend perhaps move to where you are? Maybe worth asking so you can room together somewhere.

I doubt he would move, especially owning ten acres of land where he lives. I don't see it happen.

Moving forward, I'm trying my best to move forward. I need to try not to think of negative outcomes in life, because I have been pessimistic what the future may hold. It's time to think positive thoughts and maybe we'll have a great day.