The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Inferno)

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Puppet Master II)

Puppet Master II


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The killer puppets return their original master, Andre Toulon, to life in order for him to help them collect brains for more fluid to stay alive. When a group of paranormal investigators come to the Bodega Bay Hotel, spurred on by Alex Whitaker's stories, the puppets begin to stalk and kill them. However, Toulon soon notices that one of the investigators, Carolyn, looks just like his dead wife Elsa, and begins a strange plot to bring her back to life instead of helping his unholy creations.

​

Charles Band’s direct-to-video experiment with Puppet Master had proven to be a success and so he sought to go to the well again soon after. Deciding to take the film down a darker road, he brought in a special effects wizard to handle the direction while he set about crafting an addition to the original story. The result was 1991’s Puppet Master II, essentially a direct continuation of the first one with a twist; a new villain. Unfortunately this ultimately ends up being more of a hindrance to the film than a benefit and the final product pales in comparison to its predecessor even though the basic idea remains the same. Still, even with its shortcomings, the film managed to prove once again that the low-budget, direct-to-video market was quite lucrative. Obviously the main objective should always be to make a really good movie, but I’m sure that Band didn’t mind sacrificing that for the quick and steady profits he got. While it’s certainly not as good as the first one there’s still plenty to like about Puppet Master II; just not a whole lot to love.

"No wonder he's pouring it out, I wouldn't be drinking that green shit either!"
​

David Allen directs this installment and while he’d never made a feature before he brought a wealth of special effects experience to the table. Just a quick look at this guy’s resume reveals some particularly strong visual effects work in films such as The Howling and The Hunger and also some collaborations with schlock master Larry Clark (The Stuff). Seeing as his background was in effects, I think he was a good choice for director given the amount of effects work on display here. They’re once again pretty strong for the time period, and Toulon's makeup in particular is quite good. I may disagree with how the character was written but he sure looks the part of a villain. Speaking of writing, the script this time around was handled by David Pabian who wrote from a story by series creator, Charles Band. Pabian has only ever worked on four films including this one and I can certainly see why considering how horrible his writing skills are. When the only plot that you need for a killer puppet movie is no plot at all, he attempts to create a ridiculously pointless story and even a history for his villain. Honestly, I just don’t care because the interest in this film comes from watching stop-motion puppets kill bad actors and nothing more. On the bright side of things, he does manage to write some seriously bad dialogue (more on that below) and at the very least it’s good for a laugh even though it wasn’t meant to be.

"It's probably a bitch to eat or drink in this outfit...but imagine going to the bathroom!"
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Toulon, the villain of the picture, is played by Steve Welles and he’s easily the best actor in this film though that's not saying much. While the last film lowered the bar for actors everywhere, this one shoves that bar straight up its own ass. The brother and sister characters are pretty poorly written but the actors playing them (Greg Webb and Elizabeth Maclellan respectively) are even worse. Luckily Patrick is killed off quickly enough, but that just brings us the sister's love interest, Michael. Unfortunately for us, the actor playing Michael, Collin Bernsen, is even worse than Webb so you can just imagine how stellar his scenes with the Maclellan are! Meanwhile, Nita Talbot’s Camille is so outrageous that she comes across like a cartoon character most of the time. Camille has some great lines though including this one on strange happenings in the area; "it could be a cult, are there any satanists around?" and this gem on the hotel; "The taint of unholy fury has been absorbed by every particle in this place.". Thankfully Talbot manages to deliver these incredibly bizarre lines with bravado and takes over the comic relief role that Mews Small had in the first one. Finally, I can’t go on without mentioning George “Buck†Flower and Sage Allen as a couple of rednecks, because they’re two of the best parts of this entire movie. Don’t believe me, just check out this modern day American Gothic re-enactment below.

"This is a goddamn work of art right here."
​

The main problem with Puppet Master II is that it's missing the unintentional comedy of the first one. This one tries way too hard to be a serious horror film and it just doesn't work. Turning Toulon into the villain also doesn't make any sense to me since he didn't exhibit any villainous qualities previously. It's almost as if Band and Pabian just couldn't come up with a bad guy and chose him by default because they remembered the name. The puppets are still cool though, and along with Blade, Pinhead and the others from before, there's a new SS flamethrower one as well, lovingly known as Torch. There's also a scene where a kid whips a doll and it's actually a little disturbing to see inanimate objects treated so poorly. Luckily the kid soon makes the mistake of whipping Torch, and while it’s not shown I'd like to think he ate fire and died like the little bastard that he was. I'd also like to point out how ridiculous it is that none of the characters seem to care that there's a guy hanging around with them dressed like Claude Rains in The Invisible Man. Then again, these are the same people who don’t even bother to call the cops after Patrick is killed; they simply stick his body in the freezer and go on about their business! All in all, Puppet Master II is pretty much more of the same but with a lot less laughs, something that really ends up costing it in the long run.

"Mess with the puppet, get the flamethrower."
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Like its predecessor, this film has no financial information, but it was apparently shot on a budget of under $700,000 which is pretty low. To be honest, a lot of the time it shows, particularly in the hiring of poor actors, but at least the special effects are good. While it’s not as good as the first one, Puppet Master II still has a few moments and one hell of cool new puppet. I’d personally suggest you check it out if you liked the first, but that’s about it. 5/10.

"Tomorrow...the wild, wild west...with Nazis!"
​

 

[Wangman Page]

Flame thrower is a great puppet I think his emotionless side suits him along with Blade always seemingly being happy. Great review Fuji. Can't wait for the next one.

If memory serves me right the next one is slightly better than this one

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Puppet Master II)

If memory serves me right the next one is slightly better than this one

I think so too, but I haven't seen it in years. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Puppet Master II)

Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge


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In Berlin during WWII, the Nazi regime is attempting to develop a drug that will animate the dead in order to create an undefeatable army. They soon learn of Toulon, a strange puppeteer who seems to breathe life into his creations. He is labeled a Nazi dissident and his workshop is soon raided. During this raid, Toulon's beautiful wife is murdered by the evil Major Krauss. Shortly after, Toulon escapes and vows revenge against all of those responsible with the help of his "friends".

​

1991 was definitely a banner year for producer/distributor Charles Band, as he released 6 full-length movies including two in the Puppet Master series. While the first one, Puppet Master II, was a direct sequel to the original 1989 film, Band sought to do something a little different with the third. Thankfully, instead of continuing on from the idiotic cliffhanger at the end of Part II, Band instead chose to turn this film into a prequel. This was probably the best possible move, as it allows us to learn Toulon's back-story and, more importantly, see him (and the puppets) cast in a more heroic role. Turning these characters into anti-establishment Nazi-fighters was smart; it allows us to see them in a new light which puts a fresh perspective on things. It was pretty obvious after the second film that something needed to change in the series to give it some longevity, and this would prove to be exactly what the doctor ordered. Far and away a better film than its predecessors, Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge is the cream of the crop in the series and just an awesome piece of horror entertainment.

"Say hello to my little friend."
​

For the directing chores this time around, Band turned to David DeCoteau, who had previously done Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (I swear that's a real movie) for him. DeCoteau’s directed more than 100 movies (seriously, look it up) and while I doubt he’s ever won an award for his work it’s definitely passable. A student of Roger Corman’s, you can pretty much guess the directorial style he brings to the table. Deliberate pacing, an emphasis on close-action and stylized camera angles are all the norm here, and luckily almost all work quite well. I wasn’t a big fan of the way he decided to tack on the flashback scenes from Part II towards the end, but perhaps that was Band’s choice and not his. Meanwhile, the script, by another Band collaborator, C. Courtney Joyner, is pretty pedestrian but works in the sense that it creates an easy story to follow. There's also no bad dialogue here, a problem which plagued the first two, so that's a definite plus. As per usual, the special effects team is also up to the challenge of rendering the killer puppets and here they really outdo themselves. In fact, I’m amazed that this film and the second one were made at the same time since this one seems so much more polished and professional. Oh, there’s also one other thing this movie has going for it that the first two didn't, and that something is...

"It's time Rostov...time to die."
​

Some of you may know my affinity for Richard Lynch after he blew a man's penis off in the Chuck Norris movie Invasion USA. Unfortunately he doesn't get to blow anyone's penis off here, but he's up to his usual high standards of poor acting so there's always that to look forward to. Meanwhile, James Bond fans will be quick to notice General Gogol portrayer Walter Gotell as a Nazi comrade of Lynch's, while Ian Abercrombie AKA Wiseman in Army of Darkness plays a sympathetic doctor. All of this adds up to a healthy dose of awesome as the three of them make for the best villains in the series yet. After all, it's hard not to hate Nazi's and revel in their eventual demise right? The man responsible for taking the fight to these bastards is none other than Toulon himself, portrayed here by Guy Rolfe. While I wouldn't say Rolfe should win any acting awards for his performance, he's very good at conveying his emotional distress and hunger for revenge after the death of his wife. After the horrid acting in the first two films, the work here is definitely a welcome change and just another reason why this movie is way better than those. Plus, again, it's got General Gogol in it for fuck's sakes!

"Walter Gotell..the man, the myth, the legend."
​

Like the second film, this one chooses to go for a darker tone but unlike that one, it actually works. Part of the reason for that is the obvious choice to cast hateable characters as villains, since nobody could hate the puppets in the first place! Speaking of the puppets, they're once again front and center and this time they mean serious business. Not only are their kills more vicious here, they're more methodical as well, no longer coming across as hapless stalkers. At the same time, we get to see the origins of some of them, including Leech Woman and Blade, two great moments in the film for sure. There's also a new puppet, Six Shooter, a total bad ass with six arms and the guns to go with them. As if things couldn't get any better than that, there are also multiple boob shots here, always a requisite for a good horror film! The whole thing culminates in a totally brutal ending where the Major Krauss (Lynch of course) gets totally owned by the killer puppets before being hung and then dropped onto an axe in a serious bit of overkill. Alright, so that may have been a little over the top, but he was a goddamn Nazi after all so it’s cool with me. I honestly didn’t expect that much out of Puppet Master III after watching the first two, so I think it’s safe to say that I was totally blown away by how good it was. Now my only concern is that there’s no way any of the other films will be able to top it.

"Goddamn bath salts."
​

Puppet Master III was shot on a budget of about $800,000 over a period of just 18 days, yet it absolutely killed the first two in the series in terms of both quality and horror. Not only that, it also proved that these killer puppets could be viable anti-heroes and that there may be some real longevity to the series. That would hold true, as quite a few more Puppet Master films have been made since, including two more that we’ll be looking at early next week. I really have no recollection of them, but I highly doubt they’ll be as good as Toulon’s Revenge, quite possibly the best killer puppet movie I have ever seen. 7/10.

"Coming up on Monday, hair this good could only be in a Part 4."
​

 

[Wangman Page]

I thought this was the one you were going to review. I think this is best of the 9 or so films. I do like the puppet that appears in the end of this one


Great review Fuji. Anticipating the next one.

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge)

Puppet Master 4


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A young scientist working on an artificial intelligence project is the target of strange gremlin-like creatures, which are out to kill him and thus terminate his research. By coincidence, in one of the rooms he uses, there's a mysterious case containing the puppets of Toulon, the "puppet master". Once this young scientist discovers the secret to animating the puppets, they join him in fighting the creatures, but will their combined forces be enough to defeat them?

​

After Puppet Master III had turned out to be a relative success from a horror film standpoint, I was admittedly quite nervous about tackling the next chapter in the series. I just had this nagging suspicion that there was no way it was going to live up to its predecessor. Well, I was right, but even I didn’t realize how bad it could possibly get. Sacrificing pretty much everything that made the previous film a solid one, Puppet Master 4 has the dubious “honour” of being the worst in the series to date and a prime example of a movie that’s so bad, it’s just bad. Many factors contribute to this, from shoddy writing, poor direction, incredibly awful acting and even laser cannons. Yes, that’s right, there are laser cannons here, and yes, they make the film bad. I know what you’re thinking; “how the hell can laser cannons make a movie bad?” and all I have to say to that is, watch this movie and you’ll see! While I wasn’t shocked that it was poor in comparison to the third film, even I wasn’t prepared for just how bad Puppet Master 4 turned out. Basically, what I’m trying to say here is that it sucks, but I guess you probably already realize that from reading the above statement.

"The gangs all here."
​

This time around, the director is Jeff Burr, who had previously done The Stepfather II and Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, both decent movies. Unfortunately it appears that he either sold his soul to the devil to make those movies good or just used up all his talent, because his direction here is sloppy at best. The first 10 minutes of this movie are so horribly paced I have no idea what’s happening and believe me, it doesn’t get much better from then on in. Not to mention, his penchant for using extreme slow-motion shots gets annoying almost instantaneously and really distracts from the scenes they’re used in. However, his direction is only part of the problem; the screenplay (if you can even call it that) is laughable to say the least. You know what the crazy part about that is? It took FIVE FUCKING PEOPLE TO WRITE, which just boggles my mind. I’m not even going to bother listing all their names and they should thank me for that. To make matters worse, a quick check reveals that almost all of them are back to write Part 5 (along with Burr directing), which doesn’t inspire much confidence in me considering I plan on watching it later tonight. Suffice to say, this is easily one of the worst written horror films I have ever seen, and you guys know I’ve seen more than a few.

"All this work just to develop a better tasting Red Bull."
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Where the acting in the last film was relatively strong, it's back to the usual low standards for this outing. I'm not even joking when I say that there's a robotic arm in this film that shows more emotion than the leads! Those two, played by Gordon Currie and Chandra West, are just unbelievably bad and give the actors in Part II a serious run for their money as worst of all time. Currie's previous work included getting killed by Jason in Friday the 13th Part VIII while West went on to star in a bunch of Universal Soldier sequels; not a good career move if you ask me. Meanwhile, Jason Adams portrayal of Cameron could have won him a free trip to the guillotine courtesy of the acting Gods, while Teresa Hill isn't even noteworthy as his psychic love interest. Hell, even Guy Rolfe, who returns to play Toulon as he did in the last film, seems totally uninspired here and is only around for exposition's sake. I did enjoy seeing the black dude from Robocop, Felton Perry, playing a hapless victim of one of Sutekh's minions, but he was gone too quick to make any kind of impact.

"Sutekh, looking like quite the bad ass prior to being pwned by Tom Baker."
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For this outing, the vicious Egyptian/Osirian, Sutekh the Destroyer, is brought in to be the villain. Sutekh was previously spanked across time by Tom Baker in the Doctor Who serial Pyramids of Mars, so I've always had a soft spot for the dude. Apparently Toulon stole his formula from him, and now Sutekh's right pissed about it and wants them motherfuckers to pay! Alright, so here's major problem number one with this movie. Sutekh sends his minions to take out his victims by using the mail. Well what the hell is his return address and how does he even know how many stamps to use? I know it’s just a movie but damned if things like this don't bother me more than they should! The second major problem is making the puppets WAY too likeable. In the last film they really worked as anti-heroes, but here they just come across really goofy and too playful to pose any kind of threat to anyone. On the bright side of things, the puppets and Sutekh's minions are animated really well this time around. In fact, I'd say the stop-motion work here is by far the best in the series to date; it's just too bad nothing else was. This one also names the puppets, something that hadn't been done in the series before. Unfortunately naming the puppets and good animation aren’t enough to save this from utter mediocrity and by the time the credits roll you’re really just happy that it’s finally over.

"I didn't know there was a Silver Surfer puppet too."
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Much like the rest of the films in the series, Puppet Master 4 was released direct-to-video in 1993 and obviously did well enough to warrant another. I don’t have any budget information for this one but if anybody working on it took more than $100 as a salary they should be ashamed of themselves. I can normally find something to like about any movie, including reviled garbage like Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe and Manos: The Hands of Fate. Amazingly, I cannot say the same about Puppet Master 4, easily the worst in the series thus far and just an utter fail on almost every level. I’ll be finishing up the series tomorrow and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it save for the fact that it’s virtually impossible Part 5 will be as bad as this one…right? 3/10.

"Tomorrow...strange bedfellows."
​

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Puppet Master 4)

Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter


​

After being thwarted by new puppet master Rick Myers, the evil demon Sutekh hatches a new plot to get revenge. Creating a puppet of his own and imbuing it with the essence of his soul, he then sends it through a dimensional portal to the Bodega Bay inn. Meanwhile, Myers is released from prison, bailed out by his Omega colleague, Dr. Jennings. However, Jennings motivations for this are solely greed based, as he plans on using Myers to gain access to the puppets he controls. All of these figures will meet at the inn for one final battle between good and evil.

​

What do you do when you’ve just made a movie that’s a total fail on almost every level imaginable? If you’re Charles Band, you make another one using the same cast and crew, that’s what! Yes indeed, Puppet Master 5, quaintly titled The Final Chapter, serves as a follow up to the previous film and actually manages to outdo it in terms of ineptitude. Luckily there are a few shining moments within that give it a real shot at being better than its predecessor, but at the end of the day they’re pretty few and far between. For some reason it seems to me that 4 and 5 should actually have been one long movie, with a bit of the filler in both chopped out. If that had been the case, I think the resulting product may just have been the absolute worst film of all time, but at least it would have been fun to watch. Instead we got two of these piles of crap, and while this one seems to try harder than Part 4, it never really succeeds. The Final Chapter is an appropriate title, since it should have ended this series permanently. After all, when killer puppets are no longer doing it for you, it’s pretty obvious that the well has run dry.

"After watching so many of these movies in a row, I find this strangely erotic...help me!"
​

As the film is essentially a direct continuation from the previous one, nearly the entire crew is back. Unfortunately they proved to be nothing short of totally inept the first time around, and this time they actually manage to outdo themselves. I’m fairly certain that these two films were actually shot at the same time and simply chopped into two parts, since everything about them feels the same. Jeff Burr's direction is once again awful, and this time he adds some really stupid editing cuts to the film as well, possibly in an attempt to make it look more like Star Wars than Star Crash. His pacing also sucks, as he once again doesn’t seem to know how to keep a film moving along properly. I swear I have no idea how this guy managed to pull off Leatherface when he seems so totally out of his element here. As with the last film, the script is pretty poor here, yet it’s once again written by five people, which really just goes to prove the “too many cooks” theory that I’ve discussed before.

"If only he was shooting the writers, and the director, and the cast..."
​

Proving that you just can't keep a bad actor down, both Gordon "I can't act" Currie and Chandra "I'm even worse" West are back as the leads. The fact that they most likely worked for peanuts (literally) is the only reason I can see them being asked to return, since once again they are just fucking brutal. On the bright side of things, West is a lot better looking this time around, so I can get past the fact that she should never have been an actress in the first place. Teresa Hill also returns to reprise her role as Lauren, the psychic, from the last film and I can only imagine she did so to prove that she could actually do a worse job than before. Thankfully she spends most of the movie in a hospital bed, and only manages the occasional scream, so she doesn’t ruin things with her presence. Meanwhile, Ian Ogilvy (who starred in the excellent Vincent Price film Witchfinder General) appears as a new villain and thankfully he isn't just in it for the paycheck. He's not the best actor by any stretch, but he's miles ahead of everyone else here and really puts the weight of the film on his back when he has to. Veteran horror actor Clu Gulager also has a brief cameo which is cool because he rocks.

"This is how I felt while watching the movie...face-raped."
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If there's one thing I hate more than anything else in horror movies, it's fucking flashbacks to movies that came before them in the series. I mean, who the hell is going to randomly watch Puppet Master 5 without having seen the previous ones? The use of these flashbacks just screams "we don't have a clue how to make a good movie", which is definitely the case here because the first 10 minutes are a recap of Puppet Master 4. Since it is a continuation, good old Sutekh the Destroyer is back for another kick at the can and this time he's got a puppet of his own to do his evil bidding. However, he's obviously no match for our favourite killer puppets, and this time they're all here, even Torch! Honestly, the fact that Torch makes a return appearance in this movie is enough for me to rank it above the previous one, because he's just that awesome. I also liked the hotel subplot with Jennings and his cronies attempting to steal the puppets, not because it was particularly good but because of how different it felt from the rest of the movie. Plus, it was a real bonus to see the morons get what was coming to them, trying to steal killer puppets and all. I mean, how stupid can you be right? I think my favourite moment in the entire film comes when one of them calls Pinhead and ugly motherfucker and he just up and socks him right in the face! Unfortunately there just aren’t enough of these moments to make the film memorable and so the Final Chapter ends with more of a whimper than a bang, something I’m sure the filmmakers weren’t intending.

"Alright, here's the plan, we go in the house and then we get killed by puppets. Got it?"
​

After watching five of these movies in less than a week I can safely say that I have full confirmation of my insanity. It’s not that they’re all bad (alright, the last two were), but that’s just a lot of killer puppets in a really short amount of time. Amazingly enough, there’s a bunch more of these movies out there, but there’s no chance in hell I’ll be watching them anytime soon. However, I’ll always have the memories of Blade, Pinhead, Torch and all the rest of the little bastards to keep me warm at night. I’m going to give Puppet Master 5 a 4/10 since I did feel it was a tad better than the last one, but it’s still nothing anyone sane needs to go out of their way to watch! And with that, my Puppet Master odyssey has come to an end, thanks to everyone who came along for the ride and get ready, because there’s more craziness to come in short order.

"Tomorrow...shock and terror."
​

 

[Wangman Page]

I know I watched them to see if any new puppets appeared and how they would kill the people good reviews.

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter)

I know I watched them to see if any new puppets appeared and how they would kill the people good reviews.

Thanks man, glad you enjoyed them. And now for something completely different....

Birdemic: Shock and Terror


​

A swarm of eagles and vultures attack the residents of a small town, causing many deaths. While people flee in panic, others try to determine what's causing the birds to attack in the first place. After awhile, several survivors manage to fight back, but with their numbers dwindling, will any of them survive the Birdemic?

​

I once told a friend of mine that it was really hard to make a movie so bad that you wanted to kill yourself while watching it. While I still stand by that statement since I'm not suicidal, Birdemic surely could be the exception to that rule for an unbalanced individual. Having seen my fair share of crap over the years, I went into Birdemic with high hopes of seeing some craptastic trash. Well, I definitely got some of that, in fact, more than I bargained for. I wouldn't say it's the worst movie I've ever seen, but it's certainly up there and coming from me, that means a lot. At the same time though, there’s something really odd about the movie, something that makes it strangely enjoyable regardless of its shortcomings. I can’t quite put my finger on it, and I’ll never watch it again to see what it was, but as bad as it was I still found myself enjoying it. Yes, that’s probably because I’m totally insane, but that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone reading this. So if fighting off CGI birds with wire coat hangers, dialogue about your girlfriend taking a shit and playing basketball in a sweater even though its 100 degrees outside are your things, strap yourselves in because this review is for you!

"I'm not sure what's worse, being attacked by birds or having to sit on this bus."
​

From a technical standpoint, I can honestly say I've never seen a movie this bad before. I mean it’s one thing to make a couple of amateur mistakes but this many should confirm the filmmakers status as mental vegetables. I don't even know where to begin but I guess a good starting point is the horrendous sound quality. Seriously, someone had their finger on a mixer and kept turning it up and down as they saw fit, sometimes making it seem like the movie was put on mute! Then there's the editing, which is worse than what my friends and I used to do with two VCR's back in our high school days. Even the locations aren't safe in this film, as the "model" character seems to be doing a photo shoot at a One-Hour Photomat in a strip mall. There are also plenty of hilarious continuity errors, such as one character saying he's going out to lunch with another right after he'd made plans with them for dinner. By the way, this stuff all happens within the first 20 minutes of the movie, so you can just imagine how the rest of it goes. Well, actually, don't bother, just know that it gets worse...much, much worse. In fact, if I was teaching a course on how NOT to make movies, this would surely be the crown jewel of my curriculum. I'm not going to bother mentioning the names of the people involved, because they honestly don't deserve that credit.

"Clearly the only two good things in this movie."
​

However, I am going to mention the names of the actors here, because in all honesty something needs to be done about these people. Honestly, fuck the birds; these idiots are so bad the movie should have been called Actdemic instead. Clearly everyone here is suffering from some sort of disease since it’s the only way to explain how inept they are. Let's start with the male lead, Alan Bagh, who has also been in Birdemic 2 (there's a FUCKING sequel to this shit!?!?) and a movie called Ghost Shark 2 (not sure if there was a first one). Bagh isn't the worst actor of all time, he's actually WORSE than that, stumbling and bumbling over every single line he's given, of which there are unfortunately a lot. Meanwhile, his co-star Whitney Moore could honestly survive on her looks alone since she's really cute but once she starts talking everything goes right out the window. I'm not sure it's possible to take classes in how to suck royally at acting, but if it is then she graduated at the very top. Amazingly enough, she's actually better than Danny Webber, who's big claim to fame is clearly his previous work in a movie called "We Are Croissan'wich". His girlfriend, Mai, is played by a woman named Mona Lisa Moon and outside of having a hilariously awful name, offers nothing in the way of substance other than a decent set of tits. The rest of the movie is pretty much populated solely with the people who fronted the money for it, so I'll let them off the hook since they're probably embarrassed enough about that already.

"At least you won't have to worry about being in the sequel...wait, there's a FUCKING sequel to this shit!?!?"
​

You know what's really crazy though? It's not the filmmaking or the acting that's the worst part here, it's the birds themselves. That's right folks; those vicious little beasties that are supposed to cause all this shock and terror actually end up causing fits of laughter instead. I can’t decide what’s better, the CGI being the absolute worse ever or the sound effects of a dive bomber being used when they attack. Either way, nothing can prepare you for the laughs that you’ll get when they instantly start attacking everything in sight. Clearly the director was influenced by Hitchcock’s “The Birds”, but if he really wanted to pay homage to him he would have given up this project before he started! Another great moment in the film is the sex scene, which seems to take place in a Motel 6 even though it had already been established that Rod had a house! A little bit later on a bunch of people die in perhaps the slowest of slow-motion death scenes ever filmed and somehow manage to lie face up even though they initially fall face down! However, even with all of that going on, nothing and I do mean nothing can top this scene, clearly the bestest everrrzzz….

[video=youtube;LrxZblVUkMU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrxZblVUkMU[/video]
​

If that's not the greatest scene in the history of the universe, then I really don't know what is. Eventually it turns out that global warming is causing the Birdemic in question, which means that Al Gore probably funded a bit of this movie as well. Sadly he doesn't make a cameo since it isn't just a Powerpoint presentation, but at the end of the day it's alright because he probably would have lowered the quality even more with his stupid fear-mongering bullshit. Anyhow, Birdemic is bad, that much is certain, and anyone who can make it through the entire thing deserves a round of applause; kind of like this...

[video=youtube;3nObH1R9ONw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nObH1R9ONw[/video]
​

So there you have it, Birdemic in a nutshell, which is probably where it should be put; a giant-sized one that seals it off from humanity for all eternity. As I said, I didn’t mind it but I’m also not the best person to go to when it comes to shit like this because I’m a sadist and a psychopath. All I’m going to say is, if you aren’t suicidal or taking some seriously weird prescription drugs, you might be able to handle some of it. Actually, scratch that, TAKE some seriously weird prescription drugs BEFORE watching, and it’ll probably turn out to be one of the best experiences of your life. -10/10.

"Tomorrow...finally, The Video Dead."
​

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Birdemic: Shock and Terror)

The Video Dead


​

A crate from an unknown source is delivered to a house in the woods. The homeowner unwisely accepts the delivery, only to discover it contains a TV set that starts spewing giggling zombies all over the place. When a new family moves into the now-abandoned house, the son discovers the haunted television and is soon told what he needs to do to send the zombies back where they belong. Knowing and doing, however, are two very different things, and the zombies are not likely to go quietly.

​

When I was a kid, nothing was cooler than going to the local video store to check out what movies they had. Of course, more than any other genre, the horror ones were the best to find, since they almost always had the most awesome covers. Sure I wasn't old enough to rent them, but damned if I didn't want to check them out all the same. One of those movies that always stuck out from the others was The Video Dead. Not only did it have an absolutely sick bit of cover art, it was even about zombies coming out of your television to kill you. How fucking perfect is that? Unfortunately I was never able to convince my parents to rent it for me so for years I had no idea what The Video Dead was actually like. Well, I’ve finally had the chance to see it, and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best horror movie ever, it was sure as hell worth the wait. When you’ve seen as much cine-trash as I have, it’s always a great day when you come across something like The Video Dead. Not only is it trash, it fucking knows it is and revels in the glory of it at the same time. Honestly, it seems like nobody took themselves seriously on this film at all, and the end result is a hell of an entertaining piece of filth the likes of which few have ever seen…or recovered from.

"It's not only evil, it gives a shitty picture too."
​

Hold on to your hats folks, this one's directed by Ridley Scott! Oh wait, that's an error on the back of the box, it's actually Robert Scott. Never heard of him? How about the man who directed Ratdog!?! Never heard of it? Ok, well he's also done a bunch of episodes of House and Heroes as an AD. That's "assistant director", not "ass dragon", as some people have been known to use those initials for. If you're wondering why I'm rambling on it's because I can't say anything nice about his direction so I'm avoiding the subject. Let's talk about the writing instead, the script here being handled by...Robert Scott. I'll say this, the writing isn't nearly as bad as the direction, but that's because the script is completely insane and temporarily makes you so as well. This psychosis allows dialogue like "you call me boy, I call you cowshit, ok cowshit?" to make perfect sense and the best part is it's free with the movie! That’s just the beginning of the bad dialogue, but honestly it’s a horror movie about zombies coming out of a haunted television, so should we really be that harsh on it? No fucking way dudes, because The Video Dead WANTS to be a bad movie, so there’s no reason to stop it from becoming one.

"They're heeere...."
​

As with many great cine-trash masterpieces, The Video Dead is absolutely full of bad acting performances. For starters, Rocky Duvall, cast as the main male character (and utterer of the “cowshit” line from above) is horrible. Luckily it’s one of those “so bad it’s good” performances, so at the very least you can get a few laughs out of it, which is more than I can say for Victoria Bastel’s work as April. She’s just awful all around, though she does manage this classic line; "I wish we could fast forward 10 years so this could all be a memory"; as if you're ever going to get over your father and maid (who he was sleeping with by the way) being killed by zombies. At least she's hot in a short skirt, so once again there’s at least something salvageable out of her performance. She also manages to scream less than a millisecond after she enters a house (thanks to the magic of bad editing), providing us with yet another excellent moment of trash. Roxanna Augesen, who is very nice to look at, would actually be the best performer in the whole movie if not for the zombies, the table lamp, the television set and the garbage man. This garbage man is played by Cliff Watts and he’s amazing, so much so that it really sucks that he’s only in the movie for one minute and never explains his purpose for being there. Ahh, cine-trash, how I love you so!

"See what staying out in the sun too long can do to your skin?"
​

Before we get to the zombies, I’d quickly like to point out the fact that the first victim in this movie is wearing normal clothes when killed, but later discovered wearing party clothes…clearly a sign of things to come! I actually think the zombies were really into partying given their penchant for wild costumes and practical jokes here. Thankfully, considering the movie is named after them, I was really happy to see the video dead rendered properly. The makeup is a little bit caked on at times, but they do end up looking pretty damn awesome. These zombies also seem to have a sense of humour, almost relishing in their role as antagonists. Several times, they come across more like a hybrid of Spielberg's Gremlins and Romero's Dead, a combination that I feel works well. There's also a great scene where a zombie (wearing a pink bathrobe) runs amok with a chainsaw, chasing Jeff, and you really want it to catch up and kill him! These zombies are the slow variety too, and they’re even slow in the way they kill people. In fact, one chokes a woman for quite a length of time, probably the longest I’ve ever seen in a horror film. They’re also into some laughs with their murder, as the scene below shows…

"This would probably be fun if you weren't dead."
​

Yep, that’s right; the zombies actually put a person in the washing machine and then laugh their asses off while the body spins around. They’re also pretty partial to the sound of a blender and take some time laughing at that as well! This is pretty much par for the course for the remainder of the film, as they and everyone else seems to be on comic overdrive. This actually serves to make The Video Dead a lot more memorable than some of the other zombie-themed horror films released around the same time; it knows how to have fun with itself.

"All this because you said that dress was too expensive."
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In retrospect, I didn’t just like The Video Dead; I LOVED every single moment of it, from the party clothes at the beginning to the outrageously bad conclusion. I think when a filmmaker and his crew are working extra hard to make a movie bad, congratulation should be given to them when they succeed. Such is the case with The Video Dead, an exercise in cine-trash the likes of which may never be topped again. If you have a chance to check it out, please do so, there’s no way you can be disappointed if you remember not to take it seriously. Sometimes we need a laugh with our scares, and The Video Dead may just be one of the finest examples out there of that very thing. 7/10.

"Coming up on Monday...he wasn't always Aragorn."
​

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. The Video Dead)

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III


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A couple who are at a rocky point in their relationship are travelling through Texas and stop at the Last Chance Gas Station. There they meet a pervert named Alfredo and a hitchhiker named Tex, who eventually get into an altercation which causes the couple to speed away. Soon they realize they're being pursued by a large truck and a man with a chainsaw, and the chase of their lives is on.

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Tobe Hooper’s original 1974 film, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, was a bona fide classic and a very influential horror piece, while his follow-up, 1986’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre II was a hilarious spoof of the original. After two such differing films, it was hard to imagine what was next in store for the franchise featuring everyone’s favourite flesh-mask wearing, chainsaw-toting man-beast, Leatherface. After four years of waiting, the third chapter in the series, Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released and that question was quickly answered; it was an early attempt at a reboot. Losing a lot of the sardonic wit that Hooper brought to the second one and focusing more on the horrific elements of forcible confinement at the hands of a psychopathic family, the film sought to be a more brutally honest representation of that first, seminal picture. Unfortunately it doesn’t quite live up to those lofty expectations as it suffers from some poor pacing and improper techniques, but it’s still an entertaining affair that fans of the series should be able to get behind. It also features a strong bit of development in the main character and almost appears to be setting her up for a sequel, one which sadly never materialized. The bottom line here is that once again the Sawyer family proves that they’re an intriguing, if somewhat demented, bunch and if you can buy into them, they’re hard to turn away from.

"Goddamn right it is."
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Directed by Jeff Burr (Puppet Master 4 and 5) and written by David J. Schow (The Crow, Critters 3 and 4), the film certainly seems, at least on the surface, to be an attempt at “rebooting” the series, something that was relatively new at the time. I’m not really sure why the filmmakers and producers felt this was the way to go, but I suppose it could have been worse (Leatherface in Space anyone?). Considering I just spent two reviews pointing out how awful Burr’s direction had been I was worried that my previous memories of this film had been wrong and that it too would suck. Luckily I was wrong and am now more convinced than ever that Burr sold his soul to the devil to make this one work as well as it does. He has a tendency to slow things down a little too much at times, but the creepy performances and interesting scenarios more than make up for it. Meanwhile, Schow’s script is actually quite strong considering the subject matter, and he really seems to understand these blood-thirsty madmen (and women) that he’s creating. While the basis for the characters exists in the original Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel screenplay, Schow’s more than capable of making them his own while still allowing them to play within the confines of their original personalities. He also writes Leatherface as more of a man-child than the previous films had, something that I think works quite well in the context of this film.

"Can you show me the way to Mordor?"
​

While acting isn’t always a top priority for horror films, it has always seemed to be more important to the Texas Chainsaw franchise. Clearly a dude chopping the hell out of people with a chainsaw can only carry a film so far, which is the main reason why an emphasis on strong performances was certainly in place here. For starters, the main character and heroine of the film, Michelle, is played with a great sense of reserve by Kate Hodge. This reserve eventually gives way to full on terror before she slaps some sense into herself and just goes crazy in an attempt to both deal with and rectify her current situation. The other standouts here are a young Viggo Mortensen as Tex and Joe Unger as Tinker. Their banter back at the house is matched only by their introductory scenes and both are at the top of their game. It’s honestly not hard to believe that Mortensen was headed for fame considering how much he brought to the table in a simple horror film. Speaking of horror films, fans of Dawn of the Dead will be happy to see Ken Foree in a pretty meaty role that he does a great job with, while previous Friday the 13th Part VII alums William Butler and Jennifer Banko both make appearances playing Michelle’s boyfriend and Leatherface’s daughter respectively. I really liked Banko’s small but crucial role, and thought that she did a good job with the character even though it seemed to come across as a bit of a riff on Rhoda from The Bad Seed.

"Dawn of the Dead is that-a-way."
​

Leatherface is pretty much a tale of two movies, one the first half that sets up the coming atrocities and two, those atrocities in all their celluloid glory. To be fair, the first half will always pale in comparison to the second in this case, since set-up almost always seems boring to people who are just waiting in anticipation for the blood-letting to begin. While that rule holds true here, I didn’t mind the first half of the film simply because the majority of the performers (as mentioned above) did their jobs well. Of course, this entire half is quickly forgotten once Michelle ends up in the house, which is also about the time things really start to get good. While I’m by no means a fan of sadism or torture scenes, I found this area of the film to be quite compelling and certainly better than expected. Michelle’s agonized screams while Tex nails her hands to a chair are hard to take, and it doesn’t get much better from there. Before it’s all over we’re treated to one nasty moment after another, including an ingenious (if somewhat disgusting) sledgehammer sequence and a scene where a man’s ear is shot off and burns on a hot stove. As I mentioned earlier, the other compelling thing here is the development of the Michelle character and by the end of the film you can’t help but cheer for her as she takes on both Leatherface and Alfredo. I particularly enjoyed the scene where she constantly bashes poor Leatherface over the skull with a rock, something the timid Michelle couldn’t even do to an armadillo earlier in the film. Its character development like this, along with some real nastiness and some great performances, that allows Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III to rise above its short-comings and earn a rightful place in the Sawyer family album.

"A pretty hardcore way to cut a roast."
​

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III was shot on a budget of $2 million and grossed close to $6 million at the box office and on home video, respectable numbers but not enough to preserve the franchise at the time. It also suffered from some horrendous edits to avoid the dreaded X-rating (the last film to be tagged with it prior to the introduction of NC-17). I’ve actually never seen the cut version, but I honestly felt the uncut one wasn’t too brutal, so I’m not really sure why it needed to be edited so heavily in the first place. Anyhow, it’s a good but not great movie and a worthy addition to the TCM franchise that I think any Leatherface fans will appreciate. After all, it’s got his goddamn name in the title people, so go check it out and see if the saw really is family. 6.5/10.

"Tomorrow...so passes the glory of Lesbos."
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[Wangman Page]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III)

A great film. I need to look back I think I missed a few reviews or something. *kicks self in ass* I always enjoyed these films and loved the love they get from other films:


[video=youtube;-5Pku48YPFo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Pku48YPFo[/video]


Great review Fuji

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III)

LOL, thanks buddy, Chainsaw and Dave are the best.

 

[Fuji Vice]

Re: The Wing Kong Exchange (feat. Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III)

Tenebre


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Peter Neal, a successful American horror novelist, travels from New York to Rome to promote his new best-seller Tenebre. As soon as he arrives, a murder occurs and Detective Germani is assigned to the case. He meets Peter and tells that the killer was inspired by his novel to commit the crime. After more murders are committed, Neal and Germani band together to find this vicious killer before they can complete their evil masterpiece.

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Tenebre, meaning “darkness” in Italian, is one of Dario Argento’s masterpieces and perhaps his most accessible film. While he’s well known for some of his more surreal works like Suspiria or Inferno, he’s also an excellent giallo director in his own right and one of the fathers of that particular genre. Since a lot of those films have a tendency to be a little out there in terms of logic and plot, it goes without saying that one which is easy to follow is a rare gem indeed. Such is the case with Tenebre, an exercise in violence and mayhem that has a cohesive and smart story, all glued together by a true master of cinema. Years ago, it was the first Argento film I had the chance to watch, and it quickly inspired me to seek out all the rest of his works. I’ll always remember it for that, but also for the fact that it is quite simply a stunning achievement from a man who could seemingly do no wrong around this time period. Holding within it all the elements of Argento’s trademark style, it can be seen as a template by which to follow the rest of his films, another reason why I consider it so accessible. Above all else, it’s just a really cool horror/mystery that packs a serious punch and leaves you breathless by its conclusion.

"She just found the part in the script where she dies."
​

Dario Argento wrote and directed the film, as he did with many of his works, and he shows a remarkable restraint when compared to some of those other ones. In particular, I find his script work here to be excellent, really weaving a story with multiple angles into one hell of a finished product. A lot of giallo films tend to fall off their wheels quickly (see my previous review of Body Puzzle for more on that) but this one maintains its torrid pace throughout. The writing is obviously a major reason why, it’s simply too good to allow itself to fail. Of all the films he’s written, I’d put Tenebre at or near the top of the list if only for how coherent it all ends up being. Meanwhile, his direction here is typically superb and as usual he’s all over the place with creative shots and blocking. Rather than rely on standard, run-of-the-mill techniques, Argento seems hell bent on challenging himself to do just that little bit more with everything. Luckily almost all of it works, and even the things that don’t are barely noticeable due to slick editing. There’s also one sequence in this film that simply has to be seen to be appreciated and so I’ve included it just below for your viewing pleasure…

[video=youtube;VcrLD94jc88]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcrLD94jc88[/video]
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Now that’s what I call a tracking shot, hands down one of the absolute best I’ve ever seen. From an acting standpoint, I wouldn’t say anyone here really sets the world on fire, but they’re all more than capable of turning in solid performances. Anthony Franciosa, perhaps best known for his role in Elia Kazan’s “A Face in the Crowd”, is cast as Peter and bring a large amount of his experience to the character. It’s not really overt, but he does a lot of little things that make you question his motives and actions, something that ends up being important later on. Apparently Argento had some serious problems with him while shooting the film, so I’m even more impressed that his performance turned out as well as it did. Giuliano Gemma, who plays Detective Germani, is also pretty good and works quite well in his scenes with Franciosa. Nightmare on Elm Street fans will be happy to see John Saxon in a role as Franciosa’s agent, and while he doesn’t have a whole lot to do his presence is welcome in the film. If there’s one complaint I have about the acting, it’s the female players, as they don’t tend to be that memorable. The only one that is a standout is Daria Nicolodi, which should come as no surprise to Argento fans considering she was in every one of his films and probably his muse as well. Then again, this is a giallo so most of the women are really just there to be slashed, hacked and menaced by dogs, among several other things. It’s not sexism or misogyny; it’s just a movie.

"Thank God there's no gum stuck to that heel or this would be gross."
​

Right from the beginning we know what we’re in for as one of those women gets her throat slashed with a razor while the unseen, black gloved killer shoves pages of Neal’s latest novel into her mouth. Argento often feels the need to keep the audience feeling uncomfortable about the things occurring in his films, and he certainly doesn’t let up after the shocking beginning. Before things are over we’ve seen the above moment where two lesbians are brutally murdered, a man getting repeatedly kicked in the balls and also having a stiletto heel shoved into his mouth, another woman chopped to bits with an axe and finally another man being killed by a sculpture! Yep, death by sculpture would be outrageous in almost any other context, but for some reason it works because it’s Argento doing it. The music, by the trio of Massimo Morante, Fabio Pignatelli and Claudio Simonetti, better known as some of the members of Goblin, is another strong point of the film and very impressive in its own right. In fact, music is almost always a real highlight of Argento’s films (as we’ll see with the next two reviews) and here it is no different, becoming almost another character in the story and complimenting it perfectly. If I had to recommend one Argento film to a novice, this would easily be the one, as it has all the things that make his works great while being easy enough to understand.

"And you thought last night's hangover was bad!"
​

Certainly one of the better examples of the giallo genre, Tenebre’s got a lot to love provided you can handle the multitude of grotesque acts occurring within it. As with most Italian horror films, there’s no real box office information available, but it has developed a large cult following over the years and is regarded as one of Argento’s best works. I definitely agree with that and thoroughly enjoyed the re-watch this time around so I’m going to go 7.5/10 and take this dirty shoe out of my mouth.

"Next time...witches."
​

 

[Wangman Page]

I have not heard of this film but after reading Fuji's glowing review I will have to find it. I just hope I don't get a high heel in my face.

Sent From My Awesome EVO 3-D.