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Hello WS faithful and welcome to the inaugural edition of “The Hoov Is Cookin'”. Now, I used to write columns regularly on other forums I've been associated with in the past but I haven't officially written one in a long while so I figured, since I have a lot of free time on my hands this week, that I'll try my hand at reviewing something I watch week-in and week-out really just out of habit: WWE Monday Night RAW. You see, no matter how bad the show is, like an Alzheimer's patient I continue to tune in to the USA Network every Monday night to willingly suffer so, allow me to share my suffering with you all. So, without further adieu, here is my review of WWE Monday Night RAW: the June 4th 2012 edition.
So, we start the show off with Michael Cole.
[video=youtube;XhI0OVs_zj0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhI0OVs_zj0[/video]
Michael Cole decides to use this opportunity to remind everyone that we desperately need Jim Ross back on television as he brings out Mr. Fruity Pebbles himself John Cena. Cole, or as I like to call him Michael Troll, explains to Cena that Big Show has taken out Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Brodus Clay, Alex Riley, Santino Marella and Zack Ryder because....you know....Cena doesn't watch the show or anything. Cole goes on to mention how Show feels betrayed by Cena and the WWE Universe which allows Cena a chance to retort.
[video=youtube;XF4KWyF2Cbk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XF4KWyF2Cbk&feature=related[/video]
No, he doesn't say that. What is this, 1998? No, he does his usual schtick of course. Cena explains that he had a plan to get rid of Big Johnny and get a new GM to hire back Big Show but instead, Big Show screwed over the entire locker room. Cole says it was easy for Cena to say that because it wasn't him who was fired. I just have to point out quickly that I was under the impression Cole wasn't supposed to be so blatantly heel anymore but he is just ripping into Cena calling him every word in the book, even the big “O” word.
No, not this Big O
Cole says what we're all thinking and calls Cena “overrated” which angers Cena but Cole reminds him that he can't lay a finger on an announcer. This brings out Mr. Personality himself John Laryngitis on his rascal.
[video=youtube;bsftph3zzXc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsftph3zzXc[/video]
Johnny is feeling generous and says Cena can pick an opponent of his choosing but says Big Show is not in the building and he himself is retired from in-ring competition. Cena, being the crafty one, decides to bring Christmas early this year and chooses his opponent: Michael Cole. Cole pleads with the Dynamic Dude but he just rolls on out.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
We come back to a cut scene of Cole begging Big Johnny not to let the match happens but, because of that darn People Power, it's gonna happen. First match of the night is Sheamus taking on Dolph Ziggler. Now, I'm not going to go hold-by-hold because we'd be here all night but I will say it was an average match. Not awful but nothing spectacular. Sheamus picks up the victory as expected. After the match, Albert of the River attacks along with his Mexican boy wonder. He puts Sheamus in the cross armbreaker on the side of the stage.
[video=youtube;24Vlt-lpVOY]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24Vlt-lpVOY[/video]
Next we get a segment with Mr. Jennifer Hudson and Johnny Ace speaking backstage. Otunga informs him that next week, Mr. McMahon will be back on next week's 3-hour RAW.....and he's going to give him a job evaluation.
Face it, you'd be more excited if THIS McMahon returned to RAW
Next match-up we have Sin Cara vs. Hunico. A decent match. Hunico works well with Cara. It was basically a squash match so not that spectacular but a few cool spots. Overall, not too bad. Next up, we have Goldberg....er I mean Ryback.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK*
We come back from break and two jobbers are in the ring cutting a dual poetry-promo type thing. Ryback comes out and completely dominates these two schlubs.
[video=youtube;fLrpBLDWyCI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLrpBLDWyCI&feature=related[/video]
Up next is CM Punk vs. Kane. Punk is out first and out second is.....Daniel Bryan. Umm....excuse me for one second....
[video=youtube;4WGHeQw49ws]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WGHeQw49ws[/video]
He comes out and cuts the usual D-Bry promo before, as JR would say, “THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, BAH GAWD HERE COMES KANE!” Like I said, won't analyze hold for hold but I will say Punk can put on a good match with just about anyone. Halfway through the match, Daniel Bryan gets in a few cheap shots in on Punk and then plays it off by sitting back in his chair stroking his beard as Punk wonders where those kicks came from.
[video=youtube;XFldSKSCTkk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFldSKSCTkk&feature=related[/video]
Near the end of the match, AJ makes her way down to ringside and causes some calamity, allowing The Big Red Machine to score the pinfall. Afterwards, Kane eyes up AJ.....and AJ eyes up Kane. For being a “freak” so to speak, he's had some hotties over the years. Terri, Lita, Tori...
Ok, 2 out of 3 isn't bad.....
After the break, Josh Mathews catches up to AJ to ask her.....pretty much what The Hurricane would ask her: “WASSUPWITDAT?” Instead, AJ shows us her best Eve impression and goes full on HASHTAG HOESKI on him. Seriously, WTF? Next up we have R-Boom vs. Reks and Hawkins. Wait a second.....Curt Hawkins was on RAW and Zack Ryder wasn't?
Anyways, average back and forth match with the Tag Champs picking up the victory. Nothing special really. Next is Cole vs. Cena but, out comes Johnny boy to deliver us some bad news. Cena only gets his match with Cole if he can defeat this man. Immediately, my heart sank as out steps Albert....er I mean Tensai. My immediate reaction went something like this:
[video=youtube;umDr0mPuyQc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc&feature=related[/video]
Well, match starts and my skin begins to crawl and I begin to cringe. Ok, honestly it wasn't that bad but it wasn't particularly good either. Cena wins and Cole has to face the piper.
Settle down, Hot Rod. Not that Piper. I'll give you some more bubble gum.
Cole tries to beg and squeal but to no avail. Cole is humiliated by Cena in a manner like Big Johnny was at Over The Limit. He rips Cole's clothes off (could have gone without seeing that) and makes him apologize to The King for saying he humiliated him at WrestleMania 27 and makes him apologize to JR for driving him off of RAW. Hate to break it to you, John, but I think you need to have Vince apologize to JR for that. Speaking of JR, Cena mentions his BBQ sauce and, just so happens, Jerry Lawler has a few bottle because, you never know. Cena covers Cole in BBQ sauce. What a waste of some epic BBQ sauce. Just as Cena is about to put him out of his misery, Albert....er I mean Tensai shows up and drops Cena. Looks like Cole is going to win.
[video=youtube;aaA7vuFTWwU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaA7vuFTWwU[/video]
Cole tries to take advantage but Cena kicks out. Cena then hulks up and hits the AA for the win. We then end the show with Cena spraying Cole with a fire extinguisher that barely has anything in it.
FINAL VERDICT: RAW was meh. Not bad but not good. Hopefully next week will be much better. Usually, 3-hour RAWs at least are decent.
If you guys enjoyed this, I'll come back next week for the 3-hour RAW featuring the return of VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON! Until then, I'm The Hoov and you just smelled what “The Hoov Is Cookin'”!
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