Hello everybody, and welcome to another edition of Sal Talks About Wrestling People. As I always do, I humbly ask for comments, likes, and/or dislikes. Like me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, leave a recommendation on LinkedIn, buy my used books on Amazon, etc. I see I'm the third guy to get up my opinion of Rock's promo on the reviews page. Don't worry, my opinion's totally different and fresh just kidding I pretty much hated the promo too.
Now, it's that time. It's time to talk about the Wrestling People. And.......go!
CM Punk: This is how much of a nerd I am. Punk started making fun of Jericho's "I invented everything good ever" shtick, and the first thing I thought was OMG I MADE FUN OF IT THE SAME WAY, PUNK AND I ARE SO ALIKE, I BET WE'D BE BESTIES IN REAL LIFE. Yes, he tripped over himself a few times during the opening promo, but it's the substance of what he said that mattered. He talked about the past, but he wasn't stuck in the past. He was funny, but he didn't let comedy overwhelm the substance of his promo. Better than anyone else, Punk knows how to use the available material and keep it interesting.
Oh, and he can wrestle too!
Chris Jericho: The first thing I thought when they started the promo was, "man, this is a pretty weak justification for a storyline." But the more I think about it, the more I like it. Nowadays, there are only three reasons for two guys to fight each other:
1. Someone told me to
2. I don't like this guy
3. I want to win a title
Those are the basics, and they're really all you need to book a good show. But it's nice when they add a little onto that, even when it's as silly as "I'm defending my nickname." Booker T vs. Edge was a decent little feud 10 years ago, but how many people would remember their match unless I called it the "shampoo commercial" match? A lesser known example: Hogan/Andre happened because Andre was upset that Hogan got a bigger trophy than he did. It's little things that can break up the monotony of our wrestling show.
Jericho's "I hate everything" face when someone else is talking? Holy shit, that's tremendous. He puts the look on his face before Punk even says anything. He's not upset about what Punk's saying, He's upset that someone's talking and it isn't him. I don't have screencaps, but enjoy a loosely-related photo:
It's the little touches sometimes. Jericho rarely misses a mark.
Everything Punk said about Jericho never being THE GUY was true, but that doesn't mean it's fair. One thing I liked was that both of them made references to the generation gap between them. There's no way Vince approved that, right? Nobody should be implying that they wrestled back when HHH and Undertaker wrestled, because THEY'RE THE LAST OF A DYING BREED RIGHT?
(It's really hard not to be snarky about HHH/Taker)
Daniel Bryan: Like I said, it's the little things (or better yet, the Little Things) that make a good gimmick great. Daniel Bryan needs more Little Things. Being obnoxious will get you heat, but when your character is "guy who cheats and goes YESSSSSSSSSS" I question putting you in a Wrestlemania main-event.
A.J.: She's the hottest 13-year-old girl in the history of everything, right? She needs to be the Mena Suvari character in American Beauty 2 or something.
I have more jokes here, but let's just move on.
John Laurinaitis: It makes me sad when Big Johnny acts like any other wrestling character. The last two shows, he's gotten angry at Teddy Long and done the "I'm so mad I could fight you wait let me take my jacket off" thing. I need Laurinaitis to be my absurdist escape from the sameness. No more getting angry, John. Let David Otunga get angry for you. Please just go back to smiling, sending text messages, and critiquing the Oscars. I want to, like, go apple-picking with this guy.
David Otunga: True to the whole "IWC LOVES HEELS" thing, when he turns face down the line, he's going to do it by ditching the sweater and thermos.
AND THEN I WILL NEVER LOVE HIM AGAIN
Santino Marella and Teddy Long: Hey, they were there too!
Josh Matthews: I had my TV on mute for the 30 seconds or so he was on screen. I assume he said something groundbreaking. After all, he was standing in front of a closet with a sign that said "Training Room."
EDIT: I've since learned that Josh said something about Punk being more angry than hurt. Okay!
The Hypemen for HHH/Taker: I counted Big Show, Steve Austin, Miz, CM Punk, Edge, Randy Orton, John Cena, and The Rock all on screen talking about the HHH/Taker match from last year's Wrestlemania. The whole point of wrestling-as-storytelling is that nobody has to tell us what the men in the ring are thinking and feeling. I really disliked the "tell, not show" method of promotion last year. I'm going to HATE IT WITH LOTS OF CAPS LOCK if they do this for another 5 weeks. To me, it's one thing to give so much time to two guys who won't benefit going forward. It's another much worse thing to have your whole roster put over the idea that these two guys might as well be gods and they'll be gone soon and then everything will suck SO PAY $199 THIS MONTH FOR THE LAST BEST SHOW EVER UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
But wait...
Next Week: Shawn Michaels: Oh god this is going to turn into HBK/HHH dick swinging. You know what, they were kind to me and kept this storyline to a minimum, so I'll keep my words to a minimum. But I'll just say this: all HHH has to do is turn heel and I'll strongly reconsider hating this storyline.
Hell in a Cell: Okay, I can't do it. I have to say more. I have to say why I think the HHH/Taker match doesn't warrant Hell in a Cell. A substantial portion of the internet reaction last week resembled this: "I wasn't looking forward to this match, but now I am!"
That just doesn't add up to me. A cell match isn't a cage match, where the cage lines the ring, or a ladder match, where you have to take risks by definition. The Hell in a Cell match is one where the competitors could conceivably stay in the ring and wrestle a normal match if they wanted. It's the reason why we all hate the idea of a gimmick HIAC PPV (we all hate that, right?). The match should only take place between men who WANT to hurt each other. Undertaker wants redemption. HHH wants, well, I don't know what he wants, but a week ago he didn't want to face Undertaker at all. They'll go outside and throw each other into the cell. Taker will do Snake Eyes into the cell wall, and maybe HHH will hit a spinebuster into the wall. But to me, it all reeks of going through the motions. This match isn't about HHH and Taker hating each other. What's going on is the idea that the Undertaker Wrestlemania match HAS TO GET BIGGER EVERY YEAR. There was sound logic behind it at first. Taker was wasted in an opener against Big Show and A-Train in 2003. He was wasted against Mark Henry in a casket match in 2006. After that:
2007 : World title match against Batista
2008 : World title match against Edge
2009 : vs HBK (no significance by itself, but they loaded it with false finishes for a reason)
2010 : vs HBK, career on the line
2011 : vs HHH (again, no significance by itself, and they hide it by having Taker kick out of everything HHH could possibly do)
Now in 2012, there's a perceived need to make it bigger, and I think it's a waste of time and resources. You mean to tell me there would be a riot if the match was Taker/Ziggler? Yeah, Ziggler seems out of place with the last few guys Taker has fought, but that's the point. Randy Orton is where he is in part because of his match with Undertaker at Wrestlemania. The only way to make a mid-carder into a main-eventer is to commit to him and give him a chance. Would a match with Ziggler be a "waste" like Taker/Henry was? Maybe, but at this point Taker is best used giving someone else the shine. Put a guy like Ziggler alongside the names that Taker's been facing at Wrestlemania, and Ziggler becomes a star even if he loses in 15 minutes. Additional bonus: no 5-minute promos where Kofi Kingston looks back fondly on his 400 matches with Ziggler.
Kelly Kelly
That one Bella who isn't the other Bella
While I'm dubious about HHH/Taker's "we're the last of a dying breed, things were better back in the day" gimmick, wouldn't something like that work perfectly for the divas? WWE doesn't care about the women's division now anyway. Look at the divas on the roster right now and name one who can put on a better match than any of the following: Trish, Victoria, Molly, Lita. All I'm saying is SIX-WAY DIVAS HELL IN A CELL AT WRESTLEMANIA. I would strongly consider paying for that.
I do have to give Kelly credit for stopping the Bellas from switching for the first time since that magician guy gave Nikki a fake tattoo.
Jerry Lawler: After Kelly gets the win, Lawler takes a long pause saying nothing. Kelly is outside the ring, and we can see him in the background. Finally, he gets something out: "Very good!" Sadly, he was out of gold stars.
John Cena: The crowd tonight was like 56/44 Cena. What critical people like me look for is the 56 or the 44. What we often ignore is that they add up to 100. Some people like him, some people hate him, lots of people pretend to hate him because it's fun, but everybody cares about him. He has the enthusiasm of the youngest, most earnest fans, and it's the kind of thing that trickles down to the adults who otherwise might not care. Turn Cena heel? No, this is too much fun.
Miz: During the fist segment, Punk and Jericho did the right kind of shooting. They talked about things we still aren't totally comfortable hearing from wrestlers during the wrestling show. But they didn't go so far as to distract from their feud. They used what was available to them to ramp up their feud. Miz, on the other hand...mentioning "phoners" doesn't get you anywhere. Using insider terms for the sake of doing it is meaningless. He can do a lot better than that promo. Hopefully the speech he gives where he petitions to bring back Money in the Bank will go better.
Dolph Ziggler: Some heels refer to the audience "you people" and call them all stupid. Some heels are very broadly obnoxious. Dolph Ziggler has a pink t-shirt and walks down the ramp making fun of the fans' signs. He sees someone with a "Wrestlemania should come to Vancouver" sign and says, "Why?" Then he possibly sets a record during this match for Bumps Per Minute. Dolph is my favorite.
Vickie Guerrero: Honestly? I've got nothing. I think she's great, but Dolph doesn't need her. Vickie and Swagger is a great combination, and he's a guy who actually needs a manager.
Rosa Mendes: Primo and Epico should really be called "The Guys Who Walk Around With Rosa Mendes," because that's pretty much all they are.
Awkward monkey flip bumps: Yeeeeeeeeesh.
A match that actually matters and doesn't solely exist to advance a storyline on Raw: I LIKE!
Jack Swagger: In the beginning of the match, he pretty much clears the ring by Swagger Slamming everybody. Then he takes Kofi Kingston and awkwardly dumps both Kofi and HIMSELF over the top rope. I know the TV show affects match structure, but there's no need to be that freaking blatant about going to a commercial. BECAUSE WE CAN'T WATCH ANDRE 3000 SHAVING UNLESS EVERYONE'S OUTTA THE RING. I guess that counts as psychology?
KANE: KANE. He embraces hate. He doesn't embrace thrown-together tag matches.
What does it say about this poor guy that first they use him to put Cena over in advance of the biggest match since the last really big match, and now they're going to stick him back in the tag team ranks?
Eve Torres: Last week, Eve was told she had to make it seem like she'd been a bitchy slutwhore all along in order to retroactively justify the Cena/Ryder/Kane angle.
Wait, I was told to be less snarky. Let me try again.
Last week, Eve revealed that she was using Zack Ryder all along to get to John Cena. We knew that. So why, during the Wrestlemania build, are they showing us a video recap of the thing that happened last week? Eve came out and hammered the point home well enough that anybody would've understood it. This video recap played out like Inception:
We watched a video recap
of John Cena live recapping
what Eve said three minutes prior
which recapped two months of storyline
WE NEED TO GO DEEPER.
Eve: But I'll say this much. I was ready to blast this into the sun. But Eve was actually pretty good last night. She was believable, and she established a character. Yes, it's a character that's been done a million times before, but it's more character development than the rest of the divas have combined. Every other diva fits in one of three categories:
1. I smile and kick people
2. I make angry faces and kick people
3. I fart
But Eve started something that might actually turn into a thing. What's most important is that she took back control over the angle. She's not just a diseased slut who cries when she doesn't get her way. She's a bitch, yes, but she knows how to get her way. She might just actually maybe turn this into something interesting! I'm a little optimistic!
Kelly Kelly again: She now exists solely to make Eve come off like Meryl Streep or something.
WELL HELL, at least the divas stuff is out of the way. Time for the real entertain-
Michael Cole: Here's a trailer from the new WWE movie!!!
WHY
Edge: He's got Lucille Bluth and Randy from Scream in his movie, which makes this by far the best cast in a WWE movie, which is sad but almost a little cool.
Big Show: Sad news to report. As he came down the ramp high-fiving fans, 14 people broke their arms. It's probably Wade Barrett's fault.
Cody Rhodes: The "Big Show's an embarrassment" thing is pretty awesome, but why do I get the bad feeling that it's going to result in Big Show getting a nice Wrestlemania moment at Cody's expense? And why do I have the BAD feeling that Show's going to win the IC title? There's just no reason to waste that spot on him. Surely there are a lot of guys who could stand to hugely benefit from beating Cody for that beautiful IC title. Guys like-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mark Henry: I know he's hurt, but can't you let him kick Sheamus around for like 30 seconds? There was more time for Edge's movie, for Kelly's facial non-reaction, than there was for Mark Henry's offense. Inexplicable.
Sheamus: OH MY GOD GUYS. WE HAVE A SMART POPULAR BABYFACE IN THE MAKING.
Big Show got distracted by Cody Rhodes leaving the ring. This is the classic formula: Mark Henry's gonna get up and sneak-attack him. But instead, Sheamus is actually paying attention, and he tags himself in to give Henry the Bro Kick. Logic makes me happy.
The Rock: The Rock doesn't come out until about 10:50 or so. That's my first "thumbs up" for him. For me, it was a matter of how much time Rock was going to take to sell a match that didn't need to be sold. Everybody knew Rock was going to spend a lot of time talking about very little, and I'm glad they used the overrun to do it.
For all the work that's gone into the Taker/HHH storyline, they don't seem to have a clue what they want to do with Rock/Cena. The truth is, they don't have to do anything. Rock and Cena could literally sit down and eat cereal together every Monday night and their match would still sell like crazy. But I'm still entitled to expect and demand something good.
Rock and Cena are two funny guys. They both have loads of charisma and they know how to keep the crowd's attention. Say what you will about the boos Cena's been getting. The Rock got those same boos in 2002. But the point remains, they are both funny, and the stakes for this match aren't really that high. This movie's going to be a comedy. But the issue is: what kind of comedy?
It could be a movie like, for example, The Hangover. Ridiculous things happen, and the characters say funny things, but what makes a movie like that work is a good story that drives the action. Or you could have something like one of the Larry the Cable Guy movies, where everything is designed to set up the next pun or the next kick in the nuts.
This episode of Raw, we had Rocky the Cable Guy.
"Kung Pow Bitch" doesn't mean anything and it doesn't contribute a thing to the feud. This feud should be something more than a battle to see how many ways you can call someone gay. There is a story here: one era vs. another, one definition of loyalty vs. another. I'll allow The Rock this week to get all the funny names and sing-song chants out of his system. But if he claims to be back, he needs to help sell what this match stands for. The people (sorry, THE PEOPLE) love him and will repeat anything he says. That doesn't mean "John Cena doesn't have a dick LOL" is any good. Rock got the last word on Monday, but Cena gets the last word tonight.
John Cena: Comes out, comments on Rock's material, comments on Rock's notes on his wrist, tells him he doesn't like him and he's going to kick the shit out of him, leaves.
KEEP DOING THAT.
Wait, nevermind, none of that's going to trend on twitter.
#idontunderstandtwitter
Now, it's that time. It's time to talk about the Wrestling People. And.......go!
CM Punk: This is how much of a nerd I am. Punk started making fun of Jericho's "I invented everything good ever" shtick, and the first thing I thought was OMG I MADE FUN OF IT THE SAME WAY, PUNK AND I ARE SO ALIKE, I BET WE'D BE BESTIES IN REAL LIFE. Yes, he tripped over himself a few times during the opening promo, but it's the substance of what he said that mattered. He talked about the past, but he wasn't stuck in the past. He was funny, but he didn't let comedy overwhelm the substance of his promo. Better than anyone else, Punk knows how to use the available material and keep it interesting.
Oh, and he can wrestle too!
Chris Jericho: The first thing I thought when they started the promo was, "man, this is a pretty weak justification for a storyline." But the more I think about it, the more I like it. Nowadays, there are only three reasons for two guys to fight each other:
1. Someone told me to
2. I don't like this guy
3. I want to win a title
Those are the basics, and they're really all you need to book a good show. But it's nice when they add a little onto that, even when it's as silly as "I'm defending my nickname." Booker T vs. Edge was a decent little feud 10 years ago, but how many people would remember their match unless I called it the "shampoo commercial" match? A lesser known example: Hogan/Andre happened because Andre was upset that Hogan got a bigger trophy than he did. It's little things that can break up the monotony of our wrestling show.
Jericho's "I hate everything" face when someone else is talking? Holy shit, that's tremendous. He puts the look on his face before Punk even says anything. He's not upset about what Punk's saying, He's upset that someone's talking and it isn't him. I don't have screencaps, but enjoy a loosely-related photo:
It's the little touches sometimes. Jericho rarely misses a mark.
Everything Punk said about Jericho never being THE GUY was true, but that doesn't mean it's fair. One thing I liked was that both of them made references to the generation gap between them. There's no way Vince approved that, right? Nobody should be implying that they wrestled back when HHH and Undertaker wrestled, because THEY'RE THE LAST OF A DYING BREED RIGHT?
(It's really hard not to be snarky about HHH/Taker)
Daniel Bryan: Like I said, it's the little things (or better yet, the Little Things) that make a good gimmick great. Daniel Bryan needs more Little Things. Being obnoxious will get you heat, but when your character is "guy who cheats and goes YESSSSSSSSSS" I question putting you in a Wrestlemania main-event.
A.J.: She's the hottest 13-year-old girl in the history of everything, right? She needs to be the Mena Suvari character in American Beauty 2 or something.
I have more jokes here, but let's just move on.
John Laurinaitis: It makes me sad when Big Johnny acts like any other wrestling character. The last two shows, he's gotten angry at Teddy Long and done the "I'm so mad I could fight you wait let me take my jacket off" thing. I need Laurinaitis to be my absurdist escape from the sameness. No more getting angry, John. Let David Otunga get angry for you. Please just go back to smiling, sending text messages, and critiquing the Oscars. I want to, like, go apple-picking with this guy.
David Otunga: True to the whole "IWC LOVES HEELS" thing, when he turns face down the line, he's going to do it by ditching the sweater and thermos.
AND THEN I WILL NEVER LOVE HIM AGAIN
Santino Marella and Teddy Long: Hey, they were there too!
Josh Matthews: I had my TV on mute for the 30 seconds or so he was on screen. I assume he said something groundbreaking. After all, he was standing in front of a closet with a sign that said "Training Room."
EDIT: I've since learned that Josh said something about Punk being more angry than hurt. Okay!
The Hypemen for HHH/Taker: I counted Big Show, Steve Austin, Miz, CM Punk, Edge, Randy Orton, John Cena, and The Rock all on screen talking about the HHH/Taker match from last year's Wrestlemania. The whole point of wrestling-as-storytelling is that nobody has to tell us what the men in the ring are thinking and feeling. I really disliked the "tell, not show" method of promotion last year. I'm going to HATE IT WITH LOTS OF CAPS LOCK if they do this for another 5 weeks. To me, it's one thing to give so much time to two guys who won't benefit going forward. It's another much worse thing to have your whole roster put over the idea that these two guys might as well be gods and they'll be gone soon and then everything will suck SO PAY $199 THIS MONTH FOR THE LAST BEST SHOW EVER UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
But wait...
Next Week: Shawn Michaels: Oh god this is going to turn into HBK/HHH dick swinging. You know what, they were kind to me and kept this storyline to a minimum, so I'll keep my words to a minimum. But I'll just say this: all HHH has to do is turn heel and I'll strongly reconsider hating this storyline.
Hell in a Cell: Okay, I can't do it. I have to say more. I have to say why I think the HHH/Taker match doesn't warrant Hell in a Cell. A substantial portion of the internet reaction last week resembled this: "I wasn't looking forward to this match, but now I am!"
That just doesn't add up to me. A cell match isn't a cage match, where the cage lines the ring, or a ladder match, where you have to take risks by definition. The Hell in a Cell match is one where the competitors could conceivably stay in the ring and wrestle a normal match if they wanted. It's the reason why we all hate the idea of a gimmick HIAC PPV (we all hate that, right?). The match should only take place between men who WANT to hurt each other. Undertaker wants redemption. HHH wants, well, I don't know what he wants, but a week ago he didn't want to face Undertaker at all. They'll go outside and throw each other into the cell. Taker will do Snake Eyes into the cell wall, and maybe HHH will hit a spinebuster into the wall. But to me, it all reeks of going through the motions. This match isn't about HHH and Taker hating each other. What's going on is the idea that the Undertaker Wrestlemania match HAS TO GET BIGGER EVERY YEAR. There was sound logic behind it at first. Taker was wasted in an opener against Big Show and A-Train in 2003. He was wasted against Mark Henry in a casket match in 2006. After that:
2007 : World title match against Batista
2008 : World title match against Edge
2009 : vs HBK (no significance by itself, but they loaded it with false finishes for a reason)
2010 : vs HBK, career on the line
2011 : vs HHH (again, no significance by itself, and they hide it by having Taker kick out of everything HHH could possibly do)
Now in 2012, there's a perceived need to make it bigger, and I think it's a waste of time and resources. You mean to tell me there would be a riot if the match was Taker/Ziggler? Yeah, Ziggler seems out of place with the last few guys Taker has fought, but that's the point. Randy Orton is where he is in part because of his match with Undertaker at Wrestlemania. The only way to make a mid-carder into a main-eventer is to commit to him and give him a chance. Would a match with Ziggler be a "waste" like Taker/Henry was? Maybe, but at this point Taker is best used giving someone else the shine. Put a guy like Ziggler alongside the names that Taker's been facing at Wrestlemania, and Ziggler becomes a star even if he loses in 15 minutes. Additional bonus: no 5-minute promos where Kofi Kingston looks back fondly on his 400 matches with Ziggler.
Kelly Kelly
That one Bella who isn't the other Bella
While I'm dubious about HHH/Taker's "we're the last of a dying breed, things were better back in the day" gimmick, wouldn't something like that work perfectly for the divas? WWE doesn't care about the women's division now anyway. Look at the divas on the roster right now and name one who can put on a better match than any of the following: Trish, Victoria, Molly, Lita. All I'm saying is SIX-WAY DIVAS HELL IN A CELL AT WRESTLEMANIA. I would strongly consider paying for that.
I do have to give Kelly credit for stopping the Bellas from switching for the first time since that magician guy gave Nikki a fake tattoo.
Jerry Lawler: After Kelly gets the win, Lawler takes a long pause saying nothing. Kelly is outside the ring, and we can see him in the background. Finally, he gets something out: "Very good!" Sadly, he was out of gold stars.
John Cena: The crowd tonight was like 56/44 Cena. What critical people like me look for is the 56 or the 44. What we often ignore is that they add up to 100. Some people like him, some people hate him, lots of people pretend to hate him because it's fun, but everybody cares about him. He has the enthusiasm of the youngest, most earnest fans, and it's the kind of thing that trickles down to the adults who otherwise might not care. Turn Cena heel? No, this is too much fun.
Miz: During the fist segment, Punk and Jericho did the right kind of shooting. They talked about things we still aren't totally comfortable hearing from wrestlers during the wrestling show. But they didn't go so far as to distract from their feud. They used what was available to them to ramp up their feud. Miz, on the other hand...mentioning "phoners" doesn't get you anywhere. Using insider terms for the sake of doing it is meaningless. He can do a lot better than that promo. Hopefully the speech he gives where he petitions to bring back Money in the Bank will go better.
Dolph Ziggler: Some heels refer to the audience "you people" and call them all stupid. Some heels are very broadly obnoxious. Dolph Ziggler has a pink t-shirt and walks down the ramp making fun of the fans' signs. He sees someone with a "Wrestlemania should come to Vancouver" sign and says, "Why?" Then he possibly sets a record during this match for Bumps Per Minute. Dolph is my favorite.
Vickie Guerrero: Honestly? I've got nothing. I think she's great, but Dolph doesn't need her. Vickie and Swagger is a great combination, and he's a guy who actually needs a manager.
Rosa Mendes: Primo and Epico should really be called "The Guys Who Walk Around With Rosa Mendes," because that's pretty much all they are.
Awkward monkey flip bumps: Yeeeeeeeeesh.
A match that actually matters and doesn't solely exist to advance a storyline on Raw: I LIKE!
Jack Swagger: In the beginning of the match, he pretty much clears the ring by Swagger Slamming everybody. Then he takes Kofi Kingston and awkwardly dumps both Kofi and HIMSELF over the top rope. I know the TV show affects match structure, but there's no need to be that freaking blatant about going to a commercial. BECAUSE WE CAN'T WATCH ANDRE 3000 SHAVING UNLESS EVERYONE'S OUTTA THE RING. I guess that counts as psychology?
KANE: KANE. He embraces hate. He doesn't embrace thrown-together tag matches.
What does it say about this poor guy that first they use him to put Cena over in advance of the biggest match since the last really big match, and now they're going to stick him back in the tag team ranks?
Eve Torres: Last week, Eve was told she had to make it seem like she'd been a bitchy slutwhore all along in order to retroactively justify the Cena/Ryder/Kane angle.
Wait, I was told to be less snarky. Let me try again.
Last week, Eve revealed that she was using Zack Ryder all along to get to John Cena. We knew that. So why, during the Wrestlemania build, are they showing us a video recap of the thing that happened last week? Eve came out and hammered the point home well enough that anybody would've understood it. This video recap played out like Inception:
We watched a video recap
of John Cena live recapping
what Eve said three minutes prior
which recapped two months of storyline
WE NEED TO GO DEEPER.
Eve: But I'll say this much. I was ready to blast this into the sun. But Eve was actually pretty good last night. She was believable, and she established a character. Yes, it's a character that's been done a million times before, but it's more character development than the rest of the divas have combined. Every other diva fits in one of three categories:
1. I smile and kick people
2. I make angry faces and kick people
3. I fart
But Eve started something that might actually turn into a thing. What's most important is that she took back control over the angle. She's not just a diseased slut who cries when she doesn't get her way. She's a bitch, yes, but she knows how to get her way. She might just actually maybe turn this into something interesting! I'm a little optimistic!
Kelly Kelly again: She now exists solely to make Eve come off like Meryl Streep or something.
WELL HELL, at least the divas stuff is out of the way. Time for the real entertain-
Michael Cole: Here's a trailer from the new WWE movie!!!
WHY
Edge: He's got Lucille Bluth and Randy from Scream in his movie, which makes this by far the best cast in a WWE movie, which is sad but almost a little cool.
Big Show: Sad news to report. As he came down the ramp high-fiving fans, 14 people broke their arms. It's probably Wade Barrett's fault.
Cody Rhodes: The "Big Show's an embarrassment" thing is pretty awesome, but why do I get the bad feeling that it's going to result in Big Show getting a nice Wrestlemania moment at Cody's expense? And why do I have the BAD feeling that Show's going to win the IC title? There's just no reason to waste that spot on him. Surely there are a lot of guys who could stand to hugely benefit from beating Cody for that beautiful IC title. Guys like-
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mark Henry: I know he's hurt, but can't you let him kick Sheamus around for like 30 seconds? There was more time for Edge's movie, for Kelly's facial non-reaction, than there was for Mark Henry's offense. Inexplicable.
Sheamus: OH MY GOD GUYS. WE HAVE A SMART POPULAR BABYFACE IN THE MAKING.
Big Show got distracted by Cody Rhodes leaving the ring. This is the classic formula: Mark Henry's gonna get up and sneak-attack him. But instead, Sheamus is actually paying attention, and he tags himself in to give Henry the Bro Kick. Logic makes me happy.
The Rock: The Rock doesn't come out until about 10:50 or so. That's my first "thumbs up" for him. For me, it was a matter of how much time Rock was going to take to sell a match that didn't need to be sold. Everybody knew Rock was going to spend a lot of time talking about very little, and I'm glad they used the overrun to do it.
For all the work that's gone into the Taker/HHH storyline, they don't seem to have a clue what they want to do with Rock/Cena. The truth is, they don't have to do anything. Rock and Cena could literally sit down and eat cereal together every Monday night and their match would still sell like crazy. But I'm still entitled to expect and demand something good.
Rock and Cena are two funny guys. They both have loads of charisma and they know how to keep the crowd's attention. Say what you will about the boos Cena's been getting. The Rock got those same boos in 2002. But the point remains, they are both funny, and the stakes for this match aren't really that high. This movie's going to be a comedy. But the issue is: what kind of comedy?
It could be a movie like, for example, The Hangover. Ridiculous things happen, and the characters say funny things, but what makes a movie like that work is a good story that drives the action. Or you could have something like one of the Larry the Cable Guy movies, where everything is designed to set up the next pun or the next kick in the nuts.
This episode of Raw, we had Rocky the Cable Guy.
"Kung Pow Bitch" doesn't mean anything and it doesn't contribute a thing to the feud. This feud should be something more than a battle to see how many ways you can call someone gay. There is a story here: one era vs. another, one definition of loyalty vs. another. I'll allow The Rock this week to get all the funny names and sing-song chants out of his system. But if he claims to be back, he needs to help sell what this match stands for. The people (sorry, THE PEOPLE) love him and will repeat anything he says. That doesn't mean "John Cena doesn't have a dick LOL" is any good. Rock got the last word on Monday, but Cena gets the last word tonight.
John Cena: Comes out, comments on Rock's material, comments on Rock's notes on his wrist, tells him he doesn't like him and he's going to kick the shit out of him, leaves.
KEEP DOING THAT.
Wait, nevermind, none of that's going to trend on twitter.
#idontunderstandtwitter
