In Your House 27: St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
I may have taken some liberties with the poster due to who is on it.
Match 1: Goldust def. Bluedust (3:07)
Not starting the show off good or bad. Just fucking weird. It doesn’t get any weirder than a flashback to Blue Meanie posing naked with his body entirely painted blue. Fun fact, I watched this show once a very long time ago back when I was in the single digit ages. I don’t remember exactly how old I was. But I definitely shouldn’t have been watching this. This match sucks but at least its short. Goldust pretty much beats up Meanie the whole match. He attempts Shattered Dreams, but Meanie kicks him in the face. Meanie misses a moonsault and Goldust hits a Curtain Call to win the match. And he still gets to kick Meanie in the dick.
My Rating: 1/2*
Match 2: Vacant Hardcore Championship Match - Bob Holly def. Al Snow (10:02)
Not 20 seconds into the match and Al Snow hits Holly in the head with a chair. Okay, busting out the heavy shit already. Legit only 5 seconds of this match is in the ring. They just brawl up the entrance way, to the back and then outside all the way to the Mississippi River outside the arena. This was also in February of course and Bob Holly was only wearing a pair of trunks and boots. He must have been freezing. While I can appreciate the creativity of leaving the arena and only fighting out there, they don’t do a whole lot other than find stuff on the ground and beat each other with it. They both end up in the river and come out all wet in the fucking February weather. The match at least has a creative finish with Holly rolling Snow up in some fencing like a burrito and pinning him that way to win his first singles title.
My Rating: **3/4
Match 3: Big Boss Man def. Mideon (6:20)
Don’t ya just love a heatless match between 2 heels. Legitimately, not a single person in the crowd gave a shit about this. And they let them know too by chanting boring. I truthfully don’t remember a damn thing about this match aside from the finish. Just punching, kicking, probably a rest hold or two. This match was buttcheeks man. And not Gigi Dolin buttcheeks, but Hank Hill buttcheeks. Mideon ducks a clothesline and gets caught in the Boss Man slam. Boss Man wins. Yay. Then the rest of the Ministry jump Boss Man after the match and carry him backstage.
My Rating: 1/2*
Match 4: WWF Tag Team Championship Match - Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett (c) def. Mark Henry & D’Lo Brown (9:34)
This match was boring too. Before the match, they have D’Lo and Henry backstage with Ivory and D’Lo says that if Debra gets involved in the match, then Ivory is going to “rip off every piece of clothing you have.” Henry acts as the muscle for his team obviously so Owen and Jarrett isolate D’Lo from his corner. And they lay on him for a boring amount of time. Eventually, D’Lo tags in Henry who turns it around. But D’Lo comes back in to help and the ref allows it for some reason. Then D’Lo goes to the top to hit a maneuver. Debra distracts him so Ivory comes over and D’Lo for some reason decides this argument is more important than Owen and Jarrett. With the referee distracted too, Owen comes in with the guitar and busts it on Henry’s left knee, causing the pieces to spread around the ring. Jarrett puts Henry in the Figure 4 and the referee tries hard not to make it look like he doesn’t notice the obvious guitar pieces around the ring and Henry taps, giving the champs the win. Ivory attempts to but doesn’t succeed, to strip Debra down after the match. Let’s move on.
My Rating: **
Match 5: Intercontinental Championship Match with Billy Gunn as Special Referee - Val Venis def. Ken Shamrock (c) (15:52)
I hate this soap opera shit. So Val Venis was banging Ken’s sister and Ken doesn’t like that. Fun fact by the way, Ken’s “sister” was his real life girlfriend at the time. I bet that made things awkward in the bedroom. This match was buttcheeks as well. God this was such a boring watch. And to make it worse, it was nearly 16 minutes long. It’s also very weirdly worked. I think Val is the babyface but you had him working like a heel while Ken was a heel who had to fight from under for some reason. And Billy Gunn counts very slow whenever both men go for covers. The end of this match comes after Ken puts the Ankle Lock on Val. And Ryan (Ken’s girlfriend and/or sister) helps Val to the ropes. Ken goes outside to confront her and Ryan slaps him. Billy goes outside and gets between them, prompting Ken to shove him. So Billy throws him inside and Val rolls Ken in a small package and Billy fast counts to give Val the title.
My Rating: *1/2
Match 6: Kane & Chyna def. Triple H & X-Pac (14:45)
Finally, a decent match on this fucking show. It’s nothing special but it’s at least they do enough to fill the time. Kane acts as the power of his team and Chyna comes in and gets a few shots on HHH and X-Pac. Pretty much, all she does is elbows. Kane does most of the work in this match for his team. Shane McMahon comes down during and joins commentary. So X-Pac jumps him at some point. When Chyna gets beaten up by HHH, the crowd goes wild. As HHH and Kane battle outside, X-Pac hits the Bronco Buster and the crowd goes nuts again. But Shane jumps X-Pac, prompting Pac to chase him to the back. Triple H reverses an irish whip and whips Kane into the steps. He goes back in and goes for a Pedigree on Chyna, but Kane comes in and saves her, hitting a Chokeslam and laying Chyna across him. The Corporation win. Booo.
My Rating: ***
Match 7: WWF Championship Last Man Standing Match - Mankind (c) vs. The Rock ended in a draw (21:54)
This match was awesome. Such a great match but just wish it had a better finish. This was the first Last Man Standing Match in the company’s history and this sets the tone for every one to come after it. Also, if you don’t count Capital Carnage, this is the fourth PPV in a row where Rock and Mankind are fighting each other. They brawl up the entrance way, beating the hell out of each other. And once again, Mick Foley puts his body through fucking hell for our entertainment. To make it even better, You have The Rock getting on the mic to trash talk Foley every once in a while. He puts a headset on at the commentary table and tells Mick to bring his candy ass over there. So Mick does and practically leaps over the table onto Rock and lays into him. Mick takes two particularly disgusting spots where he tries to piledrive Rock on the same table, but Rock back drops Foley behind him… off the table. Foley’s head hits the table, his leg hits the timekeeper’s table and his back splats on the floor. Fuck that. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, as Mick is laying on the outside, Rock drops the steel steps on him from inside the ring! Jesus christ! As the match goes on, Rock later hits a Corporate Elbow on Mankind and then grabs a mic, he starts singing a song, not sure what song he was parodying here but he ends it with “Down at the end of Jabroni drive at the SmackDown hotel.” He leans down to Mick and goes to talk some more trash, but Mick stuffs Mr. Socko down his throat and Rock’s muffled screams can be heard cause he’s still holding the mic. This match rules so much. Rock kicks Mick in the dick, and hits the Rock Bottom. Both men are down and exhausted, then get up, both grabbing a chair and hit each other at the same exact time… And the referee counts them both out… Laaaaaaame. Legitimately, whats the point in doing this finish? The Rock won the title back the very next night anyway. Shaking my head.
My Rating: ****
Main Event: Steel Cage Match with Austin’s WrestleMania Title Shot on the Line - Steve Austin def. Vince McMahon (7:52)
Ah… This brought joy to my soul. Here, Stone Cold did something I’m sure we would all love to do… Beat the piss and shit out of Vince McMahon! I know it was his idea but there’s a particular spot in the match that brought a smile to my face and I’m sure you know which one I’m talking about already. Before the match even officially starts, Austin beats the hell out of Vince for like 10 minutes on the outside. And both of them are at the top of the cage and Vince falls back and off into the spanish announce table. I know it was probably his idea, but there’s no way that didn’t hurt and it brought me such joy to see it. Howard Finkel tries to declare Austin the winner, but Austin takes the mic and says Vince isn’t getting off that easy. Austin drags Vince back to the ring on the stretcher they tried to carry Vince out on. Austin brings Vince into the ring and proceeds to whip his ass for like 7 minutes. And the only reason it goes as long as it does is because whenever Austin would try to leave, Vince would flip him the bird and Austin would come right back in to kick his ass some more. Austin busts Vince open and puts the finishing touches on with a Stunner. He trash talks Vince, but wait, whats happening behind Austin… It’s The Giant from WCW! He tosses Austin into the cage a couple times before Vince motions for him to throw Austin into the cage. So Big Show picks Stone Cold up and throws him into the cage… But the cage swings open, allowing Austin to drop to the floor and his WrestleMania Match is in tact. This was a genius way to end the show honestly. They really tease you and make you think something is gonna happen and Austin is somehow gonna get fucked over again with how long this goes and how much he plays with Vince. And something does happen, but the right man still wins in the end.
My Rating: ***
Cagematch Rating: 5.81
My Rating: 5.5/10
The first half of this show had me going, “this show is gonna get a low rating from me” but I’ll give them credit, they brought it back with the second half of the show. I enjoyed the last 3 matches. The Last Man Standing Match was a lot of fun, despite the stupid finish. But honestly speaking, I don’t think I can go any higher with my rating.
Next is another blood themed show weirdly enough. Bad Blood 2003.
