Thought this was funny
60 things more worthy of your £60 than a Britney ticket
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So, as pop fans everywhere are aware, tickets for “the legendary Ms.” Britney Spears’ upcoming Femme Fatale tour went on sale this week in the UK. At £60 a pop, some would argue that Spears is asking a bit much, especially looking back at her recent frankly embarrassing performances at the Billboard awards and on Good Morning America. In order to help you decide whether a ticket for the concert it really what you need, here’s a comprehensive list of 60 things that are better value for your money. Don’t say I never do anything for you!
A Rihanna ticket
It’s common knowledge that Rihanna can’t actually sing, but at least she makes an effort. A few bum notes in ‘California King Bed’ will at least make you absolutely certain that the Barbadian beauty is exercising her lungs, unlike at Britney’s concert where a static and suspiciously note perfect rendition of ‘Everytime’ will leave fans arguing over whether Spears actually sung that one live or not. Again.
A Take That ticket
Take That are on tour at the moment, have you heard? And Robbie is back. So basically, you get two concerts for the price of one. Bargain. The boys are joined on stage at one point by a robot. Britney’s concert will feature a woman moving around the stage like she is a robot. This is not the same thing.
A Janet Jackson ticket
If bad miming really is your thing, then maybe Janet is the one for you. The woman is almost twice Spears’ age and can still dance her ass off. She hasn’t performed in the UK for bloody ages and is in London at the end of the month, whereas Britney came here for The Circus a couple of years ago and basically moved into the O2 for six months. Less is more, Brit. Less is more.
A reasonably expensive night out
Maybe in London, £60 is a cheap night out. Substitute as appropriate.
Buying ‘Beat of My Drum’ by Nicola Roberts from iTunes 60 times
This song is amazing and deserves to do a lot better than it is at the moment, so purchasing it sixty times would be doing the world a great service. It’s for the greater good.
Membership at London Zoo
Going to a Britney concert is like watching a caged animal being forced into view of probing eyes for the sake of entertainment. If you were a member of London Zoo, you could go and see actual caged animals looking sad and longing for freedom, thus avoiding any need for exaggerative similes.
Your mobile phone bill
Going to see Britney in concert is all well and good, but if you forget or can’t afford to pay your phone bill because of it, then how will you phone anyone during ‘Toxic’ for them to hear nothing but a heavy bass and you shrieking with glee at the sight of your idol waddling determinedly from one end of a stage to another? The answer is: “You won’t be able to.”
Driving lessons
It may not seem like it, but taking driving lessons will actually change your life. Going to see Britney in concert is unlikely to change your life, unless the life change you want to make is to not be a fan of her anymore.
Your driving test
If you already take driving lessons, maybe it’s time you started to think about taking your driving test? Being able to drive is way more rewarding than I imagine a show on the Femme Fatale tour will be and your driving examiner is likely to be more alert than Britney will. If not, I’m sure there’s a number you can ring to report him.
Your car tax
If you’ve already passed your driving test, maybe it’s time to tax your car. Without taxing it, you won’t be able to drive it. Makes sense.
Paying a speeding fine
If you’ve already passed your driving test, taxed your car, been driving for a while and are a Britney fan, then the likeliness is that you’ve been caught speeding in a 30 mph zone while singing along with ‘Get Naked (I Got a Plan)’ too enthusiastically to notice the camera you just passed. We’ve all been there. Your speeding fine will probably come to about £60 and while you may prefer to spend that money on a ticket for Britney, not paying the fine could mean you have to appear in court. Not going to a Britney concert will not lead to any court appearances, unless perhaps the person not going to the concert is Britney herself.
Buy all the Madonna concert DVDs from Play.com, wonder why they don’t have the Confessions Tour one and go to Amazon.co.uk to get that one instead
Not only will these DVDs provide you with hours of entertainment at a reasonable price, you can also look out for set pieces and staging that Britney’s team will likely rip off during the Femme Fatale tour. Another bonus is that none of these concert recordings feature a demented banshee murdering ‘Burning Up’.
A nice present for your Dad this father’s day
Father’s day is coming up and unless your male parent is one of those Gay DadsTM then it’s unlikely that his idea of a nice present will be a ticket for Britney Spears.
A good pair of jeans
A good pair of jeans are hard to find, but when you do find them, they can make your arse look fabulous. A Britney concert will not make your arse look fabulous. Look how many of them Britney goes to and her arse hasn’t been fabulous since she first popped out a sprog.
108 Durex Extra Safe condoms
Safe sex is more important than seeing someone you once idolised embarrass themselves in front of thousands of people. Also, if you’re a homosexual, it is wise to be aware of the huge ratio of other homosexuals at a Britney concert. Condoms will be essential in this situation anyway and it’s highly likely you will have sex with someone when the concert ends, or perhaps while it’s still on.
The entire Friends box set
The entire box set of Friends is available many places for around £60. The disappointment when you realise the episodes are still repeated every single fucking day on E4 is minute compared to the disappointment you will feel when Britney doesn’t perform well.
The entire Sex and the City box set
The disappointment when you realise that you will probably never meet your Mr. Big is minute compared to the disappointment you will feel when Britney doesn’t perform well.
The entire LOST box set
The disappointment when you realise that the writers didn’t have a clue what they were doing the whole time and were just making it up as they went along is minute compared to the disappointment you will feel when Britney doesn’t perform well.
Booking Lorna Bliss
Lorna Bliss was highly mocked when she appeared on Britain’s Got Talent this year, but let’s face it, the girl sang and danced better than the real Britney has in years. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if Britney auditioned for one of these shows and then I realise that the judges would tell her to “Fuck right off” and I stop wondering.
Hiring a low class prostitute
If you pay a girl for sex then at least you can be sure she is going to put one hundred percent into it, which is more than can be said with Britney’s dedication to anything apart from being a little bit shit. Afterwards, you will feel a bit guilty, but only about the same amount of guilt you’ll feel when you have to lie to your friends who ask you how Britney was. “Amazing,” you’ll reply.
Roughly two months worth of Internet access so you can watch Youtube videos of how shit The Circus Tour was
No excuses after that.
A puppy from the local animal shelter
During the concert, Britney will inevitably tell everyone “I love you, London!” even though she is probably in Birmingham. When she says this, she doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t know you, how can she love you? A poor abandoned puppy from the animal shelter actually will love you if you look after it well. You could even call the puppy Britney, if it’s a girl. Don’t call it Britney if it’s a boy, that’s a bit weird.
A meal in quite a nice restaurant
The meal should be very satisfying. If not, you can usually get your money back. If you find the Britney concert unsatisfying, you will not get your money back.
Group paintballing
Paintballing can be a lot of fun, especially if you go with someone you don’t really like very much and pretend that the guns are real. Just saying. If you went to a Britney concert with someone you don’t like very much then that would just be awkward.
600 Wham bars
Wham bars are sugary and sweet. Britney hasn’t been sugary and sweet since the end of the nineties.
46 double cheeseburgers from McDonald’s
Because we all know that eating these cheeseburgers is what Britney would prefer to be doing.
Class A drugs
If you take enough of the class A drugs, you will probably be able to convince yourself you are at the Britney concert. More likely, you will be in an alleyway somewhere being mugged by a tramp, but you won’t know so that’s fine.
A pair of Adidas Attitude Vulcanised trainers from Foot Locker
These trainers look nice and they will probably last you a lot longer than any fond memories of the Britney concert.
14.6 shares in Tesco
Buying shares in Tesco is a wise investment. Come November, it is doubtful that Tesco will have gone bust and your shares become worthless. However, you can’t deny that it’s more likely that Britney will have had a breakdown and try and pull a sicky to get out of her UK dates. Bear that in mind.
A “back, sack and crack” wax
Probably a lot less painful than watching a once talented performer reduced to being wheeled around on stage by her dancers.
A gym session with a personal trainer
Getting in shape is very rewarding, apparently. Think of how rewarded you’ll feel if you manage to get in better shape than Britney is these days. That should take about two weeks.
Wine and dine a member of Spears’ team in order to blag a backstage pass for free
If only she was still hanging around with Sam Lufti, this one would be a lot easier.
Bribe Tulisa from N-Dubz in order to further your X Factor dream
Rumour has it that Tulisa is paying Simon Cowell for the privellege to appear as a judge, so any cash would be handy.
A Cineworld Unlimited Card for four months
Imagine all the entertaining films that will come out over a four months period. Ok, maybe not so many. But there are bound to be a couple at least.
Subscribe to Sky and get it installed by Sunday to watch Kylie: Aphrodite Les Folies on the telly
Aphrodite Les Folies was a treat for the eyes and the ears. The Femme Fatale tour will only be a treat for Team Britney’s bank balance.
Go to Butlins Minehead
A weekend in Butlins will be a laugh and will inevitably end with you getting drunk and dancing badly to ‘Gimme More’ in a cheap club. The Femme Fatale tour will inevitably end with Britney getting drunk and dancing badly to ‘Till the World Ends’. ‘Gimme More’ is a better song, so Butlins Minehead wins.
A bottle of Chassagne Montchet 1er Cru Morgeots from Waitrose
Let’s face it, if you go to a Britney concert the first thing you are going to need afterwards is alcohol and lots of it. Cut out the middle man.
A Virgin Experience Spa Day for two
Getting pampered at a spa will be very relaxing and you will find little to get angry about. At a Britney concert, you will find yourself surrounded by overexcited superfans exclaiming “SHE’S BACK!”, “THAT’S AMAZING!”, “LOOK AT HER GO!” etc, etc. Unless you are a total idiot as well, you will find this annoying and probably get angry.
Put the money towards psychiatric treatment
If you’ve seen the performances from Billboard, Good Morning America and the Circus Tour and still want to go to the Femme Fatale tour, then perhaps it’s time to admit that you are a candidate for psychiatric treatment.
Put the money towards psychiatric treatment for Britney
Makes sense.
Get a makeover
A makeover will make you feel good about yourself and possibly make you more attractive to potential mates. A Britney concert will make you feel good about yourself because you will think “at least my life isn’t as fucked up as hers” and that’s not really very nice.
A deposit for an 18-30 package holiday
An 18-30’s holiday will involve lots of alcohol, vomit and crap food, strangely similar to what goes on backstage at a Britney concert.
Britney’s The Singles Collection box set
Priced at around £60, this set contains each of Spears’ released singles up to the last era, complete with b-sides and remixes. Such gems as ‘…Baby One More Time’ and ‘I’m a Slave 4 U’ are definitely not to be missed, but admittedly you will have to sit through guff like ‘Lucky’ and ‘Don’t Let Me Be the Last to Know’. Sitting through the songs in CD quality is less irritating than watching someone make millions by opening and closing her mouth without uttering a single sound.
An iPod shuffle
You could use this to listen to The Singles Collection on.
A Rampant Rabbit vibrator
An orgasm is way more enjoyable than watching Britney.
90 days EnglishLads membership
The most entertaining part of the tour will inevitably the barely dressed dancers that distract you from the fact that Britney isn’t actually doing anything. At EnglishLads, fit men are completely naked and actually having sex with each other. Much better!
Tickets for two to any West End musical
Going to the West End to see a show is a lot of fun and you get to watch people with actual talent and wonder how they aren’t famous yet when people like Spears are.
Employ a servant on minimum wage for 10 hours
You could get your servant to do whatever you want. Apart from buy Britney tickets because you will have already spent that money.
A rally driving experience day
Crashing the car and ending up in hospital is a small price to pay when you escaped the torture of knowing you are actively making a mentally unstable woman’s life a living hell.
A day at Thorpe Park
Theme parks are so much fun, and you get to scream on the roller coasters almost as loud as you plan to scream when Britney is shoved on stage by her father and manager, looking dazed and confused, wondering where the hell she is and why they woke her up.
Skydive with an extremely dodgy company
Skydiving should cost a lot more than £60, unlike Spears’ concert which should cost a lot less, but you can probably find a poorly managed and unsafe business that will do it for cheaper and not take the blame when you inevitably die.
A snorkling trip
Snorkling is an incredible experience, but there are sharks in the water no matter what they tell you. Britney would probably quite like to go snorkling. She would definitely prefer it to performing to thousands of people every night, anyway.
Book a private room at Karaoke Box Soho and perform the concert yourself
This might be better if you also bring the class A drugs we mentioned earlier.
A singing lesson for yourself
A singing lesson for Britney
A dancing lesson for yourself
A dancing lesson for Britney
Setting fire to your £60 and using it to warm your hands on a cold night
No one likes being cold and if you haven’t got anything else to burn…
Some hair clippers, a grey hoodie and an umbrella to recreate this look for Halloween
