Fuji Reviews Godzilla

[Fuji Vice]

Godzilla

A Japanese fishing boat is attacked by an unseen force and eventually washes ashore. When the lone survivor of the attack is questioned, he only says the word “Gojira”. Meanwhile, the military and some select scientists are examining the wreckage when one of them, Niko “Nick” Tatopolous, determines that the damage seems to have been caused by a giant lizard, possibly a by-product of nuclear testing. Once the monster makes its way to the shores of New York, the entire city is threatened, and even the combined forces of the entire US Military complex may not be enough to save it.

Man, has this movie received a lot of hate over the years or what? I swear, you cannot get into a discussion about Godzilla without having someone bring up how awful it was or how it “ruined” the character. Obviously to that I say, “Hey, it’s a remake of a crappy Japanese movie so what the fuck did you expect and how could it be ruined?” Believe it or not, I actually have those conversations from time to time and while I don’t always come out on the winning end, I often find that I’m able to get people to re-assess their opinions on this much maligned film. Godzilla isn’t perfect and…wait, scratch that, Godzilla IS perfect, a perfect turd that is! Yep, it’s beyond awful, but that’s what not only makes it a great (bad) movie but a real fun one as well. Sure it could have been serious (because all the Japanese ones before it were right?) or more well thought out (again, watch one of the originals to see how bizarre THEY can get) but hey, it’s not. Rather, it’s a hilarious look at how inept the military and crisis management in general can be, a poignant reflection on nuclear testing and yet more proof that the French are indeed the biggest douchebags on the planet. Oh and it’s got Ferris Bueller, Mr. Helen Hunt, Leon the Professional, the voice of both Ned Flanders and Principal Skinner, some really bad Siskel and Ebert impersonators and a shit ton of fish. So strap yourselves the fuck in folks, because it’s time for another Fuji special, a two-day mega-review of the one and only, Godzilla…from 1998…not the one with Perry Mason and the rubber suit….or the one with the three-headed monster where Mothra and Rodan have to unite with the rubber suit man to GAAAAAAKKKK!!!!

”I will not be appearing in this film.”​

We start off with a big bang…literally, as some French dude counts down while the French national anthem plays in the background. Gee, do you think the French might have something to do with this? Well there’s no time for thinking since we’re now treated to a nuclear explosion that looks a little something like this…

Well, that’s not actually the explosion used in the movie, but it might as well have been since they used a stock one too. I mean what the fuck guys; you couldn’t even fire off your own nuke for filming purposes? No wonder people hate this movie. You know who else hates this part? The lizards who were sitting on the island that got nuked, that’s who. In fact, they’re so pissed that they decide to lie dormant for years and years until a Japanese (no coincidence there) fishing boat happens along. One of these now mutated lizards decides to fuck the boat’s shit up and does so in glorious fashion before kicking it to the curb like his last four bitches. Apparently only one of the crew is left alive and he quickly snaps to attention when this French fucker waves a lighter in his face.

”WAKE THE FUCK UP HOMIE!!!”​

Well, actually he’s not a fucker; he’s Jean Reno, action star extraordinaire and one hell of a sharp dresser. He gets the Japanese dude to say “Gojira” and that’s all she wrote as we’re off to sunny Chernobyl, Russia where it’s not sunny at all. In fact, it’s pouring rain, which allows us to get a funny introduction to Matthew Broderick’s main character Niko as he busts out a pretty decent rendition of the classic tune “Singin’ in the Rain.” He’s an NRC (Nerdy Reclusive Cunt…just kidding, it’s Nuclear Regulatory Commission) scientist who does experiments with worms. Yes, worms. These experiments involve putting jumper cables into the ground and electrifying it, thereby pissing the fuck out of said worms and driving them out of their natural habitat and to the surface where he then grabs them and shoves them in jars. What an asshole this guy is, but then again, take a look for yourselves and tell me he isn’t actually a Nerdy Reclusive Cunt after all.

”NERDY…RECLUSIVE…CUNT”​

Anyhow, poor Nick (his “nick”name, ha ha, I slay myself sometimes) doesn’t get a chance to fuck with too many worms because Aaron Pierce from 24 shows up to whisk him off to check out the wrecked ship. You know who else is checking out the wrecked ship? If you said Jean Reno (I would have accepted both Leon the Professional or Sharp Dresser) then award yourself one point and continue on with this review. If you said anything else I really don’t know what to say other than thanks for not really paying attention so far you fucking asshole! Alright, back to the movie as yes, Jean Reno (now calling himself Phillipe Roache) is checking out the boat, claiming to be an insurance investigator. This is actually a plausible cover since lord knows the first people on the scene of an accident are the insurance investigators. After all, who wants to pay out on a commercial marine policy that would clearly be into the millions of dollars range? Well one things for sure, Lloyd’s of London wouldn’t, and apparently neither would this guy’s company but hey, this movie isn’t about insurance, it’s about giant fucking monsters attacking big cities so let’s get back to that alright? The city Gojira’s going after here is New York, and how do I know that?

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Bingo, nothing like a World Trade Center shot and this one even has it getting hit by lightning…shocking to say the least. Over in the harbor, this little dude decides to go fishing and he’s hoping to catch the big one. Let’s just say he gets a tad more than he bargained for when he sees this materialize in front of him….

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I’m not sure about you, but that would be enough to get me to shit my pants at least twice before I even noticed I’d done it. Anyhow, we’re not discussing my bowels here, because an entire city is getting the crap kicked out of it by good old Gojira. In the meantime, we meet Audrey Timmonds, played by Maria Pitillo, who is quite possibly both the worst character and actress of all time.

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No, seriously, she is fucking pathetic and it’s painfully obvious that she was blowing the producers, director and probably the goddamn catering staff to get this job. Audrey is not exactly a self-starter and so she constantly gets stepped on by the assholes in New York. Speaking of getting stepped on, some of the assholes in New York are having that happen to them right now, as Gojira continues to demolish the city. After he heads past the window of a restaurant that Audrey and her friends Lucy and Victor “Animal” Palotti are in, Animal decides he needs to film the bastard and so tears off after him throwing caution to the wind and generally coming across as a total badass. Or he would if you didn’t realize he was Helen Hunt’s husband, Hank Azaria, also known as Helen Hunt’s ex-husband less than a year after they were married AND the man she forgot to thank after winning Best Actress at the Academy Awards (guess the writing was on the wall there eh?). Amazingly enough, Matthew Broderick’s wife, Sarah Jessice Horseface Parker also forgot to thank him after winning an Emmy. Coincidence? I think not. So yeah, Animal’s trying to get some footage of this bad motherfucker but his damn tape won’t pop into the camera, thereby dating this movie horribly and proving that something good did come out of the digital age.

"If you're over 30, you remember how annoying this was!"
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He finally gets the tape in just in time to see Gojira’s giant foot coming towards him but since he took some lessons from that kid in Jurassic Park that gets the crap kicked out of him over and over again, he survives to laugh another day. In fact, Azaria has this hilarious shit-eating grin on his face after the monster leaves and to be honest, I probably would too. Believe it or not, this is actually the best moment in the film and we’ve still got nearly an hour and a half to go! Meanwhile, Nick and the military have landed in New York and are working their asses off to find the creature before it can damage the city further. Nick comes up with an amazing leap in logic and tells them that the creature is most likely hungry so if they provide it with food it should come to them. This is actually incredibly basic which leads me to believe that every one of Broderick’s colleagues have been lobotomized and forced to watch the Sean Connery flops Meteor and Zardoz over and over again in some sort of perverse form of torture. It’s really the only viable explanation as to why they’re so inept. Speaking of inept, the military is about to prove how inept they are but first a quick break in the action, brought to you by our sponsor…fish.

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If you’re wondering why those fish look so fake you needn’t wonder any longer…they ARE fake. Yep, apparently the smell of that many fish was too overpowering for the film crew and so they made fake ones instead. What a rip off! Apparently Gojira doesn’t really mind that much though, as evidenced by his willingness to perform silly pet tricks while on his way to a fantastically fishy feast. Don’t believe me? Well check it out then.

[video=youtube;AAW4Bd7V0eo]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAW4Bd7V0eo[/video]​

If you watched until the end of that awesome video you’d have seen the military decide to be themselves by immediately trying to shoot the shit out of Gojira even though he’s probably just misunderstood. It doesn’t really matter though, because Gojira is a FUCKING NINJA and can dodge out of the way of bullets and SAM missiles. In a hilarious bit of irony that was not missed by this reviewer, the military actually does more damage to New York than the monster itself, destroying numerous landmarks including the Chrysler building before finally giving up and admitting defeat. Of course, Gojira responds to this by doing the only thing he knows how; he humps the shit out of a building!

"Bow-chick-a-wow."
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While all of this is going on, Nick grabs himself a pregnancy test and heads off to give it to old Horseface. Alright, just kidding, he’s checking the monster’s urine (or something else left over, they never explain) and he makes the bombshell discovery that “he’s” pregnant. Not Nick you idiots, the monster…oops, I mean Gojira! He tells this to Audrey, who has popped over for a quickie (information, not sex, though they did previously date so maybe the benefits are still there?) but she also decides to be tough and steal Nick’s top secret tape. She promptly uses this tape to shoot her own special but once again gets fucked over by this guy….

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Yes, that’s Principal Skinner/Ned Flanders/Kent Brockman himself, Harry Shearer, who is probably the best actor in this film not named Jean Reno. Shearer’s douchebag reporter character is actually really easy to hate and it’s only a shame that he didn’t eat it on a toilet like the douchebag lawyer from Jurassic Park did. Anyhow, the military is NONE TOO PLEASED at Nick for allowing his tape to be stolen and so they fire his ass from the project even though he’s the only fucking person there who seems to know what the hell he’s doing. Yep, it’s no surprise that the morons from FEMA who handled Hurricane Katrina watched this film as a primer on how to manage a crisis! So Nick leaves for the airport but the driver misses the exit. Wait, that’s not a taxi driver, it’s….

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JEAN FUCKING RENO!!! He’s no insurance investigator, he’s a secret agent man, and he needs Nick’s help to find the creature’s nest because apparently he’s also the only one who believes he’s right. On that note, it’s time to break for the day since we’re over 2000 words already and we’ve still got a lot of this movie left to go. Tomorrow we’ll be looking at more fish, Madison Square Garden, submarines and I’ll explain why I keep referencing Jurassic Park. Do you think you can handle MORE GOJIRA AWESOMENESS?!?!? Of course you can, so I’ll see you here tomorrow you lucky, lucky people!

 

[Postman Dave]

Ahhh Godzilla, the film I watched for my 10th Birthday party. I got an awesome Happy Meal toy with that too, but I can't remember what it was.

I haven't seen the film since, so this is a nice little nostalgic trip for me, thanks Fuj. The only think I have a lasting memory of is the kick ass soundtrack.

EDIT: IT WAS AN EEYORE SOFT TOY!

 

[Fuji Vice]

Thanks man, glad you enjoyed it and hopefully the second part of this review will live up to the first.

 

[Wang Chung]

I watched this on a thanksgiving when I was in college alone. I spent the day watching movies and eating pizza. The movie wasn't all that bad when compared story line wise to other godzillas. The issue was how they changed Godzilla, they made a him a she and changed the entire look of godzilla.

Thanks for the turn back time moment.

 

[JakeYourBooty]

I've actually never seen this movie...

 

[Fuji Vice]

Thanks for the comments guys, they're much appreciated and I'll have the second part of this review up tomorrow at some point. As for you Booty, I'd say you should watch it right now, but I'm not exactly making the strongest case for it! :

 

[JakeYourBooty]

yeah I lump it with the King Kong from a few years back....never saw that either...just not sure about em

 

[Krisis]

Great review. I really enjoy this movie.

 

[Fuji Vice]

Great review. I really enjoy this movie.

Thanks, much appreciated. Second part starts...now.

Godzilla – Part 2

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Well we’re back folks, and it’s time to delve into the second part of this mammoth review of the undisputed classic, 1998’s Godzilla. For those who are wondering, here’s the score so far. A giant lizard (product of French nuclear testing) has come to New York and is currently wreaking havoc on the city, even going as far as destroying the Chrysler building. Oh wait, scratch that, the Chrysler building (and many others) was actually destroyed by the military while trying to kill the lizard (affectionately known as Gojira). Not willing to settle for simply sucking at killing a monster, the brain trust in the crisis management team also fired the only guy who actually knew anything about the fucking thing. Yes, these people are beyond the realm of idiocy and have actually taken it to an art form but I digress. This dude who knows everything about Gojira is one Nick Tatopolous (AKA Matthew Broderick playing a Greek) and he has just been whisked away by JEAN FUCKING RENO (AKA Sharp Dressed Man), the French secret agent who’s in the US doing damage control since they created the monster in the first place. Oh and Nick’s ex-girlfriend, now a not so intrepid reporter, was the one who got him fired after she stole his tape. Nick had just given her a stern talking to and she, along with her friend Animal, have followed him and the French dude to his secret lair. Alright, we’ve got the back story out of the way, so let’s get on with the rest of this insanity!

"Two thumbs up for shitty impersonators."
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So while our intrepid heroes are off trying to find Gojira’s nest, the military is doing their best to fuck up yet another “Kill Gojira†operation. They start this one off the same way as the last one before once again royally screwing the pooch and missing Gojira on numerous occasions. How the hell are these guys in charge again? Meanwhile our resident Siskel and Ebert clones are prattling on about something in the command room but I can’t pay attention to them because it’s just so horrendous that they even have these two characters in the first place! Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to make cute little references to the very two movie critics who would subsequently trash the shit out of the film? Anyhow, enough of that little rant because we’re back in action baby, and Gojira’s so tired of running that he simply jumps into a nearby harbor for a little bath. Unfortunately for him, there are also some submarines in there and they quickly jump to action. Rather than try to describe the hilarity which ensues at this moment I figured it was time for a video break…

[video=youtube;5NIQmsYkTSc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NIQmsYkTSc[/video]
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So to summarize the events above, the entire US Navy save for one submarine are complete morons (par for the course at this point), Gojira is one hell of a swimmer and, oh yeah, he’s also dead. Well at least I think he’s dead, I mean he is floating to the bottom of the sea right? So wait, if Gojira’s dead then why isn’t the movie over yet? Oh, I know why, because good old Doctor Nick and the Frogs are still out there searching for the nest and so far they haven’t really had any luck. Too bad someone didn’t tell them that Gojira was a big ‘rasslin fan because if they’d known that they probably would have gotten HERE sooner….

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That’s right folks, the old lady herself, Madison Square Garden, which Gojira has been using as a home base of sorts. Well that and also a place to nest “his†eggs, of which there appear to be hundreds. In fact, there’s so many that JEAN FUCKING RENO tells Broderick to “stop countingâ€, which kills any chance of a hilarious scene where they count each individual egg while circus music plays in the background. Oh come on, as if that would have made this movie any worse! On the bright side, we do get to see a scene where Matthew Broderick has a little too much tactile contact with one of the eggs and yes, it’s just as awful as it sounds.

"Bow-chick-a-wow Part II"
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Because this is a movie the eggs conveniently start to hatch almost immediately after our heroes show up and discover them. Thank goodness for Hollywood punctuality eh? Of course the eggs all have Lil’ Gojira’s inside and these fuckers are keen on getting out so they can enjoy some of the finer things in life like fish, popcorn and humans. Did I say humans? Yep, I guess I did, but you can’t really blame the little bastards for wanting to eat them, I mean they do all smell like fish and some of them are French! These things are also pretty big considering they’re supposed to be babies, and they look remarkably similar to another deadly movie creature. That’s right, take a look at these dudes and tell me they don’t look at least a little bit like Velociraptors.

"I could swear I've seen these before."
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Well actually, I guess the proper term for them would be Gojiraptors, but that still doesn’t make up for this obviously blatant rip off. That was one of the main reasons I was referencing Jurassic Park yesterday but even as I was typing this it suddenly dawned on me that this entire movie is like one long version of the final 10 minutes of Steven Spielberg’s infinitely more entertaining, The Lost World. This begs the question of why the producers and director felt that was a good direction to go in. Clearly copying Spielberg is never a bad thing, but this time around it looks like they got more of Minority Report level Spielberg than Jaws level, which obviously doesn’t bode well. However, I don’t have too much time to think about this further, since the Gojiraptors go on the offensive, obviously realizing that killing these hapless humans will end the movie quicker! Some hilariously bad scenes featuring the actors failing miserably at acting scared follow, before they get out of the building just in time for the military to FINALLY do something right and…..

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AMERICA….FUCK YEAH!!!! Yes, the military finally gets it right and nukes the crap out of Madison Square Garden, although now that I’m thinking about it that’s pretty much just par for the course for them here. Is it really right for them to be celebrating after this happens by high-fiving at their own gross ineptitude and property damage? Of course it is, because they’ve finally gotten rid of the threat…oh wait, never mind, no they haven’t. Yes folks, that’s right, you just can’t keep a good Gojira down and so almost immediately after MSG perishes in flames he pops his head up from underground where he’s apparently been hiding this whole time. This would already be a major problem but the situation quickly becomes a lot worse when he noses some of his dead babies and realizes they’ve killed all his offspring. You know, this is actually kind of a sad scene and for some reason it makes you sympathize with the monster even more. If this was the intention of the filmmakers then I say they did a good job, so obviously it wasn’t and they just got lucky! Speaking of lucky, the four heroes left (Reno’s redshirts all bought it in MSG) hop into a cab that’s conveniently right next to them and they take off with the creature in tow. Eventually they lead him to a suspension bridge where he gets tangled in the cables. No, seriously, see for yourself.

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This spot of luck allows the military to finally have an immobile target and this time they make no mistake, slamming a bunch of missiles into its side until it collapses in a heap on the surface of the bridge. This makes Nick sad, since he alone realizes how misunderstood this poor guy is, and so he heads over to have one last poignant moment with the beast before it expires. This touching moment is at goddamn Kodak levels, so of course you all have to see it right here.

Spoiler

So with Gojira finally dead everyone can go back to getting on with their lives right? Haha, no fucking way bitches, because the last shot of this movie is one final egg sitting in the middle of the burnt out Madison Square Garden, and right before the credits roll, that fucker hatches!!! This was obviously setting up a sequel which thankfully never materialized. Most people blame that on the poor box office returns for the film (yeah, it ONLY made over $200 million above its budget) but personally I blame this….

[video=youtube;F-iwsoPNxrs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-iwsoPNxrs[/video]
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That’s right, Jimmy Page whoring out one of Led Zeppelin’s best songs so that moron P Puff the Magic Diddler Daddy could get his rocks off was easily the worst part of this movie and I’m only thankful that it occurs during the end credits. This way I can simply shut the film off rather than have to sit through how awful everything about this song is. So there you have it folks, the absolute final word on Godzilla’s 1998 incarnation but before I go I’d like to leave this with a fat 5/10 because for all the horrible stuff here, there’s a lot of hilarity, even if it was unintentional. Plus, you do get to see Gojira hump the shit out of a building, and that’s worth one pointy Gojira penis all by itself!