Donnie watches TNA 2007

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA IMPACT
March 8th, 2007
Impact Zone

We open with Joe and Kurt in the ring in full gear as Joe is now following Kurt's insane behaviour as the downfall continues. Kurt says DX feels like an entirety away but at DX, Steiner's ass is his. He's got respect for Joe and face him head on unlike Cage, and they're on the same page. Wait, you broke his girlfriends ankle like 6 weeks ago, you deranged bastard. He's going to be Joe's biggest fan this Sunday when he kicks Cage's ass and takes the title, they can solve their issues. He asks Steiner and Cage to come out and settle this right now, and hey, Christian's music hits as he comes out with the crew. Cage says they're a family, a machine, a unit, THEY'RE THE CHRISTIAN COALITION! YESSSSSS. He challenges them a six man so they can beat their ass, so they better find someone dumb enough to help them. Kurt gets the mic and says he's got someone crazy in mind, and he's going to have to wait to find out.

Match#1 Lance Hoyt & Voodoo Kin Mafia vs Serotonin
Mike announces that Raven has changed their names to fit his new plans. Kazarian to Kaz, Maverick Matt to Martyr, and Johnny Devine to Havok. Ewwwwwww, man. Speaking of eww, this is very awful as the faces are different levels of bad or lazy, and the heels are also boring and dull and dead in the water. So, yeah an absolute genius move to run this, Russo. Hoyt beats Havok with a horrible looking F5 now dubbed the Texas Tornado.
1/3*

Post match, Raven comes out and beats them all with a cane for being losers. Kaz now gets in his face and yells at him, but Raven demands his get back down, and he does just that. He hits him with the cane a few times. Oh dear, looks like Kaz's push is upon us.

JB-
-Christian is very upset and asks who told them to get a partner, and Tomko deadpans that it was him. Cage is very mad and asks Steiner who it is, and Steiner says he doesn't look like Quasimodo and he doesn't care who it is as he wants Angle. Christian tries to correct him, but backs off as he might die. He says it's Abyss as they're trying to WORK them like they WORK them all the time. Steiner walks off, and Tomko refuses to go with Cage until he gives him a shot. Cage makes JB go with him.

AJ hype video.


Mike Tenay, JB. SoCal Val, and Leticia are in the ring with a plaque and they introduce an new member of the TNA family in some capacity in the office without naming any actual position, Hector Guerrero! He says God has given him an opportunity to be in the Guerrero family and looks up and says dad and Eddie have inspired him so much, and he'll do what he knows they would have wanted. Abyss comes out before the presentation of the plaque, and Hector gets ready to fight, but Abyss instead hits Val with the Black Hole Slam. HELL YEAH KILL EVERYONE.

Samoa Joe/Cage hype video.

In Cornette's office, Backlund, Storm, Jackie and Sabin are all yelling and screaming as Jim gets more and more grumpy about it. He calls them an island of misfits toys. He makes Storm/Jackie vs Petey/Gail in a Double Bullrope Match for DX. He makes Sabin vs Lynn a 2/3 falls match. He then turns to Bob and makes Ki/Starr a Crossface Chickenwing match. Christy Hemme shows up and asks for a tag match with VKM vs her new team. Jim sadly makes the match before kicking her out.

Before the next match, Lethal does the impression again.

Match#2 James Storm. Robert Roode & Eric Young w/Ms Brooks & Jackie Moore vs Petey Williams, Sonjay Dutt & Jay Lethal
Roode jumps Jay for it and beats him up, and then makes EY fight him. EY won't do it and instead shakes Jay's hand, so Roode slaps him and makes him leave the ring. Beer Money work together and beat Petey down, and Roode breaks out a sick Twisting Uranage on him. He again shows a ton of potential in control with hard shots and good crowd work, and it sucks it takes as long as it does for it to happen. Sonjay has a fun hot tag for a minute or so before the nonsense hits. Everyone fights, and Gail attacks Jackie on the floor. Storm slips in a superkick on Dutt to steal the win.
*3/4

In the back, Cage slowly walks over to Abyss and calls him big fella and says he comes here in peace. HE ASKS IF THAT'S A PHOTO OF MITCHELL, AND SAYS HE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE A FATHER. WELL, NOT REALLY BUT HE HEARD ITS NOT THAT GOOD. AMAZING. Cage says he can trust him as he knew the secret all along and never told anyone, but Sting told everyone about it. Hey, that's true. Anyway, he says Joe and Kurt are just like Sting and treat him like meat, but he sees him as someone. If he's looking for family, he can maybe help him. He says he bought him a peace offering, AND HE SHOVES JB INTO ABYSS'S FACE, AND THE MONSTER KILLS HIM. HAHAHAHAHA THIS RULES SO MUCH.

Recap of LAX attacking Bubba.

We go to D-Von saying they're challenging them to a Ghetto Street fight where no one can stop them from killing them.

Tenay runs down the DX card, and announces it will be Sting vs Abyss in a Last Rites Match. I'm sure that will be a very good match that makes the fans happy and doesn't result in anything infamous being chanted, and something that leads to TNA's darkest era.

The partner is revealed as Rhino. Oh, come on why even bother teasing something cool when it's just a piece of clay that i assume lives in the Zone and bothers all the wrestlers until they pick him.

Match#3 Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe & Rhino vs The Christian Coalition
Good opening as always as everyone is full of fire and giving it their best, and it's enough to work. Tomko takes Kurt's head off with a nasty lariat as he's getting better and better at this. AJ runs down and fights Rhino, but he gets his ass kicked and climbs up the X as Rhino follows him up. We come back with Rhino being isolated, and we see the heels basically waited for Rhino to come down so they could jump him. LOLTNA. Not much of a control seg as it's maybe a minute or so, sadly. Kurt tags in and suplexes everyone as it's his thing. Everything breaks down and Joe lays Cage out with the Buster to show he can do it. Steiner fights Kurt and lays him out with a suplex, but Kurt no sells it and drops him and locks in the Angle Lock, but Abyss attacks for the DQ.
3/4*

Post match, Kurt and Abyss fight, and the big man hits the BHS. Sting now shows up on the stage like an asshole and teleports all over the place and shows up in the ring and beats Abyss up to close a horrible show.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA DESTINATION X
MARCH 11TH, 2007
THE IMPACT ZONE

LAX make their way out and stare down Hector at the Spanish Announce Table.

Match#1 LAX w/Konnan vs Team 3D (Ghetto Brawl)
Not a fan of two non title PPV matches in a row, but given it means 3D haven't won and tainted the division yet, it's not the worst thing in the world. They break out all the classic plunda to start and we get all the amazing CTE pre Benoit shots to the brain as possible. LAX move ahead with cool double teams like an assisted Hot Shot on the ropes to crush Bubba's shitty head, and the big man hits his perfect dive to D-Von on the outside. LAX get more and more violent as DW loses his mind over it, and even more so when they brawl into the Zone. BUBBA BACKDROPS POOR HOMICIDE ONTO THE STEPS AND HE FALLS DOWN A FEW MORE TO MAKE IT WORSE. They throw each other into walls and smack brains with chair shots, and it's good fun as always. They fight back as 3D mount a comeback with a ton of fire and care, and our heroes die for them in return. 3D open some beers and call for the tables, but a bunch of masked goons attack them. Johnny Rodz runs down to make the save and beats them all up. Ci breaks a board over his face to stop him, and LAX beat him bloody. More goons run down for 3D's side and fight the others away. The match resumes as 3D hit said 3D, but a goon pulls the ref out, AND BUBBA HITS A FUCKING DIVE ONTO THEM. WHAT THE HELL. ALEX SHELLEY NOW COMES DOWN AND DISTRACTS D-VON AS CI KICKS HIM IN THE BALLS, AND ALEX HITS HIM WITHT THE CAMERA IN THE FACE AND HITS A FROG SPLASH THROUGH A TABLE, AND CI MAKES THE PIN.
**3/4

JB-
-He plugs a txt line where you can vote for who you think will win the main event.
-Rhino walks on and says he's actually afraid for once, but he's going to calm himself down and think about how to win as gravity plays no favourites.

DW and Mike run down the card, and say the Last Rites Match will have a deathbed the wrestlers will call for, and then you have to put the other on it so it can be raised to the roof where they'll be reborn. OH NO

Match#2 James Storm & Miss Jackie Moore vs Petey Williams & Gail Kim (Double-Bullrope Match)
Big wild fight to start as the faces finally exact some revenge on them with nasty loud rope shots, and some massive bumps for it. Gail rakes Storm's eyes and shoves him onto a chair and rolls him into a lariat!! She then chops the hell out of Jackie as she ties her to the post and beats her worse and worse. Storm eventually takes over and beats Petey down with some fantastic punches and other heel work as like his future partner, he's growing better and better as the weeks go on. Petey also rocks as a punching bag fighting from underneath. Gail keeps Jackie at bay as Petey makes a frantic comeback whipping the holy hell out of Storm for his crimes. Everyone fights on the ring as it gets more wild. Petey tries the CD, but Jackie low blows him and Storm slips in a Superkick to steal the win.
**1/2

In the back, Steiner flirts with a new announcer. He says Kurt needs to be worried about him because he's been thinking about him for 6 months and he's going to find out he's the man. His offence is the best, his defence is unbeatable, and he's a perfect lover. Just ask your wife. Christian runs on and says Tomko is in Japan trying to get his own life in a very selfish move. He's the weak link and he's always been closer with Steiner like brothers. Scotty says there is no them, and he's fighting Kurt, so he's on his own. Cage is very mad, but he grabs the girl and takes her off to the back.

Match#3 Austin Starr vs Senshi (Crossface Chickenwing Match)
Starr cheap shots him to start like a coward and does well for a moment, but Ki fights back and lights him up for it. Tons of insanely loud chops and kicks, and Aries dying on it all. He keeps trying to lock in the wing, but Starr is able to evade him. Starr batters his back and drags his fingernails across it in sick moment, and then beats his ass with a great control seg focusing on the shoulder and neck to weaken him for the Wing. As always, Starr's offence is perfectly executed and mean as hell, and Ki's selling rocks a ton as he's grabbing at it whenever he can. Backlund makes his way out to watch and cheer on Ki, and he fires back with a dropkick to the face and starts beating him to a pulp. Aries gets an eye poke to stop him and drops him with a wicked backdrop suplex that sends Ki onto his head and neck. Aries keeps on him and drops him onto the ropes to knock him to the floor, AND HE HITS HIS PERFECT TOPE TO CRUSH KI AGAINST THE RAIL AND KNOCKS HIS HEAD INTO IT. Aries gets him back in to the ring and finally locks it in, but Ki is able to get to the ropes as Backlund screams at the ref to look at his feet. Aries pops up and yells at Bob for it, and Ki comes back to life and locks in the Wing to make Aries tap.
***

Post match, Bob and Ki pay respect, BUT ARIES KNOCKS THEM OVER AND LOCKS BOB IN THE CHICKENWING AND STRANGLES HIM. FUCK YEAH.

JB-
-AJ walks on laughing about Rhino being out of element. He stuck his nose into his life and he got beat like a dog. Rhino's ego has lead him here, and he's got one more surprise for him left. There's only one way left for him to go, and that's straight down.

Christy Hemme comes out to show her team, but VKM come out and make more gross and outdated jokes about her being a stripper and needing to get back to the kitchen. Again, why the fuck is this a thing and how did we get here for what VKM were doing months ago. Anyway, she brings out her new team of The Heartbreakers formerly known as the Heartthrobs from WWE.

Match#4 Voodoo Kin Mafia vs The Heartbreakers w/Christy Hemme
Nine awful bloody minutes of dull OVW post peak wrestlers and broken down pieces of shit that are still here despite being dead trash. BG wins with a Pumphandle to end my pain.
DIE.

Hype for Lynn/Sabin.

Match#5 Chris Sabin (c) vs Jerry Lynn (NWA-TNA X-Division Championship-2/3 Falls)
Lynn starts the match with his normal Jerry Lynn offence, and Sabin tries to run for it and does ok for a while, but the old man catches him and drops him with a rana and controls the arm for a little bit. Sabin gets a running knee to the guts to hurt the ribs to even it up, and the old man fights from underneath trying his best to get back in to it as Sabin beats the crap out of his stomach. Good mix of offence and shit talking for a time, but he stops trying to win and Lynn gets a nasty DDT to send him onto his head and gets the first pin. LYNN STAYS ON HIM AND HITS A SPRINGBOARD DIVE INTO THE FUCKING CROWD. HELL YEAH. Jerry keeps fighting him and countering any comebacks, but the kid stays in the fight as he kicks out of a ton of Lynn's classics and shows he's got the stuff. He catches Lynn running at him with a gross powerbomb and puts his feet on the ropes to steal the second fall. They're both hurt and get desperate to end it quick, so we get loads of near falls and whatnot, and it's fine enough for what they're going for. Lynn kicks out of the Cradle Shock in a big moment, so Sabin tries the cradle but Lynn counters into one of his own. A person jumps on the apron in a sting mask and distracts the ref, and Sabin punts Lynn in the balls and hits another Cradle Shock to win.
**1/4

Post match, the man gets in the ring and it's very clear who it is, and even DW says he looks familiar. He hits the Angels Wings on Sabin, and takes his mask off to show Christopher Daniels with some bad new face paint. He hits Lynn with the title and lays him out with another Wings.

In the back, Corny says this Thursday he will announce some new happening at Lockdown. Hemme walks on and says this isn't over. Oh come on, please end it.

Hype for AJ/Rhino.

Match#6 AJ Styles vs Rhino (Elevation X)
Again, it's a Scaffold match with a TNA twist on top of AJ fucking Styles being in it and very clearly going to be the one whose going to fall off it. Like, in no world is mostly immobile old man Rhino taking the bump, so it's a bad idea to give this feud the stip on top of scaffold matches never actually being all that good to begin with. They fight at ringside and AJ does his killer dive over the rails and beats the old man up, and in a night of young heels finding their footing, AJ never slips once. They climb up to the X, and we get some terrible crowd shots of fans looking scared. They fight in the middle of the X and tease falling off, and AJ has some amazing saves to add to the drama. AJ CLIMBS DOWN AND HIDES UNDER THE TRUSS HAHAHHAAHHAA. The fans tell Rhino where he's hiding, so AJ moves to another side before he can find him. AJ finally pops up and attacks him from behind and they again fight in the middle as AJ does the bulk of the work of offence and selling. AJ gets powder out of his tights and has it kicked into his face and Rhino gores him onto the X and then stomps onto his hands to send him to the mat in a gross landing,
**1/2

Post match, AJ is helped out by medics.

Hype for Angle/Steiner.

In the back, Angle says the ring is about look like a crime scene when he gets done with him. He's here to help TNA and prove he's the best in the world. He wins and that's what he does. His words and intentions are damn real.

Match#7 Scott Steiner vs Kurt Angle
Slow start as neither man wants to mess it up, and it's fun as hell watching them both get pissy as they struggle to get into control. KURT SAYS FUCK IT AND HEADBUTTS HIM IN THE NOSE AND BEATS HIS ASS, AND SCOTTY IS BUSTED OPEN. Kurt attacks with supplexes and nice looking strikes, and Scotty slowly and gingerly does it, but does the best he can to bump round for him. They fight on the outside where Steiner drops him with a lariat and smacks his face off the steps to take over. Control is slow but good as Steiner takes him apart, and Kurt takes a good beating for all of it. Eventually Kurt fights back and the finishing run these two dropping each other onto their skulls. STEINER STEALS THE ANGLE SLAM AND DROPS KURT ON HIS NECK AND YOU CAN SEE HIS EYES ROLL IN THE BACK OF HIS HEAD. JESUS. Scotty keeps killing his neck whenever he can, but Kurt is also able to weaken the ankle at points. They fight on top and they both a sunset flip as Steiner lands on Kurt's chest and has to flip himself over so Kurt can pin him. Awful ending for an otherwise fun time.
**1/4

JB-
-Samoa Joe is here! For two long years he was locked in a cage being denied what was rightfully his, but tonight he is set free and born again as he reigns down. violence and vengeance as comes for his destiny. If Abyss tries anything tonight, he will make him fall like all the others. THIS IS MY NIGHT. THIS WILL MARK THE START OF MY NWA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP REIGN


Hype for Sting/Abyss

Match#8 Abyss vs Sting (Last Rites Match)

There are ton of the most silly looking tombstones around the ring as well as this next to Sting, and 4 on the corners.

They have a bad brawl to start like last month as they have zero chemistry, so it's bad strikes and boring fighting. Sting at least misses a splash and hits a candle and gets busted open in a nasty cut, but he should be set on fire for full effort. Abyss CALLS for the deathbed and it's lowered down with smoke pouring off in the darkness, and the fans start booing it, AND THEY CHANT "FIRE RUSSO" OVER AND OVER. HAHAHAHHA FUCK YEAH.

Sting is stuffed in the deathbed aka a coffin, but he fights out and we get more lazy punches and kicks from both, and the blood is the only saving grace as Sting's head is covered. Abyss picks up a tombstone like it weighs nothing, but then suddenly sells the weight of it. Goddamn it. Sting gets a chair and beats up Abyss, AND THEN USES HIS BAT TO BREAK THE FOAM TOMBSTONE OVER ABYSS HEAD. Fans are chanting bullshit now, and get more and more upset at this goes on. Abyss now fights back in actual sick moment chokeslams Sting through the deathbed. He gets another tombstone and sets it over two chairs, even though it should crush them with ease. Logic is dead and gone, and TNA is the only thing left. They fight on top and Sting breaks a candle over Abyss' head to send him through the foam tombstone and shoves him into the deathbed to win.
LOLTNA

Sting collapses on top of the coffin and it raises into the air, so he has to jump off. Really sums it up. I would rant and rave like an idiot, but there's nothing left to possibly say.

Hype for Joe/Cage.

Match#9 Christian Cage (c) vs Samoa Joe (NWA-TNA Worlds Heavyweight Championship)
Wonderful start as Joe walks him down with kicks to the legs and shows he's more than ready for this shit. He keeps beating the crap out of him and it's a cathartic moment watching this creepy little bastard finally forced to meet his doom. Joe does the walk away spot and breaks out a kick to the neck and big knee to the face. He boots him to the floor, and a fight breaks out where Cage slams his shoulder against the post and does it again. He runs at him like a fool, and Joe murders him with the Uranagie to slam him onto the floor in a hideous thud sounding moment. and then hurls him into the crowd to beat his ass in front of his people. They go all over the Zone as Joe drags him over and slams him into walls, and even uses the Ole kick to send Cage's head through one. Fuck yeah. They go back to the ring, and Cage hits a DDT onto the apron to finally cut him off and moves into control punching and battering Joe's face in. Fantastic work on Joe's neck and head with all the old classics as he's a perfect mix of coward and smart violent little shit. Joe's selling is amazing as he's purple and gasping for air, but he refuses to fucking die, AND LAUNCHES HIMSELF AS CAGE JUMPS OFF THE TOP AND CATCHES HIM WITH A KNEE TO THE HEAD AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A GUN GOING OFF. Joe runs him down again and beats his face in, and cuts him off now when the tables are turned. Joe snaps Cage's head back on the Facewash, and then kills him with another insane knee to the face. He bashes him more and more, and Cage shows off his incredible selling throughout. Joe hits the Powerbomb/Crab combo and locks in the Clutch and strangles him near death, but Cage is able to get his fingers on the ropes. Joe runs at him again, but Cage gets the Unpreitter out of nowhere for a super insane 2.9 count, and the crowd is alive again. JOE RUNS AT CAGE ON THE APRONG WITH A TACKE AND THEY BOTH FALL TO THE FLOOR. Chrisitan is able to get to his feet first and goes to take a countout, and all the babyface X-Division guys come down and throw him back in. JOE HITS THE ISLAND DRIVER BUT THE REF IS STILL ON THE OUTSIDE AND RUNS BACK IN AND CAGE IS JUST ABLE TO KICK OUT. JOE GOES FOR ANOTHER RUNNING BOOT, BUT CAGE PULLS THE REF IN FRONT AND HE'S KILLED. CAGE GETS A CHAIR AND SMASHES JOE IN THE SKULL, BUT NOW THE REF IS DEAD AND CAN'T COUNT FOR HIM. CAGE SWINGS THE CHAIR AT JOE, BUT HE SUCKS AND SLAPS HIM DEAD AND HITS THE MUSCLE BUSTER, AND THE REF COMES BACK TO LIFE AND SOMEHOW CAGE IS JUST ABLE TO KICK OUT. JOE TRIES THE CHOKE, BUT CAGE KICKS HIM IN THE BALLS, BUT JOE FIGHTS THROUGH THE PAIN AND LOCKS IN THE CHOKE AGAIN AS CAGE IS IN THE ROPES AND HE'S ABLE TO FLIP OUT AS JOE IS HOLDING HIS NECK AND GETS HIS FEET ON THE ROPES TO STEAL THE WIN OUT OF HIS ASS.
***3/4

A classic to close out another mess of a show. Never change TNA.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA IMPACT
March 15th, 2007
Impact Zone

To open the show, Cornette is standing in the Six Sides of Steel. He announces the main event will be a 10 man Lethal Lockdown in the classic Wargames set up. He brings out Christian Cage as the captain of the 1st team, and Kurt as the captain of the second team. Should be Joe after he got screwed on Sunday, tbh. Corny says they have until now until the 15th of April to pick their teams, so they need to choose wisely. Cage isn't happy, so Corny tells him to shut up and accept it's happening and get to picking. Cage tries to talk, but music plays over the top of him to close it out.

Tonight; Team 3D & Runt vs LAX & Shelley.

AJ Styles come out on crutches and wearing a neckbrace. He gets in the cage and asks if this is what Rhino wanted. LOOK AT ME. The doctors have told him his neck, ankle and back will never the same again because of Rhino. He hopes he's happy because he wouldn't want that to happen to him. He brings out his phone and says he can't even call his wife to tell her he's not getting paid and his kids won't be getting fed. So, Rhino can get his ass out here and call her to let her know what he did. Rhino comes out and backs AJ into a corner, and sells maybe he already called his wife. Or does he want him to knock the crap out of him one last time. He keeps demanding to know what this is about. AJ says he now knows Rhino was trying to help him, and he just wants this to be over. The fans don't want to be over, sadly. AJ says he gets it all now and just wants it over. Rhino says it's over, and they shake hands. NAH AJ FAKES IT AND TRIES TO HIT HIM WITH THE CRUTCH, BUT RHINO CATCHES IT. AJ KICKS HIM IN THE DICK AND BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF HIM WITH THE CRUTCH. Rhino fights back and sends AJ into the cage for some wild bumps. Christian now comes out and hits Rhino with a crutch , AND HE HELPS AJ UP AND THEY BEAT RHINO UP TOGETHER. KURT AND JOE RUN DOWN AND CHASE AJ OFF. CAGE CLIMBS THE CAGE AND RUNS FOR THE HILLS. Wonderful bullshit even if AJ faking falling 20 something feet makes no sense.

JB-
-He's with LAX and Shelley (whose in LAX gear)
-Shelley says Bubba aimed a gun in face, but he never got a shot off because his new friends have his back. He used to rob bodegas with LAX, and he trained with Konnan in Arena Mexico
-Konnan says he's getting out of this chair those fat pussies put him in, and he's getting some revenge tonight.

In the back, Sabin is playing video games as Backlund is climbing stairs in the background. Sabin says he's pown noobs in GOW2 because he's the God of wrestling. Bob walks over and asks if they having discourse and excluding him. He doesn't like exclusionary acts. Bob gets mad at JB for not knowing he's training and playing games. He's training and getting ready for battle. HE'S MAKING HIM A LITTLE ANGRY. Bob walks off as Sabin goes back to playing.

In the ring, Nash and Dutt introduce Jay Lethal to the sound of Randy Savage's music remixed just a touch in classic Jimmy Hart fashion.

Match#1 Jay Lethal vs Kaz vs Jerry Lynn
3 minutes of a low level sprint as Jay can only do so much with Lynn being Lynn, and Kaz being one of the blandest dorks ever. Same boring spots you've seen a billion times and it's just not doing it for me anymore as pro wrestling has moved on. Lethal debuts the Lethal Injection to win
3/4*

Post match, Daniels runs down and beats everyone up with a baseball bat. Tenay makes the Sting comparison as we get a shot of his new terrible face paint. Uh Oh.

JB-
-Christian announces AJ as his first member for Lockdown. He's the greatest athlete in TNA who wants to be a big star, and he's going to align him with because of that.
-AJ says that's true as Cage promised him a title shot. Cage is very upset he's bringing that up and says that got him in the feels, and AJ says he didn't mean to upset him.
-Cage says they need to make an unstoppable unit, and anyone Kurt picks is someone he's already beaten. AJ says him as well, and Cage says he totally meant that. He promises we will meet the 3rd member tonight.

Match#2 LAX & Alex Shelley w/Konnan vs Team 3D & Brother Runt w/Johnny Rodz
K-Dawg joins commentary and talks more shit than anyone else could possibly do. Bad opening as D-Von is able to beat up Hernandez like he's nothing, and it's more awful 3D bullshit that just needs to fucking die. Hernandez thankfully takes Bubba's head off with a lariat and the fellas go to work with a fun control seg on his injured arm from DX. Ci is super violent and mean kicking the shit out of it, and Bubba's selling is actually pretty decent. Spike tags in, but he's quickly isolated and murdered in amazing form, INCLUDING HERNANDEZ HITTING A FUCKING FROG SPLASH ON HIM. GOODNESS. D-von gets the hot tag and does more bad power stuff, but the heels make it work with some killer bumps. It all breaks down as 3D finally get Shelley alone for his crimes, and beat his ass. Another goon comes down and fights Rodz to distact the ref, and 3D 3D Shelley through a table to kill him. The camera misses Jack Moody doing something to Bubba, and then Hernandez rolls D-Von up to steal it. Great work TNA.
**

Konnan gets the mic and says they've beaten them in every possible match they've been in. They've taken their dignity and they're going to tarnish their legacy next. To live and die in LAX.

In dark area of the Zone, Raven's goons are yelling at him that they are done with him. Raven screams to shut up, and then cuts a really hard to hear promo as he's speaking through his mask and his voice is even more muffled and terrible. The gist is he's going to make them do the worse things possible to prove themselves. He demands Bentley hit Kaz with a stick, but he refuses so Raven slaps the shit out of him. He slaps Havoc as well for refusing, and says he's helping them. THIS SUCKS.

In the bathroom, JB finds EY cleaning a toilet with a toothbrush. He's very sad and asks to get out of the contract, and JB says he signed it. JB brings up EY's friend and asks if can help, and EY says maybe and goes to call him. Roode walks on and says he owns EY, and JB needs to talk to him. He kicks him out and reminds EY he's nothing.

In the ring, Cage and AJ are standing by. Christian says he's going to show the world his third partner and he wants the world to welcome a dear friend of his, Abyss. The big man comes out as i guess his death didn't take. He stops at the end of the ramp and refuses to get in as Cage calls them a family, and asks if that's what he wants. He tells him to get in and take a spot behind the champ. Sadly, Sting's music now hits as Abyss can never be free of this man. Sting calls Abyss his own team who can see through them, and he's seen the light and he's his own man. Sting says there's one more piece of his life they need to get out there, but that's for later. HOLY SHIT LEAVE HIM ALONE. Cage thankfully says that as well as he never told anyone his secret, and says Sting doesn't care about him and he needs to join them.

Cornette comes out and says he's loves drama but he loves wrestling just a little more. Next week; AJ/Cage vs Sting/Abyss to see whose side he's on. Sting freaks out and then get in with Abyss and fights the heels to close it.

Super odd episode.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA IMPACT
March 22nd, 2007
Impact Zone

In the back, JB is with Rhino, Joe and Kurt getting ready for a six man. Kurt says they have big egos because they take pride in being the best in the world. Imagine when these 3 egos unite as one as a machine whose going to run everyone over in Lethal Lockdown.

Tonight; Storm vs Lynn. Cage/AJ vs Sting/Abyss.

Match#1 Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe & Rhino vs Serotonin
Russo now has me hating Sting and Raven. If he somehow makes me hate Mick Foley when he debuts, i might actually cry for the rest of my life. Anyway, Team Angle runs through these morons for a couple of minutes in a cool showcase for the Lockdown team. Everyone hits their finishers, and Joe beats Matt with the Buster to win.
*3/4

In the back, AJ jumps up and down like a little kid as he rants to Cage that Team Angle looks like a well oiled machine, and he's got no idea what he's got him into. He asks where Tomko is, and says he's gotta wrestle Abyss now. The only reason he's here is for the title shot. CAGE JUMPS UP AND SAYS IF HE SAYS THAT ONE MORE TIME HE'S GOING TO TAKE IT BACK, AND AJ SAYS HE CAN'T. AMAZING. Christian calms it down and says he's looking at the champ and the sides will be even by tonight. He thinks... AJ freaks out again.

In the lair, Raven has the Clockwork mask on as he drips candle wax on Matt's back, and says this is how torture becomes your friend.

In the back, Sting and Abyss are with JB. Sting says hell has frozen over after 5 months of tying to help Abyss. He's not going to need a cage anymore, and he's got one more obstacle he needs to overcome, and he's got no doubt he'll do that just. He takes his glasses off to show a nasty black eye and says Abyss nearly took his eyes out, and he's gotta reach and take the future. Cage and Abyss's futures are even bleaker. GET READY FOR YOUR LAST RITES. Oh no.

In the ring, 3D call LAX to have a talk. LAX comes out as Bubba goes over the history and how LAX has gotten the best of it to protect the world tag titles. Bubba is also wearing a Doom Crew Hat and a Road Warrior Hawk shirt in maybe the coolest wrestling fit a 12 year old boy could dream of. Anyway, he talks about breaking women's necks, used burning tables and put an 80 year old woman through a balcony. THEY'RE JUST AS BAD AS THEM, HOMIE. Bubba says they want their legacy, but you earn it in this business. They open up two cases to show all the tag titles they've won in a really amazing moment as it shows no matter how much they might suck now, they were and are all time greats. He says it will be titles vs legacy at Lockdown. Konnan now comes out and gets out of the chair and into the ring for the first time in months. He calls them stinking gringos and says they don't care about those titles and they won't pretend to have those ones when they are NWA-TNA champions. They fought in all their matches, so he wants this in an ELECTRIFIED STEEL CAGE MATCH. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Until they beat them in this, they can't calm a legacy. Bubba accepts.

in the back, Corny is very mad about this for fair reasons. Bob Backlund runs on and screams he wants a match at Lockdown. He's never eaten marijuana in his life, and he doesn't even know what they snort anymore. He's proud of his condition and he's going to the moon. Corny calms him down and makes him the ref for Starr vs Senshi at Lockdown. Bob points at him for a while and then runs off.

Before the next match, Robert Roode is seen talking to Starr. Dirty Heel.

Match#2 Austin Starr vs Eric Young
Killer 2 minute sprint between two proper freaks going as fast and nuts as they can in the time allowed. Aries even gets a small control seg working the back and neck, and it's awesome even in the shortest version. Roode comes down to cheer Starr on, so EY fights back and kicks his ass to send a message to his shitty boss. EY hits the Elbow, but Roode attacks EY from behind as Traci distracts the ref, and Starr hits the Brainbuster to win.
**

Post match, Roode yells at EY, but Petey Williams runs down and makes the save for his old buddy. He kicks the shit out of Roode and sends him out to the floor. He offers his hand to EY, but Roode drags him away before he can.

In the back, Lynn says he's going to take Storm's beer, drink the beer and then bust it over James' head if he tries anything. He's pissed at Daniels for attacking him twice, and he doesn't know why he disappeared to find himself, but he can take it up with him like a man. The lights go out and we hear Lynn grunting and groaning, and they come back on to show Daniels has attacked him again. He's wearing a long black trenchcoat to make it even less subtle and cool. Daniels chokes him with a belt and walks away as DW asks what Sting has to do with any of this.

In the back, Chris Harris tells corny he can make the choice like a man. Jim tries to get him to listen to sense as he could be blinded for life, and TNA won't take responsibility for him. IF he can get doctors clearance, he can wrestle as that's the best he can do. Harris says his best isn't good enough.

James Storm and Jackie come out for the match, but Lynn is died. Storm snaps and says he's sick and tired of this as he loves to drink beer and beat people up, and he's out of beer. Send someone out here no matter the tunnel they come out of, so he can kick some ass. Some new music hits and Chris Harris comes out to fight, and Gail tries to stop him. Storm and Jackie talk shit, and Jackie calls Gail a no good slut. Gail gets in and fights her for it, and Harris joins in and chases after Storm. HE FINALLY GETS HIM BY THE JACKET, BUT STORM RIPS IT OFF AND RUNS AWAY. Back in the ring, the ladies fight until the refs break it up.

In Corny's office, Gail demands a match at Lockdown, and Jackie attacks her and they destroy Jim's awful office.

Recap of Sting being an asshole to Abyss.

Match#3 AJ Styles & Christian Cage vs Abyss & Sting
Abyss works well as a face as he hurls pesky little AJ all around the place, and it's a natural fit for big vs small with the roles reversed. Sting/Cage rocks as always. AJ hangs Sting's on the ropes to take over, and we get a killer but far too short control seg as our heroes beat the piss out of this mean old man who ruins lives for fun. AJ/Sting is SOOOOO amazing and cool, and holy shit i need more. AJ smokes him with the dropkick and does this amazing mid air spit in celebration. The best. We come back from break to Abyss to cleaning house and hurling these fuckers around, and hey AJ bumps like a total freak for all of it including a GROSS big boot. Abyss takes AJ out with the Shock Treatment, and fights Cage off by himself, but AJ turns the tide again. Sting now finally helps out takes them out, and fights Styles again. Mitchell comes out with a little old woman, and Abyss freaks out and stalks them down the aisle. Back in the ring, the boys beat Sting's butt, but he fires up and batters them as only motherfucking Sting can. He tosses Cage out, and locks AJ into the Deathlock! Cage gets back in and grabs the ref to distract him, and Scotty Steiner runs down and knocks Sting out cold with a pipe to the skull, and AJ rolls on top to win.
**3/4

Post match, all three fight to be in the middle of the ring to stare down the camera.

We see backstage that Abyss and the woman are hugging now.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA IMPACT
March 29th, 2007
Impact Zone

We open with Sting asking someone off camera to explain the scars up and down Chris' body, and how it was already bad enough to see his mother abused for years and years. Or, that his mum had to watch the same thing to happen to Chris. The camera shows James Mitchell sitting there, and he shrugs and says lets says she was abused, does that justify putting three bullets in Chris' dad's back. That makes it ok? Sting is pissed as she was trying to protect their family, and James says Abyss protected her by taking the gun and taking her prints off and putting his own and taking the blame. He did 6 years for it like the big stupid animal he is, and he's going to do what he tells him to or else he's going to tell the authorities what really happened and she's going to rot like the dirtbag she is. As fair he's concerned he can take his self righteous routine and shove it up his ass. He can at least pay for dinner as he's going to a meeting with Christian.

I don't hate this, and i think that's even scarier.

Match#1 Austin Starr vs Shark Boy vs Jerry Lynn vs Sonjay Dutt vs Alex Shelley vs Petey Williams (Xscape Match)
Russo is on fire tonight, folks. Eliminations happen by pinfall or submission, then it's escape rules for the last two. Zero wasted time as they go insane with a million cool spots and cage bumps, and it's nice to see them cook once again. Backlund comes out and walks the steps like it's 1983. Sharky pulls off a massive shocker by getting rid of Shelley first with the DSD. Lynn kills Dutt with a powerbomb to the cage and then hits the Cradle to pin him. Starr goes on a sick run and kills Sharky with the Brainbuster. The faces double team him, and we get some grea bumps as a result. Petey hits him with the CD to beat him. Lynn and Petey fight now, and it's a fun back forth trying to stop the other from escaping as they fight like hell for any chance to get out. They have a fight on the outside, and Lynn smashes Petey's head off and jumps down to win.
**1/2

Daniels jumps put of the crowd and kills Jerry with a baseball bat to the back. The fans chant for him, and DW makes the Sting connection once more. Very funny to watch the fans mess with the plans.

In the back, Tomko arrives back from Japan. Leticia (the new interviewer) attempts to speak to him, but Christian runs on and sucks up to him as talks about how buff and good he looks. His phone rings and he answers it, and Tomko gets pissed and walks off. Cage plays off and says they'll meet up soon.

The Christian Coalition their way out, and Christian formally names Scotty as the newest member of his team. The best and baddest booty daddy he's met in his life, Scotty Steiner. Steine grabs the mic and tells him not to forget the title shot he deserves. Cage gets scared, but quickly tells him to worry about that later. He then says he's going to introduce his 4th member being lead down the aisle by James Mitchell, the Monster Abyss. They come down as Tenay recaps what we leant earlier and calls this blackmail. Cage says it's a pleasure to do business with such a righteous man like Mitchell. AJ cuts him off and says this is only 4, and he wants to know where number 5 is. Chrisitan says he was going to surprise him later, but he ruined it, but he can know now. He introduces Tomko as the 5th man, but he doesn't come out. He finally walks out and doesn't look all that pleased about this. He gets the mic and shoves Cage back as he says he's got a few things to say. Christian made him a lot of promises that have turned into lies, and he plays second fiddle to no one and he owes him a title shot. He doesn't care what he promised the others, he wants that title shot before he joins that team. HE WANTS HIS SHOT TONIGHT. Cage screams he can't believe how selfish he's being. Where is your team spirit. He will give him a title shot, but not until they beat Team Angle.

Team Angle now come out on the stage. Kurt speaks to Tomko as he calls Cage a liar, and says he can kick his ass if he joins their team. Cage tries to speak, but Tomko shoves him and tells him to shut up. Cornette now comes out and says he's sick of the talking as this is a pro wrestling show, so lets settle it in the ring. One member of each team will wrestle tonight and the winner gets Tomko on their team. Corny gets a contract and says if Tomko agrees to it, he can have his title shot. Cage again tries to stop it, but Tomko ignores him and tells Corny he agrees.

Hype for LAX/3D.

In the back, JB is with Team Angle
-Kurt says he's going to be in the match as he doesn't want to let them down, and he's a man of his word and he will back himself up. He's had setbacks as Abyss and Sting were meant to join, but that's not happening. Tomko will be his 5th member. JB asks who the 4th is, and Kurt says some things are better left unsaid.

Match#2 Eric Young vs James Storm w/Miss Jackie
Hell yeah. Only a couple of a minutes of course, but another fun sprint regardless. Storm beats his ass leading to some sick bumps and selling as EY is the best punching bag in TNA. EY fights back with a killer run of offence as he batters Storm over and over. He tries to come off the top, but Jackie shoves him into a Superkick for the loss.
*3/4

Post match, Haris and Gail rush the ring for a massive amazing brawl. HARRIS FINALLY GETS HIM IN THE CROWD AND PUNCHES THE SHIT OUT OF HIM BEFORE STORM RUNS AWAY.

Back in the ring, Roode and Brooks come out and berate EY for being a disgrace. He slaps him, and EY loses it and shoves him into the corner, and Roode dares him to do it so he can fire him. EY backs off, and Roode says maybe his friend can finally help him out. Petey runs down and attacks Roode and runs him off.

In the back, Team Cage are arguing about earlier. Cage refuses to wrestle as he's a main event guy and he can't get hurt. Scotty and AJ fight about selling tickets, and Cage calls them idiots. Mitchell says if he needs dirty work done, Abyss is his man. it's all he's good for, or he's calling the cops on his mum. Abyss grunts and screams about this.

Tenay now hots a face to face between VKM and Christy. Kip is again an asshole and tells her she's standing in his way of winning the tag titles, so back off while you still have some dignity. Christy says she has another team waiting for them at Lockdown, and she has more dignity than he ever will. Kip tells her he's pissed off now, and he wants to stop before she gets hurt.

Match#3 Kurt Angle vs Abyss w/James Mitchell (Winner gets Tomko on their team)
Kurt doesn't have to work hard to ground Abyss using the leg and goes to work. Fine Kurt stuff ripping it apart like a crazed man, and Abyss sells it pretty well. Abyss cracks him in the head with a punch to cut him off, but Kurt no sells it and locks in the Angle Lock. So it's one of those matches, sadly. We come back from break with Cage at ringside, and Abyss in control for 30 seconds before Kurt fights back again and does some bad looking suplexes and uses the Angle Lock again for a couple of minutes. The ref gets bumped when Abyss kicks Angle into him, and then he no sells the leg to go back on the attack. FUCK OFF. Kurt kicks out of the BHS when a new ref comes in, and then gets one of the worst looking Victory Rolls ever to win.
1/2*

Tomko grabs the contract and raises Kurt's arm, BUT HE HITS HIM BAW GAWD. He signs the one with Cage's name on it, and beats the shit out of Kurt. The rest of the tram members run down a massive kick ass brawl. Cage lays Kurt and the rest out of with the title belt, and the heels stand tall to end the episode.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA IMPACT
April 5th, 2007
Impact Zone

In the back, Leticia is with Team Cage getting ready for an announced 8 Mile Street Fight. Tomko says last week was a joke and he doesn't know why they're crying. Cage calls its the swerve to end swerves and it's the best idea he's ever had. Tomko says it was his, and Cage says families share ideas. Tomko demands to know who made him face Rhino tonight in the street fight. Cage says he's got his back and asks Scotty to say the same, but he refuses. Everyone else asks for their title shots, so Cage runs off like a coward.

Tonight; LAX vs VKM. A company wide meeting hosted by Cornette.

Match#1 Tomko vs Rhino (8 Mile Street Fight)
They start fighting the back in a classic come dressed as you are brawl, and it's awesome as they bash the shit out of each other. Tomko shows he can brawl with the best of em as he hurls Rhino into things and throws sick punches. DW points out that Team Cage can bond as a unit, while Team Angle is still with 3 members and in a lot of trouble. Tomko kicks Rhino down a flight of stairs and throws him off a balcony and then smacks him with a chair. What a guy. He keeps kicking his ass with gross Plunda shots. Rhino makes a sweet comeback and rams him through a table, but Abyss comes down and tries to help, but he fucks it up and knocks Tomko out with a chair shot. Rhino dumps Abyss, and kills Tomko with the Gore to win.
**1/2

Post match, Abyss lays Rhino out with a chokeslam. Angle runs down along with Joe and they fight the monster. Everyone runs down and beats the shit out of the faces as Cage directs traffic. Tomko drops Angle with a nasty lariat, AND AJ BREAKS OUT THE SPIRAL TAP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A YEAR TO KILL KURT. FUCK YEAH. Abyss lays Joe out with the BHS, and Scotty chokes Angle out.

In the office, Sabin, Storm, Roode, Jackie and Traci are all yelling about something, and Corny snaps at them to shut up as they make as much sense as a $2 radio. He tells them he'll give them their matches as the company meeting later tonight. Gail runs in and beats the shit out of Jackie on the desk!!! Blackshirts drag them apart.

In the back, Team Cage are partying and Cage makes AJ have a drink, and he hates it. Cage calls them a unit, and Scotty says something that i can't make out, and neither can Cage. Christian says they're going to party like it's 99, except for Abyss after he nearly killed Tomko. He needs to learn to be a team player and clean this crap up. Mitchell tells him to do or else he's calling the cops on Mamma Abyss. The big man freaks out and kills the camerman and screams in anguish.

Before the tag match, Hemme tries to hit Hoyt, but he picks her up and carries her away.

Match#2 LAX w/Konnan vs Voodoo Kin Mafia
LAX run through BG's old ass right away by no selling his crap, and putting him to the fire in amazing fashion. He's old and shit, but he can still bump well enough to hold his end up to his credit. He gets some ok offence in and tags in Kip for a dreadful hot tag as he's even more cooked and washed than BG. One of the goons trips Kip and the rest attack for the DQ
3/4*

Team 3D run down for the save and clear the ring. Bubba gets the mic and says they accept the challenge for Lockdown. Uh fuck me. He keeps talking and drops some awful racist comments like the fat shitbag he is.

In the back, JB is with Team Angle. JOE LOSES IT AND SAYS HE ONLY AGREED TO BECAUSE KURT SWORE HE COULD DELIVER CAGE AND THE REST OF THOSE BASTARDS. HE HATES HIM, BUT HE SIGNED ON BECAUSE HE SAID HE WOULD MAKE A TEAM TO TAKE THEM OUT, SO IS HE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THIS HIMSELF OR WILL KURT FIX IT. Kurt yells that he's not enjoying this as Sting won't even return his calls. Rhino says he bought up a 4th member last week before Tomko turned, so who is it. Kurt says he'll tell them when the time is right, and they scream it's the right time now.

in the back, Kevin Nash gives Lethal new gear and says he's given him an Xscape match at Lockdown. Jay asks about Sonjay, and Nash said he took care of him

"I WORKED TWO MATCHES AND MADE SIX FIGURES ONE YEAR"-Nash

Dutt says he's now the laughing stock of his hood, and Kev says if nothing else he can fly on it.

In the back, JB asks Kurt what's going on, and Kurt says anyone who doubts him will see next week there will be 5.

Match#3 Senshi vs Austin Starr (Submission Match)
Russo, you are a dickhead. Awesome 5 minutes though as they again match up so well and bring out the best out of each other. Ki tries to get the neck, but Aries holds him off and kills him with the insane Tope to the rails to take over. He kicks the hell out of him and attacks the neck with the Last Chancery for a while, and Ki's selling is fantastic. He eventually comes back with wild kicks and knees to Aries, and attacks the neck in revenge, so now they're both badly hurt. Ki misses the stomp and hurts his knee, and Aries swarms him with a chop block and gross back drop to the neck and locks in a single leg crab, and Backlund walks over and throws in the towel for his son.
**3/4

Bob checks on Ki, and Aries tries the Crossface, but Bob fights him off and chases him away. Ki gets back up and yells at Bob and throws the towel at him and leaves as Starr laughs about it.

Recap of Sting/Abyss.

Mike interviews Sting about all the happenings and asks if he's had a chance to digest everything that's happened. Sting says he wants to say sorry to Chris as he never knew it would to any of this. He wanted to set him free, but it's only further imprisoned him, He came back at BFG to live his dream and 6 months later it's slipping through his fingers and he's not sure what he's done. He's going home to look his wife and kids in the eye, but most importantly himself.

Hey, maybe don't fuck with other peoples lives and this won't happen, you absolute dick.

It's time for the company wide meeting and everyone is there. He makes a 5 way Xscape match between Sabin, Shelley, Dutt, Lethal and Sharky for the X-Division title. Robert Roode will face Petey Williams. Jerry Lynn will also face Christopher Daniels. He's not here, but Corny wants Jerry to hit him up side the head for him. Senshi vs Starr with Bob as the guest referee. (We knew that already) He finds Harris and says he wants a piece of a Storm, and he's worried about his eye sight and the potential blindness. However, Chris came up with a great idea, he will face Storm in a Blindfold Match. Nope, that's a terrible idea for a blood feud. He then makes Gail vs Jackie in the first women's cage match for TNA. He confirms the godforsaken Electrified Cage Match.

Team Angle and Team Cage now walk forward on opposite sides of the Zone as Jim says he's now doubting Kurt for the first time ever. He demands he find his 5th member as next week it will be one member one on one with the numbers advantage on the line. Christian gets the mic and says he doesn't appreciate having to be here when he and the boys were about to go and celebrate, but since he's here he's got 5 and they've got 3. Team Cage will not be held responsible for what happens to Team Angle at Lockdown. Corny tells him to shut up, and says the title shots are the only reason he's even got a team and he can't fulfil the promise as he can't pick his own challengers. He picks them, and now he has to worry because who ever gets the winning fall for EITHER team will get a title shot at Sacrifice in May. Cage is pissed and upset and says he's trying to get one over on the instant classic. Well, Angle's team isn't even making to Lockdown, THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND STING IS THERE DESPITE SAYING HE WAS LEAVING, AND HE ATTACKS THE HEELS AND HELPS TURN THE TIDE FOR TEAM CAGE. KURT RAISES HIS ARM TO WELCOME HIM TO THE TEAM.

Lying son of a bitch.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA IMPACT
April 12th, 2007
Impact Zone

In the back, LAX find JB and say they have a big surprise for 3D.

In the ring, Team Angle sans the boss is here, and he makes the big entrance to come out. Sting says sorry for not returning his calls as he coming to grips with a few things, and he now knows he's a pro wrestler that God made him and he loves TNA. He loves this team, but they need 5 and he needs to bring out the 5th player right now. Kurt says he's respects him more than he'll know, but he's gotta do a few things as a man he needs to come to grips with himself. Joe steals the mic and says he's thinking there's a conspiracy here as they're heading to slaughter 4 on 5, and it makes Kurt's road to the title a lot easier without any of them around. Joe says they all stepped up, and he needs to do the same. Kurt tells him not to question his integrity ever again. He swears on the American flag that there will be a 5th man by the end of the night. He drops the mic and leaves.

Tonight. A member of each team wrestlers for the numbers advantage.

Back in the ring, Big Kev introduces BLACK MACHISMO JAY LETHAL. He comes out in his amazing Savage gear and does the Mega Powers handshake with Kev. He then does the perfect impression.

Match#1 Jay Lethal vs Chris Sabin
Fuck yeah, about time we got to see this. Wonderful fast feeling out as they counter each other and show off. Lethal hits my beloved Axe Handle to hurt Sabin, and drills him with an elbow to the skull. He tries the big one, but Sabin crotches him and dropkicks him off the top and goes to work beating him down. Great control seg as he's getting even more violent and mean as a heel, and his shit talk is coming along nicely. Sabin's cut offs all rock as he batters Jay and breaks out some sick stuff like his amazing Tornado DDT. Jay gets the Lethal Combination out of nowhere and then hits the stunning looking Elbow Drop for the massive upset
**34

Mike and DW run down the Lockdown card.

In the back, Cage is very mad that everyone is now happy that they can get a title shot. First Sting comes back from the dead again, and then Cornette screws him. AJ says this is business and the title is the reason they're all there. They've got the numbers advantage and they needs to take advantage of the advantage they currently have. Christian says that was very impressive and asks how long it took him to memorise that. DEAD. Christian says Kurt doesn't have a member, and they need to worry about tonight first and then Lockdown later. Scotty says then it's title shot, and Christian says he's disappointed in them for putting themselves first. Abyss grunts at him, so Cage asks if he washes his mask. Abyss is none too pleased.

In the back, Nash asks Lethal if trusts him now, and Jay says he really does. Kev calls for someone called "Vin Man" off screen, and hey Dutt walks on dressed as Vinnie Vegas. FORGET ABOUT. Nash says it's money, and Dutt gets sad and walks off as Nash says he put a lot of work into this. They leave as Roode walks on and says Lockdown gets started now, and Storm walks on and slurs his words about the blindfold match, and Roode is pissed at him. Roode says it pays to be rude. BEER MONEY. Roode demands EY sit in a chair and stare at a wall.

Match#2 Petey Willams & Gail Kim vs Robert Roode & Miss Jackie Moore w/Miss Brooks
Everyone fights right away, and chaos is everywhere. Roode kills Gail with a backdrop to mess up her neck. Petey fights them both by himself as best he can, but the numbers get him as Roode kicks his ass and lays him out with his Spinebuster. We come back to the heels beating Petey up in a nice little control seg. Gail comes back to life and fights Jackie again. Storm comes out to help Roode, and he shoves Petey into a cradle with the tights to give the heels the win.
*1/2

Post match, Harris runs down and chokes Jackie, but Storm takes his knee out and beats the shit out of him. EY comes on the stage with a chair and chases Storm off. Roode dares him to do it, but he backs off and runs away. Roode gets the mic and says he owns EY or he's never wrestling again in his life. EY drops it and follows him out.

In the back, JB tries to get answers from Daniels, but he shoves him with a bat and walks off. LAX WALK ON WITH RUNT TIED UP AND KONNAN SAYS THEY GOT THE NEXT BEST THING AND SHIOWS HE'S GOT A GUN. YEAH KILL HIM.

Hype for 3D/LAX.

In the ring, LAX have Spike as DW shouts Konna's got a gun. K-Dawg rants about the terrible politics of America and how he won't stand for it anymore. He pulls the gun out and says its a taser gun, and after this he can tell his brothers how good it felt. Bubba walks out, AND SAYS DON'T SHOOT HIS BROTHER. Konnan says they're like the American police who shoot first, and he shoots Spike in the chest and runs away. hahahahahahahahaha fuck yeah. 3D check on their little turd of a brother.

Match#3 AJ Styles vs Samoa Joe (Numbers Advantage Match)
WELL GODDAMN. OK. AJ jumps out of the way of some leg kicks to start and laughs like a jackass, so Joe drills him in the skull with one and bashes his body with nasty kicks and attacks the leg. The best dudes. JOE DOES THE NOPE ON THE DROPKICK COMBO AND CRUSHES AJ WITH A KNEE TO THE FACE. AJ catches him with an eye poke and hits the forearm to take over as TNA isn't giving us much time, sadly. Still, AJ is amazing as hell in control beating Joe's ass with super stiff strikes like forearms and punches, and Joe's selling is killer. AJ gets dirty by raking Joe's back and kidney in a petty piece of shit move, and Joe's back is red and bloody as a result. AJ stays on him and beats him worse and worse, and we get even more amazing shots of Joe's bloody back. The big man fights back and kills him with the Sit Your Ass Down to slam him to the mat, bu he's still messed up and can't fight back fully, so AJ hits a picture perfect Styln DDT to drop him once more for a super close 2.9 count. Joe tries a kick, but AJ drags the ref in front to take him out. AJ and Joe keep fighting and it rocks a ton. AJ slips out of the Buster and tries the Clash, but Joe drags him down into the Choke! All the team members now come down and brawl at ringside, AND BRE WOOO BREE WOOOOOO JEFF FUCKING JARRETT MAKES HIS RETURN WITH HIS GUIATR AND GETS IN THE RING AND STARES DOWN JOE. HE FLASHES FIVE FINGERS AND HITS AJ OVER THE HEAD WITH THE GUIATR IN ONE OF THE COOLEST SHOTS HE'S EVER HIT AS IT GOES RIGHT OVER AJ'S HEAD AND NECK. HE FLASHES FIVE FINGERS AGAIN. JOE MAKES THE PIN AS KURT STANDS GUARD AND SMILES AT JEFF. FUCK YEAH
**3/4



Everyone is in complete shock as Jarrett is SOOOOO happy on the stage, and it's a truly nice moment after his putrid run before he left. SLAPNUTS FOREVER.

 

[BigVanDonnie]

NWA-TNA World Heavyweight Campion; Christian Cage-14/1/07
NWA-TNA X-Division Champion: Chris Sabin-14/1/07
NWA-TNA World Tag Team Champions: LAX-22/10/06

TNA LOCKDOWN 2007
APRIL 15TH, 2007
ST CHARLES, MO

TNA Fucks up a cage despite having the proper on TV a few weeks ago. Amazing how bad this company actually is at even the easiest of things like a cage. Instead, they make this monstrosity of plastic and wood. LOLTNA

In the back, Jay Lethal does another tremendous impression of Randy. BLACK MACHISMO YEAH DIG IT.

Match#1 Chris Sabin (c) vs Jay Lethal vs Alex Shelley vs Shark Boy vs Sonjay Dutt (NWA-TNA X-Division Championship- Xscape Match)
They work legal man rules, which is just the worst choice in a cage match. Fine opening between Sabin and Dutt going back and forth with some chain wrestling and whatnot. Shelley helps Sabin a few times and they seem like friends who would enjoy machineguns. Next few minutes are the other parings doing ok stuff, but never really using the cage to kill each other, so it's pointless to still have this awful PPV. THE GUNS TEAM UP FOR THE FIRST TIME TO FIGHT SHARKY, AND IT'S ALREADY SO GOOD. They hit a double Legdrop/Splash combo to get rid of Sharky first. Jay now fights everyone and fits right in with the Guns as the best dudes in this. The Guns keep working together and mess him and Dutt up as it turns into a tag match, and i need that proper. The Guns ramp up the double teams and get cooler and more in sync, and the crowd loves them. Jay does a fake hot tag and beats the shit out of them in amazing fashion, and the Guns bumps like crazy for him. Dutt joins in and gets a few close calls on them as well. The Guns break out wild kicks on Lethal and clobber him out cold. Sabin quickly beats Dutt with the Cradle Shock to eliminate him. JAY SAYS FUCK IT AND FIGHTS THEM BOTH BY HIMSELF AND DROPS THEM AND HITS SHELLEY WITH THE ELBOW TO PIN HIM. It's now an escape match (hence the stupid name). They both climb on the outside and Sabin kicks Jay into the cage where his leg gets stuck, and Chris jumps down to win.
**3/4

In the back, Team Cage is celebrating and Christian says his team already has the match won. Christian says they're all winners but Abyss, who is an imbecile. Abyss wants to fight them, but Mitchell threatens to call the cops. Christian says Team Angle arrived in different cars and don't trust each other, In fact, as a result of JJ's cheating on Impact, TNA has now given them the numbers advantage. Team Angle has a traitor and has says his name is J-E-DOUBLE F! HA HA!. Christian says he's giving everyone the title shot anyone, so Corny did him a favour. He runs off happily as Steiner screams at everyone to stay out of his way or else.

Petey/Roode hype

Before the match, Roode screams at EY to sit in a chair and not move.

Match#2 Robert Roode w/Ms Brooks & Eric Young vs Petey Williams
Petey jumps him in revenge for everything and uses his speed to send him all over the place, and Roodes bumps are class as getting better and better. Bobby finally cuts him off with a hot shot on the ropes (instead of using the cage) and moves into a fine control seg using his awesome basics, and Petey is the perfect little punching bag for him as he bumps like a complete nutjob for all of it. Lots of fun cut off, but none that really use the cage again. EY stops Roode from using a hokey stick like a nice man. Petey comes back and botches a ton sadly as he's on late on stuff, or misses things by a mile. He fucks a dropkick up that never touches Bobby, and Roode is forced to bump for air. EY finally hands the stick to Petey for him to crack Bobby, and he does just that with some pretty cool shots. Sadly, awful ref Hebner takes it away because he's the worst. Roode counters the CD into a bad looking Alabama Slam into the corner and then hits the Fisherman Buster to win.
*3/4

In the back, Kurt finds Rhino and says he's changing the oder tonight because of what happened. Rhino screams at him that he doesn't trust Jeff, and Kurt needs to find Joe and fix this right now.

Hype for Jackie/Gail.

Match#3 Ms Jackie Moore vs Gail Kim
They fight on the stage to start as this fucking show is anything but Lockdown in a cage. Brawl itself is mostly a bad cat fight as Jackie is old and washed and can't do anything all that good, and Gail can only do so much to help out. They keep having a bad fight once it gets in the cage and there's not much i can say or add. Gail wins with a crossbody off the top, and hopefully we move on.
3/4*

In the back, Bob says insane things to JB once more in the best thing on this show in nearly an hour.

Match#4 Austin Starr vs Senshi (Bob Backlund is the guest referee)
Bob refs the match in slacks and suspenders. The best man ever. Sick opening as always as they do their normal wonderful stuff of smoothness and gross strikes from both as they batter the piss out of each other. They still don't really use the cage at all, so this is another "fuck this PPV" match. Aries takes over with a running knee to the guts and works the ribs, and it would be sick if he uses the cage but lol nope. STILL, really good stuff as always as he can't miss, and Ki is a freak selling everything like death. He makes a comeback with the wild kicks to break Aries already ruined brain, AND HE FINALLY BACKDROPS ARIES INTO THE FUCKING CAGE DOOR IN A GROSS AND AWESOME MOMENT. I'LL BE DAMNED. They fight some more and Aries attacks the knee and slams into the cage door for some revenge and beats him down. He tries to use the ropes to steal it, but Bob sees it and won't count for him. Ki fights back and nails the John Woo, but when he tries the Warriors Way, Aries shoves Bob into the ropes to knock him over, AND HE HITS THE 450 AND SOMEHOW KI KICKS OUT. HOLY SHIT YEAH. Aries screams at Bob, so Backlund shoves back into Ki for a fancy roll up to give our hero a win.
**3/4

Post match, Aries screams a lot and storms off. Also, he ends up being suspended for 90 days for refusing to tape promos for days he considered to be time off. TNA got mad at him and demanded he do it, so he did but the bridge was burnt and they suspended him. Aries ends up requesting and being granted his release, so this is the end until his epic return in a few years. Farewell for a while, you short insane bastard.

In the back, Joe is none too pleased. He demands to know where Kurt was two weeks ago when he wanted to know who the 5th man. If you want to find hm it's very easy, but Kurt always seems to be unable to find him. JARRETT IS A SCUMBAG AND HE WON'T EVER FOOL HIM, THEY WILL NEVER GET ALONG AND HE'S WAITING FOR HIM TO MAKE HIS MOVE BECAUSE HE KNOWS ITS COMING. SO DO IT SO HE CAN MAIM HIM. KILL HIM. AND THE SAME GOES FOR ANYONE WHO GETS IN HIS WAY FOR HIS TITLE SHOT. HE WILL BE DAMNED IF HE DOESN'T COME OUT THE VICTOR. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Hype for Harris/Storm.

Match#5 Chris Harris vs James Storm (Blindfold Match)
So of course TNA takes a true proper blood feud and places it in a cage match where they had their most famous match (and some all timers with New Church and the Nats), and turns it into one of the worst gimmick matches possible to ruin any possible chance of it being good. Like, it's baffling in ways that's hard to truly work out why anyone agreed to this. They circle each other for a while and miss each other, and it's just stupid and bad, and i hate it all. THE FANS TURN ON IT AND CHANT "WE WANT WRESTLING" AND BORING. FUCK YEAH GET EM. They keep booing everything and it's a wonderful moment. AMW finally fight and it's two blindfolded men fighting each other, so uh, it's not good. Storm's mask keeps falling off whenever Harris hits him, so it's not even placed on correctly. Harris spears him off the top and the mask falls off again, and then Harris' falls off during more offence. Harris double legs the ref by mistake, so Storm takes his mask off and hits a superkick to mercifully end this trash.
1/2*

In the back, Kurt finds Sting and says they need to talk about JJ. Sting says the damage is done and there's no point. Kurt says he truly thinks that Jeff has changed, and they're on the same side. Sting brings up BFG and says he and Kurt saw the change in JJ during that match, and he doesn't know what happened but he's a different man. So he can have the benefit of the doubt, but if he screws him he's coming after both of them. Kurt mutters this job sucks.

Hype for Daniels/Lynn. It's all Daniels talking about needing to sacrifice to become what he needs to.

Match#6 Christopher Daniels vs Jerry Lynn
Daniels is now growing out his hair as best he can, and he looks like a proper 1970's mad priest in a horror film. They fight and use the fucking cage right away as they hurl each other into it in a novel concept. It's not amazing or anything as it's all basic stuff, but fuck at least they're fighting like two dudes who hate each other and have a cage to mess each other up with. Daniels dropkicks him into the door to take over, and his control is boring but fine in terms of working the neck and cheating, and it's a far cry for his epic 2005 work. Lynn cuts him off with a sunset flip off the ropes, and it's wild he's doing cooler shit than someone else in a match. They move into the finishing run shortly after and hey, also a fine back and forth with a very dead and angry crowd as a result of the last match. Daniels eventually shoves him off the top rope and hits Last Rites to win.
**

In the back, 3D say a loooot of words, but i am beyond done with this.

Hype for this godforsaken tag title match.

Match#7 LAX (c) wKonnan vs Team 3D (NWA-TNA World Tag Team Championships. Electrified Steel Cage)
They low the lights to a terrible blue one that makes it hard to see just to top this off. DW points out that LAX are wearing gloves and rubber boots to not get shocked, and it's a nice moment in the midst of this. LAX take some killer bumps in the dark for these two old men and it's good as hell as always, but the issues hit as they get thrown into the cage and not killed. Tenay says the shocks will happen at random intervals, which is lame. Ci breaks out the fork to cut Bubba's head open and tries to burn his hand on the cage, but Bubba bites him. Ci gets shocked first on his hand and sells it with a scream, which is far more than it deserves. LAX take over and bloody these old fucks up and beat their asses for a while. The fans finally turn on this one as well as the shocks never actually happen and there's a massive humming sound over the entire thing, so they boo it all. Konnan and a goon attack a ref and try to get in, so Hector jumps off commentary to fight them off. He unlocks the door as Bubba asks for some fucking tables, and DW says he agrees with him. Hector slams the door in Hernandez' head before he leaves. LAX no sell all that and fight the old men some more, but sadly 3D fight back in lazy and boring fashion. HERNANDEZ HITS D-VON WITH A BORDER TOSS TO THE CAGE AND THE LIGHTS GO ON AND OFF AND WE GET A BUZZING SOUND. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THE FANS CHANT FIRE RUSSO. FUCK YEAH. Bubba fights everyone by himself because he's the toughest and coolest. LAX again fight back and Hernandez climbs the cage with the gloves and boots and doesn't get shocked at all, and hey the fans boo it all. He misses his dive and goes through a table and he's dead. Ci gets thrown into it and the hideous buzzing goes off again. 3D beat him with the 3D to end a nightmare joke of a match.
LOLFUCKINGTNA

In the back, Kurt rants like a madman about not being trusted and how he's going to kill Jeff if he screws him.

Hype for the main event.

Match#8 The Christian Collation vs Team Angle (Lethal Lockdown)
-Kurt and AJ are the first men in this.
-AJ bumps around like AJ Styles for all of Kurt's stuff as he makes it look killer, and to Kurt's credit he's trying hard on PPV.
-Kurt takes a header into the cage on a missed shoulder block and he rams his shitty neck right into the fake crappy cage.
-AJ beats his head in with his amazing rights and lefts, and talks some shit to make it even cooler.
-Abyss is the 3rd man.
-Weird choice to go with the cleanup man so early, but hey TNA is TNA and i can't be bothered questioning anything atm
-He beats Kurt up with terrible looking shots as Abyss now sucks, i guess.
-Mitchell comes out to cheer his team, and Harley Race follows him out to stand at ringside.
-AJ and Abyss beat Kurt up for a while.
-Rhino is in next
-Standard Rhino offence means awesome AJ bumps.
-The faces fight back in slow and boring form.
-Tomko is next
-He lays Rhino out with a sick big boot
-AJ is busted open as the camera missed it
-Tomko keeps doing cool power offence to Kurt's ass, and it rocks.
-Rhino is cut open and has the cut punched at by AJ
-Samoa Fucking Joe is next
-He's mad as hell and nukes everyone with headbutts and kicks, and it's just the best shit ever.
-JOE HITS A SUPER KNEE OFF THE TOP TO TOMKO AND CRUSHES HIS FACE, AND THE HE KILLS AJ WITH SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND THE MUSCLE BUSTER.
-Kurt fights back and does lots and lots and lots of German's to Tomko
-Scotty Steiner is next
-He cracks everyone with lariats and suplexes.
-HE PUTS RHINO ON THE TOP AND HITS THE FUCKING FRANKENSTEINER. OH MY GOD
-The heel move ahead and bash the shit out of all the faces with gross punches and kicks, and it's a blast.
-Sting is next
-Woooooo Stinger stings these fuckers with Stinger Splashes over and over.
-He punches Scotty so hard he nearly falls out the door
-Everyone does a tower of doom because 2007 baby
-Christian is the last man in for his team
-He's a ball of fire on offence kicking and dropping everyone, but Sting cuts him off and beats his ass.
-Once again, these two are magic and TNA are morons for not running this.
-Jeff Jarrett is the last man in, looking in great shape btw
-HE THROWS BABYFACE DROPKICKS ON ALL THE HEELS AND LOOKS AMAZING AS HELL
-HE NAILS AJ WITH THE STROKE LIKE IT'S 2005
-The roof lowers as Lockdown begins.
-Everyone gets plunda down from the roof and crack each other with some sick shots.
-JJ gets the bat down and throws it to Sting to help him out, and he does the same for the rest of his team
-HE BASHES STEINER'S HEAD IN WITH A TRASH CAN LID AT LEAST 10 TIMES,
-HE THEN ATTACKS ABYSS WITH A FUCKING PIPE
-AJ kicks Kurt in the balls and then climbs up to the roof of the cage,
-Kurt follows him up and they have a sick as hell fight up there.
-Harley Race knocks Mitchell out cold
-Joe tries to dropkick Tomko off the cage, but he misses and eats shit on the mat
-TOMKO DROPS DOWN AND RHINO GORES HIM THROUGH THE DOOR.
-On the roof, AJ cracks Kurt in the face with a chair.
-Everyone fights on the outside now that the door is open, and it's insane chaos.
-Abyss drops some tacks on the mat, and Sting and JJ fight him off,
-THEY DOUBLE CHOKESLAM CHRISTIAN ON TOP OF THE TACKS.
-AJ AND KURT FIGHT AGAIN AND KURT PUNCHES AJ OFF ONTO ALL THE WRESTLERS AND THEN FLIPS HIM THE DOUBLE BIRD. FUCK YEAH KURT.
-Abyss dumps a bag of thumbtacks into a guitar and tells Jeff to do it for him.
-Jeff lines Sting up, BUT HE TELLS HIM TO MOVE AND HE HITS ABYSS IN THE FACE WITH IT AND HE TELLS STING TO MAKE THE PIN AND STANDS GUARD AS STING DOES JUST THAT AND WINS THE TITLE SHOT.
HELL YEAH
***1/2

Jeff offers his hand to Sting, and Sting thinks about it for a long time and eventually does it. Jeff shakes hands with Rhino and Joe!!!!!!!! Kurt climbs down as he shkaes his head and walks off like a big bitch as Jeff follows him to close the show.