--This hurts.--
Damn. What's going on with me? It looks like every word I hear being said around me is just a shot to the balls. The last time I checked, Raiden Blaze was your very own happy dude, you know, the guy that always came to you to make you happy when you were blue, the guy that would beat the shit out of the person that made you sad, the guy that would just randomly call you just to invite you to go watch movies with him and the guy that would even buy you popcorn.
Then what the hell is going on?
The fact that I'm locked in my own locker room and I'm nearly crying makes me feel rather uncomfortable, you know. I have a sudden need to take my phone out of my pocket and look at all the photos of me I have. Or not all of them, cause that would take hours.
Look at this one. Hell, I remember the story of this photo, it was an August evening in 2010, yeah, Steve, Jim and I were playing basketball for 9 hours straight, we just made short pauses during which we just drank Gatorade, nothing else. I remember that Steve thought I was so sweaty that he needed to take a photo of me.. although, that's not sexy at all, but still, dammit it's me and I looked happy.
Then I have this photo.
Steve, myself and a few more guys. We came back from one of the Adrenaline shows, I guess it was after my debut, yeah, it was after my debut, we celebrated. Drank a lot and stuff. But that's understandable, since it's celebrating, and I'm the typical party boy. Still looking happy.
And then.. there's this. The best photo that anyone ever took of me..
Now, when was it exactly, I don't know. I only know that Jacqui took this one. It was in this very room, after some match. She kept telling awesome jokes the whole night and I couldn't stop laughing. So this photo has it's story too. It means a lot for me. It's probably the only photo where I don't "look" happy, but it defines my happiness.
And what kind of a man with bad luck am I. Having a crush on a bisexual chick, that can only happen to me. I mean, she probably doesn't care at all. I shouldn't care about it as well. But I can't stop! She was, and she is the best friend I've had in last I don't know how long, plus she's a girl. A beautiful girl. Now tell me how not to love her? And yes, I admit that I am in the "friendzone", but that's on purpose, I wanted that.
Everything sucks lately. Except for wrestling, where I keep winning. Plus, the thing with PWA and Claressa and co. is becoming more bearable, so everything is fine with wrestling. And also, with J-Mac in charge, it's gonna be awesome. J-Mac is a cool dude, I talked to him a couple of times, and yes, he is really a good person and he's the best for the Owner/GM position, now when Phoenix is gone.
But back to my life and how it sucks, because it sucks badly. I keep remembering my father, all day, all night. Hell I cry at nights, I soak my pillow with tears, although I know I shouldn't, but still. Yes, I am an adult already, but all of this is so painful for me, with every move I use in a wrestling match, I hear the words of my father - the ones about my bright wrestling future - echo like nothing before, right there in my head. It brought me to his grave. It seems like an eternity since you died, Dad. But it wasn't that long ago. Yet, reading "Spencer Blaze, R.I.P." on your gravestone burns my heart in me. It makes me feel uncomfortable, as if my soul would want to shoot out through my chest, like a bullet. It's a weird feeling I cannot describe. I feel it more and more as the time keeps going on.
But really.. Why all this? What am I doing wrong? I don't think I'm a bad person, but I have a strange feeling that scares me.. like if someone is watching me and it hurts.. oh yeah. It hurts.
--End of RP--