Sky's Good Matches Thread (formerly You Decide What Sky Watches)

[Sky]

Match #18
The Faces of Fear vs. Ciclope/Galaxy
WCW Saturday Night - November 23, 1996​

Halloween approaches, and what better time than now to feature a match from the wrestler called Halloween? That's what the wheel is telling me, anyway. Here we have Halloween (in his less visually interesting WCW guise of Ciclope) teaming with Damian 666 (likewise, as Galaxy) against the Faces of Fear. This was the last Saturday Night before World War 3, and the Faces were set to appear in a triangle tag team match with the Nasty Boys and champs the Outsiders, whilst our lucha friends were set to be among the many warm bodies in the three-ring battle royal itself. Gee, I wonder who's going to win this one?

David Penzer (one of my favourite ring announcers overall) correctly announces these two as from Tijuana. They are, if memory serves correctly, both trainees of Rey Misterio Sr., which is a cool fact. Along with Konnan, Psicosis, and obviously Rey Jr... I guess most of the luchas in the US scene in the 90s all came out of one school in Tijuana. I also have to comment on the awesome set Saturday Night has at the moment, with sliding doors and a smoke machine. Back when it was a B-show rather than effectively a D-show, good times.

Meng chooses an interesting strategy initially, trying to corner Galaxy, use his threatening presence to overwhelm him. Very Meng. Doesn't work as Galaxy keeps slipping out, and Ciclope delivers a surprise dropkick to the back. They briefly manage to stay on top by using double team tactics, but Meng fights out and tags in Barbarian. At which point the two luchas immediately start double teaming him. They go for a double back body drop spot... come on, you know that never works.

Faces are back in squash mode as they were expecting. Barbarian hits a backbreaker so hard that Galaxy sells like he's actually dying. This develops into your average enhancement match, except Meng and Barbarian both refuse to pin Galaxy (who's probably on negative health at the moment) in order to bully him more. That's how comebacks happen. Have you never seen a wrestling show?

And I'm proven right as as Meng makes the mistake of going for a back body drop (and getting kicked in the face) there's a hot tag to Ciclope! Meng's seemingly got 100 pounds on him, but he's coming out at the big man like a house on fire.... until a blind tag to Barbarian and Ciclope gets powerbombed to death. Meng boots Galaxy in the face to thwart the save.

No idea who decided to put a WCW Saturday Night squash on the wheel. It's not a bad squash, but it's barely a match.

 

[Sky]

Match #19
"Adorable" Adrian Adonis/"Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. Bruno Sammartino/Tito Santana
Steel Cage Match
WWF at MSG - July 12, 1986​

The YouTube comments section alerted to me this match's significance before my own wrestling knowledge ever did - this is, apparently, Bruno Sammartino's final ever appearance at MSG. This should surely be a historic moment. And yet... this match contains one of the most humiliating mistake gimmicks ever to exist, "Adorable" Adrian Adonis. You couldn't have found a more fitting fourth? Really?

Also, this will be an escape-type cage match, so it probably won't win any awards. I notice that Adonis is trying to look more serious than usual, with a scowl on his heavily made-up face. Too bad the way he wears his trunks makes it look like he has a micropenis. This is Miss Elizabeth's first experience with a steel cage, according to Lord Alfred Hayes. "Adonis checking out the steel cage" - cut to Adonis outright humping the air. Crowd seems strangely mixed for Sammartino and Santana, with a couple of the kids in the front visibly booing. This is how you treat a guy in his retirement year? Not helped by the fact that he doesn't get music.

Match opens with a heel beatdown which the faces (faces? I can't tell) seem to turn around quite quickly into a relatively even brawl. Savage is hampered by not yet having taken off what Alfred calls his "dressing gown". We get our first taste of excitement as Sammartino's trying to drag Savage away from the door, and Adonis scrambles out on top of him. The referee seems to close the door in Adonis' face, which is something I'm not opposed to. Sammartino then pulls a camel clutch-like submission on Savage, assisted by the ropes. Hey, it's all legal. They brawl and tumble about in the cage door corner before Savage realises he's missing a trick and starts to climb over the cage while everyone's distracted and it takes Sammartino dragging him back in to stop him.

Sammartino chokes Savage with a bit of wire, you know like a respected legend does. Santana's trying to climb the cage but somehow Adonis is able to stop him while pathetically slow-walking to his position. Adonis keeps scrambling for the door like a coward. Easily the best ring work of this so far is Sammartino/Savage, as expected, with Sammartino tossing Savage into the corner so hard he gets tangled up. GREAT sell. We get some really close spots, with Adonis over the cage and Savage at the door, but they're both held off. This time Sammartino's on Adonis duty, and he abuses his opponent's crotch with the ring ropes. Satisfying, in a way, to see Adonis hurt like that. Would rather he's not in this match, but you have to get positives somewhere. Santana's busted open by a faceful of cage, and Savage looks like he's about to go for an elbow drop, but Santana gets up so Savage has to settle for a double axe handle. Disappointing.

Santana's busted open, and suffering badly. And not just from being in the ring with Adonis either. Sammartino manages to bust Adonis open, apparently, not like I can tell. Savage goes for a flying nothing and eats a Santana punch to the dick (probably the gut, but that's what it looked like). Camera work is appalling here, missing the stuff commentary is getting hyped about. Wasn't this taped? Santana almost gets out but gets a fist in his own nuts this time. Adonis successfully climbs the cage, but like an idiot, goes for his own flying nothing that misses Sammartino entirely. Savage is way too slow in climbing the cage, letting Santana headbutt him and then steal his idea as Sammartino goes through the door. At least the legend went out on top in MSG.

This match was... whelming. Would have been better as Sammartino/Savage singles, honestly, would at least mean the camera wouldn't miss everything

 

[Sky]

Match #20
Yoshiko Tamura (c) vs. Tanny Mouse
for the NWA Women's Pacific/NEO Single Championship
NEO Burning NEO Spirit in Summer - August 17, 2002​

Okay, back to a bit of joshi, and two names I can confidently say I only recognise from TEW. What little research I've done tells me that Tamura was the top star of NEO whilst Tanny was a more comedic character. The time of this match is 23 minutes. I didn't think it would take a quarter of that long from the knowledge of those involved.

First of all, NEO made an interesting choice to have as ring announcer someone whose main experience is on airport announcement systems. She legitimately sounds less like she's setting up a title match and more like she's telling me my flight to Yokohama is now boarding. Tanny gets a tonne of streamers while Tamura gets nothing. Guess she's the heel then.

We start and Tamura's flat-footed, clearly not caring about this loser in front of her. However, Tanny wins the initial lockup before starting to go to town with strikes, wristlocks, and eventually an extended grounded lock. Granted, it's not actually offense that Tamura seems to be selling much, but it's offense nonetheless. When Tamura powers out, she goes straight into a Boston Crab and Tanny seems to be in agony by the sounds she's making. Tamura pulls out an interesting take on the cornered boot choke by mounting the corner as she does it. While flipping the crowd off. Points for audacity.

Tanny manages to break out of a camel clutch by yelling and jerking herself forward. Maybe that's the official counter. Which raises the question: what if Bob Backlund had done that? There'd be no Hulkamania, and wrestling would be very different. I get the feeling Tanny's main gimmick is screaming. She screams to apply more power to a series of headbutts, while Tamura is selling her... knees?? Tanny goes for a single leg crab, which she transitions into a cloverleaf/armlock... oh I get the feeling now. The hold hurts so much, that Tamura's knees are feeling pain from the FUTURE. Or maybe it's just weird. Tanny headbutts a grounded Tamura's chest. I like this display of variations of "giving yourself a concussion". Very unique. Tamura yells "Ace Crusher" before proceeding to hit one. Yelling the names of your moves must be a Japanese thing.

Tanny just... collapses at one point in the middle of what appeared to be a transition hold, leading Tamura to attempt to destroy her knees. These women just... really hate knees. Tanny, screaming really loudly as usual, hits a Pounce that just bounces off her opponent. The headbutts continue as Tanny headbutts Tamura who is tangled up in the ropes. She's at her loudest soon after when delivering a rear naked choke, which is seemingly effective as we get a two-hands-drop spot.

A missed headbutt gives Tamura back control, and she complements the concussion that Tanny clearly has at this point by smashing it into the ring post and hitting a DDT. There's a spot where Tanny, with all of her opponent's weight on her, desperately tries to drag herself to the ropes for a rope break, and the referee holds her wrist to do another two-hands-drop spot, but she uses it to pivot to get her feet on the rope! Very creative! Tamura gets airtime on a Northern Lights suplex. The match goes unexpectedly to the outside, where people holding up cards in support of Tanny watch bemused as she gets smashed into the seats in front of them. Tamura forgets to yell "Ace Crusher" before doing one on the outside, which lets Tanny recover and hit a German in the same spot! Notably the referee doesn't bother to start a count-out until Tanny is back in the ring. Maybe he thinks double count-outs are lame. I agree.

Tanny drops Tamura on her entire neck with a series of back suplexes, until Tamura counters one into a pinning predicament. Triangle choke by Tanny! Followed by her getting a bodyscissors on Tamura and locking both her arms! She goes to the top, but then there's a TOP ROPE NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX by Tamura! Tanny goes for a Muscle Buster but can't keep Tamura up. Tamura demonstrates the rare example of a top rope senton bomb where the point of impact is the lower body. Or maybe I'm too used to Jeff Hardy always hitting it on his shoulders. Who knows? Seems we've entered the nearfalls section of this match, as they're going for pins a lot. Jumping Tiger Driver 98 from Tanny!! These are just some really cool moves now. That last one looks like it was about to be the setup for a Vertebreaker, so that was unexpected.

After another choke from Tanny, Tamura's just a crumpled heap. Tanny still can't get the fall though. Another Tiger Driver '98, which she doesn't seem to get all of because once again, Tamura collapses under the weight of her opponent. And she comes back out of nowhere with a double underhook side slam(?), which gets two. I was fearing a Hogan-esque outta nowhere comeback win there. Tanny unleashes a series of deadly slaps, which look as ineffective as you'd expect. Back in the centre of the ring, Tamura hits forearm, high knee, back elbow, forearm, pin.

And that's your lot. Nice match, though I'm not feeling it to an amazing level like I feel I should have. Maybe it's the pacing. Still, you should probably watch this.

 

[Sky]

Match #21
Otto Wanz (c) vs. Bob Slaughter
for the CWA World Heavyweight Championship
CWA in Graz, Austria - July 9, 1983​

Our first time wading into what they call "European Catch Wrestling". And it's also only our second returning wrestler of this thread, with Sgt. Slaughter having recovered enough from the Alley Fight two years earlier to take this booking. And he's going by his first name, I guess. Never looked like a "Bob". I also don't expect Otto Wanz to lose this one given that he runs the territory and that's how it works. But let's see how this is.

The airhorn sounds (guess bells weren't in fashion in Austria at the time) as there's a feeling-out process of about 45 seconds. This gives me the time to notice the rather round shape of Otto Wanz. With that combined with the amount the crowd loves him, I'm getting very Big Daddy vibes. Hopefully he can do more than one move. We're a minute and a half in, only had one lockup, and the crowd is going insane. "Bob" runs the ropes and gets back body dropped. Should have stuck to the lockup, I guess. Already Slaughter is struggling to stay to his feet and getting bullied in the corner. He's a really nice seller around this time, from what I've seen so far. Shame so many people only know him from his early 90s run. He powders out of the ring and waits a 16-count to come back in. Then he gives an elbow to Wanz, which is no sold and met with a strike that absolutely wrecks him. I'm sure I'd find this level of dominance stupid if it weren't so funny. You could count the number of actual moves in this match so far on your fingers, and yet the crowd is BALLISTIC.

Slaughter does come back and start hitting Wanz against the ropes... but he recovers and delivers shots of his own, and Slaughter absolutely clatters back. Again: good seller. A Slaughter dropkick makes the Weeble wobble, but not fall down. Another ring rope assault makes Wanz leave his feet for the first time, five and a half minutes in. The referee doesn't seem to be enforcing rope breaks. Speaking of "breaks", Slaughter's slingshot knee drop makes the rope feel unstable. Maybe they were just less taut in the 80s. He rolls Wanz to the outside, and in the ensuing beatdown it sounds like the referee is saying "Remus, no!". So they're going for shoot surnames too? Chops against the ropes finally backfire for Slaughter, as Wanz tosses him out and then celebrates for the fans. He really isn't doing much. Maybe he is the Austrian Big Daddy.

Wanz starts kicking and beating Slaughter on the outside, none of which the camera catches. Slaughter tosses a (non-folding) chair in without any regard for what it could hit, then attacks one of the staff. When they finally meet up again they immediately take it to the outside again, and I wish I could tell you what was happening but I can't see it. At one point Wanz tosses Slaughter into what I think is a Plexiglass screen. And yet when they get back in the ring Slaughter is again on top. Wanz is busted open and wastes no time getting his blood dripping down his body. A long Slaughter headlock turns into a Wanz hammerlock. Wanz refuses medical help (presumably that's what the referee was offering him) before proceeding to get some worse head bleeding from Slaughter's 12-6 elbows to the head. Including a positively delightful one (and by delightful I mean horrifying) while Wanz is against the ring ropes.

A stomp to the wounded head makes Wanz... get up and fight Slaughter on his feet again. Huh? Big Wanz comeback with a clothesline (now that is what I call Hogan-esque). Slaughter still selling like a champ though. He's punching the air groggily and playing with everything Wanz is giving him. True professional right there. He sells a clothesline by falling forward this time, out of the ring... to drag Wanz out and then smash him against the ring post. One of the benefits of this thread: made me appreciate Sgt. Slaughter. Slaughter scoop slams Wanz but hits a flying nothing, Wanz recovers and gets the running crossbody pin.

This is... a very hard match to rate. On the one hand it's your standard limited hometown hero beats up the invading menace, you see them all the time. And by limited, I mean limited, Wanz doesn't do much here. On the other, it's fun to watch Slaughter sell for this. So... somewhere in the middle.

 

[Sky]

Match #22
Roddy Piper vs. Buff Bagwell
Boxing Match
WCW Bash at the Beach - July 11, 1999​

Been a long time since I rolled a match I knew was going to be crap, but here we are. This is seemingly a perfect storm of things I hate in wrestling. I hate worked boxing matches, none has ever either looked good or been good. I hate "legends" continuing to go while they're clearly over the hill, which fits Piper here. And I have never once been able to enjoy a Buff Bagwell match. I just can't stand the guy. He's awful. I'd be shocked if this doesn't become the new worst match of the thread. Let's torture ourselves.

Fuck me, they got Buffer out for this. He was always the expert in making the stupid stuff seem epic, and that's what he's doing here. He introduces the special referee, Judge Mills Lane. And when I look this up, I learn for the first time that boxing referee Mills Lane had a court show which was current at the time of this PPV. Americans really will watch anything. Piper's seconded by Ric Flair, while Buff's only accompanied by his hat. And an ovation which Tony tells us to listen for, which is nice, because it's too quiet to notice otherwise. "Buffy the Vam-Piper Slayer" sign in the crowd. Buff cuts a promo, oh fucking hell. He notices Piper's man advantage, so he brings out his own second. Judy Bagwell.



Christ on a pissing bike. They then talk for a bit to reference some interpersonal drama that I'm almost certainly glad I missed.

Bell rings, and Piper is the first to actually land punches. Commentary says this will be ten three-minute rounds. I swear if this goes 30 minutes, someone will be hurt. I don't know what to tell you here. It's just guys punching each other for now. Bagwell is first to be downed but sadly that doesn't end it. The crowd chants something that I can't tell is "Bagwell sucks" or "this match sucks". I agree on both. Commenting on both men's boxing form during that first round: Bagwell seems fine, but a bit too flashy. Piper seemingly doesn't know how to raise his hands to his face. Does he have some sort of muscle degeneration? I wouldn't be surprised, he looks horrible.

Ric puts some sort of substance on Piper's gloves, and here's where the sports entertainment comes in. Commentary starts to speculate on whether it could be leather care, alcohol, or Red Hot. Heenan acts like he doesn't know what Red Hot is. This is somehow more entertaining than the two minutes of match that just happened (because it's apparently two-minute rounds, not three).

Round 2 happens, and of course, it's some sort of substance that gets into Bagwell's eyes. Piper "comically" hides his gloves from the ref until Flair can wipe them down again. The crowd are glued to their seats. Bagwell is flailing around, but it's not fun Sgt. Slaughter flailing, it's just lame. Bagwell eventually recovers and beats down Piper in the corner. Round 2 ends. Absolutely thrilling stuff, if you like bad fake boxing.

Piper attacks Bagwell before the Round 3 bell, so Judy Bagwell bites Piper's ear. Because ha ha, Mike Tyson, remember that? Ugh. Bagwell hits Piper with a bucket over his head, punches Flair, hits the Blockbuster(???) and wins by PINFALL(????????). Pinfall in a boxing match.

Yeah, this isn't even CLOSE, this is easily the worst match I've seen on the wheel. Worked boxing matches are always dumb, and Buff Bagwell has never wrestled a good match. Prove me wrong.

 

[Sky]

Match #23
MEN's Teioh vs. Katsumi Usuda
Super J-Cup 3rd Stage First Round Match
Michinoku Pro Super J-Cup 3rd Stage First Round - April 1, 2000​

Finally, something I know will probably be good. The great big interpromotional junior heavyweights' tournament surely will deliver more hits than misses. And as it turns out, MEN's Teioh is the third member of Kai En Tai to appear in this thread. Can't wait until I roll a Funaki match to complete the set. This is also the second match of this thread with the Great Sasuke on commentary! Let's go.

Immediately I feel this should be a clash of styles as Usuda represents Battlarts here, and Teioh represents BJW. Sure enough, I get that as Usuda tries to take Teioh out early with kicks (that miss) and Teioh just slips out of the ring. The way Usuda is moving with those high kicks, he's trying to get a quick knockout here. Very shoot-style. It's a minute in before they actually touch, and then, it's that scramble-for-a-waistlock spot you usually see in Japanese matches that doesn't come to anything. Still, the crowd claps for it. The story seems to be that this guy Usuda is easily outclassing his opponent on the mat early on. Naturally. Teioh's a lot more sports entertainment-y, so his first down comes from a body check and he pops the crowd doing an abdominal stretch. I will never understand Japanese crowds. He does get a similar pop doing an octopus stretch, which despite being a similar hold is a lot more impressive.

Teioh goes for a spinning elbow (I think), but Usuda converts it into a Fujiwara armbar on the right arm! Nice! Teioh has to turn his entire self over to get the rope break, but Usuda manipulates the weak arm to apply a really nasty-looking triangle choke. Now a cross armbreaker on that arm. Teioh gets up and takes a kick to the right arm, but Usuda makes the mistake of going for the good left arm and leaves himself open to a dragonscrew! Teioh does some leg work in the way you'd expect a BJW guy to, smashing Usuda's leg against the ring post and then doing a ring post Figure Four!! He abuses every millisecond of the five count. Back in the ring, he finally hits the spinning elbow for two.

The way Usuda's scrambling for a rope break amuses me, good facials there. Who says shoot style guys are all work and no charisma? Teioh motions for that chokebomb of his, but Usuda prevents it with a high knee! AWESOME counter. Teioh finally gets the chokebomb for two, but HOLY SHIT TRIANGLE CHOKE OUTTA NOWHERE! Somehow Teioh manages to get the rope break for that. He finally finds some fighting spirit, getting a pinning combination that's almost too weird to describe for 2.5. He then gets a European Clutch, which is a REALLY cool pin type. An Usuda left roundhouse kick has Teioh knocked for six, followed by a punt which looks like it misses but Teioh sells anyway. Usuda's kind enough to break what looked like a sure knockout spot, but that's a huge mistake as Teioh gets the Tornado Clutch for the pin and win!

Great match, not too long and full of fun moments. And this is only a first round match, too.

 

[Sky]

Match #24
Sid Vicious (c) vs. Goldberg
for the WCW United States Heavyweight Championship
WCW Halloween Havoc - October 24, 1999​

I hope you don't mind that this time I just picked one of the submissions. Simply because I'd feel wrong if I went through Halloween without watching a match from a Halloween Havoc. WCW's iconic PPV not named Starrcade has been home to some classics and some rubbish. I wonder what this one will be? Judging by the year it took place, I think I know!

This match starts directly with the fadeout from a sign of how WCW was going, Hogan vs. Sting. A match that went three seconds, never had the bell ring, and where Hogan laid down for no reason. Even after the Goldberg/Sid package the fans are PISSED and commentary still wants to know what the fuck that was. Champ comes out first, bloodied (apparently from an attack by Goldberg earlier in the night). Gotta admit that looks badass. Goldberg gets his full entrance with security detail... who do absolutely nothing to prevent him from being attacked by Scott Hall and Kevin Nash while approaching the ring.

The opening bell rings when Sid starts to brawl with Goldberg on the outside. Is this Falls Count Anywhere? Surely not. Mickey Jay is out there too, begging Goldberg not to re-open Sid's wound with upturned steel steps. Goldberg does it anyway. Sid manages to return to the ring and get the edge on Goldberg, where he does those chest clubs that Sheamus does now. You're only half the fella Sid is... Sid, with demented eyes, delivers a minute-long camel clutch, during all of which Goldberg's foot is under the rope, but the ref never notices. Goldberg still manages to lift out with an electric chair suplex for two.

Goldberg spents a couple of minutes just bloodying Sid a whole lot more, blows to the head and neck snaps and all. Sid's pretty much at full crimson mask now. Got to hand it to Goldberg, he knows how to look like a badass and dominate a match. Sid keeps getting up against all odds, until he doesn't; after a bit more domination, Sid drops to his knees and the ref judges him to be unresponsive, awarding the match and the title to Goldberg. Rick Steiner helps Sid to the back, but Sid decides he doesn't want help anymore. Maybe that "half the brain" quote was right.

Yeah that wasn't great. Very little in the way of actual moves, mostly brawling, though there was a coherent story and it's interesting to see Goldberg in what was considered his peak.

 

[Sky]

Match #25
The 1996 Royal Rumble Match
WWF Royal Rumble - January 21, 1996​

This was one of the earliest matches of the wheel, and one I was looking forward to, because, well, it's a Rumble. Those are always fun, with some rare exceptions (both of this year's). This is going to be a very different sort of writeup, because I'm going to bold all the entrants so you can keep track more easily. It's also by a mile going to be the longest match I've watched for this thread so far. Let's get started!

We get a few soundbites from some of the stars about how they are going to win the Rumble. Owen Hart, Jake Roberts, Jerry Lawler, Barry Horowitz(???), Vader (with Jim Cornette incredibly hyped for his first WWF match) and Shawn Michaels. Shawn in particular talks about his Boyhood Dream, wonder if that's going to be relevant. Commentators Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect (god if that isn't a New Generation-era booth) remind us that two of the spots are already decided, as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese beat Hunter Hearst Helmsley in a pre-show match where the winner got number 30 and the loser got number 1. That should be a thing more often. Sure, you don't get number 30 surprises, but surprises are overrated.

Number 1 - Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Number 2 - Henry O. Godwinn

They really loved going for the snobs vs. slobs angle with early HHH, huh? Godwinn, a man Hunter has feuded with already, and then Droese. Maybe that's how he got the idea to reinvent himself into a guy who does dirty jokes. HOG's theme is very obviously dubbed over. Was he with Hillbilly Jim at the time? I don't remember. HHH is aggressive out the gates but he loses his advantage to a clothesline. He dodges elimination a couple of times before trying to tear apart the pig man's face, yeesh.

Number 3 - Bob Backlund

Oh yeah, Bob Backlund's presidential run was another stupid thing to come out of WWF in 1995. He does a bit of good, at least, by going after HOG right away. They keep stopping each other from getting eliminations - I know it's every man for himself, but whatever happened to pragmatism?

Number 4 - Jerry "The King" Lawler

I'm so happy that this guy isn't on commentary. Speaking of commentary, Vince telegraphs that Lawler will betray someone. Burger King chants Lawler gets the slop bucket and tries to use it on HOG, but the pig man gets it and the threat of being covered in slurry sends everyone else out the ring. He throws it into the crowd of scared heels and it mostly hits Lawler. Deserved.

Number 5 - Bob "Spark Plug" Holly
Number 6 - King Mabel

This is starting to feel like a greatest hits album of rubbish New Generation gimmicks. Holly in racing driver mode goes for Lawler, which is certainly a choice. HHH, Lawler and then new entrant Mabel target HOG. Who says the nobility is out of touch with what the people want?

Number 7 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Jake's new snake becomes the second thing to clear the ring, until he turns it on Lawler. Yet another weird New Generation thing as Roberts is a preacher at this point, which did no good for anyone except give Steve Austin a catchphrase.

Number 8 - Dory Funk Jr.

Commentary calls this as "Mr. Funk from the famous Funk family", seemingly to get the fans' hopes up that they were seeing Terry. As Vince tells us, he's in Germany with Bruce Willis(???). This is such a weird one-off. Lawler is hiding under the ring. Crowd calls for a DDT but Roberts doesn't give it to anyone.

Number 9 - Yokozuna

After 12 minutes and nine entrants, Yoko somehow gets the first elimination by dumping Backlund. Mabel does a corner splash that hits both Yoko and HOG behind him. That should surely be death, being crushed behind a literal ton of blubber. Holly hits a sick standing rana on HOG, which the camera mostly misses because it's focusing on Mabel and Yoko. I did not know Holly could do that.

Number 10 - The 1-2-3 Kid

Kid's out, but already fleeing because he's being chased down by an angry Razor Ramon, whom he cost the IC Title earlier in the night! Okay, that was hype. Security fails to keep Razor at bay, but Mabel does not. Kid takes Funk's spinning fireman's carry move.

Number 11 - Takao Omori

Okay, THIS is a weird choice. An AJPW guy who isn't really here for any reason other than to be a warm body. I think HOG got eliminated in the middle of that Kid/Razor chase and I missed it. He teams up with Funk to topple Mabel. Yoko looks GASSED already. Jake gets a big pop from attacking Yoko.

Number 12 - Savio Vega

Vega is described as a potential difference maker, which shows where the main event scene was at the time. He heads for Mabel, hitting a spinning kick which sets the big bastard right up for Yoko to eliminate him. Meanwhile, Roberts is being tumbled out, but he clings on to the ropes and eliminates Omori instead!

Number 13 - Vader

Here's the big debut! Cornette is bringing only his FANCIEST racket to this occasion. Dory Funk is eliminated by Vega, who's on the outside, so Vader is kind enough to snap Vega back in to the ring. Good guy mastodon.

Number 14 - Doug Gilbert



They literally got one of their USWA guys in to fill a spot. Shame Lawler's still hiding, then Gilbert could have told everyone that Lawler raped a little girl a few years early. Absolute silence. Camera misses a crowd-popping DDT because it's too busy focusing on Holly trying and failing to eliminate Kid. Vader gives Roberts a lariat and he sells it so hard he gets eliminated Vader's just bullying Gilbert, shocked he hasn't been eliminated already.

Number 15 - Squat Teamer #1
Number 16 - Squat Teamer #2

AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING, as WWF, having seen tapes of the Headhunters in Japan or something, brings them both in completely cold with a worse name to work this Rumble. Vader kills Gilbert off before quickly eliminating the first Squat Teamer before the second can come in. The second meets the first at the entranceway and they come back in together. Vader and Yoko, clearly unimpressed at this display of cheating, toss them both, and thus ends the Squat Team. "Can you believe HHH is still in this match?" -Vince. I can, actually, because he's easily in the top 50% of star power we've seen so far, even in 1996.

Number 17 - Owen Hart

Can you believe it's been 4 entrants since we got a name that's recognisable in the annals of WWF history? Here's Owen to rectify that. He's shot in low angle so he looks taller, because in the old WWF, being tall was everything. He focuses on Holly while Vega dropkicks Vader like the moron he apparently is and gets murdered.

Number 18 - Shawn Michaels

The winner of the previous Rumble comes in, and his first targets are his backstage pals Kid and Hunter. He then remembers he's meant to be feuding with Owen Hart and attacks Owen. Vega gets eliminated offscreen. Vader gets unmasked and brawls with Yoko, near the ropes, until HBK comes in and eliminates them both! Crowd goes BALLISTIC! Kid's gone too! Vader and Yoko continue to fight.

Number 19 - Hakushi

Camera misses Hakushi's entrance mostly, as it's dealing with Vader antics. He seemingly doesn't know he's been eliminated, goes back in and starts attacking HBK. His strikes don't look too effective, though. His UWFi run this is not. HBK gets tossed over the top rope, being eliminated early! Actually, apparently he's not been eliminated because he's been tossed by Vader, not a legal man. So you have to be thrown over by a legal wrestler to be eliminated. Guess any of the celebrities who eliminated themselves are still in their respective Rumbles. Where's the #DrewCareyMania hashtag? Bob Holly survives thanks to the same rule. It takes Gorilla Monsoon to remove Vader.

Number 20 - Tatanka
Number 21 - Aldo Montoya

Second consecutive entrance is missed as Tatanka coming in jobs to HBK tossing Cornette out. Hakushi hits a really cool corner back elbow. He then gets eliminated by Owen Hart mid-Montoya entrance. HBK discovers Lawler under the ring, after what felt like 30 solid minutes of him hiding there. Lawler gets eliminated around the same time as Montoya does.

Number 22 - Diesel

I hear Kevin Nash loves Rumbles too, as he has to do even fewer moves than usual. After he tosses Tatanka, we get another every-man-for-himself moment as HBK and Diesel start fighting each other. Sure, it doesn't last, but still.

Number 23 - "Supreme Fighting Machine" Kama

And just when I thought we'd tossed all the bad New Generation gimmicks, here comes Charles Wright doing fake MMA. A double team spot with HBK/Diesel against Kama backfires when Diesel decks his friend. That's fun. How is Bob Holly still in this?

Number 24 - The Ringmaster



This is the first PPV glimpse we saw of one of the biggest stars WWE has ever had - and it's with a shit gimmick. Who had the idea of packaging Steve Austin, who would be known as a great pure brawler, as a mat technician? At least he finally eliminates Bob Holly. Shawn Michaels has spent more time being inches from elimination than doing anything else.

Number 25 - Barry Horowitz

I just noticed he comes out to fucking Hava Nagila No idea why they didn't have this guy at Maccabiah Mania, he was available and one of the few successful Jewish wrestlers at the time. And Helmsley's finally gone, after what is an official time of 48 minutes. That is what I call a marathon run.

Number 26 - Fatu

I'm losing count of the bad gimmicks of this era, as we now have "Make a Difference" Fatu. They've been plugging the Superstar Line all night, because this was the hotline era. Apparently Raymond Rougeau, of all people, is manning the phones. Barry Horowitz thinks he can take HBK and Owen Hart at the same time, which is cute. Owen's got HBK in a suplex lift, and Hennig implores Owen to "drop him on his head"... Yikes.

Number 27 - Isaac Yankem, D.D.S.
Number 28 - Marty Jannetty

There's just so... many... shit... gimmicks. And Horowitz is gone. Owen Hart's elimination happens entirely in picture-in-picture. Austin decks HBK and then does his pose "Kama, trying to get Shawn Michaels out", says Vince as Kama is on the other side of the ring. Kama, Fatu, what's the difference. We get a brief nostalgia Rockers brawl which leads to a double down.

Number 29 - The British Bulldog

Vince acts like, since Number 30 is known, then Number 29 has to be certain. To be fair to him, Davey Boy is the only guy with any name value that remained unaccounted for tonight. We get Diana Hart-cam before Davey Boy tossess Jannetty. Austin fails to headbutt a Samoan, and gets tossed by Fatu (which, apparently, was an accident as he failed to grab the ropes). Fatu then gets tossed by the dentist.

Number 30 - Duke "The Dumpster" Droese

The final lineup in this match: HBK/Davey Boy on the outside, Diesel/Kama, and Yankem/Droese in a battle of the awful gimmicks. Davey Boy tries to eliminate Yankem, but Diesel stops him so HBK can get it. A fitting metaphor. Droese gone, so the final four is HBK, the Bulldog, Diesel, and... Kama. HBK does a slide under Bulldog's legs and clotheslines him out, which is cool. Diesel tosses Kama, but Michaels quickly gets Diesel over with the Sweet Chin Music! HBK/Hart (it looks like) at WM12. An angry Diesel beats up Bulldog some more, threatens Doc Hendrix (based), and comes back to congratulate Shawn (and apparently prevent him from stripping naked). Reminder that Michaels went over the top rope earlier, though. #JusticeForDiesel #Nashamania

And that's your Rumble! It was fun, as most Rumbles are, but it's not exactly the best one, given the lack of star power and lightness on memorable moments. There's worse ways you can spend about an hour, though. Oh yeah, and Waltman is our third returning wrestler. I'm going to start keeping track of appearance counts, because tracking returning wrestlers is fun.

 

[Chris]

Nice I think I suggested this one specifically bc of the lack of star power lol and of course it was fun despite that too

 

[Bobby Barrows]

In complete fairness to Steve Austin, he was a great mat technician for the majority of his career. The only reason he was more famous as a brawler was because he got big after the Owen Hart neck injury that severely limited his in-ring abilities.

Austin in 1992-1996 was one of the best pure technicians in America, behind Bret, Macho, Steamboat, and Flair.

 

[Sky]

Match #26
"Hacksaw" Jim Duggan vs. Maxx Muscle
WCW Worldwide - March 22, 1997​

I was confused when there was one WCW squash on the wheel. Why are there two? And to make matters worse, a Jim Duggan squash. Jim Duggan has to be one of my least favourite wrestlers, I can't recall actually seeing a good match from him. This won't be the one.

Maxx Muscle is apparently just "Maxx". Crowd is hot for Duggan (well, as hot as a non-paying Universal crowd can be) for no reason other than having an American flag. He starts a USA chant and has to be blocked by the referee from swinging his 2x4. He does a shitty lockup with Maxx, does some facials, then starts another USA chant. Another shitty lockup, but this time he shouts "HOOO". Maxx tanks a clothesline then gets Standard Heat Segment (rope choke, some punches, a chinlock). Duggan fights out, and topples him with an uppercut. Maxx gets an edge for a bit after brawling on the outside, but Duggan awkwardly tapes up his fists, punches Maxx with the roll of tape still on his fist, and gets the three.

Yeah that was shit. That went just over three minutes and contained basically no actual moves. Please don't send me more Jim Duggan.

 

[Sky]

Match #27
Shuji Kondo vs. SAITO
Toryumon Japan: La Gran Pelea - October 28, 2001​

Cool, an actual match. This is apparently SAITO's last match before he debuted the gimmick he'd be best known as (that being Super Shisa). Had he already invented the Yoshi Tonic around this time? Pretty sure he had.

During the initial scramble-to-get-a-waistlock exchange that seems to be in all the Japanese matches I watched so far, commentary is talking about Goldberg's Jackhammer and WCW for some reason. No idea why. We get a cool exchange of holds as Kondo's working SAITO's left leg, SAITO grabs Kondo's left arm and hyperextends it with his right leg.... which allows Kondo to grab the right leg and work that too! I don't know how SAITO is able to stand, let alone do the Irish whip leapfrog-dodge. He does get a really impractical-looking headstand leglock which looks impressive nonetheless. The mystery of this man's knees continues as he hits a standing rolling senton. Maybe it's just because it's early in the match. We all know holds matter more if they're done later.

SAITO delivers some chops that really ring out. Hip toss into attempted cross-arm breaker, but SAITO can't extend the arm. Kondo's busting out holds I literally have never seen before. Butterfly suplex into another really impractical looking headstand, this time as a pin attempt. One example of Kondo's unexpected holds: he's on his knees, back-to-back, with SAITO's back over his shoulder, cranking SAITO's neck and jerking the inside arm. Does that have a name? Octopus stretch is countered into a SAITO sunset flip. Then Kondo seems to flip himself into a second sunset flip. Odd. SAITO looks like he's setting up for a C4 but instead rolls through into a pinning predicament. Another seeming C4 attempt just lets Kondo lock in a hammerlock.

Kondo clotheslines SAITO so hard he lands on his head. Kondo seems to be setting up a brainbuster but SAITO rolls through for an inside cradle... and handstands again! Why? He then jumps right into a Kondo powerbomb. Must be enthusiastic to be hurt. Suddenly, a Spear and Jackhammer (oh, that's why) from Kondo, and this is done.

Pretty nice match, not sure if it sold me as much as I should as it often felt like just a collection of moves. Still, better than Jim Duggan.

 

[Sky]

Match #28
Mr. McMahon vs. Stephanie McMahon
Loser Resigns I Quit Match
WWE No Mercy - October 19, 2003​

I'll start with a shoutout to @Deezy who suggested this. In fact, technically the first ever suggestion in this thread. He jumped right to "You know what Sky will like? Child abuse!". Thanks, Deezy. Anyway, the story of this is apparently Stephanie made a decision without Vince approving so Vince flipped his shit and decided he wanted to beat the shit out his own daughter on pay-per-view. WWE was an interesting place to be in 2003. This sort of McMahon feuding was what won the Most Disgusting Promotional Tactic award for 2003. Just saying.

All Grown Up is somehow even worse than what Stephanie's current theme is now. Cole on commentary mentions that Stephanie can also win by pinfall, which is a strange decision to make if you're Vince. Maybe he just REALLY wanted to beat up his daughter. Sable gets her own entrance for no good reason. Vince walks like he's in a rubber suit or has just shit himself. Or both. Linda, out with Stephanie, really does not want this to happen. Stephanie separates them and Vince decks HIS OWN DAUGHTER from behind. That's how the match starts. Quality family programming.

Vince shit talks Linda on the outside and Stephanie jumps on his back. This just gets her hair-tossed. Commentary mentions the logical solution to all this madness - if Vince didn't like what Stephanie was doing as SmackDown GM, he could have just fired her. Revealing that Vince in-character is not just an awful piece of shit, but illogical with it. As in real life. With everything he does, he looks back at Linda making sure that his wife did indeed just see that. Vince rope-chokes Stephanie in front of Sable, then Sable gets a slap in and Stephanie just collapses. Deadliest slap in wrestling. Linda tries to confront Sable, but Vince blocks her. HUGE asshole chants.

That one kick-catch spot happens, but Stephanie can't do an enzuigiri so she's just hopping helplessly until she gets decked. Single-leg Boston Crab by Vince, and Stephanie's screaming is even more grating than her voice during Authority promos. She knows how to sell a choke like she's actually suffocating, though... Maybe Vince was shoot choking her. His own daughter. Sable passes in a lead pipe, Linda attacks Sable then smacks Vince, allowing Stephanie to get in an uppercut right to her father's nuts. Then lead pipe to the very same plums! Somehow, this only gets two. Crowd was HOT for this. More shots with the lead pipe, even a top rope shot to the head, only gets two again after a rope break.

Sable argues with the referee, which somehow distracts Stephanie. She dodges Vince's charge so he hits Sable, and a bulldog gets another two count. She's about to get the deathblow until Vince starts choking her again. A few Vince lead pipe shots, and then a choke with the lead pipe, and Stephanie submits on Linda's behalf.

I feel dirty watching that. That was a deeply uncomfortable watch, but it was the Entertainment part of Sports Entertainment in its purest form, and the crowd were RABID. Unfortunately, I can't call it anything approaching "acceptable" due to that ending, which is just Vince stroking his own ego after surviving shots that actual wrestlers could never. This is going to take me a while to rate...

 

[Chris]

Had me curious what/if ol' Dave rated that one so I looked it up and

**3/4 wow

 

[Rosie]

Had me curious what/if ol' Dave rated that one so I looked it up and

**3/4 wow

...

Was the fact it was family abuse... did it add or remove an extra quarter star?