Match #25
The 1996 Royal Rumble Match
WWF Royal Rumble - January 21, 1996
This was one of the earliest matches of the wheel, and one I was looking forward to, because, well, it's a Rumble. Those are always fun, with some rare exceptions (both of this year's). This is going to be a very different sort of writeup, because I'm going to bold all the entrants so you can keep track more easily. It's also by a mile going to be the longest match I've watched for this thread so far. Let's get started!
We get a few soundbites from some of the stars about how they are going to win the Rumble. Owen Hart, Jake Roberts, Jerry Lawler, Barry Horowitz(???), Vader (with Jim Cornette incredibly hyped for his first WWF match) and Shawn Michaels. Shawn in particular talks about his Boyhood Dream, wonder if that's going to be relevant. Commentators Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect (god if that isn't a New Generation-era booth) remind us that two of the spots are already decided, as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese beat Hunter Hearst Helmsley in a pre-show match where the winner got number 30 and the loser got number 1. That should be a thing more often. Sure, you don't get number 30 surprises, but surprises are overrated.
Number 1 - Hunter Hearst Helmsley
Number 2 - Henry O. Godwinn
They really loved going for the snobs vs. slobs angle with early HHH, huh? Godwinn, a man Hunter has feuded with already, and then Droese. Maybe that's how he got the idea to reinvent himself into a guy who does dirty jokes. HOG's theme is very obviously dubbed over. Was he with Hillbilly Jim at the time? I don't remember. HHH is aggressive out the gates but he loses his advantage to a clothesline. He dodges elimination a couple of times before trying to tear apart the pig man's face, yeesh.
Number 3 - Bob Backlund
Oh yeah, Bob Backlund's presidential run was another stupid thing to come out of WWF in 1995. He does a bit of good, at least, by going after HOG right away. They keep stopping each other from getting eliminations - I know it's every man for himself, but whatever happened to pragmatism?
Number 4 - Jerry "The King" Lawler
I'm so happy that this guy isn't on commentary. Speaking of commentary, Vince telegraphs that Lawler will betray someone. Burger King chants
Lawler gets the slop bucket and tries to use it on HOG, but the pig man gets it and the threat of being covered in slurry sends everyone else out the ring. He throws it into the crowd of scared heels and it mostly hits Lawler. Deserved.
Number 5 - Bob "Spark Plug" Holly
Number 6 - King Mabel
This is starting to feel like a greatest hits album of rubbish New Generation gimmicks. Holly in racing driver mode goes for Lawler, which is certainly a choice. HHH, Lawler and then new entrant Mabel target HOG. Who says the nobility is out of touch with what the people want?
Number 7 - Jake "The Snake" Roberts
Jake's new snake becomes the second thing to clear the ring, until he turns it on Lawler. Yet another weird New Generation thing as Roberts is a preacher at this point, which did no good for anyone except give Steve Austin a catchphrase.
Number 8 - Dory Funk Jr.
Commentary calls this as "Mr. Funk from the famous Funk family", seemingly to get the fans' hopes up that they were seeing Terry. As Vince tells us, he's in Germany with Bruce Willis(???). This is such a weird one-off. Lawler is hiding under the ring. Crowd calls for a DDT but Roberts doesn't give it to anyone.
Number 9 - Yokozuna
After 12 minutes and nine entrants, Yoko somehow gets the first elimination by dumping Backlund. Mabel does a corner splash that hits both Yoko and HOG behind him. That should surely be death, being crushed behind a literal ton of blubber. Holly hits a sick standing rana on HOG, which the camera mostly misses because it's focusing on Mabel and Yoko. I did not know Holly could do that.
Number 10 - The 1-2-3 Kid
Kid's out, but already fleeing because he's being chased down by an angry Razor Ramon, whom he cost the IC Title earlier in the night! Okay, that was hype. Security fails to keep Razor at bay, but Mabel does not. Kid takes Funk's spinning fireman's carry move.
Number 11 - Takao Omori
Okay, THIS is a weird choice. An AJPW guy who isn't really here for any reason other than to be a warm body. I think HOG got eliminated in the middle of that Kid/Razor chase and I missed it. He teams up with Funk to topple Mabel. Yoko looks GASSED already. Jake gets a big pop from attacking Yoko.
Number 12 - Savio Vega
Vega is described as a potential difference maker, which shows where the main event scene was at the time. He heads for Mabel, hitting a spinning kick which sets the big bastard right up for Yoko to eliminate him. Meanwhile, Roberts is being tumbled out, but he clings on to the ropes and eliminates Omori instead!
Number 13 - Vader
Here's the big debut! Cornette is bringing only his FANCIEST racket to this occasion. Dory Funk is eliminated by Vega, who's on the outside, so Vader is kind enough to snap Vega back in to the ring. Good guy mastodon.
Number 14 - Doug Gilbert
They literally got one of their USWA guys in to fill a spot. Shame Lawler's still hiding, then Gilbert could have told everyone that Lawler raped a little girl a few years early. Absolute silence. Camera misses a crowd-popping DDT because it's too busy focusing on Holly trying and failing to eliminate Kid. Vader gives Roberts a lariat and he sells it so hard he gets eliminated
Vader's just bullying Gilbert, shocked he hasn't been eliminated already.
Number 15 - Squat Teamer #1
Number 16 - Squat Teamer #2
AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING, as WWF, having seen tapes of the Headhunters in Japan or something, brings them both in completely cold with a worse name to work this Rumble. Vader kills Gilbert off before quickly eliminating the first Squat Teamer before the second can come in. The second meets the first at the entranceway and they come back in together. Vader and Yoko, clearly unimpressed at this display of cheating, toss them both, and thus ends the Squat Team. "Can you believe HHH is still in this match?" -Vince. I can, actually, because he's easily in the top 50% of star power we've seen so far, even in 1996.
Number 17 - Owen Hart
Can you believe it's been 4 entrants since we got a name that's recognisable in the annals of WWF history? Here's Owen to rectify that. He's shot in low angle so he looks taller, because in the old WWF, being tall was everything. He focuses on Holly while Vega dropkicks Vader like the moron he apparently is and gets murdered.
Number 18 - Shawn Michaels
The winner of the previous Rumble comes in, and his first targets are his backstage pals Kid and Hunter. He then remembers he's meant to be feuding with Owen Hart and attacks Owen. Vega gets eliminated offscreen. Vader gets unmasked and brawls with Yoko, near the ropes, until HBK comes in and eliminates them both! Crowd goes BALLISTIC! Kid's gone too! Vader and Yoko continue to fight.
Number 19 - Hakushi
Camera misses Hakushi's entrance mostly, as it's dealing with Vader antics. He seemingly doesn't know he's been eliminated, goes back in and starts attacking HBK. His strikes don't look too effective, though. His UWFi run this is not. HBK gets tossed over the top rope, being eliminated early! Actually, apparently he's not been eliminated because he's been tossed by Vader, not a legal man. So you have to be thrown over by a legal wrestler to be eliminated. Guess any of the celebrities who eliminated themselves are still in their respective Rumbles. Where's the #DrewCareyMania hashtag? Bob Holly survives thanks to the same rule. It takes Gorilla Monsoon to remove Vader.
Number 20 - Tatanka
Number 21 - Aldo Montoya
Second consecutive entrance is missed as Tatanka coming in jobs to HBK tossing Cornette out. Hakushi hits a really cool corner back elbow. He then gets eliminated by Owen Hart mid-Montoya entrance. HBK discovers Lawler under the ring, after what felt like 30 solid minutes of him hiding there. Lawler gets eliminated around the same time as Montoya does.
Number 22 - Diesel
I hear Kevin Nash loves Rumbles too, as he has to do even fewer moves than usual. After he tosses Tatanka, we get another every-man-for-himself moment as HBK and Diesel start fighting each other. Sure, it doesn't last, but still.
Number 23 - "Supreme Fighting Machine" Kama
And just when I thought we'd tossed all the bad New Generation gimmicks, here comes Charles Wright doing fake MMA. A double team spot with HBK/Diesel against Kama backfires when Diesel decks his friend. That's fun. How is Bob Holly still in this?
Number 24 - The Ringmaster
This is the first PPV glimpse we saw of one of the biggest stars WWE has ever had - and it's with a shit gimmick. Who had the idea of packaging Steve Austin, who would be known as a great pure brawler, as a
mat technician? At least he finally eliminates Bob Holly. Shawn Michaels has spent more time being inches from elimination than doing anything else.
Number 25 - Barry Horowitz
I just noticed he comes out to fucking Hava Nagila
No idea why they didn't have this guy at Maccabiah Mania, he was available and one of the few successful Jewish wrestlers at the time. And Helmsley's finally gone, after what is an official time of 48 minutes. That is what I call a marathon run.
Number 26 - Fatu
I'm losing count of the bad gimmicks of this era, as we now have "Make a Difference" Fatu. They've been plugging the Superstar Line all night, because this was the hotline era. Apparently Raymond Rougeau, of all people, is manning the phones. Barry Horowitz thinks he can take HBK and Owen Hart at the same time, which is cute. Owen's got HBK in a suplex lift, and Hennig implores Owen to "drop him on his head"... Yikes.
Number 27 - Isaac Yankem, D.D.S.
Number 28 - Marty Jannetty
There's just so... many... shit... gimmicks. And Horowitz is gone. Owen Hart's elimination happens entirely in picture-in-picture. Austin decks HBK and then does his pose
"Kama, trying to get Shawn Michaels out", says Vince as Kama is on the other side of the ring. Kama, Fatu, what's the difference. We get a brief nostalgia Rockers brawl which leads to a double down.
Number 29 - The British Bulldog
Vince acts like, since Number 30 is known, then Number 29 has to be certain. To be fair to him, Davey Boy is the only guy with any name value that remained unaccounted for tonight. We get Diana Hart-cam before Davey Boy tossess Jannetty. Austin fails to headbutt a Samoan, and gets tossed by Fatu (which, apparently, was an accident as he failed to grab the ropes). Fatu then gets tossed by the dentist.
Number 30 - Duke "The Dumpster" Droese
The final lineup in this match: HBK/Davey Boy on the outside, Diesel/Kama, and Yankem/Droese in a battle of the awful gimmicks. Davey Boy tries to eliminate Yankem, but Diesel stops him so HBK can get it. A fitting metaphor. Droese gone, so the final four is HBK, the Bulldog, Diesel, and... Kama. HBK does a slide under Bulldog's legs and clotheslines him out, which is cool. Diesel tosses Kama, but Michaels quickly gets Diesel over with the Sweet Chin Music! HBK/Hart (it looks like) at WM12. An angry Diesel beats up Bulldog some more, threatens Doc Hendrix (based), and comes back to congratulate Shawn (and apparently prevent him from stripping naked). Reminder that Michaels went over the top rope earlier, though. #JusticeForDiesel #Nashamania
And that's your Rumble! It was fun, as most Rumbles are, but it's not exactly the best one, given the lack of star power and lightness on memorable moments. There's worse ways you can spend about an hour, though. Oh yeah, and Waltman is our third returning wrestler. I'm going to start keeping track of appearance counts, because tracking returning wrestlers is fun.