Sky's Good Matches Thread (formerly You Decide What Sky Watches)

[Leon TrotSky]

Side Match #7
The Predator vs. Keith Hanson
IGF Genome14 - February 5, 2011​

When people talk about "what's the worst match ever committed to video" there's a lot of answers given. Jenna vs. Sharmell, Cole vs. Lawler, Steinblock vs. One Warrior Nation, even those morally reprehensible shooty gorefests like Knuckles vs. Levy or Yoshiko vs. Yasukawa get mentioned. Here's one I've seen mentioned in passing, but no one really analysing as to what went wrong. All that's said was that this match was so bad that Inoki himself came to ringside and loudly demanded that they stop wrestling. Why did this happen? Guess we'll have to find out. Also, yet another weird matchup. If I asked you "on which card did Luke Gallows and Sylvester Terkay face each other?" you'd probably respond "that's impossible, they were never actually on WWE's main roster at the same time". That's the power of IGF, baby. Let's get this over with.

Terkay shows up with a chain and attacks a bunch of plants. Gallows attacks him as he enters, and that's how the match starts. Naturally, the opening is brawling, with forearms galore. Terkay gets the advantage early but Gallows fights back. Gallows tries to shoulderblock Terkay but he just bounces off, and eventually Terkay powerslams him for a two count. Terkay's movements are slow and plodding - maybe he's gassed already - but Gallows is a bit more spry. Gallows clotheslines Terkay out. Gallows eventually is dragged out with him, and we get a bit of good old-fashioned American-style walk and brawl. Complete with faces being bashed against the guardrail!

Once they're all walked and brawled out, Terkay downs Gallows with side kicks and a headbutt. Gallows tries to toughly no-sell on his knees but gets eye-raked. Terkay slaps on a long bodyscissors, and honestly, it doesn't feel any slower than anything else he's done this match so far. That's the level of rotten he is. Gallows eventually gets a back suplex for two. Then an elbow drop for one. I hope I'm not giving you the false impression that much of anything is happening in this match, because it isn't. They do the turnbuckle-charge-dodge spot but Terkay is so slow doing it I'm shocked Gallows didn't just stop in his tracks. Terkay hits a slow, sloppy Alabama Slam for two. Not long after that, he breaks out that preserve of the glacially-paced big man of yesteryear... the BEARHUG! And then another slam for two.

Gallows takes control with an uppercut and a butterfly suplex, followed by a leg drop for another two count. You could write a novel in the gap between offensive manoeuvres in this match. Two novels if Terkay's in control. Speaking of, he applies a Texas Cloverleaf in super-slo-mo. The crowd is still being remarkably polite about this. There's a series of Terkay cornered headbutts that I don't really see Gallows selling. Gallows gets a clothesline for a one count that's very close to two. He goes for a splash but Terkay gets the knees up. Terkay gets on one knee and says "YEAH" to the crowd as if he's done anything impressive. He slowly charges the corners to get more knees in, then takes a good long while to hit a mat slam.

Ring announcer says 10 minutes have passed - this is a 30 minute time limit, right? Heaven forbid... At this point both men are definitely gassed, somehow less mobile than Tiger Mask in his match. Gallows hits a big boot and suplex, that forces a rope break. Terkay hits a front suplex, but the way he crawls makes Triple H at WM19 look like he's got a spring in his step.

And here comes the reason this match is still talked about in some form. Inoki shows up with a face like a trout, grabs a chair, and loudly bangs it against the guardrail, while shouting angry Japanese as well as phrases like "STOP IT", "BULLSHIT", and "FUCK IT"! My response too. Gallows takes the hint and brings it home. Inoki continues to let everyone know at the top of his voice that he thought that match was awful. He goes over to Chono and slaps him, clearly he was to blame. I don't think Chono will last much longer as booker.

So yeah, that was the fabled "match so bad that Inoki stopped it"! And yeah, it was a slog! It wasn't just that it was an obvious WWE style match for a crowd that couldn't care less about that type of wrestling - it was a terrible WWE style match. Not full of botches like the dirt-worst I mentioned above, but that means there's none of the levity either. Truly worthy of being considered one of the disasters of wrestling.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Side Match #8
Josh Barnett vs. Montanha Silva
IGF Championship Tournament First Round Match
IGF Genome14 - February 5, 2011​

Now we get to the meat of the show, what everyone will have tuned in for. Well, presumably. Maybe someone wanted to see old man Tiger Mask and Sylvester Terkay. There's a tournament for the first ever IGF Champion, and it features a lot of guys with legit cred and also Luke Gallows for some weird reason. No idea why Inoki didn't pull him right out after the last horrid affair. Next show will see "Keith Hanson" have his shot, but this show has the first two first-round matches. It's UFC punchy man and future Bloodsport promoter Josh Barnett, vs. K1 punchy man (K1 record: 2-4) Montanha Silva. It can't be that bad... can it?

The start involves Silva hugging Barnett against the ropes while kneeing him, which I'm sure is legitimate MMA technique but just looks weird to me. Barnett manages to lift up the much taller Silva and ground him with a Water Wheel Drop but he can't capitalise and Silva has the head and shoulder locked. Eventually Barnett gets Silva's shoulders down - but never for three - then tries for an armbar but can't extend the arm before Silva gets the rope break. Silva grounds Barnett with elbows and pounds him with strikes. So far, so very worked-MMA. Silva gets an armbar, Barnett gets a rope break, Silva refuses to break the hold and instead pushes the referee! Luckily IGF referees are made of tougher stuff, because he gets up right away. I wouldn't know how to react if they booked a ref bump on this show.

Silva goes for a jumping corner knee but Barnett dodges it. However, he doesn't dodge the gut punches and elbows, and powders out of the ring. Barnett grabs Silva's legs and slowly but surely drags him to the outside, where they brawl. Silva gets the best of it, but back in the ring, Barnett's still fighting. He goes for a flying kick but Silva just catches his leg. Silva pounds away until Barnett catches his arm and tries to hyperextend it (even when the ref is trying to force a rope break). Silva launches one of his big legs at Barnett with a kick but Barnett grabs it and converts it to an STF, in which Silva taps.

You know what? Not that bad. Obvious negative out of the way - Montanha Silva is not a wrestler. He's barely even a kickboxer. But they let him do what he does best - throw his limbs around - and hid his large weaknesses mostly. It's also a positive that he's not going through to the next round, in my opinion.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Side Match #9
Bob Sapp vs. Shinichi Suzukawa
IGF Championship Tournament First Round Match
IGF Genome14 - February 5, 2011​

FUCK YEAH IT'S SAPP TIME

I'm very aware that this was 2011, and Bob Sapp had lost all the aura that didn't come from being as big as he is. But come on, it's Bob Sapp. You can see why Japan grew to love him. Also, fun fact, he was briefly in WCW developmental before WWF bought the company. So if WCW had lasted a bit longer, we'd have a more buff, more charismatic version of Goldberg. That would have been the best timeline.

Speaking of Sapp, he shows up in a Ric Flair robe with Ric Flair's entrance. Shame he didn't come out to the Official Bob Sapp Theme Song (remember that?). His opponent, Shinichi Suzukawa, is apparently a former sumo, but he doesn't look T H I C C enough to ever have been one. Maybe he slimmed down.

They're immediately at it, smacking each other with flailing arms. Suzukawa gets a hot start, grabbing and stretching Sapp's leg and forcing a quick rope break. He's noticeably slow to get up. Sapp starts using his power advantage, cornering Suzukawa but not doing much more than applying pressure. Ref forces a break from the corner. Sapp hits a really sloppy looking slam, and weakly attempts to pound before a rope break. Suzukawa applies more pressure to the right leg but forgets to move away from the ropes. Suzukawa kicks out Sapp's leg from under his leg... applies a sleeper... and Sapp quickly taps?

What the hell was that? It didn't go 2 minutes. Inoki comes out to give his post-show speech. I can't tell if he's happy or pissed, because of that chin he only has one facial expression. Commentary desperately tries to fill in the last 20 minutes of PPV time that was clearly meant for this match.

No words. I don't really feel good rating this match, but it's definitely low, because what an anticlimax.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Match #85
The Four Horsemen (Ric Flair/Arn Anderson/Lex Luger/Tully Blanchard/JJ Dillon) vs. The Super Powers (Dusty Rhodes/Nikita Koloff/Road Warrior Hawk/Road Warrior Animal/Paul Ellering)
WarGames Match
NWA The Great American Bash Tour - July 4, 1987​

Whoever put this one on the wheel sent me a video link for this, but I thought I should watch it on the WWE Network. Except, apparently, the Network doesn't have this. It has a couple of dates from 1986, but not this. Which is very weird because it has this match, literally the first WarGames match ever. You'd think they'd want to preserve a piece of wrestling history. But no, gotta be satisfied with grainy Dailymotion video. Here we go!

The first two to enter are Arn and Dusty, and immediately it's clear that Dusty has a bad knee. Arn tries to take out that knee right away but Dusty nails him with the Bionic Elbow. Then he goes into his own ring and does a second rope walk holding the roof of the cage. This is why cages having roofs is a good thing. Dusty hits Arn with a low blow and gets a pop because that's a babyface move if you deserve it, apparently. After something that looks like a DDT but is probably a facebuster, Dusty opens up Arn by scraping his face against the roof of the cage. Finally Arn gets a shot at the weak knee, but Dusty refuses to let that put him on the back foot. Arn tries to escape like a COWARD. When Arn misses a knee drop, Dusty slaps on a Figure Four!

Four Horsemen get the advantage, and Tully storms in. He nearly tangles himself up in the ropes, he's that enthusiastic to beat up Dusty Rhodes! Tully manages to take out the knee, and then it's some standard 2-on-1. We get an assisted Figure Four with Arn holding down Dusty's arms. Evening the score is... one of the Road Warriors, but the crowd is so hot for them that I can't hear the commentary say which it is. Turns out it's Animal, as I find out very late into his hot tag. Dusty topples Arn then joins Animal in killing Tully.

Horsemen go for the nuclear option, bringing in Ric Flair himself! Commentary says it can only really be 2v2 rather than 3v2 because Arn is hurt... but right after they say that, Arn gets up and drops Dusty so it's 3v1! Commentator's curse in action. Flair punctuates the advantage by going "woo" and humping the air. Let's hope there's no flight attendants in the crowd. I also notice that Animal really isn't selling the beatdown. Third in for the faces is Nikita Koloff, who gets the biggest pop for a double clothesline I've ever heard. Then Animal gets the biggest pop for a gorilla press slam I've ever heard. Ric Flair goes for the chops but Koloff is having none of it! He tosses Flair into the cage, and Flair responds with a textbook flop. Come to think of it, Arn did a similar flop earlier. Did all the Horsemen learn that from Flair?

Speaking of selling in a way that just looks silly, here's Lex Luger. Tully starts handing out assisted piledrivers with Flair holding his opponent's feet. Hawk, the master of hot tags, cleans house and the commentary becomes inaudible again. Koloff stomps a mudhole in Luger and the crowd is loud enough that I can't hear Luger's ridiculous "OWWW"s. "You will never witness action like this again" says Jim Ross, who will be proven wrong days later. It's total chaos, bodies smacking each other around left and right, neither side having a complete edge, and Flair has Dusty in a Figure Four. This is quite hard to comment on, with how much is going on.

Final entrant for the Horsemen is JJ Dillon, who attacks the Road Warriors like he isn't a manager. He's the dumbest of asses. So much blood being shed, including Ric Flair, whose hair is quickly turning red. Lex eats a tombstone as Ellering enters and the Match Beyond begins! Ellering busts JJ open with what commentary calls a spiked wristband. The Road Warriors isolate JJ while Nikita and Dusty keep the other Horsemen busy... Doomsday Device to JJ! Tully applies a Boston crab in the other ring, but JJ's just too weak, and he submits! Faces win!

Such a fun match to watch. Obviously not a workrate match, and at its peak it was kind of hard to follow, but it's very easy to tell how the fans got into this one so easily.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Match #86
El Dandy (c) vs. L.A. ParK
2/3 Falls Match for the Mexican National Light Heavyweight Championship
ENESMA - October 15, 2004​

Ah yes, ENESMA. That's a name I've seen a few times but never found any info on. It was a promotion in Mexico that only lasted a few months but still somehow managed to get TV and also the national belts on it? Lucha libre is weird. Anyway, here's the funny skeleton man challenging the man who shall not be doubted. Let's go.

Dandy offers the handshake but ParK isn't interested. Long staredown to start before they get tied up with an exchange of armlocks. This is post-WCW later Dandy so he's no longer the same guy as when he was one of the top technical wrestlers in the world, but he can still pull off a good grounded headscissors. ParK tries to go for a surfboard but Dandy untangles his feet and flips right out. First pin attempt is a Dandy sunset flip that gets a two count. Then... more headscissors! Dandy tries to go prone to duck ParK but he just stops and gets on top of Dandy. What follows can only be described as "an exchange of two-counts" as these two luchadors keep rolling into pin attempts.

Another staredown, and Dandy decides he's had enough of this shit and cracks out a big spinning back elbow! Extended headlock, until ParK fights out and gives a clean headscissors takedown! ParK misses a dropkick, and Dandy tries a Magistral but only gets two. Dandy tweaks ParK's leg, goes into an inverse Figure Four, and ParK taps right away for the first fall.

Fall number two, and ParK's still limping. He's still able to get right into nimble hold exchanges. I like these lucha style battles of dominance, with quick attempts at holds and quick counters to them. It's almost as impressive to see the range of moves that aren't hitting. ParK gets tossed to the apron, headbutts Dandy to down him, but misses the slingshot senton. He gets some nice armdrags, though. ParK dropkicks Dandy to the outside in that contrived way that all lucha matches seem to have, then dives through the ropes... to TOSS Dandy! Not sure if that was intentional, but it's an underrated kind of cool. Both men have masked assistants fanning them down with towels. Back in the ring, ParK slaps on a Reinera and Dandy submits for a quick second fall!

Third fall starts off fast as ParK is off like a house on fire with a dropkick, but Dandy gets out of the way and watches his opponent smash ass-first into the turnbuckle! Not to be outdone, Dandy goes for what appears to be a running Thesz press but ParK sidesteps and pushes him flying face-first into the turnbuckle, feet right on the bottom ropes. A little lower, and he would have gotten the X-Pac ass tear. Dandy trips ParK into the turnbuckle, and I now feel the bottom right ring post should be the champion for all the damage it's done. Dandy hits a cutter off the corner but it only gets two. ParK catches a running Dandy with a powerslam, again getting a two count.

Dandy goes for a tope suicida, and as soon as he's done, the helpers with towels are back to keep the luchadors cool! Back in the ring, the action's gotten to both men. Dandy mounts the corner and prepares for a cornered-punch spot, but ParK hits him in the torso and knocks him off. Why does no one else do that? ParK nails a tornillo but can't take advantage right away and his pin attempt consists of a single draped leg. Dandy to the outside, and ParK hits a corkscrew plancha!! Back in the ring, he hits a springboard move for good measure, but that only gets two. And a top rope tornillo... draws a rope break!

It looks like ParK has Dandy cornered and dominated... until Dandy dodges and ParK absolutely destroys himself on the corner again. Dandy attempts an STF but can't get it locked in so just goes for a pin instead. Dandy tries for a second rope leg drop but only gets two! ParK goes high risk, but only two again! And the ref has been dragged outside! For just long enough for Dandy to hit a low blow unnoticed and... only two! ParK lives! A masked man shows up, wipes out Dandy, and drags ParK on top of him for... a two count?! Both men decide they hate the masked invaders, kick them out of the ring... go for a double dive... but ParK stops, gets a victory roll, and gets the three!

Damn fine lucha match, nothing mega spectacular but hits exactly the right beats of classic style lucha. I've seen this described as Dandy's last great match, and I wouldn't be surprised, he's getting on in years at this stage of his career, but this was a real treat.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Match #87
Atsushi Onita vs. Terry Funk
Exploding Barbed Wire Ropes Time Bomb Deathmatch
FMW 4th Anniversary Show - May 5, 1993​

Hope you don't mind that I picked the next couple of matches out of the wheel myself. Just felt the need to pay tribute to two recently passed wrestlers you may know. Next match will be in memory of Bray Wyatt, but this entry of the thread is a tribute to Terry Funk, the definition of a legend. And it's a match that's quite well known - the first ever exploding ring match against Onita in 1993. Let's see if this one does the hype justice.

Onita is taped up already but seems defiant, and Funk acts like he's seen it all before (which of course, he probably has). The ref is in full protective gear, which pops me. We kick off with a lock-up, which has zero give - wow, it's almost as if they know there's explosive-charged barbed wire right behind them or something. This is probably my favourite lock-up I've ever seen, you really get a visual of the struggle. Funk breaks the deadlock with a 12-6 elbow and brawls Onita into the barbed wire for explosion number 1! He's already got blood on his wrists and soot marks on his back and everything, these are REAL explosions. Fuck.

Funk yanks Onita up by tearing his shirt and teases tossing him into the ropes again but can't quite get him moving. So, instead he hits a piledriver for a two-count. Then a knee drop for another two. Then explosion number 2!! Onita's back is bloodied and marked, but the crowd won't stop cheering for him! He's clearly dazed, and that last explosion did not do wonders for his leg since he takes a kneebreaker (??? like a kneeling backbreaker but done to one knee) from Funk and sells it hard. Funk grabs Onita by the hair, seemingly trying to tear the entire head of hair off his scalp in a bid to get him into the ropes face-first. Onita rallies enough to get his first clear-cut offence of the match, a back suplex, and the crowd goes NUTS.

Funk returns to a-yankin' on the hair... so Onita responds with some hair pulling of his own! And it pays off, as he tosses Funk into explosion number 3! On his bare back and everything. Funk's visibly stumbling, threatening another explosive meeting wtih the barbed wire, until he goes down in a flop. Ric Flair could never. Onita hits a bloody-faced Funk with a DDT but Funk kicks out of the pin! Onita establishes a little control with a headlock, until Funk drops him on his knee again! A still-dazed Funk smacks away the referee! Funk gets dangerously close to the barbed wire, but at the last moment he ducks away, and treats Onita to explosion number 4!!. Onita's rolled out of the ring, barbed wire still clinging to him, and has to check all his fingers are still there.

When they're back in the ring, Funk's flailing wildly, still dazed - he must have been stunned by the blast he narrowly avoided. Funk's wobbling around... and then a siren goes off! Ten minutes have passed, and only five left until the ring goes up in smoke! These two are thrashing away at each other! Funk is downed by a punch but kicks out at two! They headbutt each other, opening up Funk's head wound more and more! Funk looks to be setting up the Texas Cloverleaf, but Onita kicks him away into EXPLOSION NUMBER 5!! Funk's covered in barbed wire marks, he's open for Onita's DDT, and Onita wins!

But of course, it isn't over, as there's still 2 minutes until the big explosion. Funk gets some wrist tape and tries to choke Onita out with it, to ensure that he won't escape. The Ultraman-looking ref tries to break it off so Funk knocks him out. This gives Onita enough time to blast Funk with the referee's silver helmet and give him another DDT and a powerbomb! The referee tries to stop any more, but Onita tosses him out. One minute to go... Onita's sliding out of the ring, but notices Funk's in there! With ten seconds to go, he tries to get him out, but can't... so he covers Funk with his own body!

And then... KABOOM.

To be honest, it's not really that impressive, as far as explosions go. The only step up from the infamous Moxley/Omega damp squib is the fact that the smoke bomb goes off properly and bathes the surrounding area in white. I was kind of expecting a gimmicked collapsing ring, just to sell the fact that you know, something exploded under there. But it's the circumstances of the matter. The fact that Onita could have left Funk to his fate, but instead does what he can to save him. Classic bit of old-school melodrama right there. And then, in a moment that only stereotypical Japanese production can achieve, the audio drops off in favour of an epic guitar riff as Onita and Funk help each other up... and leave the ring together. Two hardcore legends.

That was more than just a match - it was an experience. No deathmatch is one for the purists, but there's always something you can feel about great ones. It transcends in-ring nous or even the danger of the stunts. I don't even know how to best describe it. All I know is that Terry Funk embodied it.

RIP Terry Funk, thank you

 

[Jay-Ashley]

Alexa's favorite match of all time

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Match #88
Bray Wyatt vs. Daniel Bryan
WWE Royal Rumble - January 26, 2014​

Again, this isn't exactly a match that got rolled on the wheel. I just feel the need to pay tribute to one of modern wrestling's great creative minds. And there were two Bray Wyatt matches on the wheel, so I flipped a coin. (Don't worry, Shield vs. Wyatt Family, your time will come.) This match takes us back to 2014, when the Wyatt Family was at its creative peak, before the CenaWinsLOL train came running through and smashed that to pieces. It's also the same show where Daniel Bryan was very much not in the Royal Rumble, and no one forgot about that. That's come to overshadow this match, which is sad because going by other people's ratings, this was apparently great. Let's have a look ourselves.

Both of these guys have entrances that give goosebumps but for totally different reasons. Bryan has the entire crowd behind him and it's infectious. But then Wyatt comes out, the arena fills with fireflies, and you're sucked right into the atmosphere. People hated 2014 WWE at the time, but there's so much great that I could spend the rest of this post talking about.

Camera misses the initial lockup. Kevin Dunn, why? Some brawling to start us off. Wyatt tweaks his left leg on a rolling attack. Bryan dives to the outside to meet Luke Harper, Erick Rowan goes to beat on him... but the referee spots it and ejects both heavies! Wyatt gives Bryan a quick kick to the head before giving a disturbing culty send-off to Rowan and Harper. Then Bryan hits him with a crossbody from out of nowhere! Bryan peppers Wyatt with kicks, goes to the top rope, but Wyatt just slaps him off to the outside! He goes to the commentary desk before trying to knee Bryan into the steel steps, but Bryan dodges again and again Wyatt's taking damage to that knee.

Bryan sweeps the leg as Wyatt tries to re-enter. Then, like the damn good scientific wrestler he is, he targets the leg, with kicks and holds. A nasty stomp to the back of the head gets the crowd the loudest they've been so far this match. He goes for a pin, hooking the bad leg, but Wyatt kicks out before even one. Wyatt gets a few headbutts in, but Bryan takes back control and continues to give that leg hell. Wyatt lifts Bryan on to the apron, they battle there, until Wyatt drops down with a wristlock! Bryan's arm is in trouble! Wyatt's back in the ring, tossing Bryan around, and then applies a chinlock... to which the crowd chants "Husky Harris"?? These fans don't deserve good wrestling.

Wyatt tosses Bryan over the top rope, and starts mashing his opponent's head against the ringpost with forearms. Commentary mentions Bryan's history of concussions which means this was a yikes even then. Wyatt hits a senton on the outside, argues with the crowd in his very Wyatt way, then brings Bryan in for the pin (he kicks out). He then catapults Bryan into the second rope, yeesh. There's some really nasty violence going on here... It's a joy to watch Wyatt's facials in this heat segment. Guy is absolutely deranged. Wyatt hits a uranage, does his spider walk, then downs Bryan with a corner splash.

Bryan keeps trying to get hits in but can't gather momentum... until he topples Wyatt with a forearm! He corners Wyatt with a drop toe hold (you should see Wyatt's face after it's met turnbuckle, it's emote-worthy) and thrashes his legs with kicks. A Bryan top rope headscissors gets a two-count. Bryan looks like he has all the momentum... until a Wyatt forearm shuts him down. Bryan tosses him to the outside... and HITS A TORNADO DDT OFF THE APRON!! Wyatt's bleeding out of his mouth! And then Bryan hits Wyatt with a SUPERSONIC DROPKICK against the barricade! Back into the ring, missile dropkick with no time for showboating, and then the YES-YES-YES kicks! And yet Wyatt can't be put down!

Bryan goes for three cornered dropkicks in a row... but on the third, Wyatt turns him inside out with a clothesline! Wyatt teases Sister Abigail, but Bryan rolls him up for two! Bryan's about to apply the Yes Lock, but Wyatt bites the hand! Bryan and Wyatt battle in the corner with headbutts, which forces Bryan to go for the dangerous, forbidden Diving Headbutt! Bryan teases the running knee, Wyatt rolls to the outside, Bryan goes for a dive... WYATT CATCHES HIM! AND HITS SISTER ABIGAIL ON THE OUTSIDE! WITH BRYAN'S HEAD BOUNCING OFF THE BARRICADE! Wyatt knows he's won. One more Sister Abigail, and that finishes it!

You know, it's strange that I should pay tribute to Bray Wyatt by reviewing one of his matches. His work was most effective when it was out of the ring, where he could let that creativity fly and not be limited by the trappings of a wrestling match. But this? This was awesome. Bryan getting shut down again and again, being forced to go to unprecedented levels of violence... but ultimately Bray is too much in his head, and one mistake is all it takes.

RIP Bray Wyatt, thank you

 

[Comrade Khan]

Two kings rip Bray u fucking legend

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Match #89
Koki Kitahara vs. Shiro Koshinaka
WAR Super Revolution - January 16, 1994​

It's too fucking hot right now. And there's still a lot of time until the Impact show starts. Might as well review a match. This is one that's been on the wheel for a while. It's also a fancam. Hopefully I can make out what's happening!

This one starts like all puro matches start: with a long staredown! Close to a lockup, but Koshinaka just slaps his opponent in the face. Another lockup, Kitahara backs Koshinaka on to the ropes, then gets slapped again! Koshinaka establishes a bit of control over Kitahara's left arm, even stretching it over the ropes. Kitahara responds with some pretty damn stiff looking kicks. He then counters Koshinaka's attempted headlock by grabbing the arm, but Koshinaka just transitions it into a headscissors. Kitahara eventually manages to get out by giving his opponent a quick knee to the nose. Referee seems unhappy with Kitahara kicking Koshinaka in the face... in a wrestling match. After the third, though, Koshinaka has a quick burst of energy and starts whaling away!

Koshinaka employs some unusual offence... hips to the side of the head. Then another headscissors. After a bit of struggling to get out of it by jerking the leg, Kitahara achieves it by turning Koshinaka over and attempting to apply an STF. He can't quite get it, but for some reason Koshinaka is scrambling in the standing chinlock. Kitahara then goes for an interesting leg submission, compressing Koshinaka's leg around his own and twisting the ankle. Koshinaka manages to break it by hitting Kitahara in the face... I sense a running theme here. Kitahara briefly topples Koshinaka with a lariat, but Koshinaka comes back with a shoulder tackle/headbutt (can't tell which) then returns to his regular plan of caving Kitahara's face in.

Koshinaka knee drop, then another chinlock that Kitahara counters by wrenching the leg. Kitahara then transitions into another STF. Koshinaka fights all the way up to his feet and brings down Kitahara with more facial striking. Plus, a bit of work on the left arm, and damaging his left knee too. Koshinaka has Kitahara on the ropes, giving forearm after forearm... until Kitahara cracks out one of his own! Kitahara's lariat gets a two-count. Kitahara pulls off an extended head-trapping armbar, but then Koshinaka targets the damaged knee. Knee-twisting ensues, until Kitahara slaps Koshinaka so hard that he falls back. That's one hell of a slap.

Koshinaka briefly rolls out of the ring, and when he comes back Kitahara tries his hardest to administer CTE with his knees. Kitahara pressures the neck, but Koshinaka gets out by... you guessed it, kicking him in the face! Koshinaka begins his big comeback, with multiple dropkicks into hip attacks (he calls it the Rear View, or maybe he doesn't). Kitahara counters the comeback... goes for a spinning kick, but misses! Koshinaka charges... Kitahara goes for a crucifix pin for two! Kitahara hits a release powerbomb (looks pretty weak), then flapjacks Koshinaka into the ropes! There's a brawl on the outside which the fan camera misses. Speaking of the fan camera, it's of poor enough quality that only now do I notice that Koshinaka is bleeding from the head. Hurricanrana pin for two!

Kitahara lands more kicks until Koshinaka sweeps the leg! Koshinaka sees a hip attack countered. Kitahara goes for a full nelson, Koshinaka drops down, but has his shoulders held down for another two-count. Rear naked choke, but Koshinaka's not giving up! Then another! This man refuses to die! Koshinaka recovers... back suplex, top rope knee, powerbomb! It's got to be the finish, but no, Kitahara gets off a forearm that topples his opponent! Still, Koshinaka's not out! Kitahara folds him up with a powerbomb... only a two-count again!! Kitahara whips Koshinaka into the corner... Koshinaka leapfrogs him and rolls through for the three!

Really nice puro action, was rather slow and generic at the start but definitely picked up at the end.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Side Match #10
Kodo Fuyuki (c) vs. Captain Jack
for the WEW Single Championship
FMW Super Dynamism - August 28, 2000​

This was a match I had to see when I was reading random Wikipedia articles and read this about Franky Gee (the "Captain" in Eurodance group Captain Jack):

Gee also wrestled for Frontier Martial-Arts Wrestling in Japan on August 28, 2000 losing to Kodo Fuyuki at FMW's Super Dynamism 2000 pay-per-view.

And I checked, and yes, it's real. Not only that, but it's a world title match?! I knew FMW did some "interesting" things on its abrupt lurch towards sports entertainment and away from deathmatches, but give a world title shot to a guy known mostly for dressing in military gear and singing? That's a new peak of "interesting". Let's give this a look.

Fuyuki comes with his arm around a woman with uncomfortable looking dreads and a shirt that says "69". Presumably this is to neutralise the Captain's three interchangeable backup singers. He comes out to the Captain Jack cover of In the Navy before launching into a lip-sync of Hi-Ho. (God, the 90s were rubbish, weren't they?)

Fuyuki of course attacks the Captain, but has the grace to wait until the song is finished. The trio of backup women hold Fuyuki off until the Captain can get his jacket off and hit a clothesline. Fuyuki throws some forearms, but the Captain sells nothing. And I mean, sells nothing. Fuyuki gets one offensive move sold (a headbutt) before going for a suplex... and the Captain overpowers him and goes for a pin! Yes, this World Champion is being outclassed by an untrained Eurodance singer. Fuyuki grabs him by the crotch (I think?) and pulls him down so they can do a kneeling slaps spot. The Captain hits a powerslam on Fuyuki but falls over trying to do it. He uses a pair of DEVASTATING double axe handles but can only get two. After Fuyuki kicks him in the dick, the Captain tries to take off his trousers, but Fuyuki nails him with a lariat and then gets the easy submission with the Fuyuki Clutch. They then have a respect spot and Fuyuki gives the Captain a go at wearing the belt.

Yeah that was not good at all. I don't think the Captain got any training at all. Nice to look at an oddity like this, though.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

So, that's 99 matches in this thread. 89 from the wheel(s) and 10 that I personally picked out.

I have a confession to make - I pretty much pilfered the concept of a ranked list of matches from the "Worst in the World" blog, which is like that, but focusing on only the bad matches. It's hit 300+ entries so far, and I enjoy reading it simply because there's so much variety of matches in Non-Good Wrestling that you can find. And like I've said before, I'm fascinated by Bad Things. Not because I like wallowing in negativity (though I used to) but because there's a perverse joy in things that suck.

What I was essentially trying to do with this was create my own version of that blog's concept. Bad matches everywhere, search for the Least-Worst and the Morst-Worst. Even though I enjoy the good matches a lot (Hokuto/Kandori was a delight), I enjoy writing up the bad matches a bit more, simply because I feel the weight of expectation. Good matches are written about better by people who understand more than I do. Stuff that's obviously lame gives a lot more wiggle room.

Which is why I'm making this decision: I'm branching this thread off! The bottom 25 or so matches of the list will leave and instead be added to a new thread, which is just a search for bad matches. I'll search for my own, and I'll also make a wheel for it so you can submit matches you Did Not Like for me to "enjoy".

This thread will live on. Probably. If I can bring myself to do so.

 

[Y2Jayne]

Match #67
Big Show (c) vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bobby Lashley vs. CM Punk vs. Test vs. Hardcore Holly
Extreme Elimination Chamber Match for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship
WWE ECW December to Dismember - December 3, 2006​

Used to love that match when I first got into wrestling and randomly watched PPVs a friend gave me on a USB key, I had no idea of the context and booking though.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

Side Match #11
The Filthy Animalz (Konnan/Rey Misterio Jr.) vs. Boogie Knights
Disco Duck Ladder Match
WCW Monday Nitro - October 2, 2000​

Of course, there's more than one meaning of a "Disco Ladder Match" - the other being a ladder match featuring Disco Inferno. As it turns out, everyone's "favourite" juiced-up double-lifer has worked one ladder match in his career, being this match on what is, by coincidence, the last Russo-booked Nitro before he fucked off to rest off a concussion he got when he won the WCW title. God, remember that? When he won the WCW title? That's one for later. Anyway, this was the opening match for that show. Konnan comes out with a plastic duck that Disco Inferno (well, Disqo around this time) had kept. In its short lifespan, it had already been used as a weapon and attacked by Scott Steiner. Now, Konnan implies that Disco has been sticking his dick in the duck. Ugh. He's gonna put this piece of plastic above the ring, and it's an impromptu ladder match!

Konnan tries to start by springing the duck into the Boogie Knights, but they shake the ropes a bit, and for some reason Weirdly Unmasked Rey bumps for that. Boogie Knights have the edge early. Rey tries to go for his West Coast Pop but Weirdly Bald Alex Wright converts it into a powerbomb. Wright goes for a corner dropkick, sandwiching Konnan between ladder and buckle. Disco goes for the same, but Rey hits a top rope Thesz press with the ladder! Konnan smashes a chair into the ladder on top of Disco. They then sandwich Wright into the ladder, then Rey goes to the top and hits a double leg drop with a chair under his legs! Rey climbs the ladder, but instead of grabbing the duck, hits a double leg drop, with a leg on each of the heels' nutsacks.

Rey sentons onto a prone Disco then hits a Tope con Hilo on Wright. Konnan and Disco in the ring, Disco gets a Chartbuster out of nowhere to save himself. Disco climbs the ladder, Rey follows him and hits a sunset flip powerbomb! Alex Wright beats up both faces, sets up... but Konnan catches him and splashes him on to Disco! Konnan grabs the duck to win. This is immediately negated, however, as the heels attack Konnan and grab the duck.

You know what? Fun match. This was going to be in the bad matches thread for its silly premise but I'm moving it to my good matches thread.

 

[Leon TrotSky]

KiLynn King vs. Queen Aminata
Women's Wrestling Army #29 - March 1, 2023​

I really shouldn't be doing this. I'm down on wrestling right now, for reasons you may be able to tell. I mentioned KiLynn King vs. Queen Aminata in another thread but it turns out it already exists. Also, you may have noticed the title change, and the abolition of the rankings for now... Feels like a relic. The bad matches thread feels like it fits better with a ranking. I'll still spin the good old wheel on occasion, but now, it's a new era. A new, kinda generic era. Let's enjoy this match.

Crowd's legit sounding dead for this and it makes me sad. Lockups, jostling for control, KiLynn gets Amanita with an armbar but Amanita counters into a headscissors, good start. We're down to the mat with a grounded headlock but KiLynn converts into a pin attempt. There's no clear control early. KiLynn hits a really shooty-looking armdrag to bring Aminata down. Aminata gets her up, takes out the knee, and does a standing armbar with gratuitous booty-shaking. I like her. Not to be outdone KiLynn breaks out of an Aminata wristlock with hip attacks. Double shoulderblock and staredown, which I think would go over better if the crowd were awake. Kinda sloppy leapfrog spot, but then there's an interesting spot where Aminata goes through multiple crucifix pin attempts.

These two show the variety of what an armdrag can be. Aminata goes to the outside, KiLynn tries to meet her with a dropkick through the ropes, but Aminata dodges. They exchange chops to the tit on the outside. KiLynn sits Aminata in one of the empty seats and gives her a huge double chop. Exchange of nasty-sounding shots. KiLynn resets the count but gets whipped into the corner post. Back in the ring, Aminata hits a sliding knee to the midsection, then a Flatliner, and seems to be transitioning into the Koji Clutch (or as she calls it, the "Juicy Lock", god I love wrestling) but KiLynn stops her from locking it in. KiLynn hits a side-slam backbreaker. Forearms to the kidneys, but then she whips Aminata, Aminata dodges the charge and hits a sort of... reverse facebuster thing. Both exchange pins, then Aminata gets a crossface with the arm trapped. KiLynn needs a rope break there.

Aminata kicks KiLynn right in the spine, then hits a fisherman's neckbreaker. Goes up top for a double stomp but KiLynn rolls away. KiLynn has a lariat ducked but hits a suplex for two. Aminata hammers away with forearms, but KiLynn kills her momentum by grabbing the tights. KiLynn hits a second rope dropkick and Aminata has to go back to the floor. This time KiLynn hits her kick through the ropes. Aminata's back in the empty seats, being fanned down by fans with their papers! These fans are awful for noise but they can be fun. Aminata, back in the ring, gets a sunset flip off the ropes for two. KiLynn catches Aminata's boot and converts it seamlessly into a one-armed powerbomb! Nice! Aminata wriggles out of a pumphandle attempt and hits a Codebreaker!

Aminata hits a sliding knee, goes to the top again, and again KiLynn rolls away from the double stomp. KiLynn hits the Excalibuster (pumphandle driver) that Aminata takes on her ENTIRE neck but still kicks out! KiLynn goes up top but Aminata stops her with a headbutt and takes her down with a double armdrag. Third time of asking and Aminata finally hits the double stomp! Hip attack and facewash, and KiLynn is just crumpling, but still kicking out! Aminata looks like she's about to set up a Beach Break but KiLynn reverses into a pin attempt! KiLynn has a fireman's carry but Aminata reverses! They keep reversing each other for one-counts! Big roundhouse kick from KiLynn, but Aminata lives! Finally the crowd wakes up, and a few of them try a "this is awesome" chant.

KiLynn chops away and Aminata can't stay up. She's struggling against the ropes. Big kick to the knees by KiLynn. KiLynn whips, Aminata reverses, seems to be setting up an armbar. KiLynn rolls up... Aminata rolls right back for the three!

Cool match, suffered from a poor crowd and started kind of slow but picked right up.