(cracks knuckles)
WHY YOUR FIRST ROUND PICK SUCKS
by SAL
GA: great job picking Kevin Durant. Contributes in almost all categories, never gets hurt, model teammate, good guy, etc. So now that he's on your roster, what's going to happen first: both of his ACLs ripping themselves out of his body like prison escapees, or a story coming out about Durant running an underground baby-fighting ring? Most likely the knee thing, but I'll fucking admit it, I'm rooting for baby-fighting.
Knicks: Anthony Davis with the #2 pick. Good call. He'll be the best player in the league listed day-to-day with back spasms or some shit during the fantasy playoffs.
Mack: LeBron James at #3? Nice. You got a returning hometown hero. And he lost 20 lbs! Improved conditioning or secret cancer? You decide. And can we put on a moratorium on that fucking "I'm coming home" song while we're at it? If Diddy knew they'd apply that song to Cleveland he'd never have written it.
IYF: Kevin Love. High ceiling this year. Really high. (checks Chris Andersen's and Udonis Haslem's stats from last season) Really high. Those meh-percentage 3's he was shooting in Minnesota were literally the best shots available on that team. You think LeBron's gonna be in the post willing to kick out to Love for 3? PSYCH, don't burn that Kevin Love Lakers jersey you know you bought yet.
PSYCH: Aldridge. Wait what the fuck you didn't draft Kobe first? You goddamn poser. Of course you traded this pick and probably another pick and probably some spinning rims to GA for Kobe Bryant and a goddamn chicken sandwich. I don't understand you.
Brye: Carmelo Anthony at #6. You guys added a category for missed 22-foot jump shots or something?
KAEPERNICK: James Harden. I watched that video of Ron Artest elbowing him in the head the other day and felt nothing. Nothing. I used to like this guy. He even makes funnyish commercials! But he could get hit by a truck tomorrow and I wouldn't care. Anyway, decent pick.
Champ: Steph Curry. You know it's getting harder to make fun of picks made by people I don't know. Curry's alright I guess. I really honestly believe I could take him in a fight but he's a pretty good basketball player. I just google image searched him and yeah, he's 7 years old.
Brandon: Demarcus Cousins. Oh he went one year without threatening to kill anybody on the court and now he's a first-round pick? TRADE HIM FOR KOBE BRYANT WHILE YOU STILL CAN
Showtime: Chris Paul. Goddamn that's a hell of a pick at #10. Wow. Such an elite PG on a successful team in Los Angeles. Look on the bright side Lakers fans: I know you didn't get Paul, but at least you didn't have to give up Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom!
Notorious: Al Jefferson. Some people seem to think Charlotte's going to be good this year. But their best player is still fucking Al Jefferson, so no, they're not going to be good. They'll be the #6 seed in the East, which would make them the #22 seed in the West. Bonus fact: his full name is Albus Ricardo Jefferson. ALBUS. He's a goddamned Harry Potter character.
shutupchico: I made a stunning error during my retirement announcement and did not shout out, or give props, or give daps, or throw deuces HOWEVER THE SHIT YOU PEOPLE TALK to shutupchico. My apologies dude. Serge Ibaka! There was an
article a couple of days ago about how Ibaka didn't know who Mitch McGary was. Which is funny, because if you put a picture of Ibaka in MS Paint and invert the colors, you get Mitch McGary.
KIF: Russell Westbrook. Jesus Christ, Russell Westbrook's still a thing? He's still happening? Can we get him traded to the 76ers or something so he can fulfill his destiny and score 35 points a game on a shitty shitty team? He's got a lot of McGradyitis in him. I think he'd be happier that way.
Mak: Damian Lillard. I can't think of a single bad thing to say about Lillard. So he's probably involved in the baby-fighting ring with Durant, is my guess.
