The Quintastic One’s TNA IMPACT Review
Many of you on IWF know me as a TNA mark. Someone who has defended TNA vehemently against the Anti-TNA bias that runs rampant in today’s IWC. But tonight, I give you guys my review on TNA’s Monday Night IMPACT, as a straight shooter. I will give you my 100% honest, bold faced opinion. I will cover what I thought was good and what I thought was bad. Some of my opinions may surprise you, and some of my opinions may have you foaming at the mouth wanting to disagree. But this is me, this is the truth coming from my words. There will be no bullshit in this review. I stayed throughout the entire 3 hour broadcast. Not once did I turn away to watch what the competition was offering. And finally, without further ado, this is my review.
TNA starts out with a spiffy opening package and a stellar run down by the announce crew of Mike Tenay & Tazz. I’m already pumped at the possibility of Barbed Wire Massacre III, and close to marking out and we haven’t even started yet. With that in mind, we start off with the Steel Asylum match for the X Division Championship.
X Division Steel Asylum Match:
Chris Sabin Vs. Alex Shelley Vs. Homicide Vs. Kiyoshi Vs. Jay Lethal Vs. Consequences Creed Vs. Suicide Vs. Amazing Red
This match quite simply was a cluster fuck. It wasn’t a good clusterfuck, it wasn’t something that got me pumped for the rest of the show. It was just eight guys, in a red steel cage, that ended in a horrible DQ finish. Cage match ending in a DQ? Are you fucking kidding me? Homicide tries to do some crazy escape from the cage deal and botches by getting his foot stuck, and somehow finds a way out of the cage anyway.
But here’s the part where I mark out. JEFF MOTHER FUCKING HARDY SHOWS UP. I said there was a snowballs chance in hell that it was gonna happen. I said that there was no way that Jeff Hardy would show up but if he did he would definitely effect the ratings. This may be the stupidest financial move of Jeff Hardy’s career, but God Damnit was I marking out from seeing him back in TNA.
We cut to several disjointed backstage promos until we finally res t on Kevin Nash being interviewed by Christy Hemme. Nash looks like he’s baked out of his mind. He cuts a very calm, laborious promo that almost seems to ramble at some points, before he lets us know that Hogan is not alone....which I’m pretty sure was already covered by Tenay at the top of the show.
TNA Knockouts Championship:
Tara Vs. ODB
They have yet another boring and uninspired match up between the two. I mean seriously guys, when are you going to realize that Tara and ODB have ZERO chemistry? ODB wins with a roll up while pulling the tights. And I call bullshit. ODB should NOT be Knockouts champion again. They were just about ready to set up for Tara to have a nice long and competitive title reign that will mean something, and you give it back to the worst Knockouts Champion in history? She’s not that fucking over. This pissed me off because I enjoy good women’s wrestling. And this was NOT it.
Ric Flair arrives at the arena, and I am NOT as excited as everyone else seems to be about this. I said several weeks ago that if this show was flooded with oldies that I would not watch TNA again. So I’m basically scared for my life that I’m gonna have to either be resolved to shitty Hornswoggle segments for the rest of my life or risk being a hypocrite and continue to watch TNA. If they don’t step up their game from what they’ve done so far in this show, I may not regret having to keep my word.
We then have 3 promos in a row. First involving Mick Foley not being permitted into the building. Which is.....whatever. Then we go into Bobby Lashley & Kristal doing an in ring promo and suddenly cutting a vicious heel promo. Kristal makes a good mouthpiece for Lashley, I wasn’t expecting that. It might not make much sense right now but I think the whole “I’m an MMA fighter so I’m superior to all these fake wrestlers†heel turn is brilliant if handled right. And finally, we round it all out where The Beautiful People have a long drawn out segment that basically says that they are going to be doing strip poker all night. Neeto, I bet we won’t be seeing a lick of it.
We come back from commercial break and we get our fourth promo in a row. It’s Scott Hall & Sean Waltman not being permitted into the building. Oh joy. We then watch someone switch from a black limo into Hogans limo and then suddenly Waltman & Hall are at ringside. Wow, those guys found a way past those security guards pretty fast.
We then go for our fifth promo in a row, which is Hogan coming out predictably just in time for RAW to start going on the air. We knew it was gonna happen, but the fact that this is gonna take up another 20 minutes and all we’ve had is two crappy matches so far is making me not very excited for this. Hogan does his spiel, Waltman & Hall come in the ring, Hogan fends them off saying it’s different this time. Sure, that’s why we have all your buddies here right Hogan? Nash comes out, and we have basically a repeat of the same exchange. Eric Bischoff comes out, and says the exact same shit again but THIS TIME it suddenly makes sense to Nash, Hall & Waltman. And they leave the ring. Bischoff then tears up a script for tonights show and magically replaces it with another script. And we cut to commercial again after seeing Sting in the rafters.
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title Match:
Team Hotter Than A Pistol On A Grill In A Texas Summer Greenhouse Vs. Awesome Kong & Hamada
Really good tag match (about fucking TIME!). We cut halfway through to the back where STIFF MANNEQUIN DOLLS THAT LOOSELY RESEMBLE THE MACHINE GUNS are backstage and I’m supposed to believe that they were attacked. What, did Sabin & Shelley ditch the building and go get some Jager Bombs right after the Steel Asylum match and weren’t available to shoot the segment? WTFBBQ? But like I said, really good tag match that really got the audience going. Hamada & Awesome Kong win after some vicious exchanges, and they are your new champions. I don’t entirely disagree with this, although I wouldn’t of minded if Sarita & Taylor held onto those belts for forever really. They’re pointless enough belts that as long as I get to see those bitches in storylines and on my TV I’ve got fapping material.
We then cut backstage back to the strip poker game and VAL MOTHER FUCKING VENIS shows up! Ok, ok. I will admit, it’s too many old guys debuting for my taste, but Val Venis is the fucking man and everyone should know it. He looks in great shape too and at least makes the strip poker game a little more entertaining. But it’s still a pointless segment. We then get Mick Foley once again trying to get in the door and the Nasty Boys show up.......uhg. Can someone shoot me now?
TNA Tag Team Titles #1 Contendership:
The Blue Corn Tortillas Vs. Dr. Stevie & Raven
Basically a two second squash match in favor of the Super Mexi-Prints. As crappy as that is, hey, at least we get Daffney on TV for a few seconds.
We cut backstage to a promo with Christy Hemme & D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero delivering well on the stick, and Orlando Jordan shows up...............
...........
.........
Why??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
D’Angelo Dinero Vs. Desmond Wolf
This was a fun little match up. Too short for my tastes. This is a double edged sword for me. Because on one hand, it’s super special awesome that Dinero is getting a big push now. But it’s also very disappointing that Desmond Wolf, after having such a hot debut, loses twice to Kurt Angle on PPV and now suddenly is lost in the shuffle. It’s a give and take I guess, but I don’t have to like it.
We then cut once again to several short segments. Jeff Jarrett is in the building, and Rhino has been knocked out. At least he’s not a FUCKING MANNEQUIN. But I’m assuming this means no Barbed Wire Massacre. Why the fuck would you throw that out?! We get more Hogan clips, then AJ Styles hypes up his match against Kurt at Genesis. Bischoff arrives and changes the title match to TONIGHT. Now THAT I can get behind!
We now get a Jeff Jarrett in ring promo which is essentially a rehash of everything Hogan already said earlier except from a different perspective. Hogan shows up on the Tron and basically tells Jeff Jarrett to lace up his boots or hit the bricks. Jarrett doesn’t seem to know what to think of it, and neither do I. We then cut to a Christopher Daniels promo, who is cut short by Jeremy Borash in favor of Mick Foley finally entering the arena.....that’s not a good sign. Interrupting the young guys promos to renew focus on the old guys is NOT a good way to conduct business. We then cut back to Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore being excited for some crazy painting of what I would have to assume is an ode to what Monkeystyle really looks like. And Jesus Christ how many promos was that in a row? 7?
“The Monster†Abyss vs. Samoa Joe
This was another fun little match. Nothing too special but you could tell Samoa Joe was working extra stiff to try and up his game tonight. My problem is that they didn’t even mention the fact that Samoa Joe has the World Title Feast Or Fired briefcase, and Abyss’ 6 month long feud with Dr. Stevie was exactly what I feared it was. Just a filler storyline with no real plans to move him up the card after it was done with. Sad day for me. But wasn’t a BAD match for all intents and purposes.
Kristal then is backstage talking with Eric Bischoff. Bischoff pretty much blows her off, but I’m at least glad they didn’t just do the one promo and forgot about Lashley the rest of the night. We then get backstage where Beer Money is laid out, and Bubba The Love Sponge thinks he knows who did it. And yet you don’t divulge that information? Pointless much.
We get promo #3 where the Nasty Boys are able to sneak into the building with the help of Bubba the Love Sponge. This isn’t going to end well for me tonight is it? Angle does a DAMN good job of hyping the title fight tonight, obviously he’s ready to up his game tonight for the main event. Then finally we get Jeff Hardy & Shannon Moore leaving the building, which they hand over the painting of Monkeystyle to some little girls and get in their car. I’m sure she will cherish that portrait forever MS. And in Promo #6 in a row we get the Nasty Boys trashing the locker room of Team 3D. Which means we are sure to get Team 3D Vs. Nasty Boys at Genesis. My worst fears have come true.
Main Event:
TNA World Heavyweight Championship:
AJ Styles Vs. Kurt Angle
Apparently the masked man came in to try and attack AJ Styles. The DQ isn’t called however and Kurt Angle ejects him from the ring......sooooo it’s ok for a masked man to an outside interference in a title fight but it’s not ok for Homicide to slap bitches with a baton during a steel cage match? Riiiiight. Either way, simply amazing match. 5 Stars all the way guaranteed. These guys put on a show and I was glad to know that the show was going to end off at least on the proper note, with incredible wrestling.
HOWEVER.....Hulk Hogan has to come out, because heaven forbid the spotlight can’t be on somebody else for TWO FREAKIN’ SECONDS. And he starts praising the two wrestles in the ring. Which I could of almost dealt with. But THEEEEEN we get cut backstage where Mick Foley gets into a verbal exchange with Val Venis for no reason whatsoever. He then goes to his former office and confronts Eric Bischoff, and then he gets beat down by the N.W.O. Hogan comes in and doesn’t even break up the donnybrook, but looks ominously around the room as we get a close up of his face. And that’s IMPACT.
No. No no no NO NO NO FUCKING NO!
This could of been so great. This could of been such a GLORIOUS FUCKING NIGHT FOR TNA! And in alot of ways, it was. In alot of ways they had a huge unpredictibility factor, they brought in JEFF HARDY of all people. They brought in all the big names they could find. But at the end of the day that was the very fucking problem!
Every single elderly jackass of WCW’s past was basically brought into this. The only fucking thing they were missing was bringing in Ken Anderson, Psycho Sid & Rob Van Dam. All my worst fears have come true and even IF TNA does an amazing magical number tomorrow at Neilson it would of all been tarnished.
We have Ric Flair needlessly getting himself involved with AJ Styles business apparently. We have the return of the N.W.O all but CONFIRMED on our hands. We have the Nasty Boys in the tag team division which is only a matter of time before they squash everyone else and become champions. We have Orlando Jordan coming in to fuck up D’Angelo Dineros push. We have Val Venis, who while awesome, is basically gonna be the new Kip James for the Beautiful People. Hell the only fucking BRIGHT SPOT in this show that was as good as the hype made it out to be was Jeff Hardy returning to TNA and the Main Event. But even THEN Hardy being in TNA is the worst financial mistake he could of ever made of his career, as he could of made MILLIONS more by being WWE’s next Mega Star. And the Main Event is overshadowed by MORE NEW WORLD ORDER HIJINX AND IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY FUCKING STOMACH!
FUCK THIS. I don’t WANT a Monday Night War if this is how it’s gonna go down. It’s WCW Junior taking on Kiddy Shit WWE. Both are HORRIBLE options for a wrestling promotion to get behind. I can’t fucking stand it!
Before I end up ripping my hair out from frustration, anxiety & damn near depression, I’m gonna end this review here. I have no doubts this show was a hundred times better than RAW. But when you have to be crap made great when compared to worse, you know the wrestling industry is dead.
Many of you on IWF know me as a TNA mark. Someone who has defended TNA vehemently against the Anti-TNA bias that runs rampant in today’s IWC. But tonight, I give you guys my review on TNA’s Monday Night IMPACT, as a straight shooter. I will give you my 100% honest, bold faced opinion. I will cover what I thought was good and what I thought was bad. Some of my opinions may surprise you, and some of my opinions may have you foaming at the mouth wanting to disagree. But this is me, this is the truth coming from my words. There will be no bullshit in this review. I stayed throughout the entire 3 hour broadcast. Not once did I turn away to watch what the competition was offering. And finally, without further ado, this is my review.
TNA starts out with a spiffy opening package and a stellar run down by the announce crew of Mike Tenay & Tazz. I’m already pumped at the possibility of Barbed Wire Massacre III, and close to marking out and we haven’t even started yet. With that in mind, we start off with the Steel Asylum match for the X Division Championship.
X Division Steel Asylum Match:
Chris Sabin Vs. Alex Shelley Vs. Homicide Vs. Kiyoshi Vs. Jay Lethal Vs. Consequences Creed Vs. Suicide Vs. Amazing Red
This match quite simply was a cluster fuck. It wasn’t a good clusterfuck, it wasn’t something that got me pumped for the rest of the show. It was just eight guys, in a red steel cage, that ended in a horrible DQ finish. Cage match ending in a DQ? Are you fucking kidding me? Homicide tries to do some crazy escape from the cage deal and botches by getting his foot stuck, and somehow finds a way out of the cage anyway.
But here’s the part where I mark out. JEFF MOTHER FUCKING HARDY SHOWS UP. I said there was a snowballs chance in hell that it was gonna happen. I said that there was no way that Jeff Hardy would show up but if he did he would definitely effect the ratings. This may be the stupidest financial move of Jeff Hardy’s career, but God Damnit was I marking out from seeing him back in TNA.
We cut to several disjointed backstage promos until we finally res t on Kevin Nash being interviewed by Christy Hemme. Nash looks like he’s baked out of his mind. He cuts a very calm, laborious promo that almost seems to ramble at some points, before he lets us know that Hogan is not alone....which I’m pretty sure was already covered by Tenay at the top of the show.
TNA Knockouts Championship:
Tara Vs. ODB
They have yet another boring and uninspired match up between the two. I mean seriously guys, when are you going to realize that Tara and ODB have ZERO chemistry? ODB wins with a roll up while pulling the tights. And I call bullshit. ODB should NOT be Knockouts champion again. They were just about ready to set up for Tara to have a nice long and competitive title reign that will mean something, and you give it back to the worst Knockouts Champion in history? She’s not that fucking over. This pissed me off because I enjoy good women’s wrestling. And this was NOT it.
Ric Flair arrives at the arena, and I am NOT as excited as everyone else seems to be about this. I said several weeks ago that if this show was flooded with oldies that I would not watch TNA again. So I’m basically scared for my life that I’m gonna have to either be resolved to shitty Hornswoggle segments for the rest of my life or risk being a hypocrite and continue to watch TNA. If they don’t step up their game from what they’ve done so far in this show, I may not regret having to keep my word.
We then have 3 promos in a row. First involving Mick Foley not being permitted into the building. Which is.....whatever. Then we go into Bobby Lashley & Kristal doing an in ring promo and suddenly cutting a vicious heel promo. Kristal makes a good mouthpiece for Lashley, I wasn’t expecting that. It might not make much sense right now but I think the whole “I’m an MMA fighter so I’m superior to all these fake wrestlers†heel turn is brilliant if handled right. And finally, we round it all out where The Beautiful People have a long drawn out segment that basically says that they are going to be doing strip poker all night. Neeto, I bet we won’t be seeing a lick of it.
We come back from commercial break and we get our fourth promo in a row. It’s Scott Hall & Sean Waltman not being permitted into the building. Oh joy. We then watch someone switch from a black limo into Hogans limo and then suddenly Waltman & Hall are at ringside. Wow, those guys found a way past those security guards pretty fast.
We then go for our fifth promo in a row, which is Hogan coming out predictably just in time for RAW to start going on the air. We knew it was gonna happen, but the fact that this is gonna take up another 20 minutes and all we’ve had is two crappy matches so far is making me not very excited for this. Hogan does his spiel, Waltman & Hall come in the ring, Hogan fends them off saying it’s different this time. Sure, that’s why we have all your buddies here right Hogan? Nash comes out, and we have basically a repeat of the same exchange. Eric Bischoff comes out, and says the exact same shit again but THIS TIME it suddenly makes sense to Nash, Hall & Waltman. And they leave the ring. Bischoff then tears up a script for tonights show and magically replaces it with another script. And we cut to commercial again after seeing Sting in the rafters.
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title Match:
Team Hotter Than A Pistol On A Grill In A Texas Summer Greenhouse Vs. Awesome Kong & Hamada
Really good tag match (about fucking TIME!). We cut halfway through to the back where STIFF MANNEQUIN DOLLS THAT LOOSELY RESEMBLE THE MACHINE GUNS are backstage and I’m supposed to believe that they were attacked. What, did Sabin & Shelley ditch the building and go get some Jager Bombs right after the Steel Asylum match and weren’t available to shoot the segment? WTFBBQ? But like I said, really good tag match that really got the audience going. Hamada & Awesome Kong win after some vicious exchanges, and they are your new champions. I don’t entirely disagree with this, although I wouldn’t of minded if Sarita & Taylor held onto those belts for forever really. They’re pointless enough belts that as long as I get to see those bitches in storylines and on my TV I’ve got fapping material.
We then cut backstage back to the strip poker game and VAL MOTHER FUCKING VENIS shows up! Ok, ok. I will admit, it’s too many old guys debuting for my taste, but Val Venis is the fucking man and everyone should know it. He looks in great shape too and at least makes the strip poker game a little more entertaining. But it’s still a pointless segment. We then get Mick Foley once again trying to get in the door and the Nasty Boys show up.......uhg. Can someone shoot me now?
TNA Tag Team Titles #1 Contendership:
The Blue Corn Tortillas Vs. Dr. Stevie & Raven
Basically a two second squash match in favor of the Super Mexi-Prints. As crappy as that is, hey, at least we get Daffney on TV for a few seconds.
We cut backstage to a promo with Christy Hemme & D’Angelo Dinero. Dinero delivering well on the stick, and Orlando Jordan shows up...............
...........
.........
Why??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
D’Angelo Dinero Vs. Desmond Wolf
This was a fun little match up. Too short for my tastes. This is a double edged sword for me. Because on one hand, it’s super special awesome that Dinero is getting a big push now. But it’s also very disappointing that Desmond Wolf, after having such a hot debut, loses twice to Kurt Angle on PPV and now suddenly is lost in the shuffle. It’s a give and take I guess, but I don’t have to like it.
We then cut once again to several short segments. Jeff Jarrett is in the building, and Rhino has been knocked out. At least he’s not a FUCKING MANNEQUIN. But I’m assuming this means no Barbed Wire Massacre. Why the fuck would you throw that out?! We get more Hogan clips, then AJ Styles hypes up his match against Kurt at Genesis. Bischoff arrives and changes the title match to TONIGHT. Now THAT I can get behind!
We now get a Jeff Jarrett in ring promo which is essentially a rehash of everything Hogan already said earlier except from a different perspective. Hogan shows up on the Tron and basically tells Jeff Jarrett to lace up his boots or hit the bricks. Jarrett doesn’t seem to know what to think of it, and neither do I. We then cut to a Christopher Daniels promo, who is cut short by Jeremy Borash in favor of Mick Foley finally entering the arena.....that’s not a good sign. Interrupting the young guys promos to renew focus on the old guys is NOT a good way to conduct business. We then cut back to Jeff Hardy and Shannon Moore being excited for some crazy painting of what I would have to assume is an ode to what Monkeystyle really looks like. And Jesus Christ how many promos was that in a row? 7?
“The Monster†Abyss vs. Samoa Joe
This was another fun little match. Nothing too special but you could tell Samoa Joe was working extra stiff to try and up his game tonight. My problem is that they didn’t even mention the fact that Samoa Joe has the World Title Feast Or Fired briefcase, and Abyss’ 6 month long feud with Dr. Stevie was exactly what I feared it was. Just a filler storyline with no real plans to move him up the card after it was done with. Sad day for me. But wasn’t a BAD match for all intents and purposes.
Kristal then is backstage talking with Eric Bischoff. Bischoff pretty much blows her off, but I’m at least glad they didn’t just do the one promo and forgot about Lashley the rest of the night. We then get backstage where Beer Money is laid out, and Bubba The Love Sponge thinks he knows who did it. And yet you don’t divulge that information? Pointless much.
We get promo #3 where the Nasty Boys are able to sneak into the building with the help of Bubba the Love Sponge. This isn’t going to end well for me tonight is it? Angle does a DAMN good job of hyping the title fight tonight, obviously he’s ready to up his game tonight for the main event. Then finally we get Jeff Hardy & Shannon Moore leaving the building, which they hand over the painting of Monkeystyle to some little girls and get in their car. I’m sure she will cherish that portrait forever MS. And in Promo #6 in a row we get the Nasty Boys trashing the locker room of Team 3D. Which means we are sure to get Team 3D Vs. Nasty Boys at Genesis. My worst fears have come true.
Main Event:
TNA World Heavyweight Championship:
AJ Styles Vs. Kurt Angle
Apparently the masked man came in to try and attack AJ Styles. The DQ isn’t called however and Kurt Angle ejects him from the ring......sooooo it’s ok for a masked man to an outside interference in a title fight but it’s not ok for Homicide to slap bitches with a baton during a steel cage match? Riiiiight. Either way, simply amazing match. 5 Stars all the way guaranteed. These guys put on a show and I was glad to know that the show was going to end off at least on the proper note, with incredible wrestling.
HOWEVER.....Hulk Hogan has to come out, because heaven forbid the spotlight can’t be on somebody else for TWO FREAKIN’ SECONDS. And he starts praising the two wrestles in the ring. Which I could of almost dealt with. But THEEEEEN we get cut backstage where Mick Foley gets into a verbal exchange with Val Venis for no reason whatsoever. He then goes to his former office and confronts Eric Bischoff, and then he gets beat down by the N.W.O. Hogan comes in and doesn’t even break up the donnybrook, but looks ominously around the room as we get a close up of his face. And that’s IMPACT.
No. No no no NO NO NO FUCKING NO!
This could of been so great. This could of been such a GLORIOUS FUCKING NIGHT FOR TNA! And in alot of ways, it was. In alot of ways they had a huge unpredictibility factor, they brought in JEFF HARDY of all people. They brought in all the big names they could find. But at the end of the day that was the very fucking problem!
Every single elderly jackass of WCW’s past was basically brought into this. The only fucking thing they were missing was bringing in Ken Anderson, Psycho Sid & Rob Van Dam. All my worst fears have come true and even IF TNA does an amazing magical number tomorrow at Neilson it would of all been tarnished.
We have Ric Flair needlessly getting himself involved with AJ Styles business apparently. We have the return of the N.W.O all but CONFIRMED on our hands. We have the Nasty Boys in the tag team division which is only a matter of time before they squash everyone else and become champions. We have Orlando Jordan coming in to fuck up D’Angelo Dineros push. We have Val Venis, who while awesome, is basically gonna be the new Kip James for the Beautiful People. Hell the only fucking BRIGHT SPOT in this show that was as good as the hype made it out to be was Jeff Hardy returning to TNA and the Main Event. But even THEN Hardy being in TNA is the worst financial mistake he could of ever made of his career, as he could of made MILLIONS more by being WWE’s next Mega Star. And the Main Event is overshadowed by MORE NEW WORLD ORDER HIJINX AND IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY FUCKING STOMACH!
FUCK THIS. I don’t WANT a Monday Night War if this is how it’s gonna go down. It’s WCW Junior taking on Kiddy Shit WWE. Both are HORRIBLE options for a wrestling promotion to get behind. I can’t fucking stand it!
Before I end up ripping my hair out from frustration, anxiety & damn near depression, I’m gonna end this review here. I have no doubts this show was a hundred times better than RAW. But when you have to be crap made great when compared to worse, you know the wrestling industry is dead.
