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Re: The Wing Kong Exchange
Welcome back to the second part of our mammoth review of No Holds Barred, or Der Hammer as its known in Germany. Between you and me, I'd think Der Hammer would be a better name for a film starring Greg Valentine rather than Hulk Hogan, but hey, what do I know? Anyway, when we left yesterday, Rip and his lady friend Sam had just left the diner and were heading to their hotel. Once they arrived, Sam was horrified to find that they had to share a room and even worse, a bed. Rip tries to prove how much of a gentleman he is by putting up a curtain between the two but before they sleep, they have a heart to heart about not having time for relationships. Rip confesses that its hard to meet the right woman but Sam thinks he's being patronizing. Rip turns out the lights but he has trouble sleeping and so decides to do push up's to relax. This wakes up Sam, who wonders why the bed is shaking, and this is what she sees when she pulls back the curtain....
So you've got a hot chick in her bra and panties on one side of the bed and a dude in his briefs on the other and you SHOW THE DUDE??!? Yeah, I don't get it either, but Sam doesn't seem to mind and even stares at it for a few moments. A little later, Rip decides to elbow drop the bed while getting into it (seriously) and it breaks, causing Sam to fall into his arms. She won't have any of it though, and tells Rip to get off of her because she's not one of his groupies and to take his curtain back. Rip responds with one of the greatest lines in cinematic history...
That is some seriously high concept stuff right there, well if you're writing for a soap opera that is. Amazingly enough, Hogan delivers that line with all the gusto of a soap opera star, and one has to wonder why he never tried getting into that line of work. Oh wait, wrestling is a male soap opera, how silly of me to forget that. Rip leaves to go sleep on the couch (in his underwear I might add) while Sam goes somewhere else. Where does she go you ask? Why she goes to see Brell, because she's been working for him all along, and when she tells him that she's built up more walls than Rip ever could here's his response...
Now that's how you deal with an emotional wall, you smash it down with your woman-hating fist! Sam goes crying to Rip and he takes her in, totally forgetting that she was trying to fuck him over because hey, she's about to put out. He's on the couch with her and is on his way to second base when Zeus appears on television and Rip stops what he's doing to watch. Yes, you heard that right, he STOPS making out with a hot chick because another MAN appears on television. As if the scene with him doing push up's in his underwear wasn't enough homoeroticism for this film already. However, there's actually more to come, as the next day Rip is out doing some charity work when the following helicopter makes a landing....
Yes, Zeus has come to make a challenge and he's come to do it in the homo-copter. I don't know about you, but I'd take him a little more seriously if he wasn't flying around in something that even the dudes from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn't be seen in. Rip doesn't seem to take him seriously either (you can't blame him, that helicopter really is gay) and so Zeus flies off to go play with unicorns and ponies while Rip looks on. Instead of dwelling on this though, Rip decides to pick up where he left off with Sam, but some dude is attacking her in her parking garage so he deals with him first. He deals with him by crotching him on the front of his motorcycle before driving him into the tree while saying "Harley and me and you in the tree" as I sit back, totally baffled at how this film didn't win the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. I mean, with dialogue like that, how the hell could it lose? Anyhow, while this is going on, Rip's brother goes to watch Zeus fight, which is a bad idea. Why is it a bad idea? Because he's Rip's brother and he's near Zeus, and you know what happens to Rip's brother when he's near Zeus? That's right, THIS happens....
Zeus beats up poor Randy so severely that he actually has a facial expression for a change and when Rip finds out he heads to Zeus' gym and has a freak out episode. This isn't made any better by seeing Brell on the television and so Rip does what he does best, he strips to his underwear and does push up's. No, just kidding, he actually smashes a mirror and looks on in horror as he realizes he was simply looking at a projection of Zeus. This scene is actually pretty surreal and easily the best in the film so far, but that's probably just because I'm on my 6th beer. Rip trashes the rest of the gym and then goes to visit his brother, where he shows some real emotion by crying at his bedside. You know, I could make fun of the man for crying but he's just so goddamn manly when he's doing it that you can't help but want to become a woman so you can bear his fucking children. In fact, I cried along with Rip and I feel more fucking manly because of it, so yeah, Rip rules. Brell announces that there's going to be a fight coming up in two weeks between Rip and Zeus and so the training montage begins. How does Zeus train you ask? Well take a look....
That's right, he fucking punches concrete blocks to pieces bitches! Do you honestly want to mess with a dude who punches concrete blocks? Yeah, didn't think so, and apparently neither does Rip, since instead of training he's spending all of his time helping his brother rehab. Included in these touching shots are scenes of him gingerly massaging his brother's legs while also helping him learn to walk again. This will become important later so keep it in mind. Sam shows up to the big fight but gets kidnapped by Brell and taken to his suite. Brell uses her for leverage and tells Rip that he has to go down (more homoeroticism) and stay down after 10 minutes or it'll be curtains for him and his bitch. Rip don't like nobody threatening his bitch, so he tells Doc and his brother's friend to go find her while he heads out to the ring to "Rip 'Em". The match between Rip and Zeus goes pretty much how you'd expect the standard Hogan match of the 80's to go, with Zeus getting in almost all the offence before Rip begins his magical comeback. At the same time, his comeback has inspired his brother to make a comeback of his own as we see here...
That's right Rip's brother can now MOVE HIS FINGER!! The power of Rip has defeated his paralysis. Wait, wasn't he walking two scenes before this? Now that's what I call a fucking plot hole the size of the Grand Canyon, but man does it ever make this movie THAT MUCH BETTER!!! Rip continues his thunderous comeback and starts his standard no sell of everything until Zeus takes off and heads upstairs. Before he does so though, he takes the time to put the boots to Rip's brother, because nothing says heel like using your heels right? Zeus gets distracted by how much of a bad ass he is, which allows Rip to sneak up on him, attack him from behind before hitting him with a double Axe Handle (apparently his finisher here) right off the balcony and THROUGH THE FUCKING RING!!! Zeus is dead (and drooling) and Rip heads for Brell in his little observation tower, but Brell uses the threat of harsh language by once again calling him a jock ass before backing into some electrical equipment. The result of this can only be described as jocking...positively jocking.
The entire audience realizes they've just witnessed a man electrocuted to death and what do they do? They fucking cheer, that's what they do, while Rip celebrates with his brother before giving us one final "Rip 'Em" sign to send us home happy. That's what the goddamn 80's were all about and I swear there's no better snapshot of the entire decade than No Holds Barred, a fucking classic to be sure. It's got wrestling, electrocutions, punching concrete blocks, STAN MOTHERFUCKING HANSEN insulting dudes with small dicks, a dude shitting his pants and Hulk Hogan doing push up's in his underwear. What the hell more can you ask for from a movie? The short answer is nothing and while its not a good movie from a critical standpoint its a fucking great piece of entertainment. I'll split the difference, go 5/10 and recommend it to all wrestling fans and also to people who like gay helicopters, because there's bound to be a few of them out there too.
"Until Monday....RIP 'EM!!!"
No Holds Barred - Part 2
Welcome back to the second part of our mammoth review of No Holds Barred, or Der Hammer as its known in Germany. Between you and me, I'd think Der Hammer would be a better name for a film starring Greg Valentine rather than Hulk Hogan, but hey, what do I know? Anyway, when we left yesterday, Rip and his lady friend Sam had just left the diner and were heading to their hotel. Once they arrived, Sam was horrified to find that they had to share a room and even worse, a bed. Rip tries to prove how much of a gentleman he is by putting up a curtain between the two but before they sleep, they have a heart to heart about not having time for relationships. Rip confesses that its hard to meet the right woman but Sam thinks he's being patronizing. Rip turns out the lights but he has trouble sleeping and so decides to do push up's to relax. This wakes up Sam, who wonders why the bed is shaking, and this is what she sees when she pulls back the curtain....
So you've got a hot chick in her bra and panties on one side of the bed and a dude in his briefs on the other and you SHOW THE DUDE??!? Yeah, I don't get it either, but Sam doesn't seem to mind and even stares at it for a few moments. A little later, Rip decides to elbow drop the bed while getting into it (seriously) and it breaks, causing Sam to fall into his arms. She won't have any of it though, and tells Rip to get off of her because she's not one of his groupies and to take his curtain back. Rip responds with one of the greatest lines in cinematic history...
"you don't need THIS, you built up more walls than I ever could."
That is some seriously high concept stuff right there, well if you're writing for a soap opera that is. Amazingly enough, Hogan delivers that line with all the gusto of a soap opera star, and one has to wonder why he never tried getting into that line of work. Oh wait, wrestling is a male soap opera, how silly of me to forget that. Rip leaves to go sleep on the couch (in his underwear I might add) while Sam goes somewhere else. Where does she go you ask? Why she goes to see Brell, because she's been working for him all along, and when she tells him that she's built up more walls than Rip ever could here's his response...
Now that's how you deal with an emotional wall, you smash it down with your woman-hating fist! Sam goes crying to Rip and he takes her in, totally forgetting that she was trying to fuck him over because hey, she's about to put out. He's on the couch with her and is on his way to second base when Zeus appears on television and Rip stops what he's doing to watch. Yes, you heard that right, he STOPS making out with a hot chick because another MAN appears on television. As if the scene with him doing push up's in his underwear wasn't enough homoeroticism for this film already. However, there's actually more to come, as the next day Rip is out doing some charity work when the following helicopter makes a landing....
Yes, Zeus has come to make a challenge and he's come to do it in the homo-copter. I don't know about you, but I'd take him a little more seriously if he wasn't flying around in something that even the dudes from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy wouldn't be seen in. Rip doesn't seem to take him seriously either (you can't blame him, that helicopter really is gay) and so Zeus flies off to go play with unicorns and ponies while Rip looks on. Instead of dwelling on this though, Rip decides to pick up where he left off with Sam, but some dude is attacking her in her parking garage so he deals with him first. He deals with him by crotching him on the front of his motorcycle before driving him into the tree while saying "Harley and me and you in the tree" as I sit back, totally baffled at how this film didn't win the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. I mean, with dialogue like that, how the hell could it lose? Anyhow, while this is going on, Rip's brother goes to watch Zeus fight, which is a bad idea. Why is it a bad idea? Because he's Rip's brother and he's near Zeus, and you know what happens to Rip's brother when he's near Zeus? That's right, THIS happens....
Zeus beats up poor Randy so severely that he actually has a facial expression for a change and when Rip finds out he heads to Zeus' gym and has a freak out episode. This isn't made any better by seeing Brell on the television and so Rip does what he does best, he strips to his underwear and does push up's. No, just kidding, he actually smashes a mirror and looks on in horror as he realizes he was simply looking at a projection of Zeus. This scene is actually pretty surreal and easily the best in the film so far, but that's probably just because I'm on my 6th beer. Rip trashes the rest of the gym and then goes to visit his brother, where he shows some real emotion by crying at his bedside. You know, I could make fun of the man for crying but he's just so goddamn manly when he's doing it that you can't help but want to become a woman so you can bear his fucking children. In fact, I cried along with Rip and I feel more fucking manly because of it, so yeah, Rip rules. Brell announces that there's going to be a fight coming up in two weeks between Rip and Zeus and so the training montage begins. How does Zeus train you ask? Well take a look....
That's right, he fucking punches concrete blocks to pieces bitches! Do you honestly want to mess with a dude who punches concrete blocks? Yeah, didn't think so, and apparently neither does Rip, since instead of training he's spending all of his time helping his brother rehab. Included in these touching shots are scenes of him gingerly massaging his brother's legs while also helping him learn to walk again. This will become important later so keep it in mind. Sam shows up to the big fight but gets kidnapped by Brell and taken to his suite. Brell uses her for leverage and tells Rip that he has to go down (more homoeroticism) and stay down after 10 minutes or it'll be curtains for him and his bitch. Rip don't like nobody threatening his bitch, so he tells Doc and his brother's friend to go find her while he heads out to the ring to "Rip 'Em". The match between Rip and Zeus goes pretty much how you'd expect the standard Hogan match of the 80's to go, with Zeus getting in almost all the offence before Rip begins his magical comeback. At the same time, his comeback has inspired his brother to make a comeback of his own as we see here...
That's right Rip's brother can now MOVE HIS FINGER!! The power of Rip has defeated his paralysis. Wait, wasn't he walking two scenes before this? Now that's what I call a fucking plot hole the size of the Grand Canyon, but man does it ever make this movie THAT MUCH BETTER!!! Rip continues his thunderous comeback and starts his standard no sell of everything until Zeus takes off and heads upstairs. Before he does so though, he takes the time to put the boots to Rip's brother, because nothing says heel like using your heels right? Zeus gets distracted by how much of a bad ass he is, which allows Rip to sneak up on him, attack him from behind before hitting him with a double Axe Handle (apparently his finisher here) right off the balcony and THROUGH THE FUCKING RING!!! Zeus is dead (and drooling) and Rip heads for Brell in his little observation tower, but Brell uses the threat of harsh language by once again calling him a jock ass before backing into some electrical equipment. The result of this can only be described as jocking...positively jocking.
The entire audience realizes they've just witnessed a man electrocuted to death and what do they do? They fucking cheer, that's what they do, while Rip celebrates with his brother before giving us one final "Rip 'Em" sign to send us home happy. That's what the goddamn 80's were all about and I swear there's no better snapshot of the entire decade than No Holds Barred, a fucking classic to be sure. It's got wrestling, electrocutions, punching concrete blocks, STAN MOTHERFUCKING HANSEN insulting dudes with small dicks, a dude shitting his pants and Hulk Hogan doing push up's in his underwear. What the hell more can you ask for from a movie? The short answer is nothing and while its not a good movie from a critical standpoint its a fucking great piece of entertainment. I'll split the difference, go 5/10 and recommend it to all wrestling fans and also to people who like gay helicopters, because there's bound to be a few of them out there too.
"Until Monday....RIP 'EM!!!"