Re: The Wing Kong Exchange
No Holds Barred - Part One
Rip is the champion of the World Wrestling Federation, an all around nice guy who adores his fans and loves his charity work. He has proven to be a big ratings draw for the network he wrestles for, a fact that does not escape the attention of World Television Network executive Brell, Seeing Rip as the key to ratings success, Brell offers him a blank check to come perform on his network instead, but Rip won't hear of it. Rejected, Brell decides to start his own wrestling show, The Battle of the Tough Guys, and soon a violent, mysterious man wins the contest. His name is Zeus, and soon Brell realizes that the ultimate ratings can only come if Zeus and Rip square off in a battle to the death.
The year was 1989. Hulk Hogan was fresh off his title win over Randy Savage at Wrestlemania V and had already cemented his place as the top wrestler in the world. Not only that, he was a goddamn superhero to millions and probably banged every woman in the continental US. Ok, so maybe that's an exaggeration, but the truth is, Hogan was HOT. One man who knew this was Vince McMahon, self-styled genius, billionaire playboy and part-time steroid junkie. Vince was also Hulk's boss, the owner of the World Wrestling Federation and he soon came to realize that if Hogan was so popular in wrestling, it stood to reason that he'd have some serious crossover appeal. So he commissioned a script for a film that would star Hogan as, what else, a wrestler. Unfortunately when he got it back he hated it, so he and the Hulkster spent 72 hours in a Florida hotel room, binging on cocaine, banging ring rats and "tweaking" the script until it satisfied them. What came from that 72 hours, besides a scorching case of herpes, is one of the all time greatest pieces of cine-trash ever made, a film so brilliant in its stupidity that it truly defies words. No Holds Barred may be the best worst movie ever made, and because of that I felt it only fair to look at it in the same way I covered the Star Wars Holiday Special. So get ready for a real treat folks, because there's no ring, no ref and no rules in this review, and yeah, there's no holds barred too.
That is actually the very first shot in the film, which just tells you how fucking awesome everything else is going to be from here on in. I mean, nothing starts a movie off properly like a slobbering Hulk Hogan right? Jesse Ventura and Gene Okerlund are at an arena where Rip is putting his title on the line against Jake Bullet (Demolition's Ax, Bill Eadie), a tough guy who wears eye shadow. Bullet has Rip down, but he magically rips up and gets the victory, shouting his catchphrase, "Rip 'Em", to all his adoring fans. This pisses off the evil network executive Brell (Kurt Fuller), a no nonsense motherfucker who just hates Rip to pieces. How do I know this? He calls him a "jock ass", which is just about the most manly insult I've ever heard in my life. Seriously, what other reaction could you have from someone calling you a "jock ass" than to cower in fear and soil yourself? Brell has a meeting with his associates and, after grabbing a phallic symbol off of his desk and talking about Rip stripping down to his sweet nothings, takes the time to tell one of them, a female no less, to "take a leak". This sends her scampering out of the room in tears while I realize someone should be paying Brell everything. He shows a poster of Rip, while still clutching the phallic symbol, and says "THIS IS WHAT I WANT" in a completely non-sexual way. He also says that "even Rip has his price" which made me think that the only way this film could have been better is if Ted DiBiase had played Brell instead of Fuller.
"Everbody's got a price for the Brellion dollar man."
This leads Brell to call Rip in for a meeting where he slowly explains that he'll pay him to switch networks. He explains it slowly because he thinks Rip is stupid see, but Mama Rip didn't raise no stupid Rips and after Brell calls him a jock ass one too many times, Rip decides to shove his blank check down his throat. He prefaces this bold move by saying "I WON'T be around when this check clears" which is funny because its a poop joke. This further serves to piss Brell off and so he has his limo driver take Rip to a secluded garage where a bunch of thugs are ready to take him down. Of course, this is Rip we're talking about here, and he's not going to go out so easily. First he basically destroys the limo from the inside with his feet of fury before causing it to crash through a bunch of props while Jim Johnston's modal jazz music plays in the background. After the limo comes to a stop, Rip decides to Rip Up and blow his way RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF OF THE LIMO!!!!
He gets thrown from the top of the limo to the concrete and hits it hard, but this is Rip so he totally no sells that shit! He then beats the shit out of a few of the thugs for a minute or so before he gets his hands on the driver. Of course he's SO scary that the driver literally shits his pants, which causes Rip to smell something funny. He asks the driver what it is and the poor guy says "DOOOOKIE". Rip's response is worth more than a million words, so lets see it in animated form instead....
Of course Rip is such a fucking man that not only does he get disgusted by this smell, he actually sniffs away at the air for a few moments after finding out what it is. If that was improvisational, Hogan is a genius, because nothing proves your manhood more than revelling in the smell of shit! After this harrowing experience, Rip goes to his own network and meets his new accountant executive, Sam, who turns out to actually be a woman named Samantha (Joan Severance). She goes on about Rip's merchandising and q-rating but all Rip cares about is what she's got on under that white power suit she's wearing. Hell, he even makes odd grunting noises when he's looking at her, as if he needed to give any more indication that he just wanted to jump her bones right there in the boardroom. He tells her his main interest is his charity work and that she should "put that in her brief" which is apparently such a good line that she invites him to a fancy French restaurant for dinner. The second she said it would be "dressy" I was hoping Rip would show up in a tuxedo with no arms, but unfortunately that probably would have been too awesome and so he wears a simple white one instead. This leads to a funny scene at the restaurant where a stuffy waiter tries to make fun of Rip only to find out that he actually speaks French and goes to the restaurant all the time...oh the laughs!
"Oh Hogan you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind Hey Hogan, Hey Hogan!"
Meanwhile, Brell and his cronies head to a place called The No Count Bar, quite possibly the most vile place in the entire universe. This place features guys like Jos Le Duc and Rick Allen beating the hell out of each other, a beer drinking midget in a cage above the ring and a waitress who suggests they go to a gay bar instead. You know what else this bar has? Stan Hansen.
That's right folks, Stan MOTHERFUCKING Hansen, and he's at his ornery best here, taking Brell's money and beating the shit out of Le Duc. Hansen is such a man that after he mauls Le Duc he punches holes in a beer keg with his bare hands and guzzles it, totally making Stone Cold's trick with a simple can look like something a little girl would do. Brell's cronies go to the bathroom and boy what a bathroom it turns out to be. First of all, it doesn't even say bathroom, it says V.D room, which is usually not a good sign unless you're into that sort of thing. There's no urinals, just some nasty looking piss troughs and there's also a dog chained up in the corner. Why is there a dog chained up in the corner? Because this is the bathroom from hell, that's why, and also because hey, why shouldn't there be dogs chained up in bathrooms? The executives are "bleeding the lizard's" (their words, not mine) when suddenly they hear something disgusting coming from a toilet in the corner. It's STAN MOTHERFUCKING HANSEN again, and he's none too pleased that they just called him and idiot, though he says "idit" because he's too cool for the letter "o". He threatens to shove their faces into the piss but then he notices their teeny wang's and says that it ain't even worth it before grabbing his obviously huge cock and laughing his way out of the room.
Stan Hansen is my fucking hero and he really should be yours too. Anyhow, from all of this excitement, Brell decides to host his own show "Battle of the Tough Guys" from the No Count Bar. This involves a competition where guys like Brock Chisler, Klondike Kramer and others can compete to win a prize of $100,000....tax free. They head back to the bar, where Hansen gets to diss the teeny wangers again while his sister gets in some jibes as well. Once the battle begins, things are getting pretty hairy until out of nowhere this big fucking dude shows up and smashes through the wall of the bar. Everyone tries to take him out but he's having none of it as he literally beats them to pieces while Rip, his brother and his trainer (who looks like a human Doc from Mike Tyson's Punch Out) watch on television. We discover that Doc knows the big guy (but he's not proud of it) and that he went to jail for killing some kid after the bell had rung. Now that's a fucking bad ass if I've ever heard of one, and soon this bad man has taken out everyone including Hansen. He shows his dominance by ripping off Hansen's hair...now THAT'S fucking manly!!!
Brell gets into the ring, announces him as the winner and asks him his name. His reply..."ZEUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSsssssssss". As the winner and reigning champion, Zeus heads off to an industrial building for Battle of the Tough Guys II, where his opponent is a man named Lugwrench Perkins (Jeep Swenson). This guy not only has an awesome name, he also carries a big lug wrench with him and tries to take out Zeus with it. Of course Zeus is just way too much man for that and before long he annihilates Perkins and basically kills him because he's evil you know. If you didn't know that by now, you sure as hell will after this shot....
Yep, that's one evil dude alright, only evil dudes wear chain mail vests and big belt buckles with the letter "Z" on them, its a rule. Meanwhile, Rip and Sam(antha) head off to have some dinner at a local greasy spoon. Unfortunately their romantic evening at a place that serves grits as a side with everything is interrupted by some pesky robbers. Rip is obviously way too much man to take something like that lying down so he takes out the robbers with some carefully timed pie throws to the face. That's right folks, he defeats them with pie, which basically proves he's the greatest man to ever walk the face of the earth. There's a really great song playing in the background here that sounds exactly like the one that they used to use to intro Monday Night Football but with some modified lyrics like "I've got ketchup on my blue jeans". Damn, even the soundtrack to this movie is awesome. After Rip gets rid of these douchebag robbers who had the audacity to interrupt his date, he gives the famous "Rip 'Em" sign like only he can.....
What a man. That will conclude our trip through the first half of No Holds Barred and trust me, things just get better from here but you'll have to wait until tomorrow for that one. The thrilling conclusion features high drama, emotional walls, push up's, electrocutions and the ultimate showdown between Rip and Zeus. Until tomorrow kids...RIP 'EM!!