World Champion's Tournament - First Round
Live from Arena Birmingham - Birmingham, England
Big Bully Busick (Chris) vs. Vladimir Koloff (Grim)
Koloff tries the "sing 'em into submission" tactic he learned from his fellow Russian, but it's clear that this won't work on the old-timey bruiser! Pretty soon, it looks like Koloff is down for the count after a heart punch, but the referee won't count the pin, as his foot is under the rope by about a millionth of an inch! The Russian raises his leg and gets Busick right in the balls, which the referee ignores, and gets a cheap pin. The ref raises his hand.... then joins him in the singing of the Soviet anthem! It's a crooked foreign referee!
Winner: Vladimir Koloff in 5:31. Rating: **
Garett Bischoff (Blaine) vs. Dustin "Screech" Diamond (KIF)
A promoter's son and an actor in a wrestling match... It's best we don't talk about the quality of this one. It goes nearly TEN MINUTES, and fans hate it. Diamond ultimately progresses after Meanie and Nova rush in to beat on Garett, leaving him open to a simple pin. Now, let's hope he has a good match next.... oh shit, it's against the worst Koloff.
Winner: Dustin "Screech" Diamond in 9:40. Rating: -**1/2
Nova stays out to take part in his match...
Hollywood Nova (Juice) vs. Terry Taylor (Chris)
Finally, hopefully the fans will be pleased with a decent bit of action. This match effectively ping-pongs from the inside to the outside, playing off speed and technical skill. The match ends with a Flying Fivearm from Taylor... to the outside, knocking both men out! A double count-out! Well, fuck! Guess that means someone gets a bye to the next round.
Winner: double count-out in 18:18. Rating: ***1/2
Sammy Guevara (Blaze) vs. Krusher Kruschev (Grim)
Both men fight harder than usual, knowing that this win will be an instant ticket to the semi-finals, and therefore the big stage in London. It's a delightful little clash of styles as the high-flying Spanish God meets the powerhouse Russian. Ultimately, though, Guevara can't break the big man down and gets tangled in a half crab like Homeless Jimmy was!
Winner: Krusher Kruschev in 16:59. Rating: ***3/4
Dave Sullivan (Chris) vs. Baron Corbin (KIF)
Busick may be the "Big Bully", but it's Corbin who is unbelievably horrid to this vulnerable individual. He hits an End of Days early on.... but doesn't even bother pinning him, looking just to kill him some more. After leg dropping a stuffed rabbit for heat, Corbin goes for a Deep Six on the steel steps, but Dave escapes somehow. He seems dead on his feet until... holy surprise roll-up! Dave progresses, somehow!
Winner: Dave Sullivan in 12:42. Rating: ***
Sami Zayn (Jeff) vs. Stevie Richards (Juice)
This is just... a really good straight wrestling match, I don't even know what to tell you. Stevie Richards shows why computer-generated audiences in 2010 loved him so as he puts on a technical spectacle with a fellow gifted wrestler in Zayn. Think multiple Stevie Kick and Helluva Kick setups, none of which manages to get a win. Sami is looking over his shoulder, as he fears Meanie and Nova are always about to come out and reveal themselves as part of the conspiracy that has dogged him recently. This means his eyes aren't fully on the prize, so he finally eats a Stevie Kick and gets his ass pinned.
Winner: Stevie Richards in 21:37. Rating: ****1/2
In between matches, it's announced that the S.H.I.T. Board of Directors has declared the Second Round taping to be an Open Fight Night! That is, wrestlers already eliminated from the tournament can openly challenge each other, as much as TV time will allow (so, up to 4).
Nikita Koloff (Grim) vs. Hangman Adam Page (Jeff)
Hangman's lower third title: "Vodka? Eh, overrated". Whilst he has a bottle of the stuff in his hand. You're fooling no one. In a fairly short match, it's that very bottle that is Page's downfall as Nikita grabs it out of the sight of the referee (an American referee) and James Storms it over his opponent's head. The Russians are three for three! Can anyone stop them?
Winner: Nikita Koloff in 6:26. Rating: **1/2 and Coke
Falls Count Anywhere - Damien Sandow (Blaine) vs. Dezmond Xavier (Blaze)
Match of the night, simply because there is no limit to Dez's creativity as to where he'll go and what he'll do. There's jumping off of stage pieces, trash can attacks, and that's just when they stay in the arena at all! They start to brawl across the road, where they take it to a nearby local library! This is Sandow's element, and he is the winner of the resulting book-throwing war, even giving Dez a Terminus neckbreaker through the receptionist's desk. But that can't keep Dez down! He battles up to the top floor of the library, and gives a Jocay-le kick to Sandow.... sending him over a balcony, crashing into a bookshelf, which starts a domino effect that topples all the others!! Holy shit!! Even in the time it takes Dez to head down the stairs, Sandow isn't getting up from that! Dez moves on after a grueling battle!
Winner: Dezmond Xavier in 36:24. Rating: when we said "anywhere" we meant "ANYWHERE"
