Welcome to the first official edition of Sal Talks About Wrestling People, or, of course, STAWP. Every Monday (okay, some Mondays) I will endeavor to say at least one thing about everybody we saw on Raw. In approximate order of appearance:
Triple H: I had HHH pegged in as the first guy out before the show started. God, it's been so long since he came out to start the show and talked for over 10 minutes by himself. What was it, like, 2 months? Anyway, HHH is pretty much the GM/Owner of every E-Fed ever. He's in charge of everything, he gets all the best lines, and he could beat anybody up, you know, if he felt like it. He spent over 10 minutes giving us like 3 minutes worth of information and laying out in unspeakably detailed detail what was going through his mind last week.
Somehow HHH has risen in esteem since Wrestlemania 27. Remember, a year ago, when he said Undertaker was the only worthy challenge in the whole locker room, then he beat up Sheamus out of nowhere because that's what Asshole Superman does? He found a way to be worse than he was last year already. Now THE UNDERTAKER IS NOT WORTHY TO FACE HIM. HE FEELS BAD FOR THE UNDERTAKER, THE GUY WITH THE 19-0 RECORD AT WRESTLEMANIA, THE RECORD THAT MATTERED SOOOOO MUCH LAST YEAR THAT HHH INTERRUPTED TAKER'S LITTLE COWBOY ENTRANCE TO POINT AT THE SIGN AND STUFF.
You know they spent like 3 hours coming up with the longest, most unnecessary buildup to the rematch that nobody asked for. Christ, even Kayfabe HHH doesn't want the match to happen.
Undertaker:
1990-1996: I KILL THINGS.
1997-1999: I KILL THINGS AND SPEAK IN TONGUES.
2000-2003: I KILL THINGS AND RIDE A MOTORCYCLE.
2004-2010: I KILL THINGS AND WEAR THIS COOL BLACK STUFF AGAIN.
2011-2012: I'M OLD.
The weird thing about the start to this storyline is, it's obviously setting up for Taker to impress HHH by killing someone, to show he's not done yet. But can he even pull that off? More importantly, can he do it without his wig falling off?
And if he cares so much about getting revenge for Wrestlemania beatdowns, he totally owes Giant Gonzalez one, doesn't he?
Big Show: Hey fatass, the camouflage isn't working. I can still see you.
Daniel Bryan: I always complain when heels don't have credibility, but I actually went the other way during this match. Bryan was almost too good. Neutralizing Show for 5 minutes isn't going to make the crowd feel any differently about him, you know? They could've fast-forwarded to the AJ spot. Then again, I'm worrying about saving time in a show where HHH got 15 minutes to tell you about his feelings.
AJ: Oh, I'd give her a neck brace, if you know what I mean. I don't know what I mean.
Carl Edwards: If I understood the graphic correctly, Carl Edwards was there last week backstage and this is the first we heard of it this week. So we're supposed to believe that WWE let a celebrity within 1,000 feet of the building and didn't have them on screen immediately? I understand that this genre is all about suspending implausibility. I accept that every match lasts 5 minutes on TV and between 10-20 on PPV. I accept that men settle grudges by grabbing each others' arms and whipping each other around. I accept that a DDT is just a DDT unless a guy says it's his finisher, then it's a super DDT. BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT CARL EDWARDS SHOWED UP AND THEY MENTION IT AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT A WEEK LATER. THEY GAVE PEE-WEE HERMAN LIKE 30 MINUTES.
David Otunga: Otunga's awesome because he really never needs to win a match. He could be (and I'd argue is) the biggest chump on the roster, but it just never gets old watching him get his ass kicked. I think I just hate him because he's a law school graduate who actually has a job. Fuck that guy. Okay, I'm kidding. I can't hate anybody who matches his sweater-vests to his thermoses.
Sheamus: It's a pretty simple formula, isn't it? Protect a guy, let him beat up chumps, and he can get over like crazy. He's at the point where he's the go-to guy for "awww shit somebody's gettin fucked up" situations. WWE needs more Sheamuses (Sheami?). They need to work harder to find a select few guys to get behind. That's how you build the big matches down the road. Sheamus won't have any opponents that matter if you let Barrett lose to everybody and you let Rhodes lose to Khali (OH WE'RE GONNA GET TO THAT).
Charles Robinson: My god, he has pretty hair.
Chris Jericho: It was time for him to tie it all together, I guess. Part of me liked that Jericho said what so many of us had predicted about people stealing from him. But a bigger part of me felt remorseful at knowing what was going to happen before it happened. It makes me wish I was a kid again, back when I really didn't know why the Countdown to the Millennium ended in August 1999. I guess that's why the name of this site is Wrestling's Marks, eh?
But, um, Chris, you were badly reaching with some of those comparisons. Miz stole from you? Yup. Kofi did flashy moves? Umm...sure. R-Truth said "what's up" and that was stealing from you? I'm stuck on that one. You could say he stole that from Austin's "what," or the Bud Light "whasssssup" commercial, or the 5 billion people before him who said "what's up," but not you.
BACK BEFORE SHAWN MICHAELS WORE PANTS, I WORE PANTS
BEFORE BOB BACKLUND USED BIG WORDS, I INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
CM Punk: My notes (yes I took notes for this), word for word, as Punk walked down the ramp: "Please god don't Cena this."
AND HE JERICHO'D IT. WELL PLAYED SIR.
Wade Barrett: I like him too much, so even though I have nothing of substance to add, I'm throwing out a WADE BARRAH.
Cody Rhodes: Everybody who should never lose to the Great Khali, put a stupid hat on.
That's right, Cody! I was just saying...
NOT NOW HUNTER.
Anyway, I wish I could bet on things like "Cody Rhodes will pin Khali in the Chamber." Because after tonight, he should get to pin him like 25 times.
Great Khali: Khali reminds me of this:
[video=youtube;Etotg3S3BeI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Etotg3S3BeI[/video]
You basically have to run into him to take his offense. Any smart heel should just run around the ring avoiding him until he goes back to India to make a commercial or something.
Randy Orton: His character is now "wrestling guy who wrestles and likes slapping Indians." JINDER MAHAL, RANDY COMIN FOR YOU NUUUUGGGA
(yes that's going to change slightly every week)
John Cena: I think it's funny that in an age of digital media, one that WWE is slowly coming to accept, they still feel the need to use valuable TV time to show you a Cena video they showed last week. They even talked about Rock's tweet which referenced the video.
But there's a more fundamental problem with the video. It's all about how famous Cena is. Look, there's Cena on Access Hollywood, and Sportscenter, and he's hanging out with the Make-a-Wish kids, and that's awesome. But what they did violates a simple rule of storytelling: if you're going to create your own universe (you know, one where guys Irish whip each other), you can't go outside that universe within the show. Every movie or TV show's DVD has the gag reel, the deleted scenes, and the features. WWE put it on its main show, and they did it in a shameless effort to get people to root for Cena. The people booing him see right through it. It accomplishes nothing.
Eve: I'm glad she recovered well enough to do her pose on the stage this week.
Tamina: Congratulations for winning this week's award for the diva who has a stare-off with Beth Phoenix! Beth beats her in 3 minutes at the PPV, nobody cares, Wrestlezone releases a report saying Vince is disappointed in the divas.
The guy who replays things that happened an hour ago: I saw it the first time. I hate you.
Johnny Ace: I swear to god, when Johnny said he suggested a match between Cena and Kane at the PPV, I 100% expected HHH to say, "yeah, that's a great match. that's why I made it 10 minutes ago." And then I would have rubbed my bare ass on the TV.
Justin Roberts: LOL, talk much?
No seriously I hate this guy and I don't know why.
R-Truth
Kingston
Ziggler
Miz
What a completely random main-event. They could have legitimately advertised that they hadn't done a six-pack challenge since 1999 (I think) and promoted it for next week. Why they don't promote anything ahead of time if they're so worried about TV ratings is beyond me.
Brodus Clay: I like to think he came out during the commercial when R-Truth was hurt to recommend that somebody call his mother. SHEEE
Kane: "For the first time, I'm afraid of myself."
Chris Jericho: FUCK YOU I WAS AFRAID OF MYSELF FIRST
Triple H: I had HHH pegged in as the first guy out before the show started. God, it's been so long since he came out to start the show and talked for over 10 minutes by himself. What was it, like, 2 months? Anyway, HHH is pretty much the GM/Owner of every E-Fed ever. He's in charge of everything, he gets all the best lines, and he could beat anybody up, you know, if he felt like it. He spent over 10 minutes giving us like 3 minutes worth of information and laying out in unspeakably detailed detail what was going through his mind last week.
Somehow HHH has risen in esteem since Wrestlemania 27. Remember, a year ago, when he said Undertaker was the only worthy challenge in the whole locker room, then he beat up Sheamus out of nowhere because that's what Asshole Superman does? He found a way to be worse than he was last year already. Now THE UNDERTAKER IS NOT WORTHY TO FACE HIM. HE FEELS BAD FOR THE UNDERTAKER, THE GUY WITH THE 19-0 RECORD AT WRESTLEMANIA, THE RECORD THAT MATTERED SOOOOO MUCH LAST YEAR THAT HHH INTERRUPTED TAKER'S LITTLE COWBOY ENTRANCE TO POINT AT THE SIGN AND STUFF.
You know they spent like 3 hours coming up with the longest, most unnecessary buildup to the rematch that nobody asked for. Christ, even Kayfabe HHH doesn't want the match to happen.
Undertaker:
1990-1996: I KILL THINGS.
1997-1999: I KILL THINGS AND SPEAK IN TONGUES.
2000-2003: I KILL THINGS AND RIDE A MOTORCYCLE.
2004-2010: I KILL THINGS AND WEAR THIS COOL BLACK STUFF AGAIN.
2011-2012: I'M OLD.
The weird thing about the start to this storyline is, it's obviously setting up for Taker to impress HHH by killing someone, to show he's not done yet. But can he even pull that off? More importantly, can he do it without his wig falling off?
And if he cares so much about getting revenge for Wrestlemania beatdowns, he totally owes Giant Gonzalez one, doesn't he?
Big Show: Hey fatass, the camouflage isn't working. I can still see you.
Daniel Bryan: I always complain when heels don't have credibility, but I actually went the other way during this match. Bryan was almost too good. Neutralizing Show for 5 minutes isn't going to make the crowd feel any differently about him, you know? They could've fast-forwarded to the AJ spot. Then again, I'm worrying about saving time in a show where HHH got 15 minutes to tell you about his feelings.
AJ: Oh, I'd give her a neck brace, if you know what I mean. I don't know what I mean.
Carl Edwards: If I understood the graphic correctly, Carl Edwards was there last week backstage and this is the first we heard of it this week. So we're supposed to believe that WWE let a celebrity within 1,000 feet of the building and didn't have them on screen immediately? I understand that this genre is all about suspending implausibility. I accept that every match lasts 5 minutes on TV and between 10-20 on PPV. I accept that men settle grudges by grabbing each others' arms and whipping each other around. I accept that a DDT is just a DDT unless a guy says it's his finisher, then it's a super DDT. BUT I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THAT CARL EDWARDS SHOWED UP AND THEY MENTION IT AS AN AFTERTHOUGHT A WEEK LATER. THEY GAVE PEE-WEE HERMAN LIKE 30 MINUTES.
David Otunga: Otunga's awesome because he really never needs to win a match. He could be (and I'd argue is) the biggest chump on the roster, but it just never gets old watching him get his ass kicked. I think I just hate him because he's a law school graduate who actually has a job. Fuck that guy. Okay, I'm kidding. I can't hate anybody who matches his sweater-vests to his thermoses.
Sheamus: It's a pretty simple formula, isn't it? Protect a guy, let him beat up chumps, and he can get over like crazy. He's at the point where he's the go-to guy for "awww shit somebody's gettin fucked up" situations. WWE needs more Sheamuses (Sheami?). They need to work harder to find a select few guys to get behind. That's how you build the big matches down the road. Sheamus won't have any opponents that matter if you let Barrett lose to everybody and you let Rhodes lose to Khali (OH WE'RE GONNA GET TO THAT).
Charles Robinson: My god, he has pretty hair.
Chris Jericho: It was time for him to tie it all together, I guess. Part of me liked that Jericho said what so many of us had predicted about people stealing from him. But a bigger part of me felt remorseful at knowing what was going to happen before it happened. It makes me wish I was a kid again, back when I really didn't know why the Countdown to the Millennium ended in August 1999. I guess that's why the name of this site is Wrestling's Marks, eh?
But, um, Chris, you were badly reaching with some of those comparisons. Miz stole from you? Yup. Kofi did flashy moves? Umm...sure. R-Truth said "what's up" and that was stealing from you? I'm stuck on that one. You could say he stole that from Austin's "what," or the Bud Light "whasssssup" commercial, or the 5 billion people before him who said "what's up," but not you.
BACK BEFORE SHAWN MICHAELS WORE PANTS, I WORE PANTS
BEFORE BOB BACKLUND USED BIG WORDS, I INVENTED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
CM Punk: My notes (yes I took notes for this), word for word, as Punk walked down the ramp: "Please god don't Cena this."
AND HE JERICHO'D IT. WELL PLAYED SIR.
Wade Barrett: I like him too much, so even though I have nothing of substance to add, I'm throwing out a WADE BARRAH.
Cody Rhodes: Everybody who should never lose to the Great Khali, put a stupid hat on.
That's right, Cody! I was just saying...
NOT NOW HUNTER.
Anyway, I wish I could bet on things like "Cody Rhodes will pin Khali in the Chamber." Because after tonight, he should get to pin him like 25 times.
Great Khali: Khali reminds me of this:
[video=youtube;Etotg3S3BeI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Etotg3S3BeI[/video]
You basically have to run into him to take his offense. Any smart heel should just run around the ring avoiding him until he goes back to India to make a commercial or something.
Randy Orton: His character is now "wrestling guy who wrestles and likes slapping Indians." JINDER MAHAL, RANDY COMIN FOR YOU NUUUUGGGA
(yes that's going to change slightly every week)
John Cena: I think it's funny that in an age of digital media, one that WWE is slowly coming to accept, they still feel the need to use valuable TV time to show you a Cena video they showed last week. They even talked about Rock's tweet which referenced the video.
But there's a more fundamental problem with the video. It's all about how famous Cena is. Look, there's Cena on Access Hollywood, and Sportscenter, and he's hanging out with the Make-a-Wish kids, and that's awesome. But what they did violates a simple rule of storytelling: if you're going to create your own universe (you know, one where guys Irish whip each other), you can't go outside that universe within the show. Every movie or TV show's DVD has the gag reel, the deleted scenes, and the features. WWE put it on its main show, and they did it in a shameless effort to get people to root for Cena. The people booing him see right through it. It accomplishes nothing.
Eve: I'm glad she recovered well enough to do her pose on the stage this week.
Tamina: Congratulations for winning this week's award for the diva who has a stare-off with Beth Phoenix! Beth beats her in 3 minutes at the PPV, nobody cares, Wrestlezone releases a report saying Vince is disappointed in the divas.
The guy who replays things that happened an hour ago: I saw it the first time. I hate you.
Johnny Ace: I swear to god, when Johnny said he suggested a match between Cena and Kane at the PPV, I 100% expected HHH to say, "yeah, that's a great match. that's why I made it 10 minutes ago." And then I would have rubbed my bare ass on the TV.
Justin Roberts: LOL, talk much?
No seriously I hate this guy and I don't know why.
R-Truth
Kingston
Ziggler
Miz
What a completely random main-event. They could have legitimately advertised that they hadn't done a six-pack challenge since 1999 (I think) and promoted it for next week. Why they don't promote anything ahead of time if they're so worried about TV ratings is beyond me.
Brodus Clay: I like to think he came out during the commercial when R-Truth was hurt to recommend that somebody call his mother. SHEEE
Kane: "For the first time, I'm afraid of myself."
Chris Jericho: FUCK YOU I WAS AFRAID OF MYSELF FIRST
