Reach for the (Minus) Stars: Sky's Collection of Bad Matches

[Sky]

Entry #1103
Don Leo Jonathan vs. Anton Geesink
Open Championship League Match
AJPW Open Championship League - December 6, 1975​

As you may have noticed if you clicked on that little "checklists" dropdown in post 3, Cagematch has a new oldest bad match! The crown once held by Rocky Johnson vs. Dr. D has been taken, and it's one that's unlikely to be beaten given how few crappy matches were taped around that time. We've got AJPW to thank, as on top of their Champion Carnival, they had another big tournament this year. And they filled it with more useless foreign shitters than is usual even in Baba-land. Case in point, these two. Past-it territory guy meets disinterested judo guy. 2.00/10 says the ever-present hivemind, are they right? Probably!

Really delayed lock-up, which leads to nothing. Jonathan gets on a headlock, come off the ropes, clash. Abdominal stretch, then Jonathan bundles Geesink over and hugs him a bit until Geesink tips them both on to the ropes. The above sequence takes 5 times longer than you guessed it would reading that. Geesink tries to control the arm, another rope break. Bear hug because it's... oh wait it really is the 1970s this time. Okay, I'll let it slide. Test of strength spot! It occurs to me that I'm over halfway through the video of this match. I'll tell you something for free though: we're so used to the American way of really selling holds, that this more realistic style where they're just standing there and not selling as much feels hokey and boring. Is that a fault of either style? Who knows, but it's why so many AJPW matches just don;t work anymore.

They go to ground and things get all folkstyle with Jonathan on top of Geesink. At least his scrambling is relatively energetic. Geesink appears to be going for a Boston crab but before something can threaten to happen Jonathan gets on the ropes. After a lot of standing and pacing, they lock up again. Geesink gets a hip toss, which is the most athletic thing he's done. They scramble about at the ropes, roll out, scrap a bit, then Jonathan just rolls in and wins with a really flat count-out. After all that nothing, the finish was nothing, too. Cool!

No effort, no flash, no heat, no point, nothing.

 

[Sky]

Entry #1104
Giant Haystacks vs. Kwik Kick Lee
World of Sport - January 29, 1983​

After that one, I briefly scanned the years between 1975 and 1984 to see if there was anything worth covering there. Not much promising, apart from more Anton Geesink (I dread to think). But this one is a juicy one. First of all, it's an incredible mismatch. Akira Maeda in his young lion junior heavyweight days taking on one of the great spheres of British wrestling history, on your television (if you happened to be watching television in January 1983). Also check out that name on Maeda. The most Chinese name a Japanese man has been given. There's no universe in which this is good, surely.

Maeda's a legit 6 foot 3, so there's no way that Haystacks is 6 foot 11 as advertised. He tries to wrench Haystacks' arm but lol, you're trying to make him wrestle. Haystacks just stands there and bounces his opponent off. Maeda tries to knock his opponent over before wrenching his leg and dangling him over the ropes. Kent Walton is unflappable as ever on commentary, just says "if he comes over here I'm off". Haystacks, a man Walton says "doesn't use too many wrestling holds", actually uses a wrist lock. He changes his mind though and goes for a boot choke. And something that isn't even a rope choke, just a hold against the ropes. That earns Haystacks a Public Warning.

Haystacks goozles Maeda and gently leads him to the corner for some pushes against the turnbuckle. And more boot choking. Maeda gets his first proper offence all match so far, a couple of Mongol-like chops, but Haystacks downs him with a punch to the gut (second Public Warning apparently). Haystacks misses a corner charge and Maeda starts chopping him and forearming him to his heart's content. None of this is sold though. Eventually his fatal mistake is to attempt to crossbody a larger man. One low-elevation splash later, done.

Wasn't enough of a bump-fest for this sort of match to work. I really like it when my little guys are bouncing off my bigger guys, you know? That's part of the appeal with say, Sapp vs. Dino.