7 hours is too god damn much. It's been a long while since I did one of my big PPV reviews because eh, didn't feel like doing them but it's WrestleMania time, so I feel semi-obligated to review the whole event, and fair warning, every other post will probably be snide comment about howmuch of my life this consumed. Like I had to work in the morning and the event wasn't even over at midnight like the said it would be. Did you know how little sleep I got WWE, do you even care? But seriously, I wasn't that bothered by the length though I think it's clear by the crowd reactions that most people cannot sustain the energy you guys want for 7 hours.
Also, I'm not counting the pre-show in this review so technically it's only 5 hours, but I did see the pre-show and I will comment on it right now. The two battle royals were the best Mania battle royals they've done in maybe ever, at least since the Andre the Giant Battle Royal started because there was actual storyline significance to them. Woken Wyatt being the prime example but I also honestly like the story of Bayley/Sasha, the constant betrayals for underachieved victory is a pretty cool angle. It would've worked better if I knew Naomi wasn't eliminated, they didn't track this well (Becky was also eliminated off-screen) and I only noticed her outside the ring when Mickie got eliminated. Also, fuck you guys for eliminating Kairi Sane post-commercial break. The Cruiserweight match was great.
WrestleMania 34 Review
Suck it Miz, Pedro Morales Forever
The Intercontinental Championship Triple Threat was easily one of the best matches of the night, and basically the only match of the night that doesn't contain a "Yeah, but" to my enjoyment. This was just three guys, having a lot of really great spots where in a rare showing of character development, Miz played without any heel chicanery and I'll be honest, he really impressed me. It takes a lot to not be out-worked by Rollins and Balor and Miz really didn't feel out-classed here, he definitely stepped up his game and that second rope Skull Crushing Finale spot was one of my favorites of the night. Though Rollins was definitely the MVP, and I loved how the match drew parallels to he in Finn by placing them in similar finisher sequences, the double followed by the solo (the Blackout on Balor over Miz especially looked great).
However, let me tell you my favorite thing about the match. Perhaps my favorite spot of the entire night. Because the match is a triple threat, at one point they were seemingly setting up for the banal superplex/powerbomb and I'm pretty sure I audibly groaned but Rollins was like, "Nope, that spot sucks" and instead did a rush of two of his best spots, the Buckle Bomb and the Superplex-Falcon Arrow sequence, and I can't tell you how satisfying that was.
Match Rating: 8/10
Well This is it Now, Everybody Bows Down, This is All She Can Take, This is How a Streak Breaks. She Takes
a Figure Eight, I See Her Tap Out, Makes my Jaw Hit the Floor, This is How my Heart Breaks
The match was excellent. Probably my favorite Women's match on the main roster, and easily the match of the night. That Moonsault counter into a Triangle Hold was one of my favorite spots of the night, and it actually showed why I think so highly of both of them. Charlotte's moonsault on it's own is a breathtaking visual spectacle but Asuka's counter, I'm still not even sure how that was possible. Like I know how she did it, but it was so quick and flawlessly executed by both (mostly Asuka). And that Spanish Fly spot that they stole from the Cruiserweight match, it was amazing and they type of spots this match needed. Near the end there were a lot of great submission transitions and reversals, it was all so great. Then Asuka tapped. And this is going to sound pathetic but that hurt. That hurt more than any wrestling match result. And it's not just because Asuka lost her Streak, I mean of course that's a huge part of it. Asuka's one of the few wrestlers who I actively engage with as a fan, meaning I'm not necessarily thinking logical booking strategies or how they can utilize her to further grow the women's division, I want to see her win. I want to see her be successful. And while I'm upset that the Streak ended because god damn was there still a lot of mileage for in and because this means Asuka will not get to be one of the first women to main event WrestleMania (congratulations Charlotte & Ronda, [triple threat maybe?). But I'm even more upset because this could be the end. My biggest worry leaving this match was that it meant Asuka as a priority is over. That the only reason she was ever focused on when she came to the main roster was because of her streak, and now that it's over there's nothing preventing Vince from slowly removing her from the top spot. And I don't necessarily expect that too happening but I'm also worried that Asuka will lose on a much more regular fashion, effectively ruining her aura. I'm going to tune into Raw specifically (which might be airing when I finish this since I procrastinate & multi-task & I have five hours to cover) because there was a ton of oddball booking decisions but also I need to see how the treat Asuka. Charlotte beating her should not open up the floodgates for everyone to suddenly get the wins back. Asuka needs to maintain her presence and her equity because otherwise, she lose her appeal and you'll retroactively make Charlotte's defeat mean less. If they carefully pick Asuka's loses every now and again, then it could have huge benefits for whoever achieves victories, if she starts losing, she is just like everyone else. Though, as long as she doesn't take the fall I don't think her losing tag matches or triple threats or whatever is going to damage her. I didn't quite understand why they thought it would in the first place.
Anyway, mostly in hindsight but even a little bit during the moment, there are certain things I do like about how they went about this. And when I say like, I mean appreciate because I really wish they didn't do it but whatever happens, happens, so look for the interesting. As Corny as it was, I liked the "Charlotte was ready" moment. For starters, it matched Asuka's character (maybe lacking incongruity with MMC Asuka but the problem there was her streak being ended due to Miz, not because she found a worthy opponent) but also because it WWE acknowledging that Asuka's streak was more important than the Championship. Nobody was talking about Charlotte retaining, it was Asuka losing, and WWE framing the streak like that was great. Also, I don't think the finish is as bad as most of you. Should Asuka have tapped out, god no. I think she should've held on at least ten more seconds longer but I actually think they did something clever. The One-Armed Figure Eight highlighted the struggle it took to beat Asuka. Could they have just had Charlotte hit a ton of Natural Selections, spam her finisher a lot until Asuka finally doesn't kick out? They could have, and if you'd say it'd be more dramatically effective and satisfying, I'd probably agree. But this is why I say Asuka's the most interesting, and I don't mean to imply she suggested the finish but this kind of stuff happens all the time in matches with her, because they went to show it in a way that's more unusual. The One-Armed Figure Eight accomplishes two things outside of looking damn impressive (I don't know if Charlotte's ever done a Two-Armed Figure Eight that looked that good). The first, is it highlights how much damage she took from Asuka. And it also highlights just how much Charlotte had to in order to beat Asuka. She didn't just have to hit 6 F-5's or something ridiculous like that, she had to triumph over physical trauma to perform her finish, and while I do think Asuka tapping kinda counter-acts the efforts that spot puts in, I do appreciate it. The commentators should've put this over more.
Match Rating: 9/10
This Was a Blatant Middle Finger
I'm not even a Rusev fan but it's pretty ridiculous that you put one of the most over wrestlers in the match, in an arena where Rusev Day Chants were nonstop, just to have him take the fall to one of the least liked wrestlers. And I get it, they wanted the heat and they like Jinder but how over does somebody have to be before you realize you could be making so much more money off them by just striking the iron while it's hot. It's not a hard concept. But whatever, this might lead to a lengthy program that will see Rusev fans finally get what they want.
Oh there was a match before the pinfall? Remember when I said it was pathetic how much Asuka's loss effected me? Yeah, well this match was a blur that I could barely pay attention to because I was still recovering, still trying to process the why. Rusev sold a really good RKO at one point I remember, and I kinda like the finisher fest of the closing minutes. I don't know, this didn't get a real fair shot from me.
Match Rating: 5/10
Of All The Surprises, This Match Being Fun Was Probably my Favorite
Ronda Rousey is going to do just fine. Obviously we'll need to see how she'll be able to tell a story in a one-on-one scenario without the benefits this matches structure afforded her but there's no denying that she proved to be very capable. She handled her offense really well and yeah, she was probably the best part of this match. I didn't think Ronda was going to be awful anyway but I didn't expect to enjoy this match as much as I did but as I stated earlier, it does come with a few "Yeah buts" and they may be nit-picky but I need to say them.
First of all, pre-Ronda the match was embarrassingly bad. And the moment right before Ronda tagged in was painful to watch, as Angle makes the slowest hot-tag I've ever seen moving at the speed of a grandpa trying to get out of bed in the morning. Second, why the hell did HHH go for a Powerbomb? He had her set-up for a Pedigree, and I know they needed Ronda to hit her hurricanrana but it seemed so forced and unnatural it totally took me out of the match. You know what else took me out of the match, that they completely abandoned the rules and once Ronda got tagged in it turned into a tornado tag team match where it didn't matter who was technically legal as long as their genitals matched.
Match Rating: 7/10
Was it Everything You Dreamed of Usos?
Basically a squash match, which was pretty much what I thought it'd be and why I didn't select it as my Match of the Night candidate because of course The Bludgeon Brothers were going to win quickly. I'm really glad The Usos didn't take the fall though, and there was one spot I really liked. Perhaps my favorite spot of the entire night. Because the match is a triple threat, at one point they were seemingly setting up for the banal superplex/powerbomb (though with multiple people) and I'm pretty sure I audibly groaned but Rowan, I think it was Rowan, was like, "Nope, that spot sucks" and instead rushed and knocked the Usos flat off the ropes and to the outside. That was great.
Match Rating: 5/10
If This Had to Happen, I'm Glad it Happened Like This
I know I said Rollins & Rowan saying screw that superplex/powerbomb spot and that Asuka moonsault counter were my favorite spots of the night, but my honest answer for best spot of the night is when Taker sat up during the Five Star Knuckle Shuffle and Cena flailed and fell. That got a good laugh out of me. And Taker squashing Cena was great because who the hell wants to see Taker wrestle a long match anymore? But also because it was karmic retribution for Cena throwing out every insult in the book at Taker. However the one thing I really appreciated about this, the bit with the clothes in the ring. They didn't have to include that. Taker could've just bought new gear. It's not unthinkable, especially when Cena's been calling him out for posting work-out videos on his wife's instagram. But including that is not only a great bit of continuity that's rare to find in WWE, but it also helps re-estasblish the mystic of his character of Cena spent so long berating Taker as an old guy without balls. Tempted to give this a ten because it was pretty much perfect for what it was but nah. The Elias stuff was kinda lame, but I suppose necessary?
Match/Segment Rating: 7/10
YES! YES! YES!
Daniel Bryan Bitches!
Match Rating: 10/10
Okay not really.
I don't really understand why WWE felt it necessary to do the long delayed tag from Bryan with the assault pre-match, it's been three years people were already pretty pumped to see Bryan return. Obviously people are going to be more hyped when Daniel Bryan comes in and stops the snorefest that was this match pre-Bryan but you shouldn't attempt to put your fans asleep just so you can wake 'em up later. I did like the Coast to Coast. But whatever, because when Daniel Bryan got into the ring, it was one of the best things I've seen in awhile. In a bubble, dude just hit his moves and won fairly easily but in context, it was one of the most joyous things to witness. Seeing Daniel Bryan, also know as Inspiration in Human Form, after like three years hitting all his classic moves like he hasn't missed a day. He's still better than most of the roster even after all this time, how I've missed you Bryan. Shame about the first half of that match.
Match Rating: 7/10
Thank God, They Didn't Swerve Us Here
Nia won, Bliss is no longer champion, finally. I don't care too much about Nia but a year straight of Bliss as Champion was way too much, and the bit where she quickly dropped it and won it back to Banks did not help anyone. This match wasn't anything too special but honestly it was fine. Bliss played her heel role well, and I liked her offense focusing more on the knee, Nia shouting at Bliss to shut up was pretty much the moment this entire angle has lead too. A bit too much of Nia's offense was just "well, I guess I'll toss Bliss to this corner of the ring now, mwahahaha I'm so strong" but this was acceptable. Would've preferred a squash, but for a full-length bout, better than I would've thought.
Match Rating: 5/10
I Was Let-Down And I Didn't Even Expect a Five Star
Not going to lie guys, this wasn't very good. The match never left first gear in my opinion, the pacing of each move was always slow & plodding like there was never any progression in intensity just the moves got slightly stronger., and while the technical execution of each move was good, Shinsuke's Landslide, AJ's Phenomenal Forearm, and the finish in particular were great, I didn't really feel like they told that compelling of a story. Outside of some knee to face references, there really wasn't much too this. Was it the worst match on the card, no? Was is a bad match, ehhh, probably not. What really saves it was the Finish was legitimately great and the post-match stuff was fantastic. I love how they paralleled the Charlotte/Asuka segment earlier, since the two matches were so similar in build and such I think the shock of the heel turn benefited from having Asuka legitimately congratulate Charlotte. One of the few instances where the structure of the card actively aided the storytelling. Too bad it happening so late meant the crowd was pretty much dead for it because the show was seven hours long. Though I will say, if they held back because they knew they were getting more matches, that is not how you should ever do it. I doubt AJ would do that, but it certainly felt like they held back.
Match Rating: 6/10, +1 for the Post-match which I thought was brilliant.
I Liked This Match Better When I Thought Nicholas Was Going to be Dead in a Year
I was pretty convinced that Nicholas was a Make-A-Wish kid getting granted a wish and I had no problems with Braun Strowman beating The Bar for the Tag Titles to win the titles for him and the kid. I said this elsewhere, Strowman's too over and so protected & over-booked that The Bar don't really look bad for losing to him, losing to Strowman does not affect the general perception of his character. And ultimately, to me, a dying kid being allowed to have a truly wonderful/happy moment in his short life means more to me than the legitimacy of some fictitious belts that have a long history of flipping and back forth between completely irrelevant to somewhat prestigious. But it's just some ref's kid? I'm a little less fine with that. Still, I don't *hate* it, and if Nicholas grows up to become a legitimate wrestler that will be one of the coolest stories, topping RVD kissing DiBiase's foot as a kid.
Match Rating: 5/10
Terrible, Just Terrible
Look, full disclosure at this point in the show I just wanted it to be over because of the whole seven hours thing so a good deal of this match had me tuned out but what I saw I hated. Or mostly hated. They spent all year long re-establishing the power of the F-5. They even had Brock pin Roman with a single F-5 at SummerSlam in an attempt to remove the "Well, he kicked out of it plenty at WrestleMania 31" argument. And then, they don't follow up on it. The commentators don't sell the kick-out, I didn't expect the crowd too but the commentators shrug it off. This move beat Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, it beat Braun Strowman in one move. Hell, not even in the past year it only took three to break the streak. Taking 6 to beat Roman, that's not even believable drama anymore, that's parody. It's impossible to take that seriously, it just felt so forced and redundant. They didn't even try to build up to them anymore, most of the time it was just Lesnar going "Well, fuck he kicked out, guess I'll do it one more time". I kinda was hoping Brock would go for a Shooting Star Press at one point because I'm an idiot who expected something more than just removing the credibility of the F-5. The only thing that saves this from being complete garbage is Lesnar busting Roman open and winning. I mean, if they weren't going to have the cojones to actually go through with Roman's coronation, I kinda wish they just had Strowman win it (at the Rumble probably because I loved Styles vs. Lesnar) but it would've been a lot worse if Roman won. If Roman won, it probably would've gotten a 1/10 from me, same as Lesnar vs. HHH at Mania, but I think Roman losing and the blood help it stand out.
Match Rating: 2/10
PPV Rating: 6/10
Once again, it's time to mention that there's no weight to my scoring. Every match equally influenced the scoring, whether it was two minute squash or a twenty minute war, whether it was a match I was invested it or one I wrote off as not for me. I understand that's problematic for the scoring but also, I'm not doing that much math. But also, with this system it's worth noting that this scored pretty high, there was a lot of good wrestling to enjoy last night. Some weird, weird booking decisions that I'm still not sure of, i.e. Asuka but I suppose I enjoyed most of it. I honestly still think this was one of the better Mania's in a long time, even though I'm disappointed with quite a bit of it.