Thanks to KIF for allowing me to do this.
KSL Presents the Royal Rumble(season 5)
Live from the O2 Arena in London, England
Earlier today...
Gay Bar Room Brawl for the Tag Team Titles: Brian Knobbs & Orlando Jordan v.s Ric Flair & Mr. Perfect(c)
Winner:
UNKNOWN in more than 16:00 - whilst all four are brawling, they accidentally enter a private room where Tom Cruise is. All footage of events after that, including the finish, was seized by the Church of Scientology and is presumed destroyed. Both sides continue to claim that they are the champion going into tonight's proceedings. (In reality, though, Team Impact Zone were the winners, not that anyone will know that.)
Rating: REDACTED UNDER THREAT OF LAWSUIT
1992 Blazer on a Forklift Match: Honky Tonk Man(LadyHotRod) v.s Nick Aldis(Dmac)
Winner:
Honky Tonk Man in 14:14 - Towards the end of a heated match, they begin to pull off parts of the car to attack each other. After Aldis is incapacitated by having an entire wheel thrown at him, Honky climbs up, gets into the partially-dismantled car, and closes the door for a hollow victory.
Rating: ***
IC Title Match: Lince Dorado(Ingonious) v.s Daniel Bryan(Jimmy King)
Winner:
Daniel Bryan in 2:30 - Lince Dorado taps out under very little pressure after the very first Yes! Lock. Clearly, he's saving his strength for the Rumble...
Rating: N/A
World Title Match: CM Punk(Smark) v.s Toni Storm(Blaze)(c)
Winner:
Toni Storm in 23:56 - Putting on a serious showstopper this early in the night, Toni retains after reversing a Go 2 Sleep attempt into a Storm Zero.
Rating: ****3/4
Psycho Killer v.s Brian Cage
Winner:
Brian Cage by disqualification in 9:43 - Psycho Killer, whoever he is, attacks Cage with Brass Knuckles, and a disturbing, minutes-long beatdown ensues. Who can stop the path of Cage? Maybe a Psycho Killer can...
Rating: ***1/4
Immortal Title Match: The Undertaker(Chris) v.s Muhammad Hassan w/ King Bookah(Raidokken) v.s Asuka(Grim)(c)
Winner:
The Undertaker in 31:06 - By referee stoppage, after putting Hassan in Hell's Gate for so long that he's bloodied all over. Fucking brutal, and Asuka will surely have a lot to say about the belt she never lost. What she does say is that, on the spot, she's entering the Rumble to get a shot at winning it back!!
Rating: *****
The Royal Rumble Match
(Click wrestlers' names for their theme songs to simulate entrances. Because the Rumble is all about entrances.)
1.
Britt Baker
2.
Wade Barrett
The dentist and the Barrett Barrage kick us off, the Hassan blood only recently having been cleared up.
3.
Bully Ray
He goes straight after Barrett, seeing him as the greater threat.
4.
Brian Knobbs
Ray was right, but that decision did leave Knobbs with an easy early elimination, tipping Baker over. (30th place - Britt Baker)
5.
William Regal
Takes on Knobbs, a classic snobs vs. slobs affair.
6.
Pentagon Jr.
CERO MIEDO! Penta lives by this creed as he chooses to attack both Knobbs and Regal, looking to soften both up.
7.
Shelton Benjamin
Benjamin breaks away Knobbs from the three-way brawl. Fights right now are Bully/Barrett, Benjamin/Knobbs, and Penta/Regal.
8.
Lince Dorado
Good thing he didn't overpush himself in the IC title match, as he's got an unenviable position. He decides he'll just lay low for the moment... but then Wade Barrett tosses Bully Ray (29th place - Bully Ray) and starts to target Lince, hitting him with multiple Wastelands.
9.
Jon Moxley
Mox joins in to meet Knobbs, trading street-brawlin' blows, but they don't know what will come next...
10.
Yeti
IT'S THE YETAY! Whom I almost gave
this as a theme. He charges in with all the speed of a handicapped elephant, but still manages to eliminate Regal (28th place - William Regal).
11.
Johnny Gargano
Oh Garga-No! He barely lasts ten seconds before the Yeti, charging for an isolated Penta clotheslines him out of the ring instead (27th place - Johnny Gargano).
12.
Cesaro
This could be the man to take on the Yetay! He gives the monster a big Cesaro Swing... but that can't throw him far enough to send him out of the ring. Instead, the rest of the field drops what they were doing to try and collectively remove him...
13.
Chris Candido
And with Candido on board, they finally achieve it (26th place - Yeti)! The entire field momentarily forgets they are in a match, hugs and congratulates each other... then, like the ungrateful bastards they are, they toss out Candido (25th place - Chris Candido) just before number 14 comes in...
14.
Chad Gable
Chad goes straight for Brian Knobbs and Shelton Benjamin, clotheslining both out (24th place - Brian Knobbs) (23rd place - Shelton Benjamin) as the field starts to thin. Penta dives in towards Jon Moxley, and they eliminate each other in an almost cartoonish ball of violence (22nd place - Jon Moxley) (21st place - Pentagon Jr.). In the ring right now are Gable, Cesaro, Dorado, and Wade Barrett.
15.
Orlando Jordan
Clad only in brown-coloured trunks (to give the appearance of male nudity), Orlando descends to the ring wrapped in silk. Everyone stops what they're doing to watch his entrance in full... then dogpile him and beat him up.
16.
Randy Orton
Wrestling's answer to Rohypnol isolates Cesaro and attacks him, the brawls breaking off into twos and threes once again.
17.
Giant Gonzalez
But then the big lad shows up, gives them both a homoerotic bearhug, and gorilla presses both of them out of the ring! (20th place - Cesaro) (19th place - Randy Orton). He then goes on to take out Jordan (18th place - Orlando Jordan) and FINALLY Barrett (17th place - Wade Barrett) before an attack from behind by both Gable and Dorado incapacitates him for now. The two begin to wrestle on top of Gonzalez' body...
18.
Candice LeRae
And LeRae duly joins them. The three put on a mat classic, just it's on the incapacitated body of a bodysuit-wearing giant.
19.
Asuka
The former Immortal Champion is here! She breaks everyone away from Gonzalez' body to put him in the Asuka Lock, before all four of them toss 300 pounds of dead weight away (16th place - Giant Gonzalez). Back to normal service, then?
20.
Ric Flair
Naitch specifically revives the theme that he used for the 1992 Rumble to bring him luck - and he immediately gets tangled with Asuka. How delightful. They're going to mess each other up. Candice LeRae is fighting Gable, whilst Lince Dorado is in the corner, resting...
21.
Lacey Von Erich
Until Lacey comes up to take him on! Lince enters a state of rage as he mistakes Lacey's Von Erich Claw for an attempt to pull off his mask, and soon Lacey is hurt... Finally, Lince backs off. By the way, Gable eliminated Candice LeRae (15th place - Candice LeRae).
22.
Heath Slater
Heath enters and sees two brawls, one resting Lince, and one resting Lacey. He approaches Lacey, seeing her as an easy target... until she starts to make bedroom sort of eyes at him! At this point, Heath's looking like he wants to have more kids than he usually does. He approaches and Lacey dip kisses him... before kneeing him in the crotch and giving him a Claw Slam out of the ring! (14th place - Heath Slater).
23.
Eddie Kingston
Kingston arrives just as Asuka eliminates Flair (13th place - Ric Flair), and they start striking each other stiffly.
24.
Cody Rhodes
Cody does his full entrance - and that does mean by the time he actually starts approaching the ring, the countdown for number 25 has already begun.
25.
King Booker
Can you dig it, infidel?! Booker enters the ring at the same time as Cody Rhodes, eliminating him in a matter of seconds (12th place - Cody Rhodes) as Asuka eliminates the other King in the ring (11th place - Eddie Kingston).
26.
B.A.G.
And as if it didn't get better for Booker and Team Al-QaeDAH, the recently-converted Goldberg enters the ring and starts beating on everyone. Everyone in the ring but Booker and B.A.G. are down, and Booker begins to recite a call to prayer, only to be interrupted by the countdown.
27.
Loch Ness
The final titan of the Dungeon of Deezy descends, charging both of them, eliminating both them and himself with his own momentum (10th place - Loch Ness) (9th place - King Booker) (8th place - B.A.G.).
28.
Simon Miller
In he goes, and out he goes thanks to a Lince Dorado dropkick (7th place - Simon Miller). Currently in the ring are Lacey, Asuka, Gable, and Lince Dorado.
29.
Val Venis
Out comes Val Venis, and Lacey tries to seduce him like she did Heath. When he refuses, she kicks him right in the Big Valbowski. She only recently learned that that hurts men - she's going to use that to her own advantage!
30.
Lance Storm
Out comes Lance Storm, tossing out the incapacitated Val Venis (6th place - Val Venis) before getting locked in an Claw from Lacey. She's doing a real number when - holy shit, it's Baron von Raschke! He hates that the Von Erichs stole the Claw, and he's taking it back! By tossing out their sole representative (5th place - Lacey Von Erich). Final four are Asuka, Lance Storm, Chad Gable, and Lince Dorado!
They battle for five minutes or so, teasing several eliminations, before
certain music hits! It's time for MACHO MADNESS as Macho Man attacks Lance Storm (inadvertendly saving Gable from elimination) and eliminating him with an "OOH YEAH!" (4th place - Lance Storm). Asuka finally eliminates the exhausted Lince Dorado (3rd place - Lince Dorado) before taking it to the mat with Gable. Finally, Gable is able to scoop slam the former Immortal Champ over the top rope (2nd place - Asuka). He's done it! Gable is going to WrestleMania!!
Winner -
Chad Gable in 1:09:14
Rating: That sure was a Rumble
