Grim Watches 1000 RAWs

[Barry Poppins]

Since I'm a masochistic sack of shit and seem to have a high tolerance level for old wrestling that is simultaneously bad and hilarious, here I am. I'm going to be watching the first 1000 episodes of RAW, for your pleasure and for my misery. For a quick rundown of all the hullabaloo, that is approximately 19 years' worth of Monday Night RAW. From January 1993 to June 2012, this is gonna be a nightmarish experiment and we'll just see how long I even hold out for this. This isn't gonna be anything real extensive, just some quick thoughts and then a match rating for the show, because I'd rather not be stuck having to potentially hang myself over thinking too hard about this awful awful undertaking. I won't say that it at least won't be entertaining.

A major caveat however is that I will probably be skipping over Raw is Owen, Eddie Guerrero's Tribute, and the highlight packages that have replaced Chris Benoit's tribute, as a matter of principle. While these are very much legendary episodes, I don't think they are really worth having to re-experience again for the sake of this, but I will simply give a match listing and perhaps a rating. No real commentary to them, because they're either episodes created after the fact of someone's death or were re-written entirely post-airing for the sake of expediency and public relations. You know the drill.

Additionally, at the end of my little write-up for each episode, I will be declaring my verdict for each episode and whether I would recommend watching it or not. There will be three verdicts for the episode: "SKIP", obviously meaning I do not think the episode is worth watching in any capacity. Then there is "DISCRETION", which I would recommend watching only because there are some good things worth watching. Finally, there is "MUST-SEE", my opinion being the episode as a whole is worth watching and there are very few dead spots in the episode.
​

Archive:

1993

Spoiler

Episode 1 (SKIP)
Episode 2 (DISCRETION)
Episode 3 (MUST-SEE)
Episode 4 (SKIP)
Episode 5 (DISCRETION)
Episode 6 (SKIP)
Episode 7 (SKIP)
Episode 8 (DISCRETION)
Episode 9 (SKIP)
Episode 10 (SKIP)
Episode 11 (DISCRETION)
Episode 12 (DISCRETION)
Episode 13 (DISCRETION)
Episode 14 (DISCRETION)
Episode 15 (SKIP)
Episode 16 (DISCRETION)
Episode 17 (MUST-SEE)

Verdict Score-Card:

SKIP: 7
DISCRETION: 8
MUST-SEE: 2

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 1:

(The first Main Event in RAW history... what a fucking shit show)

January 11, 1993
UNCUT, UNCOOKED, UNCENSORED
(They say this, despite this and the next week's RAW having been recorded back to back, and heavily edited)

Boy, what is there to say about the first episode of Monday Night RAW? Fucking garbage, for one thing. Even right from the jump, this show was awful as soon as it was understood that Bobby Heenan wouldn't even be involved on commentary. Instead, we got one of the WOAT replacements in the man, the myth, the legend, ROB BARTLETT! We don't even really get a high-profile match-up, outside of maybe stretching the imagination with Koko B. Ware and Yokozuna. Yeah, these first few weeks are gonna be brutal, I can tell.

I will say that it's kinda funny when Rob Bartlett accidentally curses on live TV and Vince is just like, "Well, that happened" in his mind. I think my favorite Rob Bartlett line was after Yokozuna's Bonsai Drop, he quips, "Record players just skipped in Guam". There's also Doink brah showing up, so that's cool. Also holy shit, I forgot about the RAW girls; what a fucking odd idea this was by Vince as if wrestling really needs ring girls.

Other than that, aside from being the 1st Episode of Monday Night RAW, this is not worth watching. SKIP
​

Yokozuna d. Koko B. Ware	SQUASH
The Steiner Bros. d. The Executioners	SQUASH
Shawn Michaels d. Max Moon (Intercontinental Championship)	*3/4
The Undertaker d. Damien Demento	SQUASH

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 2:

("I just wanna go home.")

January 18, 1993
Leave It To Flair
(But he'll be gone in less than a fortnight anyways)

What a difference a week makes, seriously. Just on the surface, we get Flair vs. Tito Santana (fucking great no matter the length) and Perfect vs. Terry Taylor? Where the hell was any of this last week? If I were booking, I'd have Perfect vs. Taylor the week before, then move over Steiners vs. Executioners and Yoko vs. Koko here, even out the cards and you still get two pretty solid matches for each; but alas. Rob Bartlett is back, and I can tell that Vince and Macho are already sick of him LMFAO.

We also get an extension of the Macho/Repo Man story, so that's cool. Macho's hat has been repossessed! How bad is Macho with his money that he couldn't even pay the $20 fee for the hat, smh? The big story for this week is obviously the whole Flair/Perfect rivalry that has been kicking around since around September 1992. Also Babyface Mr. Perfect is fucking awesome, he should have been a champion around this time, he was red hot. Also, this Rob Bartlett vs. Bobby Heenan story is lame as fuck and detracts from everything. Man, Bret Hart is not a good promo in 1993; he's way better when he's full of piss and vinegar and just mad. Oh god, the Headlock on Hunger campaign, and the ultimate irony of the Undertaker saying that "no one should starve to death", dude, you're the manifestation of fucking death bro, you should be happy about this development!

This was a pretty good episode that had the Macho/Repo story and Flair/Perfect as the two driving forces of the show, and we end up getting one of the greatest Pre-2000 RAW matches of all time the next week in Ric Flair vs. Mr. Perfect Loser Leaves Town. Also, this crowd is intimate and its small size of it gives it a pretty good feel. Just sucks that the wrestlers were paid a grand total of $5 for their TV appearances. I'm not gonna say that this episode is a must-see, we'll get to that next week. DISCRETION
​

Mr. Perfect d. Terry Taylor	**3/4
Marty Jannetty d. Glen Ruth	*3/4
Ric Flair vs. Tito Santana (No Contest)	**3/4

 

[Swerve]

Why torture yourself?

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 3:

("Now, twist it to the left. Hopefully, that clears up any pain.")

January 25, 1993
Loser Leaves Town
(and goes right back to WCW)

Holy shit, it's fucking here y'all! It's the first episode of Monday Night RAW that I can honestly say without a doubt is an all-timer for the 1-hour era. We got ourselves two great matches in the span of an hour here, but it's also the Post-Royal Rumble episode of RAW. We finally get our boy Bobby Heenan on commentary, and he just about tears Rob Bartlett to shreds; it is clear that Heenan fucking hates this guy Savage vs. Repo Man is pretty good, but we get a fucking GOAT tier line from Heenan as he ogles a RAW girl, "Gimme a honk at area code-". Also, how the fuck did Kamala get over in 1993? That has to be a testament to the wrestler himself for somehow getting over with this crowd with such a dated gimmick lmfao. Oh fuck, I just forgot we gotta deal with Giant Gonzalez of all people. I really hope we don't have to deal with them for too long.​

Finally, it's time for Flair vs. Perfect, and I just gotta say, this is probably low-key one of the best matches of 1993. The fact they had this happen on RAW (mostly because Flair just wanted to fucking leave so bad). Early on in the match, there's some cross-wired interference because apparently audio from the Sci-Fi Channel happened to break through underneath all the other noise LMFAO. Vince plugging the Sci-Fi Channel, not knowing he'd be putting ECW on there 12 years later is hilarious. I also have to mention that Rob Bartlett for the most part thankfully shuts the fuck up and just takes in the match. Perfect getting busted open early on only adds to the intensity of this match, and these two just go all out in beating the piss out of one another. In the end, it's Perfect who stands tall and Flair is outta the WWF! Bobby Heenan fucking loses it and he is censored as he curses... so I guess RAW isn't Uncensored, huh?

This is probably the first Monday Night RAW that felt full and gripping through nearly every second. Absolutely incredible action through the two big matches, but Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair is a legendary match and it pushed this RAW into the upper echelon of its early history. Easily the best RAW of 1993 by a fucking margin. MUST-SEE
​

Randy Savage d. Repo Man	**1/2
Kamala d. The Brooklyn Brawler	SQUASH
Mr. Perfect d. Ric Flair (Loser Leaves Town)	****

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 4:

(To be fair, I prefer well-done.)

February 1, 1993
It's Cold Outside
(I'd rather be outside than watching this fucking hot mess)

How in the sweet mother of fuck do we go from an all-time great episode of RAW to this abomination of a show? Every match on this show is painfully short; right from the jump with Tatanka vs. Damien Demento, and it's the longest match on the show with a whopping 4 minutes and 10 seconds. It's all about the angles I guess, which to be fair there are a few decent segments. I mean, we get an interview with Brutus The Barber Beefcake, but also we get the announcement of the death of Andre The Giant; Howard Finkel has some words to say about Andre, and admittedly, it's rather touching, and for the first time on Monday Night RAW, we have a 10-bell salute to the 8th Wonder of the World.

I do have to bring attention to Brutus Beefcake's interview segment, which kinda brings a lot of context to just what the fuck all happened to him before the accident and just how badly he was laid out in July of 1990. He had just lost both of his parents, and was in the middle of getting a divorce, and then his entire face got caved in. It's amazing Ed Leslie managed to even get past that fucking garotte wire of bad luck and is still alive today. As the show goes on, I feel like Rob Bartlett's started to mellow out a bit and he's actually become a lot more tolerable as the RAWs continue to pass. OH SHIT, WE GOT US A MINNESOTA VIKING STEVE JORDAN APPEARANCE Yeah, this is the legendary promo where Curt Hennig throws a fucking hail mary to himself, it's fucking hilarious and I love it.

God though, this was not a good RAW, and honestly, aside from Brutus Beefcake and subsequently Money Inc.'s promos, and the amazing Curt Hennig antics, this is nothing to write home about. I have no compunctions telling you that this is one of those Monday Night RAWs that are completely skippable. The next RAW (which is actually two weeks away) should hopefully turn out to be much better with Brutus Beefcake vs. Ted DiBiase. There's also the RAW Battle Royale to look out for, so cool. SKIP
​

Tatanka d. Damien Demento	*1/4
High Energy d. Iron Mike Sharpe & Vito	1/2*
Doink the Clown d. Typhoon	*
Yokozuna d. Bobby DeVito	SQUASH
Lex Luger d. Jason Knight	SQUASH

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 5:

(This image was the last thing I needed in my mind right now.)

February 15, 1993
The Barber Returns
(Finally, I need my haircut)

Well, it's episode five and already looking at this card I'm not actually feeling too confident here on the card's quality. We kick things off with a Steiner Bros. match, but we got Randy Savage having troubles with his headset, which is irony at its finest. I can tell this show is gonna be a fucking nightmare, tech-wise. Scott Steiner almost fucking killed Bobby Who with his Tiger Driver, God damn, man. There's also Gene Okerlund trying his fucking damndest to sell us on WrestleMania IX, but even he can barely say that Las Vegas is the "Family Entertainment Capital of the world" or whatever it was he actually said with a straight face. After the match, Randy Savage fucking steals Rob Bartlett's headset; I have never felt more disoriented by just the sheer amount of fuckery going on than I have in this episode, and we're only 15 minutes in.

So Jim Duggan is the first man to knock down Yokozuna on Superstars, but the fucking moron just randomly starts celebrating mid-match and gets his ass kicked for it. That sounds about right for Duggan, post-Mid-South Wrestling, he's always been booked as a complete moron. Why are we getting Giant Gonzales highlights? Get him off my television screen as soon as fucking possible, please. So the RAW Battle Royale; this match was uh, something? Like most Battle Royales, they tend to be chaotic and completely hard to keep track of. With that said, it was clear WWE was prioritizing Razor Ramon, because of course they would; he just had a WWE Championship match at the Royal Rumble against Bret Hart. Talk about a veritable who's who of people who, if booked right, could have been main eventers for WWF at this time... Shawn Michaels, Razor Ramon, Tito Santana, Bob Backlund... fuck, even Terry Taylor, even if he's a slimy creep. Then there's just Damien Demento, Kimchi, and The Berzerker in there; what a hilarious clusterfuck. 1993 is such a weird year. Seriously though, the main event of WWF at the time should really have actually been great, instead, most of the main event was sequestered into the mid-card and Bret Hart was stuck with shit. Imagine the main event scene of Bret, Perfect, Macho (as an actual in-ring star and not a commentator), Flair (if Vince didn't scare him off), Razor, Yokozuna, Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, and Bam Bam Bigelow. It's a real shame just how squandered these people were. You could have had Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker in 1993; Vince, are you fucking shitting me? Why are you so frustrating in retrospectives?

Anyways, Razor Ramon wins in the most hilarious fashion possible, getting his ass beat 2-on-1 against Tatanka and Tito Santana, and then Giant Gonzales shows up and cleans house, then eliminates himself while Razor slipped under the bottom rope. What a fucking garbage match that was and what a shit ending. I hate this episode but we got Beefcake vs. DiBiase next. Gotta admit this is a better match than expected, especially since Beefcake hasn't wrestled in like two 1/2 years. Sadly, it's cut short by a DQ call and Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster just decimate Brutus Beefcake's face. This is the start of that whole Jimmy Hart face turn and the return of Hulk Hogan. So it is officially thanks to Money Inc. that we are cursed by Hulk Hogan stinking up the Main Event of WrestleMania IX... fitting.

God, this episode was a horrible mess, and it was hilarious most of the way through. Almost every match wasn't really good, but Randy Savage fucking burying Rob Bartlett on commentary was a highlight and admittedly the main event was a little better than it had any right to be. That Battle Royale was also fucking garbage, but the kind of garbage that was kinda endearing. So with that, I'm actually gonna be dumb here and say that this episode is one that I won't necessarily say you must watch, but because it sets up some big story beats, you can go ahead and watch this one if you're really desperate for some wrestling. DISCRETION
​

The Steiner Bros. d. Glen Ruth & Bobby Who	SQUASH
Yokozuna d. Ross Greenberg	SQUASH
Razor Ramon Wins RAW Battle Royale	*
Brutus Beefcake d. Ted DiBiase by DQ	*1/4

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 6:

("You say one thing, and they label you a racist for life, brother!")

The Greatest Tag Team of All Time?
(Or the worst episode name since the first episode)

Welp, we're back with yet another horrible episode of RAW, and golly god, this one's got the RETURN OF THE ALMIGHTY HULKSTER, BROTHER! During this show, I cannot believe just how fucking miserable Macho Man has to be having to hype up that jive-turkey Hogan. That's the most important thing coming down the pike, but we've got a whole episode to get through. Kicking things off is MY BOY BAM BAM BIGELOW He just beats the fuck out of some jobber... HOLY SHIT, that's fucking Scotty 2 Hotty! He looks like a world of difference between 1993 and 2000. Anyways, yeah, Bam Bam destroys him. After that quick squash, we get ourselves a good old fashion fellatio between Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan. It's that hilarious promo where Hogan basically admits that he's a human being and had fucked up. Also holy shit, Hulk Hogan predicted the tabloids basically trying to ruin someone's life (AKA Hulk Hogan and his racism) 22 years ahead of time, god damn. Either way, it's just Hulk Hogan saying, "Brothers, check out what I'm gonna say on Monday Night RAW"... while this promo airs on... Monday Night RAW... huh.

Oh, fucking hell, we're finally to this ugly tag match, but hey, it's the official debut of Shawn's Sherri Martel-less theme! But yeah, Tatanka and Nasty Boys vs. Shawn Michaels and the Beverly Brothers, what a clusterfuck of a match. I don't know how this crowd can possibly be interested in this match, yet there they are hootin' and a hollerin' and-a chanting for the Nasty Boys. How are they popular!? This match goes on for a long... long... long... 15 minutes. I'm not gonna say this match is outright bad btw, but it's just full of rest-holds and as Mr. OOC would say, "very punch-kicky". Even Shawn Michaels doing his damnedest with two brawling tag teams and the infinitesimally undertalented Tatanka isn't enough to make this match great. I die a little inside as they let Tatanka pin Shawn in some worthless tag match but fuck him over completely at WrestleMania IX. Crush vs. Terry Taylor isn't much to write home about either tbh. It's not a bad match necessarily but it's just a pretty basic match. During the match we get a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impression by Rob Bartlett; just as I was actually starting to tolerate him he does this. You hate to see it. SHAKA BRAH BRAH, Crush wins pretty handily.

So anyway, we get a Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake promo. Long story short, Hogan's back, and he wants to team up with Beefcake and challenge Money Inc. for the World Tag Team Championships, and they've got Jimmy Hart on their side! It's officially the beginning of the Mega Maniacs. Yeah, not much to say about this, it's a Hulk Hogan promo in 1993, to smaller crowds, he was still over, and at least he's not gonna be involved in any major angles this year, right? Right...? Do you know what's even worse? The Undertaker vs. Skinner was supposed to be the main event, but Hulk Hogan's fucking self-blowjobs took up too much time and we never got to see the finish of the match, what a fucking pisser.

This is honestly a lesser RAW and I honestly don't know how to feel about it. The matches aren't very good, and the promos are mostly Hulk Hogan jacking off to his own greatness. Yet it wasn't terrible per se. In the 1 hour RAWs this one was pretty forgettable. The greatest crime of this one is not getting to even see Skinner vs. Taker in full. So you know what, fuck Hulk Hogan, and fuck this RAW. SKIP
​

Bam Bam Bigelow d. Scott Taylor	SQUASH
Tatanka & The Nasty Boys d. Shawn Michaels & The Beverly Brothers	**1/4
Crush d. Terry Taylor	*1/2
The Undertaker d. SKINNER!?	INCONCLUSIVE

​

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 7:

(This takes Crown the King to a whole new level)

Elvis Lives
(And dies from a creampie)

Welp, this episode is off to a great start, Rob Bartlett's playing Elvis. But god damn, hold the phone, we got the first-ever WWF CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH on Monday Night RAW! It's Bret Hart vs. Fatu, and I'm full steam ahead hyped for this match, man. Of course, Fatu is still a headshrinker at this time, but that doesn't matter; this was when Fatu was actually a great worker. This was a pretty good match between the consummate worker Bret and an underrated Fatu. There are a few rest-holds, but Bret does his best to make them at least make logical sense and he struggles and fights through them; there's also some pretty blatant interference from Samu who just shows up outta nowhere. In the end, Bret Hart overcomes the challenge and ends up victorious. Then there's Rob Bartlett just munching on a hot dog and popcorn. If ever there was a perfect representation of 1993 RAW, it's when Bret Hart puts on a good match while other shit gets more focus. You hate to see it.

Next up we get a Crush promo, from Hawaii. Bruddah, bruddah, brah, Crush crushes a coconut, and then we get a Doink the Clown match... against Koko B. Ware, oh sweet Jesus. Yeah, Doink just mops the floor with this clown (pun intended) and then gives "Elvis" a creampie to the face. God, I'm annoyed. Then after that, we get a Money Inc. promo, and boy, why the fuck was Ted DiBiase relegated to the midcard after 1990? Add him to the list of major players after Hogan leaves and give him the fucking title, you assholes. Next up is a Lex Luger squash match against good old ALDO MONTOYA! Bobby Heenan is on the phone and I'm disoriented once again over the sheer amount of sensory overload. Finally, we got a Steiners tag match, and they just decimate these guys. Yeah, those guys got like no offense in, so this is definitely a squash.

What a boring episode outside of the Bret Hart match. Nothing really goes on here and as much as I like the talent involved in this episode, it's just all squash matches and in the end, nothing really happens. Next week though we got ourselves a fucking treat with Mr. Perfect vs. Rick Martel This episode can die in a fire though. SKIP
​

Bret Hart d. Fatu (WWF Championship)	**1/2
Doink the Clown d. Koko B. Ware	SQUASH
Lex Luger d. PJ Walker	SQUASH
The Steiner Brothers d. Barry Hardy & Duane Gill	SQUASH

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 8:

("Heil, Buffalo!")

Whatcha Gonna Do?
(I'm gonna hope RAW isn't absolute dogshit)

We're back with yet another exciting edition of Monday Night RAW, and after last week's utter disaster, I'm more hopeful that this week will be much much better, after all, we got our main event of Mr. Perfect vs. Rick Martel; I'm all in, baby. Sadly, we have to kick things off with a Mega-Maniacs promo. Basically, they accept Money Inc.'s challenge for the World Tag Team Titles at WrestleMania, so that's pretty cool. It's that stereotypical hangin' and bangin' promo from Hogan and Beefcake. Except for when Hulk Hogan starts singing, and I shit you not, "Getting to Know You" from the insanely racist play The King and I. Hogan, you got something to tell us?

That was just the pre-episode promo btw. It's now time for RAW proper, with our usual trio of nutjobs, Vince McMahon, Randy Savage, and Rob Bartlett. They immediately kill Elvis from last week as Vince buries Rob's performance last week. I love how Rob just looks so betrayed and Vince shoots a shrug at him. Our first match though is Money Inc. going up against the MEGA-BOYS: Tito Santana and Virgil! IRS cuts a quick promo, thanking US President Bill Clinton for making all New Yorkers pay their fair share or some shit. This is actually a pretty good match, and a lot of that has to do with IRS, DiBiase, and Tito Santana. I swear to god, Tito Santana was done so dirty by WWE in 1992-93. He was still an extremely talented fiery babyface and had the market on Hispanics. Ah well, what could have been. For most of the match, Matador and Virgil put in some pretty good offense, until it all goes to shit. How the fuck is Virgil still over after two years of doing virtually nothing? Sadly, Virgil's hubris gets the better of him for getting too close to the sun and having his wings clipped by IRS.

After the match, we get ourselves a whole video package with Tatanka vs. Shawn Michaels. Tatanka is crazy over, my god. But now we get Rick Martel accosting a lady of the night and taking her sign. "Nobody can model better than The Model!" I love The Model. Anyways, Tatanka just destroys this jobber Phil Apollo. Shawn Michaels calls into WWF Raw and basically says that Tatanka is gonna roll snake eyes the next time he comes to the table against Shawn. After the match, we get another WrestleMania IX report with Gene Okerlund. Bret Hart and Mr. Fuji both cut promos ahead of their WWF Championship match at Mania... and then we get Giant Gonzalez mentioned and my mood is brought waaaaaaay down. At least The Undertaker cuts a promo. Rick Martel is back, stealing more signs from the models!

LOOK Y'ALL! It's Shango Tango! He beats a jobber, not much to mention. The commentary team talks about Perfect vs. Martel later tonight, and I am not kidding, Rob Bartlett, live on television, straight up says, "Didn't you tell me Perfect was gonna win?" How does this man have a job? Anyways, a nasty shoulder breaker ends it. And when we return from an IcoPro commercial, we get Bob Backlund vs. Tony Demoro! Who's Tony Demoro? Some jobber. Yeah, man, three job matches sandwiched between two pretty good matches. Anyways, this Tony guy acting like he's tough shit just cuz he's built like a brick shithouse. Bob Backlund though is a legitimate athlete and back in the day could fucking stretch anyone he wanted to (Backlund back in 1971 won the NCAA D2 Wrestling Championship). I love how during the match Vince convinces Rob Bartlett to interview "The Model" Rick Martel, and after Rob leaves, Randy Savage fucking buries him. I love you, Randy. For a squash match this is taking for-fucking-ever. Finally, though, Backlund pins this thick fuck and gets him outta here. Rob Bartlett interviews Rick Martel. Martel just buries Bartlett to his face... he wanted to show the RAW girls just what modeling is all about. He then says he'll beat Perfect because he's the best wrestler too. Before the commercial break, Bartlett quips, "Nice hat." Martel just gives him such a dirty look, alright, I admit it, I might be a big smelly mark for Rob Bartlett sometimes.

It's TIME for your main event of the evening! Mr. Perfect vs. Rick Martel! Let's fucking go! Before the match starts, Vince McMahon quips that Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Luger is gonna be one of the best matches of all time at WrestleMania... how I wish that was true, Vince... how I wish that was true. This match starts a million miles a minute and the two just go straight into a high pace, technical affair. Perfect and Martel have such a solid back-and-forth match, and there are a few moments where the two try to one-up one another and it's amazing. These two have such great chemistry together and you can see that out there. They also likely came up with some of the spots they ended up performing out there. If you can ignore some of the dumb shit on commentary at times, this match is great. Rob Bartlett actually cracks himself up with some of the dumb shit he says, and honestly, it does lend credence to the fact that Bartlett is aware he's not very good at live commentary (which he admits years later). The match ends during the commercial break, but they show the finish, but even that doesn't really bother me much. What a great match; probably the best match on RAW since... Perfect vs. Flair. The show ends with Mr. Perfect hanging out with the two RAW girls.

This was a marked improvement from last week, and yet despite that, not much story stuff really happened. We got a few storylines pushed forward, but other than that, not really anything of note. That's actually fine though, this was a fun little hour of wrestling that breezed by and ended up being fairly enjoyable by the end. I definitely recommend the tag match and the main event if you're willing to sit through the three jobber matches. Nevertheless, it's not a must-see RAW, but definitely one worth considering. DISCRETION
​

Money Inc. d. Virgil & El Matador	**1/2
Tatanka d. Phil Apollo	SQUASH
Papa Shango d. Mike Edwards	SQUASH
Bob Backlund d. Tony Demoro	SQUASH
Mr. Perfect d. Rick Martel	***1/4

 

[Shane]

Jesus bro if you manage to watch 1000 episodes of Raw I might just pay you lmao. Good luck. I could NEVER

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode 9:

(Why the long face? This show isn't that bad...)

The Big Freeze of '93
(Freeze my hatred for this show, please)

Hello everyone and welcome back to another terrible Monday Night RAW here in 1993... and oh wow. We're no longer at the Manhattan Center, we're LIVE from the Mid-Hudson Civic Center in Poughkeepsie, New York! The background for this show is pretty simple, the 1993 Storm of the Century had been raging for a couple of days, throwing a ton of stuff out of whack for not only the WWF but most of the Eastern United States. This is probably an emergency location due to the unavailability of the Manhattan Center, and it sure feels like it. We're greeted by THE BEST COMMENTARY TEAM EVER: Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan... and who's that? Well, it's "Vince McMahon" of course- It's Rob Bartlett playing McMahon, don't worry about it. I already ranted about how I swore to god he looked like Kevin Dunn, the bucky beaver teeth rat-knacker himself.

I love the old-school entranceway they have for these old WWF shows, that light display is something pretty spectacular. Anyways, it's a job match where Razor Ramon just beats the piss out of this loser Ross Greenberg. It's a short match, but god, Rob Bartlett is already on overdrive with the Vince impressions of rambling nonsense. C'mon man, I said I was a big smelly mark for you last week but this is baaad. The commentary team hypes up Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund, not realizing how much of a shit show that match is actually gonna be. Gorilla Monsoon fucking shoots for a second and hilariously quips, "I don't know how much more I can take, Brain." As a side-note, god damn is Scott Hall in phenomenal shape in 1993. Why wasn't he pushed more as a main eventer instead of just slipping down to the midcard?

Our next match is... *checks notes* another squash match, this time with Typhoon? Fuuuuck, this really is Monday Night RAW, isn't it? Bobby and Monsoon are hilarious together. Bartlett also immediately chills the fuck out and starts making more sense, nonetheless, Heenan actually tries having a crack with Rob about the whole McMahon impression, much to Monsoon's chagrin. Typhoon kills L.A. Gore, and I don't know how Vince and WWF do it. How do they manage to make Typhoon of all people popular with the crowd without Earthquake? I'm ready to move on already.

Oh god, it's a Giant Gonzalez segment. Kill me now. Bobby Heenan is interviewing Harvey Whippleman and Giant Gonzalez, and now I've completely checked out from this Monday Night RAW. Whippleman basically calls the whole roster cowards and losers at the feet of Gonzalez. Interesting, considering Gonzalez does nothing of note after losing to Undertaker at WrestleMania and I'm dead certain Gonzalez has a Big Show-Esque losing record in the WWF. THEY GIVE GONZALEZ A MICROPHONE, NOOOOO! At the very least he doesn't fuck that up. After that we get a Hulk Hogan promo; I don't give a shit, leave already you sack of shit.

Oh now we got ourselves an interesting match between Papa Shango and Mr. Bob Backlund, and I'm all in. Backlund even at his old age can still fucking go, he just needs the right opponent (and Razor Ramon was not the right opponent). It's all about Backlund using his quickness and technique to overcome the big man himself. Monsoon and Brain on commentary discuss knocking out Bartlett LMFAO. We get that classic test of strength, and Backlund you muppet, Shango is like 50 pounds over you. At least Backlund is still a technical god and can counter it. Man, this match is a far cry from Backlund's later matches against Bret Hart, but it's serviceable and is a lot of fun. Bartlett once again goes into overdrive and I cannot stand to hear it, god damn, and neither can Gorilla Monsoon, who is legitimately losing his cool with both Bartlett and Heenan. If you can somehow try to ignore all the commentary madness, this match is actually pretty good. Bob Backlund ends up winning with a small package, and it's good momentum going into WrestleMania in two weeks. Quick WrestleMania report, stuff about toga and IcoPro, and bleh, I don't care despite how much Gene Okerlund hypes it up.

We're back to ringside with the commentary team, and then we get a shot of the RAW ring girl, and admittedly, she looks pretty good. Our main event is The Nasty Boys vs. The Headshrinkers, and I can already tell this is gonna be a very basic match. Almost immediately they start appealing to the crowd, and they are just wasting so much time. There's an ambush by Samu to Knobbs and we're on our way to a match. I will say this, the match surprisingly goes at a solid pace and the crowd is into it, so that instantly does make it better than if the crowd were dead. This is one of the advantages of a smaller crowd, if they're into the show enough, it is a big boon and feels more intimate. It still cannot beat the roar of a massive crowd though. The ending of the match just sees both teams finally taking it outside the ring and beating the piss out of each other with the match ending in a double count-out. This is one of the few brawls that seemingly go out of control during a match on RAW, and it's at least a new sight.

After that madness, we get ourselves a WWF promo regarding their work with charities, talking about drugs, drinking, and smoking, etc, etc, etc. My favorite is the part where they mention talking about the dangers of using drugs, and they show a clip of MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE OF ALL PEOPLE talking about it, the guy who is infamous for potentially being a coke fiend. That's the end of RAW btw. What a weird and disorienting show. I don't even know whether to recommend it or not, which is a bad sign. Not much even happens here, so I'm gonna go ahead and say, yes, it's not worth watching. SKIP
​

Razor Ramon d. Ross Ross Greenberg	SQUASH
Typhoon d. L.A. Gore	SQUASH
Bob Backlund d. Papa Shango	**
The Nasty Boys vs. The Headshrinkers ends in Double Count-out	**1/4

 

[BigVanDonnie]

They say wrestling fans can never agree, yet everyone agrees that Bartlett is the worst.

Loving the reviews, and thanks for reminding me of the crap I'll be stuck with when i get there.

 

[Finishline]

If this review can prove anything, it can prove to not give up. If Raw had horrible shows in its onset, that gives hope for anyone just starting out.

It also doesn't help the business was different 30 years ago. But yikes, I've tried watching a couple episodes and aside from the cool effect of watching the first ever Raw, it's sometimes painful to watch.

 

[Barry Poppins]

Episode X:

(No pictures anymore because prowrestling.fandom.com's pictures no longer work on WS)

Andre The Giant, Hall of Famer
(No snide remark, just mad respect)

Oh hey, guys, it's me. I'm back to torture myself with another one of these whacky RAWs from 1993. It's March 22, 1993, and we're back at the Manhattan Center for some goddamn reason. Cue the show intro and this crowd is hot and ready for some MONDAY NIGHT RAW! Sadly, Rob Bartlett is still here. Well, we hit it off with... *checks notes* ... The Bushwhackers vs. Repo Man and Damien Demento. Jesus Christ, blow my brains out right now. How in the holy mother of fuck are the Bushwhackers still here!? Well, they come out of the crowd, quite literally Sandman style, but with none of the panache or style. Hell, we even cut to commercial because they're plodding their way over.

They look like they are stumbling drunk all over the place and I'm filled with a lot of cringe. They even fucking molest this portly RAW-ring girl, bless her heart. Whatever the fuck she was wearing, Rob Bartlett has a good line for it, "I think my mother has a couch with that material." Lots of stalling, playing to the crowd... yawn. FINALLY, a lock-up and Damien Demento is on offense. BUSHWHACKERS! STOP BITING PEOPLE IN THE ASS! IT'S FILTHY DOWN THERE! Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Just a few weeks ago, Repo Man was feuding with Randy Savage, and now he's stuck having to be in a tag team with Demento and facing off against these two bozos.

You know, I just had a thought. WWF's tag team division wasn't actually too bad in early 1993 when you think about it. You had the Headshrinkers, Steiner Bros, Money Inc, High Energy... the Nasty Boys... and then you'd have a gulf where The Bushwhackers and whoever else was there. It was just a case where WWF could have had even better teams stay if they didn't completely fuck up. I mean, imagine if Earthquake decided to stay and the Natural Disasters were still kicking around... anyways, Bushwhackers win, and I stopped caring halfway through the match. A hilarious line is Vince going, "Marching their way to WrestleMania" in reference to the Bushwhackers. Sadly they don't appear.

After the commercial break, we got Tatanka coming in and he's ready for some action. Who's this he's fighting? OH YEAH, IT'S THE LEGEND. RENO RIGGINS BABY! Oh, you were expecting top-tier talent on MONDAY NIGHT RAW!? Well too bad, motherfucker! You're only getting the highest quality job matches here on WWF Television. Save the good shit for WrestleMania... like... never mind, don't worry about it. As you can tell, it's been a while, but my disdain for this kind of stuff hasn't gone away. On some level though, I do understand it; job matches help build up younger stars, but you can't just have your show be complete squashes. Throw in a competitive match here and there to balance it out at least... Hold on- Tatanka, why are you having a competitive match with Reno Riggins? Why do you have to do a Tatanka-up just to beat this clown (not Doink, though he shows up later)? No wonder Shawn kept his title, you loser.

Now for a serious moment, as we get the official induction of Andre The Giant into the brand new WWF Hall of Fame. It's a genuinely touching video paying respects to the legend that passed away two months before. Honestly, it's entirely fitting that Andre was the first inductee too; Bruno Sammartino may have been like a god to the people in New York, and Pedro Morales may have been uber-popular in his day, but Andre was a legitimate international star and before Hulk Hogan, *the* face of WWF. He was funny, clever, hospitable, and gracious as a human being. You'll never hear me say a bad word about him.

So after that, we get yet another squash match. For the love of god, Vince, why can't you even have one interesting thing on this show outside a post-mortem dedication? Money Inc. just runs over these clowns, and I'm not surprised. The only "highlight" of the match is Rob Bartlett changing the channel on one of the monitors, quite literally. He started watching other television shows, and Randy Savage legit lost his cool for a second; you can tell Bartlett has stopped giving a shit and is just lampooning everything going on. Yeah, Money Inc. wins, and I still am not any closer to really caring about this show. It's kind of a shame Ted DiBiase would be retired a few months later because he's so much better than any of this; could you imagine DiBiase in the main event scene vs. Bret Hart? If only.

Oh boy, it's Gene Okerlund with a special WrestleMania Report. We're shilled IcoPro, right away. I wonder just what ever happened to them. Also, Gene Okerlund gets a small dig in on Rob Bartlett for his Vince impression last week, that gave me a chuckle. More hyping up of the WrestleMania matches, and thank God I don't have to watch them on this review-away otherwise I'd probably die. They keep hyping up the gimmick of a Roman Colosseum, and I'm slightly annoyed because everything they throw in there is just... so historically inaccurate it hurts. Why would a Roman colosseum have Egyptian guards or fucking Vestal Virgins? Nevermind. Don't worry about it.

Oh hey, it's the main event and it's Doink The Clown vs. Kamala... Oh, sweet mother of Christ. Can't wait to see what kind of fuck finish this is. Thank god they have Doink starting off strong or I don't know how I would feel about it. After all, unlike Kamala, Doink actually has an ongoing story with Crush, brah. And yet Kamala comes back into the fight. Well, there becomes a big schmoz and the two go outside and start brawling... and... it's a double count-out. Are you fucking kidding me? Vince also mentions that Kamala would be facing off against Bam Bam Bigelow at WrestleMania... WHY DID THAT MATCH NEVER HAPPEN!? You could have at least given Bam Bam a quality win over Kamala; I'd have liked to have watched those two big beefy boys beating the fuck out of one another.

So in the post-show, we got Rob Bartlett working it with that one RAW girl the Bushwhackers molested at the top of the show. Jesus Christ save me, please. There's a Slim Jim commercial and then the hype to March to WrestleMania, where Randy Savage is gonna face off against Yokozuna. Neat. This show is over though... but god damn this may be the worst show I've seen so far. I put this off for months and when I come back it's this fucking show? I'm actually upset, like, holy shit Vince. No wonder your company was tanking. You can't even put on any quality television worth a fuck. SKIP
​

The Bushwhackers vs. Repo Man & Damien Demento	SQUASH
Tatanka vs. Reno Riggins	SQUASH
Money Inc. vs. John & Jess Armstrong	SQUASH
Doink The Clown vs. Kamala	1/2*