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Reposting this for Citan, I'll merge it into the Wing Kong Exchange later.
It is Lifeday, a holiday that is celebrated on Chewbacca's home planet Kashyyyk. Chewie and Han Solo are trying to get to the planet where Chewie's family is waiting for him, but the Empire is out searching for the rebels, giving everyone a hard time. While we are waiting we get a look at the everyday life of a Wookiee family. We meet all the familiar characters from Star Wars and we are introduced to Boba Fett during a small cartoon. We also pay a visit to the Cantina and meet all the monsters again.
In 1978 Star Wars was quite possibly the most popular thing on the planet. After the incredible success of the first film in the eventual trilogy, everybody wanted a piece of the action and George Lucas (creator of the franchise and owner of the merchandising and licensing rights) was only too happy to offer those slices up on a silver platter. That brings us to the Star Wars Holiday Special, an utter abomination of insanity that is so bad it is beyond good. Not only that though, it is so bad that I cannot contain everything in it to one measly review and so I have decided to break the film down into two parts, since even I can only take so much lunacy in a day. You see, Lucas was so greedy that he decided CBS (after paying him a small fortune I'm sure) could make a suitable Holiday Special based on his beloved characters. What followed was the most bizarre and inane thing ever put on film, a pseudo-variety show with appearances by some of the "hottest" stars of the day. Director Steve Binder (who shot Elvis Presley's famous '68 Comeback Special) was brought in to make sure the script (by people like Pat Proft and Bruce Vilanch!!!!) was filmed smoothly. The result was something the likes of which the world had never see before or has since, a complete and total fail on almost every level possible. So be prepared because I am breaking from my normal style of review in an attempt to cover EVERYTHING that is crazy about this film, which is not going to be easy.
Right from the start we know this is going to be fantastic since it stars the original main cast of Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. What we notice right away is that Hamill looks like more of a girl in his photograph than Fisher does, though to be fair Fisher looks way more coked up than Ford does. Actually Ford looks like he's been hitting the Jack Daniels and we really can't blame him because the next batch of credits are really something to be admired. First we see Chewbacca's family and they all get their own introduction but I'll be looking at them in greater detail shortly so I'm not going to bother with the names...yet. Then the greatest thing ever happens as the following actors names and pictures flash on the screen in rapid succession. Beatrice Arthur (oh my), Art Carney (oh wow), Diahann Carroll (oh no), Jefferson Starship (oh dear), Harvey Korman (oh yeah) and an animated Star Wars story with that little bitch Boba Fett (oh joy). Seriously, with Arthur, Carney and Korman involved one would think that there would be absolutely no way to screw this film up right? Well yes actually, there is, and with the opening credits out of the way lets get right into the myriad of ways that the director and writers did that very thing.
Right away I'd like to point out that I find it incredibly hilarious that Wookie's apparently have carpeting in their homes (which are in trees). This seems odd to me considering their feet are pre-carpeted but hey, why should I question things like this right? Chewbacca's wife looks pretty much like any other Wookie except she has lipstick...yes, lipstick. I was going to actually take the time to mention their names but why bother, since its best to leave you in the dark, much like the writers did here by shooting this entire opening scene in Shyriiwook (Wookie language) WITHOUT SUBTITLES!!! Yep, I love to just hear random Wookie growls and have absolutely no idea what is going on. We get to meet Chewie's lovable son who looks a little sedated as he plays with his X-Wing toy (the kids name is Lumpy and I am not making that up, watch the opening credits) and also his father, some dude with really strange facial expressions (see below for more on that). I can't waste a lot of time on that because up next we have a bizarre holographic circus which Lumpy clearly enjoys even though I have absolutely no clue what is going on at any time in it. Chewie's wife (Malla for those actually still reading) goes over to a computer and checks to see if there are any starships in the area and the computer responds by telling her no. How do I know this you ask? Because they COMPUTER DISPLAYS IT'S MESSAGES IN ENGLISH EVEN THOUGH THERE HAS BEEN NO ENGLISH SPOKEN IN THIS FILM TO THIS POINT!!! So Wookie's speak in Shyriiwook but read English...yes, that makes perfect sense and actually once you get your head around that the rest of this film REALLY falls into place.
Mark Hamill (along with R2D2) makes an appearance as a woman pretending to be Luke Skywalker (seriously, check out the makeup job there) and provides us with some English as well as some horribly bad comedy in the form of an exploding engine. Next we're off to Saundan's trading post where Saundan (Art Carney...the man, the legend) is trying to sell something to someone but I really don't remember what it is because all I can grasp out of this scene is the horrible joke where he says "she did it all by herself, in fact you might say she did it Hand. Solo." Yes, that is actually something the writers thought would be amusing though I cannot say I am surprised considering what I've already sat through in this "special", which is special for all the wrong reasons. We get a brief throwaway shot of Darth Vader which automatically qualifies as the best part of this film so far because James Earl Jones is the only one who seems to be taking himself seriously, and HE'S NOT EVEN ON CAMERA!!! Now its time for a commercial break and boy have I been waiting for this. First up we've got a commercial for an Assembly Man who works on the lines at General Motors. Sadly they never shot the sequel to this commercial where he walks the Unemployment Lines, it would have been much more realistic. Next up is the Kenner toy Trail Tracker, which was a little van that followed a line you drew on a map, EVEN a WAVY line. I had this thing when I was a kid and let me tell you, the fun lasted for about 45 seconds, which coincidentally is how long these commercials lasted before we are shot right back into the "special".
It's time for a little cooking show, since apparently Malla doesn't know how to make "Bantha Surprise". The chef she is watching prepare this meal that has tasty loins and rump (wtf?) is none other than the hilarious Harvey Korman though in this case he could be called Harvey Crack-man because it seriously appears as if he may be on crack. All I am going to say here is "stir, whip, stir, whip, beat, beat, stir" and leave the rest to your imagination. Suffice to say this is the funniest thing in the special yet though that isn't really a good thing so much as it is a testament to Korman's ability to make even the most inane character funny. We head over to Chewbacca and Han Solo evading some imperial TIE fighters which are basically just re-used stock footage from the original film. They use the remote cannon to destroy these TIE fighters while I am left to wonder why they didn't just make the jump to lightspeed to get away, though thinking that way clearly points to my sanity and it is best to just let yourself go loony if you are going to enjoy this film. And hey, here's Art Carney at the Wookie household, bringing some gifts for Lumpy (who he actually kisses and then says he loves to make a Wookie happy....gross). He also gives grandpa a present in the form of a chair that plays some strange form of pornography (Carney alludes to this while grandpa makes that funny face again). We get some horrible kaleidoscope effects before good old Diahann Carroll graces our screen and attempts to be sexy but epic fails instead. I really don't have words to describe what is going on in this scene, I actually almost cut my tongue out so I would never have to speak of it again but thankfully it ended before I could muster up the courage to do so. Suffice to say if I NEVER have to sit through this one scene again I will be a very happy camper.
After that complete acid trip of a sequence is finished we find Princess Leia and C3P0 talking to Malla. Fisher is obviously on drugs here and that of course makes her performance the best in the movie so far. Seriously, she has nothing of note to say at all and I really think the writers just had no clue at all how to use these characters properly so instead just said "f**k it, let's just give them the hokiest dialogue possible and have a good laugh at their expense". This strategy can be applied to every character in this movie including the Wookie's who don't even speak English. Yep, I can tell their dialogue is hokey too, its a special talent of mine. Han Solo and Chewbacca approach the planet and Chewie's family gets all excited, so excited in fact that they rush to open the door even though I am not sure why considering the Falcon just flew over their house and there is no way that they could have gotten there so quick. Of course its not Han and Chewie at the door, its some STORMTROOPERS!!! Dah dah dah!!!! This is a perfect time for a commercial break though as we get a CBS Sunday night promo that includes 60 Minutes, an episode of All in the Family that I've totally seen before (man that was a great show, unlike this crap that I am watching right now), an episode of Alice (not such a good show), a special with Lucille Ball called "Lucy Comes to Nashville" which I totally want to find and finally an episode of Dallas where JR may or may not be the father of Sue Ellen's baby, which pretty much summed up the entire plot of that season. Next up is a commercial for Comtrex (some over the counter competitor for Dristan) with two of those classic 1970's commercial actors with the painted on smiles, you've GOT to love the 70's. A commercial for the Ladies Garment Workers Union follows as I swear I am not making this up and the little "look for the Union" jingle at the end is just priceless. Man I miss commercials like this and I am dead serious, they were SO much better back then, almost like mini-movies that were all better than the Star Wars Holiday Special. Yet another great commercial comes next in the form of the Bell Telephone "Be Choosy" campaign where they basically told people to buy telephones for each other as gifts! A promo for the movie "The Bible" comes next and apparently its on Saturday Night at 8 so don't miss it.
More commercials as Reggie Jackson hit three home runs in one World Series game which was apparently enough to have his own candy made. Reggie actually looks really tasty and I honestly don't think I've ever had it before since I am sure it didn't last long on the shelves before it was discontinued due to it most likely having 8,000 calories in one bar. And on that note we are going to take a hiatus since the film starts up again right after this commercial and I've already sat through more than enough of it today. I hope you enjoyed this first part of the Star Wars Holiday Special review and certainly hope you will be back tomorrow for the EPIC conclusion to this sordid tale of chefs on crack, Wookie porn and Mark Hamill battling it out with Carrie Fisher for the title of prettiest girl in the film. Until tomorrow, may the force be with you.
"There is NO WAY I am explaining this picture to you."
The Star Wars Holiday Special
AKA An Experiment in Insanity
It is Lifeday, a holiday that is celebrated on Chewbacca's home planet Kashyyyk. Chewie and Han Solo are trying to get to the planet where Chewie's family is waiting for him, but the Empire is out searching for the rebels, giving everyone a hard time. While we are waiting we get a look at the everyday life of a Wookiee family. We meet all the familiar characters from Star Wars and we are introduced to Boba Fett during a small cartoon. We also pay a visit to the Cantina and meet all the monsters again.
In 1978 Star Wars was quite possibly the most popular thing on the planet. After the incredible success of the first film in the eventual trilogy, everybody wanted a piece of the action and George Lucas (creator of the franchise and owner of the merchandising and licensing rights) was only too happy to offer those slices up on a silver platter. That brings us to the Star Wars Holiday Special, an utter abomination of insanity that is so bad it is beyond good. Not only that though, it is so bad that I cannot contain everything in it to one measly review and so I have decided to break the film down into two parts, since even I can only take so much lunacy in a day. You see, Lucas was so greedy that he decided CBS (after paying him a small fortune I'm sure) could make a suitable Holiday Special based on his beloved characters. What followed was the most bizarre and inane thing ever put on film, a pseudo-variety show with appearances by some of the "hottest" stars of the day. Director Steve Binder (who shot Elvis Presley's famous '68 Comeback Special) was brought in to make sure the script (by people like Pat Proft and Bruce Vilanch!!!!) was filmed smoothly. The result was something the likes of which the world had never see before or has since, a complete and total fail on almost every level possible. So be prepared because I am breaking from my normal style of review in an attempt to cover EVERYTHING that is crazy about this film, which is not going to be easy.
"Who is prettier? There can be only one."
Right from the start we know this is going to be fantastic since it stars the original main cast of Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher. What we notice right away is that Hamill looks like more of a girl in his photograph than Fisher does, though to be fair Fisher looks way more coked up than Ford does. Actually Ford looks like he's been hitting the Jack Daniels and we really can't blame him because the next batch of credits are really something to be admired. First we see Chewbacca's family and they all get their own introduction but I'll be looking at them in greater detail shortly so I'm not going to bother with the names...yet. Then the greatest thing ever happens as the following actors names and pictures flash on the screen in rapid succession. Beatrice Arthur (oh my), Art Carney (oh wow), Diahann Carroll (oh no), Jefferson Starship (oh dear), Harvey Korman (oh yeah) and an animated Star Wars story with that little bitch Boba Fett (oh joy). Seriously, with Arthur, Carney and Korman involved one would think that there would be absolutely no way to screw this film up right? Well yes actually, there is, and with the opening credits out of the way lets get right into the myriad of ways that the director and writers did that very thing.
"I don't know exactly what is going on here but I do know that its gross."
Right away I'd like to point out that I find it incredibly hilarious that Wookie's apparently have carpeting in their homes (which are in trees). This seems odd to me considering their feet are pre-carpeted but hey, why should I question things like this right? Chewbacca's wife looks pretty much like any other Wookie except she has lipstick...yes, lipstick. I was going to actually take the time to mention their names but why bother, since its best to leave you in the dark, much like the writers did here by shooting this entire opening scene in Shyriiwook (Wookie language) WITHOUT SUBTITLES!!! Yep, I love to just hear random Wookie growls and have absolutely no idea what is going on. We get to meet Chewie's lovable son who looks a little sedated as he plays with his X-Wing toy (the kids name is Lumpy and I am not making that up, watch the opening credits) and also his father, some dude with really strange facial expressions (see below for more on that). I can't waste a lot of time on that because up next we have a bizarre holographic circus which Lumpy clearly enjoys even though I have absolutely no clue what is going on at any time in it. Chewie's wife (Malla for those actually still reading) goes over to a computer and checks to see if there are any starships in the area and the computer responds by telling her no. How do I know this you ask? Because they COMPUTER DISPLAYS IT'S MESSAGES IN ENGLISH EVEN THOUGH THERE HAS BEEN NO ENGLISH SPOKEN IN THIS FILM TO THIS POINT!!! So Wookie's speak in Shyriiwook but read English...yes, that makes perfect sense and actually once you get your head around that the rest of this film REALLY falls into place.
"Can you even see what is going on in this shot? Excellent production values guys!"
Mark Hamill (along with R2D2) makes an appearance as a woman pretending to be Luke Skywalker (seriously, check out the makeup job there) and provides us with some English as well as some horribly bad comedy in the form of an exploding engine. Next we're off to Saundan's trading post where Saundan (Art Carney...the man, the legend) is trying to sell something to someone but I really don't remember what it is because all I can grasp out of this scene is the horrible joke where he says "she did it all by herself, in fact you might say she did it Hand. Solo." Yes, that is actually something the writers thought would be amusing though I cannot say I am surprised considering what I've already sat through in this "special", which is special for all the wrong reasons. We get a brief throwaway shot of Darth Vader which automatically qualifies as the best part of this film so far because James Earl Jones is the only one who seems to be taking himself seriously, and HE'S NOT EVEN ON CAMERA!!! Now its time for a commercial break and boy have I been waiting for this. First up we've got a commercial for an Assembly Man who works on the lines at General Motors. Sadly they never shot the sequel to this commercial where he walks the Unemployment Lines, it would have been much more realistic. Next up is the Kenner toy Trail Tracker, which was a little van that followed a line you drew on a map, EVEN a WAVY line. I had this thing when I was a kid and let me tell you, the fun lasted for about 45 seconds, which coincidentally is how long these commercials lasted before we are shot right back into the "special".
"Drugs were involved..."
It's time for a little cooking show, since apparently Malla doesn't know how to make "Bantha Surprise". The chef she is watching prepare this meal that has tasty loins and rump (wtf?) is none other than the hilarious Harvey Korman though in this case he could be called Harvey Crack-man because it seriously appears as if he may be on crack. All I am going to say here is "stir, whip, stir, whip, beat, beat, stir" and leave the rest to your imagination. Suffice to say this is the funniest thing in the special yet though that isn't really a good thing so much as it is a testament to Korman's ability to make even the most inane character funny. We head over to Chewbacca and Han Solo evading some imperial TIE fighters which are basically just re-used stock footage from the original film. They use the remote cannon to destroy these TIE fighters while I am left to wonder why they didn't just make the jump to lightspeed to get away, though thinking that way clearly points to my sanity and it is best to just let yourself go loony if you are going to enjoy this film. And hey, here's Art Carney at the Wookie household, bringing some gifts for Lumpy (who he actually kisses and then says he loves to make a Wookie happy....gross). He also gives grandpa a present in the form of a chair that plays some strange form of pornography (Carney alludes to this while grandpa makes that funny face again). We get some horrible kaleidoscope effects before good old Diahann Carroll graces our screen and attempts to be sexy but epic fails instead. I really don't have words to describe what is going on in this scene, I actually almost cut my tongue out so I would never have to speak of it again but thankfully it ended before I could muster up the courage to do so. Suffice to say if I NEVER have to sit through this one scene again I will be a very happy camper.
"They were also involved here apparently...."
After that complete acid trip of a sequence is finished we find Princess Leia and C3P0 talking to Malla. Fisher is obviously on drugs here and that of course makes her performance the best in the movie so far. Seriously, she has nothing of note to say at all and I really think the writers just had no clue at all how to use these characters properly so instead just said "f**k it, let's just give them the hokiest dialogue possible and have a good laugh at their expense". This strategy can be applied to every character in this movie including the Wookie's who don't even speak English. Yep, I can tell their dialogue is hokey too, its a special talent of mine. Han Solo and Chewbacca approach the planet and Chewie's family gets all excited, so excited in fact that they rush to open the door even though I am not sure why considering the Falcon just flew over their house and there is no way that they could have gotten there so quick. Of course its not Han and Chewie at the door, its some STORMTROOPERS!!! Dah dah dah!!!! This is a perfect time for a commercial break though as we get a CBS Sunday night promo that includes 60 Minutes, an episode of All in the Family that I've totally seen before (man that was a great show, unlike this crap that I am watching right now), an episode of Alice (not such a good show), a special with Lucille Ball called "Lucy Comes to Nashville" which I totally want to find and finally an episode of Dallas where JR may or may not be the father of Sue Ellen's baby, which pretty much summed up the entire plot of that season. Next up is a commercial for Comtrex (some over the counter competitor for Dristan) with two of those classic 1970's commercial actors with the painted on smiles, you've GOT to love the 70's. A commercial for the Ladies Garment Workers Union follows as I swear I am not making this up and the little "look for the Union" jingle at the end is just priceless. Man I miss commercials like this and I am dead serious, they were SO much better back then, almost like mini-movies that were all better than the Star Wars Holiday Special. Yet another great commercial comes next in the form of the Bell Telephone "Be Choosy" campaign where they basically told people to buy telephones for each other as gifts! A promo for the movie "The Bible" comes next and apparently its on Saturday Night at 8 so don't miss it.
"What the hell are we doing in this film and is there at least enough money to cover our cocaine bills?"
More commercials as Reggie Jackson hit three home runs in one World Series game which was apparently enough to have his own candy made. Reggie actually looks really tasty and I honestly don't think I've ever had it before since I am sure it didn't last long on the shelves before it was discontinued due to it most likely having 8,000 calories in one bar. And on that note we are going to take a hiatus since the film starts up again right after this commercial and I've already sat through more than enough of it today. I hope you enjoyed this first part of the Star Wars Holiday Special review and certainly hope you will be back tomorrow for the EPIC conclusion to this sordid tale of chefs on crack, Wookie porn and Mark Hamill battling it out with Carrie Fisher for the title of prettiest girl in the film. Until tomorrow, may the force be with you.
"There is NO WAY I am explaining this picture to you."
The Star Wars Holiday Special Part II
Hey folks, I am back with the second part of the review of the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special and while it pains me to sit through the rest of it I will do it for YOU because I love you and because I get some sort of perverse satisfaction out of sitting through it AND in writing extremely long sentences. If you'll remember from yesterday's awesome first part of this review you will know where we stand with the film; in deep sh*t. Yes, instead of making a coherent movie the filmmakers instead attempted to recreate the experience of viewing Star Wars while on a combination of LSD, PCP, DMT and some sort of fish paralyzer and it actually worked. Nothing and I do mean nothing could compare to the insanity that is on display throughout this film and if you think that it was nuts yesterday then you have a big surprise coming to you. It actually gets crazier in the second part!! That's right, I didn't think it was possible either but the second half of this film completely exceeds my expectations for the bizarre and it should be required viewing for all aspiring mental patients and serial killers around the globe. So with that nifty little intro out of the way let's dive right into the second part of the film that even George Lucas removed his name from even though he probably kept the millions they paid him to license the characters and the name because he's a greedy megalomaniac.
We left off yesterday with a cliffhanger of sorts, as Chewbacca's family answered the door expecting to find their beloved patriarch but instead found some Stormtrooper's pointing guns at them. Oooh, the suspense! I just can't wait to see what happens next. Well I actually could have because it is just Art Carney talking up a storm in a blatant attempt to confuse said Stormtrooper's. Listen Art, these guys aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer at the best of times so confusing them shouldn't take so much effort. Our next little moment of unbridled psychosis comes in the form of a hologram machine that Carney shows to an Imperial Officer. The hologram that plays is a performance from none other than Jefferson Starship. Who are Jefferson Starship you ask? Well they are a super schlocky 80's band that were responsible for some real kick ass power ballad's (Sara, Nothing's Gonna' Stop Us Now) and one of the most well known 80's songs (We Built This City). Here they perform one that really isn't up to the level of those, though to be fair I really can't understand anything that they are singing or playing because the audio is mastered so poorly it sounds like it was done on a tape recorder...wait, it probably was! On the bright side of things the Imperial Officer seems to be enjoying it as he taps his fingers to the beat. With lyrics like this though, who can really blame him for getting into it....
I like Jefferson Starship almost as much as I like Star Wars, so it is only fitting to see them perform their worst song ever in the worst Star Wars movie ever. These things just belong together and I dare you to try and sit through this whole song without facepalming at least twice.
Next up is the special Star Wars cartoon that they hyped up in the opening sequence and when I say it is the best thing about this film that is not saying much. Besides R2D2 looking like the quivering mass of jelly seen a little later in this review, Luke Skywalker appears to be on more drugs than Carrie Fisher is...I mean just look at those eyes! Now this isn't the worst cartoon I've ever seen though it is pretty close. One thing I really love in it is the introduction of Boba Fett, sitting on some idiotic monster that looks like it came out of the Candilicious ad's from the 80's ("bigger than you figure...in fruit and tropical"). I would point out the underside of the Millenium Falcon is purple but should that really surprise you at this point? Of course Boba Fett turns out to be a bad guy as if we didn't see that one coming and the rest of the cartoon pretty much blows the big one but why let me tell you that when Han Solo himself can sum up his feelings on the entire Star Wars Holiday Special in his own wonderfully expressive way...
Commercial time...hooray! Apparently a lot more people worked at General Motors back in 1978 because they get a second commercial in for the future employees that they will be laying off in about two years. Next up is some satisfied housewives (ha) who switched to Pillsbury Plus Yellow Cake from Duncan Hines as I am left to wonder how that hurts anyone since they were owned by the same company!! Next up is the Hungry Giant helping to advertise Hungry Jack biscuits that cook up in JUST 11 minutes. If we suddenly reverted to the 1970's I'm betting about 90% of our instant gratification society would commit suicide. CBS NEWSBREAK as we learn that Soviet President Brezhnev told 12 US Senators that the Soviet Union had once tested a Neutron Bomb but never put it into production. "That's the bomb that kills people but leaves building's intact" according to the newscaster. There are some more stories but why bother, it was clear the media was big into selling fear even back then. We get some promo's for Bobby Vinton's Rock & Roller's (totally seen it) and what I am guessing is a trailer for the film "The Wild Geese" starring Richard Burton, Richard Harris and Roger Moore; bad acting galore, I must find this movie now!! Before you buy ANY car you should see Gladding because you can get a factory air conditioned 1979 Chevette for just $99 down and $99 a month BABY!! Finally there is a commercial for public catalogues (man I miss those things) and Hot City (which I have honestly never heard of) before we get BACK to the show!!
The Imperial Officer and the Stormtrooper's are totally douching it up in Lumpy's room, going as far as ripping the head off of his stuffed toy Bantha. Man these guys are jerks, I hope they get what's coming to them. Lumpy goes to his room and has a spastic fit when he sees what they have done to his room and I have to admit I kind of felt bad for the little f*cker when he cradles his decapitated Bantha head. After that depressing scene we need some laughs and who better to turn to than Harvey Korman right? Right? Wrong, as he shows up in one of the absolute worst sight gag scenes I have ever seen in my entire life and it just runs on for way too long. Some quick commercials for Tobor the Telesonic Robot (it's Robot spelt backwards, get it?). a Revlon commercial which is basically the same as the one's they do today (originality rocks) and some bizarre commercial about not keeping standards leading to a quick death which is actually a promotional advertisement for Whirlpool Appliances. This ad REALLY needs to be seen to be believed so I have included it at the end of this review because it is just another of the incredibly bizarre moments in this two hours of insanity that I am sitting through. Oh, speaking of insanity, the best is yet to come as we are about to hit the Nth degree of the insane courtesy of a return to the Star Wars Cantina. Ready? Ok, here we go....
We are LIVE on Tattooine where we get to see some more funky aliens and of course the lovely lady above, none other than Beatrice Arthur (of Maude and later Golden Girls fame) as the bartender. Arthur is one of my favourite comedienne's and once Harvey Korman shows up (AGAIN!!) as Krelman, a man who is clearly in love with Arthur the stage SHOULD be set for the best moment in this film so far (outside of that crazy commercial I just talked about that is). Unfortunately these two can do nothing with the hideous script that they were given to work with and so the scene descends first into soap opera levels of hideous before turning into yet another song and dance number. Fortunately this song isn't as bad as the Jefferson Starship one (but that's not saying much) and we DO get to see Bea Arthur dance with Greedo (or another Rodian) so that in and of itself makes this one of the best moments in the movie. The giant hamster (yes, there is a giant hamster in this scene) is also kind of funny because of how insane it looks, kind of like everything else in this scene! The Imperials are about to do some very mean things to Lumpy but before we do that we need another quick commercial break. First up, Anacin as the pharmaceutical companies win the domination award tonight. Woolite makes clothes you wash look better but nobody uses it anymore so I guess that's not true. "We've got real panties in our pantyhose" with Sheer Indulgence, which wins the award for best song in this film and then a commercial for the EGG MCMUFFIN...YES!!! I so wish they made those things all day, I'd be at McDonald's five times a week. Another quick promo for a show called "Flying High" which I think you had to be to watch this whole thing and then a commercial for a Mercury Bobcat for $4,142!!! Finally a promo for the movie "The Wiz" which I can remember being extremely horrid so I will not be attempting to watch it again.
We're back though and little Lumpy is about to get his ass handed to him but HAN MOTHERF*CKING SOLO is here to save the day and by save the day I mean he causes the Stormtrooper to trip and fall (complete with Wilhelm Scream) to his death. Wow, I told you these guys were stupid but THAT is REALLY STUPID...STUPID!!! Han tells the Wookie's that they are like family to him and we then get to the real insanity as each Wookie grabs a coloured ball of light and somehow end up in red robes AND teleported into space. Commercial break here as FTD "Wish You Well Bouquets" are VERY therapeutic but I still prefer drugs. Speaking of drugs, the guys who created those Fruit of the Loom commercials with the giant fruit men were definitely on some but the commercial still rocks. Next is a commercial for Bell Long Distance that has NOTHING to do with telephones and yet another pantyhose commercial! Back to the movie as all of our favourite characters are here to celebrate Life Day and Princess Leia gets a chance to show off just how stoned she is with the most pointless speech about love for one another that I've ever heard in my life before she sings the Life Day song which is just something that NEEDS to be heard to be appreciated since it is basically just the Star Wars theme song with horrible lyrics over the music. Yep, its just that bad that I had to include it here, because if I had to suffer through it then SO DO YOU!!!
And with that it is mercifully over as is this review. I really don't know what to say about the Star Wars Holiday Special that I haven't already said. It is unbelievably horrible, completely inane on every level and a massive waste of two hours of your life. What does that mean? It means you really should check it out because it is one of the greatest bad movies of all time and everybody loves a good bad movie right? Right? Well I do and hopefully some of you do as well and will take the time to check out this shining example of craptastic cinema in the near future. I really find it hard to rate this film because I love bad movies so much that the rating will obviously be skewed but from a critical standpoint it is about a 1/10. On MY scale however it is a clear 10/10 and is just a great movie to watch with a bunch of friends, a bunch of beers and a bunch of bud because trust me, nobody should experience this film alone...or sober. So that's it and that also concludes Star Wars Week which went a little longer than expected but oh well, you can't win them all. I really enjoyed looking back at all the good and bad of the Star Wars films and I hope you did too. Thanks for reading and for the last time I will say, may the force be with you...always.
AKA "What....the.....f*ck?"
"We built this city on schlock and roll...yeah!!"
We left off yesterday with a cliffhanger of sorts, as Chewbacca's family answered the door expecting to find their beloved patriarch but instead found some Stormtrooper's pointing guns at them. Oooh, the suspense! I just can't wait to see what happens next. Well I actually could have because it is just Art Carney talking up a storm in a blatant attempt to confuse said Stormtrooper's. Listen Art, these guys aren't the sharpest knives in the drawer at the best of times so confusing them shouldn't take so much effort. Our next little moment of unbridled psychosis comes in the form of a hologram machine that Carney shows to an Imperial Officer. The hologram that plays is a performance from none other than Jefferson Starship. Who are Jefferson Starship you ask? Well they are a super schlocky 80's band that were responsible for some real kick ass power ballad's (Sara, Nothing's Gonna' Stop Us Now) and one of the most well known 80's songs (We Built This City). Here they perform one that really isn't up to the level of those, though to be fair I really can't understand anything that they are singing or playing because the audio is mastered so poorly it sounds like it was done on a tape recorder...wait, it probably was! On the bright side of things the Imperial Officer seems to be enjoying it as he taps his fingers to the beat. With lyrics like this though, who can really blame him for getting into it....
"Will you light the sky on fire? Haaaaaaaaaaaaa! Will you light tonight like you did the night before, babe? You take me higher than the diamonds in the sky. Take me, light in the sky and we'll vanish without a trace. And we'll see God then!"
I like Jefferson Starship almost as much as I like Star Wars, so it is only fitting to see them perform their worst song ever in the worst Star Wars movie ever. These things just belong together and I dare you to try and sit through this whole song without facepalming at least twice.
"Holy crap, that space coke IS really good!!"
Next up is the special Star Wars cartoon that they hyped up in the opening sequence and when I say it is the best thing about this film that is not saying much. Besides R2D2 looking like the quivering mass of jelly seen a little later in this review, Luke Skywalker appears to be on more drugs than Carrie Fisher is...I mean just look at those eyes! Now this isn't the worst cartoon I've ever seen though it is pretty close. One thing I really love in it is the introduction of Boba Fett, sitting on some idiotic monster that looks like it came out of the Candilicious ad's from the 80's ("bigger than you figure...in fruit and tropical"). I would point out the underside of the Millenium Falcon is purple but should that really surprise you at this point? Of course Boba Fett turns out to be a bad guy as if we didn't see that one coming and the rest of the cartoon pretty much blows the big one but why let me tell you that when Han Solo himself can sum up his feelings on the entire Star Wars Holiday Special in his own wonderfully expressive way...
"So Lucas says this is a good career move for me...what a douche."
Commercial time...hooray! Apparently a lot more people worked at General Motors back in 1978 because they get a second commercial in for the future employees that they will be laying off in about two years. Next up is some satisfied housewives (ha) who switched to Pillsbury Plus Yellow Cake from Duncan Hines as I am left to wonder how that hurts anyone since they were owned by the same company!! Next up is the Hungry Giant helping to advertise Hungry Jack biscuits that cook up in JUST 11 minutes. If we suddenly reverted to the 1970's I'm betting about 90% of our instant gratification society would commit suicide. CBS NEWSBREAK as we learn that Soviet President Brezhnev told 12 US Senators that the Soviet Union had once tested a Neutron Bomb but never put it into production. "That's the bomb that kills people but leaves building's intact" according to the newscaster. There are some more stories but why bother, it was clear the media was big into selling fear even back then. We get some promo's for Bobby Vinton's Rock & Roller's (totally seen it) and what I am guessing is a trailer for the film "The Wild Geese" starring Richard Burton, Richard Harris and Roger Moore; bad acting galore, I must find this movie now!! Before you buy ANY car you should see Gladding because you can get a factory air conditioned 1979 Chevette for just $99 down and $99 a month BABY!! Finally there is a commercial for public catalogues (man I miss those things) and Hot City (which I have honestly never heard of) before we get BACK to the show!!
"I love this movie, yes I do, yes I do, yes I do...."
The Imperial Officer and the Stormtrooper's are totally douching it up in Lumpy's room, going as far as ripping the head off of his stuffed toy Bantha. Man these guys are jerks, I hope they get what's coming to them. Lumpy goes to his room and has a spastic fit when he sees what they have done to his room and I have to admit I kind of felt bad for the little f*cker when he cradles his decapitated Bantha head. After that depressing scene we need some laughs and who better to turn to than Harvey Korman right? Right? Wrong, as he shows up in one of the absolute worst sight gag scenes I have ever seen in my entire life and it just runs on for way too long. Some quick commercials for Tobor the Telesonic Robot (it's Robot spelt backwards, get it?). a Revlon commercial which is basically the same as the one's they do today (originality rocks) and some bizarre commercial about not keeping standards leading to a quick death which is actually a promotional advertisement for Whirlpool Appliances. This ad REALLY needs to be seen to be believed so I have included it at the end of this review because it is just another of the incredibly bizarre moments in this two hours of insanity that I am sitting through. Oh, speaking of insanity, the best is yet to come as we are about to hit the Nth degree of the insane courtesy of a return to the Star Wars Cantina. Ready? Ok, here we go....
"Dancing in the streets...or at least in the Cantina."
We are LIVE on Tattooine where we get to see some more funky aliens and of course the lovely lady above, none other than Beatrice Arthur (of Maude and later Golden Girls fame) as the bartender. Arthur is one of my favourite comedienne's and once Harvey Korman shows up (AGAIN!!) as Krelman, a man who is clearly in love with Arthur the stage SHOULD be set for the best moment in this film so far (outside of that crazy commercial I just talked about that is). Unfortunately these two can do nothing with the hideous script that they were given to work with and so the scene descends first into soap opera levels of hideous before turning into yet another song and dance number. Fortunately this song isn't as bad as the Jefferson Starship one (but that's not saying much) and we DO get to see Bea Arthur dance with Greedo (or another Rodian) so that in and of itself makes this one of the best moments in the movie. The giant hamster (yes, there is a giant hamster in this scene) is also kind of funny because of how insane it looks, kind of like everything else in this scene! The Imperials are about to do some very mean things to Lumpy but before we do that we need another quick commercial break. First up, Anacin as the pharmaceutical companies win the domination award tonight. Woolite makes clothes you wash look better but nobody uses it anymore so I guess that's not true. "We've got real panties in our pantyhose" with Sheer Indulgence, which wins the award for best song in this film and then a commercial for the EGG MCMUFFIN...YES!!! I so wish they made those things all day, I'd be at McDonald's five times a week. Another quick promo for a show called "Flying High" which I think you had to be to watch this whole thing and then a commercial for a Mercury Bobcat for $4,142!!! Finally a promo for the movie "The Wiz" which I can remember being extremely horrid so I will not be attempting to watch it again.
"Hey look, its a Wookie Wormhole."
We're back though and little Lumpy is about to get his ass handed to him but HAN MOTHERF*CKING SOLO is here to save the day and by save the day I mean he causes the Stormtrooper to trip and fall (complete with Wilhelm Scream) to his death. Wow, I told you these guys were stupid but THAT is REALLY STUPID...STUPID!!! Han tells the Wookie's that they are like family to him and we then get to the real insanity as each Wookie grabs a coloured ball of light and somehow end up in red robes AND teleported into space. Commercial break here as FTD "Wish You Well Bouquets" are VERY therapeutic but I still prefer drugs. Speaking of drugs, the guys who created those Fruit of the Loom commercials with the giant fruit men were definitely on some but the commercial still rocks. Next is a commercial for Bell Long Distance that has NOTHING to do with telephones and yet another pantyhose commercial! Back to the movie as all of our favourite characters are here to celebrate Life Day and Princess Leia gets a chance to show off just how stoned she is with the most pointless speech about love for one another that I've ever heard in my life before she sings the Life Day song which is just something that NEEDS to be heard to be appreciated since it is basically just the Star Wars theme song with horrible lyrics over the music. Yep, its just that bad that I had to include it here, because if I had to suffer through it then SO DO YOU!!!
[video=youtube;N7v6OapFp9w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7v6OapFp9w[/video]
"Worst....song....ever."
"Worst....song....ever."
And with that it is mercifully over as is this review. I really don't know what to say about the Star Wars Holiday Special that I haven't already said. It is unbelievably horrible, completely inane on every level and a massive waste of two hours of your life. What does that mean? It means you really should check it out because it is one of the greatest bad movies of all time and everybody loves a good bad movie right? Right? Well I do and hopefully some of you do as well and will take the time to check out this shining example of craptastic cinema in the near future. I really find it hard to rate this film because I love bad movies so much that the rating will obviously be skewed but from a critical standpoint it is about a 1/10. On MY scale however it is a clear 10/10 and is just a great movie to watch with a bunch of friends, a bunch of beers and a bunch of bud because trust me, nobody should experience this film alone...or sober. So that's it and that also concludes Star Wars Week which went a little longer than expected but oh well, you can't win them all. I really enjoyed looking back at all the good and bad of the Star Wars films and I hope you did too. Thanks for reading and for the last time I will say, may the force be with you...always.
[video=youtube;wcHufFQ8UnA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcHufFQ8UnA[/video]
"Could this be the most insane commercial of ALL TIME?"
