Fuji reviews Godzilla (1998) - Part Two

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Fuji Vice

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Godzilla – Part 2

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Well we’re back folks, and it’s time to delve into the second part of this mammoth review of the undisputed classic, 1998’s Godzilla. For those who are wondering, here’s the score so far. A giant lizard (product of French nuclear testing) has come to New York and is currently wreaking havoc on the city, even going as far as destroying the Chrysler building. Oh wait, scratch that, the Chrysler building (and many others) was actually destroyed by the military while trying to kill the lizard (affectionately known as Gojira). Not willing to settle for simply sucking at killing a monster, the brain trust in the crisis management team also fired the only guy who actually knew anything about the fucking thing. Yes, these people are beyond the realm of idiocy and have actually taken it to an art form but I digress. This dude who knows everything about Gojira is one Nick Tatopolous (AKA Matthew Broderick playing a Greek) and he has just been whisked away by JEAN FUCKING RENO (AKA Sharp Dressed Man), the French secret agent who’s in the US doing damage control since they created the monster in the first place. Oh and Nick’s ex-girlfriend, now a not so intrepid reporter, was the one who got him fired after she stole his tape. Nick had just given her a stern talking to and she, along with her friend Animal, have followed him and the French dude to his secret lair. Alright, we’ve got the back story out of the way, so let’s get on with the rest of this insanity!

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"Two thumbs up for shitty impersonators."

So while our intrepid heroes are off trying to find Gojira’s nest, the military is doing their best to fuck up yet another “Kill Gojira†operation. They start this one off the same way as the last one before once again royally screwing the pooch and missing Gojira on numerous occasions. How the hell are these guys in charge again? Meanwhile our resident Siskel and Ebert clones are prattling on about something in the command room but I can’t pay attention to them because it’s just so horrendous that they even have these two characters in the first place! Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to make cute little references to the very two movie critics who would subsequently trash the shit out of the film? Anyhow, enough of that little rant because we’re back in action baby, and Gojira’s so tired of running that he simply jumps into a nearby harbor for a little bath. Unfortunately for him, there are also some submarines in there and they quickly jump to action. Rather than try to describe the hilarity which ensues at this moment I figured it was time for a video break…

[video=youtube;5NIQmsYkTSc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NIQmsYkTSc[/video]

So to summarize the events above, the entire US Navy save for one submarine are complete morons (par for the course at this point), Gojira is one hell of a swimmer and, oh yeah, he’s also dead. Well at least I think he’s dead, I mean he is floating to the bottom of the sea right? So wait, if Gojira’s dead then why isn’t the movie over yet? Oh, I know why, because good old Doctor Nick and the Frogs are still out there searching for the nest and so far they haven’t really had any luck. Too bad someone didn’t tell them that Gojira was a big ‘rasslin fan because if they’d known that they probably would have gotten HERE sooner….

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That’s right folks, the old lady herself, Madison Square Garden, which Gojira has been using as a home base of sorts. Well that and also a place to nest “his†eggs, of which there appear to be hundreds. In fact, there’s so many that JEAN FUCKING RENO tells Broderick to “stop countingâ€, which kills any chance of a hilarious scene where they count each individual egg while circus music plays in the background. Oh come on, as if that would have made this movie any worse! On the bright side, we do get to see a scene where Matthew Broderick has a little too much tactile contact with one of the eggs and yes, it’s just as awful as it sounds.

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"Bow-chick-a-wow Part II"

Because this is a movie the eggs conveniently start to hatch almost immediately after our heroes show up and discover them. Thank goodness for Hollywood punctuality eh? Of course the eggs all have Lil’ Gojira’s inside and these fuckers are keen on getting out so they can enjoy some of the finer things in life like fish, popcorn and humans. Did I say humans? Yep, I guess I did, but you can’t really blame the little bastards for wanting to eat them, I mean they do all smell like fish and some of them are French! These things are also pretty big considering they’re supposed to be babies, and they look remarkably similar to another deadly movie creature. That’s right, take a look at these dudes and tell me they don’t look at least a little bit like Velociraptors.

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"I could swear I've seen these before."

Well actually, I guess the proper term for them would be Gojiraptors, but that still doesn’t make up for this obviously blatant rip off. That was one of the main reasons I was referencing Jurassic Park yesterday but even as I was typing this it suddenly dawned on me that this entire movie is like one long version of the final 10 minutes of Steven Spielberg’s infinitely more entertaining, The Lost World. This begs the question of why the producers and director felt that was a good direction to go in. Clearly copying Spielberg is never a bad thing, but this time around it looks like they got more of Minority Report level Spielberg than Jaws level, which obviously doesn’t bode well. However, I don’t have too much time to think about this further, since the Gojiraptors go on the offensive, obviously realizing that killing these hapless humans will end the movie quicker! Some hilariously bad scenes featuring the actors failing miserably at acting scared follow, before they get out of the building just in time for the military to FINALLY do something right and…..

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AMERICA….FUCK YEAH!!!! Yes, the military finally gets it right and nukes the crap out of Madison Square Garden, although now that I’m thinking about it that’s pretty much just par for the course for them here. Is it really right for them to be celebrating after this happens by high-fiving at their own gross ineptitude and property damage? Of course it is, because they’ve finally gotten rid of the threat…oh wait, never mind, no they haven’t. Yes folks, that’s right, you just can’t keep a good Gojira down and so almost immediately after MSG perishes in flames he pops his head up from underground where he’s apparently been hiding this whole time. This would already be a major problem but the situation quickly becomes a lot worse when he noses some of his dead babies and realizes they’ve killed all his offspring. You know, this is actually kind of a sad scene and for some reason it makes you sympathize with the monster even more. If this was the intention of the filmmakers then I say they did a good job, so obviously it wasn’t and they just got lucky! Speaking of lucky, the four heroes left (Reno’s redshirts all bought it in MSG) hop into a cab that’s conveniently right next to them and they take off with the creature in tow. Eventually they lead him to a suspension bridge where he gets tangled in the cables. No, seriously, see for yourself.

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This spot of luck allows the military to finally have an immobile target and this time they make no mistake, slamming a bunch of missiles into its side until it collapses in a heap on the surface of the bridge. This makes Nick sad, since he alone realizes how misunderstood this poor guy is, and so he heads over to have one last poignant moment with the beast before it expires. This touching moment is at goddamn Kodak levels, so of course you all have to see it right here.

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So with Gojira finally dead everyone can go back to getting on with their lives right? Haha, no fucking way bitches, because the last shot of this movie is one final egg sitting in the middle of the burnt out Madison Square Garden, and right before the credits roll, that fucker hatches!!! This was obviously setting up a sequel which thankfully never materialized. Most people blame that on the poor box office returns for the film (yeah, it ONLY made over $200 million above its budget) but personally I blame this….

[video=youtube;F-iwsoPNxrs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-iwsoPNxrs[/video]

That’s right, Jimmy Page whoring out one of Led Zeppelin’s best songs so that moron P Puff the Magic Diddler Daddy could get his rocks off was easily the worst part of this movie and I’m only thankful that it occurs during the end credits. This way I can simply shut the film off rather than have to sit through how awful everything about this song is. So there you have it folks, the absolute final word on Godzilla’s 1998 incarnation but before I go I’d like to leave this with a fat 5/10 because for all the horrible stuff here, there’s a lot of hilarity, even if it was unintentional. Plus, you do get to see Gojira hump the shit out of a building, and that’s worth one pointy Gojira penis all by itself!
 

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I think people would have liked this better if it didn't have the Godzilla name to it. I didn't find the film horrible but hated it since it was a Godzilla film.

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