Here's the next one. Featuring James Storm vs. Slash. As in, "watching TNA 2002 makes me want to Slash my throat". This one got a very generous rating of 4.14/10.

Storm does a boot-catch enzuigiri and a powerslam early. Slash takes control and does an... airplane spin? We'll never know because Storm drops off. At least he tries to make his mediocre set look somewhat different. Suplex for two. He tosses Storm TO THE OUTSIDE, then challenges Harris so Brian Lee can do his furniture bashing for him. ON GOES THE CHINLOCK! It's a really weak one though and Storm fights out. Slash is about to do his neckbreaker finish but Storm kicks him in the cock and does a superkick. Slash tries to kick Storm out but he skins the cat and does a headscissors takedown. Russian legsweep for two.

Storm tries to do a top rope neckbreaker but Belladonna interferes. Slash chucks powder in Storm's eyes and now here's the neckbreaker. Only gets two though. A finish with powder in the eyes doesn't get the pin, huh. Storm does a crossbody, Slash rolls through with a handful of tights, only two. Cheating being buried left and right this match. Belladonna gets a chair out but only assists Storm in hitting a Swinging Noose neckbreaker off the top on to it. Chris Harris comes in to cut off a Brian Lee assault, but Slash uses a belt shot... two! Storm is immortal. Belladonna accidentally distracts the ref again, which lets AMW do a Death Sentence on Slash! AMW are 2-0 up on the champs.

A match that felt really indie, but also really low-rent pseudo-WCW. False finishes for things that shouldn't be false finishes.

Wait, what? Belladonna? Not Father James Mitchell? Yeah, Mitchell says his current bout of fake double pneumonia (and priapism, in a joke that no one ni the Nashville crowd will ever get) means that he can't wrestle. So we get treated to Vince Russo's favourite, men beating up women. I'm not saying that guy has problems, but... actually, yeah, I am saying that.

AMW doesn't want to fight a woman so they just go after Mitchell, but this gets them jumped by Brian Lee and Slash. Shitty brawling and furniture bashing set to silence. Back in the ring and this is a glorified beatdown angle. They even bring the bullrope out to choke the AMW boys a bit. Refs try to clear the heels off and demand Mitchell get in the ring. He does and the bell rings finally, so it's time for two wrestlers getting the shit beaten out of them by a manager with a rope. BOOT CHOKING! And eye raking! And bullrope choking! Mitchell sends Belladonna in to finish the job. She goes up top but Harris yanks her down by the rope. Both guys hit their finishes on Belladonna before fending off a Slash/Brian Lee attack. Death Sentence, what an overly long, scummy glorified angle!

No words.

What's last on my latest visit to 2002 wrestling hell? A handicap match involving the Harris boys, rated 1.50/10?



So this was meant to be Jarrett/BG James teaming but the Road Dogg got attacked. As before, we start on the outside and it's a big old lazy WCW 2000 furniture bash fest. Jarrett briefly manages to fight back with a chair, but it doesn't last. They even go into the crowd because That Makes It Better and Jarrett gets shoved into a pile of chairs. He briefly manages to fight back with a penis kick and gets some chair shots in before the beatdown continues. The fans start helping Jarrett by giving him chairs. "You're starting to get educated with the works of Vince Russo in a hurry" -Tenay says it all.

Finally we're in the ring and it's still Harris dominance. H-Bomb attempt countered but it comes to nothing. H-Bomb countered again, double clothesline. An injured Truth comes out to not make the save but just hobble about instead. Jarrett's got a chair. One of the Harris boys takes the opportunity to beat up a black man... but Jarrett gets in the Stroke and pins the other while he isn't looking! And then there's post-match involving Vince Russo, Truth getting murdered some more, Road Dogg turning heel out of nowhere, and then fucking Paul Bearer debuting but who cares about that.

I don't want to think about 2002 TNA again. But no doubt I'll have to.

BIG LADS TEAM EXPLODES! We're finally free from the 2002 vortex (for now) and it's time to look at a really dreadful show from 2009! Tellingly, the only genuinely good match on Destination X '09 was the token Ultimate X match, with the rest being almost threateningly mid. There's a three-match block, though, that's juiciest for this thread, and that's what we're looking at here! First off, Abyss and Matt Morgan get hardcore in a table match with pointy bits of metal rather than tables. This, I believe, is the last time they did this. Wonder why? Cagematch rating: 2.82/10.

Oh, there's silvery drawing pins all over. Boards of tacks, a bagful on a pole. I don't doubt that Morgan could grab that from a standing start. Abyss brings his emotional support bag out, too. Morgan takes a cheap shot from behind but the crowd loves him. The two big lads slug each other until Morgan clotheslines Abyss TO THE OUTSIDE! And Abyss drags Morgan's long legs so he takes a ring post to the penis. He carts the tack boards over to the Standard Impact Zone Big Bump Position next to the ramp before returning to Morgan. Morgan gets the edge, but he forgets the rules and goes for a pin. He's just okay, but him doing a body guillotine on the top rope is pretty impressive.

Morgan retrieves the bag from the pole and doesn't sufficiently spread the tacks out to provide a proper bump position. He instead tries to shove Abyss' face into it but Abyss fights out. He does a butt bump in the corner. Up the pole Abyss goes to get another tack bag but he can't use them because he eats a Carbon Footprint. Morgan gets a chair and props it in the corner. He avoids getting shoved into it himself by a floatover but Abyss punts him in the dick on the way down. Abyss gets a tack bag and adds it to Morgan's piddly little pile, teasing a big bump but after a scramble, the Black Hole Slam doesn't go into tacks. Abyss reveals his bag had broken glass in it! But for now Morgan's heading up the ramp. Abyss teases chokeslamming Morgan into the tack boards but Morgan kicks him in the penis. Carbon Footprint into the tack boards! Morgan wins.

The main thing wrong with this match was the premise. You want to do a hardcore match with two big lads, go hardcore. You can have the tack bump but you can also have other things happen. Don't just waste eight minutes teasing what is effectively a spicy table bump, and then having the most hardcore thing be a kick to the penis. Try harder, TNA.

THE KONGTOURAGE EXPLODE! This Dave-certified DUD immediately followed Abyss/Morgan, and it leaves me wondering. Why did they take the only one in the Kongtourage who could wrestle or promo, put her in a gimmick where she wasn't meant to talk, and then keep her with Kong as a manager rather than having her wrestle? Some things can't be explained.

Kong misses an Uraken early which lets Sojo take the edge. She immediately uses this to botch a floatover and a flying jawbreaker(?) in quick succession. It's now Kong's time to toss her opponent about which is always fun. ROPE CHOKING! And a swinging sleeper because it's the swinging.. 70s? That doesn't sound right. Kong misses a corner charge, Sojo tries something but gets brick walled. Chokeslam, boot on the chest, gets two. Time to go for a big splash... Kong misses! La Magistral by Sojo for two, followed by a jackknife pin. Raisha Saeed interference, but Kong misses another charge and goes TO THE OUTSIDE! Sojo tries something but Kong just shoves her back in. Double axe handle by Sojo is the first move she doesn't totally fuck up. She gets caught on a second, Awesome Bomb, squash/10.

This is the sort of match I think our friend Donnie would love. It's Kong bullying a smaller woman and that's always cool. Except it's on PPV and Sojo got any offence at all (and managed to blow most of it).

Finally for Destination X: this Main Event Mafia vs. TNA Frontline clash was one of the most hyped matches on this card, and yet it was ranked a DUD too. How'd that happen?

This was penis tattoo era Samoa Joe. Like, the very start of penis tattoo Samoa Joe. They go in brawling right from the start and Steiner blades right at the beginning. T-Bone suplex, then Steiner hits a Flatliner. Steiner goes under the ring to find a lead pipe, but Joe cuts him off on the apron and lamps Steiner with it instead. The ref understandably isn't happy, so Joe tosses him out of the ring, punches out his replacement, and that forces the DQ. Steiner is the winner in theory, but Joe's on a rampage. He brawls Steiner into the crowd, tastes his blood, and then to the back they go.

I get why you're doing this, but why the fuck do it on PPV? That just cheats the fans.

Fast forward a month later, to a rare arena show for TNA and to another DUD. I can see why. We've got two useless nothings, Daffney who will get no offence knowing TNA, and ODB having to tie it all together!

Oh yeah, this is Cody Deaner era ODB. We've already seen the nonsense that these two were capable of, but with the steel cage surely that won't be the problem. This sort of multi-woman is hard to follow and write about. Sojo does a boot choke. Daffney surely gets a three-count off a Northern Lights suplex but ref misses it. ODB is way over as she does her thing. The heels are the ones controlling the pace, but the heels are Sojo and young Madison so it's deathly quiet and visually dogshit. Daffney gets a bit of shine, to be fair, doing a double crossbody and a hair-neckbreaker on Sojo. She tries a Vader elbow but Madison rolls away.

Deaner uses the camera hole to give ODB some alcohol and that fuels her comeback. She whips both heels into the corner and does a big corner splash. Fallaway slam and kip-up, how do you not have this woman as champion of everything? Sidewalk slam gets two after Sojo breaks it up. Daffney gives Sojo a Lobotomy and then a double facebuster with Madison causes a double down. ODB gets a drink and spits some in Sojo's face, and a big powerslam finishes it. Is this for a title shot? Does it have a special stipulation? No, it does not. Deaner puts his back out trying to lift ODB and celebrate with her so he gets lifted instead. Wholesome.

This is no good though. No competent heels in this match so half of it dragged.

"This is a DUD? How'd they fuck that up?" you may think. Well, I have vague memories of this match's finish. And I know that around this month, the X Division was weirdly cross-promoting with the second Jackass movie. So, what's the natural point of convergence between the X Division and Jackass? Doing stupid jumps off high shit? Oh no. Oh no no no. Not that.

Petey Williams comes out with a bottle of water. Lethal's entrance is delayed because he's fucking about playing PS2 with Sabin and Sonjay, and Sonjay reveals to Jerry Lynn that he has laxatives. Just from that, you know the finish, and you know why this match is disliked, so let's get it over with. To be honest, it starts out great. Athletic exchanges and all. Williams thinks he's tossed Lethal TO THE OUTSIDE but Lethal lands on the apron and does a springboard dropkick. Soon Williams slides under Lethal's legs and really does drag him outside. Williams is heeling but Lethal was acting much more the douche pre-match. Tenay and Taz talk about shenanigans involving a bowling ball and a shopping trolley on previous Impacts. I'm guessing they didn't affect the matches as much as this, otherwise I'd be watching them.

Williams does an enzuigiri to the... back, and then hits a guillotine dropkick, but starts showing stomach issues. ON GOES THE CHINLOCK with arm trap but Lethal fights out. Now Williams is holding his arse and yeah it's obvious now. He knees out of a suplex but can't pin properly. Tree of Woe for the O Canada spot but his troubles are stopping him from climbing the ropes. Sonjay is out like a shitty teen movie character laughing like a shit with the laxatives. Lethal does laxative psychology with gut shots and an atomic drop. Senton to the gut. "This could get messy" -please no, Don. Gutbuster for two. Lethal now smells something. Williams does a codebreaker and package DDT but can't take full advantage. Canadian Destroyer teased to "hold it in" chants. He can't do it (hit the move, that is) and tries to make a dash for the bogs. Lethal rolls him up for the win. Williams tries not to both lose and shit himself on PPV.

TNA Foot-Shooting Incident number 473: turn the best part of your product into a cartoonish parody of itself that even Vince Russo wouldn't have pulled if there wasn't money to be had. Also I just found out that this PPV was sponsored by the awful Spy Hunter PS2 game. Really says it all.

One of the most insisted-upon things in this era of TNA was Larry Zbyszko not just on TV, but dragging his old ass into the ring. This was the culmination of the iconic "Don't Fire Eric" storyline, where EY was rejected by pretty much every authority figure and made to fear for his job, lost a "loser is fired" match thanks to Larry Z interference... so this is the blow-off. It's a DUD though. What's wrong with it? We'll see.

Larry's hair has recovered a bit from the Raven match. "Happy birthday Eric" sign. I checked, and no it wasn't. A load of stalling and playing to the crowd to start. "Fire Larry" is the fan chant. They tease a lock-up but EY pulls back to mug for the camera more. 2 minutes in we finally make some contact, and it's ended immediately by a nut shot from Larry Z. The most energetic abdominal stretch I've ever seen is reversed by EY into one of his own. Larry Z BUMPS THE REF because of course he does, after only seconds of wrestling. He pulls out brass knucks but EY punches him in the dick, uses them himself... the ref recovers and that's three. EY's reinstated, Larry's fired, the crowd love it.

Not a match.

Fuck me, I had genuine horror flashbacks when the 2002 TNA theme played at the start of this show. Anyway, this is Slammiversary, celebrating the five years that TNA continued to exist despite itself. And we're looking at three matches from this show. I suppose this one, featuring Tennessee handegg man Frank Wycheck, is a tribute to those early Asylum days. For example, Truth is being wasted by being placed against (and probably jobbing to) a non-wrestler. This fully earned its... wait, 2.75 STARS??? HOW?

Wycheck doesn't want to face Truth. Lynn does a little dance in Truth's face. This Lynn/Truth match is way better than it was back in 2002. Lynn does a nice jumping elbow strike, and a sick armdrag on Storm. We get the handegg man staredown with Storm, there's a shoulderblock, and Storm is the one on his feet somehow. Come on, that's the reverse of how that spot usually works. There's a fun spot after that though where Storm puts on an NFL helmet and he and Truth do a mock sportsball play. Storm even fumbles the ball. Back to actual wrestling, Wycheck is a baby deer on ice and Storm knocks him down again. He runs in such a shuffly way but it's effective, at least in kayfabe. Truth runs right at him and gets crotched on the ropes. Then Wycheck tosses Lynn at the heels!

Storm skins the cat on the ropes until Lynn interferes. Truth lures Wycheck into chasing him, and Storm clotheslines his concussion head on concrete. Fucking hell. Back in the ring, ROPE CHOKING! And a dropkick to the head. This was 7 days before Benoit's murders, by the way. Ref removes a chair to prevent a chair shot to the dome. Lynn gets swept off the apron by Truth, and that's another head bump, yikes. Eye of the Storm on Lynn. No pin attempt because Storm spits beer in the face of Wycheck's NFL friend instead.

Double crossbody for a double down, and the double hot tag is to Storm and Wycheck. Wycheck fights the heels 2-on-1, hitting big man dropkicks... Last Call outtanowhere! But the NFL friend pulls Storm out and does some shitty worked punches, then fends off Jacqueline's attack. Storm's about to hit Wycheck with a beer bottle but Lynn knocks it away. Piledriver by Wycheck does the job.

Shrug. Okay, I guess, but it didn't move me. A shenanigans fest which was what it needed to be.

Here's the Dave DUD on this show. The Old Age Outlaws (not the WCW ones) are facing the Basham Brothers - a team chosen by Christy Hemme, because oh yeah, it's the Christy misogyny storyline! You thought we were done with it after Big Fat Oily Guy, but it's here!

Kick right off with a punchfest and VKM are dominating. I don't know which Basham brother is which. They have slightly different designs on their tights. The alleged babyfaces threaten Hemme a bit too much which lets the Bashams get advantage. Apparently this is Damaja/Danny. They do a drop toe hold/knee to the head thing which is too good for them. Damaja can kip up out of a Russian legsweep, which automatically makes him better than Dogg. Said canine rolls away from a diving headbutt. Hot tag to Billy Gunn who hits a slam for two. Bashams try a double suplex, Dogg spears one, and Gunn rolls up the other for the finish. Post-match VKM chase Hemme but Lance Hoyt is waiting for her, they're about to chokeslam a woman like true babyfaces... SWERVE BRO Lance Hoyt turns heel for no real reason other than Red Woman Hot.

Mediocrity meets mediocrity for about three minutes.

And finally, a farce. This was meant to be Team 3D vs. the Steiners but Scott had a serious throat injury and couldn't compete. We'd eventually get those two teams fighting in a tables match at Bound for Glory, but instead, this time we get 3D facing off against two weak links of their respective tag teams. What, Marty Jannetty wasn't available? Cagematch rates this a solid 3.80/10.

Rick has a pronounced limp, somehow more so than Animal. Start off with Devon and Rick, and they can sort of do a lock-up. Rick is gassed instantly. Devon does an uppercut. Elbow drop gets two. Rick has the arm trapped but this comes to nothing. As soon as Ray's in, Rick is dominant and gets to tag to Animal. Ray gets a piledriver on Animal but in true Road Warrior style he doesn't sell shit. After a short 3D double-team Animal stops selling again and brings Rick on. Ray snaps Rick's neck across the rope, which lets Devon overpower him. Rick is the only one willing to give 3D anything. Devon tries a diving headbutt but misses because he didn't say WAZZUP before it. Also, diving headbutts again. Benoit was 7 days away.

In to out-of-shape Animal who still manages to toss both of 3D about. Clotheslines everywhere and both men are down. Doomsday Device teased but they take too long and Animal is down. Rick gets a double flyng Steinerline but 3D outtanowhere suddenly finishes the match.

An old, old match, with a flat finish.

Jumping a full 11 Slammies ahead, here's one of the more recent DUDs in the TNA camp. I love me a good Royal Rumble, and this is a Rumble without the trademark, but this got rated a DUD and earned a 2.38/10 Cagematch rating. What happened? I remember what happened, but for your purpose, what happened?

#1 - Tasha Steelz
#2 - Kylie Rae

Okay, strong start! Kylie's waving at everyone at ringside... which, given that this is mid-2020, it's the commentators, the refs, and no one else. Tasha establishes dominance early on wth a headlock. Both women try a headscissors takedown, Tasha gets fancy doing it off an armdrag but botches it.

#3 - Taya Valkyrie??

Oh yeah, this is a big part of why nobody liked this match. It's John E. Bravo dressed as Taya Valkyrie. Both women toss him out, and Penzer is so funny with his tone on this announcement. "Taya Valkyrie? has been eliminated" -he says it exactly like you think he'd say it. Kylie tries to initiate a high-five while... wait, it's been a minute already? No it hasn't. They're rushing through this one.

#4 - Kimber Lee
#5 - Kiera Hogan
#6 - Susie

The drunken domestic abuser herself! She uses her power edge right away and does backbreakers. Tasha cuts her off with a pump kick as the countdown seems to come on far too fast. Fire and Flava reunite, and Kimber Lee thinks she's part of it so they both smack her about. Kiera and Tasha are each working on one corner when in comes Susie with palm uppers that visibly don't hit anything. Arachnarana teased but Tasha fights off... Kylie Rae saves with a superkick and takes Tasha out. Oh yeah, that was a weird team, wasn't it? Pandemic TNA was weird.

#7 - Katie Forbes
#8 - Madison Rayne

Katie is from "Twerk City". Yep. She does some stuff before in comes Kiera to initiate a twerk-off. "Greco-Roman twerk" -Don Callis, whose idea this probably was. Last time we saw Madison Rayne she was being terrible in 2009, so has she improved? At least she does a couple of moves. Susie tries to make a friend and gets wrecked. "DON'T TOUCH MY LOTION" -Madison, in a shoving match with Kiera. At least that wouldn't be the weirdest feud.

#9 - Havok
#10 - Taya Valkyrie

Katie can't help but dance to Havok's music but eats a side slam. Havok murders Susie with an enzuigiri, Boston crabs Kylie Rae, and gets backpacked by Kiera. Okay, this is the real Taya Valkyrie this time. She looks dominant, Katie Forbes goes for an elimination but it doesn't work. Right now it's Taya vs. Katie, Kimber vs. Kiera, Susie vs. Madison, and Havok vs. Kylie. There really isn't much happening.

#11 - Alisha Edwards
#12 - Nevaeh

LISH TIME! She does a bunch of stuff at half speed including a Tornado DDT that looks like more of a bulldog. Katie Forbes is eliminated off-screen. No idea. Nevaeh completes the power team of the division at the time, and slams Kiera while making her DDT Kimber. Cool spot! Lish forgets to fuckin' sell again and again. Things get chaotic before who I believe is the final entry...

#13 - Rosemary

Left behind, we're left behind~ She and Taya kill Susie a bit because they're Friends and whoever's in Su Yung's body right now is Not Friends.

#14? - Rosemary??

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT Bravo. Also apparently Susie got eliminated during the entrance. Bravo tries and fails to eliminate the Taya/Rosemary latent beef. Havok's about to chokeslam both but Bravo pushes her out and eliminates her. Kylie Rae eliminates Bravo and feels bad doing it. Don't worry, you did a good job. She mocks Madison eliminating her, though. Bit of double standards on our hands. Kimber shoves Nevaeh into Lish on the apron getting rid of them both. Kiera gets kicked off the corner by Rosemary and could land on the stairs but she remembers this is her elimination. It looks silly. Kimber wheelbarrows Kylie but Kylie counters into a cutter and eliminates her. Now Kylie's got to do this 2-on-1. She gets some hope spots but nope. Rosemary uses the Upside Down but Taya tips Kylie up and that sends Rosemary to the floor. Pinfall phase time!

Kylie's selling her neck and Taya's trying to convince Rosemary it wasn't her fault. Taya has a fireman's carry but Kylie breaks out a Destroyer out of nowhere! One superkick later, Kylie is smiling her way to a title shot. She never gets this title shot due to being Wrestle Housed and then having a breakdown and quitting before BfG that same year. Do I smell a title to track in that one thread I keep reviving and forgetting about? Probably!

Anyway, the vibes aren't good. The sub-1-minute time windows really do a lot to make a Rumble feel rushed and ephemeral, which is the number 1 thing a Rumble should never feel. Lack of crowd hurts this type of match too. And also the Bravo stuff was unnecessary.

This is going to be an interesting one, as we're going to review two matches that function as one. It's a house show special! This part was rated a DUD by the ever-infallible Dave, and I don't remember liking it either, even before it started!

Bravo reminds Dango to tell everyone that he hates pro wrestling... wait, this time he hates TNA Wrestling. Huge special entrance for PCO with the mad doctors. PCO whom, I may remind you, Scott D'Amore re-signed for this year with the promise of a World Title reign. Dango lays in with punches but PCO recovers quickly and tosses Dango into the ether with one hand. 56-year-old cannonball to the outside by PCO! Elbow drop, PCOsault is about to happen, but Bravo yanks the leg and the old man lands right on his neck. Heel beatdown, Rhino makes the save, Santino makes a 3-on-3 because he knows "Alphabet Bravo" will cause issues. Let the tag match begin!

Anyway this was a total nothing.