The Promo Advice/Feedback Thread

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This thread can be used to ask for and receive feedback on promos. The league runs on promos and the better the promo, the better it is for everyone. If you want feedback on a promo, link it in this thread.

This thread can also be used by anyone to give feedback and advice on a promo they see. Don't use this thread just to tell someone that their promo was bad, tell them why it was bad and give them advice on how to improve.
 

Chicken McDouble

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*camera shows spike cox sitting on his bike in a carpark*

Spike cox: So this week at night of champions i make my debut for the iron man championship! Not a bad way too make youre debut am i right? *Laughs* and i know what youre thinking... *Looks right into the camera* "How come you get a title shot?" Easy cause im bigger, badder, better! then anyone in the locker-room, just look at me. *poses* Anyway when i win the title, yes i said it! When "I win the title" cause me losing is less likely then Donald Trump becoming president. So everyone better get use too seeing me with gold around my weist here. And to anyone stupid enough too think they stand a chance against a guy like... Wait am sorry, a monster like me is obviously crazy or just really, really stupid! So too anyone who wants a early retirement match, just step in the ring with me! Take this as a warning *Starts his bike up and drives away. Camera fades too black*

Okay... never done one of these before, but it's worth a shot.

This promo is good, especially for someone who I haven't seen write a promo yet. First things first some spelling/grammar mistakes.

'Not a bad way too make youre debut am I right?' - Youre should be just Your, also the wrong 'To' aswell.

'cause im bigger, badder, better! than anyone in the locker room, just look at me. - Exclamation mark not needed by better, it should be at the end after 'me'.

A common error - Your using the wrong 'To', 'Too' is if your saying 'Too much of something', for example....
'Too good'
'Too fast'
'Too spicy'

Also, capital letters and other punctuation marks are placed incorrectly.

Talk about your opponent. Why are you better than them? What makes them stand no chance at all against you?

Speak about your finishing move... What makes it so deadly? Is it going to be the move that ends your opponent?

Talk about the title... Why is the title important to you? What makes you the perfect candidate for that title?

Apart from all of that it's a very nice promo, especially for your first one. I think you have the skill to write amazing promos if you get your punctuation perfect. I think your next promo should be talking to the WWEF universe, use the media import button at the top to put in your entrance music and go from there.

Good luck man!

@D3ADLY
 

Geek773

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Okay... never done one of these before, but it's worth a shot.

This promo is good, especially for someone who I haven't seen write a promo yet. First things first some spelling/grammar mistakes.

'Not a bad way too make youre debut am I right?' - Youre should be just Your, also the wrong 'To' aswell.

'cause im bigger, badder, better! than anyone in the locker room, just look at me. - Exclamation mark not needed by better, it should be at the end after 'me'.

A common error - Your using the wrong 'To', 'Too' is if your saying 'Too much of something', for example....
'Too good'
'Too fast'
'Too spicy'

Also, capital letters and other punctuation marks are placed incorrectly.

Talk about your opponent. Why are you better than them? What makes them stand no chance at all against you?

Speak about your finishing move... What makes it so deadly? Is it going to be the move that ends your opponent?

Talk about the title... Why is the title important to you? What makes you the perfect candidate for that title?

Apart from all of that it's a very nice promo, especially for your first one. I think you have the skill to write amazing promos if you get your punctuation perfect. I think your next promo should be talking to the WWEF universe, use the media import button at the top to put in your entrance music and go from there.

Good luck man!

@D3ADLY
Great feedback :)
 

D3ADLY

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Okay... never done one of these before, but it's worth a shot.

This promo is good, especially for someone who I haven't seen write a promo yet. First things first some spelling/grammar mistakes.

'Not a bad way too make youre debut am I right?' - Youre should be just Your, also the wrong 'To' aswell.

'cause im bigger, badder, better! than anyone in the locker room, just look at me. - Exclamation mark not needed by better, it should be at the end after 'me'.

A common error - Your using the wrong 'To', 'Too' is if your saying 'Too much of something', for example....
'Too good'
'Too fast'
'Too spicy'

Also, capital letters and other punctuation marks are placed incorrectly.

Talk about your opponent. Why are you better than them? What makes them stand no chance at all against you?

Speak about your finishing move... What makes it so deadly? Is it going to be the move that ends your opponent?

Talk about the title... Why is the title important to you? What makes you the perfect candidate for that title?

Apart from all of that it's a very nice promo, especially for your first one. I think you have the skill to write amazing promos if you get your punctuation perfect. I think your next promo should be talking to the WWEF universe, use the media import button at the top to put in your entrance music and go from there.

Good luck man!

@D3ADLY
Thanks for the feedback
 

Ginothony Bamtano

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I'm not going to give much feedback considering I always come off as an asshole when I give feedback. But I want to bring up just one sentence from D3ADLY's promo.
cause me losing is less likely then Donald Trump becoming president.
Trump is very likely going to be president in 2016. Check your facts.
 

Geek773

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Trump is very likely going to be president in 2016. Check your facts.
Dammit, don't depress me Gino. I live in the UK and that sentence scares me... he'll probably wanna invade us if our govt don't like him or some scary ass shit...
 

Indy

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Dammit, don't depress me Gino. I live in the UK and that sentence scares me... he'll probably wanna invade us if our govt don't like him or some scary ass shit...
Trump is pretty Blue, but he's not a psychopath who wants to take over the world. America would never benefit from that, and I'm sure he knows that. Most of his plans are absolutely ludacris and I'm sure that, in four years, he'll be seen as one of the worst presidents ever, but him attacking the UK would go way too far, brother. Pretty sure that if he would attack countries in Europe, that we'd stop him from doing that anyways. The US is strong and has a nicely developed army, but he can't go and defeat an entire continent lol.
 

Geek773

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Trump is pretty Blue, but he's not a psychopath who wants to take over the world. America would never benefit from that, and I'm sure he knows that. Most of his plans are absolutely ludacris and I'm sure that, in four years, he'll be seen as one of the worst presidents ever, but him attacking the UK would go way too far, brother. Pretty sure that if he would attack countries in Europe, that we'd stop him from doing that anyways. The US is strong and has a nicely developed army, but he can't go and defeat an entire continent lol.
Hopefully he isn't that crazy. But when a presidential candidate who is thoroughly ignorant and racist and has no previous experience, and is likely going to win, shit's scary.
 

Geek773

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This thread died in a big way. Anyway, @Welsh-Wizard-97 and I would appreciate some feedback on this!

*Jack Rogue's music hits and the crowd bursts into cheering*



*Rogue sprints out from behind the LED board and holds his arms out by his sides in the centre of the stage to soak in the reception. However, as the cameraman moves up the ramp to get a closer view, Jack's expression is fairly serious. He moves briefly to each side of the stage to greet the fans either side, before taking his long, running strides down the ramp and sliding into the ring under the bottom rope. He stands up in the centre of the ring and turns 360 degrees to get a look at the crowd. This puts a small smile onto his face, as he reaches between the ropes on the far side of the ring to take a mic from the timekeeper, as his music fades*

Jack: Ladies and gentlemen of Fort Worth, Texas!

*The cheering rains down from the noisy audience as the wry grin so often seen on Jack's face begins to return*


Jack: You know, there's nothing quite like a wonderful crowd to lift a bad mood, thank you guys. Because this past week, since my match with Chris "Doomsday" Parks on the last edition of Precision - or, rather, the aftermath of that match - among other events on that episode... it hasn't been a good week. Last week saw the return of my first friend in TWF. Last week saw the re-emergence... of Andersen Vega.

*Boos immediately ring loud and clear throughout the arena as Rogue slowly shakes his head*

Jack: But then again, no it didn't. Because evidently my friend Andersen, the man I knew in TWF, took all that I liked about him, all the good-naturedness and non-hostile confidence that had him take me under his wing when I first got to TWF... and left it back in Newark, New Jersey, where he went after The Scat near killed him at TWF WrestleMania. For anyone who wasn't here last week, Andersen returned by viciously assaulting one of the unlikely premier stars in Precision - here such people are so needed - Alice Xander. And not only that, but the man he brutally attacked was suffering from a similar situation to that that forced him from the ring, a concussion that Andersen mercilessly exploited with a baseball bat to the back of the neck.

*By now the boos have increased to thunderous levels from this reminder of Vega's cruel battery of Xander the previous week*

Jack: I haven't spoken to Alice Xander since then... but from what I've heard I doubt very much he's been speaking to anyone. While I'm not in a position to give a medical update on his condition, what I know for sure is that it's bad - we are unlikely to hear from him for some time. But in case Andersen Vega, in irretrievably casting aside the support of all of you, hadn't made enough mistakes last week, the next thing he did was attack me. After my match with Chris Parks, he attempted a similar assault with the same weapon on me. I tried to fight back, for Alice, for all of you, and to show Andersen what he's dealing with. But with a Pedigree he left me semi-conscious and stood dominant over two of Precision's most adored fan favourites in one night.

Jack: But Andersen, you're dealing with a different man to the green rookie you introduced to TWF. I have success now, man. And I have what you haven't had for months, I've been high on the drug you've been craving, I've been on top of the world and you've watched me from down in the doldrums. I've had the appreciation of these people.

*Rogue points behind him as he looks into the hard camera, and the crowd noisily cheer their support*

Jack: So if you think you're coming at me to guarantee yourself an easy win on pay-per-view, to ease yourself back into the business, you can think again. Your arrogance will be your downfall, and I will prove it. I'd love to give you a chance, Vega, to say that I get it, that I understand what you're going through, and maybe to help you back into these people's hearts, where you used to belong. But you've crossed a line, Andersen. You've made calculated attacks from behind to further your agenda, to get the lips moving, to fast track to the top. It's working so far for you, but it's what we both fought. It's why I stood at your side in my TWF debut when we took on Ian Jaxs' guys. And now... now you're like the rest of them. You've succumbed, man. You gave in. You are what you hated. And I will not let it pay for you, I will beat the old Andersen, my friend, out of this new creature if I have to!

*Rogue turns to face the ramp and holds out his non-mic arm out as the crowd cheer*


Jack: So, Andersen! Come and get what you're going after! Get out here, and I'll show you what this rookie became!

*A few seconds pass, then Vega's music hits and Rogue turns around to hype the crowd as he takes off his T-Shirt, looks over his shoulder, and backs up against a turnbuckle*



Lades and Gentlemen by Saliva blasts into the ears of everyone in the arena, and the audience seems to want to drown that noise out as they let out every bit of emotion they have with chorus of deafening boos. Jack Rogue, however, his just calmly leaning in his corner while checking his back every few seconds, not wanting to get blindsided again.



Jack can relax however, as Andersen Vega slowly appears from the formally "Alice Position" and onto the stage, causing the boos to get louder. Jack notices something that gets him a little nervous, and that is the Baseball bat in Vega's right hand. Vega however is not nervous in the slightest, as the feeling of power is seemingly flowing through him, now knowing full well what he's capable of after last week's actions. He begins to lightly twirl the bat around with his right hand, and with a microphone in his left hand, he begins to speak.


Vega: Ladies and Gentlemen!... Of Fort Worth, Texas.

A cheap pop didn't seem to get in these fan's good graces as another round of boos shoot through the arena. Vega knew this and is seemingly reviling in the fact that he can so easily get a reaction from these people, pretty much controlling their emotions.

Vega: Ya know Jack, you're right, there is nothing like a wonderful crowd to lift a bad mood... But lets face it, this crowd is far from wonderful. We're in Texas for Christ sake!... And not even a nice part of Texas!... Who books these venues in this company? I'm used to being in front of the biggest crowds in the best cities around the world. And now I'm in a place that makes Gotham City look like Disneyland. Damn my career went downhill fast... Anyway...

The audience are once again booing as Vega just smiles and laughs, obviously getting amused by this hostile crowd, while Jack just looks on in seemingly sheer disappointment.

Vega: Jack, old buddy old pal. How are you man? You fine? Good? All well and dandy?

Jack: Cut your crap, Andersen. No-one wants to hear what you have to say, you brought your weapon, you're evidently here for a fight, let's save these people some time and get to it!

The ever gutsy Jack Rogue receives a loud ovation from the audience, who obviously wants to see Jack beat the hell out of Vega.

Vega:
Yeah, that's not gonna happen right now. But if you want to be all serious, then I'll be serious. I didn't attack you last week because you're an easy target, because your not. Why on earth would I have brought you into TWF if I thought that you were a joke? I know you're good Jack, that's not why I attacked you. I attacked you because of them.

Vega points to the audience, again getting a reaction in return.

Vega: Jack, you say that I turned on these people? Nah. These people turned on me. In my last few months in TWF before my temporary retirement, I was going through some well documented tough times and all that culminated in taking two After Scats onto a ladder at Wrestlemania, which put me in a position where I couldn't compete anymore. I was down. I was out. And where were these people, who were suppose to be my adoring fans? Oh, I know. They moved on, just like that. They went and found someone else to leach onto. You! These people turned their backs on me... For you. That's why I attacked you Jack. I attacked you to spite them.

Vega:
Not only that Jack, but I attacked you because, like you said, you were my friend. And just like them, you turned your back on me. You're just like them. That's why they cheer you Jack! That's why you're so beloved. Because you, like them... Are pathetic. Yes, I attacked an innocent Alice Xander. He did nothing wrong to me. I attacked him because of them. Them! And because he was an embarrassment to the sport that I loved. That I damn near gave my life to! You. Him. Guys like you are the reason that this industry is dying!...

Vega could probably go on forever, but Jack can't listen to this forever, and so he interrupts his once good friend and mentor.

Geek, your turn.


Jack: Is that the best that the famed Andersen Vega can come up with? He, who ruthlessly undermined the tyrannical Ian Jaxs for weeks on end, can now only think of a five year old's insult to express his disdain for his former protege? Oh, Andersen, what did your absence do to you, man?

*Rogue throws himself into the ropes in anger, and lands with one leg over the top rope and the other stood on the middle rope inside the ring. From this position, he leans forward towards Vega and shouts into his microphone*


Jack: Pathetic? Pathetic, really? Says he who calls himself "King of this world", and then makes his glorious return to the ring he believes he can dominate, by blindsiding two fellow wrestlers with a weapon - one of whom was severely concussed, and the other who had just wrestled an entire match? You're gonna call ME pathetic, Andersen? It just doesn't get MORE hypocritical!

*Rogue jumps down from the ropes back into the ring and begins to walk quickly across and around it, pointing into the stands, to the crowd's delight*


Jack: And as for these people, people like those here tonight are the lifeblood of this country and the salt of this Earth, not to mention the only reason this business ever has existed or ever will! This business is the furthest thing from dying, and the fact that you've been unable to be a part of that success doesn't change it. I will not have you disparage these people, and definitely not from that comfy distance. If you're going to discredit them, you will damn well do it to the face of the man who will fight for them until his last breath!

*By now the cheering and chanting for Jack is deafening - but as he stops still and puts the mic back to his mouth the arena falls near silent*

Jack: One more thing. These people never turned their back on you - had you come back as you left I know for a fact they'd have welcomed you. But you didn't because you're scared that you're not the same wrestler you were, and because you think you'll never have the love people like me do. And I didn't turn my back on you either, I stuck up for you to people who thought you'd quit altogether, taken the coward's way out. People who said you didn't love the wrestling business anymore. And now I see they were right. Or were they? Were they, Andersen? You tell me, you show me. Come down here and prove you can still go, Vega!

Vega: Oh my god, Jack... How stupid do you think I am, huh?

Jack: Very. Now get your ass down here!

The crowd once again cheers Jack.


Vega: Jack, that's not gonna happen. Not on your terms. Why on earth would I walk down to that ring to fight you? I've got a 15 minute Iron Man match to get ready for... Now, despite the fact that if I came down to that ring, I'd leave you lying there with your brains dribbling out of your ears, just like I did to Alice Xander... I'd be stupid for doing so because I could get hurt in the process so again, that's not happening. But Jack, you want to know if I can still "go"? Well, watch my match later tonight. Because for 15 minutes, I'm going to decimate Chris Parks and become the WWEF Iron Man Champion! And after I've done that... Well, I guess you'll have to wait and see what'll happen next. Hasta pronto, amigo!

Vega smugly waves his hand at Jack before walking backstage, leaving Jack in the ring as the show cuts to a commercial break.

END OF SEGMENT
 

Ginothony Bamtano

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Are you seriously going to go out there and talk about being undefeated? You lost agains-

No I didn't. I don't know what you're talking about but I'm sure its something that never happened.

Oh, okay. Let me know when you're done being delusional.

I will!

The on-stage pyro suddenly explodes, signalling that the arrival of Joseph Diamond is just 22 seconds away. Exciting stuff.



Joseph Diamond:
Now let me start by saying I told you so. None of you believed I could pull it off, Patrick Young sure didn't. But last week, right in this very ring I showed resiliency never seen before when I kicked out of not ONE, not TWO, not THREE, not FOUR, but FIVE match-ending maneuvers. It took just two Diamond Twists and and two Black Diamonds, and one extremely well placed Diamond in the Rough for The Scatman to be dispelled, netting me a victory in my first match on Precision, making me 1-0. Undefeated. Now this didn't come as a surprise to me, my wife or my two daughters, but for some reason all of you seemed to write me off. No one thought that Joseph Diamond could come out here and beat someone, who, has yet to win a match anywhere. It's absurd to me. But the past is the past. I forgive you for doubting me. It's not your fault, you didn't know better. You should've. But you didn't. I understand.

But with my first victory behind me, I needed to ask myself "what is next for Joseph Diamond", and then I checked the match card. And it turns out, what is next for me, is Jackson Rogue. And I actually have to ask you something, Jack. After failing to capture the Iron Man Championship against Anderson Vega last week, where do you get the ego, the gall, the NERVE to sign off on a match against the Diamond Standard, the Old Prince, the Diamond in the Rough, Joseph Diamond? How can you step into this ring and go face-to-face with myself and think that you have any chance of getting past me? Jack. I am not playing around when I say, I will destroy you, I will leave you tattered in this very ring, to the point where you don't want to show up for Summerslam, you won't want to turn up for Precision ever again, you won't be able to show your face around here because you will get beaten so spectacularly that you will forever be no longer be Jack Rogue, you will simply be known as "Joseph Diamond's second victim". And while that does definitely roll off the tongue, I will take no pleasure in ruining your career. Jack, if you come out here, I will destroy you. And not because I have a problem with you, not because it's anything personal. It's because you're in my way. You're a deer in the middle of the road, I don't want to run you over, but if you don't get out of my way, I'll have no choice but to run you over.

And when you feel the full effects of a 24 Karat Facebuster, a Diamond in the Rough, a Black Diamond, a Diamond Twist, and one more Diamond in the Rough, just for good measure, and you physically cannot get up before the ref's hand strikes the mat for the third time in three seconds, and then you're left laying on the mat, looking up at the lights, and your ears are filled with your fans chanting for me, you will realize, that you have nothing. That is your future if you come out here. I will make an example out of you, I will send a message to the Iron Man Champion, the European Champion, and a more direct message to the Undisputed Champion. And I won't stop there, I'll send a message to Tyson Blade, I'll send a message to THE Blade, I'll send a message to whoever the fuck Victor Sokolov is, I'll send a message to every one of your adoring fans. And it will read "Joseph Diamond has arrived, get out of my way or be dealt with." You know why, Jack? Because you are a temporary obstacle, but Diamond. Diamond is forever.

What'll it be, Jack?
Jack Rogue's theme hits.
....Wrong choice.
As Jack Rogue makes his entrance, Diamond tosses the mic out of the ring, throws his Diamond is Forever shirt (available now on shop.precision.com) into the audience, causing a mini-scuffle between two drunk fans, he then throws his overly-douchey sunglasses into the audience as well, hitting a small child. He takes his scarf, and places it neatly by ringside.

GOOD PROMO CiV! 10/10! I LOVED IT!
 
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Voin

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*Karl Senn makes his way to the ring with his signature NWO titled T-Shirt while smiling all the way down. He enters the ring and walks right past Scorpio not even paying a little bit of attention to him. He grabs one of the mics and walks over to one of the corners of the ring. He begins to speak*

Karl Senn: Can we get the audience some pillows? Maybe a blanket and a bed to go with that? You're making us all tired with your boring serious voice. I mean, can you act a bit more happy for once? You don't need to a miserable shit to get these people to hear you. And also, why are these people giving a damn anyway? I'm hearing cheers for this piece of dog trash. You're all giving him the right to continue his pathetic little rant about going to the dark places. Mate, I've been to dark places. I probably been to more dark places than you have in your whole life. Acting like you won't be able to come back from your dark place and shit like that is just funny to me. What dark place have you been to other than sleeping at night? It's really weird to me, but let's face it, you have always been weird to me.

*Karl Senn begins to walk to the middle of the ring*

Karl Senn: Are you still going on about beating me that one time? Trust me, it wasn't because you were better than me. I lost that night because I lost my drive to compete in a wrestling ring. I was leaving anyway, but you just pinned someone who was already down for the count. There's nothing special in that, and deep down you know that as well. I mean, what have you done that's so great? I kind of remember the NWO beating the living shit out of you many times before. I mean, you won the Survival title! Oh wait, you beat Awesome Mike for that? That guy is a bigger nutcase than you. He's going on about just wanting fun and all that crap. You can't have fun in this wrestling ring. This ring is just for battles and wars. Having blood running down from your face because you've been beaten so much isn't fun. How about you ask for matches with the likes of CRASH and Awesome Mike since they are the only guys you will beat. You have no chance with top tier talent since you're lower tier at best.

*Karl Seen arrogantly walks directly to Scorpio. Both men are staring at each other face to face*

Karl Senn: Man, it's really sad to see you like this. You're looking for that one moment in your life when you achieved something great, but you now know it was fluke just like you're a fluke. You're no monster or anything like that. You're just some guy from LA who likes to wear paint. To be honest You're just my....

*Karl Senn takes a few seconds as Scorpio looks on with anger.*

Karl Senn: BITCH!

*Karl Senn walks back to the other corner as Scorpio begins to the kick the turnbuckle. Karl Senn begins to speak sarcastically*

Karl Senn: Wow, don't get too mad. You might go to your dark place and be locked there forever.
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Geek773

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Good work @Voin. Well written and gives a good sense of Senn and who he is, etc.
 

Ginothony Bamtano

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I liked it. Probably shorter than most promos
I disagree with calling it short. Most promos are about that length, especially league wise. I can count maybe seven promos since 2k15 that exceeded 1500 words, and those were still a rarity.

@Voin I dug the promo. I can buy your character as an asshole, lol.