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World Champion's Tournament - The Finals Live from the O2 Arena - London, England
Our Special Guest Host for tonight's proceedings... none other than Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson! Boris stumbles and racisms his way through an opening promo that insults both the Americans and the Russians taking place in the semis. He then introduces the participants, Dezmond Xavier and Nikita Koloff... who both stare each other down... before ATTACKING BORIS! A Jocay-le Kick right to the mush followed by a Russian Sickle sends him outside, to the collective delight of the crowd.
World Champion's Tournament Semi-Final - Nikita Koloff (Grim) vs. Dezmond Xavier (Blaze)
A straight-up match of power and speed to start us off, and one the fans are hot for. Dez gets an early lead by outpacing this big, lumbering Russian, and even gets a few pinfall attempts that last for two... but with a few powerful slams about 10 minutes in, Nikita Koloff is in control. Eventually, he lands a big Sickle, but refuses to pin his opponent.... instead, he kicks Dez to get up, waits in the corner, and NAILS HIM WITH ANOTHER! This could still be an all-Russian final, and even if it isn't, how can Screech possibly get past this?! Winner: Nikita Koloff in 15:07. Rating: ****
After this match, Santino Marella is shown in the back, reading over the card. He wonders if it's a typo and he's teamed with his former Tag Team Championship-winning partner, Vladimir Kozlov... but sure enough, it's the Subpar Soviet Vladimir Koloff. Vladimir looks down upon Santino, before putting a hand on his shoulder and taking him away somewhere... "We have great use for you."
Scott Hall (Smark) vs. Big Bully Busick (Chris)
Big. Meaty. Men. Slapping. Meat. This is thankfully much more even than the Homeless Jimmy match, but the result remains the same. Scott Hall even manages to get up from a heart punch, rally, and hit the Outsider's Edge for a second consecutive win. After the match, Hall calls out Homeless Jimmy, and Jimmy runs to the ring... only to get caught and be on the receiving end of an Edge on to Busick's prone body. Winner: Scott Hall in 8:28. Rating: ***1/4
Bo and Bisch are out first to begin their tag match, and Bo has a theory as to why they weren't inserted into the tag team battle royal - the guys in the back didn't BO-LIEVE in them! And they promise to get the win tonight. Vladimir Koloff shows up and announces that he will not be teaming with Santino Marella tonight. Instead, you're getting someone bigger... better... more BOLSHEVIK! The man who comes out... well, that's Santino, but he looks like a totally different person! Ladies and gentlemen, the Russian Shooter, Boris Alexiev!
Garett Bischoff/Bo Dallas (Blaine/Blaine) vs. Vladimir Koloff/"Boris Alexiev" (Grim/Poyser)
Garett and "Boris" out first, and it's clear that the American son is outmatched by the raw wrestling skill of his opponent. This match is made up of a classic bit of tag team psychology, with the "Russian" team beating on Garett at every opportunity, and not quite giving him the opportunity to tag in his opponent. Eventually, it's "Boris" who makes the slip, letting Garett out of his grip after he receives some elbows. Bo Dallas tags in and he's on fire, able to beat up both men just from being fresh. Rolling the Dice on "Boris" finishes it. After the match, Vladimir Koloff is yelling and pushing his partner around... until a sock falls out of his singlet... "Boris" stares at the sock... and he's starting to become himself again. He's putting on the sock... COBRA!! COBRA TO VLADIMIR!! SANTINO'S THERE AFTER ALL!! Winner: Bischoff/Dallas in 10:35. Rating: ***
We get an interview with Krusher Kruschev where he constantly talks up how he is the very best, and Russia number one, and he will beat degenerate bourgeois American actor. He then breaks into his terrible rendition of the Soviet anthem, until he's attacked from behind by Dave Sullivan! Seems he got sensory overload from that awful singing! The resulting brawl leaves Kruschev standing, but both men worse for wear going into the second semi...
World Champion's Tournament Semi-Final - Krusher Kruschev (Grim) vs. Dustin "Screech" Diamond (KIF)
The benefit of being so deep into the tournament: having actual decent wrestlers who can carry Dustin to a decent match. And decent it is. The outmatched actor tries to bring down his opponent, who has of course recently been attacked, but he's just not that touch, and can't get the pinfall at first. However, a tired Krusher can't quite get the win either. In a fairly desperate move, he rolls out of the ring, takes the ring bell, and brings it into the ring... where he SMASHES DUSTIN DIAMOND OVER THE HEAD WITH IT! Referee calls for the DQ! Screech has literally been Saved By The Bell... but what state will it leave him in for the final? Winner: Dustin "Screech" Diamond by disqualification in 13:11. Rating: ***1/4
Dave Sullivan is rather beaten up in the back. "Okay, I did what you wanted..." It's revealed that The Million Dollar Man paid for the simple-minded man to weaken the Russian ahead of his semi! But just when you think Ted's a face... he reveals he's paid an even bigger man even more to attack the attacker! A masked colossus grabs Dave Sullivan, smashes him against the wall, and leaves him bloodied.
Ted DiBiase (Poyser) vs. The Blue Meanie (Juice) vs. Dave Sullivan (Chris) vs. Baron Corbin (KIF)
This match starts out as a three-way, with Dave Sullivan not judged able to compete yet. He's still staggering in the back, but he doesn't make it out before the opening bell. DiBiase and Corbin are the main heavy hitters here, slapping each other around, doing most of the power moves, and smashing away Meanie whenever he dares to assert himself. Eventually DiBiase has Corbin in the Million Dollar Dream, and he's fading... and fading... and fading... but DAVE SULLIVAN FINALLY MANAGES TO STAGGER HIS WAY TO THE RING! Just before the referee can drop Corbin's arm a third time, Dave decks him in the face! No DQs in a fatal four-way! He then gets behind DiBiase, pulling him into the Bunny Hop Backbreaker, before dropping him and hitting a leg drop reminiscent of DiBiase's old nemesis. After that, he would get the pin... but he collapses, having expended the last of his energy. The Blue Meanie gets into the ring again, seeing four men prone on the floor, and takes his opportunity. He pins the unconscious Corbin, and the dazed ref can do nothing but count three! Winner: The Blue Meanie in 19:59. Rating: ****
Terry Taylor (Chris) vs. Jake Something (EC)
Time for a neat little cooldown match, huh? Taylor is tasked with taking on this newcomer to the company, who delights the crowd by mocking him with Red Rooster references. It looks like Jake's about to take the win with a running powerslam, but Taylor fights his way out of it and grounds his opponent. He then locks in a Rooster Wing Lock and Jake has no choice but to quit! Winner: Terry Taylor in 9:32. Rating: ***
Before the Tag Team Battle Royal, we get a brief preview of all six tag teams taking part.
Tag Team Battle Royal for the inaugural S.H.I.T. World Tag Team Championship - D-X Wolfpac (X-Pac/Road Dogg) (Smark/Smark) vs. Blue World Order (Stevie Richards/Hollywood Nova) (Juice/Juice) vs. The Drunken Scholars (Hangman Adam Page/Damien Sandow) (Jeff/Blaine) vs. Big Thicc Boys (Bronson Reed/Calvin Tankman) (EC/EC) vs. Sami Zayn/Chris Bey (Jeff/Blaze) vs. Roddy Piper/Will Ospreay (Poyser/Jeff)
1. Bronson Reed, after ten of the men in the ring decide it would be best to band together and take out the "biggest" threat.
2. X-Pac, after a Buckshot Lariat from Adam Page.
3. Will Ospreay, after Sammy Guevara rushes in and drags him out! This gets him KO'd by a punch from Piper, but a message has been sent!
4. Nova, after a big reverse elbow from Road Dogg.
5. Road Dogg, who is dumped over by Calvin Tankman after celebrating too hard. D-X Wolfpac eliminated.
6. Calvin Tankman, after the remaining wrestlers once again mob up to tip him over. Big Thicc Boys eliminated.
7. Chris Bey, after trying to go for a Beymouser on Piper, being caught right out of the air, and tossed out.
8. Stevie Richards, after missing a Stevie Kick, being crotched on the ropes, and sent over by Sami Zayn. Blue World Order eliminated.
9. Roddy Piper, after eating a Buckshot Lariat. Roddy Piper/Will Ospreay eliminated.
10. Damien Sandow, after an attempted Buckshot Lariat -> Elbow of Disdain combo leads to Sami Zayn ducking and Page knocking Sandow out instead!
11. Hangman Adam Page, who looks horrified at having eliminated his partner, exactly the opening Sami needs to dropkick him out! The Drunken Scholars eliminated.
So yeah. First ever title holders! Winner and NEW S.H.I.T. World Tag Team Champions: Sami Zayn/Chris Bey in 20:41. Rating: ****
World Champion's Tournament Final for the inaugural S.H.I.T. World Championship - Nikita Koloff (Grim) vs. Dustin "Screech" Diamond (KIF)
Dustin comes out with his head bandaged, versus a seemingly-clean Koloff... yep, he's screwed. The big bad Russian toys with his opponent, hitting power move after power move, never even going for the pin. It is academic. Sickle one... Sickle two... Sickle three... "Make it stop" chants, for fear of Dustin's safety. It takes all of ten minutes for a pin attempt... BUT SOMEHOW, FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, DUSTIN KICKS OUT! Koloff is shocked!! There's no way anyone could have survived that, much less an actor! He keeps going for Sickle-to-pin attempts, needing to put him away... but he still kicks out! Vladimir Koloff and Krusher Kruschev come out, trying to distract the referee so Koloff can go for illegal moves... BUT OUT COMES BORIS JOHNSON! The Prime Minister tells both interfering Koloffs that their work visas have been revoked, and a great group of hulking goons from the Home Office drag them away! Somehow, Boris gets a pop! Nikita Koloff is alone! And he's about to nail Dustin, who is teetering, with a final Sickle... until DUSTIN DUCKS AND HITS A SURPRISE HAYMAKER! He goes for the pin... 1... 2... 3!! DUSTIN DIAMOND, SOMEHOW, IS THE FIRST EVER S.H.I.T. WORLD CHAMPION!! Winner and NEW S.H.I.T. World Champion: Dustin "Screech" Diamond in 26:09. Rating: OH MY FUCKING GOD
Also Busick wants Homeless Jimmy at the next show for causing him more pain by coming out unnecessarily and getting himself razor's edged on top of Bully.
Maximum three, and no former world champions (so Penta is ineligible as a former Impact World Champion). As for Britt... everyone's kind of stuck to submitting men so far, are you sure you want to bring her in?
Maximum three, and no former world champions (so Penta is ineligible as a former Impact World Champion). As for Britt... everyone's kind of stuck to submitting men so far, are you sure you want to bring her in?
