Superstars Having International Tussles (yes it's another sim league)

[Poyser]

World Champion's Tournament - The Finals
Live from the O2 Arena - London, England

Our Special Guest Host for tonight's proceedings... none other than Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson! Boris stumbles and racisms his way through an opening promo that insults both the Americans and the Russians taking place in the semis. He then introduces the participants, Dezmond Xavier and Nikita Koloff... who both stare each other down... before ATTACKING BORIS! A Jocay-le Kick right to the mush followed by a Russian Sickle sends him outside, to the collective delight of the crowd.​

 

[Poyser]

Also I insist that you give the elbow of disdain it’s proper name thank you

 

[Sky]

Also I insist that you give the elbow of disdain it’s proper name thank you

The Latin name? It's a mistranslation from Google Translate that resulted from an incorrect spelling of "disdain". A real Intellectual Saviour would turn their nose up at it

 

[Poyser]

Looks like the host will be getting a CUBITO AEQUET soon in this one

 

[Sass]

If still avalible I would like to snag Johnny Gargano, Alex Shelley and Test

 

[Sky]

Announcing a third championship, the S.H.I.T. High Energy Championship! This title will always be defended in fast-paced matches under No DQ rules. Over the next two shows, the participants for the first title match will be decided.

Spoiler: Coming soon...

Thou Shall Not Fear
Live from the FedExForum - Memphis, TN

S.H.I.T. World Championship - Dustin "Screech" Diamond (c) (KIF) vs. Scott Hall (Smark) - Special Referee: Garett Bischoff

S.H.I.T. World Tag Team Championship - Sami Zayn/Chris Bey (c) (Jeff/Blaze) vs. The Drunken Scholars (Hangman Adam Page/Damien Sandow) (Jeff/Blaine)

S.H.I.T. High Energy Championship Qualifying Elimination Tag Team Match - Alex Shelley/Hollywood Nova/Santino Marella (Sass/Juice/Poyser) vs. Dezmond Xavier/X-Pac/Vladimir Koloff (Blaze/Smark/Grim)

Roddy Piper/Will Ospreay (Poyser/Jeff) vs. Sammy Guevara/??? (Blaze/?)

Cigar on a Pole match (first to get the cigar, light it, and burn his opponent with it wins) - Big Bully Busick (Chris) vs. Homeless Jimmy (KIF)

Bo Dallas (Blaine) vs. ??? (?)

Test/Johnny Gargano (Sass/Sass) vs. Big Thicc Boys (Bronson Reed/Calvin Tankman) (EC/EC)

Nikita Koloff/Krusher Kruschev (Grim/Grim) vs. 2 Masked Representatives of the UK Home Office​

(Let me know if I've left you with no guys on the card by accident, I'll try to slot you in)​

 

[TOP GUY TIME]

Garrett Bischoff has requested to be the Special Guest Referee for the S.H.!.T World Title

 

[Chris]

Big Bully Busick has requested that his match against Homeless Jimmy be a cigar match...first person to burn their opponent with a lit cigar wins

 

[Sky]

Big Bully Busick has requested that his match against Homeless Jimmy be a cigar match...first person to burn their opponent with a lit cigar wins

I'll do you one better

 

[Sky]

Announcement

Due to very avoidable circumstances, MJF, Wardlow, and Luchasaurus have all been fired. A new opponent will be found for Bo Dallas in due course.

 

[CakeWalker]

I think the Blue World Order are currently selling hot dog in the stands during the show

 

[Sky]

I think the Blue World Order are currently selling hot dog in the stands during the show

Ooh nice, I'll work that in

 

[Bobby Barrows]

 

[Sky]

As decided by the SHIT Committee, Bo Dallas' next opponent will be Jake Something

 

[Sky]

Thou Shall Not Fear
Live from the FedExForum - Memphis, TN

S.H.I.T. High Energy Championship Qualifying Elimination Tag Team Match - Alex Shelley/Hollywood Nova/Santino Marella (Sass/Juice/Poyser) vs. Dezmond Xavier/X-Pac/Vladimir Koloff (Blaze/Smark/Grim)
Kick us off with something fast-paced and... well... high energy, to see the first three who will go through to the final six-way in two shows' time. Already, it doesn't start off well, as X-Pac is eliminated within the span of a few minutes by Nova, who uses a Novacaine and then an over-egged leg drop to take him out. Eliminated: X-Pac in 4:17.
Dez immediately steps in to rough up Nova, and for the next five minutes or so, he and Koloff switch in and out, wearing him down and denying him a tag. Koloff almost gets into a scrape in the midst of the final exchange, but manages to finish it with a German Russian Suplex... Eliminated: Hollywood Nova in 9:23.
... before walking straight in to a high knee by Alex Shelley. Eliminated: Vladimir Koloff in 9:41.
Dez is once again forced to step in as 1 against 2, and Shelley and he get into some fast-paced brawling before Shelley tags in Santino. Santino gets the upper hand by comedic chicanery, and sets up for a Cobra strike... but gets NAILED by a Jocay-le Kick and is sent outside! Shelley jumps in, and this is the meat of the match. Two high flyers flying high. Dez gets the pin after a Final Flash. Eliminated: Alex Shelley in 16:54.
Dez thinks he's won, but in a manner reminiscent of the Royal Rumble 2011, Santino jump in and reminds us he's still in the match. But what does it matter who's in the match? Vladimir Koloff comes right back, kicks Santino in the plums, and leaves him to Dez's mercy. Eliminated: Santino Marella in 19:19.
Winner: Dezmond Xavier/X-Pac/Vladimir Koloff in 19:19. Rating: ****

Test/Johnny Gargano (Sass/Sass) vs. Big Thicc Boys (Bronson Reed/Calvin Tankman) (EC/EC)
What's the perfect contrast to small, fast boys? BIG MEATY MEN SLAPPING MEAT! Oh, and Johnny Gargano, who is probably playing Ricky Morton here given the massive size disadvantage. He eventually gets a hot tag to Test, who cleans house, ploughing down both men with big boots... but just a big boot can't keep a Big Thicc Boy down! Tankman not only kicks out, but rolls Test over. Test kicks out of this pin, but eats a TSUNAMI SPLASH from Bronson Reed! Tankman crawls over to finish it.
Winner: Big Thicc Boys in 10:58. Rating: ***1/2

Nikita Koloff/Krusher Kruschev (Grim/Grim) vs. 2 Masked Representatives of the UK Home Office
Cooldown jobber match. The Russians win, because of course the Russians win.
Winner: The Russians in 1:44. Rating: squash

Segment: After the match, the Russians promo on Boris Johnson and brag about how Putin gave him Brexit and power, and he can just as easily take power away. They're escorted away, kicking and yelling, by security, because we seriously do not want an international incident involving THREE countries. Or do we?

Bo Dallas (Blaine) vs. Jake Something (EC)
This is clearly not the opponent that Bo was expecting, He turtles himself down quite quickly, expecting Garett to pull him out and let him rest - but Garett can't do that, he's refereeing the main event! Bo just gets wrecked by this hoss, but when Jake goes for the pin, he keeps kicking out and getting rope breaks. Eventually he gets out of the ring and grabs a microphone. "See, to win, you've just gotta BO-LIEVE!" He rolls back in... and is immediately picked up and powerslammed for the three.
Winner: Jake Something in 7:13. Rating: ***1/4

Segment: Roddy Piper and Will Ospreay come out and promo on Sammy Guevara about how he's a loser who couldn't find a partner. Sammy comes out alone, but far too confident. "I don't need an official partner. I'll pick anyone out of the audience!" He points into the crowd and the spotlight settles on a red-capped hot dog vendor. Sammy beckons the hot dog vendor into the ring... who raises his head and removes his cap to reveal that he's Stevie Richards in disguise! He's even got blue gear on under his red uniform! This really is gonna be a tag match!

Roddy Piper/Will Ospreay (Poyser/Jeff) vs. Sammy Guevara/Stevie Richards (Blaze/Juice)
Piper and Stevie start in the ring, and already they're wearing each other down, between Piper's holds and Stevie's strikes. Everyone wants to be in this match, for the sake of their own pride, which is why the men currently in the ring refuse to tag in. They're doing the exhausted punch-each-other spot early, which should tell you the psychology of this match. Stevie musters up a Stevie Kick that knocks both of them back into their corners, after which each of their partners does a blind tag. It heats up from there, with the two younger and fitter halves of their tag teams working together beautifully. It makes you salivate for a solo match between these two. Ospreay tries to set up for the Storm Breaker, but Sammy fights out of it, delivering a falling DDT followed by a standing Shooting Star Press to win it!
Winner: Sammy Guevara/Stevie Richards in 17:28. Rating: this was effectively two singles matches, so... ***1/2 and ****1/2

Cigar on a Pole match - Big Bully Busick (Chris) vs. Homeless Jimmy (KIF)
One more match before the big ones. This is... well, it's a pole match between a perennial jobber and an XPW guy. They shamelessly use anything that's not the cigar to fuck each other up, before Homeless Jimmy climbs the pole and grabs the cigar like it's a needle of heroin. Only problem is... he doesn't have a light. Busick offers him a use of a lighter that he had... then sucker punches him, burns a spot into his forehead with the cigar, then leaves, chuckling to himself.
Winner: Big Bully Busick in 8:46. Rating: EXTREEEEME

S.H.I.T. World Tag Team Championship - Sami Zayn/Chris Bey (c) (Jeff/Blaze) vs. The Drunken Scholars (Hangman Adam Page/Damien Sandow) (Jeff/Blaine)
This looks like a really good match, doesn't it? So give them time to just go. Sami's a great wrestler, Hangman's a great wrestler, the other two can go too, so... Just fuck my shit up. Tag team classic, because God knows this show needs classics if Screech is in the main event. The finish is the most notable part. Bey is figuratively on the ropes and literally on the ground after a Terminus, and he gets up right into a Buckshot Lariat. The referee goes down to count... but SAMI RUNS IN AND PUNTS HIM RIGHT IN THE FACE! The referee is knocked out, and a second has to come out just to disqualify Zayn and Bey! They lose, but they retain.
Winner: The Drunken Scholars by disqualification in 21:32. Rating: ****3/4

Segment: Sandow makes it very clear that he is Incensed, Infuriated, and a bunch of other long words for angry that Zayn and Bey have gotten away with it. He promises a great surprise for the champions at the next show...

S.H.I.T. World Championship - Dustin "Screech" Diamond (c) (KIF) vs. Scott Hall (Smark) - Special Referee: Garett Bischoff
Not as chaotic a main event as you'd expect, with "Mr. Jackson James" repeatedly holding back Scott Hall from doing Bad Guy things. There would be a ref bump were it not for the fact that Garett's an actual wrestler, so he's impervious to being knocked out by slight nudges. Still, this is a slaughter, with one of the greatest never to be World Champion clashing with this actual actor. Scott Hall appears to be setting up for the Outsider's Edge at one point... but Screech pushes out, somehow! They brawl, and a lucky haymaker by Screech has Scott Hall reeling. He appears to be setting up for an inverted DDT to hurt the challenger... ROAD DOGG COMES RUNNING DOWN THE RAMP! Garett's dealing with Road Dogg so doesn't see the resulting pin, which goes for three, and more... did that really take out Scott Hall??? No, of course it didn't, as when Garett turns around, Hall reveals he was just resting by reversing the pin before even a one count! Somehow Screech stays alive. Another Road Dogg distraction means Garett's eyes aren't on the match... so he can't see SCOTT HALL HITTING HIM IN THE BALLS! The rest of the match is just two minutes of domination, with bulldogs and lariats followed by a killer Outsider's Edge that makes the result academic. Scott Hall is the new S.H.I.T. World Champion! Hall, Road Dogg, and X-Pac come together to celebrate in the middle of the ring!
Winner: Scott Hall in 13:02. Rating: NotLikeThis
​