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After the little conversation we were having last night about Wrestlemania 2, I decided to torture myself by sitting through the entire damn thing this morning. Here's my thoughts...
Before the show even begins we're in for a hilariously awful experience since Vince McMahon (in full megalomaniac mode no doubt) thought it would be a good idea to hold the show from three separate locations. Never mind the logistics, it just sounds plain dumb on paper and it didn't work out better in execution either. Anyhow, we get off to a pretty good start with the legendary Ray Charles doing America the Beautiful and then the fun begins as Vince McMahon introduces his co-host for New York, Susan St. James. Who is Susan St. James you may ask? Well she was on a horrible show called Kate & Allie, but was also the wife of Dick Ebersol, a dude who was good friends with Vince and the guy who helped bring Saturday Night's Main Event to NBC. To say she sucks on commentary would be being kind, so I'm just going to ignore her and hit the first match, which is...
Magnificent Muraco v. Paul Orndorff
Oh boy, where to start with this one? Well, Orndorff doing the classy move and making Chinese eyes towards Mr. Fuji is probably the best place I guess, since there isn't a whole hell of a lot of wrestling going on here. In fact, the only moves I noticed were a couple of bodyslams and a wristlock that Orndorff held onto for about two minutes. That's pretty much all we get too, since they quickly spill outside and get DQ'ed. Probably the worst 'Mania opener of all time. UGH
By the way, prior to that match there was a hilarious interview with Roddy Piper where he promises to never shave his head "like an Indian" and paint himself black. Obviously Piper rules, but I find it ironic that just four years later he did indeed paint half his body black for his match against Bad News Brown at Wrestlemania VI. What a hypocrite! I bring this up because post-Orndorff/Muraco, Mr. T retorts and says something about jibber jabber but it just sounds like "FOOL FOOL FOOL" to me. However, this pleasant diversion is over because it's time for...
Intercontinental Title Match: Randy Savage v. George Steele
Major stalling to start this match but you really can't blame Savage because hey, Steele's an animal and all. They eventually lock up and then the best thing ever happens as they fight with a bouquet of flowers and Savage actually sells the beating! Now that's an awesome pro wrestler. Steele does his turnbuckle destruction and shoves some stuffing in Savage's mouth and he sells that too! However, Steele gets distracted by Elizabeth (because he was in love with her) and eats a Savage axe handle and the big elbow drop. 1...2...HOLY SHIT STEELE KICKS OUT, which I didn't think had EVER been done before Hogan did it at WM V, damn revisionist history. Savage gets Steele into the corner and uses a Ric Flair pin to get the cheesy win and retain the title. Savage selling the flowers and stuffing was fun so I'll go *1/2 and never speak of this again.
Mean Gene interviews Bill Fralic (football player) and Big John Studd, who argue about the upcoming Battle Royal while I go take a piss break. Studd crushes a football so he's pretty badass I guess.
George Welles v. Jake Roberts
Roberts is early in WWF at this point and Welles is an ex-football player turned wrestler. Guess what happens? Yep, not a whole hell of a lot outside of Welles hitting a shitty headscissors and powerslam. Eventually Roberts gets a knee lift and finishes with the DDT (which I believe is the only time he ever won with it at a Wrestlemania) and tosses Damien on Welles. This allows Welles to foam at the mouth while St. James freaks out in disgust, instantly qualifying it for best moment on the show so far...not a good sign. *
We see a recap of what led to the upcoming Mr. T/Roddy Piper match. Piper goads T into a fight but Orton nails him from behind and they beat him down. Seems like a good enough reason to let them fight so yeah, let them fight!
We now head over to Jesse Ventura who is interviewing Hulk Hogan about his main event match against King Kong Bundy. Ventura speculates Hogan's ribs are going to be a problem which makes sense because Bundy totally crushed them earlier in the year. Hogan says he'll fight through it and that the belt is for all the little Hulksters and that it stands for America. He also says that Ventura "goes down awful quick", which is definitely food for thought given what Jesse's wearing.
Prior to the fight, Joan Rivers comes out to introduce the guest judges and the entire world pretty much explodes into an 80's LSD trip. First up, basketball player Daryl Dawkins, next, noted drug-enthusiast and jazz musician, Cab Calloway and last, G. Gordon Liddy, lead burglar from Watergate and a dude with one serious moustache. Finally, Herb...from those annoying Burger King commercials in the 80's, is your guest timekeeper. I've officially been rendered insane from seeing this collection of talent, so I guess I'm ready to watch a worked boxing match.
Boxing Match: Roddy Piper vs. Mr. T
They meet in the middle and the ref gives his instructions. Piper talks shit to T this entire time, which just shows how awesome he was. Some jabs from T during the start and Piper takes the opportunity to throw some cheap shots when the ref is distracted. The bell rings but they're still going at it and finally they get broken up. During the first break, T drinks from what looks like a penis-shaped water bottle (seriously) while Piper taunts him in the corner.
Round two gets underway but the ref has to stop the fight because Piper has grease all over his face. Seriously. Once they get going Piper starts pounding on T before T gets a quick reversal. The ref breaks it up though and then Piper takes control, beating the shit out of T for about a minute straight before finally knocking him down. T takes the count to seven and gets up but Piper continues the shots until the bell and gives T a shove and a boot after it. During this break, Bob Orton comes over and throws water into T's corner while Susan St. James asks "what's the matter with those guys?" Well, honestly Susan, I don't know.
Third round is pretty much a complete reversal of the last, as T kicks Piper's ass but pretty much misses 50% of his worked punches. At this point I'm wondering what drugs Cab Calloway is on and whether or not G. Gordon Liddy is carrying a gun. Piper gets tossed out of the ring and when he gets back in T continues the beating until the end of the round. The round-card girl is pretty hot, which sucks that they didn't show her until now but Vince says its because the action was too intense. Yeah right. Anyhow, the fourth round starts and Piper tosses his stool at T. They trade some huge punches until Piper shoves the ref and bodyslams T for the DQ. Yep, a DQ in a worked boxing match...sweet! Honestly, it was entertaining for what it was, but I can't really rate it.
Vince throws us off to Chicago but first we get a commercial for the Wrestlemania 2 program ($6) and the t-shirt ($14) but the audio feed is messed up and there's two different overdubs so it feels liks you're on drugs while listening to it. We get some still photos of the previous matches including some from Muraco/Orndorff that seem to last longer than that match actually did. Vince is back and he introduces us to Gorilla Monsoon, guaranteeing this portion will be better than the last. Gene Okerlund is there as well and he hypes up the big battle royal later in the night. Gorilla introduces his guest commentator, Cathy Lee Crosby, who is not only in an 80's nightmare outfit, she's also at her first wrestling match...ever! Great choice for a commentator there Vince!
Women's Championship Match: Fabulous Moolah vs. Velvet McIntyre
Moolah does the hair snap mare move about 100 times (actually 3) to start before Velvet comes back with a dropkick and a slam. She misses a splash and almost comes out of her top but no such luck as Moolah runs over, makes the cover and wins. Yep, that's all she wrote. It appears McIntyre's foot was on the ropes but nobody seems to mention it so yeah, not sure what happened there. Either way, too short to rate.
Flag match: Corporal Kirschner v. Nikolai Volkoff
Volkoff does the Soviet national anthem to start before Kirschner comes out to some major applause. He immediately gets his ass kicked though and Volkoff even bites him for good measure. Classy Freddie Blassie is Volkoff's manager here and he takes the opportunity to talk shit to Kirschner on the outside. Kirschner gets back in the ring and beats up Volkoff and then grabs the cane that Blassie tries to throw in and uses it for the win. So the American beat the Russian by cheating and the CROWD GOES WILD!!! I'll say it was * and move on.
20 Man Battle Royal
Before we start, we get to meet the guest timekeeper, and its the "Where's the Beef?" lady, which now makes two fast food joints that have had guest timekeeper's on this show. I wonder if Ronald McDonald will be the third? The participants here are Jimbo Covert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Danny Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Haku), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, Jim Brunzell, Brian Blair, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino (big pop), William "the Refrigerator" Perry (bigger pop) and Andre the Giant (equal to Perry's). Hillbilly Jim totally looks like one of the Robertson clan from "Duck Dynasty" while I'm also loving the fact that we may get a chance to see the Iron Shiek humble B. Brian Blair. It's a battle royal and its the 80's, so I'd put my money on Andre even if I didn't already know the outcome.
Yep, Andre won. Some other highlights included Andre and Studd beating on each other in the corner, Ted Arcidi being awful, Shiek not quite humbling Blair but eliminating him, Perry doing a Hulk Hogan to eliminate Studd later on, the Hart's heeling it up and making the final four and that's about it. I wouldn't rate a battle royal, but this was fairly fun stuff if you grew up during this time. After this there's another Piper interview where he's typically hilarious before Mean Gene interviews some of the participants from the battle royal.
Tag Team Championship Match: The Dream Team vs. The British Bulldogs
The Bulldogs have not only Captain Lou Albano in their corner, but also Ozzy Osbourne, looking as coked up as can be and wearing a pink suit..what a guy! Monsoon asks what Ozzy's going to do for the Bulldogs and I say "hold the coke" but Mean Gene comes up with an even worse answer by simply saying Ozzy is from Manchester! Anyhow, I seem to recall these two having a pretty good match on SNME V so I'm hoping for more of the same. Davey Boy and Valentine start but Dynamite gets in eventually and just kicks some major ass. Holy crap DK was incredibly good at this stage and I still think nobody has ever done a snap suplex as well as he did. Hammer is getting a pretty good whipping at this point and, as if on queue, he heads out for a breather.
Back in and Valentine hits some nice forearms and then takes control after Davey messes up a move in the corner. Hammer tags in Beefcake which means I can stop paying attention for a few seconds. Luckily Dynamite tags in and kicks the crap out of Beefcake for a bit, which makes me a very happy Fuji. Meanwhile, over on commentary, Cathy Lee Crosby is totally contradicting herself by saying this is actually her first LIVE wrestling match as I wonder exactly why this moron was paid money to be on the show? Anyhow, back in the ring, the Bulldogs get a nice double shoulderblock on Valentine but he kicks out. A pretty crazy moment happens when Davey tries a backflip into a hammerlock but Brutus slams him on his own arm...ouch! Hammer with a nice shoulderbreaker but does the stupid heel thing and picks Davey Boy up after a two...what a moron. Meanwhile, Dynamite is leaning in for the tag, so Davey Boy just whips Valentine's head into Dynamite's head, knocking his own partner out and covering for the 1..2...3. Great match and obviously the best thing on the show so far. ***1/4
After the match, Albano cuts a promo and apparently he's on more coke than Ozzy, though you can't really tell once Ozzy yells "BRITISH BULLDOGS FOREVER!!!!". Cathy Lee tries to congratulate him but he doesn't really give a shit and then the Bulldogs (well Davey, Dynamite is still in pain on the floor) come in and Davey says they're staying in the USA because, well just because. Gorilla says goodbye and sends us over to vince and Susan in New York who start to hype up the Los Angeles portion of the show. The insane audio fuck up commercial airs again and once more I feel like I'm on drugs. Not much else of note and Vince is here to send us to the LA Sports Arena.
Our commentators here are Jesse Venture, Lord Alfred Hayes and...Elvira! Yes, that's right folks, the mistress of the dark herself...hot damn this is already the best portion of the show and it hasn't even started yet! Elvira is pretty pumped up but Jesse snatches the mic away from her before she makes an idiot out of herself, pretty much solidifying his spot as one of the greatest human beings of all time.
Ricky Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez
Hercules has never done anything for me but Steamboat was capable of getting a good match out of anyone at this point so I shouldn't be surprised if it's at least decent. Hercules with some big time offense to start but Steamboat comes back with the chops and the classic armdrag. They trade some offense (Herc's is literally elbow after elbow plus one pretty good clothesline) until Hercules misses a splash. This allows Steamboat to go up and hit the flying bodypress for the win and put an end to another boring Hercules match. Yay. *3/4
There's some major technical difficulties after the match including missing part of a Hogan promo, but since he's just saying his usual schtick I'm sure it wasn't that important.
Adrian Adonis vs. Uncle Elmer
If there's one redeeming quality about this match, it's Adrian Adonis bumping like his life depends on it, really selling well for Elmer. In fact, it actually makes Elmer look like a contender, which is probably the only time that ever happened. Anyhow, long story short, Elmer misses a legdrop and Adonis hits a top rope splash (which Lord Alfred calls a "kind of headbutt") for the win. I'll be generous and give out * for Adrian's bumping. RIP.
We're back with the rest of that Hogan promo we missed before and yes, it's more Hogan propaganda so we'll skip it and move on to...
Terry & Dory Funk v. Junkyard Dog & Tito Santana
Terry's into it right away, shoving the poor ring announcer before he can even read off their names! I'm a big fan of all four of these guys so there's pretty much no way this match isn't going to rule. Dory (called Hoss here) starts with JYD but gets whipped into Terry before they both get bodyslammed in a pretty fun moment. The Funk's bail to the outside for a breather and when they come back in it's time for Terry and Tito to go at it. Funk gets the advantage but Santana whips him into the ropes and then clotheslines him over the top, causing Funk to get a little overselling in on the floor. Funk tries to mix it up with the fists against JVD but takes a shot to the face and then multiple turnbuckle smashes, which once again allows him to do his crazy selling. Good lord I love Terry Funk. JYD with the cover but Hoss breaks it up so JYD tosses Terry over the ropes to the CONCRETE FLOOR!!!
Back in the ring and Hoss takes advantage of Tito's position in the match as a face, beating him down, but Tito makes a comeback and hits the flying jalapeno. Terry comes in and makes the save and Tito is pissed so he drags Dory into the ring but catches a Terry knee to the back when he goes off the ropes, setting up the face in peril sequence. Jimmy Hart even gets a few shots in on the floor while he screams through his megaphone and I love it all. Terry and Hoss enjoy the advantage for a bit until Tito recovers and makes the hot tag to JYD as the crowd goes BONKERS!!! Double noggin' knocker for the Funks and a huge clothesline to Tarry before he tries to choke out JYD with some tape. JYD responds by back body dropping Terry OVER THE TOP ROPE TO THE CONCRETE FLOOR. He then BODY SLAMS TERRY FUNK ON THE RINGSIDE TABLE as the ref has lost total control. The end comes when Terry destroys JYD with Hart's megaphone while the ref is distracted and the Funk's steal a win. Awesome match and a real underrated 'Mania classic. ***3/4
Recap of the Hogan/Bundy feud which I'm sure you're all aware of. If not, the gist is that Bundy is a big dude who hurt Hogan so he's out for revenge and he's going to get it in a big blue steel cage. I often wonder how a company that had both Randy Savage and Roddy Piper as heels could have put Bundy in the main event here, I mean it just doesn't make any sense to me. Oh well, it is what it is and speaking of that, here we go....
WWF World Title Cage match: Hulk Hogan v. King Kong Bundy
Silver Spoons star Ricky Schroeder is the guest timekeeper, totally fucking up my Ronald McDonald prediction, while Tommy Lasorda is the announcer. Oh and the special guest referee? Robert Conrad. Unless you remember Wild, Wild West (the tv show, not the shitty movie), you probably don't know who that is, so we'll skip the bad jokes and move on. Bundy is as big as a brick shithouse here and now that I think about it, he scared the crap out of me as a kid so I'm starting to understand the reasoning behind having him in the match. Hogan's out next as the place seriously goes berserk while "Real American" plays. I don't care how many times I hear that, it's a fucking great theme song and it really fits Hogan well. Hogan's ribs are taped up, practically assuring that the tape will come into play at some point during the match.
There's a big donnybrook to start, which Hogan wins, and then he rocks Bundy with a big boot. Bundy chickens out and heads for the door but Hogan is back and chokes him with his own tights...nice! Hogan with a big chop and then a clothesline in the corner as he's just manhandling Bundy. However, Bundy gets a rib shot in and Hogan goes down, allowing him to take over and beat the poor Hulkster as the crowd voices its displeasure. The Hogan formula pretty much takes over from here as he gets beat down, then no sells a bunch of Bundy's shit and climbs out of the cage for the win. I would have recapped it more, but if you've seen one Hogan match from this time period, you've pretty much seen 'em all. *1/2
So, all in all it was a pretty bad affair, with only two matches really being worthwhile. Still, the boxing match is a bit of a curiosity piece and the battle royal wasn't half bad...it's just everything else that stinks. Overall, not great, but I don't think it's the worst 'Mania of all time, just one of them.
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: You're right about the star power not being amazing, but it was the undercard so that's no big deal.