UWF Unforgiven: United States Title: Shark Boy(c) Vs Willow Vs Bad News Barrett Vs Sami Callihan

[Sam]

The crowd in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania are on their feet, they can't wait for the next big happening on this Unforgiven pre-show, it's then that they hear a now familiar voice over the PA system.

"The following is brought to you by The C.U.N.T."

Ted Nugent's 'Stranglehold' plays over the PA system and as the song kicks into gear our three favourite wrestlers appear from behind the curtain. Shark Boy has his United States Championship wrapped around his waist. Grado is doing some air guitar and dancing for the crowd before Paul Burchill comes swinging down from the side of the stage. All three men then meet in the middle and walk down the ramp as a unit. All three men enter the ring together and Grado and Burchill head to the corners as Shark Boy unstraps his US Title and holds it high in the air looking into the crowd who look back with delight. It's Shark Boy who takes to the microphone to begin.

Shark Boy: Let's cut to the chase, there's three sumbitches in the back who want this, the United States Championship. Now I really don't have time to go into why Paul Heyman's a slimy prick for putting Shark Boy in with the three biggest weirdo rejects on the damn roster. But what I do have time to talk about is how much this United States Championship means to Shark Boy. This US Title belt symbolises that Shark Boy is the best this country has to offer, the workhorse of the roster and I'm pretty damn sure it means that he's one step away from takin' that big leap up the roster to challenge for the World Title. But that's in the future, this is the present and right now I'm thinkin' about hangin' onto this belt for a good while. Antonio Cesaro held this belt for over two-hundred days, and if ya think Shark Boy's gon' let some damn 'Swiss Superman' have the record for this belt then ya best think again because that ain't gon' happen, EH-EH!

The crowd cheer Shark Boy remembering how much they hated Cesaro and also at the thought of Shark Boy having a long reign as champion.

No sir, Shark Boy's gon' be gunning for that damn record and with The C.U.N.T. behind him you know that he's gon' try his damnedest to do it. But at Unforgiven Shark Boy's goin' up against three guys who are gon' try their damnedest to derail Shark Boy and take his belt away. Well listen to me you three sorry sons of bitches, that ain't gonna happen. Here's what's gonna happen, Shark Boy's gonna take all of ya, one by one, stomp a mudhole in all y'alls basses, walk 'em dry and proceed to Chummer all of ya and make sure ya never get a chance at this belt again because Shark Boy's gon' whip yer basses so bad that you won't even ever want to toe to toe with Shark Boy again.

Shark Boy is full of fire as he continues.

First off, Willow!. This crazy sumbitch was my tag team partner on Smackdown one time and guess what, we lost the damn match!. Now that don't say much for Willow's capabilities in the ring, and I ain't gon' say he sucks 'cos he don't, he's an incredible athlete it's just sometimes ya gotta think... the hell is wrong with this cat?. First off, under that mask we all know who he is, he ain't foolin' nobody and there's only room for one bass whippin', smack talkin', mask wearin' bastard on the roster and that's already been taken up by my fine self. Now putting that tag match aside, Willow, you're a crazy cat, I don't know what yer plannin' on bringin' to the table in this match, but be assured of this, Shark Boy don't give two carps about what you're gon' throw at him 'cos Shark Boy's ready to throw 'em right back at ya, whip yer bass and make sure this prestigious belt don't end up in the hands of some lunatic in a mask pretending to be someone he's not!.

The crowd cheer for Shark Boy, there's a small selection of Willow supporters however who take to booing Shark Boy for a brief moment but Shark Boy, being the charming son of a bitch he is, has them back on side quickly.

Bad News Barrett... the same goes for you. Now I know you're gon' come out here on yer little podium hidin' up there like the little pussy-bass bitch you are but at Unforgiven you won't be able to hide behind no podium and ya certainly won't be able to hide on some damn platform. No sir, you won't be hidin' from nobody and when you come to that ring at Unforgiven, you ain't comin' to deliver bad news because Shark Boy's got some bad news waitin' for you in that ring at Unforgiven and it's in the form of a giant-bass can of bass whip bein' opened on yer silly English bass. And that's all Shark Boy's got to say about that!.

There's a now rampant Shark Boy chant reverberating around the arena as Shark Boy addresses his other opponent.

And then there's Sami Callihan, the sumbitch who pinned me on Smackdown. Now I'll be the first to give kudos to the bastard, he beat me in this very ring, but a tag team match with nothin' on the line is a very different animal compared to a fatal four way for my damn belt and if Sami Callihan thinks he's got the better of Shark Boy then he better think again. The fishin' line is this, Sami Callihan you beat me once, but that ain't gon' happen again and there's nothin' yer little Buddha-belly buddy Kevin Steen can do to stop me leavin' my footprint on yer damn bass and sendin' ya packin' with a Chummer. And it don't matter if Steen interferes, or even if Brodie Lee... wherever he is... interferes 'cos this night ain't gon' be your night, it ain't gon' be Willow's night and it certainly ain't gon' be Barrett's night... it's gon' be Shark Boy's night and there ain't nothin' anybody can do to stop that from happenin' and THAT'S THE FISHIN LIIIIINE... COS SHARK BOY---

Shark Boy is rudely interrupted by....
​

 

[Fauche]

"A History of Bad Men" cuts Shark Boy off and the capacity crowd immediately begins to boo. Sami Callihan walks out on to the stage, accompanied by Kevin Steen. The tandem casually approach the ring while the audience get their hate on an jeer the team incessantly. Callihan and Steen pay no attention to this however, focusing instead on the United States champion and his partners. Grabbing a set of mics from ringside, the duo climbs the apron and steps through the ropes, ready to get things going. The "New Horror" kicks things off.

Callihan: I see ropes, four of 'em. I see turnbuckles, four of those too. I see a canvas, makes the ring. Announce table, Spanish announce table cause its pay-per-view and I'm gonna need somewhere to stack the bodies. I look behind me, I see the titantron and all around me I see a crowd. Seems to me everything's just perfect, primed and ready for a wrestling match here tonight. How bout that? But, uh... hesitation. Something just doesn't fit. No, its not Kevin. He might not have a match tonight, but... it ain't him. At least he looks like he belongs here. Nah, I look and I see... I see that United States Championship title, reminds me why I'm here, but... but still. There's something ain't right. Cause in this ring, this most sacred of battle grounds, home of the most traditional, ancient and pure violence, we got us three damn clowns. Look like Spiderman badguys or something. I honestly... well I'm almost getting sick of saying it, but not as sick as I am of having to look at it. Man dresses like a fish, brings Steve the Pirate and the Pillsbury Doughboy's dumbass cousin out to watch his back. Just a sad, sad joke. And sure, for a little while, just a moment there, we all laughed along. Didn't know you three were gonna take it so serious, though. Didn't know you were gonna somehow find yourself in a title match and then win a belt, then taint it with your cartoon bullshit.

So here's me, here's Sami, honest Sami. Like I says, love me, hate me, just don't give a damn - I'm an honest man. I come out here, I never tell a lie. I don't just mean with this microphone neither, I mean with my violence. Yeah, I got a sincere hate in me, a true will to break and bleed any other man who might be dumb enough to get in here with me. Honesty. With each of you, though most of ya can't handle it - but also with myself. I got no illusions about what kind of man I am, what I'm doing or what I've done. Hell, how bout a little history? Me and Brodie Lee show up last fall, T.I.O.C., crusaders for the sake of original hardcore. Have us a Hardcore title match at Starrcade, and maybe I don't win, but I bet AJ Styles still has his scars from that one, Christ Masters too. Damn it if Carlito didn't get retired in that one. Fast forward a month and Brodie and me get us a tag match against the One Percenters in the most farfetched crazy ass match anybody ever seen. Once again, we come up short, but we spilled more blood that night then you folks have seen the rest of this year combined. And we kept losing, martyrs to our little hardcore cause. That is till Kevin here reminded me that I don't need to bleed for anyone's approval, and to hell with anyone who says otherwise. Reminded me that this is our ring, our company, our industry, cause we're the ones who fight for it. Reminded me that hypocrites, sycophants, phonies, playboys, hollywood types and especially clowns don't belong in here with us, taking TV time and opportunities away from men who really deserve them.

Now honestly, I feel like a bag of shit. I'm still sore from that tag title match. My arm still don't bend right, I'm still dizzy every time I stand up in the morning. I got ringing ears constantly from having to listen to these morons scream every night, and after years of no vacation my body is starting to break down. But damn it if I'm gonna show any quit before Kevin and me fix this problem for good. Damn it if I'm gonna take a night off if it means my spot is gonna get filled by a guy like Shark Boy here.

Historically, maybe Sami Callihan hasn't been too stellar in title matches in the UWF. Maybe I was trying to have too much fun, enjoying the big league a little too much. Star struck. Maybe, just maybe I was too distracted by all the shit in my life I didn't need, but that's taken care of. Whether it was that dead weight in Brodie Lee that Kevin Steen stomped through the ground, those thoughts of my mother I hard to leave knocked out in this ring, or the approval of your people I just threw in the gutter where it belongs, I got a lot less to worry about these days. For the first time in a long time, I'm thinking straight. And damn sure, I'm ready to win me a title in the UWF - to give this company a champion it can finally be proud of.

The crowd boos but is quickly cut off by Kevin Steen.

Steen: Traditionally guys come out here and they talk up their match, try and sell themselves as winners, as meaningful competitors worth a damn, and then run down their opponents. And that's cute. Sami and I though, we'd rather just get it done in the ring. After Unforgiven, when Sami is the United States Champion and everybody is too terrified to ask for a title shot, we're going to be going after those tag team belts too, I guarantee you that. But there are just a few things I wanted to get off my chest about these other two guys in the match,

See me, I kinda think fatal-four-ways are a joke. A cheap carnival theatric that only exists - like virtually every other "gimmick" match - to sell tickets to a bored, unimpressed audience. Matches like this started when the sons of proud, decent men inherited this industry and decided to pour out their egos all over it. Some fans, well at least the ones with self respect, they just walked away when shit like this started happening. But the unthinking majority stuck around, buying whatever they were sold and now it seems a weekly occurence to have some kind of ridiculous match to sit through. Like reality television, its just train wreck, sensationalistic bullshit designed to hold the attention of impatient, thoughtless fools. A guy like Sami Callihan, who has earned a chance for a one-on-one title shot, now has to deal with two other people just because this company, like almost every other one in this country, doesn't have a damn clue how to run a wrestling organization. Add that to our list of shit to fix.

So about these two other guys - Willow and Bad News Barrett. Well Willow is cut form the same shit-stained cloth as Shark Boy. That garbage doesn't belong in this sport, or even on TV. I refuse to let my son watch this show any more, because even though I'm on it and I am, of course, his hero, I don't want him to see thousands of people cheering on and supporting grown men who have to play dress up to feel good about themselves. That's a reality I refuse to accept or tolerate. As we all know, Jeff Hardy is an absolute mess and generally just a freaky guy. Now he's showing clear psychotic issues and the company hasn't puled this guy from the road and put him in a hospital? Just because they want to make a dime off the freakshow? That's disgusting, and I can't wait to see Sami here put him out of his misery.

As for Bad News Barrett, well, like I said before, we don't have much a of a problem with this guy. Our new, and greatly improved, general manager is doing what he can to get real talent the chances they deserve, and Barrett is a guy who could have a good future in this organization, provided Sami and I can save it before its too late. But tonight isn't his night, and as long as Sami is in the picture, the United States Championship will never be his. This is our time, and yeah, I hear you people booing, but guess what? All of this, all that we do, is for the greater good. You might be too selfish to see it, but we are paving a future that tomorrow's superstars will be proud to be a part of, and your sons and daughters won't be ashamed to call themselves fans.

Steen smiles and lowers his mic while the crowd boos and stuff.


----------
What would be cooler than everybody getting two tt's in? Only Johnny Bravo would be cooler than that.
​

 

[Andrew]

Instantly Wade Barrett comes from behind the curtain.

Bad News Barrett: ... Did someone say I'd have my podium tonight? Oh yes, it was poor little Shark Boy. Now tonight's quiet a different night because here I am prepared to allow you Americans to draw the attention to the 'Bearer of Bad News'. Tonight, we're in for a special edition! There's no podium, however I am going to still speak whilst I make my way to that very ring; but first I'll be addressing the man who believes wearing a mask is cool. Astonishing isn't it? That you people continue to play make-believe with each other, are you all going to draw on your face and some how have a horrible look on yourself? Those paperbags Cody Rhodes used to give you people wasn't such a bad idea; perhaps that should have still stuck but anyways... Shark Boy, how the hell are ya? Ya calling me a reject? A weirdo? Is that how it's going to be innit? When I look straight at you, I have to make sure my eyes aren't deceiving me because you. Yes you Shark Boy, you're the definition of a weirdo. It's not alright at all Shark Boy, it's not fine for you to come out here and exploit yourself with a pirate and a Scottish piss-head. Not to mention the hideous name you've given yourselves, the C.U.N.T; amazing innit? Let's cut to the chase, this mask of yours, this character of yours. Time after time after time I've had to continue to try get it in your little brain, now I'm not sure if you've got the memory of a goldfish but it sure seems like it. This whole character isn't you at all, you're just a pretender just like all these Americans. They're pretending the country's perfectly fine, they're all pretending that they can go on and be successful but when the country's crumbling like biscuits then we've got a real problem. A problem that might not have a solution at all; it's a real shame innit? But if you're the best this country has to offer, then I feel really sorry for the entire population of nincompoops; I would have expected better but such competition that comes my way shouldn't be hard to eliminate when I am a true fighter. A true servant of the United Kingdom!

The boo's come in heavily as Wade Barrett walks down the entrance ramp some more, as he steps into the ring.

Bad News Barrett: Honestly Shark Boy, if you think you're going to defeat Antonio Cesaro's record of having the longest reign then I'm afraid I've got SOME BAD NEWS! You can stomp a mudhole, you can deliver as many chummers as you want. But at the end of the day, I'll still be here standing because a fighter doesn't give up. A fighter can fall many, many times but a fighter can also get up to his feet and rise. You can knock me down 99 times, but I'll get back up 100 times. You bet your damn sea that I'll derail you and set you right off the track, or should I say make you walk the plank? It's quite amusing you didn't have many words to say to me, I know deep down you're afraid... I know inside you that you're afraid you wish you were at the bottom of Mariana's Trench; I know this is a true statement! But the fact you have to hide behind Paul Burchill and Grado really says something; you need two other people to help carry you... you have two other people trying to ensure that you walk away victorious because you're not a man. You're a phony character who doesn't know any better and that's why at Unforgiven, I'm going to deliver that bullhammer; I'm going to be the big bad shark in the ocean that hunts for little fish and yer you're that little fish. Now us British people sure love our Fish & Chips; so I guess I'm feeling a bit hungry and I do require some fish & chips alright? There's nothing you can do about that, I'm going to be wanting my damn feast!

Barrett looks to the right as Sami Callihan and Kevin Steen are standing there.

Bad News Barrett: Well, say it ain't so! Sami Callihan and his buddy Kevin Steen. The people that beats their own mother in order to grab that heel heat, quite depressing innit? Well unfortunately I've got SOME BAD NEWS! These two are no more than emo cuckoo's who should have stayed in the mental asylum, oh... I wasn't suppose to say that was I? We've already got some sort of Asylum happening, but I suppose you two could just as well join the psychopaths. But you're little pep talk was interesting nonetheless Sami, you come out here saying you can see four corners, a mat... well excuse my French, but NO SHIT SHERLOCK! This is a wrestling ring, what did you expect? A mattress, some grass and maybe some thumbtacks lying around because you've got the look of a Backyard Wrestler, something that Willow was once... I'll speak about that idiot later but Sami, Sami, Sami... you're nothing more than an indy reject who somehow slumped his way upon the streets and was brought into UWF. As I said, the management are absolutely clueless when I say they're bringing in some idiotic characters. How many times do I have to see fake wannabes around here? How many more stupid characters are we bringing in here? This whole place is in shambles! It's becoming like Nickelodeon or Disney! Quite frankly I couldn't care about you wanting to excite your violence upon everybody here, but it is quite sad that you've got something wrong in that mind of yours. Perhaps you were haunted as a child and your mind is just on repeat of a bad horror movie. Surprised you've not seen a psychologist yet Sami, after what you did to your poor mother... It's best that I take your mother home and make her a nice cup of tea. But why the hell are you letting Kevin speak? Kevin, you've got no part in a match like this and I'm afraid I've got some BAD NEWS!

You'll never accustom yourself to something this big, you're nothing more than a lackey. You're the Virgil around here; I understand you've competed in some Tag Team matches, but Tag Teams means absolutely nothing around here in UWF. Now let's get serious for a minute, you honestly think these fatal four way matches are stupid don't you? That's because you don't have the intelligence to provide a victory in these multi-man matches; this is where people get afraid... much like your autistic son Kevin. That's why you've paired up with Sami, because you're trying too hard to play the psychologist here but unfortunately it's something you're not. Like the rest of America, they all need a psychologist, the good news is... I'm no doctor so I'm not going to cure you all but I am going to cure everyone when I become the United States Champion and the reason you'll be cured is simply because I make this country better. I will bring in the lovely exports British has to offer; we can change this country much like Britain and maybe perhaps a Lord will become your new president shan't it be? I understand Sami and Kevin wanted to kiss my derriere and be supportive of me; simply knowing I have exactly what it takes to be a true champion in a business like Ultimate Wrestling Federation. Unlike the other two I've spoken about there is just one more idiot who has yet to come out here...

Bad News Barrett looks towards the titantron in hope Willow comes out.

Wade Barrett: Now would be a perfect time for Willow to come out, but once again I'm afraid I've got some BAD NEWS! Willow is trapped in the darkness, in the forest where he's been this entire time and has trouble finding the arena. Perhaps he's been caught on drug conviction and is in jail, either that or his house is on fire once again from cooking all that meth. I cannot hesitate seeing how many Americans constantly screw their lives up, the children of America's future is going astray because they're all wanting to dress up like Shark Boy or Willow; yet they're trying to adjust their attitude to the like of Sami Callihan. It's a real shame, to see the drug rate go up, the crime rates going up, the government turn into shambles and this country cannot save itself. I'm not here to save America, I'm here to ensure America continues to go down the drain whilst I laugh with gold around my waist. What I am going to do is head to Unforgiven, win that Championship and have a British celebration right here in America! Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's going to be a pleasant trip, thankyou for your time tonight and I'll see you all at Unforgiven, just remember... I don't need your forgiveness because you all need to clean up the mess you've left in the arena shoving all that food down your gullets whilst you've been listening to me! If you don't like what I've said tonight then
I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS! ​

 

[Tapout]

After the last words have been spoken, the lights in the arena turn off abruptly. The quiet, dark music starts to play out. The titantron blares to live and shows many broken images of a dead and decaying forest. Melting snow covers the dead ground. The images flashes to many other views of the woods but it finally settles inside of a run down shake hidden in the woods. Standing with his side facing the camera inside the house is Willow. His body doesn’t move but his words start to play out over the music.

Willow

Silence. Can you hear it? Can you hear them? The souls of the lost whispering. They call us out by name. They know us. They know of our past. And of our future. They show me images of what is to come. They show me images of what I will do...of what destruction I will cause. The madness that lies in my very soul. I am not a monster. They yell at me though. They tell me I am a monster. A fiend. A DEMON! A demon...but I am not a demon. Willow is the light and Willow is the savior. Follow me! This world is full of hate and lies and we have all caused it. We all did what THEY wanted us to. We brought our own downfall and now it is too late to save yourself. Let me save you. Let me be the voice that guides you through the night. Let me be the light in the darkness.

Willow lets out his famous jackal like laugh.

Willow

Sharkboy...There is no method to my madness.You can call me crazy. Call me deranged. But I know the truth. I am free. I AM FREE! Free...the only one who is truly free. The chains that hold everyones heart do not weigh down Willow. You don’t know what I am capable of because I don’t know either. No one knows. That is the mystery of life. We hate. We live. We die. That is Willows Way. We are all apart of this beautifully ugly game. We all play roles and we all are pawns. On a battlefield waiting to die. We are nothing more than bags of bone and skin...and flesh. I can see the end. I can see where this all game ends. And it doesn’t end pretty. Nothing in life is pretty.

The images cut a few more times before returning to Willow

Willow

Sami...You are a scared little man. You hide behind these creatures that you call friends. I am sorry for you Sami. You have been lost. You have done just what they want you to do. You’ve given in and you’ve allowed others to live your life instead of being free like Willow. Don’t think for one second that you are a dark soul. I am a tortured man. Through hate I have risen. Through darkness I have learned to walk. Through endless pain I have learned to love. There is so much hate in this world. Can you hear them!? Can you hear the cries of the angels? It’s too late..Sami. We were born dead. Born dying. A time stamped on our arms to be a forever mark of our ultimate demise.

Willow extends the umbrella over his shoulder to the camera and opens it, slowly spinning it.

Willow

And to the man who likes to be the harbinger of bad news let me enlighten you. I am the bad news. I am the sign that all things are to fall. I am the light that will open the eyes of the brainwashed people letting them know the end is really upon us. Its time to get on your knees and pray for forgiveness for I will be the decider that will bring death or salvation. Follow me. Time is running low. You don't know what bad news is. You don't know what true pain and suffering is...but you will soon. Time is running low. Head the Willows Whisper!

The camera zooms in on Willows face.

Willow

Tick tock...tick tock...tick tock...tick tock…

His words echo around the arena has the titan tron dies and the music stops. The lights kick on again leaving the arena in it's normal state.​