UWF Smackdown Shark Boy vs Callihan

[Fauche]

"A History of Bad Men" blasts through the PA in the sold out arena. Now recognizing this the anthem of the dastardly T.I.O.C., the crowds immediately starts to boo and jeer. Sami Callihan and Kevin Steen walk out on to the ramp, eyes dead set on the ring ahead with no head paid to the antagonism of the thousands in attendance. The tandem quickly finds their way to the ring. Grabbing a pair of mics from the monkey at ringside, Sami passes one to Steen before raising his own to address the people. Steen cuts him off however, insisting he start things off...

Steen: Wait wait wait, hold on just a second there man. I'm going to kick this one off if you don't mind. Cool? Cool. Great. So, uh, just wondering... how many people here tonight watched Smackdown this past week? Who saw it? Anyone? Anyone?

Many in the crowd cheer like mindless sheep, while others hate Steen so much that they just keep booing anyway.

Steen: Okay, well for those of you that did, I'm sure you saw my boy Sami here single-handedly carry his team to an impressive victory over a former champion, Jeff Hardy, and the current UWF United States Champion, Shark Boy. Yeah yeah, Wade Barrett was there too, but when push came to shove it was 100% Callihan cleaning things up in here. I'm not just making this shit up, you saw it. You saw that U.S. champion get pinned clean in the center of this ring, right where I'm standing now. Sami here, he made it look easy too. Kinda prophetic, don't you think? Like, when Shark Boy finally has to put that belt on the line like a real champion, well... let's just say seems like he might not be as lucky with the defending it as he was with the winning it.

Now Sami has himself a match with Shark Boy again this week. One-on-one though, and that... that kinda gets me excited. Sure, I'm bummed that I don't have a match yet again, but I get that I'm a special atraction, and Paul Heyman knows that too. Hell, if I were in here each week, wouldn't be long before half the roster was sidelined with injuries anyway. That's just what killers do - thin out the herd. And this blue brand, well let's just say it sure needs someone to start trimming the fat. You can thank whoever you call your god for me and Sami Callihan, cause that's just what we're here to do. And lucky for everyone, we're not wasting any time.

It starts here, with Shark Boy. A man who dresses up like a damn fish, shoving his chubby, pasty little body into what looks like a kid's power rangers costume every week and then coming out here and acting like people should take him seriously - like they should respect him. What makes it all worse is he tops that off with pretending to be an ignorant redneck douchebag like Stone Cold Steve Austin. This guy has more issues than a year's worth of Springer reruns combined. Playing dress up with his buddies - hell, any other job in the world you come to work like that, they fire your ass and call the white coats to help you out the door. But here, in the UWF, where the great heritage of our sport is raped for "entertainment's" sake week in and out, that kinda shit isn't just tolerated, its rewarded. Given praise, given TV time, given title shots. Fuck that. Its ridiculous. This sport used to be about one guy saying he's the best and staying that way until someone else kicked his ass and took that right from him. There was a dignity to it - a respect. Now its a damn cartoon show. And Shark Boy, you fucking sea clown, every day you hold that United States title, you spit on the legacy of the better men who fought and bled for that belt.

So here we have Sami Callihan, here to rescue it back. Not for himself or for me - we don't need gold to validate our cause. Not for this company - the one that gives tools like you title shots - hell, that even lets you have a career. Not for these so called "fans" - who cheer for this bullshit and support freaks like you, sabotaging this entire industry. No, we will take that title back for the sake of dignity of professional wrestling. There sure isn't much left, especially in this country, in this promotion. But inch by inch, we'll take it back. At Unforgiven, Sami is going to tear through that self-important limey and the confused junkie before putting your head through the damn mat and pinning you 1-2-3. That is, if he lives anything after tonight. You could bring Jack Sparrow and your buddy with down syndrome or whatever the hell it is - your whole CUNT if you need it, and it won't save you from the ass kicking Callihan will give you tonight. And if you can drag yourself out of the hospital and make it to Unforgiven, it will only be to participate in the formality of Sami pinning you - the "champion", to reclaim the UWF United States Champion.

Steen lowers his mic to the continued hate of the crowd. Callihan looks like he's about to start when suddenly....

when suddenly...

WHEN SUDDENLY...

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Stoked on this match yo. Haven't had us a one-on-one match in like, thousands of years.​

 

[Sam]

Shark Boy, Grado and Paul Burchill all appear up on the big screen to huge pop. Grado however, is visibly livid.

Grado: That cunt said I had fuckin' Downs, I'm gonnae bust 'em, I'm gonnae bust 'em

Shark Boy: Calm down Grado, this sumbitch will get his bass whipped this week. I'll do it for you.

Grado: Aw he's a prick, man.

Shark Boy faces the camera straight on, peering down on Sami Callihan and Kevin Steen in the ring.

Shark Boy: Sami Callihan!. Last week ya had Shark Boy down for a moment and ya managed to pin Shark Boy's shoulders down to the mat for the three count. Congratulations, son, ya beat me. But let me tell you somethin' else ya won last week, and that's a big ol' can of Shark Boy signature branded Bass Whip. See last week you attempted to send a message to Shark Boy, you tried to say to Shark Boy "Ey Shark Boy!, I'm takin' yer title and ya ain't nothin' but a bag of crap to me!", well let me tell you, boy, Shark Boy ain't gon' let that fly. See this week is a lot different to last week, last week I had some guy runnin' around in a stupid-ass mask, thinkin' he's some kinda superhero or somethin', I had to watch my back 'cos of him and I had to watch that big English sumbitch Bad News Barrett as well as you. This week there ain't no distractions, it's me and you, one on one in the ring and I'm fixin' to send a message to you with that message bein' is that this here ring is Shark Boy's waters and if ya provoke the shark he'll sure as hell bite yer damn bass!

The crowd cheer for Shark Boy, eating up all of his shtick.

See in provokin' Shark Boy last week all ya did was sign away your chance of competin' for the US title at Unforgiven because the way Shark Boy sees it you ain't gon' make it that far. To put it simply, I'm gonna take ya by yer stupid little mop of hair and I'm gon' start bashin' yer cranium off every piece of metal that happens to be 'round ringside. 'Cos I know what your like Sami, yer one of these 'hardcore' sumbitches who thinks they can be more 'hardcore' than anybody else. Well Sami, this week on Smackdown you're goin' toe to toe with the most hardcore Shark in the sea, former UCW Hardcore Champion, current UWF United States Champion, Shark Boy!. And I know all about the sick kinda shit you do to people in this ring but I'll tell ya one thing, there ain't nothin' you can do that's gon' impress Shark Boy when it comes to 'hardcore' and violence.

Grado, still visibly incensed takes to the camera.

Grado: Aye, ya dick, if ye 'hink yer a big man throwin' yer ma' aboot like a ragdoll a few weeks back then ye can 'hink again 'cos my partner, my best pal Shark Boy's gonnae paste you, he's gonnae hit ye wi' the Chummer, the Deep Sea Driver, anything it takes to make sure your done, oot yer nut and oot the match at Unforgiven. And I tell ye, see if that sack a Canadian shite ye hang aboot wae tries to get involved well me and my C.U.N.T. brother Paul Burchill here will be in that ring faster than ye can say ye wanted the XL option on yer Big Mac meal. And we'll throw ye aw round the gaff, in the crowd, backstage, on the stage, aff the stage, everywhere and ye ken what will happen tae you if ye really want to mess with The C.U.N.T. well we'll take ye back tae the SS C.U.N.T. and we'll show ye exactly what the C.U.N.T. is all about!. AND I'VE NOT GOT DOWNS SYNDROME!

Grado stomps off, still angry about Kevin Steen's unjust accusations of him lacking a chromosome.

Shark Boy: Sure as damn hell he don't, so boys, ya heard the man... whether you understood him or not another question but dammit you can tell he's aggressive. This week, yer boy gets involved, my boys get involved. Simple. Then there's no way you can claim a victory over Shark Boy because one on one ya got nothin' and Shark Boy's gonna make a point of showing you that beating Shark Boy in a tag team match is one thing, but going head to head, toe to toe, one on one with The Toughest Chum Of A Fish on the roster is somethin' completely different and you'll learn that when yer starin' up at the lights and Shark Boy's downin' them tasty cold-ass beers AND THAT'S THE FISHIN LIIIINE COS SHARK BOY AND THE C.U.N.T. SAID SO!

Shark Boy and crew stay on the screen for a rebuttal... or do they?! (Ideally not seeing how late I left this to post... sorry Fauche xoxo)
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