UWF SmackDown! 3/1/14: Shark Boy & Willow v. BNB & Sami Callihan

[Andrew]

The music of Bad News Barrett plays as the #BNB text shows up on the titantron as the podium continues to go to a higher height. Barrett uses the gavel to bang loudly as he draws everyone's attention.

Bad News Barrett: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I please have your attention for one moment. It has came to my attention that I am scheduled for a match this week, but I'm afraid I've got some BAD NEWS for you! Last week on Smackdown, you all saw me attend several times delivering my speeches. Mind you, everything I said is absolutely correct. Seeing this place turn into shambles, wrestlers turning into characters that we'd probably see in CHIKARA. For those who don't know what CHIKARA is, please turn away from the product and pay attention to the "Bearer of Bad News"; that being me. Thankyou! It is absolutely appalling to see that Smackdown was once considered the best brand here in UWF, what goes through your minds? It babbles me to see how this place was even considered the best, if ever. This is why I am delivering the GOOD NEWS first! The good news is, Paul Heyman is now Smackdown's General Manager and I know you people are in an uproar over the dismissal of Stone Cold Steve Austin but personally I believe Paul Heyman is the right man for this job. Finally there will no longer be favorites around here on Smackdown and we're setting things the right way; this is why I have received my opportunity at Unforgiven. That's the thing, America has found themselves into some deep trouble right now. Shall I begin with Shark Boy who is currently the United States Champion? The fact is; I am not going to speak on our match at Unforgiven tonight. Because first, I must assemble myself to deliver a strong message, a message deemed so strong for Smackdown that you wouldn't be able to forgive me. Hence the name of the Pay-Per-View, Unforgiven!

The crowd are silent for once, Barrett pauses before he speaks once again.

Bad News Barrett: Shark Boy, isn't it amazing how you're a character that resembles strongly of a man that we just got rid of? Do you understand why Paul Heyman has allocated me into this fatal four-way at Unforgiven? It's because of you Shark Boy, the fact your group turns out to be a name that is a profanity. Is this what you people do? I'm appalled you've even aligned yourself with a British and a Scottish! But you Shark Boy, you're an American... you represent America just like Willow and Sami Callihan. But what have you done for America? You won this Championship but are you going to be the face that changes America for the better? As far as I'm concerned, I see all these people stuffing food down their gullets and taking up double seats just to see me wrestle! They are not here for you, unlike the rest of you... I hate America so much. You could ask why I am here, but the question is... I am here to ridicule your President, ridicule UWF and maintain to be the best British Wrestler in the World! In fact, I know I am better than all you American wankers. So Shark Boy, the fact you've chosen to resemble yourself like Stone Cold Steve Austin; would you care to explain to me why is it that you idolize him so much that you've tried to become him? We all know you're just a 39 year old mark that likes to play dress-ups; there's absolutely no originality from you where as I. I am my own man, I don't need a dumb character, gimmick, style at all. The fact is you some how married a mermaid, got divorced and you've got a kid named Dylan who appeared on the Nigel Guinness Documentary, better known as our former General Manager, Desmond Wolfe! Now I understand you've got a thing or two for General Managers but let me assure you that I know for a fact Paul Heyman will not want to do business with you. If you think for one moment that you'll be accomplishing anything better from this moment onwards, you are mistaken. But I'm afraid I've got some BAD NEWS for you Shark Boy... February 2009, a good five years ago... the worst thing happened to you. But fast forward five years... the worst will happen to you this weekend on Smackdown! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

The crowd boo's heavily as Barrett chuckles as he bangs the gavel loudly.

Bad News Barrett: Nonetheless, I still have plenty more news because last week I attacked a man formerly known as Jeff Hardy. A man who substantial abuses himself constantly that now he's possessed by the darkness that his mind has become clouded and he no longer knows his identity. He has chosen to give himself the name "Willow"; mind you Jeff Hardy has had this similar gimmick, character, delusional crap all his life. But here's a story about "Willow", your brother Matthew decided to create his own promotion. With a few drugged-up friends of yours who didn't know any better; you decided it'd be fun to portray many characters. Are you positive this was actually wrestling and you weren't prancing around in a backyard with a few mattresses? This is where you portrayed Willow The Wisp, The Iceman, Mean Jimmy Jack Tomkins and The Masked Mountain... (Barrett chuckles in disbelief as he shakes his head) Is this reality? Or this is a fantasy pipe-dream Jeffrey? But after you were released from the WWE Jeffrey, you decided to realm in your fantasy phase once again and decided that Willow shall be reborn once again, but what happened? You couldn't beat a simple Independent jobber at all for your brothers' promotion OMEGA. But time after time Jeffrey, you continue to lose your true identity... you continue to mess yourself up and slip into this phase of being trapped, some sort of darkness. I'm afraid I've got some BAD NEWS for you Jeffrey, I've been a man who's wandered through dark alleys, I've been a man who's bare-knuckled and became a fighting champion at doing so; so this web of darkness you've possessed... It simply cannot possess me whatsoever, the fact you require face-paint and you've used such chemicals to derange your face and become more demented than "The Joker" in "The Dark Knight"... All of it sickens me Jeffrey, but understandably you're a man who's lost his way. This is why I attacked you last week Jeffrey, explanations aren't required! You need to wake up from your mistakes, much like these wankers in the crowd. Once the mistakes are cleanse... which will be NEVER! This is why I've taken place here on UWF Smackdown because I am going to become the next United States Champion, this is why America will be a better place with me as your leader!

The crowd delivers boo's like never before, there's a few people throwing food towards Barrett but they cannot reach him because he is situated so high now.

Bad News Barrett: Lastly, my tag team partner. Sami Callihan, this week we team up and our reasoning's for one week only allows us to focus. To eliminate our opponents and ensure that we are deemed as the stronger team this week. Now I understand you may not like me, perhaps I don't like you as well. But this week is important that we deliver a win over our opponents who know absolutely nothing about chaos. They do not understand our intentions in the business, after watching you put your own mother in hospital; quite unsure if she's even awake at this stage. I don't think it matters to you at all, but you've shown violence and Wade Barrett approves of this violence of yours. However at Unforgiven, nobody will be on the same page... the page will be in pieces but this week is an important week. This week Willow and Shark Boy will find themselves defeated, I will take a stand and ensure that I cannot be stopped... The violence Sami Callihan has to release upon the both of you this week will be seriously dangerous, I'd be worried. However, I am a man that has no fear, no worries... I know for a fact this week Sami and I will go into the match, we will align as a force to be reckoned with. For one week only, we will defeat the ungracious characters UWF has to offer and we will eliminate them. You take one look at Sami, he is his own man. There's no sucking up about it, I watched Sami carefully last week... it's frustration that he's venting out. I understand his anger... this week Shark Boy and Willow will meet the "Bearer of Bad News", but you'll also meet a man so violent that you may lose parts of your body... if you don't believe what I've said... THEN I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!
​

 

[Tapout]

As Bad News Barrett finishes banging his gavel, the arena lights turn out and a quiet, sinister theme starts to play out of the speakers. The arena stays dark but the huge titan tron behind Barretts podium flashes to life with one image.

Willow’s haunting voice begins pouring out of the arena speakers, coming from all around.

Willow

Bad News. So much bad news. Willow can hardly take all this bad news. Please stop. STOP. Stop making Willow upset. It doesn’t end well for anyone involved. Willow can promise you this. Willow can promise that bad things come when Willow is upset. Barrett. Barrett wants to talk about a man named Jeff Hardy. Willow killed Jeff Hardy. He is gone. Jeff Hardy will never be seen again because Jeff Hardy was weak. Jeff Hardy couldn’t handle the demons in his head and thus Jeff is dead. No more. NEVER...never to return. Willow tried to help Jeff Hardy. He really did. But He couldn’t save him. He couldn’t pull him back from the edge of darkness and for that Willow is very sorry. But with one death comes one birth and out of the darkness, out of the flames, out of ages..Willow was born. You don’t understand Willow, Barrett. You are blinded and Willow will be the light. Willow will guide you to the promise land where Bad News no longer exist. Once you give up to death, that is when you live. You can only live through death! Gone are the chains of humanity and the shackles or mortality. Take Willows hand, Barrett! Do what Chris Jericho was too scared to do and follow me. Follow me. Follow me. FOLLOW ME!

There is an eerie quietness after his last words.

Willow

Willow doesn’t care what you say about him, Barrett. Willow knows that he is the only one that is truly free. He is the one that will save UWF. One lost soul at a time. If you don’t follow Willow, if you don’t let him save you then you will be left behind. You don’t want to be left behind. You think Willow needs to wake up, Barrett. Willow is awake. He is more awake than anyone. Willow has seen the light. Willow has not lost his way. He has found the path to salvation! He wishes that others walk among the shadows, through the darkness with him. Willow only wishes to show you all the way. He has not lost his way, Barrett. He has not lost his way. You’re actions on Smackdown upset him, Barrett. But Willow is willing to forgive. He is willing to leave it all behind him in the past if you promise to take his hand and walk to the land of redemption. Join him on this quest and you will walk with Saintes. But if you fail to heed his warnings, then you will burn with sinners and demons. We are born dying, Barrett, and only through death can we really be frpletely leaving the arena cloaked in darkness. Shortly the lights return as if nothing has happened. ee. The angels are weeping and it is time. It is time. Barrett..it is time.

The feed short circuits out a few times but comes back to focus on Willow’s face.

Willow

This week though, we are not alone. No, other men lurk in the shadows. Willow has to team up with a man he knows little about. Willow does not judge. He doesn’t care if this man wishes to dress himself up as a creature of the deep. Willow is a creature of the night. He thinks that this man, Sharkboy, is actually free. Sharkboy has seen the light and is living life free! Something that Chris Jericho was not. He tried to help you Chris Jericho. He warned you but you didn’t listen to Willow. And know you burn with Demons. There is no room for sinners in Willow’s Woods. You, Chris Jericho, will be left behind. Sharkboy...Will you be saved? Will you walk with Willow? Will you listen to Him? Will you give him your hand and say “I am yours?” Only time will tell...Oh yes. Time will tell. Time tells all.

The footage shorts out and comes back to find Willow in another part of the woods, now with an umbrella.

Willow

Can you see it? Can you see it? It’s raining. The angels are crying...they want this nightmare to end but they don’t understand Willow. They don’t understand what he is trying to do. Willow is not the bad guy. Willow is a savior. He is very sorry for what he must do but something needs to be done. Sami Callihan...it’s raining. Will you let the rain wash your sins away or will you avoid it? Your choice will affect the rest of your life Sami. Choice wisely. Will you walk with Willow? Or will you listen to the Bad News? Step out and feel the rain! It’s so wonderful. Isn’t it? Sharkboy...Bad News Barrett...Sami Callihan...it’s time. Heed The Willows Whisper.

Willows last word echos through the arena while the footage shorts in and out. Finally it dies out com​

 

[Fauche]

"A History of Bad Men" hits the PA for probably the first time ever. The crowd are surprised to see Sami Callihan and Kevin Steen walk out on to the stage, given that on Velocity they entered to "Sabotage", known to all as the legendary entrance theme of THE Brian Kendrick and The Intrepid Traveller, Paul London. Chop it up to technical difficulties. Disirregardless, Callihan and Steen stroll down the ramp without much sense of urgency, or any notice to the massively negative reaction they are receiving from the capacity crowd. Fans who once supported the T.I.O.C. wholeheartedly now have nothing but utter disdain for the indy hardcore icon and his new accomplice. Callihan seems as if he couldn't care less though, instead focusing on the other two men in the ring already. Along with Steen, he grabs a mic from the monkey at tingside before climbing the apron and stepping into the squared circle. He raises his mic to speak but is met with a chorus of deafening boos and jeers. With a slow, steady glare around the stadium, Callihan shows he has no regrets over his recent turn and begins anyway.

Callihan: Not once. Not one damn time did I ever presume to judge a single one of you for anything you ever did or didn't do. While each of you cheered me, paid to see me wrestle, wore my merch, my slogan, my colors, my letters "T.I.O.C." - a brotherhood none of you knew a thing about or ever bled for. Did I care though? Nah, I... I shared in that with you. I, uh... I gave my body up. Donated, gifted.... sacrificed. Put myself through hell week after week after week after damn week. Whether it was a hardcore match in this very ring, some death match or brawl in a gymnasium on my way to the big leagues or that trainwreck of a tag team title match you've all come to call a "classic" - I bled. I didn't have to, and I sure never got anything for it, but I did anyway. All for you people. Brodie Lee and I allowed each person who tuned in or bought a ticket to be a part of the T.I.O.C. with us - any underdog, and kid who had been told they weren't good enough, anybody who the world had just stepped on or over and left behind. I never asked any of you what kind of people you were. I didn't care whether you were "good" or "bad", what ya did last night, what ya had for breakfast or who ya had it with. I didn't take a look at the crowd some nights, decide they weren't worth my best effort, that they weren't worth my blood and sweat and broken bones. All I cared about was honesty. That's what the T.I.O.C. was - honesty with yourselves, about who you were and what the world was, and we just reacted honestly to all that. No judgements, no shame, just us.

Now I see the real truth though, and its such a fucking joke. Yeah, that's right, big bad potty mouth Sami Callihan dropping curse words on national television in front of woman and kids and its not cause I got a need to prove myself or cause I want ratings or cause I'm trying to edgy. Nah, I'm just pissed. Pissed off that I trusted you all, pissed off that I gave so much under the false pretense that it all meant something. That it was something real, something true. It wasn't though - just an illusion. A sick, sad, mirage, one I imagined up as alternative to this tragic reality. One I put all my hope in, that maybe could have come true, but you people ruined that. And at first.... at first I was surprised, shocked. Yeah, I was just as shocked as anyone when I took out my dear sweet mother on Smackdown the other night. I mean, I always knew I hated her, just didn't know I hated her that much. But... but it felt good. It felt right - like I was finally being honest with myself. And I... I thought... I thought that maybe you all could see that. That just like when I was ripping my body to pieces fighting in this ring, you would see beyond it all and get what I was trying to do. See my honesty. But then I heard them... heard your boos. Felt your hate. And... and in an instant I knew it had all been fake. Like waking up from a dream, waking up in your cold, dark bedroom, knowing its time to finally get up and face the shitstorm that is the world. Time to take care of business.

I got no more time for dreams, no more time for any of you. I was there for you whenever you needed someone to cheer for, someone to aspire to be, a man without fear, a man without give. But soon as I do something for me, you spit in my face? Fuck you. Fuck all of you. This is me, just like always, me being me. I don't have to be what you want, its just what I am. And my good friend Kevin here has helped me to realize that I don't belong to you, and I never really have, and I never will. And NONE OF YOU deserve this business, deserve the right to call yourself fans, cause you're all just selfish animals, fighting over the blood and ego trying to get your share - vicarious masochists. Its disgusting. And its over. We are taking this business back, back for the men and woman who have earned it, honestly and without apology.

Callihan pauses for a moment to catch his breath while the crowd continues to lay the hate on. Steen looks around, shaking his head in disappointment and disgust. Sami ignores the peope and continues shortly thereafter.

Callihan: At Unforgiven, we initiate the first stage of our salvation project. For too long this industry has been overrun by sycophants, hypocrites, backstabbers and phonies. Just look at the once noble United States Championship. Title was held for months and months by a man pretends to be undead. Delusional old redneck who should have hit the pasture a decade ago. Follow that with a Houstonian thinks he's from the Game of Thrones and now a grown man who not only dresses up like a shark, but is so insecure in that insecurity that he has to imitate that asshole ex-GM he just had the good pleasure of having replaced. ABout a year's worth of jokes for this title. I gotta say, its about time to restore some credibility and integrity to this championship. Good men travelled all over this country for a half century to wrestle amazing matches, make this thing more than a belt, to make it a championship title. And what do they get in return? Sharkboy? Are you kidding me? Like Barrett just said, that second-rate sideshow bogus belongs with the Juggalos and Quackenbush in some rundown Legion hall in the middle of nowhere. Not here. Not in our ring. I may not be the most... traditional of wrestlers myself, but damn sure I'm man enough to not act like a foolish little kid each week. Playing dress up with my pals... ugh. Buddy, if you don't take yourself seriously, why the fuck should I? Only reasons our title match is gonna last longer than a minute is cause I'm gonna have to go through two other guys 'fore I break you.

And speaking of, here we got Jeff Hardy joining the make believe club. I'd love to take this clown's word that Jeff Hardy is dead, but rest assured if I pulled off that low rent Power Ranger's mask I'd find me a scared little coward, too ashamed to show his real face in this industry cause of the way he's ruined his life. Talk on with your riddles, your mysteries, you're whispered threats. All you are is a confused boy's imaginary monster, the ghost at the end of a child's bad dream, one he couldn't cope with so he's brought to life in place of himself cause he was too ignorant to ever figure out a real purpose in this world. Well don't worry, I'll give ya a purpose. I'll give ya an end to this fairy tale. You've had the luck of having opponents more chickenshit than you duck out of matches these past few weeks, but come Unforgiven, best believe I'll be there, ready to put you down. That is if you make it past Smackdown. I'd rather be teaming with Steen than English over here, but I'll take him over team play-time any day. It's a damn shame I even have to waste my time on a pair of goofs like you, so I'm gonna do all I can to make sure I don't have to again. Whatever you're ucky enough to drag out of the ring and bring to Unforgiven, I'll make sure to finish before I take that title home.

Callihan turns to Barrett.

Callihan: I don't got much to say to you. We're teaming up this week. Let's do what we have to. I like what you have to say, like that you realize how messed up this damn company is. Its guys like who actually earn their spots on this roster. But that title is mine, and you ain't gonna be the one to deny me that. But I guess you're used to hearing bad news like that.

Callihan lowers his mic, staring himself a hard stare at Barrett. This goes on until...

until....


UNTIL....​

 

[Sam]

UNTIL!

'The following is brought to you by The C.U.N.T.'



The now familiar rock track 'Stranglehold' by Ted Nugent signals the arrival of every Smackdown fans favourite faction. Before long we are greeted with the sight of Grado and Shark Boy walking out from behind the curtain. Shark Boy with the United States Championship wrapped around his waist, Grado is doing his best air guitaring and dancing around. Soon they are joined by Paul Burchill who comes swinging down from a podium at the side of the stage. All three men then glance a look to each other before heading down to the ring all business. All three men slide into the ring, Shark Boy immediately grabs a microphone and immediately begins to speak.

Shark Boy: All you sumbitches better shut the hell up 'cos Shark Boy's here, he's pissed off and he's ready to open up a can of bass whip at the drop of a hat and if any y'all so much as entertain the idea of cuttin' me off then me and my boys are gonna take to stompin' mudholes in yer basses!. Now y'all in the crowd are probably wonderin' why Shark Boy's so damn pissed off... well, more pissed off than normal. And the answer is it's 'cos Shark Boy's been made to defend his United States Championship against three sorry sumbitches by the names of Sami Callihan, Willow and Bad News Barrett. Now I know the naked eye The C.U.N.T. can appear to be a damn weird sight, but Shark Boy ain't ever seen three more stupid lookin', sorry sumbitches in all his time in this business. And trust me Shark Boy's seen Rob Van Dam teamin' up with Mantaur back in the UCW.

The crowd cheer for Shark Boy, reminiscing on past greats.

Now Mantaur certainly stunk of bullcrap but he never presented as much bullcrap as this big English prick Wade Barrett, or Bad News Barrett as it is now. Now Bad News Barrett you can stand there on yer podium, and you can tell us all about yer 'bad news' but Shark Boy's got more bad news for you than you can shake that damn mallet at. First piece of bad news is this, this week on Smackdown you're gon' be teamin' with a guy who beat up his own damn Mother last week in Sami Callihan and as we've already seen he's prone to smackin' a bitch. So I'd watch out. And secondly, you're not only gon' get yer bass whipped at Unforgiven, but yer gon' get a preview when Shark Boy hits ya with a Chummer and shows ya that you ain't got a shot in hell of takin' this belt away from him.

The crowd cheer for Shark Boy as he gets tore into Barrett.

And like I already said, yer teamin' with this reject this week. Now Sami, I like ya, in this ring yer hellacious, ya don't give a damn and you'll do what it takes to win, just like Shark Boy does... but when you started hangin' around with that fat Quebecois bastard Kevin Steen ya done forgot about what made you and that's these people. No matter how violent Shark Boy or any member of The C.U.N.T. needs to get, we never forget those C.U.N.T-A-Holics who chant for us, cheer for us and buy these damn t-shirts we're sportin' which of course you can get on UWF.com, but that's beside the damn point. Sami Callihan, this week and at Unforgiven ain't gon' be nice for ya, you can beat up yer own damn Ma but Shark Boy ain't so damn easy to pick on, and Shark Boy promises and delivers on those promises and as of right now I'm promisin' to stick this boot straight up yer damn bass and the same goes for Kevin Steen if he thinks he can get involved in any matches involvin' me and you.

Callihan and Steen are unimpressed with Shark Boy, Shark Boy turns to the titantron.

And then there's Willow. Now I don't know too much about this damn psychopath, I know what he used to be like, and hell he ain't that bad of a tag team partner, in fact you could call him a tag team specialist. But it's a one week deal Willow and even though you ain't some dirty lowlife like Sami Callihan or Bad News Barrett, you still don't get a pass on a bass whippin' at Unforgiven. But this ain't Unforgiven comin' up this week so we'll coexist, and hell I might even share a beer with ya, ya crazy bastard so long as you hold your end of the bass whippin' bargain... and if ya don't, well then I guess you ain't no different from our opponents this week and I will not back down from hittin' ya with a Chummer if ya step outta line... but all in all, this weeks about one thing and that's Shark Boy showin' these sorry sumbitches just what they're in store for at Unforgiven and THAT'S THE FISHIN LINE... COS SHARK BOY SAID SO! ​