TNA can have a little Hulkamania, as a treat (the TEW version)

[Sky]

Since I finally worked out how to just sim a universe on TEW2005, I'm going to let the game write episodes of Impact and PPVs and see how it books them. The database I'm using is a December 2009 database (which is a similar opening roster to the one I used in Who Needs Hulkamania, but with Hogan and Bischoff in there too). I'll be giving the results of the shows and giving a brief description of how I, a human, think the matches designed by TEW2005, a computer, would happen.

Spoiler: old info

The Passive Observer Newsletter: Tuesday, December 1, 2009.
Much appears to be changing for TNA. The big-name signings of Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff show the desire to move to new heights, and as such this year's Winter cleaning has caused the release of those the promotion see as dead weight.

Releases:
Men: Bobby Lashley, Cody Deaner, Kiyoshi, Jesse Neal, Raven, Rob Terry, Shark Boy, Tomko
Women: Daffney, Hamada, Lacey Von Erich, Madison Rayne
Non-wrestlers: David Penzer, Ed Ferrara, Willie Urbina

 

[Chris]

Top tier thread title

Also did you wanna stop this instantly when you saw they released Daffney right off the bat And two thirds of the Beautiful People but at least not Velvet I guess

 

[Sky]

Spoiler: old info

Impact
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Philips Arena - Atlanta, GA​

1. Christy Hemme d. Taylor Wilde. Guess the Flying Firecrotch hasn't surrendered to her injuries after all! I reckon this would be a nice little Knockouts opener, give it seven minutes or so. And to answer your question, Chris - yes, I am salty that Daffney, Hamada, and 2/3 of TBP got released.
2. Hulk Hogan d. Kip James. Wow, I forgot that they had the ex-Billy Gunn around, and I'm surprised the CPU kept him. Anyway, I reckon this is fairly short, but it gets a B- rating so I suppose it's not a squash. Can Hogan do leg drops anymore? Probably not, have him win with a big boot.
3. Chris Sabin d. Alex Shelley. Have them play off the MCMG history. A check of the roster reveals MCMG still exists, so I guess this is friendly. This must be for an X Division contendership or something.
4. Homicide d. Jay Lethal. This is a match I can get behind! Except for the part where Jay Lethal takes the Gringo Killer. I can't in any good conscience have anyone I like eat that move.
5. Tag Team Championship - Team Fly (Suicide/Abyss) d. British Invasion (c). He's coming alive! He wants to make you dead! They are... the new tag team champions? And they've already got a new team name! Odd pairing, but we'll see how it goes!
6. Samoa Joe d. Sting. This is a pretty good use for Sting, at this point. Have him come in, look badass, ride of prestige, and put over the guys you want to put over. Like Joe! Best match of the night. Having Sting get choked out in the Clutch is a good way to end this one.

Impact
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Civic Stadium - Eugene, OR​

1. Tag Team Championship - Team Fly (c) d. Motor City Machine Guns. What sort of tag team finisher would these guys have? Maybe a chokeslam into a flippy top rope move? Or Abyss lifts Suicide for a flippy move? I'm fine either way. Anyway, they do that on Alex Shelley.
2. Jay Lethal d. Mick Foley. This is probably hardcore since Mick can't wrestle properly. Or more likely, Mick being hardcore and Jay running rings round him. Elbow drop which may or may not involve a propped-up garbage can for the win.
3. Team 3D d. Styles/Daniels. Hopefully this means the computer is pushing Bully Ray for big things. Hopefully. Daniels likely eating the 3D here.
4. Knockouts Championship - ODB (c) vs. Alissa Flash (No Contest). There's a double disqualification here, so I guess they just rough each other up. Maybe there's an interference. Maybe it's by Kong, to draw parallels to the first real KO feud of Who Needs Hulkamania.
5. Kurt Angle d. Dr. Stevie. Without Raven and Daffney to guide with his hand, Dr. Stevie seems directionless, but this is actually the best match of the night! Personally, I'd have it play out to seem like a squash, but Stevie kicks out of the Angle Slam and wriggles away from that deadly Ankle Lock. Give it a good 10 minutes more before he finally gets Ankle Locked and taps.
6. Samoa Joe/Steiner d. Beer Money, Inc. Feels like a random pairing, but I can get behind big threatening guys being big and threatening together. Good TV main event which probably ends in a Clutch on one of Beer Money and a Steiner Recliner on the other. The legal man taps first.

Impact
Thursday, December 17, 2009
C. E. Smith Athletic Center - Washington, DC​

1. Awesome Kong d. Tara. This is probably a squash. She's a former champ in WWE, but that won't save you from the Implant Buster...
2. Daniels d. Chris Sabin. Being Chris Sabin is suffering apparently, but this is not a bad little match. Only a C+ match, so I'll say it doesn't get enough time.
3. Hernandez d. Eric Young. Another squash! Border Toss probably looks as terrifying with Eric as it does with everyone else.
4. Consequences Creed d. Brutus Magnus. This I like! This is an interesting matchup (except for Magnus) which features one of my most underused guys from TNA of the time, and Magnus. Everyone's a winner here, except for Magnus.
5. Joe/Steiner d. Team Fly. So, by the laws of wrestling logic, does this mean they get a shot at Final Resolution? Let's hope they do. We protect Team Fly slightly by having Suicide die to a Muscle Buster.
6. AJ Styles d. Kevin Nash. Best match of the night, and all of that is AJ. He's being sold as a guy with infinite energy and heart trying to down this stubborn brick wall. I doubt that Kevin Nash is mobile enough to get into the Styles Clash, or if AJ can lift him up. So we instead have him use one of his high-flying moves for the win. Spiral Tap, or maybe the springboard 450. Both are cool.

Final Resolution
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Rupp Arena - Lexington, KY​

1. Mick Foley d. Desmond Wolfe. A probably-hardcore opener. They really get the crowd pumped with this one. Unfortunately, this probably doesn't help the whole hepatitis thing.
2. Alissa Flash d. Taylor Wilde. Alissa's taking care of business in pretty short order. A lot of matches to deal with tonight, so some of them gotta be squashes. I like the Alissa push. Still sad that there's no sign of Velvet Sky yet.
3. Tag Team Championship - Team Fly (c) d. Motor City Machine Guns. Rematch from a title match on Impact, because reasons. This time Chris Sabin's the one eating the finisher, is all I can say.
4. Hernandez d. Brother Devon. I like the Hernandez push in theory, but not in practice. This will probably be a quick but impactful match with two big guys.
5. Sheik Abdul Bashir d. Consequences Creed. The guy with American flag trunks gets beaten by the Arab World Elite member... Let's just say, Bashir's gonna heel it up and gloat as much as the tight time allows.
6. Legends Championship - Eric Young (c) d. Kip James. Two guys who were beaten by big guys recently get to fight over the minor title. Kip gets fed to a really safe-looking piledriver. There never seems to be any danger apparent in EY's piledrivers, I don't know why.
7. Daniels d. Hulk Hogan. Whoa! This is a huge result, and gets the biggest buzz of the night. Heel Daniels beats Mr. Prayers and Vitamins with an Angel's Wings, and those who showed up to see Hogan return meet him with a chorus of boos.
8. X Division Championship - D'Angelo Dinero d. Amazing Red (c). This is a really good match that gets no time and thus no way to build hype. Who cares, though? It's fun face/face stuff and Pope has some gold! I would make it rain over Pope winning gold.
9. Kurt Angle d. Jay Lethal. I reckon this is one of the stronger and longer matches of the night. Angle finally topples Jay with an Angle Slam after a decent amount of time.
10. Knockouts Championship - Traci Brooks d. ODB (c). My favourite underappreciated Knockouts may be released, but here's Ms. Brooks to settle the score on that front! I think this is her first ever TNA gold! Heel ODB gets rounded up and powered over as Traci takes the title.
11. Kevin Nash d. Brother Ray d. Scott Steiner. Huge guys. Attitude Era guys. TNA's loves in this era. Match quality isn't bad, but again I don't think it gets time. Ray probably the one getting Jackknifed, because he's safer to take that sort of bump.
12. World Heavyweight Championship - AJ Styles (c) d. Dr. Stevie. Stevie is probably the most unexpected guy to see in this main event, but here he is! The wrestling therapist gets to show off his chops vs. the irrepressibly talented AJ in a good top-level match.

The obvious question: Do you want to see more of this? I could take this or leave this honestly, it just seems to be matches decided at random.

 

[Chris]

DR STEVIE! HOGAN WRESTLING ON EPISODE ONE! TRACI BROOKS AS CHAMP nah this is amazing, please keep doing this. THis is shit I'd do on TEW anyway when I'd get too bored of booking so I love it

 

[Sky]

Spoiler: old info

Impact
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Pavilion - Scranton, PA​

1. Hogan/Lethal/Roode d. Magnus/Kip/Sabin. This is how you use Hogan. Big tag matches so he can come in late and do his nostalgia spots. I'm gonna say Kip gets leg dropped because I didn't like this era of Billy Gunn's career.
2. Team Fly vs. Styles/Daniels (Double Countout). They can't stop brawling! They brawl to the back! Suicide probably does a dumb high spot! All the classics.
3. X Division Championship - D'Angelo Dinero (c) d. Eric Young. I'm pretty sure Eric Young doesn't meet the weight limit, but might as well give him an opportunity! He does fall to the DDE though after a pretty nice match.
4. Knockouts Championship - Traci Brooks (c) d. Christy Hemme. This is a pretty even match featuring two women you could probably call TNA Originals, but no one's winning except Traci! I remember her being noticeably bulkier than most Knockouts, so we'll call this a David and Goliath.
5. Team 3D d. Stevie/Samoa Joe. Stevie's still a doctor, and he's probably trying to cure Joe of whatever affliction causes him to have tribal face tattoos and get kidnapped by ninjas on the reg. Which probably involves him letting him take the 3D.
6. Kevin Nash d. Sting. And that concludes that edition of WCW in 1999 - sorry, TNA in 2009. Sting jackknifed and this is probably not a good thing.

Impact
Thursday, January 7, 2010
UIC Pavilion - Chicago, IL​

Let's just say December 31 was the New Year's compilation special.

1. Alissa Flash d. Taylor Wilde d. ODB. ODB probably does most of the face work, Taylor probably shoves her off, and Alissa probably delivers the payback for the W. Pretty quick match.
2. Awesome Kong d. Tara. Past-it ex-WWE Divas getting Implant Bustered? Nice! I like it!
3. James Storm d. Magnus. Is this a bubbling-under little British Invasion vs. Beer Money feud? I can vibe to this. Anyway, Magnus gets bullied by Beer Money once again and that is very much a good thing.
4. Knockouts Championship - Traci Brooks (c) d. Christy Hemme. They're running this back! Christy decides she wants more punishment, and gets it! This is probably getting Christy over as a face, and that's probably a good thing.
5. X Division Championship - D'Angelo Dinero (c) d. Brother Devon. Okay, something's up here. Devon definitely isn't a cruiserweight. That doesn't stop Pope clocking another defence with the DDE.
6. AJ Styles d. Scott Steiner. This is probably another fast vs. big match, but with AJ doing most of the work as Steiner's entire body is stiff. I reckon he couldn't be lifted up for the Styles Clash. Pele win it is.

The Passive Observer Newsletter: Tuesday, January 12, 2010
It appears the long-standing friendship between Hulk Hogan and the Nasty Boys is over. Brian Knobbs lobbied for the Nastys to appear on TNA with Hogan, but upper management nixed the idea. Knobbs appears to have blamed Hogan for this.

Impact
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Chiles Center - Portland, OR​

1. Legends Championship - Eric Young (c) d. Kip James. Rematch from Final Resolution, in the road to Genesis. Kip gets piledrivered.
2. Knockouts Championship - Traci Brooks (c) d. ODB. Traci's a fighting champion, and she's a monster champion, and ODB gets her rematch! It doesn't end well for her, though.
3. Consequences Creed d. Doug Williams. USA! USA! USA! That's what they'll be chanting when Creed gets this big win. He needs it.
4. Tag Team Championship - Team Fly (c) d. Motor City Machine Guns. I have no idea why they didn't save this match for PPV. Could have gotten more time. As it stands, it gets sub-10 minutes and ends in a Team Fly win.
5. X Division Championship - D'Angelo Dinero (c) d. Matt Morgan. Pope continues his run of picking on guys much bigger than him and coming out the winner. He dodges a couple of Carbon Footprint attempts before delivering the DDE.
6. Brother Ray d. Samoa Joe. Match of the night. Bubba gets to display his singles skills, notching another win over Joe. Devon comes out to meet him in the aftermath, and the two seem happy. Devon is apparently heel though? But Team 3D are still the team? I will never understand computers.

Impact
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Michigan State Fairgrounds Coliseum - Detroit, MI​

1. Jay Lethal d. Mick Foley. Youth overcomes experience, as it should be. Did Randy Savage ever have a match with Foley? If so, have it be a little like that. Finish is the elbow drop on Socko, followed by the top rope elbow drop on Mick himself. Because I like silly little things.
2. Hulk Hogan d. Kip James. This match is probably seriously ugly but it's Hogan (and to a lesser extent Billy Gunn) so it gets hype.
3. Legends Championship - Eric Young (c) d. Chris Sabin d. Desmond Wolfe d. Doug Williams. I'd have Williams eating the pin here, probably because of my desire to see the other two pushed. This is a fun showcase that should probably have been an opener.
4. Knockouts Championship - Traci Brooks (c) d. Tara. Tara getting destroyed again and again! She can never catch a break in any timeline, it seems. Divine creative has nothing for her.
5. X Division Championship - D'Angelo Dinero (c) d. James Storm. I like me this size disadvantage stuff. Pope takes it after yet another missed kick move attempt leads to a DDE.
6. World Heavyweight Championship Feast or Fired Cash-in Match - AJ Styles (c) d. Samoa Joe. Joe once again makes the mistake of announcing in advance. Styles Clash win.

Genesis
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Rupp Arena - Lexington, KY​

1. Knockouts Tag Team Championship - Sarita/Wilde (c) d. Christy/ODB. They both decided to team up after being eaten up by Traci, repeatedly, but fail to win the tag titles. That's it. That's the storyline. That's also Sarita and Wilde's first defence in this save.
2. Kip James d. Desmond Wolfe. Hm. That sure is a win for Kip James. Over someone who needs hype at the moment. This is probably this timeline's equivalent of Val Venis vs. Daniels. That's all I'll say.
3. Mick Foley d. Magnus. This is probably No DQ, because Mick can't win a regular wrestling match in his state. Being Magnus is suffering.
4. Awesome Kong d. Velvet Sky. Velvet's first appearance in this save! And without TBP, she gets jobbed out. Oof.
5. Bashir/Homicide/Rhino d. Hogan/Morgan/Shelley. Hogan doesn't eat the pin because he's got that creative control and ain't nobody pinning me, brother. So I'm gonna say Morgan gets Gored.
6. Daniels d. Doug Williams. Now this is more like it! This probably gets some actual time, thanks to TNA (hopefully) believing in its up-and-comers...
7. Legends Championship - Eric Young (c) d. Hernandez. Once again, Young defends. Hernandez eats a piledriver, which reminds me of how unsafe all of SuperMex's signature moves are. It's kind of like karma that he gets piledrivered, perhaps.
8. Tag Team Championship - Team Fly (c) d. Roode/Lethal. We get an odd couple together in order to provide the team of "guys who lose to Team Fly". This reign is coming... it's coming... it's coming alive!
9. X Division Championship - James Storm d. D'Angelo Dinero (c). Pope seems to have gotten cocky! He challenges Storm again, and gets Last Called! At least one of Beer Money has the gold now.
10. Knockouts Championship - Traci Brooks (c) d. Tara. Tara gets bullied, but this time on PPV. I'm fine with this.
11. Samoa Joe/Nash d. Team 3D. Joe has finally found his stride! He Muscle Busters Devon! But where's Dr. Stevie?
12. World Heavyweight Championship - AJ Styles (c) d. Dr. Stevie. He's only challenging for the title again! Unfortunately for those of us who love computer-controlled dumbassery, the result is the same as at Final Resolution.

 

[Chris]

Why tf does Dr. Stevie keep getting these title shots also no Nasties in this timeline tho

 

[Sky]

Hey, remember this? Turns out the save I had no longer exists. But I'm going to be starting anew, and hopefully it'll be worth it. This time it's starting in January 2010, so the roster will be slightly different. But... I'm sure TEW2005 will be as dumb as ever. See you in a new thread.