Welcome to the 43rd edition of the column that will make you and and make you laugh all in one fell swoop, the No Smark Zone. I firstly want to apologize to everyone who was going to contribute to the latest edition of Fact or Fiction. As some of you know I lost my uncle last week and I had a lot of bullshit to deal with so all of the momentum for that went out the window. So don’t think I’m not using them out of spite or because big daddy K doesn’t like what you have to say. The freight went off the tracks so to speak. I may go back to that for the next one, I may not, but I just wanted to say thanks for helping.
Now onto a more cheery topic, BEING WRONG. And no, I’m not just going to tell you so and so on the board is wrong, or Dave Meltzer is a putz (even though he is), no, I am speaking, of course, as a whole about the IWC. If the first 6 months of 2008 in the WWE have taught me anything, its that us wrestling fans, myself included, don’t know shit. Dateline: Madison Cube (wait, this isnt Futurama) Square Garden. The event; the Royal Rumble. This RR had some of the biggest stars today in it with Batista, HHH, HBK, and Undertaker being the 4 locks to win. CM Punk was a dark horse and I believe Mr. Kennedy was too. And what happened?
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FF to the night after on Monday Night Raw. John Cena comes out, does his shtick with one twist, he’s taking his title shot early. Fuck Mania, he wants Orton NOW! Fucked ya again. Later that month at No Way Out we have the battle of two former OVW golden boys going at it for the richest prize in the game. One is going to Mania and presumably face HHH. Some thought it was gonna be the Legend Killer, some thought Cena and H would have an epic WM rematch. Then during the middle of the match their was almost a count out and a double count out situation giving credence to the “triple threat” theory. They get back into the ring to fight and what happens? Orton turns and bitchslaps the ref. FUCKED YA! And lets not forget, that very SAME NIGHT, one of the biggest stars in the history of boxing, jumps the rail and gets into a confrontation with a 7ft 4in 400lb giant. Who saw that coming?
Then comes the big gig, the granddaddy of them all, WRESTLEMANA 24! The stage is set, Edge vs. Taker, Cena vs. Orton vs. H in a triple threat and a 7 man MITB match. Now granted, Edge/Taker wasn’t as unpredictable as you would think, because, well Taker is UNDEFEATED but the “smarts” pointed out, as did I, that Edge is pretty much the PERFECT candidate to end Takers streak. Didn’t happen. Didn’t even come CLOSE to happening. Also their was a little annual event called Money In The Bank. Now people were talking like Jeff had it and it was a foregone conclusion, but when he got tossed out, it was all up for grabs. There was not one person in that match, who didn’t have a pretty equal chance of winning it. But the REAL shock of WM 24 was, as everyone knows, the triple threat. What was the talk all around, not just between the “marks” but betwixt the “smarts”? “Is it gonna be Cena, or is it gonna be H?” Orton was not even part of the equation. It was like he wasn’t even in the match. HELLO! HES THE CHAMPION! And not only was he out of the equation HE WAS SLATED TO TAKE THE FALL. I cant remember how many times someone said “there is no way Cena or H take the fall”. HAHA! FUCKED ALL OF YOU AGAIN!
Now granted for the 2 months, the WWE was standard fare. We got a 4 way at Backlash, AGAIN, and the champ retained, AGAIN. But as far as unpredictability goes, they WWE had earned a mulligan or two. And for those wondering no, I don’t golf, but I like the term. So from Backlash through Judgment Day, pretty standard fare, with the exception of the controversy over the Undertaker being stripped of his title, which made everyone go WHAT THE FUCK!? Oh yeah, their was something else, how could I forget my personal favorite WWE event that is barely ever used anymore, the WWE King Of The Ring. I have said it before and I will say it again, I love tournaments. And of Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Fit Finlay, The Great Khali, Hornswaggle, MVP, Matt Hardy, and William Regal; who is the LEAST LIKELY TO WIN!? Ok Hornswaggle, but other than him? The guy who won, William Regal!! And let it be known that I was a big fan of this, not because it was unpredictable, but because I love Regal. And what happened right after it happened? Some people shit ALL OVER IT. “It makes no sense”, “it was too random”, “Punk could have used it more”. Tell me now, since we know what happened after he lost this match, would it have mattered if he would have won? Shit no.
So now the stage is set for One Night Stand. The EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME Pay Per View. Edge is taking on The Undertaker in a TLC match, and if Taker loses, he is gone from the WWE. I don’t know anyone, ANYONE who thought Edge was a lock to win this. “Oh they are stacking it in his favor so it looks like he’s gonna win” and then, HE DOES!! I was in shock, utter shock when I heard that. The last thing I expected to see on WWE.com was “Edge Retires Undertaker” O_O So I’m thinking, where in the hell are they going to go from here? Is Punk going to cash in his MITB and become the new SD champion? Is Kennedy going to get drafted to SD and start a “You Stole My Briefcase” feud? Or will we get another great “Lita On A Pole” feud with Matt Hardy? Add to all of this, the glassy eyed and apparently glassy BONED Randy Orton gets injured yet again which adds in even MORE of an air of wtfitude.
Up next, the always popular WWE Draft. Umaga is supposed to be drafted to SD, which does happen, but after that it was pretty much all up in the air. Lets face it, last year the draft was relatively blasé. Khali, Snitsky, Masters, Torrie Wilson, and The Boogeyman? I mean COME ON. I was glad to see Masters get a fresh start as much as the next guy, but nothing earth shattering. That is until Bobby Lashley the ECW Champ was moved to Raw and then stripped of his title. (Why didn’t that happen this year) Chris Benoit was moved to ECW in what was the smartest move (or at least it would have been), Flair moved over to SD to work with the youngins, King Booker is fed to the Raw machine, and Kennedy steps up to the big time and gets his chance to go live. Don’t get me wrong, it was a nice draft, but it wasn’t the ground rumbling, earth shaking, trend setting draft it once was. So the WWE has left a lot to be desired for this years draft. That being said, one, ONE good pick would have made this draft better than last years. And what did the WWE do? They give us uppercut after uppercut. Throwing BOMBS of unpredictability our way. We start out with Rey Mysterio. While this wasn’t a O_O shock, it was still a bit unexpected for the simple reason that Undertaker and Rey Mysterio have always been the cornerstones of Smackdown. The second pick was a move to Smackdown, Jeff Hardy. Certainly a bit more of a shock. He is, without a doubt, one of the most popular stars on Raw, so its either a punishment for him or they are going to take SD seriously and not just have it be the B show. The third pick of the night, Mr. Money In The Bank, CM Punk. He was heavily touted to go to Smackdown. Guess what people, he was already on Smackdown. So if he was gonna be moved, it had to be to Raw. Like Jeff and Rey, not O_O but definitely more surprising than both. The next pick, the first real shocker of the night, Matt Hardy to Raw. Sonofabitch, no Cain/Abel feud for me L at least for now. So that means the US Title goes with him, which is just as interesting. The next one, is a tie for the most unexpected of the draft, good ol JR. Are you kidding me? Jim is THE VOICE OF RAW!? Anyone who says they saw this coming is an effing liar. And apparently it was a shock to him as well as he wasn’t informed.
But you know what, and this was something I wanted to touch on too. I’ve seen a few people on the board saying its “disrespectful” to not tell the workers that they are getting drafted to another show. I think this is bullspit for 2 reasons. One, they could very easily let it slip. Someone suggested handing out fines, but that doesn’t mean shit when the cats already out of the bag. Also, reason 1.5, kind of along these lines, as soon as the worker gets told someone else is going to find out as well. Say Rey Mysterio is told he’s being drafted to Raw. He calls and tells his wife, understandably, because this means a change for them. And then she tells a close friend who tells someone else and it gets out the week before the show airs. Then where the fuck are you? Or say someone overhears Rey being told or someone sees Rey being pulled into a meeting with Vince. What’s one of the assumptions? And then its out. It’s called keeping their business THEIR BUSINESS. One of the most talked about stars in history, Brian Pillman, did this. He kept his business to himself and what did it do, it made him THE GUY for a while. Why? No one knew what the fuck was going on. So this isn’t a bad thing or disrespectful to the guys being moved. They are all told that they could be moved. If this is a problem for them and they don’t like change, well “Get the F Out”.
Anyway, onto the next pick, Smackdown’s Animal comes to Raw. We even get a look at Batista and Cena kinda staring down. Definitely a O_O moment. Umaga gets drafted. Yay. Then Kane gets drafted back to Raw. Wow. ECW loses CM Punk and its champion. I don’t think anyone saw this coming either O_O. And then finally we have the big battle royal. Last year SD won it, and this year its no different as the Rated ARGH (my neck) Superstar Edge fucks over John Cena (booo heel tactics) to win Mr. Kennedy and the biggest surprise in draft history, TRIPLE H for Smackdown! The biggest WHAT THE FUCK of the night or at least tied with JRs moving. And I go back to what I said before about guys being told, Trips looked surprised. I don’t know if it was legit or not, but it looked like the Hardyz, Rey Rey and JR to me. All of the reports on the internetz say “well one can assumed he was told beforehand” but I wouldn’t be so sure. Imagine of this one was spoiled? That would have sucked ass. And I understand the point of spoilers is to give information, fine. But I think the reason people read spoilers other than not being able to catch the show, is because they don’t want to be “gotten”. Some people just don’t want to me “one of those dumb marks”. This is the exact reason the “finger poke of doom” makes them so mad. BECAUSE THEY GOT FUCKED! Not out of the epic battle that would have been Kevin Nash vs. Hulk Hogan, but they were had, they were bamboozled, they were fooled, and they cant have that.
no:
And this, as I said before doesn’t just apply to everyone else but Kaedon, fuck man I don’t know shit either. Monty remembers when I told him this, when Kofi was drafted to Raw in the supplemental draft, I thought that was it for him. I thought hed get some token matches and get some wins, maybe even get a lower card feud, but would flounder until being moved to SD or ECW again. HOW WRONG WAS I!? God damn. And I proudly admit it, lol. I was 100% wrong. He may later go on to flounder like Carlito did, but I don’t think he will. Then again, what do I know…J
And then finally, the granddaddy of them all, the lowly CM Punk, the one Stephanie McMahon hates, the one who is barred from doing his "true" finisher because TRIPLE H's POWARZ is holding him down, HE IS YOUR WORLD CHAMPION!! Punks gonna cash it in and lose. Punks gonna lose, HAHAHA! EHHHHHHHHH WRONG! This may be the biggest surprise, wrestling wise, since...well I cant remember something shocking me that much. Nothing Austin did was as shocking, nothing Hogan did was ever this shocking. Ladies and gents, this may be the most surprising moment in the history of the WWE...
What’s the point of all of this? It was a very VERY long way of saying “We don’t know shit”. I don’t, you don’t, the smarts don’t, none of us. We are not as smart as we think we are. So sit back, pop a cold one (of whatever you drink) and enjoy the fucking show. If you cant do that, don’t ruin it for the rest of us and incessantly WHINE about it. Criticism is fine, that leads to debate and I love to debate, but if you’re sole purpose is whining about how the WWE doesn’t do anything right, just shut the fuck up. Christ I’m chipper arent I?
Anyway, everyone go out and enjoy their 4th (if you live stateside) and be safe. Make some noise and celebrate the birth of our great nation by blowing up a small part of it. And if you don’t get that reference….
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/60440/detail/
Finally, I want all of you, my loyal Kaedonites, to give my BOYEEEEEEEEE c4_FatTony some birthday rep. He’s becoming old like me, and he’s gonna need it!
See ya next time!
Now onto a more cheery topic, BEING WRONG. And no, I’m not just going to tell you so and so on the board is wrong, or Dave Meltzer is a putz (even though he is), no, I am speaking, of course, as a whole about the IWC. If the first 6 months of 2008 in the WWE have taught me anything, its that us wrestling fans, myself included, don’t know shit. Dateline: Madison Cube (wait, this isnt Futurama) Square Garden. The event; the Royal Rumble. This RR had some of the biggest stars today in it with Batista, HHH, HBK, and Undertaker being the 4 locks to win. CM Punk was a dark horse and I believe Mr. Kennedy was too. And what happened?
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FF to the night after on Monday Night Raw. John Cena comes out, does his shtick with one twist, he’s taking his title shot early. Fuck Mania, he wants Orton NOW! Fucked ya again. Later that month at No Way Out we have the battle of two former OVW golden boys going at it for the richest prize in the game. One is going to Mania and presumably face HHH. Some thought it was gonna be the Legend Killer, some thought Cena and H would have an epic WM rematch. Then during the middle of the match their was almost a count out and a double count out situation giving credence to the “triple threat” theory. They get back into the ring to fight and what happens? Orton turns and bitchslaps the ref. FUCKED YA! And lets not forget, that very SAME NIGHT, one of the biggest stars in the history of boxing, jumps the rail and gets into a confrontation with a 7ft 4in 400lb giant. Who saw that coming?
Then comes the big gig, the granddaddy of them all, WRESTLEMANA 24! The stage is set, Edge vs. Taker, Cena vs. Orton vs. H in a triple threat and a 7 man MITB match. Now granted, Edge/Taker wasn’t as unpredictable as you would think, because, well Taker is UNDEFEATED but the “smarts” pointed out, as did I, that Edge is pretty much the PERFECT candidate to end Takers streak. Didn’t happen. Didn’t even come CLOSE to happening. Also their was a little annual event called Money In The Bank. Now people were talking like Jeff had it and it was a foregone conclusion, but when he got tossed out, it was all up for grabs. There was not one person in that match, who didn’t have a pretty equal chance of winning it. But the REAL shock of WM 24 was, as everyone knows, the triple threat. What was the talk all around, not just between the “marks” but betwixt the “smarts”? “Is it gonna be Cena, or is it gonna be H?” Orton was not even part of the equation. It was like he wasn’t even in the match. HELLO! HES THE CHAMPION! And not only was he out of the equation HE WAS SLATED TO TAKE THE FALL. I cant remember how many times someone said “there is no way Cena or H take the fall”. HAHA! FUCKED ALL OF YOU AGAIN!
Now granted for the 2 months, the WWE was standard fare. We got a 4 way at Backlash, AGAIN, and the champ retained, AGAIN. But as far as unpredictability goes, they WWE had earned a mulligan or two. And for those wondering no, I don’t golf, but I like the term. So from Backlash through Judgment Day, pretty standard fare, with the exception of the controversy over the Undertaker being stripped of his title, which made everyone go WHAT THE FUCK!? Oh yeah, their was something else, how could I forget my personal favorite WWE event that is barely ever used anymore, the WWE King Of The Ring. I have said it before and I will say it again, I love tournaments. And of Chris Jericho, CM Punk, Fit Finlay, The Great Khali, Hornswaggle, MVP, Matt Hardy, and William Regal; who is the LEAST LIKELY TO WIN!? Ok Hornswaggle, but other than him? The guy who won, William Regal!! And let it be known that I was a big fan of this, not because it was unpredictable, but because I love Regal. And what happened right after it happened? Some people shit ALL OVER IT. “It makes no sense”, “it was too random”, “Punk could have used it more”. Tell me now, since we know what happened after he lost this match, would it have mattered if he would have won? Shit no.
So now the stage is set for One Night Stand. The EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME Pay Per View. Edge is taking on The Undertaker in a TLC match, and if Taker loses, he is gone from the WWE. I don’t know anyone, ANYONE who thought Edge was a lock to win this. “Oh they are stacking it in his favor so it looks like he’s gonna win” and then, HE DOES!! I was in shock, utter shock when I heard that. The last thing I expected to see on WWE.com was “Edge Retires Undertaker” O_O So I’m thinking, where in the hell are they going to go from here? Is Punk going to cash in his MITB and become the new SD champion? Is Kennedy going to get drafted to SD and start a “You Stole My Briefcase” feud? Or will we get another great “Lita On A Pole” feud with Matt Hardy? Add to all of this, the glassy eyed and apparently glassy BONED Randy Orton gets injured yet again which adds in even MORE of an air of wtfitude.
Up next, the always popular WWE Draft. Umaga is supposed to be drafted to SD, which does happen, but after that it was pretty much all up in the air. Lets face it, last year the draft was relatively blasé. Khali, Snitsky, Masters, Torrie Wilson, and The Boogeyman? I mean COME ON. I was glad to see Masters get a fresh start as much as the next guy, but nothing earth shattering. That is until Bobby Lashley the ECW Champ was moved to Raw and then stripped of his title. (Why didn’t that happen this year) Chris Benoit was moved to ECW in what was the smartest move (or at least it would have been), Flair moved over to SD to work with the youngins, King Booker is fed to the Raw machine, and Kennedy steps up to the big time and gets his chance to go live. Don’t get me wrong, it was a nice draft, but it wasn’t the ground rumbling, earth shaking, trend setting draft it once was. So the WWE has left a lot to be desired for this years draft. That being said, one, ONE good pick would have made this draft better than last years. And what did the WWE do? They give us uppercut after uppercut. Throwing BOMBS of unpredictability our way. We start out with Rey Mysterio. While this wasn’t a O_O shock, it was still a bit unexpected for the simple reason that Undertaker and Rey Mysterio have always been the cornerstones of Smackdown. The second pick was a move to Smackdown, Jeff Hardy. Certainly a bit more of a shock. He is, without a doubt, one of the most popular stars on Raw, so its either a punishment for him or they are going to take SD seriously and not just have it be the B show. The third pick of the night, Mr. Money In The Bank, CM Punk. He was heavily touted to go to Smackdown. Guess what people, he was already on Smackdown. So if he was gonna be moved, it had to be to Raw. Like Jeff and Rey, not O_O but definitely more surprising than both. The next pick, the first real shocker of the night, Matt Hardy to Raw. Sonofabitch, no Cain/Abel feud for me L at least for now. So that means the US Title goes with him, which is just as interesting. The next one, is a tie for the most unexpected of the draft, good ol JR. Are you kidding me? Jim is THE VOICE OF RAW!? Anyone who says they saw this coming is an effing liar. And apparently it was a shock to him as well as he wasn’t informed.
But you know what, and this was something I wanted to touch on too. I’ve seen a few people on the board saying its “disrespectful” to not tell the workers that they are getting drafted to another show. I think this is bullspit for 2 reasons. One, they could very easily let it slip. Someone suggested handing out fines, but that doesn’t mean shit when the cats already out of the bag. Also, reason 1.5, kind of along these lines, as soon as the worker gets told someone else is going to find out as well. Say Rey Mysterio is told he’s being drafted to Raw. He calls and tells his wife, understandably, because this means a change for them. And then she tells a close friend who tells someone else and it gets out the week before the show airs. Then where the fuck are you? Or say someone overhears Rey being told or someone sees Rey being pulled into a meeting with Vince. What’s one of the assumptions? And then its out. It’s called keeping their business THEIR BUSINESS. One of the most talked about stars in history, Brian Pillman, did this. He kept his business to himself and what did it do, it made him THE GUY for a while. Why? No one knew what the fuck was going on. So this isn’t a bad thing or disrespectful to the guys being moved. They are all told that they could be moved. If this is a problem for them and they don’t like change, well “Get the F Out”.
Anyway, onto the next pick, Smackdown’s Animal comes to Raw. We even get a look at Batista and Cena kinda staring down. Definitely a O_O moment. Umaga gets drafted. Yay. Then Kane gets drafted back to Raw. Wow. ECW loses CM Punk and its champion. I don’t think anyone saw this coming either O_O. And then finally we have the big battle royal. Last year SD won it, and this year its no different as the Rated ARGH (my neck) Superstar Edge fucks over John Cena (booo heel tactics) to win Mr. Kennedy and the biggest surprise in draft history, TRIPLE H for Smackdown! The biggest WHAT THE FUCK of the night or at least tied with JRs moving. And I go back to what I said before about guys being told, Trips looked surprised. I don’t know if it was legit or not, but it looked like the Hardyz, Rey Rey and JR to me. All of the reports on the internetz say “well one can assumed he was told beforehand” but I wouldn’t be so sure. Imagine of this one was spoiled? That would have sucked ass. And I understand the point of spoilers is to give information, fine. But I think the reason people read spoilers other than not being able to catch the show, is because they don’t want to be “gotten”. Some people just don’t want to me “one of those dumb marks”. This is the exact reason the “finger poke of doom” makes them so mad. BECAUSE THEY GOT FUCKED! Not out of the epic battle that would have been Kevin Nash vs. Hulk Hogan, but they were had, they were bamboozled, they were fooled, and they cant have that.
no: And this, as I said before doesn’t just apply to everyone else but Kaedon, fuck man I don’t know shit either. Monty remembers when I told him this, when Kofi was drafted to Raw in the supplemental draft, I thought that was it for him. I thought hed get some token matches and get some wins, maybe even get a lower card feud, but would flounder until being moved to SD or ECW again. HOW WRONG WAS I!? God damn. And I proudly admit it, lol. I was 100% wrong. He may later go on to flounder like Carlito did, but I don’t think he will. Then again, what do I know…J
And then finally, the granddaddy of them all, the lowly CM Punk, the one Stephanie McMahon hates, the one who is barred from doing his "true" finisher because TRIPLE H's POWARZ is holding him down, HE IS YOUR WORLD CHAMPION!! Punks gonna cash it in and lose. Punks gonna lose, HAHAHA! EHHHHHHHHH WRONG! This may be the biggest surprise, wrestling wise, since...well I cant remember something shocking me that much. Nothing Austin did was as shocking, nothing Hogan did was ever this shocking. Ladies and gents, this may be the most surprising moment in the history of the WWE...
What’s the point of all of this? It was a very VERY long way of saying “We don’t know shit”. I don’t, you don’t, the smarts don’t, none of us. We are not as smart as we think we are. So sit back, pop a cold one (of whatever you drink) and enjoy the fucking show. If you cant do that, don’t ruin it for the rest of us and incessantly WHINE about it. Criticism is fine, that leads to debate and I love to debate, but if you’re sole purpose is whining about how the WWE doesn’t do anything right, just shut the fuck up. Christ I’m chipper arent I?
Anyway, everyone go out and enjoy their 4th (if you live stateside) and be safe. Make some noise and celebrate the birth of our great nation by blowing up a small part of it. And if you don’t get that reference….
http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/60440/detail/
Finally, I want all of you, my loyal Kaedonites, to give my BOYEEEEEEEEE c4_FatTony some birthday rep. He’s becoming old like me, and he’s gonna need it!
See ya next time!