Welcome to the 54th Edition of the No Smark Zone. Coming up in this article I will talk about my (Least) favorite WWE Superstar, Jack Swagger. I will also go through my thoughts on the buildup to Wrestlemania 25 and what will happen this year at the WWE’s Superbowl. Actually, this year its kinda like The Bills vs. The Lions, no one gives a shit. But first, I want to talk about the sad event that happened this week.
When I heard about the passing of Andrew "Test" Martin, at first I was pretty apathetic to it, and in a way I still am. Now I'd like to think I'm pretty sympathetic to deaths, especially when it happens in something I follow, but I think I have figured out what is going on.
The first time I dealt with death in wrestling, like so many others, was when Brian Pillman died. But since I didnt know too much about him and hadn’t seen him much, it was a bit over my head so to speak. Then, Owen dies. Now that was completely different. I grew up watching him and I was actually
really, REALLY sad when that happened. I didnt cry (because me big man) but I almost did seeing the outpouring of emotion for such a beloved person.
After that, of course, we had the shocking death of Eddie Guerrero. I had friends who were crying about it, and I didnt begrudge them in the least. I did, in fact, yell at some dumb bitch who said "I cant believe I’M sitting in a room full of grown men crying about WRESTLING." Like seriously, shut the fuck up. Tragically, and most recently, we had the whole Chris Benoit debacle. I dont know if I ever told anyone this, but that shit really tore me up inside, especially when the details came out about what happened. I actually looked up to Chris Benoit the person. As a person who defied the odds, worked his ass off and lived his dream, thats what I want to do, and I took that shit seriously. I remember getting my "Struggle is optional, pain is inevitable" Benoit shit and wearing it with pride, like "yeah thats how its" and when he turned out to be this colossal piece of shit, perhaps not by his own doing, but a pos none the less, I just became so disenchanted. Not with the business as a whole, like so many others understandably did, but of my own admiration for what these guys do. I still respect it, but I dont see me modeling myself after any of these guys anymore after what I learned about who I thought was the straightest arrow in the bunch.
And now, Test is dead. I think it boils down to this, I am sick of death in the business. I know I cant stop it, and I know there isnt much I can do to affect it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or respond to it. I'm really sick of hearing about these guys dying. It's like its become the norm now and sadly, I think a lot of people are turning out like me. "Yeah a wrestler died, what’s on page 2?" How do you all feel about it?
Wrestlemania is turning out to be very blasé' this year. I cant believe for the 25th Anniversary of the biggest PPV in the history of the industry, if not PPV itself, the main events are Randy Orton vs. HHH and John Cena vs. Edge vs. The Big Show. REALLY!? Now, I have no doubt that these matches will deliver. Edge and Cena is never a bad match, the problem is, its not always that great either. And adding the dynamic of The Big Show, I really think is more of a throwaway than anything else. I just dont see how he adds a whole lot to the match. I also dont have a problem with the stories leading up to them. HHH vs. Randy Orton is a great old school feud where the heel does whatever the hell he has to do to fuck with the baby face to get his mind off the thing that matters, the title. The same with the 3 way. The Big Show wants the title and will do what he's got to get it, Edge wants to keep his title and will do the same, and John Cena, he wants his title back and fucked the heels after they fucked him.
Then we have the Money In The Bank match, Kofi, Shelton, Punk, MVP, and Christian, I get those, and hell, I even get Kane, but tossing Finlay and Mark Henry in there? WHY!? There are tons of other stars who could have benefited from being in the match. I get why the Colons and MnM cant get in, they have their own program, but what about Evan Bourne? What about R-Truth? Rey Mysterio? Come on man!! I still have faith that the match will be good. There is too much talent for it NOT to be good, however, it could have been SO MUCH better. Christian, btw, is a mortal lock to win. A close second is MVP but if Chrisitan doesn’t win this, his return will be an even BIGGER waste of fuckin time.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy has been handled so horribly it makes me want to vomit in a murderous rage. Seriously. This could have been done WAY BETTER and the WWE just pissed it away. And it went all downhill after they let Jeff start talking. It wasnt great WITH Matt being the promo man, but Jeff just tanked it. "You're SADISTIC." Is that really what youd say to a man who almost ran you down, blew you up, and then made light of the fact that your faithful dog is dead? Its complete bullshit. The one upside up is that the match is guaranteed to be good and the feud WILL continue after Mania
Next we have the 25 DIVA Battle Royal. I actually dont have a problem with this. I dont think it will be that great but I think it will be, at least, fun to watch. I wonder how they are going to eliminate Mae Young without breaking every bone in her dusty old body. I think the outcome, however, is really predictable as its pretty obvious the returning Gail Kim is going to be the winner as its the most advantageous place to have her get a big win. And then, after she wins, she can either blow up as a heel and challenge Melina "Ms. WM vs. the Womans Champion" or she can be a face and have a Beth Pheonix challenge her for her crown.
This just in, there WILL be a Tag Team Title unification match at Wrestlemania 25 between Miz/Morrison and the Colons. I am personally very excited, not for the match as we've seen it a billion times, always great or better btw, but for what could happen after it. I know, chances are the WWE will just piss it all away, but a man can dream cant he? Like I said, we've seen the match a billion times already, so I am very interested in seeing how the WWE plan on jazzing it up for the big event aside from having the twins split in opposite corners. It cant be a ladder match, and it WONT be a cage match because Im pretty sure Hogan would shit a brick if he wasn’t half of the ONLY cage match in Wrestlemania history. I really dont see them tacking a stipulation on this ate in the game because it would be just that, tacked on. Street Fight? I might be able to see it, but anything more than No DQ like a table match or a TLC match would be just dumb. If they REALLY want to blow this off in the best way and they want to add a stipulation, go old school and make it a 2/3 falls match. I hate to keep reminding you of this, but one of my favorite tag matches of all time is The Hart Foundation vs. Demolition from Summerslam 1990 and it was most assuredly a classic as this one can be as well.
I can not believe what the WWE are doing with Jericho. I seriously hope this is a play by the WWE to trick us and keep us on our toes because if not, it may go down as the most disappointing moment in Wrestlemania history. This was absolutely the best angle going into Wrestlemania. And this whole thing just SCREAMS of "wingin it". They didnt have a plan at least for an end game, and now its coming around to bite them in their ass, unless they are keeping it to themselves, in which case bravo. But this handicapped "tag match" is garbage. Steamboat cant even wrestle anymore because of an injury last I heard, Snuka is decrepit, and Piper, well he can go as well as Lawler, which is still good, but this is wrestleFUCKINGmania, not Raw or SD. What I bet you will see, if this isnt a huge GOTCHA, is Jericho get the best of the old men, and then Austin comes out and stuns Jericho, boom over. All that for THAT!!! Feh.
I am interested to see what JBLs surprise is. I think with the title unification earlier in the night, JBL may retire the IC Title to set up a long string of belts being phased out or unified. Once again, I know that last part is a dream, but a JBL retirement ceremony at Wrestlemania 25 in Texas would be all too appropriate and, as always when JBL touches the mic, it will be entertaining as hell.
Finally there is the match EVERYONE wants to see. The thing is, its a match so many people have seen already. Its not going to be bad, in fact I think it will steal the show, but this is not the freshest of matchups. And I really dont think HBK will be the one to end the streak. On the other hand if he does, it would probably be the most shocking moment in Wrestlemania history. Everyone is looking for a young star to take out Taker as it would make the most sense in that the kid can use the rub. But other than that, there is no reason whatsoever that a veteran cant end the streak, especially if the match is a show stealer, which this one is likely to be. I said this a few times over the steak, with Batista and with Edge most notably, this is probably the best time to date, to drop the streak. This angle is hot, the match will be good, both stars are mega over; it all fits.
I wanted to talk a little about what supposedly happened between Glenn Jacobs aka “Kane†and former UFC Champion Tim Sylvia. It's really only one thing....
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok so onto something I can expound more on. Jack Swagger. I hate Jack Swagger, with an all consuming passion. I hate his look, I hate his moveset, I hate his promo, I think he sucks from pretty much every aspect. But on the upside, he does seem to work hard and have potential to do something once he learns the craft.
Ok now that I got the good out of the way, onto the bad. There is one word to describe Jack Swagger, and that is GENERIC. His face, generic. His tights, generic. Granted, not as generic as the fucking black trunks that at least half of the fed wears, but its generic none the less. A multi colored singlet. CM Punk has his stars in the Bret Hart fashion, HHH has some kick ass designer come up with his shit, Orton has his name, a bit more generic to be sure, and Rhodes/Dibiasie have like their names in plain lettering or some shit. Or "Simply Priceless" bleh. His hair, I will give him is relatively unique to the fed. But thats not enough. When a guy walks out in whatever clothes or gear he has on, you should be able to know who their character is and what they would probably do/say before the open their mouth. Generally, you see guys with no personality just try and have cool looking tights so they can stand out that way and then let the ring work do the rest of the talking. See Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, etc. But Swagger doesnt have that. When he comes out, I have no idea what or who he is. When Ric Flair came out in his suits and ties, or even his robe, you can tell what he is portraying. When this schmuck comes out, I havent the faintest clue what he is telling the crowd.
Then we let him talk and hes a cocky young guy. I have four words for you; Yeah, and, so, what? Lets go down the list of cocky young heels in recent memory, Rhodes, Dibiasie, Orton, Cena, MVP, Ken Kennedy, The Brian Kendrick, Gregory Helms, Edge, Shelton Benjamin, Orlando Jordan, The Reflection Of Perfection, Chris Jericho, Calito, Edge, Rene Dupree, The Rock, Chris Masters; need I fucking go on? All of their characters used to/do revolve around "Im young, and im better than you." The difference is, MOST OF those guys have/had something else to stand out. The way they look, memorable catchphrases, moves, a great promo, a taunt, whatever.
But Swagger has exactly ZERO of those. He seems to be snug in the ring, which is always good, but his finisher, while better than that god forsaken "Overdrive" that MVP does *gags* is a gutwrench bomb. Its a very basic and non impactful move unless its done on someone who is WAY SMALLER than you. I could see him finishing off Rey Mysterio or Gregory Helms with it, but not Matt Hardy or Christian Cage. You know when I first saw it? I saw Malenko use it on someone in WCW on Nitro, and it wasnt anywhere NEAR a finisher. Why? Because he knows its like ending a match with a gutwrench suplex and that would be fuckin dumb.
So to recap, no charisma, no memorable signatures, no cathcphrases, generic look, and, oh yeah, his character has been done to death and he adds NOTHING to it. In short, Jack Swagger = Shit.
And on that positive note, that ends this edition of the No Smark Zone. I think I will probably reserve the next one for a review of Wrestlemania. Hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised by the quality of the show, but on paper, well you know. See ya next time when we will have a unified tag team championship!!
When I heard about the passing of Andrew "Test" Martin, at first I was pretty apathetic to it, and in a way I still am. Now I'd like to think I'm pretty sympathetic to deaths, especially when it happens in something I follow, but I think I have figured out what is going on.
The first time I dealt with death in wrestling, like so many others, was when Brian Pillman died. But since I didnt know too much about him and hadn’t seen him much, it was a bit over my head so to speak. Then, Owen dies. Now that was completely different. I grew up watching him and I was actually
really, REALLY sad when that happened. I didnt cry (because me big man) but I almost did seeing the outpouring of emotion for such a beloved person.
After that, of course, we had the shocking death of Eddie Guerrero. I had friends who were crying about it, and I didnt begrudge them in the least. I did, in fact, yell at some dumb bitch who said "I cant believe I’M sitting in a room full of grown men crying about WRESTLING." Like seriously, shut the fuck up. Tragically, and most recently, we had the whole Chris Benoit debacle. I dont know if I ever told anyone this, but that shit really tore me up inside, especially when the details came out about what happened. I actually looked up to Chris Benoit the person. As a person who defied the odds, worked his ass off and lived his dream, thats what I want to do, and I took that shit seriously. I remember getting my "Struggle is optional, pain is inevitable" Benoit shit and wearing it with pride, like "yeah thats how its" and when he turned out to be this colossal piece of shit, perhaps not by his own doing, but a pos none the less, I just became so disenchanted. Not with the business as a whole, like so many others understandably did, but of my own admiration for what these guys do. I still respect it, but I dont see me modeling myself after any of these guys anymore after what I learned about who I thought was the straightest arrow in the bunch.
And now, Test is dead. I think it boils down to this, I am sick of death in the business. I know I cant stop it, and I know there isnt much I can do to affect it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it or respond to it. I'm really sick of hearing about these guys dying. It's like its become the norm now and sadly, I think a lot of people are turning out like me. "Yeah a wrestler died, what’s on page 2?" How do you all feel about it?
Wrestlemania is turning out to be very blasé' this year. I cant believe for the 25th Anniversary of the biggest PPV in the history of the industry, if not PPV itself, the main events are Randy Orton vs. HHH and John Cena vs. Edge vs. The Big Show. REALLY!? Now, I have no doubt that these matches will deliver. Edge and Cena is never a bad match, the problem is, its not always that great either. And adding the dynamic of The Big Show, I really think is more of a throwaway than anything else. I just dont see how he adds a whole lot to the match. I also dont have a problem with the stories leading up to them. HHH vs. Randy Orton is a great old school feud where the heel does whatever the hell he has to do to fuck with the baby face to get his mind off the thing that matters, the title. The same with the 3 way. The Big Show wants the title and will do what he's got to get it, Edge wants to keep his title and will do the same, and John Cena, he wants his title back and fucked the heels after they fucked him.
Then we have the Money In The Bank match, Kofi, Shelton, Punk, MVP, and Christian, I get those, and hell, I even get Kane, but tossing Finlay and Mark Henry in there? WHY!? There are tons of other stars who could have benefited from being in the match. I get why the Colons and MnM cant get in, they have their own program, but what about Evan Bourne? What about R-Truth? Rey Mysterio? Come on man!! I still have faith that the match will be good. There is too much talent for it NOT to be good, however, it could have been SO MUCH better. Christian, btw, is a mortal lock to win. A close second is MVP but if Chrisitan doesn’t win this, his return will be an even BIGGER waste of fuckin time.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy has been handled so horribly it makes me want to vomit in a murderous rage. Seriously. This could have been done WAY BETTER and the WWE just pissed it away. And it went all downhill after they let Jeff start talking. It wasnt great WITH Matt being the promo man, but Jeff just tanked it. "You're SADISTIC." Is that really what youd say to a man who almost ran you down, blew you up, and then made light of the fact that your faithful dog is dead? Its complete bullshit. The one upside up is that the match is guaranteed to be good and the feud WILL continue after Mania
Next we have the 25 DIVA Battle Royal. I actually dont have a problem with this. I dont think it will be that great but I think it will be, at least, fun to watch. I wonder how they are going to eliminate Mae Young without breaking every bone in her dusty old body. I think the outcome, however, is really predictable as its pretty obvious the returning Gail Kim is going to be the winner as its the most advantageous place to have her get a big win. And then, after she wins, she can either blow up as a heel and challenge Melina "Ms. WM vs. the Womans Champion" or she can be a face and have a Beth Pheonix challenge her for her crown.
This just in, there WILL be a Tag Team Title unification match at Wrestlemania 25 between Miz/Morrison and the Colons. I am personally very excited, not for the match as we've seen it a billion times, always great or better btw, but for what could happen after it. I know, chances are the WWE will just piss it all away, but a man can dream cant he? Like I said, we've seen the match a billion times already, so I am very interested in seeing how the WWE plan on jazzing it up for the big event aside from having the twins split in opposite corners. It cant be a ladder match, and it WONT be a cage match because Im pretty sure Hogan would shit a brick if he wasn’t half of the ONLY cage match in Wrestlemania history. I really dont see them tacking a stipulation on this ate in the game because it would be just that, tacked on. Street Fight? I might be able to see it, but anything more than No DQ like a table match or a TLC match would be just dumb. If they REALLY want to blow this off in the best way and they want to add a stipulation, go old school and make it a 2/3 falls match. I hate to keep reminding you of this, but one of my favorite tag matches of all time is The Hart Foundation vs. Demolition from Summerslam 1990 and it was most assuredly a classic as this one can be as well.
I can not believe what the WWE are doing with Jericho. I seriously hope this is a play by the WWE to trick us and keep us on our toes because if not, it may go down as the most disappointing moment in Wrestlemania history. This was absolutely the best angle going into Wrestlemania. And this whole thing just SCREAMS of "wingin it". They didnt have a plan at least for an end game, and now its coming around to bite them in their ass, unless they are keeping it to themselves, in which case bravo. But this handicapped "tag match" is garbage. Steamboat cant even wrestle anymore because of an injury last I heard, Snuka is decrepit, and Piper, well he can go as well as Lawler, which is still good, but this is wrestleFUCKINGmania, not Raw or SD. What I bet you will see, if this isnt a huge GOTCHA, is Jericho get the best of the old men, and then Austin comes out and stuns Jericho, boom over. All that for THAT!!! Feh.
I am interested to see what JBLs surprise is. I think with the title unification earlier in the night, JBL may retire the IC Title to set up a long string of belts being phased out or unified. Once again, I know that last part is a dream, but a JBL retirement ceremony at Wrestlemania 25 in Texas would be all too appropriate and, as always when JBL touches the mic, it will be entertaining as hell.
Finally there is the match EVERYONE wants to see. The thing is, its a match so many people have seen already. Its not going to be bad, in fact I think it will steal the show, but this is not the freshest of matchups. And I really dont think HBK will be the one to end the streak. On the other hand if he does, it would probably be the most shocking moment in Wrestlemania history. Everyone is looking for a young star to take out Taker as it would make the most sense in that the kid can use the rub. But other than that, there is no reason whatsoever that a veteran cant end the streak, especially if the match is a show stealer, which this one is likely to be. I said this a few times over the steak, with Batista and with Edge most notably, this is probably the best time to date, to drop the streak. This angle is hot, the match will be good, both stars are mega over; it all fits.
I wanted to talk a little about what supposedly happened between Glenn Jacobs aka “Kane†and former UFC Champion Tim Sylvia. It's really only one thing....
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok so onto something I can expound more on. Jack Swagger. I hate Jack Swagger, with an all consuming passion. I hate his look, I hate his moveset, I hate his promo, I think he sucks from pretty much every aspect. But on the upside, he does seem to work hard and have potential to do something once he learns the craft.
Ok now that I got the good out of the way, onto the bad. There is one word to describe Jack Swagger, and that is GENERIC. His face, generic. His tights, generic. Granted, not as generic as the fucking black trunks that at least half of the fed wears, but its generic none the less. A multi colored singlet. CM Punk has his stars in the Bret Hart fashion, HHH has some kick ass designer come up with his shit, Orton has his name, a bit more generic to be sure, and Rhodes/Dibiasie have like their names in plain lettering or some shit. Or "Simply Priceless" bleh. His hair, I will give him is relatively unique to the fed. But thats not enough. When a guy walks out in whatever clothes or gear he has on, you should be able to know who their character is and what they would probably do/say before the open their mouth. Generally, you see guys with no personality just try and have cool looking tights so they can stand out that way and then let the ring work do the rest of the talking. See Bret Hart, Chris Benoit, etc. But Swagger doesnt have that. When he comes out, I have no idea what or who he is. When Ric Flair came out in his suits and ties, or even his robe, you can tell what he is portraying. When this schmuck comes out, I havent the faintest clue what he is telling the crowd.
Then we let him talk and hes a cocky young guy. I have four words for you; Yeah, and, so, what? Lets go down the list of cocky young heels in recent memory, Rhodes, Dibiasie, Orton, Cena, MVP, Ken Kennedy, The Brian Kendrick, Gregory Helms, Edge, Shelton Benjamin, Orlando Jordan, The Reflection Of Perfection, Chris Jericho, Calito, Edge, Rene Dupree, The Rock, Chris Masters; need I fucking go on? All of their characters used to/do revolve around "Im young, and im better than you." The difference is, MOST OF those guys have/had something else to stand out. The way they look, memorable catchphrases, moves, a great promo, a taunt, whatever.
But Swagger has exactly ZERO of those. He seems to be snug in the ring, which is always good, but his finisher, while better than that god forsaken "Overdrive" that MVP does *gags* is a gutwrench bomb. Its a very basic and non impactful move unless its done on someone who is WAY SMALLER than you. I could see him finishing off Rey Mysterio or Gregory Helms with it, but not Matt Hardy or Christian Cage. You know when I first saw it? I saw Malenko use it on someone in WCW on Nitro, and it wasnt anywhere NEAR a finisher. Why? Because he knows its like ending a match with a gutwrench suplex and that would be fuckin dumb.
So to recap, no charisma, no memorable signatures, no cathcphrases, generic look, and, oh yeah, his character has been done to death and he adds NOTHING to it. In short, Jack Swagger = Shit.
And on that positive note, that ends this edition of the No Smark Zone. I think I will probably reserve the next one for a review of Wrestlemania. Hopefully I will be pleasantly surprised by the quality of the show, but on paper, well you know. See ya next time when we will have a unified tag team championship!!
